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Hello I am new to this and would really appreciate some advice as I am starting to feel very stressed.
My name is Rona and i live in Glasgow. I have been divorced for 4 years and have 2 children, a girl of 11 and boy of 8. My husband left me for another woman and overnight became a school holiday Dad. He moved 40 miles away and has very little contact with his children and zero parental responsibilies other than the times he sees the children. We had a very messy divorce and I was left with lot of financial debt and because i wanted to keep the children in the family home, a massive mortgage as i had to give him 50% of the value. i work full time and my employers were wonderful in allowing me to work some days from home to ease the childcare problems I had. I have VERY supportive parents who live near me and go beyond the call of deputy to make sure the 3 of us are fine both financially and with their love and time. A year after my ex husband left, my 13 year old niece died very suddenly. she was my sister's daughter and was so close to myself and my children and I loved her like my own. Unfortuantely, my children and I arrived just as the ambulance arrived to take her away to hospital and the children heard and saw what must of been a terrifying sight. My son took the break up and his cousins death badly (he was very close to both) and I have overcompensated for his grief by not being consistent in my disipline with him and now feel i have a very angry and spiteful little man who does not respect me. I met a lovely man 6 months after I split from my ex and we have been together for 3 1/2 years. He has a 9 year old daughter who stays with him every saturday and sunday and wednesday night and he takes his responsibilites as a Father VERY seriously. My partner and I do not live together and had agreed from the beginning that our children come first. We do not spent alot of time 'as a unit' together and when we do (mainly 2 weeks in the summer and the odd weekend) my son is really disrespectful to my partner and spiteful to his daughter. We have just spent a week together on holiday and my partner's ex wife phoned him this week to tell him that his daughter no longer wants to come to my house when my son is there as he was not nice to her and telling her that he hated her and her dad and was tying to kick her. This happened when neither of us were about as they shared a bedroom. As you can imagine i am appalled at his behaviour and my partner angry especially as his daughter didnt want to tell him cause he is in love with me. I see very little of my partner due to our parental responsibilies and know that he is going to go underground for a while as he has said he does not want to be around my son for a while and certainly will not allow is daughter to be near him. I have spoken to my son about how he made her feel and he was remorseful but also laid some blame at her door. I cannot speak to my ex as he is too wrapped up in his life. I feel totally alone as my partner is angry with my son and thinks I do nothing to change it as I have to soft approach. I do admit i have not been consistent as I have been ridden with guilt that the family unit has gone and my niece's death and basically too tired to deal with it properly. I really need someone to point me in the right direction as to how to help my son with his insecruties and to make him feel like the happy, kind little boy that I do at times see. All my friends are in stable family units and i have no one in my life that can relate to my circumstances. I really look forward to hearing from you Thank you Rona
Hi Rona, so sorry to hear that you're having a really rough ride of things. I can understand why you have taken the softly softly approach with your son over the past few years. It certainly is a lot to deal with. I am also sorry to hear about your niece.
As I was reading your post, I was thinking things from your son's point of view. He doesn't see his Dad that much, your ex is a holiday Dad, whereas your partner is a hands on Dad to his daughter. Your son is maybe extremely resentful of this?
The incident with your son, and partners daughter. Theres only a couple of years between them, so possibly it wasn't all your son's fault. Of course it still doesn't warrant physical behaviour. I completely understand that your partner wants to take a step back too, he is protecting his daughter, but couldn't he still carry on coming round to you, and see his daughter as usual at weekends.
Your son does have to realise that even though he is deeply hurt by what has happened over the last few years, he can't get away with things, and he has got to show respect to you and others etc. Could his grandparents maybe have a word with him?
Please keep posting here, as there'll be lots of support for you.
Take care
Alison
x
Excellent point about how Rona's son may feel to see her partner with his daughter, alisoncam!
I am so thankful for your quick responses and helpful advice Louise and Alison.
I am looking into the Triple P parenting programme and hopefully there will be some courses available and am looking for some reading material on 'Step Families'.
I do think we all need to sit down and have a honest and frank discussion about what has happened and how it has made us all feel but dont think my partner is ready for that. I dont think it helps that we spend very little time together throughout the year then all of a sudden we are on holiday for a week at a time in a confined space. Nobody is trying to replace either parent and that has been made very clear to the children - all we want is everyone to be a happy unit and hopefully things can progress into a more 'blended' family set up when everyone is a bit older. My daughter and partner's daughter do not have problem with our relationship, I just wish I understood what is going on in my son's mind but am determined that it is fixed now .
