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Hi maria, I have always wanted another girl and call her Olivia, don't know why though, just think it is a really pretty name!
Nicola37, well done for doing the Family Contract! I have done and it did work really well the only hard bit was keeping quiet when my daughter didn't stick to her side of the deal, but I felt really good by telling her that I was still going to stick to my side and that we would discuss it further the following week! It really did work! It meant that I didn't get all resentful and also it meant that I was still in control of the situation!
Have you set the Contract Review for next week?
hi everyone ,
just a quick hello and to say ,my daughter is due any day now. i can't wait 
.
Hi Anna, yes Olivia is a nice name, i will pass that on to my daughter.Thanks for that.
Wow! Hope all goes well. Look forward to hearing your news!
Gosh, we will all be thinking of you and your daughter, Maria, good luck!
Hi Maria. Will you be at the birth? All very exciting. Good luck for your daughter.
wrong place for post... moving it now :)
Hi JaneHope. Welcome along.
Hi all
I've tried the contract this week but it just doesn't seem to be working. I've stuck to everything and my son has stuck to nothing! He has been awful to me, not done any chores and dawdled getting ready for school to the point where he is only just ready in the nick of time - these were the main things I asked him to change. He was off sick until Wednesday but I think he was just stringing me along and I've now had a letter from school because his attendance is below satisfactory. I allowed him to have a friend to sleep over Friday night and they kept me awake until 4.30 am. Despite this he still had a tantrum Saturday night because i didn't want to watch a dvd in his room with him and I said I wouldn't take him shopping today (he has no money and neither do I!) It escalated and he ended up getting dressed and walking to my mum's house and spending the night there. He rang to apologise and we said we loved each other but he's been just as nasty to me today. I'm despairing and I feel so alone with it all. I know how awful it must sound but I just want him to grow up and leave home.
Hi Nicola. Like I've said before, my son is only 8, but I do still get frustrated with him, and sometimes think he's selfish!!! My Mum would turn in her grave if she heard me say that!!! I get to boiling point when he's had a friend over night, all day, and then wants me to watch, play, or do something with him, because he's bored. Just seems sometimes, we can never win. It doesn't sound awful what you're saying, it's how most of us feel I think. Really hope his behaviour is better tonight. I don't know what to suggest to be honest, because like you, I'd be at the end of my tether too. I guess, keep being strong, stick to your guns, and let him know whose boss, is the way forward.
Hi Nicola
I`m sorry its a difficult time for you with your son. Would it be possible for your mum to have him stay just for a little while? I ask this as it worked for me with my daughter who is now 17 soon 18, she was a nightmare, there was no doing with her at all so I arranged with her elder brother that I would ask her to leave our house, he "offered" to take her in, she hated it at his house as she was expected to clean up not only after herself but after everyone else too, she could only have a bath when the water was hot, here we have a combi boiler so its always hot water,didnt have a say in what food was prepared etc, she was there for just over a week and from day one was calling and texting me to say she was sooooooooo sorry and she wouldn`t be horrible anymore, it was really hard to not relent sooner but I knew that she was safe, she does still have her moments but it is nowhere near as bad as before.
You certainly doesnt sound awful wishing he was old enough to leave home, it is the hardest thing to be the parent of a difficult child and when you are on your own it seems really daunting and very lonely xx
Thinking of you xxx
Thanks Hazeleyes and tiredmum. He's ok tonight but you never know when the volcano is going to erupt lol! I think he needs some help with his anger to be honest. There's no one else he could stay with as my mum is quite ill with emphysema but she has suggested that maybe he stays over every other Saturday night just to give us a breather from each other. I love him with all my heart but it breaks my heart when he talks to me with such hatred and tells me I'm the worst mum in the world!
Thanks for your comments and support.
xx
Hi, we always hurt the ones we love, thats what your son is doing in his own way, he does love you just as my daughter loves me but they lash out at the nearest person to them and thats us isnt it.
Anger management, yes that can be good too, my daughter has tried various types of this, the one she really didnt like was talking about and drawing jelly babies!!!!!! She has continued with it though into college,(not the jelly baby one), it does seem to help. Could you ask the education welfare to help you find someone for your son?
Have a peaceful night xxx
One thing they did suggest with the webber-stratton course I went on was to use 'ignore'.
