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Hi, Where do I start, well I have two gorgeous daughters They have had no contact,
Hi Anna, thanks for replying and taking the time to read my post, it means alot.
Hi
My lot's Dad chooses to have little involvement in their lives. And this has been easier since he moved away 18 months ago.
My daughter was 18 last month, and kept checking the post to see if there was a birthday card from him.
There wasn't. She texted him but no reply.
Hey, it's pants isn't it -
Hello starmix101
Welcome to One Space. I will be sending you a private reply through the Ask The Expert service later today, I have got a few ideas for you to think about, which I hope will help! 
I think your feelings are universal starmix101, I think that there are the lucky few parents who manage to maintain a decent relationship after a breakup, but usually it is fraught with underlying issues or it is non existent and as the resident parent, we are the ones seeing our children hurt and picking up the pieces.
You have to be strong for your girls and they are certainly learning some lessons in trust and relationships, I hope that you are all able to discuss them openly.
I hope that Louise's private response will help you move forward with this.
Do you spend much time just the 3 of you?
Thank you Louise - how does that work - is it sent via email? Can't wait to get it. Thank you so much.
. xxx
Hi starmix101, it isgreat to read that your relationship with your girls is so close, so important at their ages to have one2one time with you too.
I completely understand your worries about their dad. A colleague told me earlier this morning how her daughter was always painting her dad in a wonderful picture even though she was let down by him time and time again, even up to the age of 19. My colleague never bad mouthed her ex and let them work out their relationship themselves. Eventually at 21, her daughter came home and said, he is not there for me, he doesn't love me like you do, he basically is more interested in himself rather than me and she has rarely seen or bothered with him since! (She is now in her 30's)!
Absent parent and child have to work through it themselves, we are not responsible (at their age) for their relationship with their other parent, hard as it may seem, all we can do is support and be a shoulder for them to cry on if necessary.
So basically what I am trying to say is, you can't fix this. It is your daughters journey and although painful for you, those are the facts.
You say that you have been with your partner for 2 years, when did he move in? I am wondering why you feel that it is still early days and in what way your girls feel awkward around him?
I've been with him.
Hi starmix101
I have sent you a response on email but your query to me was not really about the girls' biological dad. Anna is right, there is very little you can do about that, hope my email will give you some food for thought about other apects of things,
Louise, I have read you email, and cannot thank you enough for it.
Hi starmix101
It's fine to send me an email reply to the mail I have sent you, I can send you a second email in reply to that but then I ask you to use the boards, that way I am available to answer everyone and also you can get the benefit of everyone's input on the boards and it can also help other people
Just read your email reply Louise, thank you so much for it, and I will try to use some of your suggestions,
Just read your email reply Louise,
,I know that....
Hi starmix101 and welcome from me , i have just been reading your thread and would have to echo what Anna and Louise have already suggested in regards to your girls dad.
It is great that you have such a great relationship with your girls as at their age there can often be tensions between parents and their children.
Now about last night it sounds like he may have wanted you to be involved in the time he is to spend with his children as your are now apart of his life, he may want you to have some kind of relationship with his children, do you have much contact with them?
I am wondering why it is that you feel like a prisoner in this situation? could this be because of how controlling your ex was? what do you think he was expecting from you? I agree his shouting at you is not great.
I just wanted to ask if you do anything just for yourself? What do you do to relax?
I know this is a lot of questions, but i am just trying to understand the situation so we can help support you.
Hi Anna,
Starmix101, have you ever thought of finding your own place for you and your girls?
I know it isn't my place to say anything, but if you have to fall into plans, get shouted at if they don't work out and feel unimportant and disrespected, I just feel its something that might need to be considered.
I've been on my own for almost 8 years with my four, and we have a lot of fun - there have been hard bits, yes, but mainly laughter.
I'm sorry if I have uspet you suggesting this.
Thank you sparkling lime -
Sometimes relationships work better when there is a bit of space...
Have you looked into working tax credits if you were to find a place? It has surprised me how "ok" we are after the shock of what went on in December and January.
