Thank you sparkling for sharing some of your story here, I am sure that Mando will be interested to read about your journey over the last few years.
Oh sparkling, I'd be your friend if you lived nearer to me...hugs for you xxxx
And a warm welcome to all the new people here too...xx
Louise. Yes I am on full rate dla and low rate carer, but i will need this looked at again as sadly my health is very poor and I cant do hardly anything like i use too. I have no help from outside so I never get out to meet people or have a life, as I don't even drive. Thanks for the supportive words.
Thank you for reading my words and I hope you to have a great 2012 also :)
Hello mando
If you do reassess your care needs and they are confirmed as being greater, enquire whether there is the facility to have someone coming in to help out.
Are your girls involved with Young Carers?
This comment has been moved here.
Hi Scouts can be good and especially when you get involved with the adult support section, not so much in my district but many do training and socialising events, if not try looking at you County web site, you will definately find something going on there...
Good luck and .....keep the faith..
YiS
denray3
Richard I think I got off lightly, mine is very simular but without the actual violence but with a lot of psycological warfare thrown in instead. It is strange thet when you are in a relationship like this all you can think of is a way out that will be least damage but what if...... I have lived the what if's for too many years and made a stand last year. The warfare just got different but so much better than living with alcoholism. I do hope you are well as your posting was a while ago. I just joined so much to do and learn, so many loop holes and officialdome to conquer, I wonder if the law is equal I realise women got a rough ride for far too long but I feel that tables have turned....
Hail to a fellow dad...
Hi denray3
Welcome to One Space! Well done for getting out of a difficult relationship, alcoholism is such a difficult thing to live with. Do you have your child/ren with you now? Hopefully see you around on other threads.
Yes I have my son with me he is 16 now, he is my reason for existing on this paying field. I stuck it out this long to make sure she had no hold on him and he was in a place where he could make his own mind up as to who he lives with... Little did I know we could have done this years ago. Life is tough and I have so many questions as my solicitor doesn't seem to act in our best interests. His mother refuses to pay maintanance as we are living in the matrimonial home of which I own 60%, she wants to force a sale. Do you have any numbers or can stear me towards anyone as the questionaire I filled out doesn't seem to cover this for Male single parents with children living with them. I do realise there is a lot of hate towards the male gender but I feel it is unballanced.
Denray3
Oh denray3, I am so sorry to read that you feel there is a lot of hate towards the male gender, in my experience it is not hate, it is misunderstanding.
If your son is still in full time education then the absent parent is expected to pay something, you can contact our CSA expert for further information.
We also have a Legal expert where perhaps you could get a second opinion on legal issues.
We also have a Housing expert, who you could ask about your housing situation.
The questionnaire that you completed, was that our Life Check tool? I can find you numbers for organisations that can support you but can you tell me which specific areas, you are looking for.
At One Space we endeavour to support all single parents and your assistance in that would be rewarding for us.
Thank you for your kind words and assistance, I am having to take things easy as this is taking its toll on my son and I.
Thanks again
D...
I bet it is denray3, not only do you have to recover from living for years and tempering your behaviour to keep the peace, but also look out for your son too.
I hope that you do take things easy and look after yourself. If you need anything, please let us know. Also feel free to join in any other conversations. 
ta..
D
very brave;-)
Hello all,
Just read a few of your stories and wow you are all so strong and have been through some sh*t! Well done! Now for my story, please be aware I am diagnosed with extreme anxiety so if I sound like a paranoid rambling wreck, I apologise.
I met my daughters dad (G) 9 years ago, never fell in love with him was just meant to be a quick fling. 10 weeks in to our fling I noticed him tampering with his condom just before he was going to use it. The following day I went docs to be put on the pill - too late I was 8 weeks pregnant!
All hell now breaks loose - he insists I WILL move in with him as I am carrying HIS child. Violence becomes common place. Isolated from all friends. Possessive beyond belief (I still struggle to remember its not "normal" to go to the toilet with the door open). Weight Plummets to 7st.
After 3 years of hell i escaped back to my mums with my then 2 year old daughter. His campaign of harrassment begins. I continued (unsure why) to take my daughter to see him most weeks but he was more interested in me. If I ever tried to drop her off and go shopping he would just hand her back as he would only see her if I stayed.
A year and half after I left him I met someone else and G freaked out. Threats, stalking etc so I ceased contact and moved to an address where he couldnt find me. He subsequently went to prison (not related to me - he has a long history of DV, drugs, assault etc). Things were calm for 3 years until my mum received a letter in 2010 from his solicitor requesting contact (he didnt know my address). After some legal persuasion I agreed to supervised contact in a contact centre. Big mistake. My daughter was scared of him because he is so erratic. He pestered her to find out what I was up to. He banned her from mentioning my partners name (i have never lived with partner but he been in her life for 5 years so massively confusing for her).
