This is me and my story

Hi everyone, i am S, i am 21 and have been a single parent to my 4 year old daughter since day one.

I met her father in the summer of 2006, it was a wirlwind summer romance that lasted from July 25th to September 21st. He was alot older than me (27) , but his charm and beauty drew me in. I couldnt belive such a handsom man even looked at me let alone be interested, i was 16 and had never had a boyfriend, i had had ''boy-friends'' if you get what i mean lol. Anyway we were in a bar and because i was more confident back then i gave him my number. He called me seconds later. We met up that night and from then on i was head oer heals. We split on september 21st after i had found out he was a married man with kids. He wasnt from my town so i didnt get suspicious untill i heard him on thephone to his kids. I got so upset and angry and that was the end of that.

I never heard from him again. I later found out the name he gave me was fake and the number i had for him was a diffrent sim card he used only when here working in my town.

In the January of 2007 i found out i was 6 months pregnant and only had till april to prepare. She was due the day after my birthday, April 25. I was in complete denial. I didnt belive i was pregnant and was totaly convinced it was all in everyones heads. I went wild and partied and did what ever i could to just stop thinking about this lump growing in front of me. My family knew before i did and were not angry with me. I come from a teenage mum back ground so they felt for me more than anything else. So i dont know why i was so scared. They were telling me it will all be fine and not to worry, that they would be there for me. I was thinking ''if this is real, then my life is over.'' And they assured me it wouldnt. All my family are extremely well to do and have great careers and their lives are wonderful. Yet because i turned rebelious from aged 11-15 i didnt finish school, so i knew i would never be as happy as they were. I have no GCSE's or anything for that matter. And now not only did i see my future as bleak i also saw the little life i was growing inside me having a rubbish life and having no future. 

I gave birth to my daughter on April 28th at 21:21pm after 21 hours of awful labour, i chose a completly natural labour with just a birthing pool and no drugs. It was a really difficult labour, I had died twice and it got so bad that the midwives wanted to rush me into a hospital in a near by city. My grandma being a doctor refused to let them move me. She said it was looking like both me and my child were dyeing and to move us would be the end. So we stayed. 10 mins later my daughter was born. 7 pound and 10 ounces. She had wavy, jet black hair, dark brown eyes and the longest legs i had ever seen haha. She was beautiful. She didnt cry. she just layed on the towel looking at things around her. I then breast fed her for the first time and felt in love, but then i cried and passed her to the midwife. I didnt want to hold her, i didnt want to see her. I just wanted to leave her with them so i could run away. I got a shower and went to bed. I refused to look at her the whole stay at the hospital. I went ome 2 days later and my mum just cuddled me. she put my screaming daughter in my arms and left the room. About an hour later she came back in the room and i was breast feeding again. I was smiling.

I moved out of my mums house in November 2008. I got my own home and was starting to come to terms with my little family and our new life. I see my mum everyday. She lives 5 mins away and me and my little one are doing good. We are living of income support and we do struggle but we are getting along with our lives quite happily. She will be starting school in September of this year and i will then look for a college place to gve myself and my daughter a wonderful life.

The only downside to all of this is since becoming a mum 4 years ago, i have lost every one of my friends. The only people i see are family. I dont go out and havent been out for 3 years and even then it was to a wine bar with my mum at lunch time. I have still never had a boyfriend and i wouldnt class her father as a boyfriend. I know i have the love of my daughter, but i just want to feel personal love for myself. I dont mean i just want sex, i just want a cuddle. I can get them from my daughter but i am only 21 and i am still entitled to have cuddles when E is in bed instead of sitting there on my own from 7 till about 12 when i go to bed. It gets so lonely, i have lost count of the mount of times i have cried at night.

I have joined parent and toddler groups but the only parents who try to befriend me are always the older mums and dads. Usually 40+. All the girls and boys my age are very diffrent to me. They are all on benefits them selves yet they have perfect hair, clothes shoes ect. They are very fashion concious and have AMAZING houses. My clothes are years old, not to mention baggy since i have gone from a dress size 10-12 to a size 16-18. And my hair is just tied up and usually scruffy haha. My house is in a poor state of repair and the decoration is out dated since i got all my furniture and wallpaper from older reletives. So you can probably imagine the grandma look in my house haha. Its not that im moaning about the older parents, its just that i want friends of my own age that i can go out with and become human again. The younger parents dont even speak to me. I did try to speak to two of the girls there but they just looked at me like i was some weird freak.

I am happy with my family life, but i am very depressed about my personal life. I am on anti-depressants and am struggling with life at the moment. 

The future looks bleak again.