This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Evening!
I need to rant a bit. Sorry! I am soooo mad with my ex (to be). He hasn't lived with us for over 3 years, now lives abroad, thinking of coming back to have some time with the children (though he would like to give us another chance). I have finally taken steps to go through a divorce - I kept talking about doing it but I found it so hard putting my feet through the solicitors door - but hey that bit has been done now. I don't know why I found it so hard when I knew it was the right thing to do.
Anyway today there was a plastic bag full of letters left at my house that had been sent to him at his previous address - all unopen except one. That one had been ripped open. My ex's landlord knows where I live so I assume that he brought the post round.
I know that my ex left with unpaid bills and credit cards. The one letter that was ripped open I looked at - from a debt recovery place. I emailed him with the details - the contact number and reference and urged him to contact this company asap. I told him that there were about 20 other letters addressed to him, which I put back in the post box and had written 'moved abroad' on the envelope.
The thing that got me tonight is his attitude. I knew he had this debt so it wasn't really a shock to know that time was running out for him to pay, however when I rang to tell him he just said sarcastically "oh thanks very much for the good news. As usual, I will contact them. Bye" - and then he hung up.
I am fuming. Not once has he apologised for this, for leaving with this mess (he left once before before we had separated, and I stupidly I guess, continued to make his monthly payments as well as my own plus mortgage and bills etc). I am fuming because he is making no effort at the moment to look for work where he is, and he is completely unable to provide any financial support at all. Even the birthday and Christmas presents for the children 'from him', I buy. Tonight, he could hear the children in the background and didn't even have the time to ask how they are.
We have chatted and seem to bat backwards and forwards the idea of him coming back over. One time he will be ok and then the next he will be in a mood. He left me three messages at 4am a couple of weeks ago telling me that I am stupid and although a good mother, that I am a rubbish wife and always have been. then he will be nice as pie in a few days when he calms down (he is bi-polar).
He often tells me that I am in the wrong because I should be protecting us all (the family) to move elsewhere (where he is from) because here in the UK we are prone to all sorts of things happening and I am putting us in danger. He is trying to make me feel bad for not emigrating years ago and is using the most valuable tools to do it - the children. I often remind him that it is I who cares, nutures, protects and raises them. Everything surrounding our children is down to me, and I can't just not work as I need to bring the children up.
Arrrghhh - sorry. Not even sure if this ramble makes sense but I just had to 'release' it on here.
:) x
Hi mamaoftwo, I am glad you came on for a rant! It always helps!
Louise speaks words of wisdom as usual! As hard as it might seem, it is time to separate yourself.
It is his responsibility to contact the children, it is his responsibility to sort out his finances, it is his responsibility to decide whether he wants to live in the UK and it is his responsibility to be respectful towards you at all times.
It is your responsibility to raise your children they best way you know how, keeping them safe and secure both mentally and physically, which in turn includes financially.
So I think your rant is perfectly feasible considering! Have you made an appointment yet with the CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau)?
Hi Louise and Anna
I felt better this morning. I wrote a letter and dropped it through the letterbox to his ex-landlord, explaining that I have nothing to do with him and to please not put his mail through my door in future - to just return to sender.
I have the day off work on Friday so will look about making an appointment with the CAB then.
Fortunately the house (along with the mortage and all the debts lol) is in my name, and the debts he has incurred in the past 3 years or so are in his name alone and at the address where his mail is going to.
Sometimes it is hard for me to see his faults (goodness knows why) I always revert back to feeling this is all my fault (he thought everything was my fault), and that he hasn't treated me (us) well over the years and that is he disrespectful, unreliable and very jekyll and hyde at times - I need this pointed out - loud and clearly - so I thank you for doing that.
Thanks
:)
Well it is hard when we have had years of looking at a person a ceratin way, to open out eyes and look at the, differently.
Pat Craven, who has written a great book about abusive partners called "Living with the Dominator". Have a look here, where she lists different characters that partners may be. You could click on the link at the bottom of that page to find out more. Which of these does your children's father remind you of? (can be more than one)
Hi mamaoftwo, did you get an appointment with the CAB?
