Hi everyone
I have read posts for the last month or so but only feel ready now to post myself. My husband moved out 12 weeks ago after he had an affair and the other woman fell pregnant. He left her after she told him, but then did not tell me til September last year when i pushed and pushed to find out why he was so quiet and miserable. He then told me everything (I think). The other woman not sure of her motives, presumably she wanted too have the child even though she was not with my husband, to try and make him come back to her. She had the baby on 23 December, six weeks early. It was a huge shock to me firstly him telling me, then finally leaving in end November (we tried for a few weeks to make it work). The issue that we finally parted on was whether or not he should attend the birth! He said he was gooing to, I asked him or begged him not to as it would kill me. He left and then attended the birth as he wanted. He seems to have got everything he wanted. why o why then I am still having strong feelings of wanting hm back? My feelings change like the windd, one week i am ook ish, the next really back to square one. He has told me he still loves me, visits the children three times a week, but has recently said that we could not make this work after all that s happened. How can I move on? Has anyone else gone through an affair which resulted in a child. we told our eldest daughter last night about her new half brother. Thanks
Hello Renelle
You are welcome to One Space, and I am glad you decided to post.
Your feelings are bound to be very mixed, especially at first, after all you have years of history together and he is the father of your children.....but on the other hand you feel betrayed and angry. The rollercoaster of emotions is very normal. I am posting a link to something that one of our other members wrote that I think might interest you, here it is
It's very hrad to move on but you can do it, just don't expect too much of yourself at first. Of course it varies from person to person but I would expect that if you have been with someone a long time and especially if you have children together then it could take a year or more. Before you throw your hands up in horror, let me tell you that it will be one of the most important years of your life, where you will learn so much, reclaim yourself and experience massive changes.
How are your children coping with it all?
Thanks Louise and Rae71. My eldest who is 12 seems ok but I cant be sure she is as she is not speaking much. the little one knows nothing as she is only 5, although yesterday she did tell me that daddy does not live with us but stays with Nanny which is true. I just think that he does not deserve me and I tell myself this ten times a day. but on the other hand, when he is here like today he is asking me if I am ok, doing the chores, and the diy, kisses me goodbye, tells me "darling", but then goes like it is nothing, like we are just friends, but i still see myself as his wife. I just cannot seem to see him for what i know he is and that is a self centred pig. I guess i am grieving for what we had; for the loss of identity etc. The loss of the shared hopes and dreams etc etc. I think the only thing I could do to make myself feel better would be to go on dates! But this is too soon also for me. I just want to move on quickly but it is all too slow and hard! Why does this have to happen to the person who was not at fault anyway, the person who stuck to their vows, the person who has committed and understanding. It is so not fair. x
Hi Renelle
Yes, it is indeed unfair. Did you read the link I provided?
It strikes me, reading your last post that your partner is tryng to have his cake and eat it too, he he wants to play happy families despite what has happened. This is excellent as far as the children are concerned but not for you, Don't let him kiss you,Try and protect yourself as much as possible.
I wonder if your 12 year old would speak to someone outside of ths situation such as a counsellor? Sometimes our children are reluctant to express their feelings for fear of upsetting us but it is important she lets it out.
Hi Louise
Thanks for that. I read the link it was good, I had read this also a few weeks ago on the site too. I am trying to do everything to try and protect myself (or not quite!). I am still in some ways wanting him to want me back so when he demonstates this I accept this, and I feel better temporarily for knowing he wants me. I also know that this is not going to help me to move on, its like I know what I need to move on but I am still hampered from this by the other desire to not see the marriage over and accept it is over. Many of my friends have also used the expression of him wanting his cake and eating it and I know I am letting him. I just cannot find the strength at the moment to harden myself. I wonder if anyone knows of any free counselling available (money is tight I know you can pay). The doctor has referred me but it is taking weeks.
thanks xx
Yes, there is often a waiting list because so many people want this for free and the NHS is only wiling to pay for a limited number of counsellors. My personal view is that the country would save a lot of money if low cost counselling was more widely available, funded by the NHS and this would prevent a lot of longer term mental healthcare requirements and people who work would need less time off sick etc etc but that it just one of my bugbears!
Mind offers very low cost services and has a good reputation
Also, have a look at this page here, which lists some lower-cost organisations. You will see that some are for young people only., There are certainly a couple you could phone, perhaps The Awareness Centre and The Albany Trust and there are others depending on where you can travel.
Thanks Louise.
Thanks Louise.
Hi Renelle
What a shock you've had to come to terms with.
This site is so good for offering support, and I'm glad you've found your way here - just sad you needed to.
Hi Renelle and welcome to One Space from me too 
It is great that you finally got round to posting, i am sorry that it is under these circumstances. I hope that you will keep posting so that we can support you.