Thanks again - all much appreciated and will continue using this god send of a website.
Rx
Hi rona2812
What a dreadful time you have had of it and how very alone you are feeling with all that is going on.
Great to hear you are considering a parenting programme, they can be a godsend, not only with the techniques you learn, but also the friendships that are often made.
I wanted to post these websites for further support when living in a stepfamily for both you Stepfamily Scotland and the Parent Connection and for your son Childline/stepfamilies.
Others have given lots of useful support and I won't repeat them, but I did wonder if your partner would spend 'special time' with your son? You have been together quite a long time and maybe your son would like to feel closer to him?
Hello Anna
thank you for your message and suggestions.
I have made two very big steps this weekend:
1) I phoned my ex husband and told him he needs to have more of a presence in our children's life, especially our son, and he has agreed that we need to show a more united front and he suggested having possible 'Family' Days out. i am still in shock at his suggestions as i cannot put into words how bad our split was. So that is a massive step forward and hope we can show our children that despite all that has happened we can agree to put the past behind us and do the very best for our children.
2) I have made contact about going on a parenting course and hope that this will happen soon.
I cannot thank yourself, Alison and louise enough for offering me your advice and giving me the strength to believe I can change 'me' and hopefully make my son especially a happier little boy.
I will let you know how it goes and will continue to use this wonderful website.
Thank you
Rx
Hi Rona, well done for ringing your ex. How do you feel about the 'family' days out? Will it make it uncomfortable for you? I know you want to do the best thing for your son, but you've also got to consider how you feel too. Its great though that the children will be able to see you and your ex getting along so to speak!
How has your weekend been with your son? Have you spoken to your partner? Would your partner be willing to spend some time with just your son, as Anna suggested?
Let us know how everything is going.
Take care
Alison
x
Hello Rona
Wow that sounds like some really positive moves there, well done! The parenting course will help not just in terms of techniques but also to show you that you are not alone and you and the others will be able to help each other along.
Family days are a brilliant idea as long as you adults can be at least civil to each other. Remember all research shows that the thing that affects children the most is NOT separating parents but parents in conflict...so I would go along with it as an experiment and maybe just say to your son that it is a one-off, so he doesn't get too many hopes up. Also it is vitally important that you both tell him that you love him, really quite often, even if he seems not to respond then still keep telling him.
I am glad that you have felt supported and helped by the people on here, that is what we are here for and it would be great to have you as a regular contributor, as you will see by the board, it is not just major problems that we tackle, it is also the day to day stuff and we have quite a few laughs as well 
Hope you can work things out with your partner in due course but plenty for you to be getting on with in the meantime. Have you heard from him at all?
I really do hope that things can be arranged calmly and that you can all enjoy the times you do get together.
Hi rona2812
I have been away and am just catching up with boards, well done you, positive steps!!
Any news on the parenting programme? How is it going with your current partner? Have you seen him recently?
Hi there
Just wanted to update you on whats been happening since i last posted a message.
I have started the parenting programme, week 3 this week, I am enjoying it and picking up some good tips and am being much more consistant with my disipline. My son and i still have our moments but I am trying to be calm consistant mum not Mrs Shoutie. My partner and I have had lots of big chats and both feel determined to work through it as we want a future together. He has been round a few times and he spoke to my son, he told him how much he loved his daughter and his Mum (me) and how upset we both had been at his behaviour. He also said that nobody was going anywhere and did my son want to enjoy his time when we are a group and My son said yes and apologised for his behaviour. they appear to be back on track. I have also spoken to his daughter about it. We have yet to all get together as i don't feel ready for that just yet but any future overnights we have agreed that we will not be putting them in the same room together and any time she stays at my house again, she will not share my son's room as I feel that is obviously been a problem for my son and we need to respect his space and sharing with her girl who is not his sister is not the best of ideas. I intend to buy her a futon bed and put it in my spare room and then, hopefully, everyone understands that is her area when she is at our house which to be honest is very seldom and we now realise that is the problem. We spend very little time throughout the year as a group then we are all thrown together for a week in the summer and expect everyone to get on....
