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Hi Anna,
I do think to a point he is making me feel sorry for him, he has been to the doctors this week has a recurring stomach problem, which flares up when he stressed/worried. Know I should not still have the caring feeling towards him, but that is me a natural caring person. I will still have caring feelings for him 20 years from now.
Will see if the local library has the book, just finished by last book.
I hate having all these emotions just going around and around, back to crying at the drop of a hat again. Will try to give him a gentle nudge into sorting the house, finances, etc out, I know once they are sorted I will be able to see a path forward without him, but its all most like he is edging his bets that he can come back if nothing gets sorted.
Dont want to think no more, need a bit of fun in my life.
M
Hi
Just another rock bottom roller coaster today. I wrote EX a letter telling how I am feeling and that he needs to sort whatever is going on, as he is confusing me and the kids. Said we need to get stuff sorted.
Sat a work thinking about what I said and I thought he just trying to control me and if I want to stop then I need to take control back. So here goes - whatever bill is in joint name I will be changing, he can now either change the others or keep paying dont mind really. If the Bint has binned him thats his problem and not mine. So heres to having the old me back with a bit of fight.
M
Good for you Eeyore. You're the one calling the shots, and let him be aware of it! What he is doing is not fair on the children either. I know you said that you are willing to sit and listen and be a shoulder to cry on etc, but it's not like you're years down the line with this, so I actually think, you shouldnt be offering him this 'shoulder'. Its his life, he's an adult, let him sort it, or talk to his friends about his situation.
Nice to hear that you have the old you back. Of course you'll have setbacks, but you're a strong lady, and lots of support is here for you.
Take care
Alison
x
Hi Eeyore 73
Sorry to hear that you are still on the rollercoaster and can't seem to get off, but it is totally understandable and early days yet.
It sounds good that you wrote that letter and feel like you are taking back control of your life (even if it only feels like baby steps, they are steps after all)
Your message also made me think about how we tend to look after others and care about others, but actually WE, ie YOU need some looking after, you have had your life turned upside down and been deserted and left holding the babies. So maybe the TLC that we offer others is actually the TLC that we are craving for ourselves...just a thought.
Have you had a read of the thread, The best thing about being a single parent is? It might brighten your day!
Hi All,
There was a bit of the old me back yesterday afternoon. He took the kids out for the day using the car, so I said if I needed him to collect me from work I would phone him - anyway neighbour picked me up, only been in the house 10 minutes when they all walk in. I said is that for the day 4pm only came back as we didnt know if you wanted picking up!!! So I just snapped back, said a day means a day and tea means tea. Off he went in a huff (poor him not).
When he arrives back with the kids I asked how the docs appointment went, told to keep taking the tablets and if no better next week go back. Then is could be stress related - to which I just looked at him and said what the f*** have you got to be stressed about. Oww the hurt puppy look. I wouldnt mind but the sh*** been seeing my doctor. It was nice to have a bit of fight back in, suppose I just got to stop feeling sorry for myself and start to take control. Cant believe how quickly 2 months have gone.
K hope you are having a swell Haven hol. The week I was away from work couldnt sleep, up early. Now back to work feel like I could sleep for a week, or is it because I finally decided to control my life.
Have a good day everyone.
M
PS L (11) has been asking some questions about her Dad and the Bint, which I cant answer - is it wrong of me to say that she has every right to know and if she wants the answers she must asked her dad.
Hey hey Eeyore73, sounds like you are finding your feet again!
Keep taking it easy on yourself, a few early nights perhaps, separating from partner, parenting alone, working and searching for self can be quite exhausting!
I think you were absolutely right what you said to your daughter, you can't answer for him. Do you think she will ask her dad?
Hi Anna,
Taking it easy, but really want to get the house in order now, think after 2 months of just not really caring need to get things done.
L sent a message from my phone last night to EX saying she wanted to talk, her arrived at the house saying what did I want to talk to him about. I said that is was L, so he then put 2 and 2 together about the rest of the message that was sent.
