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Hi,
I urgently need some advice. Ive been seperated from my ex husband for 15 months after i stood up to his violent behaviour through the courts and helped gain a conviction because of his behaviour.
My girls were on a child protection plan for a few months whilst they attained a risk assessment for him to have access to his daughter. This has now all been through the courts and I have done everything social services have asked from me. Get a residency order, get a divorce, go to court...etc.
I hve been incontact with my ex and I can see huge changes to his attitude and feel he was never really given an opportunity to change his way of dealing with conflict by using violence.
I have told my eldest daughter's father I have been considering giving him a chance to change (1 strike you're out not 3) and he went mad saying he wants custody of my 4 year old who I have been on my own with since she was a few months old. She see's him 1 night a week and it would mean her becoming seperated from her 19 month old sister and also moving school.
I don't know who to believe. My head is so fried with everything.
Thanks Anna. I really apreciate your advice.
I feel like its been a bit '1 step forward 2 steps back' the past month or so. I think moving to a new area and starting back at work has thrown me off kilter...I don't have anyone accept my immediate family around me and my girls. I did the first handover between my ex husband and his daughter around a month ago (previously my Dad was kindly doing this for me).
All it took was 1 text and he was back swamping my thought processes. I want to think he's changed - I'd love nothing more than for my marriage to be back on track but it is a huge huge gamble considering how lucky ive been historically.
Arrgh I wish I had a crystal ball.
Helllo blaze87
Let me know if you find the address of the crystal ball shop and I will pay them a visit myself!
Well done on having faced the upheaval you have been through HIGH FIVE, not easy, espeically with the authorities involved.
Obviously I can't tell you what to do, but my gut feeling is that it is too soon for you to be taking any decisions, things are still very raw. I echo Anna's question about what your youngest's dad has done...has he been to a counsellor, on a course? or is she just saying hey I have changed and poor me I wasn't given a chance? I would suggest you ask your dad to take over the handovers once more, at least for a while.
Have you had a chat with a solicitor about your eldest? I presume her dad is saying she is in a risky situation if your youngest's dad is still around? If you would like some legal advice then click here to email our Legal Expert.
How are you feeling now?
I'm feeling more positive today :-)
I'm all for spending time together away from my eldest as my youngest isn't as aware of of a man being around.
Plus it means I can spend time with my ex husband and my youngest to help him build a relationship with her with me around too. As he missed out on the first 12 months of her life that bond isn't there yet. We split up when she was 3 weeks old when the violence started again and the authorities took this long to do a risk assessment! It was me who complained in the end saying this is ridiculous, she should be allowed to know who her Dad is.
It was starting to look like I was withholding our daughter from him, when I was actually doing what the authorities asked of me otherwise I would have been deemed a 'bad protector'. I was between a rock and a hard place for a long time.
My ex took body building drugs and I think that had alot to do with his violent outburts and paranoia/controlling ways. He has since stopped these. I think he's had a profound realisation of how he needs to behave to keep his family together. We met quite young (he was 20, I was 18) and we got engaged 5 years later, married a year later and had our daughter the following year. It was a very intense year!
He isn't a bad person - we have tried to be apart before and even moved on. We split for 18 months when we were 19/20 (hence the birth of my eldest child). He treated F like his own even though that relationship destroyed him.
Sometimes I wonder if theres too much history there and othertimes I wonder maybe we really are solid as a rock. It pains me to think I can't see passed him.
Good morning glad you are feeling better today
I have edited out your daughter's name, we keep things to initials here.
Sounds to me as if taking things steady would be a plan...
hi blaze how are u today, well my kids are at risk if i av anythin to do with my ex at all, my solicitert told me tht in court and cafcass, as i kept takin him bk u c, lon gstory really, luk on my thread on edge, or louise wil put link on it, its very long story , but u av dun well so far it is hard, but i thin ex shud prove wot he as dun, ur kida i think are stil at risk, wot is more important ur kid or ex.please think very carefull bfore u av him bk in ur life he isnt in ur life for a reason, x
i dont want my ex to see our little girl she is 2, he as violent criminal past, cafcass are doin risk assessment to see wot risk e is to er she is 2, x
Hi blaze87, kiera makes some good points about thinking very carefully about the situation, there was a reason the past 15 months have been how they were.
