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Hi everyone
Got my phone call session with Cafcass tomorrow, I've spent the last few weeks going through all the texts, diary sessions, emails etc trying to round it all up so that its in a state for court. Court is next week.
I'm feeling emotionally drained, exhausted etc and throughly disheartened.
I put in an application for residency after SD's contact one (he plays mind games with her, telling her she's going to live with him full time). Can a residency application be denied? (child has seen dad for a total of 19 hours in 36 months and has been emotionally abusive in his attitude to daughter despite me warning him more than once to quit being a git - verbally, written and sol letter)
One minute my solicitor is really positive and all yep yep yep, we can do this ... the next its doom and gloom and wanting to appear professionally courteous and tell the other side exactly what is in my application (we've not received the application back from court yet). The professional courtesy is all on my side - I've responded to everything previously in a timely manner and as well as i can, and since they never had the courtesy to get back to me with regard to my holiday request, I don't see why I should always be showing my hand.
I just want to sob...
Sounds to me as if you are doing really well, Flapjack. Let us know how it goes with CAFCASS
hi flapjack im in middle court, had 3 hearings so far, and 3 cafcass reports,wish it was all over with, cafcass seem b on my side thank god, let me no how it went with cafcassx
and now ad cafcass wantin to cum and spk to me and see my dawter, even tho lady as bin once already months ago, im worried,
Hi flapjack how did the telephone conversation go with CAFCASS today?
kiera, you have nothing to worry about you and your daughter are doing fine and you were happy with what they have said so far.
hi just why wud cafcass cum out and see me anmd also want to see my dawter, cafcass lady came out once few months ago, this is different cafacss person, as other one moved offices why wud they want to see my dawter
I think it is a good sign, kiera, they are making their final report and as I said on the other thread, just stay calm and concentrate on the things that would make contact a bad idea for your daughter, rather than you.
oh right so thts why cafacss cumin out to do final report, they wil see my dawter happy well looked after child,but cafacss no why it wud b bad idea for ex to av contact thts why they refused contact for a yearx
there are alot safegaurding issues around my ex,and ex criminal activity,and violence, my soliciter stil asnt heard from police regardin m,y assault abroad, god wish i ad pictures ofmy face 3 year ago wot a m,ess my face was cos of ex
Well CAFCASS just want to update themselves, they can't say to the judge oh we saw kiera 6 months ago, they need it to be recent, it's just to see that everything is still ok, which it is. It's good that there is not long to go now and hopefully it will be done and dusted
thanks louise for ur replies i appreciate it, ok i feel better now, i worry i no, i cant elp it, u no what ive bin thru, want it over with, i went on my own last time to court, was hard but i did itx
spoke to my soliicter regardin positive results from ex for canabis,she said there are stil alot issues regardin ex, as police found canabis at his house last november, and plus effect it wil av on me if he gets contact,and it is just update visit from cafcass,av to av report in by 21st, and court is 25th,and she gona put for ward to judge for case to b dismissed,
Fingers crossed then!!!
Sorry everyone, I think I forgot to get the replies emailed to me... durrr. Clearly was having a bad day when i wrote the initial message.
Cafcass were 3 hours late ringing me... that was excruitiatingly painful... but they finally did. They were FAB. The lady listened to me, understood all my concerns and commented as best as she obviously could. She was having trouble getting hold of LO's dad... typical as they call from a private number and he never picks up his phone... grrrrr. And I think he'd gone on holiday (although I also had holiday and had actually spoken to cafcass about this so they could arrange the chat around my hols). But the father clearly doesn't think this through.
I got the letter back and was amazed that it was a true reflection of our conversation (I'd heard so many horror stories) and the directions to the judge were clear and direct. My barrister (I had court yesterday) said that he'd never seen such a brilliant direction to the court, so obviously I did a good job being prepared.
Yesterday was court. SD was SO mad at me... the look he gave me while I was waiting was just pure filth, but I just smiled and made sure that I kept positive (my daddy came with me for moral support bless him).
I had a fab barrister who took complete control of the system. I've been granted residency (even though I was told "it wasn't in dispute") and SD did try to reject it yesterday. Apparently its been granted to make me "feel secure" - urgh, so that's why SD told LO she was coming to live with you, house full of toys etc) and we've "agreed" supervised contact for three months. This was exactly what I offered him in January when he upset our child which he declined at the time. I've also offered to reinstate the weekly phone contact, LO is older now, and it could be a while before contact is arranged.
