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I will explain a little bit of history to give an idea of my situation.
Basically I'm adopted. A family trajedy means my aunty is now my mum.I was 6+ when i moved so my parents are as new to babies as I am.
I was never really around babies growing up and to be honest wasn't really comfortable around kids, babies frightened me =P So when i became pregnant and was left by the dad I wasn't sure I could raise a baby.My mum sat with me in the hospital as i made my choice. Promising she would help me, that her and my dad would be there for me...
So Today is My son's 1st Birthday and I'm faced with a new dilemma.It has recently came to light about 2-3 months ago I Have PND =( (which may explain some of my extrememly stressed out past posts)i am attending a group with some other mums. My mum is aware of this but since the novelty wore of a couple weeks after my son was born she has had no interest in babysitting him. She has watched him maybe 5 time overnight in one year and a few hours through the day now and then. When she babysits she doesn't give him enough of his milk. she feeds him solids because it's easier for her. The only day she can take him overnight is a Monday. because she works Wed,Fri,Sat,Sun.
When I ask her if she can take him she is really reluctant to. Especially overnight. He refuses to sleep in his travel cot. and since i bought his new mattress she hasn't had him in it because she can't be bothered moving her room about atm. So he sleeps in bed with her. (I cosleep so i don't mind) however she says she barely sleeps and only gets a few hours because she's scared of rolling on him. My mum and Dad visit at least once a week and when she's here even my dad sometimes gets mad at her. She makes no effort whatso ever sometimes. While i run about making homecooked recipes (learning to cook) and dad looks after my son and helps clean up.
If i ask her to change a nappy she gets very defensive and usually says no. She makes excuses like she's tired all the time so will babysit another night.
My main problem is i have spent a year mostly indoors, getting fatter and more depressed. She knows this but still is reluctant to help. She would rather BUY HIM THINGS just like she did with me as a child. That's why i have a great relationship with my dad (adopted dad) and hold a huge amount of resentment towards her.One of her most common excuses when i ask if she can take him so i can get my house sorted, I've seen more than a dozen weeks where she said this...and never has she actually done it. where as i cleaned every room in my house the night i got off.
I Don't really have anyone else who can babysit and as childish as it sounds I don't want to spend 24/7 365 with my son. I need the time off. I'm just really angry at her empty promises of support. I know this post may sound very selfish and I understand that.
It's always been a one way street. When i had depression in my teens she told me she wouldn't treat me any differently. When she got down, everyone tiptoed around and she did nothing.When i'm ill, i don't get sympathy i have to get on with it like everyone else. When she's ill she moves off the sofa less than usual and puts on a really annoying sick voice and we have to look after her. It really annoys me! When i spend 24/7 with my son and beg for time off because i'm spending nights in tears....she listens on a phonecall buit won't offer to take him. When she spends one night with him she moans about lack of sleep.....every time.
I just feel so let down =(
Hello Wee Froggy
It sounds as though things between you and your mum run a lot deeper than the issue of babysitting. of course, you will know that none of us can MAKE another person behave in a different way. As a practical measure, I think Tinkerbell2 has made a really good suggestion, spending time with your son AND your mum. You could also raise trhe issue (in a CALM way) by saying "Mum I notice that you seem really reluctant to look after x. He is tiring, I know, I totally understand that but it would help me so much if you could feel a bit more comfortable in looking after him and have him once a week with me. Would it help if you came to my house sometimes and were just there with him and me, I could get on with jobs and you are there to see he is safe but I am there if you think he gets too much" BUT if she says no then you have to accept that. I know that seems unfair but it is true.
On another note, you need to think about finding someone else to help you with childcare, even if it is to take him for a walk for an hour...is there anyone you can think of? I had a an older lady to help me, she took him for walks and occasionally babysat and I took her shopping every week.
Have you had some help for your PND, eg from your GP and/or a counsellor?
Hi Wee Froggy. As sad as it is, we can't make anyone babysit, regardless if they are family or friends. We learn to accept it, and cope with things as best we can. At the moment, your Mum has looked after your son, and also had him overnight on occassions. To you, it does seem as if she's let you down, as she said from the off, she would help you, and maybe to her, she has helped (which of course she has) I don't know what the solution is, but perhaps a chat with her? You said she works, so maybe she gets tired, as of course we all do. How about the other mums you attend the group with? Could you perhaps organise it, that one week you babysit for one, and in return she sits for you?