Hi there
I rang the CAB this afternoon but they were closed - the local volunteer centre works in their offices on a Friday now!!! I will have to ring while I am at work to arrange an appointment. The good thing is that I have a few days off in the next few weeks so I will be able to go and see them then. I spoke with a debt specialist over the phone and he has given me some good advice and I have also had an email back from a One Space advisor... so slowly slowly I getting advice.
Quite a few of the different characters Pat Craven lists are spot on with my ex - it was really interesting to read that.
x
mamaof two, it takes time to sort everything out doesnt it, but you will get there, debt is I think one of the hardest things to admit to let alone deal with, I have had to in the past and did come out the other side relatively intact, you will too xxx
Thanks tiredmum - yes everything does just seem to take time. It's really draining!
Update on 'Him' - he has emailed to say he will come back for just a few weeks now to see the children, not to come back and try to build a life for himself again here. But for him to come back for 3 weeks only he said he has to stay with me otherwise he won't be able to afford to come back to see them. If he has to stay in a hotel for that time it will be too costly. He is really unfair because how can I say no? The children wouldn't understand if I said daddy can't come back because he can't afford to stay any where else other than with us and I won't let him stay here.
However, I'm wondering how the children will feel to just have him back for 3 weeks and then go again. It will probably be worse for them.
He changes his mind like the weather though so stay tuned. It'll probably be all different this time next week.
xx
It is draining.
You can definitely say NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If he really wants to see the children then he will find somewhere to stay, why does he presume he can tell you what to do???????? Sorry it makes me cross when emotional blackmail is used xxx
Oh yes, you certainly can say NO.
The Git and Gittess (sorry, ex and his wife) know they're no welcome here.
I hope you are able to sort out the debt. Its good that its in his name and at a different address.
I had to start again because of The Git being... well a Git with money.
The children will be able to cope with however little time they do see him. It amazes me how well they do deal with things.
I agree with the others, say NO. It is HIS responsibility whether he sees the children or not and what arrangements to make, and how to pay for them. Otherwise what would you do, move out for three weeks? Mess up your head that is just recovering by having him there with you? And you can't afford to subsidise him either, he has left you with debts.
Hopefully there won't be a row about this, as you say he changes like the wind anyway!
Well done on starting to tackle the debt, too 
Thanks for your support ladies :) I will be strong on this.
Hope you are all having a good weekend so far.
Hi mamaoftwo, please do stay strong xxx
I am having quite a good weekend so far and hope you are too, if you are on later or tomorrow, please come and join us in the chat part, we have a good whinge and a maon in there but also a giggle or 2 xxx
Hiya tiredmum
Will try to get to the chat part tonight (if I can stay awake lol) but if not tonight then definitely tomorrow. We haven't been in long - I came on here while the children are getting settled and ready for bed. We went to a local falconry centre tonight for a bbq and then a tour of the facilites. We saw baby owls and then a display. It was fantastic and something different to do. Pretty late night for my two babas but it was so good and the weather stayed fine too.
Will definitely catch you on chat over the weekend.
Awwwh how lovely, glad you had nice time, look forward to chatting soon, have a good night xxx
That sounds like a good trip!
Hiya
It was a good trip. The place we went to is about 10 miles from where we live and it encompasses a flying centre, large playground area, gardens and the bird of prey centre. We usually go there for the children to play so this was something completely different.
I find that sometimes it is easier not to bite the bullet and do things where there will be lots of families together as lately I do find it is an effort to be places 'on my own'..... sometimes - I keep looking at other families together and sometimes I feel isolated I guess as it is just me and the children most of the time. I wonder if my two do/feel the same.
Saying that though I would go again with them. It was really educational too. Mine both held the owls and loved it.
Yes, I think it can depend on how you are feeling. Some places have single parent groups who all go on days out together but it is hard to get someone to organise it all!
The thing I found was hard was Beavers and Cubs where mine were the only boys with no dad there to cheer them on or (let's face it) ferry them into territory unknown for camps and activities. We were unusual as a single parent family at first but gradually others emerged through the school at least.
My friend has a daughter of six and has found it has been worth her while getting an NT card so she can go to places as often as she wants.
I used to have an NT card, and I used it ever such a lot with the children - we're lucky as there are two local properties. Well worth the money, and they do do lone-parents!