I was amazed at the way that he just gave me exactly what I requested six months ago. So why the rubbish in between? Why the costs? He never suggested any alternative except someone (mutual friend) to do the supervised visits - we have no mutual friends. I have my friends (who he dislikes) and he has no friends or family. I refused to pay towards the costs - he does pay CSA, but I have LO enrolled in clubs which I pay for, I'm completely rennovating a house etc, I work full time, I literally have no spare cash at the moment
Oh, the "illegal activities" that I'd been accused of turns out to be I "slapped him" years ago - just after I had LO. Urm, nope, didn't happen was another lie... we'd had an argument about him having an affair and I had pulled him back into the room he was leaving and said i want to talk to you (I was 2 weeks after having an emergency C-section, so its not like i could particularly move). I never slapped him. Grrr. I think he made this up because he was in a DV unit at work and hated the stress and grief of it - before he left he told me how much he hated it and after accusing me of being violent he got transferred out the unit.
He also denied that I'd told him I'd changed (with his permission) LO's surname even though I've written emails to him (which he'd responded to), letters to his solicitor etc.
SD also has to provide reports on his medical health - both work ones (he's MET police) and his GP ones due to the suicide threats.
All in all, I had a pretty good week. I can't believe that everything I suggested was accepted, he's threatened me with court for 3 years now - every time I didn't bend over backwards to what he wanted, and yesterday it proved to me that perhaps it should have been the answer a long time ago, rather than scaring me.
I feel, today, almost sorry for him. He looked so crumpled yesterday. I know he's brought this all on himself, and he hasn't thought of me in all the time with the different abuse he's been putting on me treating me so badly... but I guess that's what makes the two of us different. I do care, whereas with him, he doesn't.
It still baffles me that he still doesn't know where LO goes to school, what she likes, even if she is well - he's had no contact with either of us since January. Where was the "how is she?" caring comment from a caring dad. Crazy.
Anyway, sorry, I've rambled....
Hi Flapjack thank you so much for posting this and HOORAY it sounds as if things could not have gone better for you. It just shows that persistence pays off and also that being prepared, with a comprehensive list of what had happened and a clear expression of your concerns.
Hope you can relax now and have some winding-down time
Hi Louise.
We went to "celebrate" yesterday at pizza hut.. it's certainly a relief. I feel like I can laugh and breathe again.
I had to laugh when his barrister said "my client denies all allegations made against him" [regarding to depression and emotional abuse] and the judge looked at my huge file which backed up all my "allegations" and his 5 pieces of paper and said "I'm sure he does" and just continued to talk about what he was putting in place.
Ahhh,.... never mind, I'm sure that when i next speak to SD, I will be accused of being totally in control, not letting him have his say and intimidating him because i took my dad with me. Arrrgh
Important thing is, my daughter lives with me and can't be taken out of her home if the SD gets upset, and I can book holidays and not have to wait for his say so..... 
hi flapjack ive ad good news, cafcss cum myn yest to see me and my dawter, he recomedns no contact at all, ex as to do perpertrators programme and a drug rehab, and im avin my non molestation order extended, he failed drug test twice, so i can breath for w hile,i av court tue but cafacss guy said judge wil agree
That's brilliant. Congrats Kiera! Fingers crossed for Tuesday!
I can't understand how they fail these drugs tests.. perhaps the first time - i understand (from when i was in the unsupervised contact centre) that the first time can be a surprise that the judge has ordered it, but surely once you have that order to take one, you'd take yourself off the drug and then pass the second one?!
There was this lady at the contact centre whose ex had failed it 6 times, and she was still having to "try" with contact again and again. Eventually, after he had drug dealers knocking on his exes house a judge said "no that's enough". But it took too many times and visits to court to get to that stage.
I'm "lucky" that with my ex, its not about drugs or physical abuse, although sometimes the mental abuse is also bad in that its so difficult to get it identified. People are happy to say "yep, that's abuse" ... but I do still feel a bit of a fraud saying "he emotionally abused me". When my solicitor drew the application for residency up, it made me feel ill thinking about what she had written in it because a lot of it couldn't be proved. I was more reliant on the fact that where i had proof it was true and i was relying on the fact that he comes across as a liar on so many points that I came across as the more trustworth person!
thanks hun well he did hair strand test and delayed it for 5 half motnhs, then it cum bk he ad use3d hair dye, so now they av giv him another chance to do hair strand and cum bk positive for canabis, alot risks issues with my ex,so no contact, i no he wud thought he wud sail thru court and just get access, x
Great news Flapjack glad it all went well
Keira it sounds like things are looking promising for you too
Wonder Dad lasted on the phone calls for five weeks. The sixth call I said to LO "Daddy's going to ring you in a minute" (as he'd been regular as clockwork for a whole 5 weeks) and as if by magic no phone call. LO didn't even ask why he didn't call.
