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Hi, Starting at the begining, i am a dad of two girls aged 18 and 15, married for 22yrs until five weeks ago, when i found out my wife had been having a affair. I asked her to go, and she went straight to her new bloke, where she is to this day living in a house share accomadation in another town close to our family home, which i am still living in with my two daughters. My eldest is moving in two weeks to uni halls. The children are appearing to have taken this separtration very well, nothing like i thought! There has been periods of time when my eldest has refused to talk to her mum and as she can drive so she has been acting as taxis service to my youngest and their mum to be able to see eachother approxamately twice a week! This has caused many problems with my eldest as she feels she has to see her mum for the sake of her sister, so she can see her. For now this situation has subsided alittle and they are on talking terms.
I am worried about when my eldest goes off to uni, as this will leave the youngest alone in the mornings to get ready for school and because of my varied work hours it will also leave her alone for a couple of hours or more in the evenings! I am trying to get home early two nights a week to enable me to take her to her dance lessons which she has been doing since the age of three.
The above problem brings with it many other problems i.e food lonelieness etc.
My wife is saying she is unable to come over to the house ( which i am unsure about anyway) more then she is because for now she is paying half the joint bills etc for the house until it is sold, because of this she says she can not afford to come over more, she has no car and she travels by train, then collected by eldest, this stops in two weeks (uni). I have the family car which i use to transport daughters back and forth etc.
Anyone in or has been in similiar situation that can give me some advice, how to handle this?
Hi hazeleyes, sure thing she says she is happy to come home after school but i am not sure she is and so i still feel guity of not giving her another option, i would like her to come home so she is safe and i know where she is etc plus she can let out our dog who will be busting i would imagine by then!
She has up to now only known her mum to be there every day in the mornings and at night, so it will be hard on her i am sure even if she does not show it to me :(
Aw, you might be surprised and she'll really rise to the occasion! She's not five, but fifteen! Almost grown up! Having charge of the dog will teach her responsibility, too.
If you are too worried, maybe there is a neighbour/friend who could stop by to make sure she's ok? Or she might have a friend (one you approve off) that could come home with her once or twice a week?
What was her routine when your ex was still there? Was she always at home for your girls to come home from school? My lot are 13, 15 and 16 1/2 (one's 22 and doesn't live at home anymore) and really quite independent. When I have to work long days or a night shift they cope really well - they'd be most surprised if I worried! If they need something they ring or text and I get back to them as quickly as I can.
My husband died just over 3 years ago, and I had some time out, but when I went back to studying/working I had their full support.
Welcome Bodysnatcher...my story is very similar to yours..I was with my husband 21 years and have a daughter of 15 ( next month).I found out he was seeing another woman whilst we were on holiday as I read an email...and it's nearly five weeks myself.I work two days a week, but the days vary.As for loneliness and food...I am there with you too.
At 15 girls usually have a good network of friends, and I have to say mine is very sensible and mature for her age, and always texts and rings me to let me know what she is doing or where she is. She quite often goes round one of her friend's after school if I am working, or they will stay over at mine. Plus some days she goes horseriding...So try not to beat yourself up too much about not always being at home there...at least you are still there for your girls, and I'm sure they appreciate that fact...
Thanks Hopeful, this is all so new to me right now, she would maybe offended if i didn't trust her, I have so many other situations going round and round in my head right now, everything appears a bad situation even when it is not, maybe this is one of them?
Thanks Mich, i suppose my main worry is that if she is sad lonely etc, the first port of call will be her mum, who is always texting them or calling, much more it would appear then them texting, calling me 
.
It's not about trust, is it, it's about you wanting the best for your daughter. 
It's not an ideal situation, but you can use it to get lots of good out of it.
Is your daughter open? Can you talk to her about all that's happened and why you worry about the after school stuff? And will she tell you her needs?
This might be a bit too much at the moment, but we have a kind of a rota and everyone gets to do cooking/washing up/drying up, so we share the chores. Doesn't always work, but we try.
Hang in there, it's early days and I'm sure you'll sort everything out just fine!
I really understand how you feel Bodysnatcher..When my husband takes my daughter to dinner on a Friday night, he goes on non stop about how wonderful his new woman is, and what they can both do for my daughter. It really makes me feel inadequate sometimes, like he's trying to win her over, and he's even said to her that his new woman and older child can't wait to meet her when she's ready, which is very hard for me to hear at the moment....but try and take a step back...IF your daughter does text or ring her Mother and then it makes her feel better...at least it's your daughter's welfare that is important...and she knows the score that it is YOU who is there for her too...You also have to remember that whatever happens between you and your wife, you both still love your girls very much, and they are going to love her ( your wife) but possibly hate what she's done, and you have to reassure them that THAT is ok too, to have those conflicting feelings..