Ahh I will look into that, thanks!x
I think it was something like three visits and you were in credit.
Thank you.
I couldn't find my marriage certificate so had to request another one, which arrived on Friday. I took it to the solicitors today...so I'm good to go!
I had to laugh at this. Their dad told me not to skype him for a while (we always end up rowing as I am telling to get a job - you know, just do stuff grown ups do, and he doesn't like it) so I haven't bothered to call him and the children haven't asked to ring him. He has sent a couple of emails to which I haven't replied.Today I got a message saying 'I don't know what is up with you...I tell you I don't want you to call and now you don't even email me!!'
Groan.....
Oh dear....you can't win. You have to laugh or else you might explode with fury!
Ah yes, sorry, but that did make me smile.
Hope you're doing ok.
Hi mamaoftwo, i am just catching up with the boards and read about your ex trying to manipulate you into letting him stay while he is in the area. How are you feeling about that now?
If you are resolute that you do not want him to stay, one trick that I have learnt is to not go into too much detail. State the facts and then just keep repeating them. People who are trying to win you over will try and question you, change the angle and can sometimes make you start questioning yourself. This is not necessary. "I am not happy for you to stay in my house while you are here" End of. Whatever questions, allegations, manipulations start up, just repeat "As I have said, I am not happy for you to stay in my house while you are here" the rest is up to him.
Your owling experience sounds lovely! I remember the feelings of being the 'only single mum' and thinking that I must have stuck out like a sore thumb! We must quash those feelings, as we have said before on these boards, you don't know what is going on behind closed doors and how happy those 'couples' really are, you might be out whilst your husband is away on business (!?) or maybe you are just having a lovely time with your children regardless of who else is around.
I used to make an extra effort to have even more fun with my daughter to show the world, and myself (and probably other mums) what a great relationship I had with my girl and I was a lucky, happy, fun loving mum! haha!
Did you respond to your ex's last email?
Hi Anna
Thanks for the trick. Will see how that goes. I didn't respond to his email or the two after that, however when he then sent one worried about me and the children I did reply. Very brief and curt though. I said we were fine. The children are doing great and they have been on half term.His reply! "is that all you can say?" - huh!
The children haven't asked after him for a long time. they are both doing great and are used to life without their dad. I am gearing myself up to broach him on the subject of how it may not be beneficial for the children if he only comes back for a couple of weeks.
mamaoftwo do stay strong on that xxx
Thanks tiredmum - I will. I really hope I will.
You can do this, just think of us as your army, right behind you and we will be xxxx
....and the staying strong will actually HELP you to feel less upset and annoyed so think of it as an investment.
Hi mamaoftwo, if your children have the chance to see him, then that is great as it is good for them to know where and who they come from if that is possible, however if the only chance they have of that is if he is in your house, I guess that just doesn't work for you.
I really hope that he finds somewhere else to stay and come and visit the children and take them out and have some fun somewhere, then they will have happy memories, but won't necessarily 'miss' him, just enjoy the moment. Means you get a day off too! any news?
Thank you for your support ladies :)
I was feeling strong. I remembered today about an incident that happened with him last year and I immediately felt sad and then guilty (not about the incident - had nothing to do with me but guilty in the fact that if we had emigrated then maybe he wouldn't have got upset about the thing that he did)... I know it irrational thinking but that's how I get sometimes. I don't know if I am ever going to get over 'the guilt trip' of not emigrating.
However, that was earlier and I moved back to rational thinking now :).
Anna, We instant messaged at the weekend - haven't spoken on the phone, and he thinks he will be back in a couple of weeks. It seems that he is willing to not just come for a couple of weeks but for a few months to see how it goes, and is ok about renting elsewhere. He has asked if he can stay just the first couple of nights. He says he understands why I don't want him to stay.
So! Seems ok at the moment!
xx
OK, sounds interesting. I am only speaking from my own experience here, but be careful that he is not asking to come and stay for the first couple of nights and is hoping that he can woo you (or manipulate you) into staying longer. He sounds as though he is suddenly being very understanding, which from what you have said earlier, sounds a little odd.