Eventually when it was time for our annual holiday (me, partner and daughter) G went insane again. More threats and abuse, failed to turn up for two consecutive Contact sessions so I ceased contact in early 2011.
Present day, well G has furthered his campaign to ruin my life by making an application to the court for shared access. It wouldnt be so bad but he has done it deliberately as he knows I dont qualify for legal aid due to my income as a full time student. He has also decided to make a whole issue out of my mental state (depression and anxiety) in order to "prove" I am incapable of being a good mother. God knows how but I am going to have to represent myself in court and somehow try to express that I am not that badly anxious (although just the court building makes me hyperventilate and thats before I am forced in to a room with HIM).
Total nightmare but as my baby is my life I will get through it - somehow.
Sorry for long story guys.
Dear littleangel, thank you for sharing your story.
You have endured years of harrassment and that can be exhausting. So that we can support you through this next stage of him going to court for shared access, I have copied your last paragraph and started a new thread in Relationships and You, so that we can keep talking.
To find it go to Estranged ex is applying for shared access.
Look forward to talking with you more there.
hi i'm debbie
i have 2 children that i have never recieved any help for from their dads.
i have contacted the csa many times and never hear anything back.both my ex partners are self employed,telling the csa they live on minimum wage while they are living the life of riley with new families of their own.both my children see their dads and always remark that their half siblings are treat better than them. i'm at my wits end trying to give them all i can while their dads laugh in my face. i just don't know what or where to go next to try get some financial help from them .
a miserable introdution of my self i know but this is my story and i hope i can find some help from this site
debbie
For Little Angel...
How terrible for you.... I personally would not defend myself in court... suffering from anxiety myself it is not as you will know a good place to be especially in there...
I have been to court on many occasions both sides of the fence.... get someone to represent you..
Good luck and hang in there we are not all AMAB's (all men are b's )
Hi debsimlfc
Welcome to One Space. I am sorry to hear of your experiences with the CSA, I recommend that you email our resident CSA Expert (click) who may be able to give you some suggestions as to the way forward,
Do have a look around the site and see where else you would like to join in too!
Little angel,
Thank you for sharing your story and I will go over and have a read on the Relationships thread that Anna has started and will chat to you more on there
Hi debsimlfc
Welcome to One space from me too Look forward to hearing more about you and your family.
Do you have two boy's or girls or one of each?
hi im new on here really enjoyed reading everyones experiances x
im hopeing to find advise and support from this forum as im in termoil over wanting to end a very sad and lonely marriage .
here
goes heres my story ,
I am 39 years old and have 2 chlldren 1 is 20 years old the othere is 10 years old both by the same father ive been with him since i was 16 years old .
myself and my husband to be honest in all the years ive been with him have never really communicated properly i seem to just be there for his convienence and its taken me all this time to realise this apart from working his own pub my husband does nothing to support me in any way concerning sorting bills out house work or making even a coffee in fact i cant remember the last time he did that .
i work part time but also do alot of over time with my job and also keep house look after my youngest son the eldest really fends for himself .
my husband recently took on a pub which was taken on wthout a disscusion about anything i dont even know what rent he pays on the place ,ok im pleased hes still in work but his judgement in the past has caused us both to have to declare bankruptcy and give our home up we had for 20 years ,he stupidly acted as a guarantor for someone and they didnt pay there bill so we where landed with a 60,000 charge on our house nice eh !
id just put the bloomin house up for sale too and had to ring and tell the estate agents to take the boards down ,any way next step was sending the keys back to the mortgage company and finding some where to live as normal that was left to me to sort my brother luckily had a bungalow that was free so we where lucky.
on the day of moving out of our house my husband decided that he couldnt help as he had no staff available to work i had to move a 3 bedroomed house with the help of 2 removal men all by myself with the fear that either a bailiff or someone was going to turn up about the house my stomach was in knots infact inbetween helping the men take stuff i was being sick just out of fear and yet stupidly in the back of my mind i thought this was all my fault .
my husband is definatly with me out of habbit but im going to end up having a nervous breakdown if i stay with him hes nasty snaps at me and my eldest son all the time i feel like hes dragged me down and made me live in this little cardboard box thats convienent to him .
i think to be honest we have grown apart he has his life and i have mine the only thing we have in common is sleeping in the same bed and if im really honest i hate doing that .
i know things will be hard if i ask him to leave but im prepared for it finacally and mentally i have been i this state for the last 7 years and life is too short to keep feeling this way i dont want to sit down and see if we can work things out i want a life again as i know things wouldnt change .
right rant over anyone out there feels the same or has advise for me id really appreciate it x
Hi vermyles18, welcome to One Space and thank you for sharing your story. A very difficult time for you.
