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I have 4 children.
Boy 13, boy 10, girl 7, boy2. I'm finding the eldest really difficult. The middle 2 have hobbies, talk nicely, and apart from the odd blemish are well behaved, lovely kids.
My 2 year old is a typical 2 year old I think, tantrums when shopping or not getting own way etc...
My oldest I am finding so difficult. The thing is I have no patience. I shout straight away and he just shouts back louder. I dread waking him up in the morning, because I know within 3-5 minutes he will have said something nasty to one of the others or tried to boss one of the others around which has resulted in them shouting out or crying for him to leave them alone and I can't stand the noise of them all shouting so I shout because I don't know what else to do. He's been like this for years. I am so exhausted by it that I have lost all patience and control. I dread everyone being in the house together as I just don't stop shouting. Everyone shouts. This is what my nasty violent ex said would happen and it has happened. He said I couldn't control them and that when I shout they will shout back louder and he's right.
If I take them out as a family, even just to the park, it ends up with them shouting or bickering or chasing/ punching each other in the street! I don't want to go to peoples houses as they moan or argue in front of them.
But they are all amazing at school, ahead of their ages, lovely,caring, a credit to home and school are the comments I get from teachers!
I want to raise my oldests self esteem as I know his behaviour is my fault because of my ex but he's not interested in anything except the computer. This is another problem. I ground him when he's badly behaved from the computer but he argues with my punishments, has massive tantrums and then there is no other sanction I can impose because he doesn't do anything else.
The house is not a happy, relaxing place that it should be and it is down to him, if he doesn't get his own way, it's world war 3. I say awful things in my temper like I'm gonna send him to live with his dad(not the violent one, just useless). Or he has to leave the family as he's ruining it. I just don't know how to deal with this but I know it's wrong to say these things. I've tried being nice, I've tried to be tough with sanctions but when he doesn't have the computer because he's grounded he's a million times worse and it's not fair on the others.
Hi I read your post. I had a similar problem. My abusive ex said I would never control my kids, and for a long time he seemed to be right, they had seen him put me dowwn and pay no attention to what I said for years so why should they?!
I found a fantastic technique, which means I don't even have to raise my voice anymore. Don't get me wrong, for 3 weeks it was the hardest thing ive ever done but omg was it worth it!!!
Its called the R's (request, repeat, reinforce/reassure(depending on circumstances) It became very clear very quickly that until my kids saw then when I said something not only did I need to be listened to, but I would ALWAYS follow through on what I said.
You mention the park so I'll use that as an example. The first hit or punch. Stop walking talk one on one, don't shout over to where they are and clearly tell them Do not hit your brother. Then carry on (always act as if you assume it will be followed, a child that knows you are waiting for them to mess up will enevitably mess up) when if they do it again stop talk one on one. say I have told you do not hit your brother. If you do it again we will go home. (give a consequence on the repeat. Then carry on. when/ if it happens again. Stop talk to them one on one say, you were told not to hit your brother, I am very dissapointed. We are going home.
Now they will kick up a real fuss and try to drag you into an argument or try and get you to change your mind. Just carry on do not retaliate to it, you will gain control by them realising you will not argue, you will not justify what you are doing and you will follow through.
It will be really tough as you are having to completly retrain your kids into seeing you in a whole new light. Never get prevoked into an argument or shouting match. If they shout at you walk away and do something else, even if they follow you just ignore it. then the very first time they talk instead of shouting respond! but dont justify.
You can use this for every situation when my son plays up at home I will take his ds for half an hour, if once he gets it back he continues to misbehave (in the same way ) I will take it for an hour, then for the rest of the day. If they do it in a supermarket I will put the crisps or treats back and they dont get, if its bedtime, I will take the night light or close the door. It really is completly versitile.
It was really hard at first but I soon noticed that I wasn't having to follow through all the time, as once told what the consequence was they would behave, then I noticed I wasn't getting to the point of giving a consequence all the time they really were just doing as I said first time because they had learnt I was going to win and they were going to end up doing what I said anyway so why bother dragging it out.
My kids have always been good as gold at school and described as a real pleasure to be around. And now they are like that at home too. Of course they still play up sometimes, they are kids I would be worried if they didn't. Its human nature to push to see where the line is drawn but as long as you show them that line never moves it doesnt take long for them to catch on.
Always remember though, once the event is dealt with ie they have done as they are told or faced the consequence, you MUST forget about it and move on, no holding it against them or bringing it up when they do something else. I really have ound that children don't remember the way we do and once the event is over it is as good as forgotten, we as parents need to retrain ourselves to think the same way. NEVER give a consequence you wont or cant follow through on because the very first time you do, you back at square on because you show them mum can be beat. And when giving consequences always ask yourself first 'is it reasonable' for example if they are playing with something loudly and you say put that away I've got a headache. A child will jump on the fact they arn't actually doing anything wrong and its 'not fair' (we hear that alot haha) that they cant play with it. It is much more reasonable and more likely to be complied with without a fight, if you say take that in the other room if you want to play with it I have a head ache.
Sorry I didn't mean to write so much haha and this is the condensed version lol, I should write a book it would probably have been quicker haha. Hope it helps anyway x
Hi that was a really good post with lots of great tips and a thorough technique, i do thnk this is something that would work.......in my own post I have concentrated on things that would boost anazz's strength as I believe that is the first step if she is so tired and rundown. However, I am fascinated to read all about the three Rs and I can see a lot of uses for it, WOW!
Rheascott83, thanks so much for your advice, I'm defo going to do it and persevere, shouting is such a natural reaction to me now that I'm going to have to train myself not to. It's going to be tough because often it's 2 or 3 of them arguing and you never know who started it as they all have different stories to tell as to who is in the wrong!! They all shout their side of the story at me and I guess that's sometimes why I raise my voice to be heard, not that it does any good.
I've been thinking, the only things they do that are"naughty" are arguing/ fighting/ teasing between each other or not doing chores/ keeping room tidy. Apart from that they are good kids.
Louise, I've ordered that book from Amazon, looking forward to starting it, thanks and the tips on the other thread, I'll email the money expert when I've got time to sit and think properley! Still not sure about GP, dont really trust that they will be any good, I'm not much of a dr person, never go unless it's essential so don't know any as I seem to see different ones each time. Not sure about counselling as I prefer to hear the persons opinion that I'm talking to, that's why I'm liking this, it's good to hear other peoples experiences.
I've contacted scouts for my oldest son. He's moaning but I'm going to show him pics on internet later to try and convince him to try it. Hoping there he might have a positive male role model as he has noone at mo.
Thanks for all the tips, I'll let you know how I get on. hehe!
xx
If you find yourself getting drawn in because you dont know who started it, I would suggest taking a step back waiting for the it was him, it was her to stop. Then give them all a consequence, from your point of view you will know you got the one that did it haha and from their point of view, they will soon learn blaming someone else doesn't help, haha and to be honest, does it really matter who started it haha you can't fight on your own so anyone fighting even if they didnt start it still needs to face the consequence haha
Good Luck xx
Yes you're right. Thanks
Hello anazz
I have just been chatting with you on the other thread.
On that, I made a couple pf suggestions which were to help YOU feel better, This is the first step to being able to handle what is happening with your boy. Please read that post (see here) and the other thing you can do at this stage is to get hold of a copy of one of my favourite books, have a look here
We can help you formulate a plan of action but one thing at a time, read the post on the other thread, buy and read the book and also this article, and then we will be ready for the off! You are not alone now and we will go forward together