Have you as Louise suggested thought about putting some boundaries in place for when your ex comes round? How often does he come round to see the children?
Hi all
He sees the children around 2-3 times a week and seems quite flexible, depending on what I have planned. He goes home on the bus when i get in from the gym//shops/friends, but i have to be back around 10.30 or 11 at night as unfortunately as he is back at his mums (ahhh) he cannot take them on a school night as this is a bus ride away and he cannot get them back the next day as he goes to work at 7am. Maybe i should make him reschedule his work arrangements?? i have always done all the childcare so this would come as a shock to him. It has also crossed my mind what arrangements he would / has put in place if i was sick and could not do the school run. all my family live up North. did i also mention he has no tranport himself either. If i was to make it easlier for the kids i would have to allow him to use my car, but why should i make his life easier?
I still think he has made the completely wrong decision to not want me back. He tells me he has not talked it over with anyone, not even his mum. I hope he will regret this for the rest of his life.
Me i have lost 22 lbs and am going out on saturday night!
Well done you on the weight loss hope you have a great time on saturday night, what are your plans?
From what you have said i take it your not around when your ex has contact with the children, is that because you make yourself scarce to avoid being around when he is about?
Hi sally,
Yes I ask him to see the kids when it is convenient for me so I can have some time doing my thing. At first I used to sit there too and stew but more recently i have felt a little stronger and last night for example, i went to the gym for two hours, then to a friends round the corner for a glass of wine! undid all the hard work! when I got back at 11, he got up to leave almost straight away. He did most of the ironing though and did the children. Early days yet though, it feels strange sounding a tad cheerful!
Hi Renelle, welcome from me :)
I think he is feeling incredibly guilty and that is why he is being so 'nice', which in turn makes it all so confusing for you.
He has said that he doesn't want to work at your marriage, which is incredibly hurtful, but he is going to have to work at this parenting apart relationship and compromise with your wishes.
How long is the bus journey to his mums? Because although it is nice for him and the children to be at your home and especially lovely if he is doing the ironing, it is probably making it very difficult for you to see the reality of the end of the relationship.
If he was to meet someone else now, all this would probably change pretty sharpish, I would imagine.
If you could have it any way you wanted it, what would be the best solution re: contact with the children, you seeing him, his living arrangements?
Hi Anna
i really dont know. It hurts you saying those things because I guess it is not what i want to hear, but yes in reality i am reading things into his actions, and yes I think he feels very guilty. It is just that because I know he is not with the OW, somehow that means that he wants to be with me.
I love having the children with me most of the time and I miss them even if they are gone for a few hours. I guess the weekend access is best at his mums house. But the during the week access will have to be as it is for the time being.
thanks
Hi Renelle, I know it hurts and in a way that is why I wrote it, we have to face reality in these situations, because from previous experience, we can be led up the garden path, to suit our ex's then all of a sudden they meet someone else and we are left standing alone, wondering what on earth had just happened.
So what I want you to think about is taking back some of your control. It sounds as though you are pretty independant and doing things that you have always wanted to do, but still emotionally attached to your ex.
Completely understandable and not something that is going to change overnight. I am not telling you anything you don't know, you had dreams of a future with your husband and your trust has been shattered. Take each day as it comes, remember that if you did get back together, after the initial few months you would never trust him in the same way as before.
Day by day you will get stronger, this is your chance to take the bull by the horns and reinvent your life.
Hi Anna
i know thanks for that, it does hurt but I know already what you have said is true. when I think or start to think of the possibilities of keeping our marriage, and having him back warts 'n all, a voice in my head also tells me No no No, and tells me that I do not actually want him or his ways and cruelty not now or in the future as this would be bad for me and the girls. But the little flame of possibility of saving things keeps going on as I was brought up that marriage will work and is a difficult thing. difference is as you say one wanted to make it work, one did not try very hard at all.
I have tried the list thing (good verus bad), got a self help guide (came today from amazon), and am trying to go out as often as possible. I have also thought about him going to the OW as he must see her when he sees the baby. this does seem to be only every ten or 14 days though. i know this because he is here at least three times a week and often calls the girls from work lateish and works most weekends and then comes here in his overalls. i did ask him on Sat night if he was planning to be with her in the future and he said no there was nothing there and that the distinct impression i got was that this was not going to happen. but who knows.. i know that he will be trying to keep her sweet though in case she cuts access. he knows that i would not do this as it would not be good for the girls. Cake and eat still very much comes to mind. thanks for your advice it does help at low times.
Hello Renelle
I do so know what you mean about being brought up to think that marriage was forever. So was I, and I can remember when my marriage ended, even though it was my choice, I sort of looked around and was quite shocked to think "Oh! I am a single parent now!"