First I would like to suggest you check out this brilliant resource from Money Advice Service that will give you information on all you need to know if you are considering Separation or Divorce.
Our money advisor here at Single Parent Action Network says that anyone who is absolutely certain that the relationship is over should seek legal advice as soon as possible, do you have a solicitor?
You want to end your marriage and you have felt this way for 7 years, you know all the reasons why and it seems that you have tried to make it work and stuck it out, but the crunch time has come.
Even though you are certain that this is what you want once you have started the ball rolling, you will experience all sorts of emotions, I am wondering whether you would consider seeing a counsellor to help you work through it? Face to face support for Before, During and After, perhaps over 3 months? I have found this very helpful in the past.
What problems do you see arising when you tell him its over?
Hi Anna and thanks for taking the time to reply to me x
in reply to your question about a solicitor no i have not seen any one im not at that stage yet and need advice on everything as its something i thought i suppose i would never have to go through.
im so apprehensive about taking the first steps to changing my life theres absolutly no way i want to see how things go or to see if time makes things better as i say its been 7 long years .
in the recent months of him taking over the business im seeing less and less of him and yes ive had time to think and reflect on alls whats good and whats bad in our relationship and quite frankly we dont have one .
we both seem to shut off when we see each other and im sure in time its going to have an impact on the way my sons treat women and i dont want them to think how we are is the norm in any relationship .
I suppose ive stayed in the relationship because ive been with him since i was 16years old and im scared of being alone but to be honest im the one that that takes on everything concerning our home life and havent had any support from my husband in any way we just seem to be T and C who have been together for ages and nothing will change .
im scared of being alone and copeing but i know it will be hard ive gone through everything that could possibly happen in my head and to be honest nothing can be worse than the last 3 years of our relationship and worrying about money and trying to keep our heads above water .
my husband when he applied for his bankruptcy left me to fill in his forms and do all the running around concerning moving ive had to cope with all this work and looking after the kids and trying to make ends meet so that we have food on the table and yes i did it but theres been times when ive really wanted to give up and say ive had enough but if i did that id be letting myself down and my kids and for them i know i wont do that .
i respect my husband is under alot of pressure to make this new bussiness work but in my eyes hes focusing his all into that and we are being thought of last i did start off helping him in the pub cleaning serving behind the bar which is one job i said i would never do but for him i did it but ive had to stop as he was talking to me like i was crap in front of customers and making me feel like a child so i had to tell him to stick his pub where the sun dont shine .
ive been on antidepresents for about 2 years my husband doesnt even know or ask me what my medication is for if that was me id be saying are you ok whats that for ?????
so that goes to prove hes not bothered my goodness my heads in turmoil and im unhappy life is so bloomin hard !
by the way had to change my name from vernmyles18 as i couldnt get on again so now im trem39 x
Hi TREM39, I wondered where you came in!
Did you have a look at the link I gave you above?
I know that you say that you KNOW that this relationship is over, but I am wondering if you wanted to explore it further, you could have a look at Coupleconnection, this link goes to their quiz page to help you figure out where you are.
Is it worth having one more conversation where you say that you are not happy and why and that if you still feel the same way in 3 months time, you are going to separate?
If you are ready to get this ball rolling it is important that you know where you will stand legally and financially.
Tell him that you need to have a discussion with him, with a few hours notice.
Don't point the finger. This is about your needs and wants, not his inadequacies.
Do you ever get any time to yourselves?
hi anna ,
yes we do get some time inbetween him getting ready to go back down to the pub to work or to go out to play pool or darts his excuse is the punters need him to play and when they play at home he gets a good crowd in that helps the pub tick over so he has to do it but im sure he could have the occasional tues or thurs off but chooses not too so im afraid the only time i would get to speak to him would be on the occasion that he either comes home early or does have a night at
home but thats very rare .
i think what you have said is good advise about me telling him and having a chat so i will do as soon as i know hes gong to be at home for a couple of hours ,you never know he may feel the same way as i do .
