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When we meet someone new there are many things to consider.
How soon do we introduce them to the children? How will the children react? How do we introduce them?
Will they be allowed to stay over? Just for dinner? Or do you only meet up with them when the children are away?
How soon do we call them our boyfriend/girlfriend? Is it healthy for us to dive straight in? Should we date and get to know the person, for how long? How long does it take to really get to know a person?
Do we want them to be our boyfriend and like a favourite uncle to our children? Or are we looking for someone to play the role of the other parent? Are we prepared for them to discipline our children?
Of course it will depend on the person you meet and what kind of relationship grows, but it is worth considering beforehand, what kind of relationship you want before you go out and get!
I look forward to hearing everyone’s point of view, any experiences you have had and any mistakes you would like to share that you have learnt from.
Hi,
Anna' this thread is really relevant to me as it asks all the questions I have been trying to answer in my own mind. I split up with son's dad 2 years ago. At first i thought I would never want another relationship but now I would quite like the companionship of being with someone. I've got lots of friends but feel that now I'd like a partner too. I have had a few disastrous dates where things haven't developed so I have't had to address the issue of how to handle things with my son. Now tho, as I've mentioned on other threads, I've met someone.
We dated for about a month then split up because he admitted he doesn't like children and told me he couldn't contemplate 'being involved with my son on a daily basis'. I thought this was the end of things and was upset, not least because in every other way we get on amazingly well, he meets all the other requirements on my checklist - lol. Anyway after 10 days apart we both missed each other, got back in contact and things are now going much better, been another 2 months now. I'm totally falling for him. The relationship seems to be settling down into me seeing him on Saturday daytimes (when son is with his dad) and a couple of evenings in the week when I either get a babysitter or he just comes round here. At first I thought I wouldn't be happy with this arrangement and would want someone more involved with son and the rest of my life but, to be honest, the longer it goes on, the more I think it suits me at the moment. He has only met my son once and therefore I haven't had to explain my relationship to my son or worry about son getting attached and things not working out etc, it also means ex hasn't found out as he is sure to give me hassle, and more importantly it still leaves me with lots of time just with my son - time that I really don't think I'm ready to share with anyone else.
Blokey is quite happy leaving at midnight or whatever time I choose so that he's never here when son wakes up as I think I would find that really hard to explain. He's an independent guy, used to being single, so happy not to see me all the time, altho I trust him totally that he isn't seeing anyone else - odd as my ex had a couple of affairs and I didn't think I would really be able to trust again.
So at the moment I'm quite happy with how things are. How long they stay like this I'm not sure, we'll just have to see...
Hi Alisoncam, yes I can understand that a succession of men (or women) coming in and and out of children's lives may not be a good thing! anmd that may well have been a cautionary tale seeing what happened to your sister.
Bec you have found a compromise for your present situation. I am really pleased for you that things are going so well :D
I guess for both of you it would be another stage entirely to closely involve another partner with your children. It IS hard to think of another person disciplining your child and one of the things you maybe need to ascertain when contemplating a "forever" relationship is the parenting values that person has. That is difficult to percive straight off. I know we have talked about the famous "Are you the one for me?" book and I am a big fan, but sadly we can't interview prosepctive partners as if for a job and it is only as we go along that we feel what is and isn't right.
Lots and lots of questions!
I don't know I quite like the idea of interviewing them!! and maybe if they were the 'right one' then they would understand!! :?
This girlfriend conversation came up at the dinner table a few days ago, I don't know why, some sort of conversation with friends at school I suppose. I asked them what would they do if I got a girlfriend then? and my son said he would go and live with my sister, I asked him why and he said because I wouldn't want to see you kissing your girlfriend all the time : )
More seriously though, Personally, I'd have to be friends with someone first and have them know my kids and my kids know them before I went any further. But besides all that I don't have the time in the day to fit in anyone else : )
When I think back to relationships and even casual friendships I've develop here and there I'm just reminded of the hassle of dealing with someone else and I think.. nah!
What bugs me about the whole thing though is the sort of general opinion that it's somehow not normal to be single ! I keep having to explain myself to people I meet and they say .. oh you'll meet someone and I say I don't want to and they look at me like I'm green and just stepped out of a spaceship.