She did ask him, all she got out of him was that things were not going as he had wanted them to. This has confused her a bit more now, so another thing I am going to have to tackle him on.
Hi Eeyore73
That was interesting that he came over when he thought you wanted to talk to him.
I would also feel proud of your daughter for being bold/brave enough for asking him these questions, a shame though that he couldn't really answer them for her. It sounds as though he really doesn't have a clue about what is going in his life at the moment.
Refreshing your nest! Always a good sign that life is improving! Are you going to have a major spring clean ie, throwing lots of stuff away or serious skirting board dusting? Or are you talking painting and re-arranging furniture??
It was interesting that he turned up to talk to me, when L had made it clear it was her on my phone. Maybe he wanted to talk?
L is brilliant she is so much like me, once she has the bull by the horns she doesnt let go. She has been texting him today to see what is happening, she did find out EX and Bint are not together. She asked if he regretted what he had done and did he want to come home - EX had the common sense to say its not the right time to discuss this, which strangley enough I have given him credit for - no its not the right time as he himself does not know in his own mind what he wants to do. I have told him he needs to talk to someone to find out what he wants from life now whether that means coming home at some point or going it alone. But until he is sorted then my future can not start.
Refreshing the nest is doing a bit of everything, general tidy and chuck out, rearranging furniture and decorating.
Well you don't have to wait around for him to get sorted out, you can't live in the limbo of his indecision, I would be inclined to get on with doing what YOU want to do. After all, if he does come back it will be on your terms so make your new life and he will have to fit into it.
I hope L and J are Ok with what is going on, it is hard for them with all the insecurity. I was thinking that if you did just carry on regardless of him then they would know where they were at home, even if their dad is still elusive
hi i'm 24 n a single mum of 2 .......
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Anna, One Space moderator
Hi Eeyore
I have to say that the last time The Git had the children it was for a week in August 2007.
However... His week was from Tuesday 6pm to Friday 6pm...
He never feeds them.
Duplicate message, please find original here:
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Thanks Anna, One Space moderator
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Hi M
well you know im back from my break away in Haven, oh my god never again!!! caravan was lovely and new but just not my kind of break away,being scottish i need some sun sea and sand on my body from time to time...Anyway looks like ive missed loads since i went to Haven,although txting each other i know your side of things but i agree with what all the other ladies have said,you know that! He is playing mind games with you he wants your sympathy but i know your not stupid and i know your working through this at your pace..im just a txt away as you know.
Im feeling ok now about A,was a bit p*ssed off when i got my email from him telling me he was flying to Belize on a wks sunshine holiday via New York...to collect and meet his sh*g nasty no doubt,she is american after all!! I think he thinks im stupid though telling me it was a last minute booking doh!! he left my house last sunday at 1130pm and was on his flight and emailed me from his blackberry at 828am not bad considering he would have a 2hr check in before hand as well so in a space of say no more than 6 hrs he had surfed the net,booked a wks holiday,packed,slept and got to the airport in time to book in...my big fat backside! this must have been planned and booked before hand.
Anyway i dont care now, he can go where he likes, when he likes with who he likes.He promised to stay in touch with the boys and me via email and txts and so far we have had 4 txts and the boys dont even get seperate txts they get the same message!! He's annoyed me anyway cos as you know he has a lawyer now and they are trying to worry me by sending me letters saying if i dont adjust the agreement he stupidly signed up to then he would take me to court and divorce me!! thought this muppet was going to divorce me anyway? i only need him for his money the now while i get my career on track while i get myself through college...i think its the least i deserve to get considering i have been married to him 18 years and with him 19,brought up the boys single handed most of the time and worked part time jobs where and when i could through the years! I had already decided to cut the payments anyway but im inclined to let him take me to court so i can have my say about everything this man has put me through and what i have given up to be with him and care for our children..Im over him , if he hadnt changed then of course i would still love him but he has and i dont so i have to stop living in the past and look now into the future..just not too far a head of myself cos i tend to get to far down the line and panic and think im going to be on the breadline and homeless when in fact i didnt get my degree in fortune telling so i need to chill out and play things as they are dealt to me one day at a time...
right im off to txt you again cos im getting worried you havent replied to my last 1 and i know M and the kids were due back at 6pm.
ah its good to be back in the comfort of others who know the crap we are going through...i missed all your inputs!