6 weeks on from court, he's still not organised supervised contact. He's moaning (via solicitor) that the costs are too steep (he agreed with this, he agreed to the costs on his own and I told him in JANUARY that this is what I thought would be agreeable (and again on my residency application) and yet he never looked into the costs of it). He's now trying to manipulate me on the phone calls "my solicitor suggests X, but I know that's hard to get to, how about Y?" (X being somewhere impossible for me to get to easily without a car and with a stubborn 5 year old who refuses to walk and not having a buggy and Y being "slightly" easier but not the easiest option for LO - which is what the judge directed at court).
Should i inform my solicitor that he didn't call by separate email or do i just let her know when we next communicate - i dont want to be seen as tittle tattling ..
Also, what would you do on the next call if he decides to call? Would you mention that he never called or just leave it?
I'm on tender hooks every phone day.. LO has shouted at him because he forgot LOs birthday (no card, no present, no phone call) and I'm sure he thinks i put LO up to it... (obviously I didn't). And now he wants me to tell him what to get LO for a birthday present - why should I?! I mean, I put loads of effort into LOs birthday, got all the presents, did a party, did a special treat etc... for him to just waltz in with a present.. really bugs.
I'm fed up that its costing me so much money - court instructed a letter from LOs Senco - i make sure its in on time, SD had to provide his occupational records and GPs records. He provides a letter ... that's it... arrrgh, so now I'm going to have to spend more of my hard earned non-existant money chasing his sorry @rse to get the right records before our next court session.
Sorry, just frustated by this whole process ... 6 weeks is the usual length of time he gets bored whether it be phone calls, visits, having a baby, going to the gym... then he gets annoyed cos we aren't there when he's "unbored"
Ok what I think would help here is changing down a couple of gears as it is so frustrating for you and he is blithely getting on with life, wreaking havoc in everyone else's world. Just be non commital about the present issue "ooh don't know really, I used all my ideas on the gifts I got him" and as for the contact, a simple "sorry that is not convenient" will do. In other words, take the heat out of the situation for yourself
Keep a log re the phone calls and let your soliciitor know the next time you are in touch, unless there is a long period without calls. It's bad that you should have to be on tenterhooks with the phone, there needs to be a way of taking control of that, such as organising caller display so you can see who is calling, or having an answerphone service so you can hear it is him.....or you could unplug the phone for a period every day so that there is some time you can relax.
Thanks Louise. Thing is, I end up feeling like i have to apologise for things to him all the time. Its so frustrating. I apologise then i think why am i being sorry?? I'm not really ... i just feel that if I'm apologetic then giving him a negative answer will take the heat out of it
Log kept regarding the phone calls. I'm sure he will have an excuse, there was a high profile stabbing on Monday (day of call) in the area that he works.. I'm sure his excuse was "I was working, saving the world or some other rubbish"... but, if i had to work late I would still stop and call, or would call later and apologise to the parent/try and rearrange a call. grrr
Its like he compartmentalises his life - Monday at 7 is the call, the rest of the time he doesn't need to be there. I'm sure if i did that id have social services down on me like a tonne of bricks.
Louise question, if i sent my solicitor an email, would you expect a response and in what time frame? I'm finding that if its the end of the month (i.e. the last week) she doesnt' work on my issue until she's issued me a bill and I've put money on account. I understand that I'm not her only client and that they have to earn an income etc but, its so frustrating. I could understand if I'm a late payer, but when the money is due i pay it immediately. I'm so fed up of having to chase her and not know if she's responded to the other side.
Perhaps i have pmt lol
Hi Flapjack, I can so hear your frustrations and I really like Louise's response. You say that you feel you have to apologise to unfuel the situation, I understand that too, but want you to know that there is an alternative. The phrases that Louise suggests (write these up and keep by the phone, if you are like me, you'll never remember them in the heat of the moment!) and I also wanted to share what helped for me in these situations, my mum told me to do this.
