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Hi, ive recently met somebody new (potential partner) and he has asked for a relationship. however i said no as i want to take thngs slowly.
I feel a bit odd that i have interest from a male, as i havent had this type of close contact in such a long time.
Anybody else felt the same?
Also, hes began to try and involve my child into the equation, however i feel like saying 'you leave him alone'. i feel really protective,
thanks.
Hi Pink lilly
Just a short story i promise... a year ago i went through a really bad divorce which has just a month ago ended and it left me with a legal bill of £37,000... i knw ..i knw....anyway i have three children.17...11..2..In the middle of the divorce i met a man....he sounds abit like your young man....i suppose i was feeling insecure and scared of being alone...anyway this guy had a live in job which he didnt like so me being me and i asked the children who seemed to get on really well with him....he moved in but didnt pay the normal utility bills...then he started....but very very little and of course now we are argueing.... i knw find that maybe i have outgrown him...i have asked him to pay more but it leads to arguements...everytime i try to express myself to him....he talks over me.. i feel controlled by him....i hve no friends and my family have drifted away, i suppose thats why i'm looking to start again and make some really good friends...i feel scared of being alone....i'm 42 whose going to look at a single parent like me.I suppose my only advice to you is dont lose yourself and who u are and if u feel u want to say anything that u dnt agree with hust say it. Apart from that....i hope it goes well for you
Hello pink lilly, that sounds like a good idea: don't lose yourself. I often think people tend to move in together while a relationship is in first flush and then can get a shock.
Hi tears for fears, thanks for sharing your story. It sounds as if you feel completely steamrollered. When you say that family and friends have drifted away, is that to do with your relationship, do you think? At the end of the day, no-one can make you do anything and surely it is better to be alone than with someone who treats you with so little respect? And.....you are not going to meet someone else until you are single and have recovered from what has been going on.
Hi Louise. Parents werent pleased that i was in a relationship so quick. Its funny how when you start a new relationship its all very respectful and nice but give it time(months) and it turns to insults...you are right i do need to spend time by myself to find out who i am before i do anything else...as for friends they disaapeared when they knew i was getting a divorce.....i've got so many ideas that i want to do..and i am trying my best with no money but hey lets see..... the partner i was with wanted to consolidate all the debts(including his)and get a remortgage which is under a my name and he said it would be cheaper....ummmm i dont think so somehow and i suppose thats when alarm bells start ringing...
I'm glad those alarm bells DID ring for you, tearsforfears!
Sorry to hear your 'friends' disappeared with your ex husband...it is difficult when people you thought were allies 'take sides' like that. What's your support system like these days?
Spending time on my own when A's dad left taught me so many lessons and really helped focus my energies. If he hadn't gone, my life woulld have been very different, nowhere near as much fun - and I wouldn't know myself half as well as I feel I do now. You're never to old to take time to really aquaint yourself with you 
hi everyone - thank you for the comments. I feel happy that youve reminded me not to lose myself, as this is important for both me and my child.
tearsforfears - i hope things turn out for the better soon enough, i hope to learn fromwhat youcve shared with me, thank you.
Hi pink lilly, great comments from everyone! However I have not heard what you want from a future relationship? It is important that we know what we are looking for, so we don't buy into someone elses dream.
Are you wanting to get married and 'be a family' with a new partner and perhaps have more children or would you like someone to go out with for date nights and giggles? Try and be as honest with yourself as you can. There is no right answer here!
tearsforfears - I love your name!! 
You are not on the shelf at 42! Thats ridiculous, there are so many walks of life out there, people who have never found love and others who have had their heart broken but are wanting something more. Please start loving you more than this and get believing that you have a lot of offer someone and until they come along, you are going to get on with your life and enjoy it. Anything negative you will banish.
hi anna, thanks for the reply. Youve made a valid point, ive made it clear to my new parter (to be) that i want to take things slow, so hes aware of how i feel. I need to think about what it is that i want exactly - but as you said, there is no answer and so this is hard. I see the middle ground with everything :(
1
hi my nam f im single dad i hav one boy 6 yers old im live in cardiff i be single 4 yers so if you want more about me we can chat thanks ?
