Hi, i am a newly single parent and was wondering how you all cope.. I found out a few weeks ago that my husband has been having an affair for the past 4 months. He has moved out and is living with his mum (so he tells me). We have a lovely 2 year old little boy - monkey - and i really dont know why he has done this to us. Our little monkey is everything we ever wanted and he has just thrown it all away. I am finding it very hard to be positive. I know I need to be for my little monkey but everytime I see my ex I feel sick with the thought of what he has done and still cant believe it. I am sure he is still seeing the other woman although he says he is not. I know I need to move on but I cant. I still love him and want him back - as I said this only happened 3 weeks ago so I am finding it very difficult to deal with. We are having to sell our family home and I need to move in with my parents for now. Any advice on how you all coped when you became single parents would be grately appriciated.
Shaz
Hi Tiredmum,
Unfortunately there is no way back, he has been round tonight to sort out the finances and basically told me he is seeing how things work out with the slapper he has been seeing but even if that does not work out he is not coming back. In some way i am pleased (well my head is) my heart is still aching and wants even just a cuddle from him.
Shaz xx
Awwwh I am sorry xxx
It does get easier, I am a single mum to 5 children, 24,20,17,16 and 9, never really had any support and just got on with everything, you will get there.
It is difficult at 1st, its the routine that you miss. even the arguments you will miss, but look on the positive side, you can watch what you want on tv(no football) you can come and go as you please etc.
I imagine moving into your psrents will be difficult, are they supportive?
xxx
Hi Shaz, sorry to hear your news. just wanted to write as your story seems very similar to mine. my ex left when my son was 2 - he's 6 now - it was very hard for a long time but i did feel some relief quite quickly that his black cloud of negativity was no longer hanging over the house. When the house sold it was tough and altho i now live somewhere much smaller it feels great to be away from all the bad memories of his departure. These days i look back and i'm glad he left, he wasn't the man i thought he was and we would have been very unhappy if he'd stayed. i didn't realise it at the time but he did abuse me all the time - not physically but mentally - and its nice to be free and have friends around me that boost my confidence rather than wear me down.
very good luck, take these days one at a time, i still struggle with long term plans, gradually you will feel better. and you and that monkey are going to have the most amazingly special relationship.
That is the problem we never argued. I really dont know what happened but I am always being told I am better off without him. Hard to hear but I know in my head it is true. Thankfully my parents are the greatest, I would be so lost with out them. They have done everything they think is right for me. The only problem is they have been together since childhood so have no idea what it is I am going through. This is the second marriage that has failed but the first time a child has been involved. We waited so long for our son, we went through the adoption process for 3 years waiting for him. It was one day before the 1st anniversary of monkey coming home that he walked out. What a great man.....
Shaz x
Pinkgrapefruit, Thanks for your message - thinking on it and talking to a friend of my who knows the hubby - it has been decided that he was a very negative person and always putting me down. Mental abuse - very hard to prove and some people think i am making it up as when he is out and about he is very nice, quiet and polite. I did tell my sister that I have had enough of men and was going to become a nun and she thought I was being serious and tried to explain that I could not take monkey with me. Then i could not hold in the laughter any more and she put the phone down on me. She did phone straight back to say sorry but I can not believe she thought I was being serious.
xx
I am glad that your parents are so supportive, that will help so much.
You have your beautiful and much wanted little boy who you obvoiusly adore, that in itself is a blessing.
Can I ask, was it a strain on you both going through the adoption process? Not making excuses for anyone but I do know it can be draining xxx
The adoption process was stressful but we had a 2 year wait once we had been approved so it was like a ticking time bomb - not knowing when or where it would happen. Things were great whilst I was on adoption leave from work for 9 months but then when I went back to work is when it all started - so he tells me. We were both really happy to go on with the adoption - it is not something you should ever consider lightly but now i feel like he just wanted a child and not a wife - i was just the burden he had to bare to get what he wanted. Still I have my little monkey and he really is the light of my life.. If being on my own is what I have to do I will have to sort myself out and get on with it... So much easier to say than do. My head is saying just get on with it and my heart is saying hell no this is not happening...
xx
Just take it a step at a time, you will have good days and bad ones, you will laugh and you will cry but you will get there
I am sorry that it is so hard for you at the moment, but stick with one space, there are lots of lovely people on here who will all support you and offer lots of great advice, it tends to quieten off in the late evening, I am nocturnal so usually around, but lots of others will reply to you over the coming days, please do keep posting xxx
Friends and family, someone to listen, even if they don't understand. I think the worst thing is if you are stuck in on your own. Find out about local support groups, when I was forst on my own there was a local Bernardoes, they ran lots of stuff, coffee mornings, a crech and various one day activities.
