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Aaarggh, the tactics of the persuader (Freedom Programme personality!)
I have been away for a few weeks and I am just catching up, what was interesting to read was that, once you really decided he couldn't stay, he seemed to be ok with it, but then not long after changed his story and went back to saying that he would need to stay with you for a bit. Short term memory it seems, stay strong mamaoftwo.
Glad to see that you are seeking out other accomm. for him. Don't cancel anything for him, it sounds like your work night out is much needed. So perhaps he needs to arrive, stay at a B&B (you will probably have to find one for him!), next day he goes and visits the girl with the room and either move straight in or stay in the B&B until he is sorted.
I think if possible, email him with all the options, lay out them out clearly and keep re-iterating that at no point do you plan to have him staying with you.
He is not your problem, if he has money to get back to the UK, he must have some money for a few nights in B&B or hostel. Have we mentioned his parents? Do they live over here?
Hi Louise and Anna
I felt a bit overwhelmed at work today. I wasn't thinking about him coming back but then at lunchtime I felt really off-balance and thought I was going to pass out and couldn't stop shaking. Probably just the stress of it all an
His parents live abroad and he isn't that close to them. He did get a little bit of money from his last job at the end of last month... but not once! not once has he said he would send some over for me to give or use for the children. I can't be bothered to ask him for any either. he said he has gifts for us but when I am paying out for so much (and having to rely on my parents to help too) it would be better for him to use his common-sense and see if they need anything (which they always do and there have been plenty of expensive school trips to go on) and to Western Union something over for them.Just a gesture. Even £10!
Am in more of a panic tonight as there was a letter sent to my address for him. It looked like a circular from the kitchen insurance (and I thought that maybe I didn't change his name to mine). But it wasn't. It was from a company stating that they were informed this was his address and he was no longer residing at the previous address (where he built up the debt). It has a number on there to call if he gets the message or for someone else to ring if he is not living at the address. However I have resealed and put Not known at this address on it and reposted it. It said on the letter that other companies may send letters or phone me who have access to the same source that provided my address.
I didn't get to the CAB before as I spoke to the solicitor about the issue of his outstanding debt and he said it would be fine so long as the debt was not taken out in joint names or on the property. But I think I will pop along to see them next week as I just feel sick at the moment.
:(
You did the right thing with the letter. Just a thought: is his name still on the electoral register at your house (or was it ever?) If so you need it taking off.
It's horrid that this is disrupting you so much.
Did you do a credit search on yourself with Experian/Equifax? It costs about £2 to order one online and you can then see if his name is associated with yours re anything financial and if it is, you can lodge a Notice of Dissociation with the credit agency who has sent you the search (they send you guidance notes of how to do this; I had to do it myself because of ex husband and it wasn't too hard)
Hi Louise
He was taken off the electoral role a couple of years ago. I haven't done a credit search but I will definitely do that. Thanks 
Hi mamaoftwo, so sorry to hear that you have had a wobble. Its so horrible isn't it, when you are dealing and coping with everything and feeling ok about life, then something like this happens.
I don't think this is a bad thing though mamaoftwo, it is a reminder that you are going to have to keep on your toes and stay strong over the next few weeks.
Good luck with the credit search, how is the accommodation search going?
Hiya
Well there is a possibility of him flat-sharing in town,
but the landlady can't meet him till Sunday. So that will be two nights
before he can possibly move in. I have had an email prepared for the
past 3 days now to send him but I just haven't.I know he is going to not
be happy. I want to get it across that it might be hard for the
children to see him here for a couple of nights and then move out....
I am still going out on Friday with my work-mates.
Am suffering with a cold and some of my hair is coming out in my hand!!!! Putting it down to stress!
Ooh yes it is stressful, I agree.
It would indeed be hard for the children, not to say confusing but the point is that it is your space and you have separated now and he needs to respect that!
I emailed him about staying in a hotel for the nights before he can (hopefully 
) move in to the flat. He said he doesn't have the money to do this. I am making problems before he arrives and the children will be fine with it if I just explain that he has no where to live until he gets the flat. He said I am a pain.
...well it is up to you, I just worry that if he stays with you it sets a precedent. What a lot of argy bargy you are having to go through with this, I really feel for you.
Hi mamaoftwo. It isn't you who is being a pain, it is clearly him. I feel if he does stay with you, then the children will obviously be upset when he goes again, as they haven't seen him for so long. This is turn could lead to them asking if he can stay with you all instead of going to the flat.