3 months may be too long but i will talk to him for sure im sick of feeling like this but first things first im going to have to see what i can expect to recieve benifit wise as thats a very scary prospect .
so ill take baby steps for now and try to get my head around finances and all that stuff ,all i can say is thank god i have a good friend to talk to .... my mum she agrees with the fact hes treated me awful for the last god knows how many years and i cant go on like this .
i will take a look at the web site you put on also so thanks for that .....this web site is so good its fantastic having some support and knowing your not the only one going through rough times .
Hi Trem39
I think it does take a while to build up the courage to leave. It took about 5 years for me to get there - my lot were 5, 8, 10 and 12 when I did. I've never looked back and never regretted it.
I also think it was possibly one of the happiest days of my ex's life when we went too... The divorce came through on our 20th wedding anniversary
It's not easy starting of that conversation, but once it is said, somehow it is such a relief...
hi sparklinglime ,
thanks for replying to my message how did you go about telling your ex things where not right between you both .
how did you get your head round it all id love to hear your advise please and your story x
Hi, new on here and am amazed at some of the stories, feel like i shouldnt really be posting as i feel guilty for feeling so bad after reading these.
I have been married for 21yrs this year with a son at uni and a 15yr old daughter who splits her time 50/50 .
After little warning earlier on this year (Feb 9th) my wife announced that our marriage was over and moved out two weeks later, my world seems as though it has caved in and on some days it has been hard to pick myself up, i seem to want answers but there are none. The great days are when i have my daughter and low when i am on my own.
We are still talking at the moment and i have never felt any anger towards her, just hoping time passes and things improve but still hoping she might change her mind (deep down i don't think she will) but i have to try.
Have just come on for support after reading the stories and make a few new friends.
Hi dexter, welcome to One Space, the early days are the hardest and unfortunately there are no answers, we just have to learn to live with the facts. You need to be honest with yourself. Your ex is not coming back (and you recognise that), the sooner you believe it, the sooner you can move on.
It is good if you can keep the relationship with your ex amicable for your daughters sake, however it is also important for you to feel all the emotions that you should.
You must feel some anger towards her and the situation, you have shared 21 years together and there was no warning. You do not need to show her this anger, but you must recognise it for your own healing to start.
I look forward to talking to you more where you have posted on the Introduce Yourself thread and reading other people's stories here.
Hmmm - where to start?? I'll try to keep it simple.. I'm 38 and am on my own with 5 kids, aged from 17 down to 9. 2 of my kids are disabled, they have Aspbergers Syndrome (autism) and related behavioural and social problems - it's my eldest son (17) and youngest daughter (12) who have it. The older 4 have the same father, we were together for 10 years, not married. I lived 325 miles away from my home town, no family contact apart from odd letter or annual dictat about how I'd ruined my life. I went to nightschool after my first was born, and 10 and a half months later I sat my A Level days before my second arrived. I was also working part time as their father never has. I was invited to do my degree via a university/college partnership and graduated in 1998, with a 2:1 Bsc, 3 part time jobs and another child who'd been born the year before. I was diagnosed with fybromyalgia and arthritis aged 28 and told to lose weight as I was 'fat and knock kneed' - I was also expecting baby number 4 so diet had to wait! Was working in a pub and running a hotel at weekends by then, as well as youth work and job in a shop. Eventually I lost 10 and a half stone, got a good full time job and then, having gained some self-confidence, told their dad the relationship was over. I was sick of doing everything and him doing nothing, not even housework while I was working all week. When I got him his house (paid deposit) I had to give up my career, as you can't get 24/7 childcare, and my job required me to attend sites on call 7 days a week, and their dad wouldn't have them for me.
I met a guy who was very attractive later that year and fell pregnant with our son - who is currently being assessed for ADD inattentive - and he refused to see me or our son until the boy was 5. I spent those 5 years with a very controlling and abusive partner, he got me to move away from where I'd lived for 10 yrs, got me to work for his company, and I never saw another soul but him or my kids or their doctors for 99% of the time. I've suffered depression since I was 19, but by the end of this relationship I had a total breakdown, I had no self-confidence, was paranoid, anorexic, had OCD develop, you name it.. I had 8 weeks Cogntive Analytical Therapy, during this period he let himself into my house one night and tried to get me sectioned by paramedics and police. As it was, they said I was doing fine so he went off on one of his furious outbursts and he ended up being arrested for threatened assault on me. The police watched my house from that point until I uprooted myself and all kids to move back to the area that I came from. I thought my family may help out or support, but that never happened. We're still invisible 5 years on. I've had relationships with 2 men during these last few years, one turned into a stalker and sexually assaulted me, the other took me for a ride and has lived with me rent free for 2 years, he has no income so I've supported him financially and also made it possible for him to have his daughter for holiday and weekends (we split up 2 months ago, I'm still in touch with his daughter and her Mum, I wouldn't just disappear out of a 5 year olds life)
Health wise apart from fybromyalgia and arthritis I also fractured 3 vertebrae in my back some years ago and am in constant pain, I also still have mental health issues, my therapist identified my main problem as 'low self esteem and lack of worth'.. I don't need a therapist to tell me that!!