Now that is not to say that I don't believe that people can't change, especially when drugs have been involved. However I think it would be good for you to attend some domestic abuse workshops, to help you learn a bit more about violence and abuse.
Have a look at this article on Tactics of an Abuser and see if you recognise any of your ex's traits.
At the bottom is a link to our Freedom Programme online that you can do at home quietly.
Currently your ex is trying to win favour with you, so he will only show his good side, however please do not buy into everything that he says. You have mentioned that there was more than one incident of violence so please, take your time, there is no rush, you have two children to consider, the impact of him being in your life will affect them hugely.
You have been together from a young age, so in one sense he is all you know of adult relationships, for your girls sake, ensure that you show them what a healthy relationship looks like.....
hi blaze87, welcome to this site its not nice when ex partners are violent, i know been through it and come out . my elder son was the one who saw what his dad to me and we went to court and lives under police protection for a year and it wasnt nice and my ex couldnt come near us though he tried . he was found gulity and i knew i didnt want him to have my 2 sons on his own so i sadi if they were to see their father it had to be supervisied only. but mine being 8-11 they dont want to see their dad so they went to cafcass and were spoken to and their wishes were taken and now he cant see them or go anywhere near them he can write letters and send gifts lol joke he as wrote once we should be on the 3rd but its his loss not mine or my boys .
to be honest i would be careful of your ex as he may have changed or is it a game i would if you wbnat to let your children see him do it through supervisied that way you will feel better and they will be safe , there is that saying that they dont change their spots and i think that is true .
its is not nice when you have been through it and i know how you feel but when children are involed i think you have to be careful more. stay posting you get good advice on here and support
I guess you're right. I actually think he's only with me for a roof over his head as he has been pressuring to have a key cut etc... I told him I'm not comfortable with that n he said 'f*** you ill settle elsewhere'. Guess I'm just a fool. Also he has already been verbally abuseive but puts it down to him being 'passionate'. I honestly wish id never met him. I hate the hold he has over me.
Hi blaze87, the 'hold' is horrible isn't it, but you do have choices.
I am presuming from your message above that your ex has pretty much moved back in, but doesn't have a key?
Abuse is abuse. You feel passionately about your children, but you don't abuse them do you?
I am very aware that your children have already been on a protection plan because of your ex, I think you need to think really carefully about your next moves.
If you rebuild something with your ex, he knows exactly how to manipulate you into doing exactly what he wants and it gets harder every time to get out of the situation.
You currently have your own place with your own key and YOU decide who comes in and when they leave. Please re-read your post above.
This guy hasn't changed, has he? He has just managed to persuade you otherwise.
How would you feel asking him to 'settle elsewhere' then?
hi blaze how are u ive bin in ur situation,sound like ur ex asnt changed 1 bit,he wil say and do anythin to get u under his control again,i wish i never met my ex,i hate him,we are in middle court but at mo hes not allowed contcat with ou rlittle girl ,found out in court in july bout his violent past and secret life he ad, cafcass report was in my favour no contact, i av non molestation order on him, and middle getin residency order in my favour cafccass lady very nice when she came to see me, i dont av contact at all with ex as got told my cafcass and my solociter if i av any contact with this man my kids at risk, and i will im stil classed as high risk,he ad hold over me, i kept goin bk to him, he harassd me followed me, intimidated me, out of fear i kept goin bk to him,ur kids wil b at risk hun if u take him bk or av anythin to do with him, even now he aint changein,they wil see it as u failin to protect ur kids, i no its hard ive bin there hun,please think bout ur kids and ur self and ur sanity, i was wreck few weeks ago, now im not to bad, i av moments like seein him in court, i cudnt go in i didnt av to, but i av contested hearin in feb i av stand up in front panel of jusges and say why i dont want his man to av conatct with my 2 yr old little girlxread my thread on edgex
He's not moved in I've seen hhim maybe 2 - 3 times a week now he wants more. I love my children dearly and would love nothing more than to be able to provide them with a 2 parent household but going off his attitude he hasn't changed and isn't suitable to be living us.