Your hair falling out can be a sign of stress, so please take care of yourself. xx
Thanks Hazeleyyes
I'm trying not to stress too much. Well tomorrow is the big day. I will try to post tomorrow or Saturday to letyou know how the big arrival went. :(
Hi mamaof two. I really really hope that you have sorted out B&B for the next couple of nights and that you have a really good stress free night out tonight.
If he does end up staying DO NOT drink too much and end up in a romantic embrace, if I have learnt anything from experience, he will try anything to make this visit easy for himself and if that means manipulating your kindness, drunkenself or anything else, he will.
I notice that on 13th June, he had emailed you and said 'ok I will find somewhere else to stay' I also notice that he originally was going to move back permanently then it was only for a few weeks.
Do you know what his plans are now? If it is only for a short period, he won't be getting a flat share.
Oh mamaoftwo, I look forward to hearing from you. PLEASE stay strong, you have been through a lot, you are raising, providing and supporting 2 children, you are managing the mortgage on your own. You are doing an awful lot, you have no responsibility towards this man and I don't want him to make you feel otherwise. Another quick point to note, is that you have also said that the kids have not missed him, so don't let that be an excuse/reason for him to be in your house IF you dont want it.
Please let us know what is going on! Good Luck, we are all behind you!
I hope all goes well.
Hi Anna and Sparklinglime
Thank you so much for your posts. I'm very stressed at the moment. Had about 4 rows already. My eldest who is 10 blew up at me today, and although their dad has been great with them, I feel that it is obviously because he is back that my son got into such a state. 'He' tried to explain to me that our son blames me for him going (!!!) and took it out on me tonight.Errr no! I suggested that our son may feel anger towards his dad leaving him but doesn't want to upset him for fear he may go again, so he took his frustration out on me.
I saw a card in the florist's window yesterday advertising a room so took the number and He rang it last night. Success. Can move in tomorrow.
He stayed yesterday and slept on the floor. I went out still. The children stayed at my parents and I got them very early this morning. He brought up this morning about moving to a hotel until tomorrow.
Been a very stressful day and I need to offload it all but I haven't quite got the energy at the moment.
Hope you are all well and I will probably catch up tomorrow.
xxx
Hi mamaoftwo. I think you're exactly right, the reasons you give for your son blowing up on you. Wow, your ex is really something isn't he!! Brilliant news, and well done you for noticing the card in the window. So, he's moving in there today, at least some pressure will be off you. Glad you still went out on Friday night, I do hope you were able to enjoy it. When do your children finish school, is it Thursday? Take care, stay strong, I think you're doing fab!
Hi mamaoftwo, I am sure you were right as to why your son kicked off. What a stressful time for you! thank heavens he is moving to the accommodation today. Hopefully things will settle down, just be as calm as you can be for the children and get through each bit at a time, we are thinking of you
Loads of hugs.
As horrid as it is when they do take their anger out on you, I feel its good that they feel they can - if that makes sense. I can usually talk things through with them when they've calmed down.
Loads of hugs mamaoftwo. xxx
Hi mamaoftwo, thank you for the update.
It is now Monday, I am wondering if you have had the chance to de-stress a little? How was Friday night? Did you have fun? What is it like seeing your ex again? How are you feeling? How are the children? Has your ex now moved out? Have the rows calmed down now?
So many questions, I hope that you are taking care of yourself, keep believing in yourself, you are doing a grand job
Hiya everyone
(rant alert)
Thanks for your thoughts and hugs
Thank you Hazeleyes. I felt like I was doing fine until tonight. I'll offload it all in minute. My daughter finishes on Thursday but my son is still at school till Friday, so to soften the blow I have invited his friend round after school that day. I have 3 days off from Wednesday (and four next week - yay). When do your schools close?
Louise, things settled back to normal and he came round yesterday to see the children and stayed for something to eat. It was ok and he was being pleasant. He even offered to buy me a washing machine as mine has broken.
Oh Sparklinglime the row with D was horrid. I so wanted to bite back but I ended up ignorning it until I felt calm enough to tackle him without us rowing. He cried and looked like a little boy again instead of a 10 year old!
Anna, I had a great time on Friday. Everyone at work has been under such stress so it did us all good to go out have a good time together.I was determined to keep to my plans.
The children's dad is looking for work, looking to set up a business, looking to claim JSA. I said if he wanted to use my pc and if I could help then I would. He came round tonight. I helped him with the jsa online claim (though got timed-out and the password wouldn't go through so will have to start again!). He is useless with things like that so I thought it would be beneficial if I helped him. Then he wanted to get a new driving licence as he has lost his, but his old one was registered at my address and he didn't have the licence number to sort it out. Then he wanted to look at companies house but got stuck on putting the details for shareholders!!!