Note from Moderator
I have removed your personal contact information as this goes against our forum rules, you can chat with other users on the threads.
Hi karim and welcome to One Space, do look around on the other threads and post, look forward to here more about you and your son!
Does you son live with you? have you any hobbies?
thank you for you ansr to me yes my son live with me and i dond have in hoppies i look afr him fur yers alon hes mam move in uk im alon i dont hav in one heer but is ok im strong mam ?
sorry man
sorry man
thank you fur you ansr tis my emill xxxes my son live wiht me and hes mam move in uk i look afr him fur yers alon ?
NOTE FROM MODERATOR - Email address removed.
I shall try and make this brief. Dear Pink lilly u have to do wht you think and feel is right. we can only tell u what our experiences have been but of course your the one in the relationship.
Dear Anna trust me i feel oooooold. Trying to have a spring clean and finding and looking for some really good like long trustworthy friends. I am trying promise.Thank you for the advice. I suppose one valuable lesson i learnt was to trust my instincts and go with it.
Hi pink lilly, the middle ground is a good thing, as long as it is what you want! Just listen to yourself. If the new partner says something and you feel your body going a bit uncomfortable, it is probably because you want to disagree but are perhaps finding it hard. A good phrase is 'I'll think about what you said'
As he is a potential partner, as this point in time, it makes sense to just go out and have some fun - see if you like him like him (if you catch my drift) rather than just fancy him.
Hi karim, welcome to One Space, you have a 6 year old boy! So I am guessing he is in his second year at school. Does he like school? Your email address has been removed as it goes against our forum rules. Please do not add it again. Thanks
Hi tearsforfears, you might be feeling old at this instant, but YOU ARE NOT OLD!! So pu-lease remind yourself that you are at the beginning of a new journey. How old are your children?
there 17, 11 and 2. The 17 years old has just his his teens and discoered he hates me and lives with his dad. Funny about a year ago he was the most placid easy going respectful boy bit now his personality has completely changed, now we have agreed not to speak to each other again. But like they say when you hit rock bottom there is only one way you can go and that is up...thats where i am heading....i think. Thank you for your kind words
Hi tears for fears, what a shame things are bad between you and your eldest at the moment. You have decided to have some silence between you for the moment. Can you see this going on indefinitely or do you think he would respond to a nice card in the post just saying that you will respect it if he wants some space but that you love and miss him and will be there for him if he wants. Boys dont suddenly change like that without a reason, what do you think is going on for him? What sort of relationship does he have with his dad?
Hiya Louise. He has a good relationship with his dad. My eldest has taken to swearing at me and has done this twice and to carry on speaking to him would mean that i accept his language and he will do it again and again. My eldest is going through a stage where he wants to break all rules i have and generally disrespect me. I'm not that sort of person...i knw sometimes we have to do and say things that wouldnt want to do and i accept that..but this time he has gone too far. Funny i was thinking how many family members and friends i have to talk to...i could count this instantly...zero...it must b me......i know i have a sharp tongue and at times its justified at other times its unacceptable and i knw that but i have to set myself standards and being sworn at by a child i hve sacraficed alot for is not right...its heartbreaking but feel maybe this is a way for me to start again. I will always love him and be there for him but he's taken a certain something from me by swearing..as for the relationship i am currently with...the one who wants to "consolidate everything" we are going away to the peaak district in a couple of weeks....i shall revaluate everything then and i have to say it feels like a quiet christmas because i cant see myself with him much longer....funny though he seems to be pushing for the the consolidation loan....its a control thing and ive text him to say i think its a bad idea and we should hold of for a while(a year at least)...im not doing it in anyway...i have fought to hard for this house and its the childrens security..wheres my knoght in shining armour when i need him.....
