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glad you're managing to find the funny side Pansy - the logistics of having some space from everything to allow a new relationship to develop are a nightmare, I agree! Still haven't quite worked it out myself and the guy I've been seeing only lives 15 mins drive away. To be honest I'm trying to summon up the courage to call it all off, for me I no longer think its worth all the effort it requires to sustain a relationship when he is adamant he will never compromise his views on children - and actually told me this wk that he still hopes that one day he will meet someone with no children and no wish to have children that he will end up settling down with. I realise he was being honest but I just feel like I'm ok for now, just until someone better comes along... I know that no matter how much I like him I really can't continue to just live for the day - no matter how much fun it has been - as inside I do feel that a relationship should have the capacity to develop one day rather than just be about taking what is on offer now...I think this is all teaching me that I should have walked away right at the beginning, I always knew he wasnt keen on children but I guess I believed that if he fell in love with me this might mean he would change his views...its not right to expect someone to change tho and altho a dislike of children seems totally alien to me I guess everyone is allowed to have their own inner beliefs and wishes. Barbara would definately not tell me to wait for him to change! Just got back to uni for my final teacher training year so I'm going to be really busy so I guess nows the time to go it alone...
Sorry Pansy, I set about typing this intending to sympathise with you but I seem to have turned it into a rant about my own situation! I'm sure you will find a way to create some time somehow - could he come and stay at yours maybe sometimes if its difficult for you to be away from home??
Hi Bec,
I don't mind listening to your rant at all Bec! you carry on, it's what the thread is all about & is helpful to hear your experience too.
Shame about the difference in opinion about kids, just goes to show how important some of those things in the book are!
I am getting to the point now I have flicked through where I am feeling like Sy, not sure I want to read it either now! :roll:
Can I be excused by counsellor too? Oh I need to get one, still havn't done that yet! need to put it on my list, which is really getting me down, envolves lots of life changing big issues to deal with, I have to sort everyone out, & nearly forgot myself again.
Bec, let us know wat happens with your bloke.
Pansy x
Loads of hugs to you both
Let us know how you get on, Bec, you're right about what Barbara would say :(
You don't need an excuse note, Pansy :) I will not even get my imaginary glasses out!
Ohhhhhh :o LOUISE!
no imaginary glasses! What!?
does this mean I can just throw caution to the wind & go for it? :lol:
Pansy
Now, now, now, I didn't say THAT! :lol: I meant you didn't have to read the book.......
I've been seeing 'my fella' or BF for 14 months now. I only see him on weekends, with the odd evening midweek after my two youngest have gone to bed. When I left exH, I promised my eldest that she would never have another stepfather. BF has 3 grown up boys (the youngest is 19) and I have 3 girls aged 9, 14 and 17. We have never discussed the possibility of blending our families even though we are both clear that this is probably a long term relationship. He knows that I'm not keen to find my kids another stepfather and I suspect that with his child rearing days behind him, he wouldn't want to be anyway. He likes the girls and they like him, but all the same, I've done my best to keep my family life separate from my love life. He has dropped the odd very subtle hint about living together in the future. It definitly wouldn't be until after my divorce is final next year, and I think not until after his youngest (who lives with him) flies the nest, whenever that might be. If it did happen while my kids are still kids, I suspect he wouldn't want to take on a parenting role, although he'd have some clout as a responsible adult in the home. He is a very laid back chap anyhow and I think that the line between friend/parent is very smudged in his relationship with his son, (just as it is with me and my girls) so I can see it working out quite well.
That sounds really good. It's good to know that it works well for you.
I am glad that you have such a nice relationship Rosedragon, I truly believe that the key to it all is good and honest communication and that's what you seem to have :)
Hi rosedragon, it sounds lovely to hear that you have met someone who is considerate of your needs! :shock:
It sounds as if you have found a happy compromise with visiting arrangements and that your girls seem happy and content knowing that he is not about to move in a be their new 'daddy'!!
I think we sometimes rush relationships, but we don't need to, if you can recognise what you have now and how it suits everybody then that is all there is to worry about. The future will look after itself.
bec, eurgghhh finishing with boyfriend, I hate those sticky moments! But it sounds as if you know that you have to be honest with yourself and then be honest with him. For your own self worth and respect. We have all stayed in relationships longer than we should have done, but we have to have what we want, not what someone else wants.
It sounds as if your chap has been very upfront with you, which might have made him more appealing?? :? So now you need to be honest with him, accept he's not going to change and you want a relationship with a future, not a bed partner.
When are you going to tell him?
Hi Anna,
I'm so rubbish with relationships! I think I've reverted back to acting like a teenager... I couldn't face 'the big conversation' so I just ceased calling him and he has called me only a couple of times, we've had very light conversation. I haven't mentioned meeting up nor he. So now its been over 2 weeks since I last saw him and I'm guessing I won't see him again... I realise this is total cowardice and I'm not proud but with my school placement just starting I just can't face addressing it at the moment. Hopefully I've learnt a lot from this brief relationship tho and I'll be behaving very differently in the future.