: )
Eventualy you can stand up on your own and then share you experiences with others and help them.
: )
Hello shazd26
Thanks for sharing what you are going through.I am sorry that you have so much to cope with right now.
It is REALLY early days and the hurt that you feel won't go away for a while yet, so don't expect too much of yourself. It sounds as if there are all sorts of emotions for you: grief and disbelief and anger. The disbelief can be the worst: how can this person, with whom you have been through so much just betray you like this? If you can start to accept it and believe it has happened then that is the first step towards feeling better, even though that sounds illogical.
Yes, people may tell you that you are better off without him etc but really the point is that whether or not that is true, he HAS left, and now it is for you to decide where to go from here.
It's great that you have your family and friends, talking endlessly to them will help in these eary days, and now you have found us too (I am getting your wimple ready for you as a type so that you are ready for the nunnery 
) Many of us have been through similar so we DO understand. It is good to focus on the positive as well, with your lovely little boy, and to cosset yourself as if you were recovering from an illness. Don't expect too much of yourself just at first, the coping thing will come in time, lots of good comments from the others and, as Bubblegum says, you can build a new network of support round you, but it won't happen overnight so one step at a time.
What are you up to over the weekend? Are you on the housework trail like a lot of us? 
Hi shazd26. Like others have said, just take it one day at a time and you'll get there with your little boy.
Housework trail Louise?? You're very good. I'm shutting my eyes today, what I can't see won't bother me lol.
...I used the term loosely!
What is housework? My god I am trying to find the time but being a full time worker and now a single mum - think i need to get a routine.... It is so so hard Monkey is not sleeping well at the moment so I am up all night with him and then I have to be out of the house by 7 to get the bus to nursery and then walk to work from there. My day is go go go all the time. I know alot of you out there are saying this is the norm and it does get easier but when?? After a few drinks with my BFF on Sat night i have decided that I am going to see a solicitor to get the divorce moving. He did not seem happy when i told him but I am not bothered what he thinks anymore. He did not seem to think about me or Monkey when he was with this other thing!!!! Friends and family certainly do make it easier I really dont know where I would be without my family and friends. And you all on here to. Must admit when I found this website I did sigh with releif at the thought there are people out there who know what I am going through as all my friends and family have been with their other halfs for years and are all really happy. After spending a night on this site the next day my mum told me that I was like a different person and it was like having her cheerful daughter back although we know that I do have my black days. For your kind comments and friendliness I must thank you all. This is a fab website and I cant wait to read more threads and see what advice I can get...
Shaz xx
That's brilliant to know that we have been a help to you, we will shortly be asking people to complete feedback forms (we need to do this from time to time for our funders) so I hope you will participate.
Yes the routine is hard-going, especially with work in the mix as well. My boys were eight and three when I separated from their dad and I went back to college and worked a combination of three jobs, it was jolly fun, I can tell you! But we DO get through in one piece and although I would not say it gets "easier", somehow you build up your stamina and wow, what a confidence boost it is to be able to say you have done all that.
Glad you were able to get out for a drink, nice to get a bit of adult company 
Louise
I will gladly fill in one of your forms.. I am planning on going back to college to get some qualifications to enable me to attend university to become a nurse - this was all planned with the ex and I am still going ahead with it as i think he is expecting me to crumble and I will not allow him to see what he is doing to me inside. I am working for the MOD at the moment and have the chance to get vol redundancy which will enable me to afford to go to college. I am hoping to move very close to my parents who will help with monkey which is a big relief as I dont want the ex thinking that I can not cope without him. If he wants to see monkey then he has to ask but I really dont think he will be doing it that often.. I do feel sorry for monkey but for me he could do a runner and never come back.. I will always be there for monkey and he will have my family that love him dearly always no matter what...
Shaz x
Good luck with your plans shaz.
My Mum was brilliant helping with my lot when they were small. She never got to meet my youngest. I really could have done with having their support with things (which makes me sound incredibly selfish, I know).
You sound very positive, which is great
Sparkling you are not selfish, it is understandable you would have liked that!