Before he started I told him he was more than welcome to have a look online but I was going to chat to a friend on the phone while i search for D's swimming stuff for tomorrow. Because I wasn't giving him 100% attention and doing it all for him like I would have before he got upset. Stormed out. Said he couldn't work the (expletive expletive) websites and I was no help. I am useless. He needs my help. Like to see me do anything on my own in a foriegn country.... Blah blah blah.
He went and I cried. I felt bad to start with thinking that I did say I would help but I wasn't attached to the computer all the time he was here, and then I thought he is a grown man. I said I would help where I can but not to do everything for him. He said the children have told him that they can see I treat him badly. 
Hmmm!
Anyway, feeling bad i have just sat and arranged for him to go on two courses from business link and to have a callback from a business advisor.
I know I know. I have slipped back into how I was before we split up in the space of 3 days. How did I let this happen? 
Hello again :)
I have re-read my post. I sound a bit loopy :) but hey, I'm smiling ... I put 'rant alert' at the top and then went on to say thanks for your thoughts and hugs... and had a bit of a general chit chat :)
I guess I felt my guilt complex come back slightly (about not emigrating all those years ago) so I launched into 'I must help him' mode and contacted business link etc. Hopefully that will be the only time (I don't think my waistline can cope with the stress - have eaten a lot of chocolate now).
I'm pleased that I didn't bite back with my ex when he was here though. He stormed off. In the past we would have rowed and rowed but we seemed to have gone past that and I asked him to leave and he did. Just shook me a bit I guess that we could have easily rowed again.
On a positive note we (the children and I) have lots of things planned for when I am off. Both children have friends round, though it is the first time that my daughter will have a boy round to play. He is 6 and she is nearly 6. Just hoping D will lend some of his toys for them to play otherwise it'll be Barbie and dolls lol. Going to see Cars2 next week as well (what a fortune the cinema is though), cray-fishing (cheap day out and we can take a picnic), and swimming (now my daughter has found new confidence in the water).
Night night all. Hopefully I'll feel tired soon.
xx
p.s might change my name from mamaoftwo to LoopyTheChocolateEater
Hey LoopyTheChocolateEater, hehe, I love it. You're doing well, so please don't think you aren't. This man needs to take a long look at himself, he calls you useless, yet he's the one who wants to access sites and can't, yet he blames you lol. I think you're right, everything seemed to me to be running smoothly, until shock, horror, he wasn't getting 100% of your attention, and that, he doesn't like!! So, it sounds like he is settling back here for a while at least then? How do you feel about that? Will he be around when you are taking the children out swimming, cray fishing etc?
As for your daughter's friend. Reminded me when my son 8 had his girl friend round, (this is this year), they ended up playing Mums and Dads with two of my ornamental dolls, and C's old buggy that I sometimes use when I do heavy shopping! I was quite taken aback when I saw how much C was enjoying it hehe. He finishes school on Thursday, I can't wait!
Keep your chin up, like I said, you're handling things really well. xx
I think you're doing well too. Glad you managed to bite your tongue with D.
Keep strong. xx
Hi mamaoftwo
I refuse to call you Loopy heh heh.
Ok so you slipped back into a pattern but you noticed and you can see it is a pattern, that is 75% of the battle, well done. It sounds to me, as an outsider, that he wants you to parent him. You may have heard Anna and I talking about The Freedom Programme, which is for women recovering from abusive relationships. The reason I am mentioning it is that there are various types of partner that the author, Pat Craven, identifies. Here they are. Two of the types ring a bell here from what you have said, what do you think? For me, I was quite shocked when I looked at my boys' dad in the light of this list as I had never thought of it as an abusive relationship, or myself as a woman who would BE in that sort of relationship, what an eye-opener!!!
Glad to know you have some great things planned with the children, enjoy them and stay calm and confident that you are a great mum and your life is moving forward, fantastic!
Hi mamaoftwo
Thanks for the update. As Louise says it is great that you recognised your behavioural changes. In the Freedom Programme we talk about putting on your bullet proof vest, this can be quite useful when you next see him. You know his tactics and you know what pushes your buttons.
It sounds like you are doing a sterling job, you are trying to steer him, but you are also making sure that you keep a few steps away and not taking complete control....(sounds slightly like raising a teen!)
Great to hear that you and your colleagues had a good night out, it is so important that you get to let your hair down and also that you didn't cancel for you know who.
Soooo, he is living in this new place? thats good news too. I think as long as you stick to your guns and keep reflecting on his behaviour, your behaviour and that of your children, this could work out well. Just make sure you keep coming on here, so we can keep you on the straight and narrow!! 