I know how hard it is, but there is lots of support here...
Thanks Mich, off now to burn a chicken for dinner!!!!
Oh well, charcoal is good for the stomach!;)
Hi Bodysnatcher
Welcome to One Space, hope you have already seen that is it friendly and supportive here. I know what you mean about your daughter, and these are the issues faced by every working parent.
The money thing: have you made sure you are receiving the Child benefit and child tax credit for your daughter? This should be in your name, not your wife's if you have majority care of your daughter, and your wife should be paying a percentage of her income to you to support her daughter (15%) As far as getting your daughter and her mum together, can your daughter go on the train one way and you pick her up later? maybe after school once a week?
Loneliness, the others have suggested some remedies and maybe she needs an incentive to get herself out the door in the mornings? But she will probably like the freedom, as long as you are avaiable to talk to when you do get home.
Food, yes you will need the organisational skills of an army drill sargeant! Consider having the groceries delivered, even once a fortnight so you only have to do bits of shopping in between. When you cook a meal at the weekend make double and the freeze the other half so that you can get it out of the freezer on the morning of a work day and let it defrost while you work! Another thing I have done recently is buy a huge batch of chicken thighs, cook and debone them, and put the meat into portions in sandwich bags and freeze them...easy to defrsot as above and have as a curry, with veg, with rice in a risotto, with mushrooms and pasta in a white sauce, with bacon and potatoes. Do the same with mince as well, a load of 250g portions cooked with onion, again frozen in bags for a million different dishes.
It sounds as if you are feeling guilty, dont, you are dong the best for your daughter I am sure.
How was the roast dinner?
hi welcome to this site i have found it really helpful . i sepereated in may when i found my ex was having affair too i was married for 17 years and have 2 boys aged 6 and 10 . they are sad the older one hates his dad and i cant call him dad to him as to be by his name . just be there as much as you can tell them you love them offer cuddles and support as much as they allow being yours are older talk and be open . ask her what she wants ? in either to be aone or would she like a friend to come back with her, that way you are making her feel she is making her own mind up, if you get what i mean.
i second what mich says there is loads of help and support here i have found it useful to air off how i was feeling . your daughters will be having waves of emtions like you will at the moment like i know you will tell your daughters that you love them will go along way .
hope the dinner was ok
Yes, I hope the dinner was good, and not too burnt?
Hi from me too.
I hope the dinner went well...
I'm sure she'll enjoy having the house to herself - and dog... She'll either be on the settee or on the computer when you get back. it will be great if you are able to get her to her dance classes. Is there another friend who goes to the dance classes who's parent could perhaps help if you did get stuck?
Loads of virtual hugs for you. What an awful shock for you all.
Good idea Sparklinglime...
Thanks everyone, Thats two roasts in the bag! . Tomorrow i venture into the solicitors world
. One thing i can not stop right now, well two things really! The first is to show my emotions in front of the girls
and the second is to react when ever the w is mentioned! example: My eldest who is off to uni in two weeks, spoke about getting a new laptop b4 she goes as her old one is well old, I thought this was a cool idea as it would take pressure off me in knowing that the new one will be more reliable, but then she said that she had spoke to the w and she had also agreed but had mentioned that she could have her old one so that she could commincate through skype, like the rest of the family are going to be able too. This made me emotional to think that like it seems like everything else, the w is getting it all with little or no effort!
Now the new laptop appears to be on hold and i feel i have let my daughter down again!! Life is so complicated !!!
Are you able to put the idea of a new one to her? I know my lot would always go for the new one... Can be casually mentioned rather than competing (I did this when it came to choosing a driving instructor for my son, which while it was because I wanted to be the one who chose (I paid after all) I did it very, very carefully!) Especially as you feel a new one would take pressure off you.
I mean, don't push it if she's happy...
Well done with the roast achievements.
Sorry about the misunderstanding, the eldest and i agreed to purchasing a new laptop, but then when the w was involved, and i was told that she would be interested in the old one, i got emotional and thought that as normal the w was getting something to help her situation (skype) with very little effort, i was and am being selfish i know. 
The daughter realised my thoughts and thats why it's on hold!
You're not being selfish. I do understand where you're coming from, and know its hard to put into words too.