Shazd26, it is great that you have some clear goals and how to get there Even if you do move, your boy's dad will be able to visit, you have to do what makes sense right now.
Thanks Sparklinglime, I am trying to stay positive and think well if I can do it then well done me and if I cant - HELP MUMMY is what i will be crying....
Louise, I have asked Monkeys dad to help us move so he knows where we will be. It is all really amicable - well i am trying to make it like that - the Ex just does not love me anymore and there is nothing i can do about it. It is just the way he has gone about it. If he had ended it with me first maybe I could have accepted it abit easier. Bloody ToyBoys what a nightmare....
Hello Shazd26
Just like to welcome you and say hello, my name is Stuart and i am a fulltime working father of three one 15yo daughter two boys one 12 the other 8.
My ex wife met a new parnter on a internet chat room and was gone within two week she said she dident love me anymore and this was her last chance of happiness you know the script.
Anyway i fought for all that we had built up and my life house work kids stabillity of the children, well she dident want to take them to busy having fun/holidays with new partner,and probley like you dident see it comeing and feel like ur on a rollacoster ride and u carnt get off.
Now its been 3 years got divorced and kept the children as stable as possible,yes they see mum go every other weekend and holidays.
Yes i to understand that at first i still loved my wife but after what she put me through and tried to break me in time and thats the healer TIME thats the best advice you do learn to do things for you treat yourself and you get over it.
There are lots of shallow people out there who have to have someone to go to b4 they break away from you and yes i know how hurtful it is.
But with the support of your family and friends and us guys on here its one step at a time and in time you will find yourself.
Keep posting and remember what ever your feeling its only natrual its all part of the healing process in some way all of us on here are going through it or have come out the other side so your not alone.
Stuart loves to you all xxxxx
Hi stuart,
Thanks for your message. I do still love him and that is the part that really hurts - it kills me even more inside when i see him, even when i get a text from him. I just need to move and start a fresh but waiting for these housing associations to move their butts is a nightmare... There is a flat in my parents complex that has just become available but waiting for them to say yes or no as to whether monkey and i can have it is just so so long... Or it feels that way (only been a week or so really).
Hello
Yes i bet you do as its raw you carnt just switch your feelings off, now though you have to deside what your going to do for yourself even though your hurting an your emotions are all over the place how do you want to be treated do you think he recpects you.
Is this new woman just a novality and once hes bored and your on your way up in the future is he going to be switching on the sorry its a mistake act just be aware of that.
Yes getting re-housed can be a nightmare they dont rush to sort you do they.
But please do keep posting we will support you all the way.
Stuart
Stuart.
I know that i dont want him back - my head really really knows that but my heart is still ruling me at the moment.. I have told him there is no coming back now he has said he is still seeing her. What is it they say - fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me - Well there wont be a second time (hopefully)
Shaz
Shazd26
Well you have are support we will help you as best we can give you a shoulder to cry on and give you all the best advice possible, andyou know at the end of the day its your choice now how you lead your life.
Yes i know the old head vs heart tussle its a hard place and experience to go through you have a broken heart but it will heal in time its true it will, may not feel like it at the moment but it will you just take each day at a time.
Your little monkey needs you he will keep you going, and if you want you can have my monkeys to god now you would have a jungle full of monkeys enjoy lol x
Stuart
Think i could only cope with one more monkey to replace the prat that has left.. He is like a child and a very small one at that x
Shaz
Hi Shazd26 how are you today.
Yes i see that it may be a little confussing that someone you thought you know does things that you couldent see them doing. How your loved one can want to hurt you so much and cut you off its hard to take.
Stuart
Hi Stuart,
Today is not such a good day - I had a really good start but now I am facing the weekend without my monkey as he will be with his dad and my heart is still aching for the bugger...
I so wish I could turn these feelings off but I cant...
Off to meet my mum now so speak to you later xx
Hi shazd26
Welcome from me and thanks for sharing your story.
So your ex did decide to have your little monkey, that is a good thing. Painful I know, however hopefully a positive thing for them both and a break for you too .
As others have said....it will get easier. It is important for us to have 'me' time, not only for our mental health, but for our children too. I have put some links here to give you some food for thought.
So shazd26 what are you going to get up to this weekend??