I started my own business last year to avoid being on the sick with a Tory government, it's not in profit and as I'm working alone I'm still isolated. I have no friends up here, and have a telephone phobia so can't call my friends who live so so far away. I have no interests in life any more, mainly because I always have to drop everything for the kids, the autistic ones are very demanding, (and the ADD one), the other 2 resent the disabled kids for their behaviour and hate each others guts which isn't ideal when they have to share a bedroom. It's no wonder I can't make a relationship work with all that going on.
We're moving house again next week to somewhere bigger so they can have their own rooms again, and I'm hoping beyond hope that this will stop all the chaos. I came off my medication a few months ago for depression etc, I've been on them over 15 years and they don't make a difference to me - my problems are real and tangible, not chemical imbalances in my brain. I'm having a bad day today - lots of messages from school about behaviour problems, trying to sort house, trying to find work for the business and yet, the people who staff reception for my office think I'm really funny, a ray of sunshine, always smiling.. if they only knew, but it's unprofessional to start crying your eyes out over your receptionist.
Despite everything, I'm a really positive person, and many would have thrown in the towel by now, but I have fought tooth and nail to keep my kids with me, and always will. Their fathers don't pay me a penny in maintenance, or have them to stay, so I never get a break from them, which is so stressful. I'm hoping if things calm down at home that maybe I'll be able to find some sort of life outside of the home or office, but for now, the only people I get to talk to are 'virtual'. So yup, that's me, mental and physical wreck who smiles a lot and does everything for everyone else to keep them happy. Oh yes - also the one who got nothing on Mothers Day, not even a home made card - or even the words spoken - so that's why I'm feeling a little hurt at the moment I think..
L x
Hello TheBigF
Thanks for sharing your story. You're right, many would have thrown in the towel by now and it is testament to your strength that you haven't.
Your day to day life sounds very hectic, with no time whatsoever for yourself. You're moving house: is that within the same area? I do think having their own rooms will ease the pressure but it is certainly not a magic wand. Do you get any support with caring for your children in terms of respite care, or in terms of emotional support from other parents with children on the autistic spectrum?
Very hurtful re Mother's day, if there is no other adult in our children's lives then they don't always organise these things themselves.
We are certainly here to give you some emotional support, and you don't have to pretend to be a happy bunny either! Can you manage ten minutes to sit down tonight when not all the children will be in bed but at least things may have settled down a bit?
Hello TheBigF and welcome to One Space after reading your story i would say that your an inspiration for others, it is not easy bringing up children at the best of times, but isolation and abusive relationships and ill health can all make this an even harder slog.
Through all this you have still managed to educate yourself and set up your own business, and kept on going you should be patting yourself on the back. As you probably know being a mother can sometimes be a thankless job, also your children are at that age were they can be quite self obsorbed, i reminded my son (15 years old) three time that mothers day was coming, on Saturday he got up early and said he was going to town before football, i thought that he was going to get a card, no such luck he came back with something for himself and on Mothers day i got zelch from him.
Louise has already asked if you get any support for the children, do you do anything just for you?
Hi Guys
Thanks for your comments, I'm offline more than usual right now due to being between 2 houses that both need paint! The joys of renting, huh?
I did go through the CAF process for the kids, they made ME my keyworker as I knew more about it than them - you couldn't make it up, could you? I got a direct payment for a few hours break, but the paperwork and responsibility of being an employer is an added strain, especially when sorting payroll, I'm just too disorganised to keep it on time every month. The payments end this month as although we are only moving to a closeby town, it's a new council, so we have to transfer to new social services/connexions - to be fair, I don't have the energy to go through the whole process again, it's not worth it for a few hours a week. I need a break from all 5 of them, for a week, but that's as likely to happen as me winning the lottery and the Euromillions in one week!!
I don't know anybody in the new town we're off to, but the house is really big and will take a lot of work to make it half decent, so that'll keep me occupied for some time to come. I'll be painting for the foreseeable future, let's put it that way.