Kx
Hi K,
Thanks for being worried about me. He brought the kids back and asked if he could use the computer, when he finished he just sat here, you are right should start charging him standing and sitting fees. So I just jumped to it, and asked what was going on seem to be doing that alot lately. They are not together but still in contact, so I said that he really had to talk to someone to sort what is going on in his head out. The way to look at it, can you see yourself with the Bint in 30 years time or see yourself with me. Then I asked how he would feel if I said I had met someone. I really dont know!! - that seems to be what he is saying a lot lately. Anyway it boils down to he has been feeling different about me for the last 5 years, when he thought I did some sexual act, on my friends boyfriends as we were all sat on the bed and he was passed out!!! As I told him and he knew this from day one, I hate the idea of cheating, it turns my stomach, I had chosen him and as far as I was concerend he was the only man for me.
So I have done the hardest thing so far, I have told him that he has till the end of May to see someone, and find out what he wants from the future, and that I want all his stuff out of the house by then as well. He has just texted saying he needed the kick up the arse. I had to walk out the house at this point thank god for understanding neighbours.
I know some of you are going to say another 6 weeks of undecision isnt helping, but I have given him this time because I know he needs it and at least I have taken a little control back. 2 months have flown by so 6 weeks will to, anyway it gives me another school holiday to have a breakdown in if nothing else.
K soo glad you are back on line - in more way than one.
Hope everyone has enjoyed the sunshine.
Mx
Hello Eeyore 73
I think setting a deadline sounds a good idea. At least it is imposing some sort of control, which feels good to you.
Hope the return to school goes Ok this morning!
Hello surplus
Good to have you back and I am sorry you didn't enjoy your holiday 100%. You sound as if you are really sorting out what you want to do with your future, way to go!
Just a gentle reminder, I have had to edit your last post a bit as some of the language was outside the site rules; as a moderator I have to enforce this so if you ever see asterisks in your posts, that is why :-)
Message from moderator:
Post removed as it was not a continuation of thread. Please find original thread at: http://www.onespace.org.uk/your-talk/forums/single-mum-north-yorkshire#comment-24067
Hi All,
I am offically a muppet, got J ready for school. L sorted for the day. Drove all the way to school, thinking we must be really early as we hadnt seen anyone got all the way there and school didnt start back until today. LOL Everything went well this morning anyway. Back to doing the normality of school runs and clubs.
Well since having the discussion with him Sunday evening I do feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can now see some light at the end of the tunnel. He called in Monday has agreed to talk, he is starting with his Mum, but asked if I could text him the counsellors numbers like I did before. Said it would be wise not to contact either me or the Bint for this week, he agreed after saying he is not contacting her anyway, so we will see what happens.
Think I have started to get the tough northern girl back in me. I am not going to let him just walk all over me for anything anymore. It all has to be sorted by the end of May otherwise I will be taking legal advice. I did find myself walking round tesco yesterday strangley attracted to the security guard, maybe it was the uniform.
Hope all are ok, and enjoying the weather another beautiful day in Devon. Take care
M
Uniforms so attract me too, normally bus drivers I have to confess. haha
Hi surplus, welcome back, so Haven wasn't all sun, sea, sand and candyfloss then? Bad luck, it sounds as though you are finding it good to be home though. It also sounds as though you are feling stronger and more resolute, well done you!
Eeyore73 you keep away from those security men!! Ha ha, only joking, it is good have old feelings rise up to the surface, it reminds you that life is not over just yet!