Bec
Hug for you bec,
sy
Well it is not cowardice, Bec, after all he could have confronted you or at least called you more, it takes two to tango.......The main thing is how much you have learned.
Take care
WHERES BEC???????
I would like to know how she is & if she dumped him or not. Hope you are well Bec wherever you are. :D
Pansy x
We haven't heard from Bec for a while, Sometimes people can take a break from here and we always welcome them back when they return :D
I'm here!!!! I've still been checking all the threads but just haven't had chance to post much recently - nice to be missed tho!!
So yes, the boyfriend is no more. Had a pretty horrid conversation after managing to maintain a low profile for a while. I said I can't continue when there is no future in it. Said I needed someone that could offer me support and encouragement when I needed it even if they didn't want to be involved in my family. He said he couldn't offer any support. How ridiculous. I didn't want anything material, just someone to tell me I was doing the right thing sometimes (in the usual two way kind of thing?). So its all off. And actually I'm happy as a it of distance from him has made me realise all too clearly that I should never have been with someone like that in the first place.
So now I'm right in the middle of my teacher training. Blimey its scary. I taught my first full lesson last week - to a room full of year 9s. Was terrified beforehand but I got up there and loved it!!! Its hard work at the moment doing all the preparation but I really think its going to be worth it in the end. I get down cos I don't seem to have any spare time but I think thats just whilst I'm training, things should ease a little next year, and of course school holidays are never far off ;). Also its great cos I'm meeting loads of new people all the time, initially the uni folk were very cliquey and I felt really excluded, however a couple of months in, I now find that I'm right in the middle of a great little group who all seem to have gravitated away from the 'in crowd' :)
Great to have you back Pansy, and to hear how things are going with the boyf ;)
Thanks for remembering me, will make effort to post more :)
x
Bec!
Glad to hear all is well with you & you finally made a choice on what to do about the boyfriend. You have been working very hard by the sounds of it. Good luck with your teaching. And great that you have found some new friends too.
Really nice to know how you've been getting on.
take care
Pansy x
Hi Bec
Nice to meet you, I'm glad you have been checking into the site now and again. I can understand you not having the time to post what with the teacher training. Is it PGCE you are doing or BEd or something else? It is a really tough course, teaching. I have thought about doing it but just heard about how tough it is so not quite got round to it yet! Well done you and I am glad the teaching experience went well too. Good luck with the assignments. it sounds like you might be able to concentrate on them now with no more BF troubles.
Cheers C-L
Hi, is a PGCE and yes, its really hard work! Its so stressful trying to organise myself to fit all the uni and school work in and cope with the stress of actually getting up at the front of the class too. But most of the time I enjoy it. Other days its really tough (even now typing I feel guilty that I'm not doing my lesson plan for tomorrow) but everyone seems to feel the same. I'm the only single parent on the course but I had my first 1:1 meeting with my tutor the other day and he seems to appreciate my situation is more difficult than many others, he has offered extensions for course work etc if necessary, I don't really want to take advantage of those and get special treatment but its nice to have the comfort of that at the back of my mind should an emergency arise (as they have a tendency to do in our situations sometimes!). Yes, best time ever to be without a boyfriend, quite relieved I don't have to find time to see anyone!
In the long run hopefully all the effort will be worthwhile - only 7 and a half more months to go til I'm qualified!
Bec x
Hi Bec
You must be thrilled that everything is falling into place now. So pleased for you that other students are now more welcoming :) Standing up in front of year 7???? God, you are brave!!! Year 2 would terrify me :lol: :lol:
I'm also pleased that you sorted things out with BF. At least gives you more time to concentrate on yourself, son and studies, without other distractions. Everything seems to be coming together for you, though of course it is still tough and tiring.
Well done you.
I hope you have a good week, and also try and take a bit of 'me' time, (who am I kidding)
Take care
Alison
x :)
Great to hear from you bec and I am very impressed that you survived your teaching with those teenagers! :? Also glad that there are some decent Uni friends for you as I know this was difficult at first. Sounds like you made a good decsision about the boyfriend too. NOW all you have to do is find a huge bundle of energy to whizz through the rest of the course. It's so good to know it is all working out for you :D
Good luck with the rest of the course Bec, 7 months is not really a long time in the scheme of things so keep up the good work and well done for braving the teenagers - you are braver than me!
Cheers C-L
Lovely to 'see' you. So glad you're enjoying life. :)
Hey bec, I have been away recently so just catching up now.
Life seems to have taken off somewhat!!
Great news to hear that you have found your niche of friends, really pleased for you. :D
Also that boyfriend got dealt with. Hooray for you!
Teaching year 9's - you have got courage!! Were they hard work? I imagine it would have been doubly hard, as this age lurve to give the substitute teachers and students a really hard time!!
Hi, I have been with my partner for 18 months now, so he's not exactly a new partner, and I was extremely lucky that my 9 year old son absolutely adored him from the very first meeting, my partner lives in another city to us, around 40 miles away, so is only here at weekends, and we plan to move their next year. Up until now, my son has been beyond excited about moving. Me nad my son's dad have been seperated for 6 years now.