As for 'me' time, no, is the answer. As I said, I've got no interests anymore (I used to do theatre and other stuff), haven't for years and even if I did, I have no-one to do things with and can't guarantee that the house will be calm enough for me to leave. It's not simple when your eldest isn't capable of looking after themselves, if he was a normal 17 year old he'd be capable of watching the younger ones, but that isn't the case. It's not his fault, but it's frustrating, to be honest. I'm socially awkward nowadays, I developed OCD after my last major relationship, and can't cope with groups of people, one of my worst nightmares would be to attend a group thing where I don't know anyone, whether it's a social event or not.
It's a bit catch 22, I'm desperately lonely but have become so isolated it's nigh on impossible to form anything but casual acquaintance with people. I couldn't invite people over to this house even if I knew anyone, as the kids won't give me any privacy and the house is disgusting. Hopefully new house won't end up like this. Even when kids were little I was working and never did the mothers and toddlers stuff more than once, as I said, I find groups of people very hard, I'm much better at 1 to 1 situations, where I can leave if need be.
I used to try to spend time painting and drawing to have 'me' time, but the kids hijack that, they don't understand that I want to do things myself without them trying to join in. It's not that I don't want to do things with them, but I spend most of my life doing things for everyone else, and some things I want to do without having to cater to them. For example, 2 years ago I treated myself to a set of drawing inks, sat down at 8.30pm to do some sketching, cue eldest daughter and middle child hijack - within 5 minutes of me starting they'd grabbed paper and brushes and started using my inks, which I'd saved hard for. Then they started arguing over my inks and my brushes (they don't get on). I asked them to stop, they ignored me and continued. By 9pm I'd had enough and asked them to go to bed or go and do something else, middle daughter burst into tears and said words to the effect that I didn't want her around and that I didn't love her because she couldn't use my stuff, elder daughter simply blew up, threw my stuff at me and decided to have another argument with her sister :(
I do lots of things with them all, but by 8.30 - 9pm I want them to leave me alone, but the older they get, the later they stay up and the less respect for my privacy (or total lack of it) they have. I manage to get to the pub about once a month, alone, which is OK but a bit difficult to play pool against yourself! As I said, my adult conversations mainly happen online now. My best (well, only) friend lives over 300 miles away and isn't online a lot, as they live on a houseboat nowadays.
I suppose if I did interest groups or faith or whatever then I may have met new friends through shared interests or values - I don't have either. I just seem to spend life servicing everybodys elses needs, my GP up here always says 'I really don't know how you cope' - nice sentiment, but not really of much use. Apart from throwing pills at me (which I've stopped taking, they were stopping me from being creative, which is no good when you are creative for a living) he's not helped at all. I did want to get more analytical therapy, but in this area CPN's have to 'bid' to get services for their clients and because I hold it all together too well, I'm not a bad enough case to get the therapy. If I don't appear to be holding it together then I'll have social services nosying about and I don't want my kids taken off me, at all. It's a no win situation.
I've got to take my youngest to see kids psych services today for the ADD query - it's just endless. I didn't even know they worked weekends, to be honest..
Then it'll be more packing and painting, plus I haven't finished my monthly work quotas so I'll need to go to the office late today or tomorrow to catch up, or I'll have let clients down. I kind of thought that by the time the kids were this age I'd have a little more freedom and flexibility, but apparently that's not the case. The pressure has to stop sometime because there's only so much someone can take, but so far I've contained it. I feel angry at times that I've been left to handle all of this alone while the other parent/s have no responsibilities at all, and won't help me out. That sucks to say the least.
x
Yes it does, to be the one left doing everything!
I totally understand that time is more precious than money but why don't you see idf you can get some child support money? We have a dedicated expert on our boards who will advise you on your case, you can email her here
I am guessing that when the children are at school you are busy getting on with your work? And also that you are reluctant to ask for respite care in case "they" think you can't cope?
Hi TheBigF, welcome from me
You sound like an amazing woman, I am wondering if you have visited the ADDISS site, they have a number on the Local Support page which you can ring and see if there are any groups for parents whose children have ADD, ADHD, Aspergers in your local area.
Hi!
Well, this is me.I am a single mum of 2 children, my7 son is 10 and my daughter is 7. I thought that we were a happy family until December 2010 when I found nearly 2000 texts on my then husbands phone from his 'lover'. A lot were pictures and sick nausiating comments. I text her back and thought that I'd split them up. The upshot of it all is that he went back to her 3 times before I called time on our marriage. He expected me to roll over and accept his realtionship and continue with our marriage as he considered that I was too weak a person to survive without him. Big mistake! That just made me more determined to do it.