We are here!! 
Hi tearsforfears, I am sorry to hear about the relationship breakdown with your eldest. I think Louise's idea to write a letter is brilliant. There can be no arguing about what was said, it can be factual and true to the heart.
What has been going on for him? Our young people often lash out at their nearest and dearest, him swearing is his way of expressing his anger. Swearing is the mask that he is using to hide his hurt feelings, not being able to find the words to express that he feels hurt or disrespected in some way.
I think your plan to not consolidate at this time, its a good one, as you say it is yours and your childrens security.
Thank you Anna and Louise. I might take your advice and write a letter. Enough abt me now its your turn??children...how many?wht neck of the woods do u guys live. U sound like u have a blast.....
Hi tears for fears, I was reading your post about you feeling isolated and it made me feel sad. Maybe that is one thing you could be thinking about: spreading your wings and nmaking new friends. (here's an article about it, click to see)
Anna and I are two of the workers on the moderating team (Sally and Mary are the rest of the team) I am the old lady of the team as my boys are now 23 and 18. I became a single parent when they were 8 and 3. We have had some rough tmes along the way but we have had some wonderful ones too.
I have every empathy with you dealing with a teenage boy, as I am sure you can imagine. Maybe writing to him about how you feel would be a good idea..make it clear that bad language is not acceptable in your house but that you still love him and want to build bridges.
Hi Louise. Thank you for your kind words... its good to know a bit about you...i'm sure u would agree when the tough or rough times come along we all feel like we are the only ones suffering it. I think writing to my son will only make his head even bigger then it is at the moment....but give me time to think about it.This itime next year Louise i'm determined that life will be better and happier..what do you think
Well it is up to you how you decide to proceed about your son....I guess my take on it is that a cocky manner in a young person is often to hide a lot of hurt.
Yes, that is a great way to look at it, tears for fears, one year hence you will look back at this time and reflect on how much your life has improved. When you are struggling on day to day, it's important to keep this in mind, the longterm goal.
So, what about the SHORT term? what plans for the weekend?
Hiya Louise.I like your thinking. For the weekend i'm doing a car boot with the children and soon to be ex boyfriend....weather is supposed to be ok so might as well earn some money and have a laugh in the process....What about you what are your plans for the weekend?
Hi tearsforfears i really feel for you, i to have recently had some similair issues with my teen son, i found that reconnecting with him was key in improving our relationship, finding any excuse to touch or show affection, i would leave post it notes thanking him for something that he had done, or pointing out his good qualities, and trying to spend time doing something just for him.
I know that this can be difficult when their behaviour is horrendous and we don't always want to be around them, but i have found the "if you can't make it, fake it" saying really helps at these times.
Goodluck with your car boot, have you done this before?
Hi Sally. My eldest lives with his dad...and has discovered parties and friends..we hardly see him and when we did spk he would be rude beyond belief...he seems to have the attitude that he's invincible and really sometimes its good for them to learn there own lessons in life much as we like to protect them butif they carry on thinking they are invincible then let him be...i think anyway.
I have done a carboot before just getting rid of things we dont really need and having a good clear out and getting a bill paid at the same time.... How about you? what you doing at the weekend?
