Estranged ex is applying for shared access

LittleAngel, I just wanted to say hi and that i know how your feeling as my ex husband basically blackmailed me into a situation where i had to agree to shared access.

When we were splitting up, he was in the army, i was finishing off a part time contract 3 days a week away from home. He basically moved his girlfriend in evrytime i left the house to go to work, and then told me i had to find somewhere to move out to, and he would keep on the army house with all its contents. To be able to keep the army house on he had to prove to them he had sole custody and the army recognises this if you have the child benefit paid into your account! So, he watched me struggle to find a place for me and the kids on my own, then just as i was about to move out told me i had to sign over the child benefit to him or he wouldn't give me a penny in maintenance knowing full well i needed the money to survive. I signed it over. Then he told me we would be having the kids week and week about, and if i didn't agree he would go for full custody of them, and that he could provide for them a lot better than me, more money, bigger house, secure income etc. He also said he would try to prove me an unfit mother by portraying me as depressed and anxious etc  I would like to see anyone who went through this whole thing i went through who isn't anxious or depressed!! Well stupidly i thought he'd have a case so gave in, and did week and week about with the kids. If anyone is reading this and thinking by now i'm an idiot that can't stand up for myself, ok maybe so at the time, but you have to undersand how manipulative people like this can run you into the ground until your not sure about even the ground you walk on anymore. I am in a rural place, and i tried to access some help, i went to the Army Welfare Service who told me to come back in  weeks for an appointment - which was three weeks too late for me.

The only way out of the situation is to move. But obviously that incurrs costs that i didn't have. I am still waiting for the divorce settlement money he owes me to come through two years on. I have felt trapped for a long time in a situation i think is harmful for both my well being and that of the kids. They don't have any stability, they never know if they're coming or going and don't even know where their home is. My eldest is 12 and hates the situation too, my youngest two are swayed slightly by all the WII's and treats and holidays that go on round at dads, and I'm more like the poor relation!

I have no family  or friends here, i am completely on my own, so when ever (and inevitably a fair amount of the time) my ex goes on tour or away on courses or exercises i am left with the children on my own with no support. He is due away agin in october for 6 months.

I have recently began to feel a bit stronger, and i have looked into moving towards my family in lincolshire, where i would have support with the children and for me too. It is an hour and a half from where i am now, so not a distance that would be a sow stopper from him ever seeing the kids, but too far for this arrangement to work any longer. I have always said i would never stop him seeing them, and was happy for him to have them every weekend if he wished, however this would mess his social life up no doubt, but the offer will always stand.

So currently i am trying to find work in the lincolshire area near my family, and have my mind set on moving in the school hols. I do not want to waste yet another year of my life suspended here until i'm released because he gets posted somewhere else. My children are growing up fast and i feel like their childhood is mared by the "sharing" that goes on, and that they need a stable home, and a place they know where their family is and some roots. I don't want them to think this is a normal family set up, and let it shape their relationships in the future also. I'm sure for some people who also share their kids custody it workds for them, but i think you have to agree to it, not be forced into it, and not have one parent drop the arrangment every few months cos they go away with work, and you have to be happy in the place you live, with family and friends around for both of you.

So LittleAngel, your not alone, even when your think you are, and if you need a shoulder to cry on, i have every sympathy for you x

Hi there

I came across this brilliant woman Clare Murphy who lives in New Zealand, but has an excellent website encompassing all areas of Domestic Violence, have a read of Language Women Should Use In Family Court.

Although she doesn't give you an A-Z of what to say, she does give you some insight as to how to change YOUR thinking about the despair or depression that you may have been feeling.

This may help when going to Court and explaining the reasons behind why you are not happy with contact and how you have protected your child in the past.

Another group you might be interested in joining (this one is UK based) is on Facebook. Look up Stop Women being forced to give abusive men access to children

Dear littleangel, I completely agree with you. If you stayed with him, then your daughter would have been taken away, however judges often try and ensure that a child sees their absent parent, regardless of violence of abuse that they may be witness to, so rule contact orders. It is ridiculous.

I understand your frustration when you have written everything down and now you think it won't be of any use. DO NOT throw it away. It may still come in handy and it also means that if ANYthing untoward happens in the future, you can document it, you are still building a case.You may not be able to provide this as evidence, but it will keep it all straight in your head and you can refer to it in court.

Will you be using this solicitor?