Don't feel bad about the past, thats behind you now and don't do anything you don't want to. You are an individual person and don't need to be co-erced into doing things that you don't want to. When you were arguing did you feel that you were able to ask him to leave, or did the argument need to finish first?
I doubt very much that the children said that you treat him badly! Just part of his tactics to make you feel bad and less empowered. Some people will try extremely hard to belittle, demean and diminish others who seem to be in control of their lives.
Thank you all so much for your support. Kind of running low at the moment so although I am reading other posts on here I'm not adding to any of them (I am keeping strong though Sparklinglime). I do hope you are all ok.
Hazeleyes - no he he won't be coming crayfishing. I have had these days booked off work for weeks now and I want to spend it with the children, not arguing with their father in front of them. I don't want to stop him seeing them so I am going to suggest that he also takes them places and we get out of the 'let's go out as a family' scenario. I am tired all the time due to the stress of work so want them to enjoy 'mum' time and have fun and laugh lots.
Only one more day to go for C at school then! My daughter, I, can't wait for tomorrow. She is giving out sweeties for her birthday as her birthday falls during the holiday. I'll let you know how we get on when her little friend comes round on Monday.D has a friend round on Friday but (and it is a big but) he has to tidy his room first. An uphill struggle on that topic!!!
Louise, I have looked at The Freedom programme. I feel he falls into a few categories but definitely The Headworker and The Persuader (he has had touches of The Bully and Jailer too. He'd like to be King of The Castle but I wouldn't let him when we were together, which resulted in more arguments).
Anna, the odd thing was that I knew exactly how he pushed my buttons after he'd done it but I couldn't see it at the time. I could literally see friends and family shaking their heads in the past in disbelief and they would say "he knows how to play you". I am a bit more tuned-in to it now so will be definitely putting on that bullet proof vest. I asked him to leave before the argument finished.I didn't feel or want to go through angry words. It is like dealing with a child. There is no point to argue.
The other difficult thing is that my parents don't want anything to do with him at all though if they see him they are polite and pleasant. If the children talk about him they always show an interest. You would never know how much they hurt over how he has treated me in the past. He, on the other-hand, said to the children the other day that nanny and grandad don't want to know him and have got no time for him. Luckily I don't think they registered too much of what he said as they haven't asked me about it or my parents. It resulted from I (I mean by daughter) getting excited and asking him to come round to see my parents. I don't feel that it is appropriate to involve the children into how my parents and their dad feel about each other so i just told them that nanny and grandad were busy but we'd see what they were doing later but daddy would probably have gone home by then. That is when he felt the need to say that.
Oh sorry for the lengthy post (again).
Going to spend a bit of time tomorrow on the site reading and responding to other posts.
Hope you're all having a good week so far.
xxxxxx
You're doing what you can do, mamaof two and your parents have been polite and not said anything in front of the children, which shows remarkable restraint on their part. (imagine how you would feel if a partner hurt one of your children in the way that this man has hurt you)
Sounds like a really good idea not to try and play happy families, it will only confuse the children and also as you say, not good to argue in front of them
Glad you are staying strong, we are all thinking of you
crayfishing sounds fun, and I hope you do have a lot of fun.
I found it quite shocking when on a course I did with a supporting housing group, that I volunteered with for a while, to see my experiences that I had during my marriage listed. One of the women running the course was watching my face and could see realisation hitting me and stopped for a tea break - and a chat. I cried buckets. As you say, when you're living it, you don't see it...
Thinking of you.
Hi mamaoftwo
You need not reply to any of the posts, it is not compulsory, so don't feel any pressure to do so, we know that when this time passes for you, you will be back to your old self again!
I am glad to read that you are keeping 'your' time separate with the children, good for you!
We never see when someone is pushing our buttons until afterwards! Annoying as it is! Someone on another thread said her mum gave her some advice and I think it could apply here too "Sit back and watch" As soon as you feel yourself rising to a disagreement, or feeling you should be doing 'more' try and 'sit back and watch', see what he is doing. The more you practice it, the more you become aware of it. I think you have come along leaps and bounds and you haven't crumpled at his feet, you have stuck your ground. So do remind yourself that you are doing well.
It sounds as though your parents are behaving exactly as they should, polite and pleasant and giving nothing away to the children - great! You couldn't ask for anything more :) I wonder if you could say to him, not to discuss your parents with the children as they (parents) are showing him respect by not bad mouthing him even though they are upset at how much their daughter has been hurt and you are grateful to them for that? I guess that would become another argument though eh?
Glad you explained the 'I' in your message, I was a little confused! 
I hope that she has had a good day today :)
Hello :) - I'm still here :)
Haven't come on here as I'm so worn out lately. I do like to come on and comment/reply to the posts Anna and I guess I felt a bit bad that I was posting things about my own problems and not commenting, replying or supporting others.