I agree as well that it is good that you have seet a deadline. I hope that you are not pinning your hopes on anything, however I get the feeling that it more about getting him to sort himself out rather than you two getting back together, am i right?
Hi
I know this was posted a few months ago but this is where I am now. My ex has cheated and is now with this girl but I still love him and would take him back. He was unsure for so long that I kept thinking he would come back. Now he told me its over he is with someone else and get over him. But we have 2 children together that are a constant reminder of us together and I don't feel I can move on
Hello claire 0508
It is fine to revive a thread, as it so relevant to your situation right now. I see on the other thread that you called the Samaritans, I was glad about that as they are fab and always there, at whatever time of night.
Your head might know one thing but your heart says another. I won't pretend that it will be a quick process but you will get there. The children you have together will always link the two of you and it is about trying to separate him as a partner from him as a father, which can be very hard to do.
It is really important to look after yourself right now. There is a book which can help you, "Putting Children First" by Karen and Nick Woodall, available from amazon orm play.com. The first section of the book is about the break up of a relationship and is very insightful.
Keep posting, we are all here for you
Hi Claire 0508
Be kind to you. It can take a while to get your head around things and start to move on.
I hate that phrase!! Yet I seem to use it more and more.
As you come to terms with it, you will find that you are getting on with your life and enjoying your children. That link will always be there, and there will be times that can be hard, but that's something that can't be changed.
Take care of you. Take you and the children to a park, sit on a blanket and watch them play. I still do that and it does make me smile.
Hello
I am just bumping this topic back to the top of the Relationships section as I think it is so helpful to people going through this situation 
Oh.....I am doing this as well...looking to see if they are wearing wedding bands....( I'm glad I'm not the only one).
I do know however, that there would be no way on God's earth that I'd ever take mine back, as I couldn't go through all these awful feelings again, and I KNOW I would never ever trust him again!
( But I am only on week 3)
Oh, and is there a way of seeing posts you've made? ( Only if I write in more than one, the way my head is at the moment, I can't remember which ones I've posted in)
Hi mich. I'm not sure about the post thing. I'm guessing though if you set the profile thingy to e.mails, then each time you've posted, and someone replies, it appears in your e.mail box. Louise will tell you for definate though tomorrow.
Hope you're having a good evening. Take care. xx
Hey, thanks for bumping this topic back up...
It is a difficult one... I gotta say I was more willing to get back with the ex a couple months ago... One of the reasons I found Onespace - I was looking for a chat room of some kind... which onespace provides but it's not live chat.
But... couple months ago logged into an old game acount on Kongregate and had never used those chat rooms much before cos they're full of kids!! haha. But, have somehow found a game with a room full of mostly adults (lol) and they're all nice and I can chat with them daily and it fills that void of communication and attention that being single kind of comes with. Especially if you're single and have to spend your evenings in on kid duty.
... I have found it too addicting and been on when i really should be playing with kids - have stopped that now!! of course;) but it's nice to have a place to chill from lounge etc.
It has also meant that ex has stayed over and I've been able to completely, happyly ignore him and do something he hated me doing. communicate via the internet.
So yeah... and I can see him more properly now - his behaviour and moods haven't magically gone away. he is still the same ass who ends up sleeping in McDonalds toilet from too much drink. ... actually finding this emotional distance from him is making it harder to spend time with him and kids... questioning whether i can trust him overly with kids alone too... and with mother on stress leave and me waiting to be homeless... feels like all the walls are crumbling. but hey ho. I still have my chat:)
so yeh... i think it's important to fill the void leaving your ex will create... otherwise it's too easy to go back.
Hi Mich
Yes, having your trust betrayed is one of the hardest feelings in the world, I know. It's good to read about other peoples' experiences as it can reassure you that what you feel is normal and that you're not the only one who has gone through it. Look after yourself.
Re posts you have made, click on My Profile at the top right hand of the page, then on the Edit tab. Go down to the section where it says Email notifications. Tick the box. Then immediately below that it says Receive comment notification emails. Set that drop down menu to All comments. Hope I have explained this OK.