I would actually feel relieved if he settled elsewhere. Then he'd be out of our lives. he pulls on gnu heart strings by saying he's homeless and hungry.
Yes blaze87 he does and that is exactly what he plans to do. Everything he does that makes you feel guilty, awkward, confused, concerned, embarrassed etc etc etc is all to control you.
A decent person doesn't do this things, a kind loving human cares for the person they are with and would bend over backwards not to hurt them.
Of course you want to provide your children with a 2 parent household, I think most of us would, but this is your reality at this moment, I would protect yourself and your girls like a lioness, before he walks all over you again.
Where does he stay when he is not at yours?
blaze all i ever wanted was to b a family tht why i ad baby with him, thts part reason i kept takin nim bk, how was wrong was i he ad baby i didnt no botu abd girlfriend, these men are very maniputive, if he really loved u he wudnt do wot he does, like my ex he never loved me,
Hiya Kiera, it's crap isn't it. I feel like I don't know the difference between a bad temper n abuse, if that makes sense? That's awful about ur baby's dad! He doesn't deserve you xxxx
hi hun and to hear it all in court or i bet i wudnt of known and prob wud of still kept taking him bk and then i wud bin really ill, wass makin me wreck hun, it as all bin an act, he never loved me, it was all false, how cud a man b like tht its awful and he as cheek to drag me thru court, i really wanted it to work but it never wud of, i tried for nothin,just b careful hun, u dont deserve all sh*t eitherx
Hello blaze47
I do understand that you still feel such an emotional connection to this man but I also think there is a significant risk that if you let him back into your life then your children may end up on the At Risk register again. Your eldest's daughter has already said he does not want her involved with the your ex and I understand that too.
His "sob stories" are designed to get you hooked in again. Does he not have even one friend or relative on whose sofa he could sleep? If not, then does that not tell you something very significant?
Please put your children first in this situation. Have you had some support from Women's Aid?
See this link (click) Have a look at the different types of abuser....in particular look at The Perusader.
hi louise yes my ex was defo the persuader, but i stuck to it, wasnt easy tho blaze, my ex tried every trick in book for me to respond to him, he even said he ad accident in work and he needed me, then he turn nasty, ive ad no contact with ex as soliciter andncafcass made it very clear tht if ui ad contact with ex my kids at risk, so tht was tht, ive ad no contcat, no way im losin my kids cos of tht man, but i do understand hun, x
So your ex had some features of The Persuader, kiera....does that also ring true for you, blaze87? I am just going by what you have said to us about him...
I can see asdifferent all thdifferent personality traits in my ex. It's so depressing to realise what a fool I was
Hi blaze87, you were not a fool. From my experience it is often very strong women that endure abuse. Your ex lured you in and then manipulated your compassion, kindness and love for him. You weren't the first person that this happened to and you sure won't be the last either sadly.
Absoutely his loss. It can feel depressing to think that we fell for it, but rather than beat yourself up, now is the time to take strength from recognising it for what it is and move forward. Unfortunately once we accept the truth, there is no turning back.
I think it is important that you find some support locally to help you through this. Have look here to see what is available in your area (click). If you can't find something there, let us know and we can find something else.
We are here to support you and you can get through this, I did, kiera did and many others here online did, so please make the most of us! 
It's nice to know that there's other people going through the same. I feel like people label me a bad Mum and wife because of the situation I was in. I'm lucky I'm dead dead looking back. I just sometimes think if I can be around when he's around my daughter ill have more say over his parenting but he has unsupervised access to my little girl and I know he's choked his new partner (who is 17!) and dragged her through glass after throwing a coffee table at her.
hi blaze i understand what ur saying, i felt like fool, stil do as my ex fooled me, i said he ad secret life to his face he laffed and said i was paranoid, but it was true, all that time he was lieing to my face and my kids, i cant elp but stil think bout itx
Hi blaze87, I didn't realise that your ex has a new partner now. That is shocking what he has done to her, the poor kid. It also shows that he hasn't changed. Did he tell you about this situation?