Hi All. Just thought i'd vent my frsutration. Soon to ex boyfriend just wants to argue all the time just wearing me down...constant argueing...shouting....all of his insecurities...no more car boot for tomorrow....when am i going to be content with life....wheres my knight in shining armour....wheres my Richard Gere...wheres my smile gone... am i ever going to smile...wheres my life gone....sorry people
Feel for you. I have done the same in the past - ie got into relationships too soon. Then wondered why they didnt work out. Some of it was me and some was them. The one thing I tried to do was to learn from each experience. It might be a bit cynical but when you get to a certain stage in life ie 30's/40/50's it becomes increasingly difficult to find someone who doesnt come with 'baggage' whether it be emotional, children or financial or if u really pick badly all 3!!! lol However love/lust can be blind as we tend to figure out. The happiest I have been, at the risk of sounding vain and arrogant, was when I stopped looking for a relationship and started learning to love myself. And if I didnt love myself then I worked on those areas I didnt like about me. There is also the addage if u dont love yourself how can you expect someone else to?? Good luck with Richard Gere - he might be just around the corner or you might have to wait a few years. Yeah you might have a few lonely years but if you use the time productively (sometimes easier said than done) then you will be a better catch and hopefully caught by a better fisherman with a bigger boat - use that euphamism how u like!!! lol. Enjoy the evening
Allcharlie your alright...gotta spend time with myself i think...gotta knw me
It sounds vain but its the best bloody thing. This may sound patronising and not meant that way but I had to be taught this. Get to know yourself and what u want, look at the type of pple you go for in a relationship - I know a woman whom I met (as friends) years ago and she always went for the same type - then wondered why they kept going wrong. I suggested this and the light went on in her head. She is now very happily married. Not saying this to sound big but was just glad to help. Both men and women can be codependant and that in itself can lead to problems. I aint an expert in these things and you could find out more by looking into codependancy in relationships. Think it might help you to spot pple like that. Seems as tho the man u refer to wants u to help solve his problems (but masked this) and understandably u fell for that as u were vulnerable/lonely after coming out of a long term relationship. Yeah life can be rough on your own but you will be a much better person for it. Good luck :-)
I think your right....allcharlie were did u crop up from.....im trying to make new friends...friends that you can trust and rely on friends you cry and laugh with..do you know what i mean
Oh yes - friends like that are hard to come by. But my faith in humanity has not been totally shattered. There are lovely pple out there, its just that there seems to be more than a fair share of merchant bankers!! Not sure what exactly u mean by 'where did u crop up from' and u may regret asking this, but originally brought up in the north (Manchester) moved down south (near Guildford) in my early twenties and after a little jolly in Spain for just short of four years have settled back down in the UK again. Had more than my fair share of relationship disasters - some of my making and then hit on this learning programme, as I started to focus on me rather than others if that makes sense. Didnt have any friends in south when I moved dwn and most of 'mates' were met down the pub, which is not always (in fact rarely) the best place to meet pple. So I had alot to learn. Anyhow enough of me what about u???
For someone in there Twenties you show maturity..Me i'm 42 years old, three kids and live near Heathrow..i think wherever you go its genrally lonely if you don't have the right pple around you..I'm afraid its much the same round here. Wht abt you?? kids??? where abouts in Spain did you go? I've been to Mojocar and Marbella..What made you join this site
Sorry dont think I made myself clear - I moved down here in my twenties but that was over 20 years ago. I am a 'lickle' bit (two years) older than you. Just cant bear to write 44 - oh no I have gone and done it!! lol. Yeah know what u mean about loneliness but got goodish group of friends now. I have 2 kids, one daughter with ex wife - lots of problems - and 3 yr old boy with ex girlfriend. Latter is a good 'relationship' - we get on well and still working at our friendship and perhaps being a family again if it works out.
With regards to Spain I probably lived in the middle of the two u mentioned in Nerja and around that area. Know 'Marbs' wellish though - Orange Square and all that. Last time I was there was last November and it was wetter there than it is here at the moment!!! Never been to Mojacar though. Further east I really got to was Granada, which I loved both for tourism and the skiiing. Great place.
Not sure how I found this site to be honest. Stumbled across it and read some of the discussion boards and it just seems a good way to reach out. Deal with some of my 'issues' and hopefully help others. I like making friends (read 'nosey') - I think I have got a Forrest Gump naivety about me but I like it. For all the a**es in the world I want to do my bit to reverse the seeming trend!!