His tart has tried harrassing me by text several times and I reported it to the police. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive and bullying towards myself and the kids. He shows nothing but contempt to me and my family. He has threatened my parents with violence on more than 1 occation and then says that I am being unreasonable and harming our kids emotionally. I am now on antidepressants as a way of coping with everything. I'm also off work and will be going back on a part time basis until I can resolve the divorce issues. My children are trying their best to cope. But my youngest has very physical outbursts of anger that can go on for hours. I have had to physically restrain her to stop her hurting herself and me on a number of occations.
I'm and the end of my tether about how to cope with both of their anger. My daughter gets very confused and frightened by her own anger as she doesn't understand why she gets that way. How do I explain things like this to a 7 year old? I'm always careful to be positive about their Dad in front of them, but he isn't the same about me. This gives them very mixed messages which I don't know how to resolve. I cannot talk to my ex as he cannot bring himself to talk to me as I make him furious apparently?! I could use any advice of any sort right now from anyone who has been there Please? Thanks for the space to vent.
Hello Carolyn
Welcome to One Space. There is lots of friendly support here, as I hope you can see.
I am sorry to hear about what you have been through. Your little girl is experiencing these outbursts of anger because of the conflict, I am sure you already know that! In one sense it is a more grwn up version of a toddler tantrum, remember when your children had the terrible twos and that is motivated by testing boundaries and expressing frustration and she is now doing the same again.
Strong emotions have to go somewhere, and maybe when she is calm you can explain it to her with the help of a bottle of fizzy drink. Tell her that all the feelings she has are like the bubbles in the drink and then ask her what would happen if you shook the bottle very hard then took the lid off. The explosion is the same as her anger outbursts. What she needs to learn as she grows older is a way for there to be less bubbles. if you take the lid off the bottle very slowly then the bubbles escape safely. So you can look at other ways she can let her "bubbles" out too!
Find her a safe place in the house or garden, to throw/punch soft objects such as cushions, bat balloons and make a noise. let her do this regularly to let off steam, don't wait till she is cross. Also think about things she can do such as sports, gym, anything physical. All this will help. Tell her that the way that dad gets cross is not good and you want to help her cope with her feelings in a different way. Poor little poppet and poor you, having to deal with it all.
I don't want to overwhelm you at this stage, just give what I have suggested a try and keep posting and we will keep supporting you through any different issues as you go along.
In my case it was escaping Domestic Violence and getting my kids away from the person who was physically abusing them. Initially Social Services moved my ex out (by contacting the housing association & getting them to provide him with a place but it had to be near by) but Social Services insisted he had free access to the kids and he was required to babysit one of the twins (then aged 2) once a week even though he was physically abusing them. I had to get them fully away to get them safe. Even then CAFCASS tried to give my ex unsupervised access to all 3 and finally, after monitoring access at a Contact Centre for a while, when the Court said contact centres are only allowed to be a temporary solution to the problem of access they were going for unsupervised access to just the oldest (until my dad offered his place for contact and for him to supervise it) and no access at all for the twins (their dad ignored them even in front of the CAFCASS man). He had been required to go on an anger management course but he hadn't completed it but that didn't seem to matter to the court.
Hello AspieMum
Welcome to One Space and it sounds as if you can hardly believe what happened to you. Contact Centres are indeed only a temporary measure and although I would generally say it is good for children to have a relationship with both parents, not where abuse is concerned and very, very frustrating for you to feel that no-one was listening.
Are you away from everything now? Have a look at our free, online course The Freedom Programme, which will help you work through the abuse you have suffered and look at moving forward.
How are your children now?
Hello TheBigF, how are you this week? Anna suggested ringing some support groups and i was wondering if you had received any support or information about your childrens aspergers and any techniques that would help with any behavioural issues? There is support available and no one would be judging you for asking for help as we all need it from time to time.
What boundaries do you have in place at home? I have four children and three of them are teens, as they have got older i have had to have regular family meetings with them about respecting each other and respecting each others space and boundaries, especially mine, as like you i felt i had very little time to myself and would be relieved to go to work for some peace and quiet.
What happens at these meetings is i get them to think of what rules they feel we need in the house i also add my own rules and then i get them to think about what the consequences of them breaking the rules are, we then vote for the top five. Write them up and sign them.
I am not saying that this has totally stopped their behaviour but it does work as they know there are consequences and what will happen. My rule is that after 8.30pm, my bedroom is of limits unless they are unwell!!
Good luck with all that painting!! Have you struck up any friendships with your employees?
Hi Carolyn and welcome from me Louise has given you a great suggestion in approaching your daughters outbursts.