Try not to speculate about what he may or may not be up to. You need to concentrate on you and the girls and stop him occupying so much of your headspace. As Anna says, it is about taking control now, not just of your own life again but also of the situation, and that means BOUNDARIES. He needs to make firm arrangements with you about when he is coming over. You also need to keep what you are up to private from him. Stay strong and hold your nerve and you will get there
Hi all
Took advice and when he came to mind girls last night I raised the issue of boundaries and the little things he is doing which are causing me confusion and annoyance - like getting a shower and putting dirty clothes in laundry bin, helping himself to a glass of wine, recording a programme on Sky, etc. i said that there was a big difference between paying the half mortgage and bills still which he is doing, and acting like this was still his home. He got stroppy and said "but to do the ironing is ok is it?" because he did some the other day. But that is different in my view, that is helping with the housework as after all I have to do all that now on my own. Its different from acting like stuff is his for the taking....
Can I also ask advice? If I start the ball rolling with divorce, he may stop the money and I cannot afford the mortgage and bills on my own. Would he have to help with bills as well as pay maintenance for the children? If not then that would cause us to lose our home, potentially. I am reluctant to start things off as this may cause huge financial problems for us, but on the other hand, to not start means that he continues to own half the house and could in reality come and go as he pleases? Thanks x
Hi Renelle
I am glad that you are starting to look at boundaries that you want to have and have bit the bullet and spoke with your ex.
I think that your ex is finding things confusing as it sounds as if you are saying you don't live here anymore so don't help yourself to the fridge, t.v etc and then on the hand your saying but it is o.k to help do the housework as this benefits you. This is giving him mixed messages.
I could be completely wrong in how i have read your post, but I can understand where you are coming from, but can also see how confusing this can be from the otherside. The trick to good boundaries are to keep them simple, be clear of your expectations and be consistant.
It is difficult and scary at times being the one responsible for everything from paying bills, doing housework, taking care of children, and work the list goes on and on etc, I don't know how the others feel but for me this became easier as time went on.
In response to your question i would suggest that you needed some legal advice you can contact our Legal Expert who should be able to advise you around financial issues resulting from the end of your relationship.
What are your plans for tomorrow night?
Hi Renelle, our money advisor always says that if the relationship is definitely over it is really important to get family law advice as soon as possible. Hanging about leaves questions in the air and uncertainty on both sides.
You have to take it one day at a time and it will be tough. You may be financially worse off but it will be easier if you both know where you stand. You don't want to have to be 'nice' just to ensure that he continues to pay bills or babysits.
This is a difficult transistion for you both. He probably still sees your house as his home and it is nice for him to come round, see the girls, help himself to the fridge and do domestic chores, it probably helps him keep a bit of normalcy in his life.
Its interesting that he raised the ironing. Was he doing this as a favour to you rather than just getting on with a household chore?
yes the ironing was a favour! He always had to be asked to do things which he then did but like I said I generally had to ask! this has i think in hindsight been one of the things that caused resentment to build up with me, and me in turn not being particularly friendly with him certainly in the recent pase. I think that I have felt under appreciated for a good couple of years if not more.
thanks
Helpful though it might be, it is part of the illusion that he lives there.
Presumably his time with the children is taking place at your house because it suits you and also there is nowhere else for it to happen on a practical basis. That's fine as long as he learns to behave almost as a babysitter when he is at your house. It is now YOUR HOUSE. And just as he should not be helping himself to a glass of wine, there is no need for him to do the ironing. It is a big adjustment for him, which is mainly because you are still living in the same house. One way to reinforce that adjustment is to keep the front door bolted or locked with the key on the inside so that even if he has a front door key he has to ring the doorbell when he comes round.
Do get that legal advice that Sally suggested.
I'm so sorry to hear of the struggle you're having. It's mostly going to be down to you feeling so vunerable after this man has pretty much ripped your heart out....
Why not start on your repair - this is where you say "Right, I'm going to start over with me"...Give yourself time and appreciation for who you are. Do you really deserve to be wiped off the floor by your cheating husband if/when he feels so inclined?
Wouldn't it be far more flamin fabulous to make yourself the DIVA that you deserve to be and make the rules yourself?...
You can meet some new people, maybe have a look at doing a college course, just get yourself back to realising that because of your caring and understanding nature, you were taken advantage of in this way.
How about having a look at somewhere like netmums - They're great for meeting new people and giving yourself a boost, you really must find your confidence again - you will be able to look back and smile about just how far you've come
You need strength to lay down some rules, and it's going to be your way or no way. It's really tough, but you sound like a very fair, non-judgemental person, so this is where you say "IT'S ME AND MY CHILDREN TIME"
Good luck xxx