It seems there are alot of women on here and most have gone through their traumas and I want to do my bit to show we men arent all a**es but also there are a few bad women as well. My ex is/was like Tracey Barlow if u watch Corra but she only went that way when she found drugs. I have a good hunch when she is using heavily as her manner/behaviour changes. Still it all makes life a bit more interesting doesnt it?? Although i would rather not learn about such things. If it helps you any i read your posts and was a very wayward teenager to my mother. I can acknowledge that now and put her through hell. We have a good relationship today and sometimes you have to cut the tie which is what u were suggesting u had done. Sometimes we have to put our hand in the fire to learn it is hot. its a shame we dont always learn from our elders but we have to make our own mistakes. Crazy really. My two nephews are the same I keep trying to steer them when i see them, but they know better. Hmmmmmm lol
Allcharlie. You seem like a really nice father...funny i was reading some of your post where you were asking for advice on you ex taking your daughter out of the country without your permission. I hope you and your first ex girlfriend get together and hope this friendship progresses into you guys being a family.At the moment my focus seems to be on working hard and getting ahead in life as working as a part time receptionist just isnt getting me far towards paying the bills....thinking about setting up my own business....listen to me....as if.....the banks wont touch me...terrible at maths and finally the main point NO MONEY...lol but when did that ever stp me.
Lol - thanks for that will take as a big compliment. I really am not trying to be an a**e with my ex but it does seem pointless in having rules in Court Agreements if they can be blatantly flaunted - it wasnt just this one she broke she broke lots and yet no real deterrent. I believe what my ex was trying to do was break me financially and she almost achieved that. Then I saw sense. I wasnt going to win no matter how morally and possibly legally correct i was. Apparently Social Services are involved again and everything I have been saying for last nine years is slowly being vindicated. Frustrating that I have to sit back and watch but have learnt that is what I have got to do. I cant live my life for other pple.
What business are you thinking of doing? I set up my own business just under six months ago and holding head above water. I am doing Hlth and Safety stuff. Bit boring I guess but I am enjoying it. I struggled to open a business account with the Bank because of an alleged bad debt. I challenged it - it was overruled and I got account. I also (through word of mouth) got a really good accountant. He encourages me to do my own accounts (saves me money) and always seems to have time for me with my incessant questions. Think about successful women and a lot have been one parent mothers. It can be done. You have to have belief, work bloody hard (which u r used to anyway) and I guess some good fortune with the 'product'. I didnt have any money and was actually overdrawn but didnt need much either.
Hello guys
all charlie, it sounds soooooo frustrating waiting for the Social Services procedures. Still, the mills of God and all that? Interesting to read about your travels.
tears for fears, I am glad you are finding some online friends here. As for you relationship, it seems your decision is the right one! And being on your own is the VERY BEST medicine while you learn about you and what you want out of life (and maybe get some time to think about that business venture?)
I am not a believer in knights in shining armour, not that I am a spoilsport but we OURSELVES (whether men or women) can make our own future and decsions. Having a lovely partner by our side is a massive bonus, but the only person who can "rescue" us is ourself!
Now I am about to recommend one of my favourite books to you. It helps you work out patterns in your past relationships and decide what you DO want and how to move forward. Here it is (click to see)
No carboot, so what instead?
slob day i feel........
Allcharlie
Thinking of running..... wait for it... my own mobile sandwich buisness (exciting i know). Have i got a van.....no..going to try and run it(if i can)from my car as a new van costs £4,000. Going to see and ask if i can make the sandwiches from my small kitchen which barely has space to swing a cat but hey it is what it is......looks like a nice day today
Very quick update. Dghter will not go back to her mum and new husband. Not sure why but staying with relative. Social Services and police involved. Going to see her shortly and maybe spend time with her. Think (pray) of me and her - this could be the answer to all I have been asking for. Hope you all have a brill day!!!
Will speak later and discuss the business.