Speak your truth and say it with love. Ugh, I hated this, but if you remember it, you can't feel fear while you are feeling love, so therefore are much more in control of the situation. Well it helped me!
I am not sure about the question about your solicitor, could you ask her, or her secretary about timeframes. You might even want to ask our own Legal expert, what you should expect from a solicitor.
And even if you did have pmt, doesn't make your feelings any less valid! 
Hi Flapjack,
Your ex sounds a lot like mine. I was particularly struck by your description of feeling like you need to apologise to him.
I just wanted to share with you a book that really helped me get a handle on how to deal with his behaviour in a non crazy making fashion. It's called "Living with the passive agressive Man". Reading your posts I was struck by how many of the traits your ex does have so you might find it helpful to read. I know for me it was like reading about my ex - it was uncanny!!
I totally agree with the idea of taking the heat out of the situation. You sound a lot like me in that you have been very reasonable and fair with him. It's not in our nature to brush over things - we work hard to do things the best we can so to be non-commital can be hard, but I really like the suggestion of answering his questions casually. (The one about the gift for example)
I am also a big fan of the less is more school of thought! As suggested before, saying something short like "it's not convenient" is better than giving a long explanation. He will feel hard done by either way. The difference is with a long explanation you are handing him opportunities to try and manipulate you and to feel more and more sorry for himself/victimised by you. Bottom line is his difficulties are for him to sort out, yours are for you to worry about.
In fact, the biggest change that has happened to me is I have started to identify who's problem is this. If we take the present problem, it is HIS problem that he is wanting YOU to solve. This happens all the time with my ex but he is so good at manipulating things I don't always spot it (and often end up apologising for stuff that's not my responsibility!!)
I notice as well how mad it makes you when he "forgets" to do something/is too busy when actually you know he has lost interest. I found it helps to substitute his "couldn't" in your head to "didn't want to". e.g. I couldn't call when I said I would becomes I didn't want to call when I said I would, regardless of the excuse. You soon see these episodes are actually him directing hostility at you.
It's also interesting how you mention he has times for different things - an ability to compartmentalise. My boys' Dad does not contact us in between fortnightly visits. It used to upset me and I took loads of responsibility to try and keep in touch with him/talk about him a lot at home.
I do remember, however, that he genuinely has diffculty remembering people when he is not with them. I think it's a symptom of his personality problems. I remember in our first couple of years together he would get very anxious when going away and would need to take photos of me with him.
I'm only mentioning this because it might help you - but I realise it might not! It certainly helped me as I know he is overwhelmed by life (much as he seems/presents that he is very on top of everything) so I feel much less like he doesn't care/doesn't love them and more that he is limited.
I'm sorry for your LO that he didn't ring. That is very out of order - it's almost worse that he has been so reliable. If he was unreliable you wouldn't have set your LO up to expect it.
In terms of what to say about the phone call, I have now started to ignore this sort of thing as I find getting into discussions just makes me angry and he doesn't take on board what I say. I try to just see it as he is selfish and that's how he is, but to try really hard to learn from it. For example, what else could you do to ensure this doesn't happen again? What if you rang him at an agreed time then you could check he is there. He can then ring you back straight away (to save your phone bill!) and you can then get LO on board.
You might decide not to do that but to just not big up his calls and say he may call rather than he will, not matter what he says. Whatever you do, for me I find it's best to deal with the consequences of his behaviour however unfair and not try and explain to him how hurtful his behaviour was as it's impossible for him to hear.
Well done for all your hard work, Flapjack. You're doing great.
Gem
x
Thanks GEM, and I especially like it when you suggest substituting "couldn't" with "didn't want to"..it puts a different perspective on things.
Flapjack I know exactly what you mean when you apologise even when you aren't sorry just to smooth things down, I have notice that it is a method I use myself to avoid conflict. Sometimes it's a good choice (like when the conflict is likely to be petty and not worth bothering with) but as Anna says, it is about speaking your truth (calmly!!)
Why is it so difficult? A few months ago, I get taken to court, I spend all my and my parents hard earned money. I suggest something that I'd suggested 6 months before which i felt would benefit my LO since dad couldn't be trusted in the contact centre to not emotionally abuse daughter.