When I was going to leave The Git, I was checking in the local newspapers and was able to find a lovely place for while.
I'm gald I've not upset you.
- I am drained
I've worn the rose tinted specs - was with someone for a couple of years, but we split about 5 years back roughly. I refer to him as friend who's pushing it, as he moved locally. Never lived together though...
I just find it easier "just" making decisions for me and the children. It was a relief I'll always be on my own now though, just perhaps with a tidier house when this lot leave home 
Such hard decisions though...
Hi starmix101
I am not surprised that you feel so drained, what with so much going on. I would imagine that now your girls are older you had envisioned a more sedate/relaxed lifestyle for yourself.
What is the communication usually like between you and your partner? does he listen to you? have you discussed how you feel? Time together is important so is time to yourself, aswell as individual time with your girls and to fit it all in is a real juggle when you work aswell.
What could you do this week just for yourself?
I see that in one of your posts you had said that you were considering finding somewhere for you and your daughters and sparkling has also asked, is this something that you are seriously considering?
Hey - it's so nice to log in
starmix101, what did you just say??
"I think I just have to accept that this is how life is for me - perhaps I want too much - I just thought that after all the years I have spent bringing my girls up, now they are older perhaps I could have some time for me"
Eeek, now what can I say? You need to knuckle down my girl, you are wanting too much, now get back to the ironing board and get on with it...
What do you think?
Or...TOO DARN RIGHT!! You do deserve to have some time for you. You have been on such a roller coaster over the years, all the while you have raised two lovely girls - a massive achievement! If you had wanted to be tied to a house, you would have had more children or encouraged your girls to make you a grandmother. This is YOUR time.
Your girls need you, but they are going through massive changes from adolescents to adulthood and they need to learn from you the best way forward. You are working full time and bending over backwards for everyone.
It sounds as though you are very happy with your chap and your girls are fine where you are living too. So rather than be drastic what about setting down some boundaries and see where that gets you.
1. You want an evening out with your boyfriend twice a month.
2. Your arrangements are never to be postponed due to his ex (unless extreme emergencies - hospital, death or terrorist act)
3. You will spend at least 2 hours every weekend fulfilling your own needs, whether you shall go shopping, visit a friend or surf the net in private.
4. You and your girls shall spend fortnightly quality time together.
5. EVERYONE older than 2 years old in the house shall share the chores, when they are sleeping in the house. You are not a housewife, you are a full time worker, mum & stepmum and you need a hand.
Could you hold a family meeting with your boyfriend and your girls and set some ground rules? How would that go down?
Yeah Anna, I know you are right,
GREAT post, Anna 
It really IS a case of laying down the rules, starmix101.
As for everything going on in the house, I know money doens't grow on trees but I would seriouisly consider employing someone for a couiple of hours per week. A weekly investment of £15 to get someone to do some ironing or some cleaning? When my youngest was a baby/toddler I worked for three families like this, all the mums were working mums with families and it was a godsend for them and some extra money for me!
When I was married and working nights and a day and a half I did have a cleaner. She was wonderful. She changed the bedding - didn't iron though, but then there were only The Git's shirts...
I have promised myself that once the house is nicely painted (getting there slowly) that I'll have a cleaner again.
...and I have been on the other end of it, I was working 30 hours at one stage and of course had the two boys very young as well as doing voluntary work so I paid a friend £10 a week, she did my garden and my ironing alternate weeks
. I don't know what to do
Had a
Aw Starmix, how awful. You must get down to the housing office immediately and see about getting rehoused.
I know it will be hard but at least now you can go back to focussing on you and your girls it clearly wasnt meant to be.
I wish you well hun x
Hi starmix101
Please phone the Shelter Helpline on 0808 800 4444 as well as going to your local Housing office.
You also need to find someone to look after the dog, at least temporarily, as you have enough on your plate with you and your girls. Can the girls stay with a friend at all?
If you cannot find anyone to care for the dog, phone the RSPCA for advice on 0300 1234 555
starmix101, what a shock for you, where are you now? Do you have friends locally that you can stay for tonight?