Are you able to ignore his tantrums? It can be effective - not always - but sometimes! For me, it can be hard to not start shouting to be hear above them, so I just leave the room.
Hope today is a better one.
Hello Nicola37
I am sorry that you have had such a rotten time. The idea about staying with your Mum was a good one and at least it sounds as if your Mum can manage to have him once a fortnight, which will give you a break, now he is not going to his Dad's.
Anger management: do you know, I hear so much about this for so many young people that I honestly think it should be part of the National Curriculum, it would be much more use than some of the stuff they seem to learn. However, this does not happen! I think it would be great if he would go to Relateen, I am sure the anger will be tied up with stuff to do with his dad and his situation. Relateen are great and counsel children between the ages of 10 and 18 whose parents have separated. Click on the blue link I have given you, to find your local one.
Just a word about the Family Contract: you draw it up and then after a week or so have a meeting and say calmly: right so who did their part of the contract then? whoops, it seems that I have done mine but you have not done yours. Let's give it another try. Did you find your part too hard? etc. Re-draw the contract, continue to keep your part of it and if he still does not do his part then you have to withdraw yours. So the crunchy nut cornflakes go, for a start! You can then maybe do a think I suggested elsewhere on the boards where you draw a line down the middle of the page, write down everything you do for him on the left hand side (including cooking, laundry, paying for the electricity for his laptop) and ask him to write everything he does for you on the right hand side. That is a much more confrontational method and the Family Contract is worth pursuing first, plus Relateen
I do hope it helps that many of us can say that our children have been/are going through the same 
Thanks for your advice Louise. I will suggest the counselling to him but I know him and I think he'll just refuse to go. I've hidden his laptop (again) as he wasn't ready for school on time (again) and didn't set off until the time that school starts. i wake him up in plenty of time he just messes around and if I say anything I just get yelled at! Hopefully he'll get a detention as well.
Hi again
I don't know how you are phrasing it to him....some young people don't want to go to "counselling" because they think it is implying there is something "wrong with them". Maybe if you said something along the lines of "someone outside the family where you can express your feelings in private and not worry about it being passed on to me"?
Hi Nicola37, how did the Family contract review go??
Hi Anna
Sorry for the delay in replying. he has refused to do a review! He is refusing to do any chores so I have said he won't get any spending money until he does. He isn't all bad and can be really lovely sometimes! He has actually agreed to talk to a student counsellor at school so hopefully that may help his anger. Half term should be fun, lol! x
That is good news about the counsellor, Nicola37. Do stress to him that it is confidential; sometimes our young people want to say things to someone other than their parents. When my eldest went for counselling (he was 13) I felt really strange to think of him telling this other person all his troubles when I had been everything to him thus far...but it helped HIM so that was the main thing!
You are right to stick to your guns about the pocket money, well done, keep up the good work
Hi nicola37
I know you are saying that he is refusing to do the review, but you have started something and he needs to know that you both signed an agreement that was entered into in good faith and this needs to be followed through.
Have another look at the end of the Family Contract. If he is not prepared to stick to the things that you have asked for, this means that you will not either.
ie- the crunchy nut cornflakes have to go.
Maybe you can discuss the review or renegotiation when he is unable to leave the room, either when he is in the car or when you are walking together somewhere?
You don't need the piece of paper necessarily, but say that you did stick to your side of the bargain and you want to do things like watching him on his x-box, but you won't until he plays his part.
Have I mentioned to you Young Minds before? They have a great helpline and also a place which he could have a look at too.
I also wonder if he is still young enough to be encouraged by a reward chart?
Hi all
My eldest son has just come home and told me something disturbing. Apparently his childhood friend who is in his class in secondary school aswell has started drinking and smoking. My immediate reaction was to try and contact the boys mother but my son said that he does not want to appear to be a "snitch". not sure how to handle it, please help!
Hi sofia, oh thats a difficult one, have to say though as a mum I would want to know if it were my son/daughter, the difficult part is your son and his friendship, I do think though this childs mum should know and have the chance to nip it in the bud.
Only my opinion but hope it helps xxx
Hi Sofia, If you decide to tell the boys mother you could try asking her not to tell her son she heard it from you or your daughter.
Hi tiredmum and warmly-single-
Your right of course, I am really quite worried becuase the boy's father is currently very ill in hospital and his mother has been ill in the past. My son isn't very close to the boy anymore but it's the last thing his family needs to hear now. I will give her a call later.