I am spending time with my parents - off out tonight with my mum to a spiritualist church. Hoping they will have answers he he he. Can't wait til Sunday to get monkey back. Dad has just come in from work so better go. Hope you are all ok and I will speak to you over the weekend. X
Hey Anna, just thought I'd let you know your
When your child goes on access visits link leads to a 404 error message. (NOTE FROM MODERATOR: thanks JaneHope, I have changed the link to one that works)
Hey, Shaz, Just looking through the other threads - think we're going through this at a similar time with similar aged kids... It is awful that you've been treated like this though... I don't know if it is any better to seperate without having some extra person involved... it leaves you in a grey area and... well we've tried to seperate before but always come back together within 48 hours... for I guess good reasons.. (help with pregnancy and 1st year of baby) but now there's nothing to keep us together and I'm in a place where I'm strong enough to look after the kids by myself. I have bi-polar...
anyway I feel like I'm hi-jacking your thread! :)
Good Morning all,
Anna thanks for the links they are very interesting..
My me time was curled up on the sofa at my parents watching Harry Potter films all day.
Jane, welcome and sorry to hear that you are going through the same stuff I am.. It is not nice but I am glad to hear that you feel strong enough to look after the kids by yourself. It is good that you have the choice.. I Hope things are looking up for you.
Shaz x
Thanks for letting us know about the broken link JaneHope.
I am not sure if this is your real name, but in case it is, may I suggest you change it. We want these boards to be anonymous, so you can say what you want and be totally untraceable. To change your username click on Your Profile at the very top of this page and then click on Edit, you will then be able to change your name and don't forget to click save at the end. This is for confidentiality as well as safety.
By the way...nice to meet you, look forward to getting to know you! You are not hijacking any threads! Especially if you have experienced similar to shazd26.
Shazd26 ....... a day of films, how luxurious! I hope your little monkey got home safely and had a fun visit??
How are the heart strings today, the old Valentine's day??
It's not my real name;) but thank you.
I think I must be the only one I know who doesn't really like Harry Potter films. (going off to hide now, hehe)
OMG Hazeleyes,
How can you NOT like Harry Potter . I must admit I prefer the books but with monkey I do not seem to have time to read...
Hazeleyes, I don't like the Harry Potter films either!
Maybe I am watching the HP Movies too much - Magic Wands are NOT Real .
LOL if only they were! And I would like a Quidditch broomstick to beat the traffic jams!
I will take the broom to beat the ex with....
Hehe. I do play Harry Potter games on the playstation with C, but that's it. I watched one film with him, and couldn't make head nor tail of it 
I promise the books are loads better than the films..
Each to his own, I guess.
No violence though, or my imaginary glasses will have to come out.....
I am on the step as I type... I am only 5ft 2 and he is 6ft 3 so no violence I promise.
PHEW!!!!
I did ask him on sunday if he wanted to play with the traffic but he did not seem amused by that... Not sure why!!!
Hey guys,
when does it get easier - i thought i was getting my head round what has happened and today I just cant.. I so badly want him back and things to be like they were before his affair... He is having monkey tonight and I am not sure if this is the reason for my bad day and my feelings as he is coming to the house to pick him up.
Just want to curl up and fade away today....
Hi shazd26, sorry you are having a low day, there isnt a time scale on how soon it gets easier only that it does, it all happens on your time and everyone is different. What are your plans for tonight? Try and have a focus to do something when your son is with his dad, do you like decorating? I find it very theraputic along with reading lots, could you maybe write a diary, that helps for some people to write down how you are feeling on a daily basis, you could then look back on it in the months to come and see just how far you have come.
Thinking of you xxx
Hi shazd26
Tiredmum is right it just takes time. I found at the start i would make forward steps for a few days and then something happens and i go back to the start again. Now after 5 months I just keep making forward steps now. It really does get better and easier in time
Wayne, I remember you joining One Space. You've done amazingly well, and you should be sooooo proud of yourself. Shaz, it does take time, and you too are strong, and will also get through it. Don't forget to have a hot bubble bath tonight, not forgetting a good book, dvd, and wine perhaps. Take care
Hi Hazeleyes.
Thank you could not have got this far without you guys listening and supporting with great advice. Glad i found you all
Hi Shaz
Sorry you are finding things so difficult at the moment.
Can I ask is there a way backk for you and your ex? Would you want to do that if you could, it just seemed that you might? If so would it be worth sitting down and talking with your ex, no not easy but if there is a way back from this before its too late well maybe its worth a try.
xxx