My children's father has been a waste of space and not done one thing that he promised he would do, ie see them more and phone each night, I suggest to my son every night that maybe he should call his Dad and his eyes light up and he rushes for the phone. He desperately misses his Dad and I just find it heartbreaking that his Dad, despite many requests from me, will not put the time in.
Small steps and i remain optimistic that we can work through it.
thanks for your support
Ronax
Hi Rona. Wow, you're really getting things back on track, and in such a short space of time. Well done. It's great that your boyfriend is back on the scene, and also that he has spoken to your son. You're so right about not putting the girl and your son in the same bedroom, he is too old for this anyway. Such an awful shame about your children's father being a waste of space. He is missing out on so much, and it is all his own doing. It's great though that despite his lack of interest, you are still suggesting to your son to ring his Dad. You are also getting it across to your son that it isn't you that is stopping the contact!
like you say, little steps. You're doing brilliantly.
Take care
x
Hi Rona2812
Great to hear from you and to know your news. You have made so much progress in such a short time, well done. Of course it helps that your partner is talking openly too and the one fly in the ointment seems to be your boy's dad. See how it goes and if he keeps hurting your son, it is worth a short polite letter telling him so, and although I commend your efforts in supporting him ringing his dad, maybe this will have to slack off a little if your son seems at all hurt.
Glad you are enjoying the parenting course, I have done three now and got so much out of them, met some great friends, and am now a parenting facilitator. I also agree about the bedroom thing and you are very sensibly stepping back from the situation. It's very very hard to stay calm but that is definitely one of the keys to it all! 
Hiya rona2812
Well done for starting the parenting course, I love them too! So many tips and techniques. What are the other people on the course like?
I am glad to read that your boyfriend is back on the scene and being supportive, it sounds as though your son may have a new found respect for him too.
So, you say it is important that you spend some more 'quality' step family time together any plans?
We recently went on a Go-Ape adventure course, great fun, great bonding session but very expensive!!
Hello Rona
What a lot you are having to deal with!
You have done your level best to keep the family home stable and you work your socks off and you even rush round trying to make sure that your new partner is happy now this has happened with his daughter and you feel guilty and upset because it was your son that has been blamed.
Firstly, it strikes me that although it is upsetting that your partner will now go into himself and “lick his wounds” in fact he is showing himself to be a good parent in wanting to look after his daughter. For myself that would be a quality I would actively seek in a partner, that he is a good dad. So let him have the space for a little while, you have been together for over three years. I can see your dilemma: you want to get to the bottom of what really happened, you suspect that your partner’s daughter was not entirely blameless and yet you want not only to show your partner that you will discipline your boy appropriately but also to be fair to your son. You’re stuck in the middle.
One thing I would just mention for the future, your son is of an age now where perhaps it is better for him not to be sharing a bedroom with a girl, especially one who is not his sister, and if you move forward from this, that is something to bear in mind.
This is not something that can be sorted out overnight but there is lots that can be done. Firstly yes you are right, he is very angry. That is a “normal” response for a boy his age to what has happened. Get in touch with your local Youth Counselling Service, click here for details. If he can express his feelings then this will help him a lot. He might be a bit young for their services but they will know what else is around to help him. If not, your GP could refer him to the local statutory services or the school might help. Next, you can have a think about your relationship with him. Would you consider going on a parenting course? These courses are not for bad parents, they are for good parents who just want some extra techniques up their sleeve. Depending on how your local Health Authority operates, you could access one through your Health Visitor (ring the GP surgery) or through the Education service (ask the school). The Youth Counselling Service is also likely to know of anything helpful locally.
In the meantime, you need to think about boundaries you could set with your son. You have already hit the nail on the head yourself: in order to support him you have perhaps been too soft. I am not saying you need to come down on him like a ton of bricks, you need to think of one behaviour you want to change-perhaps you want to make him more respectful? Think about a reward system, and alternatively privileges he can earn, or you can withdraw. Please remember that whatever system you decide on, it has to be one you can stick to 100%, you must stay calm while you are imposing it and don’t make it the be all and end all. Tell him that you love him, you don’t like his behaviour at the moment, but you will always love him. Have a look at the suggestions given on this thread here as well, including Parentline Plus on 0808 800 2222.
Stay here with us as there is lots of support here.