Would you consider witholding contact, now that you have this knowledge?
He's had a new partner since we've been split. Infact he's had a few.
Im starting to feel trapped by him again. he's done that thing he's so good at 'give him an inch but takes a mile'. I'm desperate to tell him I've made a mistake. Luckily he's working 12 hour shifts all week so ill hardly see him. It's absorbing me with worry now.
Ok blaze87, lets just take a step back. You live under your own roof and you have two small girls. Who is in control here? Who would you like to be in control here?
The answer is You...you said that you are starting to feel trapped. What can you do to change this current situation?
You could let things lie, especially as he is working long shifts at the moment - this would result in your emotions running high and feeling at a loss. OR you can take the bull by the horns, using his long shifts as a barrier and let him know what you are saying.
You don't need to explain yourself. You can text, email, call or meet and simply say what you want. 'I don't want a relationship with you at the moment, I want you to be in your daughters life, but I have some work to do on myself' (or something to that effect, whatever is your truth). He will try and ask you questions or persuade you otherwise, but all you need to do is repeat what you have said and say that you can say nothing more at this point and then have somewhere to go.
It is not easy at all, but the bottom line is - you are a mother now and you have two small girls who need you to take control and show them what is acceptable behaviour and what you will or won't allow in their lives.
I believe you can do it, it takes guts, but I know that you have them! Do you want to share a bit more about how he is making you feel trapped?
I know what you mean. I'm feeling trapped because he is playing the hands on father and understanding husband with bags of understanding and respect for my needs but I know the other side to his personna is just around the corner. He's already nearly destroyed my phone then on Saturday night he tried to find it when I was in bed. He's pressuring me to take my married name again and has basically swanned back into my life like its his for the taking. im starting to feel that constant feeling of 'something bads about to happen'. I miss 2 months ago when I had friends n family again.
It sounds as if you are seeing all the danger signs before they happen, GOOD FOR YOU.
How do you feel about saying to him what Anna has suggested?
hi blaze87 i would be very cautios i understnd you still have feelings for your ex as i still do for mine ,my ex was violent towards me and was charged he had to do a domestic violence programme and had probation during this time we began talking again and i really did see a change in him and we rekindled our relationship, i neva had kids with him at this point i had two from a previous relationship, things went well and i did see a positive change in ex right up until the probation ended and we moved as soon as these two things happend he bacame volitile again after being so well behaved for 12 months he knew what he ws doing as long as he got through his probation and course with no incidents he ws safe, he was only biding his time an me moving home was part of the game to him cos he isolated me more, i then fell pregant and things became worse again , untilll the police and social services got involved and our relationship ended, please all im sayin hun is they can change when it suits them so be very carfull x
I'm just exhausted with it all. He stayed over last night he ended up storming off to bed after shouting at me n told me not to wake him up this morning so I didn't I got the girls quietly ready for school and went up work and I've had a barrage of crap all day for not bringing the girls in to say happy birthday but he told me he wanted a lie in and as I'm working today n the kids are in sschool we did the presents last night. Am I in the wrong? I feel like I can't do right for doing wrong
Apparently I have no family values, I shouldn't have had kids because I'm a career girl and I've ruined his special day
And do you believe that blaze87? Who are you going to believe? It sounds as though you are looking for someone in your life who is going to cherish you and your girls, take your thoughts and feelings into consideration and discuss any issues rather than create a row.
I don't believe you will get this with your current chap, however much you may love him, he isn't going to change. Look at what anonymous mum says in her post above - (great post by the way and very relevant).