I like being single.
Maybe its cos somewhere in side I no longer feel the need to procreate as I have some children and don't need any more.. maybe : )
Or maybe I just don't like people or something!
later.
BUbblegum.
Hi bubblegum
What you said so rings a bell for me too. I feel people are thinking, 'well, what's wrong with her then'.
I have a great friend who just understand why I don't get babysitters etc, and 'get out there'. I know she has a point, but I love it just being me and my son.
I've gone through relationships in the past, and been deeply hurt on two occassions. One used to hit me, the other was married, and I had no idea for months!!!! It took me a long time to get over both, and to be honest, I don't think I could handle anymore heartache, especially now I have my son. My life is my son, and I realise that other people may view this as odd, but at the moment, thats the way it is, and I can't see it changing in the near future.
Anyhow, been there, done that and got the t-shirt, (as my son constantly says)!!!
Have a good day.
Take care
Alison
x :)
What bugs me about the whole thing though is the sort of general opinion that it's somehow not normal to be single ! I keep having to explain myself to people I meet and they say .. oh you'll meet someone and I say I don't want to and they look at me like I'm green and just stepped out of a spaceship.
I have a great friend who just understand why I don't get babysitters etc, and 'get out there'. I know she has a point, but I love it just being me and my son.
I've had people suggest baby sitters too.. But the only person I trust my kids with is my sister and brother-in-law, and besides I do everything with my kids in tow, we are like a family unit, we don't have a car and we walk everywhere and go out everyday and do something, I expect we look like a family of ducks, me my kids and the dog walking round the village, to the beach, to the shop, to school.
Someone who goes to my sisters book club (she's very posh is my sister) saw me with the kids at a local festival a couple of weeks back and said that I was obviously besotted with my children.. and I thought yeah I am : ) a nice thing to say and it made my day.
I've gone through relationships in the past, and been deeply hurt on two occassions.
I've had generally good relationships, some nice some pointless the usual stuff, all except for the last one, with the mother of my children, which was like something I thought only happened in films on that true lives film channel, true stories what ever it's called, I watch it when ever I'm in my sisters house for long periods of time I find my self strangely drawn to them, that and Air Crash Investigations, sad I know. (and what they were to discover would rocked the aviation industry to its very foundations) (they always say that)
You have a good day too, I am so far, I went for a bike ride in preparation for this evenings bottle of wine, which my mum always points out is basically liquid cream cake, so unless I cycle like made to Conway and back and feel like I'm dying I'll just feel guilt when I'm drinking my wine, not enjoy it and feel convinced I've put on two stone in the time it takes to drink it and then I'll find myself slightly tipsy standing in front of a mirror and holding my stomach in, depressed, for which the only remedy will be a merry walk to the CooP for more wine, at nine in the evening, with my kids, who will ask for all manner of sweets and chocolate knowing full well I'm just going to say yes! the buggers! and all to get another bottle of wine which will just eventually make me feel even fatter and I'll just be stuck in that endless loop for the rest of my life.....
:D
later... mumble mumble.
Bubblegum, you really do sound just like me!
I too walk everywhere, (don't drive). I also drink wine, then feel like i've put on weight, so get down about it!
What a wonderful compliment to hear you are besotted with your children. I guess some of us ladies on here wish the children had fathers like you. You really are doing an outstanding job. Keep up the good work. :D
Take care, cheers for later ;)
Alison
x :)
:)
Hay re reading my post, yeah I know it's sad but hay! anyway, I just noticed that my two favourite TV programs are those films about peoples lives, you know, relationships and all that and then, AIR CRASH INVESTIGATES!! I wonder if there could be some sort of connection there?
I must ask my analyst.
I also drink wine, then feel like i've put on weight, so get down about it!
I can put on a stone in an hour, I'm convinced, no I really can, I've seen it happen, I walk past the mirror and then later I walk past the same mirror and suddenly I'm fat... :)
No thats just two of you stood side by side... :lol: :lol: :lol:
Gaaawd, this relationship thread is very complicated.
Easier for me I guess, as children not with me.