Hi sofia, hope it goes well for you. It must be hard knowing that the father is poorly and mum has been in the past but maybe this is why the boy has started this might be his way of trying to deal with things.
Thinking of you xxx
Sofia, hope you are ok and if you made the call it all went well xxx
I called but the eldest son answered, mother has gone to bed. I will try tomo.
how was your day?
Hi sofia
I wonder if the boy's drinking/smoking is a response to everything that is going on in their family right now? I, too, would want to know if it was my boy. You will have to ask her to respect your confidence as the source of the information.
Hi Louise/ Tiredmum
Called the boy's mother this morning, it was a difficult call. Just alerted her to find out who he is mixing with and what he may be doing, perhaps try and get someone to talk to him. It was heart-rending because she then disclosed that she has a history of depression and has been suicidal in the past. Her husband is very unwell and is demanding of her. Her husband has a social worker and she is receiving psychiactric support. I feel really guilty to have added to her concerns.
Hi sofia
You mustn't feel guilty for letting her know. It may well add to her concerns, but her son needs looking after too. It sounds like he needs some comfort and is seeking it elsewhere.
I hope you get the chance to talk to your son about it again, to thank him for letting you know, you could even discuss why he thinks his friend is doing it and also what your son thinks of it all. Would he try smoking? What does he think of drugs etc. It is very normal for children at their age to start getting into this sort of thing.
I would be careful about how involved you get with this mothers issues, you have a lot on your own plate right now and it would be easy to start being concerned about someone else (because it means we don't have to focus on our own stuff!).
You have done what you thought was right and reported the issue, now back to you!
What are you up to today?
Hi sofia, well done to you for making what must have been a very difficult call but it was the right thing to do, have to say I agree with Anna that you can easily be drawn into other peoples problems which can make you start to feel responsible for them but you do have a lot on yourself. Dpnt feel guilty at all as we all said yesterday we would want to know, what the mum chooses to do with the information is now up to her, hopefully she will ask for some help maybe from socail services as there does seem to be an array of issues for this family.
Hope you are going to have a good day and not dwell on this too much xxx
Your both right of course, not to get too diverted from my issues.
Spoke to my son at length last night about his class mate. We discussed what happens when you make bad decisions and bad consequences. He appeared to be quite receptive, it felt good to speak and listen to him- have not done that for sometime.
A bit worried about my mum, heard from a third party that she is unwell and having tests. I lost my family over my ex and consequent divorce. Alot of damage to overcome, just worry about my kids they deserve better!
Thank you for your support, been feeling really alone since the divorce.
Hi sofia, its good that you and your son had a good talk, I`m sorry that your mum isnt well, it is so hard isnt it when you are alienated from your family, I have had no contact with mine for almost 18 years now, I found out much like you that my father was very poorly and in hospital in 1999 and it was so hard to know what to do as I hadnt seen or spoken to anyone for so long, I did though go to see him in hospital and took my eldest son who had a prior relationship with my parents(it was thier choice to cut us off not mine) if was a very difficult hour when we visited and my son left in tears to sit with my friend, I stayed for the hour and we did make our peace. I was glad that I went as not long after that my father died, I wasnt told until the day of the funeral and had no chance of attending something that I will never forgive. I have 2 brothers and a sister and from that day to this have had no contact at all.
I hope that you can find a way to contact your mum and to make your peace with her too xxx
Oh god, I am really sorry to hear that; it must be very hard to come to terms with that loss but at least you made your peace.
I cared for my mum since I was a teenager but that changed once my divorce proceedings started. Thats when my mum moved out of my house and in with my sister. I dont know how to make the peace, I tried speaking to her during my birthday two weeks ago but she cut me off.
She is the only living parent, I don't want anymore regrets. I just don't want to be rejected by her again.
Sofia, yes it has been very difficult over the years particularly that my mothers birthday is on Christmas day, I really used to struggle with that, big smile on my face for the children but was hurting so much inside.
Could you write to your mum? Maybe the 3rd party who told you she wasnt well could help?