Hi JaneHope
It's interesting that you talk about being willing to consider getting back with him a while ago, I do believe that loneliness can prompt this. I was the one who ended my marriage and knew that it was 100% the right thing to do. Yet twice I drove to his flat and sat outside in the car, only just managing not to ring the doorbell and say come back home, not because I wanted HIM but because the upheaveal and loneliness were almost unbearable. Thankfully I remained in the car, my life went from strength to strength and it was defintely the right decision.
Glad to hear you have found a chat space that is giving you some interaction; you're obviously more than aware about it not taking over from Things You Have To Do. It's a good idea to monitor how he is with the children and see if you feel happy about that, too.
Thanks Hazeleyes ans Louise...actually I think i'll write them down, as he has access to the main pop server emails and will probably read the threads....( I'm not good with computer tech, as HE is a Technical Director, and of course he did all the house computers for us)...
Does anyone else suffer with anxiety attacks? I find that I wake up in the night with a quickly beating heart and tingly hands and arms....
At least I am working tomorrow....as I find that what was once my lovely home, is now nothing more than a house filled with painful memories that I want to leave behind.
My son has that type of anxiety attack. He's started to bring his quilt with him and sleeping on my bed with me when they happen and I can calm him down.
With my panic attacks I hyperventilate. And just feel a plonker after! Had a good one on Wednesday...
Isn't funny how a home quickly becomes 'just' a house?
I used to have panic attacks, Mich, during my divorce and on and off for a while afterwards. I know many people say they go hot during attacks but I used to go stone cold during mine and have to have a hot bath
Sorry if this sounds like an episode of The Waltons but....your home will be wherever you make it. True.
Hey Mich,
I haven't had panic attacks this time. But my ex boyfriend before the kids dad did leave me in panic attacks just going down same streets that I'd walked with him down in past...
That internet set up would bug the hell out of me! Would feel constantly spied on!
It does sound like there's going to be lots of changes for you and things will get easier and better, as some kind of normality is regained *hugs*
Do you have a method for coping with your panic attacks?
And... I'm always losing my posts on here... I have the email sending me messages and stuff but.. I get all the 'welcome to the daytime chat' replies so that's like 20 emails a day? so i don't check em link wise! Just try and remember the subject and find post again!! :)
*woops - is that really the time? *goes to bed quick*
Hi JaneHope,Louise, sparkling,etc. Just got back to this post..( I don't get emails messages with posts just in case they can be seen...so yes, I lose track of posts too)...
I just try to remain as calm as I can and steady my breathing, it does help a bit...I didn't have one last night/ this morning at least..
I think it's all because I'm in 'Limbo' at the moment and so can't really get to focus on things just yet...It IS still early days though...
Hi Mich, good to hear that you didn't have a panic attack yesterday, have you ever read this article about Panic Attacks from Mind?
Oh thanks for the link Anna, it was really useful and correct...I haven't had one today either.In fact today has been a better day, as I've felt more normal, which is really good....I only wish I could feel like this every day, but I know that's an unrealistic expectation at the moment...But I've made the most of it at least.
yes it is a case of good days and bad days, just take one at a time and you will slowly but surely get stronger and stronger.....
Hi Eeyore 73, what an emotional rollercoaster you are on.
In the programme that I deliver for women who have survived abuse (I know that your partner wasn't abusive, although some would argue having an affair is abusive behaviour) anyway, when someone is trying to get back with you they may try the persuader tactics. They try and make you feel sorry for them. He wants you to do the work. He knows you will, it sounds as though you are a caring loving woman, who could nurture the world, it is in your nature to want to help him. So once again be careful :)
It would be really good if you were reading that book 'Are you the one for me' by Barbara de Angelis, I think it would really help at this time.
It will probably feel quite a relief to get back to work, I bet, have your mid taken up by other things!