I am also sorry to hear what has been happening for you. Sadly we can't make the other parent behave as we would want them to. All you can do is what is right for you and when your children are with you, reasure them that you love them and that what has happened is not their fault.
Another technique that i have found helpful is to use the "I wonder words", so when your daughter has calmed down ask "I wonder what has made you so upset?" or "I wonder what you could do next time you feel like this?" The I wonder words are great at getting children to recognise their feelings and emotions and making them think about the consequences of their actions and getting them to think about what they can do to manage their anger and how they can problem solve in future.
You can also say how her outbursts effect you, so "when you are doing x i get concerned that you are going to hurt yourself or break something" or " i feel sad when you are doing x" this is great for building their empathy skills.
Do you have any plans for the easter break?
Hello and welcome AspieMum
This all sounds quite frustrating do you have any support from a domestic abuse service?
Thanks for the suggestions ladies. I'll be trying them all and see what works for us. Sally, we have a few plans in place for Easter as I find it best to let the children know what is going to happen if we all get our house jobs done. That way they are working towards a treat rather than having no aims at all. Planning is the best way I have found to avoid emotional outbursts from the children. This way they know that they have a stable continuation at home when they come back from access visits from their Dad, which by all accounts are unplanned and chaotic and usually involve lots of TV watching sadly.
We're having a BBQ today with my Uncle and various friends. The kids are supposed to be tidying their rooms in preparation. I do feel that I'm losing the battle on this today, so a change of tack is needed. Maybe we'll do shopping first and re-try their rooms later I think. This'll stop me from losing my wrag and shouting I think. I'm trying so hard to be calm with them but as you know children can be very frustrating. Are you planning anything exciting over Easter?
Hi TheBigF
I hope that your packing has been going OK. I have a lot of admiration for you to be coping so well with so much going on in your life. I was just thinking about the art side of things. Maybe if the children are interested in using your inks they may fancy trying an art project of their own? My Dad got my 2 into art by suggesting they paint a canvas each to be displayed in the lounge at home.
He bought them a small canvas each and over a few weeks they produced their own art work. The results I recieved for Christmas this year and are now on display either side of the chimney in my lounge. Possibly if you could suggest to them that they could display their works of art in the new house it would give them an aim and some competition between them to see who could produce the best one. Then maybe they could choose where in the new house they want to dispaly their works of art.
Just a thought. Hope you have a good Easter break. Are you planning anything exciting?
Good idea Carolyn
Hope your BBQ goes well. My son is working today but the shop he works at part time is finally shut on Easter Sunday so I am looking forward to some time with him then, once I can lever bim out of bed (he is 17)
Deep breaths and try to stay calm 
I like your ideas for TheBigF Carolyn, as well a hearing how well you deal with your children and their chores. Hope you enjoyed the BBQ?
I am working for the first week of the Easter Holidays, and i have the second week off, where i plan to catch up on some household repairs(not too many though i want some time to relax). The youngest wants to go see the new Pirates movie, the elder girls want to go swimming, my son has not come up with any demands yet. No doubt there will be trips to the park weather permitting!! and we will be going to visit my parents.
The CAFCASS we dealt with just went on about the rights of the father when I was talking about the safety and welfare of the children. They even wanted my ex to have unsupervised access inspite of his Caution for abusing them. After my experience with CAFCASS I was left wondering what those dad's campaigning for the right to see their kids must have done to actually get banned from seeing them if even a Police Caution for Child Abuse is not enough to ensure the access is at least supervised. CAFCASS were only interested in the father's right to see his children and not the children's wellbeing and safety.
I have become disabled - while weight has been an issue all my life I used to be so very active. For four years I was told it was stress due to all the issues with divorce until they finally sent me for an X-ray. I have very severe athritis...
I do qualify for DLA. Social Services have been wonderful as I was able to contact them once I was diagnosed (I had more help from the radiographer than my surgery), and they put grab rails in and around the house and bullt a platform for my arm chair as it was too clumpy for risers. Before Christmas I had a walk in shower fitted (absolute heaven)...
It took a while for me to start liking myself again. Me and I get on ok most of the time now.
It is very lonely when you don't have close friends or family (My Dad died 20 years ago and Mum 15 years ago and my best friend over 4 years ago...) And I do rely on this board for my company and support. It has been a true life saver.
I started to volunteer with Scouts, which made me go out every week. Although I get on well with the other adults, and really enjoy being with the young people, I haven't found a "new" best friend - and maybe I never will. Its good though, knowing that I will be with others then.
Sorry to go on so much about me here...