Dad agreed to it in court via our barristers negotiating, he didn't have any other suggestions or anything else that he could offer so took up my suggestion. I also offered phone calls which he has taken up although insists on questioning daughter about how im looking after her - "have you had your dinner, what did you have" EVERY WEEK (except one he missed).. and going on and on about school even in the 6 weeks holiday and would prefer skype which I'd rather not - i dont want him intruding into my life further than i allow him too
With the understanding that given my concerns for his mental health (aside from being a pillo'k) that he would provide his medical records and occupational records.. Due to go back to court in a few weeks time. WHY hasn't he provided the records for Cafcass, WHY hasn't he arranged the contact in the centre that he AGREED to.. WHY is he trying to put it back into my court and tell my solicitor to find a centre (I've found 3 centres in my LOs locality).
I'm fed up already with this and i feel like i'm only just starting the process even though its been going on for 3 years now. And he told cafcass that "he has a 3 bedroomed house ready for her to live in". Over my dead body... grrr, yet he denies wanting residency, and still hasn't told me what kind of contact he wants with her. Sorry, just having a rant... I'm so fed up and don't really understand why I'm going to court if dad can't do the things he has agreed in the court orders.
Yes it's very frustrating but hopefully the court will see how unco-operative he is being.
As for the phone conversations, though, the asking what she has had for tea and about school, I imagine rather than checking up on you, he just does not know what else to say to her and falls back on the same few questions each time.
He's just driving me nuts. He's so rude to me on the phone. I dont know about him not asking which questions, my daughter does a good job of leading the calls and will tell him lots of things, but when it involves my brother or my dad he just refuses to comment and ignores the conversation and asks what she did at school. it distressed her because obv she got an aversion to school during the holidays.
Hmmm, I'm just fed up with me having to do all the work. That's the reason the relationship didn't work.. and yet, I'm still feeling like I'm doing all the running around. How difficult can it be to pick a contact centre, fill the form out and arrange to see your daughter - the daughter you threaten to die for, or hand your notice in to spend time with her etc etc.
Its not fair that he gets to pick and choose which parts of hte order he wants to and yet if i did that would be classed as being obstructive.
Sorry, really in the doldrums and stressed today!
Don't blame you one bit and I am sure you're right, what a person has been like in a relationship can only become more so during these disputes....
Hi Flapjack
i just read your thread and my x done this (he plays mind games with her, telling her she's going to live with him) he took it furthur and told her to tell social and everyone that mums bad and i smack her. Now shes living with him and i have to have supervised contact, he constanly lies and threatened my life, he has always been emotionally abusive and yes he had loads of affairs, i am waiting for court in dec when judge decides who gets residence but they all on his side as they beleive him and they dont beleive me. been through hell but i'm getting a solicitor and asking for hearing of facts, i couldn't afford one before and i been victimised until now, the court system is a joke and it's his audience in this game he plays, i already told them its like our child is a pawn in a game of chess. Well wait and see if i get check mate!
best wishes to you
ABT
Thanks for the input, ABT 
Oh, ABT, how awful. Fingers crossed things will start looking up.
I've got court this week.
Got my cafcass report through just over a week ago. Its so wishy washy. And, it makes reference to her bedroom being at her father's g/friends house. Exactly HOW is her bedroom there?? She's never stayed over there, she's never even been out with him since he left let alone to the house. They have ignored the fact that he hasn't provided his medical records as agreed (and put in the order last time), they reckon they haven't received my senco papers (despite my solicitor sending them through IN TIME unlike what he sent in which was late), they complained that daughters school didn't respond to them (urm, they contacted the school between the 5th and the 7th Sept, damn right, the school surely has better things to do than tell cafcass what i speak the truth and they refused to look at all my evidence of his lies and suicide threats.
They wrote in the report that WE haven't arranged a suitable supervised contact centre, urm, I have received one request for a centre and said go for it if its the best we can get (because its a 6 train journey and was worried daugther would be exhausted on the way home and I'd have to carry her (she's 5 now)) AND he's still telling her that he can see her very soon.
On the phone contact last week, I finally asked Dad WHEN soon was and he tried to blame me and was all attitudey. Cafcass and my solicitor BOTH said it was his order and HE has to arrange the centre, i just have to turn up so how is it my fault?
The other thing is, cafcass have put in the report that he should take a sworn undertaking NOT to say emotional blackmail type things, I asked my sol what the penalty was WHEN he breaches this (given he's STILL breaching it everyweek on the phone) .. she said "nothing really" .. its a case of taking him back to court. SO its as pointless as the order instructing him to arrange supervised contact which he was DYING to have....
