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Hi everyone:)
Just stumbeled upon this site tonight while looking for some information on how to cope after finally getting out of a relationship with an abusive man.
I have 2 little boys, 2 & 5. There just lovely little kids and i absolutly adore them. There my whole world and the 1 good thing to come out of my relationship with my ex partner.
My ex partner was very mentally abusive throughout most of our 7 year relationship. I dint see it though, when it was happening i didnt relise. Its not until i got out of the relationship that i have seen what he was doing.
Im struggeling to deal with the fact that i un knowingly let my ex completly control me, from things as simple as i wasnt alowed to cut my hair short because he liked it long, to i wasnt alowed to go certain places or be friends with certain people. He moved us away to a town miles away and completly isolated me and my kids from my friends and family. Turned me against them by fulling my head full of alot of nonsense about how they didnt bother with me unless they wanted something, the prefered my niece to my sons etc. He constantly put me down, using humour infront of other people. AlwYs telling me i was stupid and incompatent. Put me down about my job saying i was a skivvy (i work part time as cleaner) As a result i have lost all self confidence. I just cant seem to get over the fact that i let him do all this to me without even relising what he was doing.
After a massive argument, something in me just snapped, when he went to work the next day i packed all mine and the kids stuff and left. Stayed with my mum for a while (she thankfully welcomed us back with open arms) ive since found us a new homeand were settled here. Although as my ex has still being having contact with the kids i've still had to see him. He hates the fact hes not in control anymore and a few weeks ago, when coming to collect the children, he attacked me, tryed to strangle me infront of my kids. The only reason im still here is because my little one picked up the phone and Dialled 999. He has been charged but Has since took me to court as i stopped his contact with the kids. As a result he is still getting to see them every week. I am also reLly struggeling to come to terms with this. As going is just upsetting my kids but i have no choice but to send them as he now has a court order.
Just wondered if anyone out there has been through a similar situation? And could mabey give me some advice on how to try and get over all that has hapPened?
J xx
Hi louise
Thanks yes it is proof that i done the right thing. Im just thankfully that my son did what he done. Im so proud of him for having the sense to do it, knowing that this was a bad situation. Though my son now had bad dreams alot and spends most nights in my bed. Hes always asking why daddy did that? And will daddy go to jail?
Yes i did seek legal advice and my solicitor was with me when we went to court. As he has not been found guilty of what he has done yet (and of course hes denying all knowlege and my kids are to young to act as witnesses) then i think they must see it as innocent till proven guilty. I do however have an interdict which provents him from contacting me. I requested that i wanted the contact to take place at hus mothers house but unfortunatly the judge didnt side with me and has allowed un supervised contact in their fathers home. My mum hands the kids over to his mum and she then takes them to him.
Thanks for the advice and i'll take a look at the freedom programme.
J xx
hiya mummy how are u, well ive bin thru similar, myn was very emotional abusive relation ship, i dont understand how ur ex wud b allowed contact with ur kids god he tried atrangle u and wasnt for ur son who witnessed it all u wudnt b ere, tht is awful, is contact in contact centre supervised, he shudnt b allowed contact un supervised, my ex isnt allowed contact with our little girl she is 2, i found out in court my ex as very violent criminal past i new nothin bout and secret life, girlfriedn and new baby, and got told if i av anythin to do with him my kids cud b tuk off me, as i kept avin him back u c, so of course ad nothin to do with him,my ex played alot mind games, he did seriously assault me on holiday as we,,. wasnt allowed out he followed me harassed me, intimidated me, called my eldest dawter vile names, accused me goin with my own dawter and friends,if u read my thread ul see, anyway free of him, well except for court, dreadin if he gets supervised contact , dont want him see er, he is horrible man, ope u are ok, im ere for u hun, i understand wot ur goin thruxx
hi mummy and i av completed freedom programme, rfeally opened my eyes im doin it again lol, and doin one to one thru wave, cant believe ex as unsupervised contactm, disgustingx
Hi kiera
I am going to do the freedom programme to see if it helps:)
Have you been through a similar experience?
I no, it really is and i hate it. I constantly worry about them when they are there and hate that they need to go even if they dont want to. I just pray every day that he dosnt try to get i to their heads and trys to turn them against me.
J xx
Didnt see your first post when i replied! Lol!
I hope you and your daughter are ok and coping well.
I didnt think he would be alowed un supervised contact and i hope it changes when he IS found guilty of what he done. He id very minipulating i just hope a court can see through his lies. I am dreading going to court and having to tell everyone what he done with him standing there staring at me. Did you get your ex charged?
Thanks fir the support, feels better knowing im not the only one going through this.