I know just how hard this is for you and it is the thought of beong rejected again that is the most difficult, I guess you have to decide which is more diffcult either to leave things as they are or to give it another go, neither is an easy option.
xxx
Loads of hugs
I know you are right, I spent most of life caring for her it would be stupid to throw that away because she dissaproves of my life choices. I need to this soon, from what I heard she is very ill. It's just I have so much to sort out from the fall out of the divorce. I am doing everything I can to keep it together and this website has been a great support.
xxx
Awwwh sofia, it is hard isnt it, I do hope you find a way to contact your mum and I hope that she listens to what you have to say to her.
One space is really really good for support and great advice.
Thinking of you xxx
I have the school run now but will be back later this evening xxx
chat later.
sun is out, I am alive, I am hopeful.
x
Sofia
Have to echo what the others have said. It was the right thing to do to make the call. Don't get drawn in.....and yes it would be good to contact your Mum. Even if she is not responding, a card to say that you miss her and will always love her and are sorry to hear she is unwell, that would be great.
Are you doing pancackes today then or are you being like me and pretending there are no eggs? 
Hi sofia how are you this evening xxx
Hi tiredmum
Just put the littleones to bed, got to look through the finances- dreading it. Was made redundant end of last year, things are hard. Sorry all i seem to do is moan.
No its not moaning its offloading and thats a good thing!!!!!!
Finances oh yes it is really hard and getting more so by the day I think, everything is going up. You might see my post in the general section I have 2 bithdays coming really soon daughters 18th and sons 10th only 6 days apart and really dont know what or how to do it this time, I am usually able to do birthdays but struggling this time, mind you I have my other 2 daughters as well one 17 and other 21 the day after each other in July!!!!!! Thank goodness my eldest son was born in November!!! ha ha
Feel free to offload, we all do it and we all need to, it is very theraputic xxx
Good luck with the finances, sofia, I always think it is good to really face up to what is what, however hard that may be, burying our heads in the sand doesn't help
Have a look at our Money Survival Kit, which has a great budgeting tool to help you, as well as a lot of information.
With my lot, their birthdays are December, January (8th), and two in February withing 3 days of each other.
I used to buy stuff all year, but haven't been able to this last round of birthdays/Christmas.
But, the children do know I do my best (I hope).
It's the 18th that's difficult, isn't it? I spent £3 on my daughter on a cuddly toy!! She did get some cash a bit later, but I couldn't with her birthday. I managed to get the 12 year old a game in the sales, so well under budget for him.
I've no idea what to suggest. What my son would have liked (but he went away and I had to take him to meet a friend) was banners and a sheet! He didn't get them - although I did do the banners for his 19th (I never did do the sheet).
It has changed this year hasnt it, we all appear to be inthe same boat which does make me feel better
The 18th yes that is the hardest one but banners hmmm think we will give that a whirl, goodness knows what the house will look like but it will be fun xxx
hi all,
i am a gran. YIPPEE . birth went fine. my daughter had a lovely baby girl. those of you who know my story will know how far my daughter and i, we have come , is the best thing that has happen to us. she is doing a wonderful job and i am so proud of her. i would like to say a big thank you for the support and advice to you all.
Awwwwh maria, Congratulations to you all xxx
Congratulations maria!
I'm sure you'll really, really enjoy being a gran.
Best wishes to you all
Wow, Nicola37 I am so impressed. isn't it funny the things they want (the cereal I mean!)
I am very much in favour of written agreements with young people as they know where they stand and also they can't deny having agreed it afterwards, heh heh.
At the moment I am not using the Family Contract but have used it with my eldest. It worked well, and I hope it works for you.
My 16 year old is (obviously) older than your son and so now has two grids blu-tacked to the cupbard door. One is a consequences grid, like a ladder. When we are discussing something he wants to do, and agreeing boundaries such as time to come home etc, we look at the grid and I say so for your part you are agreeing to X and if you do not keep your part of the bargain then you will be on Stage X of the grid. (Stage one is mild and each stage gets more horrid,with time off X Box, grounding and no phone credit) On the rare occasions he gets put on the grid then if he is say on stage two, he has to work his way up to stage one and then off the grid. The other grid is a table I drew up and the first column says "If you are at college or work at......" and the second column says what time he has to be home the night before in each case. If he is not at work/college then of course I allow him out later but if he is has to be at college for 9 the next day then he must be in by 10pm, of course he is a lot older than your son and I have been through a few years of negotations with him.
My son seems to respect things more when they are written down and I hope you will find this with your Family Contract. What I like about it is that we are not just telling them what to do, they can ask for things back from us!!!
Let us know how you get on.