You are well within your rights blaze87 to tell him to back off for a while, NOBODY should be twisting your words, thoughts and general self esteem like this. You are not doing yourself any favours...unfortunately abusive men can often have a 6th sense that we are backing off and pull the hearts and flowers card again. (See anonymousmum post again)
If you are feeling lost, would you consider talking through your options, or feelings with Womens Aid - 0808 2000247? They are available 24/7
hi blaze87 i know what your going through is hard cos iv been there, no matter what you do your in the wrong always being put down trying to knock your confidence your selfesteem, the two hardest things i have done in my life are 1)leaving an abusive relationship ( because i loved him and he made me feel like i needed him) and 2) having his child form out of the relationship being a single parent is the most challenging thing i have done , and i still mourn my relationship with my ex a year down the line but i know that i have donr the best thing i could ever have done for my self and my kids i may suffer a broken heart but i wont let them suffer seeing me put down disrespected , abused , im now in the process of being taken to court by my ex for acccess to our baby , cos i had to close all doors to him for my sanity and my kids, im not saying you should leave and he,s a bad person cos i dont kno eiter of you and dont know the ful story but what iv read, reminds me of how i used to feel, your not a bad mum for having a career, and he should apreciatted tht you are a mum and go out to work rather then relying on him it sounds like he doesnt like your indepence, hope your ok hun take care x
hi blaze how are u, well i kept takin my ex back cos i realy wanted family and for us to work, plus he wore me down all tym,but in end i ad no choice to end it, was makin me ill, he was never to change, plus wudnt worked anyway as he ad double life,i do understand hun where ur cumin from, i no its hard but think of ur kiddies, these men do play games and do wot suits them, i av ended it with ex yet stil goin thru it as goin thru court now, want it ovber withxx ope ur ok bhunxx
god its amazing how many women go through the same thing and am so glad i found this site where we can all share our experiances and make us know were not alone at that we are not the only person going through it, for me it helps to read , other experiances as it gives me knowledge , i hope this is giving you some knowleged blaze87 and that your not alone, hope your well keira xx
it breaks my heart. I was a bright young pretty girl when I met him now I'm confused, bitter, haggered and exhausted. i feel like a bad person and like I'm lucky to have anyone in my life. I push people who genuinely care away because I hate who I am now. It's hard explain. It's like he's built a wall around me that only he knows how to knock down now. I've attempted suicide twice in 12 months and feel like I can't concentrate on anything other than how crap everything around me is. The only thing that makes me smile are my girls but I feel like I'm that busy looking after them I don't have time to have fun with them. I feel embarrassed walking round tesco with 2 young girls on my own. Divorced, bitter and lonely at the tender age of 25. I don't know how things got so bad. I used to be the envy of everyone around me now there's no one around me except me n my children which is great I couldn't bare us being apart but it's just tiring some nights. I moved to a new town and I don't even know my way around. I've been here 6 months and the only visitors I've had is my parents to see the girls.
I got with someone else after me n husband split. He got sent to jail abruptly one day and isn't released til next summer. I know I'm not painting a very good picture here. this person isn't violent or controlling (in fact i used to laugh saying hes that laid back he's horozontal) and we're neither chavy or scroungers. He chased some illegitmate money and he made a huge mistake. He was young and nieve and had some bad people manipulating him (his family have money). I never in my life thought I'd be a visitor in a prison yet I have been. I have to go in my suit before work. It's amazing the different kinds of people who walk through those doors. Believe it or not this guy helped me out of the abuse and since he's been gone (7 month ago) I feel like my voice of reason and protective blanket has gone too. It's just been a horrible 18 months.
Thanks for all ur advice. It's nice to actually talk to people about this. I thought I was just a bad partner and can't keep a relationship together.