We look to our parents for help ( I know I'll be there for mine when they need me) and your mum has helped you maybe not as much as you expected or would of liked her to.I always expected my mum to because I know I will without question ( don't let my kids read this they'll be ready with a pen in hand asking me to sign it ha ha )
You sound lime you could do with some support x hug
Apart from talking to her and telling her how you feel you need to look at other ways too of finding a bit of help
Do nursery nurses still do placements in homes?
My mum now supports my ex partner, yeah she's my mum but she's never done what I will do for mine she didn't protect me as a child,I except that's her and not me.
X
Hi Wee Froggy
In a way I can relate to what you are saying as I only had children because my husband promised 50/50 every step of the way. That has obviously fallen by the wayside and it has taken me over two years to come to terms with it.
The positive thing that has happened, and maybe this will happen for you, is that I have learnt how to be more self sufficient than I ever was before. I have realised gradually that I am a lot more capable than I thought.
For me, even as an adult, I have been looking for people to help me and look after me all the time. When my XH walked out I didn't have someone to rescue me. It was really hard but now I have come through it I feel proud of myself.
I also had never had any contact with babies before I had my own (which was the thing that most scared me before). I had never even held a baby before - if it was ever offered I made my XH do it!
Obviously it's really different for you as you have PND and you have other issues with you and your Mum.
One thing that us daughters don't always appreciate is the depth of feeling that can be stirred up in our mothers when we become mothers. I get the feeling your Mum is experiencing really difficult emotions and the only way she can process them is to be "lazy" - essentially avoidant.
Without knowing what exactly was going on in her life when you were born or when you were 6 or when your LO was born I would just be guessing, but I'm sure when she made the promises to you she really meant it.
What helped me to stop blaming my XH for not following through was to see my responsibility in it. So for me although I only had children because of his promises, I still made that decision myself. In the same way, yes you made your decision with some inaccurate information, but it was still your choice and you still made it.
It helped me to think that he could have died and I would have been alone. In that instance I wouldn't have been able to blame him for my perceived poor decision making in having children. I would had to face the reality immediately that at the end of the day I am 100% responsible for these children regardless of anyone else.
Having said all of that, I feel your pain. I hear how desperate you are for a break. Anyone not suffering from PND would struggle with 24/7 single parenthood. You have done really well. If you can somehow look to yourself for the answers to how you can carry on and not rely on your parents who are unable to offer you the help you need, I think it will be better for you going forward.
Some ways you might be able to sort this out yourself:
1) Do you work/are you planning on going to work? In my experience this can be a good way to get a break from parenting, be with other people and get out of the house. Even if most of your earnings go on child care the aim of getting a break is fulfilled.
2) Have you made any good friends from your PND group? Would you trust any of them to look after your LO? If so, you may be able to swap babysitting duty here and there - even if it's just an hour for you to go and sit and have a cup of tea or do some window shopping. If slightly longer a trip to a cafe to meet another friend, a trip to the cinema in the afternoon alone. Even a little bit of time off can make all the difference.
3) Are you still in contact with the Father of the baby? I know you said he left you but have you maintained any contact? Sometimes Dads come round and want to be involved. Even if he was a tiny bit involved it would give you someone else to draw on.
4) Do you have childless friends you could ask to help you? I assume not as you say you don't have anyone you can ask, but sometimes we don't ask people because we don't think of it/don't want to be indebted. People love to feel needed and if you don't ask you never know. Is it possible you could have missed someone because you have been so focussed on your folks letting you down?
The other thing I wanted to ask you is what do you like to do - I mean before you had your baby what did you do for fun and/or relaxation?
Thinking of you.
Love Gem
x
Hi there Wee Froggy, I remember feeling similar to how you do, however your mum does work full time.
My daughter is 18 and as much as I would like to think that I would help her when she has children, I would really like some of my life back first.
Have a read of this thread: Why doesn't my mum help out more?
Hello Wee froggy, I can understand what you are going through but not all mothers have that mothering instinct especially when it comes to their own children. You are doing all you can and whilst I believe having a talk will help diffuse an already tense situation, I don't think that will solve the problem though. I'm sorry but your mum won't change over night and this you have to come to terms with.
I will suggest looking for other mums you can share childcare with, especially when you are tired, nanny share(it works out cheaper than a childminder), create a group of mums who are in the same situation as yourself and take a day of the week when 2 of the mums can babysit for the rest of them. etc. There are other services you can access too. Just ask your GP or any play place near you.
Hello Wee Froggy,
have you spoken to your mum about this? Maybe she doesn't know how to care for a baby but to embarrassed to say so uses excuses? Maybe spend a day together with your mum & son out at the park or shopping so she feels more at ease and you can show her how to do things along the way but make out that YOU need the help so its not to obvious