J xx
hi mummy yes ive ad support from one space for bout 10 months now, read all my threads on ere, its named on edge, mayb louise put link on m ythreads theres alot, lol, well emotional abuse cant b proved its hard, but cafcaass got acess to his criminal record and in court he as bin jailed loads tyms with assault with deadly weapon, woundin with intent, assaults plus assult on me but tht was done abroad , he punched me in face twice, in teneriefe, there was trial he didnt go but i ad him bk, he as ad 2 harassment orders on him, i av a soliciter, he is takin me court for acess over our little girl she is 2, hes not allowed contact cos high risk surroundin him, and ive bin told by cafcass im to av nothin to do with him, i was classed as high risk and ad alarms and new locks and light in graden to protect myself, calle dpolice many tyms, i hate him, hes only takin me court cos i avnt ad him bk, he wudnt let me go tho ad get police, xx
thanks louise and believe me its a long story, u no fell down today, lady cum see me from wave and shocked when she shocked at my story and wot appened in court and she said i luked great and didnt luk 40 and cudnt believe i av 19 yr old girl and im strong and very resilliant and shud b proud of myself, she said i am lovely and i got upset,
Hi yummymummy23, good luck with the Freedom Programme, I thought you had already done, because when I read your first post, it was as if you were reciting the text book of abusive men.
You ask why and how you let him control you as he did. Well it was a slow and gradual process. If he had behaved like he did at the beginning of the relationship you would never have gone there. Looking back, do you think there were any warning signs?
I wish you luck with the Courts, well done for continuing to press charges, it is very hard to do. Have the Police been involved in your relationship before now? Or do any health professionals know what you went through, before the break ie Health visitors or GP?
Hi anna,
Yeah im starting to see that now. It was a long process from going from the perfct boyfriend (which he seemed to be at the start) till the man he ended up. I dont blame myself for him turning into a monster but i do blAme myself for letting myself be completly brain washed by him.
Thanks, ill need it. Just hope it goes ok and he is found guilty. The police or health professionals havnt been involved before i didnt tell anyone what had been going on until after he attacked me. I wish i had now but hynsites a great thing. Lol
J xx
hi mummy ope u are ok, thinking of u, im at freedom programme today celebrations ,pat craven b therem, she wrote freedom bookx
Hello ym23,
Aha but an abusive person will never show their character at the beginning, they will be nice and draw you in....which leads me to think that they KNOW the full extent of their abuse and therefore how very appealing they need to be at first to achieve their aim. Don't blame yourself: you are out of it now and building a new life for yourself 
Hi louise
You know i never thought of it that way before. Im so glad ive found this website:) the past few days ive been feeling alot better about things, just being able to talk openly about it to people that understand has really helped:) Im working my way through the freedom programme and its really opening my eyes and helping me to understand whats happened.
Jxx
Hi kiera
Im feeling quite good today. Doing some decorating, with the boys help of course so i think it might take all day. Lol:) hope you and yours are doing ok to. Thats great. Well i hope you have a Lovely day:)
J xx
hi mummy, not long bin in, aw nice buffet, lovely food, watch dispatches monday channel 4 bout domestic violence, tina nash is on it, i am on the programme but my face blurred,think its 8 til 8.30x aw i need room decorating for my little girl, when do ur children goin to ur ex x
Aw thats good:) yeah al def watch then. Ive not long moved so had the whole house to do. Still the bathroom and the kitchen to do then thats me:) he takes them friday- satarday one week, satarday to sunday the next. Absulutly hate it, worry about thrm constantly when their there. Wish they didnt have to go. But at the minuite theres nothing i can do about it.
J xx
Hi ym23, years ago my ex took my child in her pj's and drove 120 miles away and wouldn't return her. When I rang the police they asked if she was in any danger (
!) of him hurting her. I recognised that he wouldn't hurt her and although it was a very stressful time and he wasn't the most responsible person in the world, I found it comforting to know that physically she was safe.
Blame is a harsh word, although I do recognise where you are coming from. I blamed my ex for years, then I moved the blame onto myself for staying so long, neither of these is healthy, so I learnt to forgive myself and recognise that I had been duped and it wasn't my fault. Abusive people are very clever in their tactics and although we feel stupid for not seeing it earlier, the fact that as soon as we did, we made steps to creating a better life for ourselves, shows that we are survivors and pretty damn strong to be able to deal with whatever has been thrown at us!
kiera - I can't wait to read all about Pat's visit, I am hoping it is all in your thread
Hello yummumummy23
You are very welcome here
First of all, you have done fantastically well to have got out of an abusive relationship and if you wanted proof that you did the right thing then the attempted strangling is it. It seems strange if he was given a contact oredr with no terms and conditions. Is this in a contact centre? If not, can someone else be present if you are there at handover? Did you have some legal advice at the time that explaioned the boys had witnessed him trying to strangle you?
There is lots of information and support on here for you. For a start have a look at our online Freedom Programme; I am aure you will find it very interesting reading.
Look forward to getting to know you!