Are you hoping that after literally 2 nights that he will then move out? - where will he go then? how long will it take him to find somewhere to rent? If he has nowhere will you let him stay longer? will you find it easy to stick to your guns once he is under your roof? Would you consider getting back together with him?
As I said earlier, I think you have to be very careful here, if you say he can't stay with you at all, what will his reaction be? This would be very telling as to how this visit could pan out.
He needs to keep you onside at the moment and what worries me is that he will say anything to keep it that way.
Regarding that old memory, remember life is full of IFs, you did what you did and chose what you did. Believe in yourself and je ne regrette rien (regret nothing!)
Strike up the orchestra Anna!
I must say, I do think he could book into a local B and B for the first couple of nights instead......for me it is not just that he is suddenly being pleasant (although I think Anna is right) it is that you are not responsible for him, and he needs to get used to that!
I absolutely agree with Anna and Louise.
Best wishes
hello everyone
Ok - he is coming back and has emailed to say that he will not 'come to stay in your house'. He ranted a tad by saying you have the house and the kids. I reminded him that I don't have a house.I have a very, very, very hefty mortgage, which I have to manage on my own, and the kids? they are ours and I have never, ever, and would never, ever say that he couldn't see them, or they couldn't see him. He used to see them 3 or 4 times a weeks sometimes.Whenever he wanted and we didn't have anything planned, and often when we did have things planned we invited him too.
Anyway, the main thing is that he realises he needs to stay somewhere else.he has taken on board that he needs to look for places and has looked at the spareroom website I sent him, and has asked if I can contact a couple of landlords on his behalf as he hasn't had any response. I am happy to do that.
Anna, I think I was literally thinking that after 2 days he would move out. This is a much better solution :)
Could be back at the end of the month. Gulp.
x
You have done so well, mamaoftwo, I know it is a big step. I wonder why he thinks the couple of landlords would respond to YOU chasing them up, when they have not contacted him? (y'see he can't QUITE manage it on his own) Stay strong, and we are all here for you 
Hey mamaoftwo, I am so pleased to read you have come to a solution with him. I hope that it isn't too much like hard work finding him accommodation.
You are going to have to be soo strong, no drinks for old times sake. As I said earlier, from previous experiences, he may have other plans as to how long he will stay elsewhere. You might actually believe in your heart 100% that he is not staying with you and you are not going to get back together, but if the other person knows how to play you, you need to keep your shield up, unless you want to of course!
Well done. Keep strong - you're doing brilliantly.
Yes well done from me too xxx
Stay strong. You're doing fine. xxx
Hi there
Must say I felt like my right arm had been taken away by not having internet access :( - back now though :)
I am plodding on with the divorce. My solicitor has emailed 'him' twice now as 'he' said he never received the first email (hmmmm) with all the details which he needs to confirm that he is happy with.
He has seen a nice place to stay in here and asked me to contact the landlord as he can't get through to his mobile. To be honest I am so whacked from work that when I get in I get the dinner ready, take the children to wherever they need to go for swimming, drama, ballet etc, and then it is homework and bedtime for them, that the last thing I feel like doing is phoning some landlord on his behalf... (and also as I pointed out to him, I would probably get the info wrong or not everything he wants to know... and emphasised the fact that it was him that always used to call me 'the most stupidest women in the world') - ha - if I am then I can't possibly chase up on this flat for him, can I? LOL.
Anyway, much rambling from me..... he emailed again to say he will be back here on 14 July and has his ticket booked (gulp) and if he can't get any where sorted can he stay with me for a couple of nights till he does. I emailed him the landlord's number again and suggested he try again.
I'm staying strong though!!
xx
Hi mamaoftwo. Welcome back 14th July is D Day then! If he is asking again to stay with you, I would go all out and keep trying the landlord, purely for the fact I'd want to know that he definately had a place to stay!! No, it isn't down to you to do the ringing, that's his responsibility to ensure he has somewhere to live, but if he doesn't, then you might 'cave' in and end up letting him stay with you.