That sounds ridiculous Flapjack! Can I just confirm about the train journey to the contact centre? You put 6 and I was not sure what you meant?
Sorry, three there and three back (so six in total)..If this happens now (after court this week), we will be heading into the winter months (when it could and would have been all over and done with if organised in June in the summer) and the trains we will be getting on will mean lots of waiting around as they are different lines. There are two closer contact centres which would have been one train there and one back for each of them (in different directions from where we live), he's just being awkward.
When we were in a contact centre previously at the start of the year (the supported one) LG was exhausted from seeing her dad and I think she'd try to block all of her emotions out by falling asleep (she is being monitored for autism at the moment) - she'd be asleep before we left the car park (I had a car then, but it died at Christmas and I cannot afford to buy a new one at the moment) so I can imagine having to carry her the whole way back and getting her on and off trains . Its just silly.
Louise, but, I've not even said no to this contact centre, just asked that they would note that there were centres closer to LG in case they had missed that. Yet, he's still not organised it.
I agree with Louise Flapjack, that sounds ridiculous, let's hope he will go for a centre thats closer, hope all goes well in court this week, what day is it that you have go?
Thanks Sally. Court is tomorrow.
Dreading it. I don't really know where to go from here, since he didn't follow the instructions of the last hearing, didn't have a clue as to what he wanted etc.
He's so angry with me and my family, but he doesn't understand that I never withheld contact.
Is it possible to have an all parties meeting before the hearing tomorrow? He doesn't seem to understand that I've never stopped him seeing daughter. I got fed up with his abuse and lies and whining. Had he said "can i have daughter on Saturday" the answer would have always been yes, instead he'd say "i miss her" and I'd say "we're free Saturday" and that would be wrong (he'd be working, or "out the country" and then I'd be a c, or a b#tch for not using my crystal ball)
I'm sick of all the lies he tells. He's still denying all the abuse even though I've concrete evidence of it, but no one is interested in it. And because he's denying it, he must be telling the truth and I must be the nutty one.
hi hun gud luck in court tomz, ive bin thru court for last year, over with now, it is heard, just b strong hun,my ex lied alway thru court, it all went against him, x
Thanks Kiera!
How did you end up proving that he's a liar? I just have trouble getting anyone to look at my evidence.
hi well thing is cafacss av dun propa checks , so his criminal record which is violent one and long, and all the police reports, 18 of them everytime i rang police, and alway thru court he said he adnt bin violent to me, then he admitted it at last contested hearing, he lied doin hair strand test, he used hair dye, he delayed it by 5 months, it just all went against him , plus 2 harassment orders agianst him fopr harasssin me and followin me, plus judge sas gave me indefinate non molestation order,he as indirect conta t thru 3rd party, but no1 to do it, so ive heard nothin for over month now, ex as to do 28sessions domestic violence course, drug rehab for canabis, counsellin,and b drug free for 6 months, and crime free, and av no domestic incidents with hsi girlfriend, and he ad double life he as baby i new nothin bout, and a girlfrined,he also jsut sounded so hostile on the stand bout me, so it was gud outcum for me, cafacss saw thru him and the 3 judges, there is hope for u hun xx b consistent
Hi Flapjack have you had any support from a domestic abuse service? lot's of women that have been in abusive relationships have found them suppportive in these instances.
Good luck with today, let us know how you get on
hi gud luck to day hun, b strongxx
Thanks everyone.
To say I'm absolutely fuming with the court is an understatement.
Despite Dad not fulfilling the majority of the requirements (he fulfilled phone calls that's all) under the last order nothing was said, just brushed under the carpet. In fact he was praised for the doc he had compiled (on the 19th September - a week before court after 3.5 months waiting) listing all the supervised contact centres in a 50 mile radius. Why he hadn't forwarded this to me beforehand so we could make a decision is anyones business, but my barrister didn't bother pushing this point and the judge commented on how smart and informative it was.
He has changed the schedule that he advised cafcass he wanted. He's now wanting every other weekend rather than one in three. When i put my foot down and pointed out cafcass advised one in three i was told by my barrister i was lucky it wasn't every weekend (urm, i work full time - 11 hour days - with travel, surely im entitled to see my daughter too of a weekend?). I know every other is the norm, but, given Dad hasn't ever told me what he wanted then i receive a doc suggesting 1 in 3 (granted I'm not thrilled by this BUT, figured it could be worse, can you imagine how gut wrenching it is to realise I'm losing my daughter for every other weekend when I'd set up for 1 in 3)
But, father of the year is away for the WHOLE of November. So i suggested that he doesnt see her till December since its not fair to again start contact and sod off on holiday (he did this last year in the contact centre) and when i questioned his commitment got told that had i booked a holiday, i wouldn't have been questioning it (urm, actually, I booked my holiday so that it DIDNT coincide with his contact). The fact he had 8 whole months to have a holiday is clearly none of my business.