All I know was I watched a movie and laughed together this weekend with new girl.
Made her toast and cup of tea. Was being alive.
She gone now. Sob.
sy
Hope that all turns out OK for you there sy : )
I think relationships are always, or generally at least, complicated, unless they are the ones that start and finish in your head after seeing a beautiful person at say a bus stop... I have lots of them.
later.
Oh no why did you have to go & put this thread on here now!
The timing :roll:
don't know what else to say on the matter right now.
I had a lovely couple of days with someone though.
Bit weird though he was growing mould in a lunch box! on his kitchen table :o takes all sorts I surpose!
Will get that book, looks quite good.
Pansy
hey Pansy and Sy glad both your new relationships are working out
:)
Hay re reading my post, yeah I know it's sad but hay! anyway, I just noticed that my two favourite TV programs are those films about peoples lives, you know, relationships and all that and then, AIR CRASH INVESTIGATES!! I wonder if there could be some sort of connection there?
I must ask my analyst.
I also drink wine, then feel like i've put on weight, so get down about it!
I can put on a stone in an hour, I'm convinced, no I really can, I've seen it happen, I walk past the mirror and then later I walk past the same mirror and suddenly I'm fat... :)
My son loves Air Crash Investigates.
He wants to be a pilot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :o
Your post isn't sad, bubblegum, not in the least.
Yep. Really happy for you Sy and for you too pansy.
xx
Hey there,
it's soooooooo weird that Pansy and me have new people in our lives at the same time.
How did it go Pansy? Not sure about the "mouldy lunchbox" is that a girl term?
hug
sy
Hey there,
it's soooooooo weird that Pansy and me have new people in our lives at the same time.
How did it go Pansy? Not sure about the "mouldy lunchbox" is that a girl term?
hug
sy
:lol: Hint* if you ever cook lots of spagetti, put some in the freezer instead of leaving it in the fridge & then transfering it to the kitchen table for a few days! I wonder if it is still there on the kitchen table now?
Pansy x
Mouldy lunchbox, how gross!!!!
Am glad you Pansy, and you Sadsy, have had a great time with your new partners. Enjoy, have lots of fun, and be sure and keep us up to date on progress. Well, not too much information of course :lol:
Take care, and have a lovely Sunday.
Alison
x :)
OMG,
I'm so stressed!
Hmmm, I know Louise and Anna, you told me I wasn't ready.
Ready or not, I am on the relationship rollercoaster again.
sy
Relationships can indeed be stressful. That's why I keep recommending that book, as it is so helpful for working through your own stuff and understanding why things in the past haven't worked out, and really healing yourself.
Take care
Ok, now I have ordered the book too!
and will be reading it at a faster rate than some! ummmm....LOL
I should get it tomorrow.
Pansy x
Pansy,
don't read that boooook! :o
It's scary in there!
What, you mean me getting to pg 12 after 2 weeks is slooooow reading?
sy
Seriously it does take some reading if you do it thoroughly as there are quizzes and exercises to do :)
Hi all, glad you like the new topic!!
Bec, glad to hear that you feel that you have come to some solution with your chap. It sounds as if you have come to some sort of compromise where you get the best of both worlds. You say though that you are falling for him - BE CAREFUL, he has said he doesn't like children and doesn't seem to want to be anymore involved than he already is. So stay in control of your emotions and don't expect him to want more than what is already in place.
In the book 'Are you the one for me?' the author talks about looking for lust rather and how it can get confused with love. We all have needs and we need to recognise them for what they are rather than believing they are something that they are not.
Bubblegum says:
I'd have to be friends with someone first and have them know my kids and my kids know them before I went any further.
This sounds really healthy, I suppose it depends on what kind of relationship you are looking for, but building a friendship with any new person before physical involvement can only be a positive move.
How long do you think it takes to get to know a person?
If I read that book, I'll be single for rest of my life. It makes for paranoia.
Now, it's worse, as other person has a bought "What men want women to know" book.
I don't stand a chance!
I'll have to read the "What women want men to know" book to protect myself.
You all sound very mature with your relationship skills. Sigh.