i still ask my self that , i think its only human to question yourself , but i know the truth especially now , now i have had that breathing space ,its only now a year later i am actually starting to realise the extent of abuse i went through and the affect it has had on me, i dont think its an imediat thought because we are made to feel like its our faults and that we cant do anything right, for so long, we forget who we are, it takes time to heal any wounds x
Everything still rattles round in my head annon.... 'Look at you you're a mess, ur a mentalist, it's a good job i love you, you're gonna be lonely forever, if you stopped letting people in everythibg will be ok'.... It's exhausting
i moved house when i was pregant and just before we splitt i neva knew any one was so isolated and had a lil one on the way, but now i have accepted where i live and am starting to socialise through childrens centres ,i have got to kno other mums , and now i think moving was the best thing for us cos its a fresh start all round, it all tks time hun, you are so young and have so much ahead of you i am 40 and dont kno whats ahead , i always ask my self who would want me a 40 yr old single parent , but things happen when we least expect it and change is good x
He used to choke me until I passed out and laugh saying I knew u were ok because 'you snore like a dog'
Yeah I'm slowly getting my barings. I got us library cards last week and figured out baby rhyme time is on my day off. I've just applied for a new job too which im more than ecperienced for just i haven't applied for progressive roles for 5 years because he took all my time. My career went on hold. I guess im making progress slowly but surely. I took my girls to see Santa today too. I know I can do this.
so sorry hun for what youve been through but beleive me if you get out of this abusive relationship things may be hard for a while but WILL improve for you and your kids, i had to choose my kids over my ex i knew if i took him back i would lose them and that pain would of been worse and he would of been worse, you cant take him back, not if he has done tht to you, he could kill you and then the kids wont have a mother, x
you can do this hun, i took my lil one to see santa for the first time today, i actually thought to my self i love my new life, childrens centres are a really good way of gettin to know new people,yes i have the anxiety of going to court but at least they have taken it off my hands i dont have to deal with him no more x
I think his behaviour is because I was always the main earner, carer and home maker. He is so full of his own importance he can't bare it. He thrived on my negative thoughts n I guess he made me believe that I'm worthless. I LOVE his good days and I miss them. He was so good at taking me from one extreme to the other now I'm just confused like I've forgot the truth
i wish I had an ounce of your common sense! Haha. It's my last day in work tomorrow. Friday is a me and rhyme time day :-)
oh beleive me hun i have been there, my ex was such a charmer and always swept me off my feet, i was so inl love with him ,and like i said its only the past couple of months iv really began to realise the extent of what i went through, i have now thought about counselling where as before i didnt think i needed it, i have only had this time to think and feel like this because my ex hasnt contacted me for 3 months , becuse i sent the police round to him and they told him not to contact me no more unless through a solicitor, it was so hard but he was affecting my time with my children makin demands about contact , giving me verbal abuse upsetting me, it was affecting my parenting and that was what he wanted cos he was losing controll x
enjoy rhyme time tommorow hun, and enjoy your time off work with your lil ones, dont give up xx
Hi there blaze87 and welcome to One Space
It sounds as though you have been through a very turbulent time whilst raising two very small children. How exhausting - mentally, physically and emotionally. I am not surprised your head feels fried!
Well done for standing up to your ex husband when he was violent. This is not an easy thing to do. It sounds as though you have put your children first and done all that was asked of you. Did he get access to your youngest in the end?
You say that you have been in contact with your ex and you can see huge changes in his attitude, this is great news, for himself and more importantly for his daughter. You say that he was never given an opportunity to change his way of dealing with conflict, has he sought out support/courses/a lifestyle change now?
I would be very wary of your ex, it would be completely understandable that you still have feelings for him, however I am presuming that it hasn't been that long since the Court, assessments, divorce etc etc has all been finalised and you are both feeling vulnerable and wondering what the future holds.
You need a break from it all, to get yourself on an even keel and your little family enjoying some time without any drama. Your children need to see their mummy happy and in control.
Your last statement, says - "I don't know who to believe"
This says to me that your ex, has been 'telling' you a lot of stuff about how he has changed and you are weighing up what he has said - the only proof that you can have is in the pudding. There is no rush to get back with him, you can be friends and see the changes he has made.
Your eldests father is obviously concerned about you getting back with ex and I wouldn't blame him after the 18 months you have just had.
What is the most important thing to you here? You and your children staying together and being happy? You getting back with your ex and being in a relationship with him?
At this point, while you don't know who to believe, take a step back for yourself. Trust yourself, the right decision will show itself. Are you feeling particularly pestered to make a decision at the moment?