Just a brief update. He is being ok overall. I had the solicitor on the phone saying that things would be easier to process now he is back in the UK and what were the plans for childcare. Had a minor panic on phone as I don't want to set up an arrangement where he might have them every other weekend so we have left it as he will see the children regularly when arranged with me.
There was a family evening last night (funfair, bbq, show) at the local church club where my two have been for the past week (fantastic - £10 each for 2 1/2 hours and they have done lots of activities). Felt it only fair to let Him know and he wanted to come along. I asked my parents to come too. At first my mum said she didn't want too as she felt it too hard to be in same place as him but my dad said he'd go and then my mum came round too. All very civilised.
Oh - the church club. The children made candle holders from CD's. D decorated his really lovely. I wrote on hers "I love God" - I said to her "oh you have written you love God. That's nice", and she replied "everyone should love God mummy". It is her birthday next week and she said she wants a two-wheel scooter (she has a 3-wheel one at the moment), roller skates and a Bible!!!!!
Haven't been cray-fishing yet but have done something every day I have been off work this week :)
xx
Hi mamaoftwo, it is nice to hear from you.
Sounds like yesterday evening was fun, I bet the children liked that you were all there.
I hope that you are getting some relaxation for yourself during your week off too!
It sounds as though you are in control of the contact arrangements. For now that is godd, comfortable and working for you, however do have a think about it. Recently we have had a couple of people who's ex's have met new partners and it has completely disrupted contact time - it is early days for you, but just a thought.
What have you got planned for the weekend? Are you back to work on Monday?
Hi mamaoftwo
It sounds as all is smooth... Long may it last.
Don't ever worry about commenting on other posts. xx
Hello mamaof two, glad your week off went well, you do sound tired though, so look after yourself
What have you got planned for your daughter's birthday?
Evening
Thanks for highlighting the importance of getting contact sorted Anna. It was all so simple when he was abroad as this bridge didn't need to be crossed but here I am now having to face these things. I am quite good at brushing things under the carpet
so will have a think about the way forward with it.
We spent the afternoon at a play area yesterday and my daughter went to a party today, which my son liked as he had his 'mum and D time' . Back to work tomorrow.
Hi Sparklinglime - thanks hope you're ok.
Louise I wasn't going to have a party for her this year as it is another expense (found out when I went into work on Thursday that I have to reapply for my job again due to the economic downturn), but she wanted a few friends over, so next Saturday she has 3 friends over and they can play and have party food. Going to get a pinata and fill it with goodies, though I am a bit loathed to pay the £12 for the lovely large pink castle (that D wants to get for her) plus the extra money for the sticks and then the goodies to go inside it, for it only to be hit and battered and broken for the goodies to fall out. So have decided to buy a smaller version from Asda which is only £6. It is in the shape of a zebra and smaller than the castle so I won't have to spend a fortune on things to fill it up with. Ha ha - a method to my madness.
I did want to take them to a 'children's festival' thing in London called Lollibops. Cbeebies and Cbbc characters are there, face painting, science museum, lots of things going on, but it is £18 per person plus the train to get there = far too much. We are off on holiday next Monday as well, courtesy of my parents, so I think she will have a good birthday weekend.
Hope you are all well :)
Hi mamaoftwo
That sounds a good birthday to me, and I am glad you have a holiday lined up.
The festival sounds very expensive, I sometimes wonder who they think has all this money to chuck around, bit like the entry fees for theme parks, I can never figure those out either.
Sorry to hear about work stress, hope the reapplication will go smoothly
I think it sounds good too.
That is worrying about the job - such a sad thing to have to face really.
Hmmm the job situation is such a worry. Not sure when we have to re-apply but we will have to complete a competency questionnaire to match the guidelines set out by work and then have an interview. Stayed tuned.... xx
Good luck, maybe it is all just protocol, I am guessing that you know your job inside out. Believe in yourself mamaoftwo, we do
Thanks Anna :)
Hi mamaoftwo, hoping that all is well with you and you enjoying these beautiful summer days!!!!
How are things going with your ex?
Hi mamaoftwo. Am catching up with posts as I went to my sisters for a just over a week, and wasn't able to access the internet 
Hope everything is ok your end. Are you on holiday as from today? It all seems to be very civilized between ex, parents and you. That is great for the children, plus you of course. Take care. xx
Oh dear, get the violins out!!
sorry but he is a grown up and I am thinking arranging one night's B and B is not out of the question!
How are you feeling in all this, mamaoftwo? Hope not too stressed, I am feeling there is pressure on you now