I was not allowed (my barrister said) to mention in court that he's had 3.5 months to discuss him not arranging a contact centre in that time. We are here now and the fact he's moaning about contact going to be unsupervised in the middle of winter is now my problem with me having to extend it so he can get to shelter (he lives 50 miles away from me). FFS. IF HED ARRANGED CONTACT IN JULY IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SUMMER.
Then the order, we have certain things we now aren't allowed to talk about to daughter (note the word "We"). My daughter thinks i love her dad (hahaha) because I try to encourage a positive influence and relationship. Yep, i might rant on here but daughter never hears it from ME or my family. Its dad that does this. But, equal opportunities and all that so we have to mention that mother mustn't say it. Just makes me mad. And, if daughter comes home emotionally damaged from dad's care I should think of it as pulling a band aid off, child will get over it and be stronger, yep, but its ME that will have 6 weeks of sleepless nights when I'm working FULL TIME and trying to break daughters upset and habit and daughter has autism/anxiety and its NOT FAIR ON HER. So, if i hear of it happening (and remember, I'm not allowed to question it...) I have to go and take my dirty laundry to school and get the school to write a report on it... given daughter doesn't talk to anyone BUT me about her upset is not a valid excuse for this.
Oh and i need to attend one of these stupid single parenting courses. Urm, again, do we think father of the year is going to attend?! Of course not, will he be punished? No. Unless he of course starts being able to carry children and be called mother, then the law will continue to sit on his side despite the suicidal tendancies, the reports which say that he's unstable, the emotional blackmail to both me and my daughter, the lies he has made up about me to the police (bearing in mind he's a police officer), the threats to hit me and the lies bringing my credibility into question.
Sorry, but I'm really really angry at the moment. Probably a good thing that I won't see him again until December..... 
PS, despite having proof of a lot of my accusations, I had complete trouble showing my barrister, his solicitor/barrister/cafcass etc proof that he has on numerous occasions threatened suicide, been aggressive to me, etc apparently if you are a police officer on active duty, it seems that you are above being mentally incapacitated and the person making this complaint must be a crazy mother wishing to stop contact.
Flapjack I can hear how absolutely fuming you are, and I am not surprised. I think you need to take a million deep breaths, or maybe two million.
All I can say is that over the years I have often seen parents fight in court like your daughter's dad is doing, try everything at their disposal and yet once the dust settles afterwards, it is almost as if the stuffing goes out of them and the "rights" that were yelled about just stop being so important once they have technically "won" and the whole thing peters out. And sadly, whilst a parent without day to day care can take out a case like this, the parent with care cannot take a case to force the other parent to be consistent!!
I would recommend you keep a detailed log of contact and what happens, to give you a documentary record if it is needed in the future.
I've done that already Louise and will continue to do so, for what its worth.
And, similarly its just not looked at. Perhaps if i got a professional to do it, then it would be more worthwhile.
I am so cross, and sorry, it was either you guys getting the rant, or my solicitor... who got the toned down words "very disappointed" .. at least she wont be charging me to respond to my rants....
I actually feel exhausted. I dont want to fight this anymore, cos at the end of the day father of the year will just take me to court every time i suggest something he doesn't agree with. I just want to cry. On top of this, daughter having been back to school has become monster child. She's become rude at home, argumentative, throwing things and completely out of hand.. although at school she's the model child.. I'm sure she's picking up on vibes at home, but I've really tried to be patient and "normal".
I'm just fed up and annoyed...
hi hun im sorry it didnt go to how u wnated it to,must b hard, i was always worried tht cafacss etc wud believe his lies.just not fairx
We are here to rant to anytime it makes you feel better to let off some steam, Flapjack.
One day at a time now while you and daughter recover from all the stress
Oh flapjack my heart goes out to you, BIG HUG coming your way, i can see why you are feeling so stressed, the legal aspects of it all can be such a pain, but doing it the way they are your solicitors are making a good impression of you, i know that you don't feel like playing ball with them anymore, but it will be for only a bit longer.