Problem is, for the last month I made a new arrangement with my son's Dad to allow my son to stay at his house every other Saturday night, as my son's dad works a lot it was getting hard for him to see him so he asked if he could start having him to stay. He lives with his girlfriend of around 6 years now. Since he began staying there, he has took a real resentment to my boyfriend and me!! He comes home with real hate in his eyes for both of us, bad attitude and has just told me yesterday that his Dad and his girlfriend hate me and say nasty things about me in front of him.
This is causing real problems with my relationship, and also my son is behaving terribly for me and has an awful attitude towards me. I don;t know what to do next! I can't talk to his Dad about it becuase he just ignores his phone. I don;t care what my ex's opinion is of me and is no concern of mine but when things are said infront of my son I can't let it carry on. But I can't be the bad guy and stop my son seeing him either because he obviously loves spending time with his Dad. Talking to his Dad is like talking to a brick wall, he doesn't listen and refuses to believe anything upsets my son.
I'm at my wits end, what do I do to try and repair the relationship between myself, my son and my boyfriend, and most importantly stop my son being upset like this?!
Hi lalaou24. Welcome along. A difficult one, and it's totally wrong of your ex and his partner to be saying these things in front of your son. As he doesn't answer his phone, could you write to him? Tell him that it is having an extremely bad effect on your son. Like you say, you don't want to stop your son staying over, but something has got to be done hasn't it? Do you have any contact with your ex's family? If so, could you have a word with them if he doesn't listen to them?
Hi Hazeleyes,
Thanks for your reply. I am really close with my ex's sister, my son's aunty. She regularly helps me out with my son. I have been toying with the idea of calling her all day to discuss it with her but as it's her brother I really don't want to put her in a bad position where she may feel stuck in the middle. I must have written a thousand texts today to my sons dad, of varying anger and not sent them because honestly none of them seem to cover the complete seething anger I have, plus I don't really want a torrent of abuse back!
I'm at my wits end with it all and at this point feel like packing me and my son up now and moving sooner rather than later, but the whole reason of leaving it until after Christmas was to give my son time to prepare for the move and taking him on more visits to the new town to get him used to it. This whole situation is being so damaging to my son. He already see's a pyschologist because he still has a lot of upset about the seperation, so he is being given help with that and how to manage his feelings aswell as preparing him for the move. He is pone very very upset, confused and angry little boy at the moment, and me being in my final year of university with work coming out of my ears isn't helping the stress levels in the house!!
Hi lalalou24, welcome to One Space. I am sorry to hear that you are having a tough time with your boy.
My first question is, are you moving to be nearer your boyfriend, or are you moving because that is where you want to be?
My second question is - can you say to your son that it is not ok for his dad to say nasty things about you.
Often children that have contact with an absent parent where there have been difficulties, can behave very differently when they come home, but we often find that after a couple of days things go back to normal.
It sounds as though your relationship with your ex is not very good at all, are you happy that your son is safe and cared for properly when with his father?
Hi Anna,
we are moving for both reasons really but the main one being that I have never wanted my son to grow up in his teenage years where we live now, and have always said since he was born I would move to a better place. Where we are moving to is a beautiful place and I really do feel he will have a better life.
I have explained to my son that it was wrong that he should have heard what he has. After a couple of days his behaviour does get better but then we are back to square one when he comes home from his dad's. He is so angry, he spent an hour screaming and kicking doors today and crying. It has been heartbreaking. I am happy he is being cared for at his dad's but I do know his dad isn't spending any real quality time with him there and my son spends the majority of his time there playing with my ex'sbstep children.
Hi lalalou24
It is not healthy for our children to have such an emotional meltdown after a visit, although as I said before, really not uncommon.
Keep trying to speak to your son about his feelings. Tell him you recognise that he is not happy when he comes home after a visit. he knows it and it must be confusing for him. Ask him what could be different and is there anything that you could do to help him through it.
Would you consider changing it back to just a day visit for a short period?
Hi lalalou24
It is not healthy for our children to have such an emotional meltdown after a visit, although as I said before, really not uncommon.
Keep trying to speak to your son about his feelings. Tell him you recognise that he is not happy when he comes home after a visit. he knows it and it must be confusing for him. Ask him what could be different and is there anything that you could do to help him through it.
Would you consider changing it back to just a day visit for a short period?
Hi, in december I came out of a relationship with someone who I thought I was going to marry at some point, but coudn't have been more wrong! We were together for 4 1/2 years, he was very controlling but didn't realise he was. He was also very strict with discipline, victorian in some ways lol! It all came to a head one night when he said he hated my daughter but loved my son and I told him to get his stuff and leave...in not so many words you understand!! We are now on talking terms again, but only as friends. It's now put me off men for an extremely long time, and cannot ever see myself in a relationship...lost trust, respect. Without both, a relationship is pointless x
That's true enough. But there are good men out there, I promise. Have you thought about doing out free online course The Freedom Programme, which helps people move forward after relationships that included abuse.
:lol:
this book is the funniest thing I've read for ages, but even funnier is the book about what women want!, must read some more of that next time I go, if I ever get the chance that is :(
Pansy