Allcharlie good luck and defo pray for u. Look all you need to show s servicesis which is what I and everyone else can tell is that your a brill dad(which u sound like) and her rightful place is with you...you have your own place?? business and can give her the stability love she clearly wants and you have....have a wonderful day....why am i so excited for you......go...go...go
Good luck allcharlie.
Hi. Just wondering if its normal to just have a quiet day. Soon to b ex has just had a go at me when i said nothing then while we were sat in his car on way to b&q he just tells me off for not sayin g the right thing to me i then ask him to stop the car and i walk home... apparently i dont say the right thing. I am my own person and cannot conform to what other people want me to be. Surely this is wrong surely
dnt know why but soon to b ex has just accused me of cheating for joining this site talking to men and claiming i was not a single parent. Last time i checked i was divorced not engaged...not married....why oh why do i feel dirty when i hvent done anything wrong.
As hard as it is, and I have to admit to being rubbish at it, you need to shrug it off. It's nothing to do with him now.
And a dating site this certainly is not...
Allcharlie r u ok? worried about u....how did you get on? how was your daughter?
Quick update and will try to post later. Just got in!! Long story but took dghter to Legoland and we had a good day!! Her mum has not even enquired as to how she is. She had no clothes and has had to borrow them from her mums sisters children. So we went and bought her new clothes.
Tearsforfears does your current partner know he is on his way out??? I guess he is feeling very insecure and this is driving his behaviour - not saying his behaviour is correct but he is obviously a very unhappy individual. I think the sooner it ends for the two of you probably the better but also understand that things are not always that simple.
Re: my daughter - I desparately need help on how to proceed. Apparently police and SS are meeting on Monday. I am being left out of equation because daughter has been brainwashed in to believing I dont care for her/love - this is her words in front of ex wifes family. Understandibly I need to get SS and police believing that I am not how I have been portrayed and that dghter has a future with me. Ex wifes sister has said she is willing to let my dghter stay with her whilst I rebuild up relationship with dghter which is fine by me, but I dont know whether to try and contact SS/Police to try and make sure I am involved in any meeting. Advice please!!!! :-)
Allcharlie. How old is your daughter? i think its going to be a hard long patient process for you to gently convince your daughter you ove her and try and stay neutral and not do what her mother has been doing because that will only lead to confusion. Your daughter must have a socail worker allocated to her.Allcharlie you have to know that surely its socail services that have taken your daughter away from her mother and NOT from you. This is the bit where you have to be calm..level headed and show socail services that you are a caring father who is deeply concerned...socail services will log your every word and how you sound...be calm and concerned and worried about your daughter. Is your own family around to help? firstly you need to find the allocated socail worker and have a talk to him or her and be quite clear that you want to be in any meeting that concerns your daughter regardless of when and where it is....also if you can what are the chaances of your daughter staying with you....listen to evil(ex says)me. I wish i could help. I dont think the police are going to be able to give you much apart from its been reffered to socail services.. socail services will talk to your daughters schooland what her attendence is like and what she is like generally like and i think they see what her medical records have been like and how often (if any) she has been to her gp's and for what. I say this because i work at a gp's Oh keep a log of all the people you speak to. Can you trust the ex's sister after all her loyalty is going to be with her sister??? just a thought.. Let me know if i can be of any help.
Allcharlie.just a thought why dont you contact the police and ask who the allocated s/worker is or a number. If there is a meeting maybe socail services are under the impression from your ex that your not around...Monday doesnt give you alot of time if any to find out where this meeting is...does the ex's sister know where and at what time...your opinion is important and your presence is important too. Sorry i will leave you alone now i know your probably worried
Hi pink lilly
It is nice to know that you are turning heads
and I know you have been feeling lonely. There is nothing wrong with taking things slowly if that is what you want. However, I would say that you are right to be cautious about your little one, it is hard if a child gets attached to a new adult and then they leave their life, so maybe try to see him when you are child free or at least after your boy has gone to bed. What do you think?