I spent the first 60 mins rushing around finding all the parts of the disassembled bed. And then panicked as I couldn't find an allen key the right size. Fortunately my lady is very practical too and helped my trembling hands put bolt heads in.
Abstinance, isn't that some kind of torture invented by monks in the 14th century? Even they couldn't manage it.
I'm catsitting at the moment. Have to go back to my doomed house now and check for horrible mail.
hug
sy
Sadsy, that book must be challenging you a lot, but surely it can only be for the good, it is about self growth and learning what makes us tick. surely you want to make healthy decisions in future relationships rather than end up back at square one time and time again?
No-one answered my question, how long do you think it is before we really know someone??
Anna
That is a tough question I think. Can you possibly know the person really well even after years of being with them? Look at some women who have been with their partners for years, and they have been rapists, child molesters, murderers. How many partners cheat years down the line. I think the answer is never.
I'm not sure that you can ever be sure you know someone.
But that's probably because I thought I did. I thought I knew him inside out and felt secure.
When someone can change - and with the internet, especially adding to things - so quickly, how can you be certain that you know anyone at all?
Maybe negative, but it's something I couldn't face again.
Hmm well I agree you can never know someone 100% but I think part of what I would want is to see them in a "normal" situation, rather than the artificial dating scene of posh meals out and best clothes.
How do they cope with stress? Are they good with my kids? What are they like when they are ill? What are they like when I am ill? Are they responsible with money? Do they tell the truth? it is answers to these questions, and many others that would enable me to make my mind up about them.
Does anyone else agree with me that it is a bit like a lengthy job interview?
Oh yes I have the book! & am going to carry on reading it tonight!
so watch out! ;)
But seriously (this means I am going to try & be serious!)
I agree Louise, to know someone you obviously need to have been through lots of things/situations together & really seen them at their worst too. But isn't this obvious to everyone? who would base a relationship just on dates? It would take all sorts of situations & lots of talking about life to get to know someone. Are you saying that some people actually do base things on such shallow things? :?
so far what I read at the front of the book about all the reasons people think they are in love (the sort of statments they make.)I was surprised at, I can honestly say I have never thought any of those things, so, so far so good but I am sure something will crop up to challenge me. I managed to marry someone needy! That needs sorting out. I would have to be with someone who was prepared to make effort in their life with their own personal growth, who was truthful about everything they felt & able to talk about it & who was able to listen to me & make an effort to understand me too.
How long does it take to get to know someone? has to be differnt for people, depends on realationship, depends on what time & effort they make to get to know each other, I would have thought anyway.
Pansy
Yes, I do think that some people base their decisions on dates and outings. It might not be an option fro most lone parents(!) but I do know people who have been whisked along because the new partner had taken them away on nice weekends etc. They have even managed to ignore a grouchy temperament becasue they are living the "high life". I have been guilty of this myself once :oops: , came to my senses when I realised a few things about his personality :)
How long do you think it takes to get to know a person?
Who knows! and to quote the age old adage... do you ever?
I suppose you just have to wait until you feel secure enough.. having said that, it's easy to sit about saying stuff, I know, I do it all the time. But! at the end of the day, the the thing about meeting someone and falling in love and all that is all that you generally throw rational behaviour out of the window and start acting like a teenager again.
Or maybe that's just me.
Reason I say this is I met this random person today and had a five minuet chat with them and spent the rest of the day thinking about them (thinking as in fantasising, like soft focus running through fields of tall grass and all that crap :)) This just made me realise that all my I don't want to be in a relationship, yadda yadda yadda rubbish, is in fact complete rubbish as most probably should someone that somehow clicked cross my path and displayed some sort of interest (it would have to be blatant) in me then I would be off down the road madly in love, not stopping to think about consequences and all that, just dealing with it all as it happened.
Again!
