Hi again

Hi everyone

You might remember my little tale which is in short husband left end November after admitting an affair and had got his (ex) girlfriend pregnant.. He had ended it with her (June) when she first told him(reality must have hit) then hid this from me until after we got back from our  two week summer hols (early Sept) on the basis that this would have been ruined for the two girls (ages 12 and 5) had he told me before we went away.  He came back for a bit (mid Sept to Nov) then I ended it finally after he told me he was going to attend the birth, so i felt like he was putting her first ahead of our marriage and the children (I told him it would kill me if he went and why could she not have her mother there instead).  I never said he should not see the child or pay maintenance.  In fact I said that when he had the access he could brin the child into the family house!

Baby was due early Feb but she ended up having it 23rd December the day before my birth day.  Of course he could attend and did as he was a free man then and had to explain nothing.  since then the hurt was terrible at first almost unbearable.  we had to do Christmas alone, New Year, now recently Easter. We have now gone through most of the "festivals" alone.  Valentines too.  Have not been on my own as such for 20 years although we were together for 14 of those then I had a previous co habit relationship but no kids. 

Problem is, he sees kids twice or three times per week.  I go out to gym or for a drink with friends.  I rarely stay when he is here.But still after nearly 5 months I am still feeling desparately down and lonely at times....especially if no one calls me at the weekend to find out if I am doing anything etc etc.  I feel that many friends who at first were there all the time if I needed have now felt that I do not need them anymore, or maybe because i continue to moan, grumble, talk about HIM all the time.  But i still feel like I need to talk things through, to process things etc.  It is the best therapy still ffor me.  The hardest part is him leaving when he has visited the girls.  plus I still wake almost every single night at around 3am and it is the first thing I think about, it almost feels like a massive shock again..that I am alone and have no life on my own and that I will be alone for the rest of my life.  i feel like I could be slipping into depression...or is this normal?  i have some type of a life but I still get irritated with the children sometimes as I feel I have little time alone to grieve still or think of things alone.  I cried quite alot of the day yesterday (Easter sunday).   

How can you get over the loneliness thing? Should I go out and find someone else? Not easy when you are down at mouth!  I still also feel that i cannot understand what went wrong with us for him to have had an affair in the first place, i still want to question him on his movements, but we cannot communicate on anything other than arrangements with girls whicch are fine and working well.  his stuff is still here, he has not talked about divorce, solicitors, the future etc.  I will not be with him though as I know it cannot work...I do sometimes look at him and hate him for what he did to the girls. His carelessness to get her pregnant, he is paying £250 per month, money we could do with here in his 'first' family.. yet I also long for what we 'had' and to be in a relationship or is this an illusion, and if so how can you get rid once and for all??  sorry if I am going on, but although not as raw as it was it still hurts really badly sometimes.  thank you xx