As scary as this is, today is the first day of the rest of your life and you are starting from the bottom up. You deserve more than this and you do recognise it, but from today you have to start believing it.
When you get a chance, please let us know where you are and how you are. Be kind to yourself, thinking of you, big hugs.
My thoughts are very much with you.
Thought I would come back
Hello starmix101
You just have to live from day to day at the moment while things get sorted out. The girls will naturally cling to the security of something they know. Do what is best FOR YOU. They are not little anymore and they will adapt. They will enjoy having a mum who is happier and who is not so emotionally exhausted with looking after everyone else's needs. I am not telling you whether to stay in a relationhsip with you partner or not but all I do know is that you cannot continue to live like this, so do grasp the nettle.
We are always here for you to talk to and don't forget the Samaritans at any time of day or night, on 08457 909090. Once I just rang them and sat and cried. They were absoutely fine with that.......
I . I feel really sad thinking of you calling the samaritians and crying, life is so tough sometimes.
I know you are right Louise,
Hi starmix101, have you contacted Shelter? You can get email advice from them here from our Experts or for a more instant answer call them and find out what your options are on 0808 800 4444, there is an emergency housing rights checker you can have a look at too.
I agree with Louise, you can't continue to live like this, if you know that it isn't right. When you said that you slept in the car, was that all 3 of you? Is so, it is no wonder that the girls want you to get back with your chap.
Please contact Shelter and get back to us, we will see you through this
How are you today, starmix 101?
Hi, thank you for asking
sending you a hug but I would recommend going to see the doctor too - crying is a good release but don't be afraid to ask for help
Hello starmix101,
Sorry to hear you have been so down, never never be ahsamed to come on here, we are here to talk to, and all of us have had really low times in our lives so we do understand.
It feels to you at the moment as if everything is it its lowest ebb. Do you know what? That means that it is now time for things to start to improve.
First step: email our Child Support expert, and get some advice about whether you can get some money for your girls. if you are indeed going to live independently then you need to maximise your income. You can also email our Money Expert when you are ready, although you may wish to wait until you know what' what first?
Loads of hugs.
Thank you Sparkling lime -
Hi starmix101 what is stopping you from saying the words? if your situation is to improve you are going to need to say it to someone, otherwise nothing will get resolved.
Have you thought about going to speak with your doctor as lrh suggested? it sounds like you have been carrying alot of emotional stuff around for quite a while have you ever thought about some counselling? Where are you staying?
I hope you have a better weekend this week? can you plan to do something good for yourself?
sending you a hug - you don't need to avoid coming on the boards because you haven't managed to follow the advice - you are human
- keep posting.
You say you were trying to sort something out for your daughter's birthday - you say he was negative - is this the guy you now live with.
Do you know you really should ask for what you want and if the person you are with can't give you that then you have to take a look at your life.
Don't give up on being happy and take second best - I am sure you do love him but at what cost - sounds like he has more time on his hands because of the shift work so he should be taking his share of things - if he is doing runs when he has the kids get him to take both of them so you are free to do what you want. Try and squeeze in things for all four of you to do even if its only an hour a week - you may be making excuses that it is impossible as you feel awkward for asking but if you are all living together you have to make time for the four of you to be together too.
Sorry didn't really mean to give you advice - just a hug - can't help myself sometimes
thank you everyone, deleted my posts as it would be totally obv to anyone reading this who knows me that its me. :-(
thank you everyone, deleted my posts as it would be totally obv to anyone reading this who knows me that its me. :-(
Hi starmix101 welcome to One Space, I hear your pain. It sounds as though you are surrounded by adult males who seem to have a lot of love for everyone else but your girls. There is very little you can do in regards with their biological dad, other than support your girls. He has made his decisions and thats that and I think that they are old enough for you to share your disappointment in his actions, without bad mouthing him.
You are currently living with a man who has 4 children and he is a great dad to them. Have you spoken with him about how you feel? Would it be possible for them to spend some quality time together. Does he want to be part of their lives?
If he is living with you, you should expect him to be a huge part of their lives, I know they are getting older, but if they are having to share you, they should get some benefit out of this too. How long have you been together?