:)
hey everyone am new to this site so i thought i wld give my opinion on ur post. when me n my ex first split up the first thing i done was found the first person who wld take me and started seeing them, i wanted to feel like i wasnt a total failure, this only lasted a few weeks cause i soon realised that he wasnt what i really wanted he was a great guy n for the right person wld b a wonderful bf but jst not for me :roll:
since then ive been on a few dates but i usually find myself gettin caught up in that person then feel sad when they realise ive turned into a clinging jealous psycho :lol:
after i had got my head straightened out i realised i simply wasnt ready i'd took all my hurt from my prev relationship n transfered it into new relationships i was making.
so for now the only ppl in my bed r me and my daughter, and thats the way i want to keep it till i can at least make sure my own life is in order and im happy or i will prob end up in another doomed relationship being needy.
i agree wht u's are saying abt having to wait to introduce them to the kids my wee one is used to it being jst me and her and told me if i ever get a new bf then she doesnt knw were they will sleep cause its her and my bed now :D so ive got no chance
p.s whts this book u's r talking abt sounds useful, av went through such an emotional rollercoaster i now like to annalyse why i do things to make sure i dont make the same mistakes again. i guess its a kind of protection for myself
take care
leeanne
p.p.s i generally type the way things come into my head so if it sounds goble de gook i apologise :lol:
HA!
I've just come back from counsellor and he say only read for academic interest in my case.
I'm not ready for the book! Not for another 6-9 months.
Yippeee! I got a note from my counsellor excusing me from reading it!
Now I can read it in a relaxed, sneaky way. I am confusing, yes.
You are right bubblegum, when someone comes along, all that ideology goes out the window.
You can't fight 2 million years of evolution.
Give in to it, you know you want to ;)
Hug
sy
i agree wht u's are saying abt having to wait to introduce them to the kids my wee one is used to it being jst me and her and told me if i ever get a new bf then she doesnt knw were they will sleep cause its her and my bed now :D so ive got no chance
I have that problem too, with my two in my bed there isn't any room for anyone else, just imagine of I met someone and they had two children, where would we all sleep? we'd have to get two double beds and stick them together, or just put a load of mattresses on the floor in a room: )
:lol: sadsy, your excuse note is accepted :lol:
Hi leefern, thanks for your post, very interesting and you have clearly already thought a lot about this topic. The book we are talking about is "Are you the one for me?" by Barbara de Angelis. It asks you to look at patterns in your previous relationships but just as we have always said on here that it takes a while to be ready for a new relationship, we are now finding that in the first turmoil of separation, maybe it also takes a while to feel ready to read the book! (so that's why we have let sady off for a while!)
Got to whisper here in case Sadsy hears me ;)
I don't think he'll ever read that book. Uhmmmmmmmm, was he really excused from it?
Sadsy, have you found your nose growing longer, or maybe your tongue going a bit green? :mrgreen:
Take care all
Alison
x :)
Hi all
I have just read bubblegums post his new topic and it really re iterates to me that until you know and trust yourself, you are so not ready for a new relationship, you are not healthy for someone else.
bubblegum, you did make me laugh though, because although I am trying to be sensible and ask a sensible question, you are soo right, because maybe when it comes to love we can't be sensible - teenage hormones start rampaging again and we have absolutely no control over our emotions, thoughts or behaviour!!!
May I point out though bubblegum, this book we are all talking about,'Are you the one for me?' might tell you that you could just be in lust rather than in love and we must make sure that we don't confuse the two, that is where the difficulties come in.
leefern, you don't feel like a newbie at all, so don't feel these are not your groups. It sounds as if you have come to a great place in single parenthood where you are not looking for anything other than what you already have. Good for you. Get the book I think it is fascinating, it doesn't tell you anything you don't know, but it has a way of getting its message through.
Pansy I hope that as you get further into the book, you find some answers, let us know?
sadsy - i dare you to keep reading!
Well I have the same 'bed problem too!' My little girl and I sleep in one third of our super kingsize bed (don't ask) and that leaves a whole lot of bed empty which is fine by me....however the other night she said to me 'mummy this bed is really much too big for only us....we need to get somebody else to sleep in it with us!!!!' ..........well problem solved......and no I didn't buy the book!!! bed now goes ....me, indie, simba, cuddly horse, penguin, small penguin, cuddly husky and little ted!! See didn't need the book and I can rely on them still to be there tomorrow....no washing, ironing, smelly socks, they don't answer back, spend all their time fishing and they don't even eat alot...just the odd jam sandwich....not that there's anything odd about my sandwiches ....just my mind maybe!!!