Have you told the children the date of his arrival yet? Hope you're all ok. Take care. xx
Hi mamaoftwo
We have missed you! sounds as if you have been busy, and you now have a definite date 14th July. My own feeling is that you need to do ANYTHING to not have the children's dad staying. It will confuse the children and also I have to say that if you are not careful you can end up in bed together (sorry for mentioning something so personal 
, just the voice of experience) and so although I have said all along it is his responsiblity to make the arrangements, you might have to have an emergency plan up your sleeve, heh heh.
Hi mamaoftwo
Good luck with all of this. I'm never sure if its easier having a date to focus on!
I hope he does get the emails now.
Hi everyone, hope you are all well and enjoying the weather 
Hey Hazeleyes - yeah D day is looming. After reading your post earlier I decided to take matters into my own hands with the landlord. However when I rang and spoke to him I was told that 'he' was not suitable as he was going through a divorce and there were children involved (I have no idea what kind of voice message 'he' left the landlord) and the property isn't designed for children. I assured them that my children would not be going round to a flatshare place to visit and stay over with their dad, but the landlord wouldn't have it. So back to the drawing board. I have a couple of other numbers which I will try tomorrow.
I haven't told the children. Was deliberating whether to or not, but have decided against it... just in case he decides at the last minute not to come (though he has paid £900 for a flight so I guess he will), but they can have a nice surprise when they see him.
Hi Louise, I've missed not being on here - sooo much to catch up and not enough time to do it. I know I need to pull out all the stops in the next couple of weeks to find him somewhere to stay. Am actually feeling quite sick about it now :(
Hi Sparklinglime, he said he didn't get either of the emails the solicitor sent, but as the solicitor forwarded me the email he sent I was then able to send it onto 'him'. He has now got it and has confirmed back to me (for forwarding on) that he is ok with it.
Stay tuned..... xxx
Hi mamaoftwo. That's a shame about the place, but keep looking. I think that's a good idea not to tell the children, just in case! Like you say, it'll be a lovely surprise for them. How are you feeling about seeing him again? I guess your emotions are all upside down at the minute. Good luck with the other numbers! xx
Oh you have my sympathy, mamaoftwo, that is exactly what happened when my marriage was breaking up, he found it hard to find accommodation as landlords did not want to take someone divorcing as they thought he would only be a short term tenant, (which he wasn't) and other who did not want someon who would have children visiting.
Chin up!!!!
Oh you have my sympathy, mamaoftwo, that is exactly what happened when my marriage was breaking up, he found it hard to find accommodation as landlords did not want to take someone divorcing as they thought he would only be a short term tenant, (which he wasn't) and other who did not want someon who would have children visiting.
Chin up!!!!
Hiya
Update on D day - well through the Spareroom website I found and pressed him to look at, he liaised with someone and then asked me to call her and go round to see it. I did this on Sunday. Place is ok. not fantastic but not bad either. The girl was nice and has moved 40 miles away. I eagerly asked her if she wanted a deposit and one months rent in advance. She said she'd like to meet him first (obviously.. but I was on a mission lol) so I said he arrives next Friday, could she meet him then. She couldn't but suggested the weekend.
Now.... at work we have arranged a night out next Friday... a long overdue and a very very much needed night out for all of us together. I emailed to say I am out the evening he gets back (ok not ideal for him) but I would see if I could cancel (which I don't want to), and he replied by saying"don't worry.Your work do is much more important than me.I will just sleep in the streets shall I?" - Arrrggghhh.. he is impossible.
A week to go.....
Hello mama of two
That is fine to have a rant, we are here for you
You are divorcing this man, he is taking no repsonsibility for his debts or his children and yet you continue to try and consider him. I am sorry to hear that he is bi-polar but there is support and treatment available for his condition and your priority is you and the children. I know when you have been involved with someone for many years it is a hard habit to break! but debts in his name are his, not yours.
I understand how angry you are but it is unlikely he will ever see what he has done, let alone apologise. Identify anything where you may have joint liability and see an advisor at the Citizen's Advice Bureau about the way forward.....and now see youself as a separate entity, with a right not to receive phone calls in the middle of the night and comments about his views on you as a wife. As for emigrating, if the UK was that bad there would be mass evacuation, whereas in fact people from many other countires seek to live here.
Well done on finding the motivation and strength to get through the solicitor's door, it isn't easy. Focus on you and the children and you will get there!!!! Are you feeling a little better this morning?