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im confused! looking back, im thinking of all the nice things my ex did actually do- and im thinking was he abusive then or did he become abusive later when the nice things stopped?
can a person transform so much? or is the niceness just masking the controlling, abusive side?
heard a freind of mine being complimented today as her husband is so supportive ( he cooks, cares etc) and i sat thinking - mine was similiar at the beginning of the marriage- does that mean he wasnt abusive then? and he became so later? heard another freind say that its a woman who has to try to make the mariage work no matter what happens- did i not try hard enough? did i give up too easily? i know i didnt, but theres a likkle voice inside saying maybe i could have put up with it longer to see if he would have transformed back?!
oh dear! im very confused :-{
The Git was quite wonderful for a while. Really things went wrong from the start, but the subtle changes came after my Dad died - silly things that he wouldn't come to take the dogs for a walk with me. As my first child was born two weeks after my Dad died, it has only taken hindsight to see.
I think everyone with a few exceptions, thought he was charming. He could be when people called. And it was enough to make me doubt my choices.
But it was, I believe, how he kept control over me. Even contacting family and close friends to say I was coping with life - concerned husband (not!).
It was possibly a couple of years after we split up that people started to see his true colours.
Perhaps it helped that after an initial blip that I did have the support of my in-laws who would never have been as they were had they felt I was to blame for things.
I'm not sure if any of that makes sense!!
Hi chocolate81, your query is a common one, I know I have questioned it in the passed and I have heard many others say the same thing. We are trying to make logical sense of the abuse we received from someone that we loved wholeheartedly. We want to understand it so that we don't make the same mistake again and also feel that we did the right thing when others make flippant comments about marrieages/relationships.
If your ex had shown his true colours right at the beginning of the relationship, you wouldn't have even embarked on a relationship with him. Interestingly I have found that the more confident women are before an abusive relationship, the longer the abuser takes to show his true colours. He has to take his time to 'work' the control. The warning signs were being shown from the start, but because we didn't want to see them or we didn't believe someone could really be that cruel, we let things go.
I actually know of someone who stuck it out with her abusive husband, he isn't physically abusive anymore because he got ill and basically he needs her. He still has a go at her though and although she now answers him back - it isn't pleasant. She believes she is happy as 'she got her man', but I still see her as trapped, she has trapped herself.
I just know I have changed sooo much since being free of my ex, I am free to live my life exactly as I wish and I have had some amazing experiences, if I had endured the abuse from my ex until he got too old, I wouldn't be half the woman I am today!
Have a look at this article on Cognitive Dissonance, I think it will help, it is something that is discussed in the Freedom Programme (they are big words, but the article is simple I promise!!) It explains the confusion that you are feeling right now!
hi thts true if abusive men were abusive at the beginin they wudnt see us for dust wud they, they hook us in, we fall for it basically,then they start playin mind games and well il,say no more
Kiera, I totally agree.
im doing this- ur right about changing goal posts i was constantly spinnign around in different directions- he honestly made me feel like i was losing my marbles!! think i will try the freedom programme , thanks
sparkling lime- mine too had almost everyone convinced that he was the worlds best husband and father!!
Anna you said- 'Interestingly I have found that the more confident women are before an abusive relationship, the longer the abuser takes to show his true colours'
Anna this is so true- thanks for pointing it out to me. when i finally started to talk about what i had been going through, many people were shocked and found it hard to believe. Im usually quite confident, hold a degree, been in the education sector since i graduated- the questions everyone asked was - why had i put up with it? the answer was that i did it for the kids, and i didnt want to get divorced again. he knew this and it a twisted kind of way he used it to keep on piling the pressure knowking that i would keep
quiet. it was a huge shock to him when i started to tell people, so much so that he went into total denial!!
i will have a look at the article you mentioned, thanks again ladies:-)
excellent article and website :-)
think i will refer to this everytime i meet a potential partner- in a way i dont trust my instincts or judgement any more
i used to think i was a good judge of character
Experience of abuse can leave you doubting your own judgement. We had a really interesting thread a while ago about warning signs....not neccessarily in abuse relationships but in relationships that were not going to succeed. I believe that we often get these signs but ignore them!
Here is the thread, I think it is very interesting.
Hi chocolate81
It is very confusing that's for sure...
Your absolutely right when you use the term mask as that's exactly what an abusive person does they mask their abusive side, they are often charming likable people an abusive person uses many masks in their abuse.
It would not matter how hard YOU tried chocolate as an abusive person moves the goal post constantly to keep you on your toes to keep you confused this is not about you but about them.
You could of put up with it longer honey but your ex would only change if HE wanted to change there's nothing you or anyone could of done to change him and that's esentaly because these men are in dinial about a lot of their behavour, they often lern these behaviors so feel they are right and initialed to act this way eg, maybe his dad was like that so they believe it's right.
Abusive people very often dont change unless they identify their behavior as wrong and enrol on an abusers course such as respect or simler but these courses have a very low sucses rate and sadly some men use them to their advantage.
Have you done the freedom program? I have done it online and in a group it's very very good I'd recommend it ;)
Take care x