So based on that example, should i go aganist my selfish thoughts and grant my eldest wishes of a new laptop and so allowing her mother to have the old one to commincate with her whilst at uni or do hold fast to my thoughts and say no to the laptop, thus causing my w concern how to commincate other then txt and calls, and upsetting my daughter in the process!
hi we all go through things like are we being un fair to our kids and my gut reaction was you did this to us so you are not ever going to see the kids !! deep down i still wish he could never see the kids for putting us through this but i know i cant stop it . mine is alittle different as in my ex hit me when he left and i suffered a broken hand to which im still going through the hospital to get it sorted . my eldest saw him do it . so my side is not nice . and yes its very hard not to get upset even angry infront of the kids i do even though i try not too i walk outside even kick a wall there i go to neighbours or go for awalk . i did cry yesterday infront of the kids then told them i was sorry we will still have good days and bad days yet to some as for us this process is raw .
have you asked what your daughters want in contact with their mom? they may be wanting to please both but may not want to have any contact yet but cant say it as for upsetting either side . its hard in away im ok as my ex is unable to see me or the boys but he is writing to them he can see them through a third party but as my son is a witness noone wants him to go hard times at min but hang in there have a rant on here i do and have chin up x
hi we all go through things like are we being un fair to our kids and my gut reaction was you did this to us so you are not ever going to see the kids !! deep down i still wish he could never see the kids for putting us through this but i know i cant stop it . mine is alittle different as in my ex hit me when he left and i suffered a broken hand to which im still going through the hospital to get it sorted . my eldest saw him do it . so my side is not nice . and yes its very hard not to get upset even angry infront of the kids i do even though i try not too i walk outside even kick a wall there i go to neighbours or go for awalk . i did cry yesterday infront of the kids then told them i was sorry we will still have good days and bad days yet to some as for us this process is raw .
have you asked what your daughters want in contact with their mom? they may be wanting to please both but may not want to have any contact yet but cant say it as for upsetting either side . its hard in away im ok as my ex is unable to see me or the boys but he is writing to them he can see them through a third party but as my son is a witness noone wants him to go hard times at min but hang in there have a rant on here i do and have chin up x
Hi Bodysnatcher
You're not being selfish, your feelings are normal! It's a bit like "why should she get away with it when she has behaved so badly?" But it is easier if you think of it from your daughter's point of view and that being the "good parent" sometimes means backing off and doing things for the good of the child no matter how hurtful to you.
That's really sad that you feel you can't show your emotions in front of the girls. Are you able to share them with anyone? it is really important to let your feelings out somewhere.
Good luck at the solicitors. Is the Child Benefit sorted, then?
Ah. I now see where you're coming from. I feel is she wants a new laptop, and wishes to keep in contact with her mother, then, if it were me, I'd get the laptop.
I thought that her mother was preventing you from buying the laptop...
As shaz says, it is hard for the children when they are trying to do right by both parents. In my case the other parent rarely does.
I try to do things so that the children will find it difficult to point a finger at me in years to come to say that I was awkward.
It must be so hard on you seeing your daughter off to Uni. My sister's only child is going today and I know she will be devastated.
I understand how you're feeling about the mother-getting-the-old-laptop thing. But your daughter will still be better off with a new one. It's natural also that she'll want to have contact with her mother, but I think she also knows that it was your ex that left and not you!
It's not selfishness that is making you hesitate, it's a bit of understandable bitterness (sorry! I am not attacking you, but I've been there, too!) creeping in. You want the best for your daughter - that is very clear from what you're writing.
Have you got means to do the skype thing from home, too? You could suggest to have a regular update session with her, once or twice a week?
Don't let what you would normally do be influenced by what your ex gets out of it! The only person you bother with that is yourself! xx
Agreeing with what the others have said...Yes, we've all been there...and it is bitterness because of what they've done to us...but hang in there as we're all in the same boat( and paddling furiously)....
How are you feeling today?
Hi Bodysnatcher, welcome to One Space from me too!
RE: 15yr old at home alone in the evenings.
My daughter is 16 now, but for most of her senior school life she has had to go home alone, I used to hate and feel really guilty, to be honest I still do and she is 17 soon (gulp!) However she has been fine, she quite likes getting home, making a bowl of cereal (or more recently baking infinite amount of cakes and cookies) then settling down to watch trashy American TV until I get in around 5.30. I used to think she would get lonely, into trouble, feel neglected, but it now seems she was affected by none of the above!
shaz5 makes a good point, talk to her about it and asks what she thinks, if she is fine with it, then so be it! I suggested going to a friends on a Tuesday and she never did it. The only rule we had was if she was going out (and she knew what I felt about her hanging out in the park) was she had to be home by 4.30 or text/call me and tell me what she was doing. She too, like Mich, does keep me up to date with her goings on.