Mousie, do your teddies really eat jam sandwiches? Mine will only eat cheese! :lol:
:lol: :lol:
I like your thinking mousie!
:lol: i think u's r great there's me thinking it was strange wakin up to find a fluffy foot in ur face or wee black eyes staring at u. am glad im not alone :lol: y can it never be one teddy though it has to be the full lot , av woke up a few times scared to roll over in case i squished someone and got caught :roll:
xxx
Sounds like you have a full collection in your house too, leefern :D
Feeling really down now :(
Had a lovely day out today with bloke, but have come home with the realisation that it is going to be difficult to see each other, won't have my once a month weekend from ex now, won't have mother-in-laws help (used to have kids often), kids won't want my parents looking after them for to long, they get bored & girls are older now so like to stay at home. I don't know why I didn't think before, not that it would have made any difference! I am begining to realise what some of you mean when you say it is impossible to have a relationship when you have your children, especially at a distance.
Didn't know it was going to effect me like this. :cry:
feeling rather silly now!
Pansy
Hi Pansy
Don't be defeated yet, there must be an answer somewhere. If we all put our thinking caps on, I'm sure there will be suggestions. Right at this moment, it's too early for me to offer anything, sorry. How about school friends? Could the children have sleep overs, and then you return the favour on other weekends? Just a thought?
Will have another think. You shall go the ball Pansy!!!!!!
Take care
Alison
x :)
There are indeed a lot of practical problems having any sort of relationship when you have kids, especailly if your partner lives at a distance. Barbara has some words of wisdom about it in The Book (as if you didn't guess!)
But that doesn't mean you can't have your own life. We have already spoken about building bridges with your motherin law in another thread and things WILL get easier as the chldren get used to the new set up and you to your new life
Take care, Pansy
Feel a bit better about it today thanks.
Louise, I hadn't noticed that in the book. I will go & find it now!
Talking of books. Must tell you! when I went to see him last week (i say this as I don't want you to think I brought the book! LOL!) I read bits from the 'what women want' :lol: it was very funny to read things that we all think & don't say out loud, especially the bits about sex, she is very funny how she words things :lol:
However, not so funny,I brought the 'what men want' book & found myself in some of the turn offs :o did you know putting on you lip gloss in front of a man is supposed to be a turn off :roll: :lol:
Pansy
I don't wear lip gloss!!!
so is that a good thing???
or do i need to wear it and put it on in secret??
Am i gonna have to buy this book or can u guys that have it just give me some tips :lol: :lol: :lol:
Oh no we are all going to have to buy a huge list of books!
I have seen the film "What women want" where he can read their minds, I love that. I am quite glad I can't read the minds of men, although come to think of it, it would be a lucrative second career! I have got a similar book, something like "secrets about men". In that book there are contradictory sections such as "men don't like it when women always insist on showering and dressing nicely before....."intimacy" :o then there is another section about how men don't want "intimacy" :o with women who are wearing slippers and are a bit grubby. Make your mind up, chaps!
Hi Anna
I haven't really been in this situation. In fact I have had people telling me that I should go out and get a boyfriend, as my son needs a father figure.
I did have an ex who came back into my life when my son was just 3, but even though I'd known this man for years, I didn't want my son getting emotionally attached to him so I kept my distance.
I don't think kids should be introduced to a new partner straight away. For one, the parent needs to be absolutely sure who they are dating.
I think it would take me months before I let anyone into my son's life. I don't think this is being over cautious, just being very careful.
As for the discipline side of things, at age 7, I don't think I would like anyone other than me doing that side of things. I think it would take me a long long time before I would become comfortable with that.I didn't like the idea of the fact that once he started school, the teachers might have to discipline him!!!!!!
My sister has 3 kids, and from an early age, they saw men, some good, some bad, and her eldest now 18 resents all of this. He had a bad relationship with her, and I do think some of this has to do with his mother's relationships. I always felt she didn't put the children first anyway, she just had to have a man in her life.
Maybe thats why I am this way with my son. Who knows?
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