RE: Laptop for eldest
Yup, I can understand your frustration, why should ex benefit, but in this instance - go and get your daughter that laptop, I think you said she was the one who put it on hold because she knew it upset you. Treat her to it, she deserves it and it shows you to be the bigger man (person)!
RE: Food
Louise sounds like Nigella in the kitchen! Excellent info! I always try and do a meal plan before i go shopping, we have an excellent thread called Food Glorious Food, where you might find some low cost, easy to prepare meals recommended by others.
RE: Your emotions & reactions
You say that you can't stop getting upset in front of the girls over your ex. That's fine, if you feel it building up, try and get to another room, if not, don't have a rant, just let the feelings come, don't be negative about your ex, just talk about how you are feeling. Sad, lost, alone, shocked. They will be grieving too.
How is your relationship with your girls? Open and communicative or are you just the money machine, taxi driver and burner of food!??
Hi and thanks 4 the replies and advice.
Another night i can not sleep! I had a good day, the solicitors meeting went well, covering all the points i was concerned with, even though it cost me a packet!
I then took my eldest to a very well known computer store and purchased a new laptop, she was made up about that which was good, the old one is going to the w, i'm ok with this now. The youngest had a issue at school which was dealt with. In the evening the w upset the youngest through a phone call, this was upsetting 4 me but more importantly to me was the fact the daughter begun to realise how cold her mum was becaming at times, with her new priority, her new life! I know this may be wrong of me but without any prompting from me my daughter expressed this :( and it kinda made me feel better :( Back to work in 3 hours after a day off so onwards to another day closer to a new life 4 me
hi yes i can relate to that how cold they get ! which is a shock at first as they used to be loving and caring but their new life is more important . stay in there let your kids know you are there for them . they will make up their own minds about your ex , and how they want to feel . just like you they will have mood swings towards any of this . what hurts the most is that the ex'x have not a clue how really it does effect kids . they think a call or pop in for 2hours is ok !!! mine are younger and they are really hurting , my eldest says when dad did visit he was always on his moblie and they had to keep asking for him to do things . he took them swimming and then came home told me they were moaning about the pool so he took them out and said he didnt have to put up with it anymore they were not his number one i was there for that !!! nice as it takes 2 to make a child i replied to which he shuggled his shoulders.
mine are going through the stages that they hate him cant call him dad as to be his name if i have to mention him
it is upsetting to see our children hurting even harder when we dont know what to do for them, just being there helps:) and cuddles they will know it was nothing to do with you . glad you had a ok day and the meeting went well .
yes the first weeks when i split i hardly slept or ate but it does get better in that way . yes all we can do is rebuild and stay strong have a goo day
Agreeing with shaz5, it is like you are now a major inconvenience to them as they are so happy and focused on their new lives..In my head I almost have to think that either my husband is very unwell in his head, or has actually passed away, and funnily enough as your tag name suggests, has been taken over by invasion of the bodysnatchers. It still seems weird to me that someone you have been so intimate with for all those years, is just like a complete stranger to you now...To me it is just SO sad!
Feeling the same as you though Bodysnatcher. I'm still not eating properly, and have lost a lot of weight, but I am trying to drink fruit juices and water to keep hydrated and a bit of a 5 a day.I'm at least eating I would say one meal a day, with a few other bits, which is better than nothing, and i too am still waking up very early and sometimes having anxiety attacks...Every night though I have been listening to Paul McKenna's Change your life in seven days CD( I know that won't happen that quickly as such, but I'm hoping that subliminally something good is going into my subconscious, to at least help)...Well, in my mind it can't hurt, and it IS something positive.
I think it helps when you read that you are not the only one going through these emotions( as you can feel very alone and loney), so yes, just some moral support for you really...
Hi Bodysnatcher, I am thrilled that you got your daughter the laptop, I bet she was made up. It is a great feeling when you see your children happy. Also good to read that it doesn't bother you anymore about your ex having the old one.
Glad the solicitors went well. I think it is always going to feel a little bit good when others see your ex as you see them, it doesn't make you feel so completely crazy and confused. Also it means that the person that has done you wrong, isn't going to get completely let off the hook by everyone.
You mention that your daughter had an issue at school and it got dealt with, was it you who dealt with it? Were you able to have conversation about it with your daughter in the evening?
You were up very early/late. I recently read (Readers Digest) that if you can't sleep, you should stay up, do things, cleaning, paperwork, whatever needs doing. One woman wrote in and said she did this one night and has slept well ever since!!
Another thing that helps to sleep - this is a tip from Louise - think about something that is not personal to you, take the emotion out of your thoughts. I can spend hours at night thinking about work, my daughters emotions, our life etc etc, however if I stop and think about a film I have watched, or a character in that film, I tend to fall asleep pretty quickly! Another thing I do, might sound a bit bonkers, but came from a conversation I had with my girl a few years ago.
Imagine you have an unlimited amount of money and can build your dream house. Where would it be, what would it look like, how would you get there, what colour is the outside, the inside, what is the front door like? etc etc I have done this for a while and now have the most amazing place, that I go to when I am going to sleep, I walk around and try and visualise the smallest details, what kind of doorknobs do I want, light switches, I add new rooms, and I might even start another one in a different location!!! Ha ha Ermmm, well, it works for me!!
Yes, or I have to say I've always fallen asleep by the end of the Paul Mckenna CD I'm listening to...It might be worth you getting something like that? Before all this, I used to listen to birdsong( there used to be a digital radio station with just this on). It was very relaxing and I'd soon nod off.
You've done well...
How're you feeling today Bodysnatcher?
hi hope you feeling alittle better within yourself now?
Hi everyone.
House went on market on monday and had a very interested couple view it yesterday, have not recieved any info back as of yet but who knows! If they are interested it is a strange situation they are in and it may well work for me, so i'll let you know :)
Eldest has been preparing for her uni vacation next sunday, i know this will be hard on everyone, the eldest it's a start of a new life, my youngest is not really saying alot but with her sister moving away and half term just round the corner, the fact that her mum will have no taxis service to rely on, so visits will be alot harder! I feel this is going to be a very hard time for her .
Had several bad conversations over the week with the W, petty things like money, so yesterday i mentally decided to stop commincating with her for now, main reason is she has changed her mobile number!The children of course has the new one but she changed it apparently to avoid me! I do not want to use either children as messengers. She still thinks she has the right to ring me at 1.30 in the morning and at any other times but i feel this one way situation is not on so hench my decision to avoid all witheld numbers.
Took the dog to vets last week, first time in nine years, so maybe this is a product of my situation, his skin condition is fine, but my wallet felt the inpact!
Children still seem to be staying out all the time, i feel this is because of the situation but they say that they are just acting like they did b4, i can not see this and it causes alot of heartache at times, just something else to overcome i suppose.
Going for a lental lasagne over the weekend, gulp! anyone have a reciepe that a beginner like me can handle?
Thanks for the support
I've never made a lasagne, so can't help I'm afraid.
I have a separate mobile phone for The Git, but since he's moved it's hardly checked - especially as there were no text messages for 8 months!
Sounds as if the children are doing ok. We do DVD nights here - I have a pop corn maker.
Have i seen somewhere posted on this forum, a page or something with food recipes, like to check out this out if someone can help me out?
Here is the food section, Bodysnatcher.
Sounds like there are a lot of changes for you at the moment. Stay strong and be good to yourself as everything will feel unsettled for some time to come.
Thanks Louise for the link.
Weekend so far has been ok at times . I just do not know how to control my feelings!
One moment and it will only last a minute i feel OK about things , just very apprehensive towards the future . Next minute i feel total isolation, not really knowing the feelings of my children, i know i can not and should not keep asking them what they are feeling and wanting. They both seem to be coping fine, and just getting on with life. This i suppose i should be doing with them and i am trying but not succeeding at all . I feel anger towards my w feelings of propably total happiness, living in her ivory tower with prince charming, everything going good in her life when especially mine all is going bad. I know she cares about her children and not seeing them may be having a impact on her feelings, but that is probably making her hate me and love HIM and her new life even more.
I just wish i could go into a dark hole and pop out again in 3 months or so and everything this is going to happen has happened and then all i can do is go forward in life with what ever has been dealt my way!
Oh Bodysnatcher...I am feeling exactly the same as you are at the moment, with exactly the same feelings as you have.
I had a couple of not quite so bad days, but today hasn't been good at all, and I've felt very sad and lonely, and just found out from my daughter that she is going to town in two Saturday's time with her Father and his new woman...so yes, not feeling great like you....
Hugs and support for you.
Life really sucks dosn't it, and not a thing we have done to deserve it!
No, I Know Bodysnatcher...and it's made even worse by the fact that 'they' seem to be very happy and getting on with their 'new and wonderful' life!
hi both thye seem happy on the surface but are they really happy ? they like my ex are living in denial and sometime , at somepoint that will hit them in the face but by then we will have moved on become stronger .xx
i saw my ex now the last 2 fridays (not by choice i may had) this one just gone his new bit was there texting inthat i had just entered the leisure centre on way to gingerbread club but who know what my gut reaction was i wanted to punch and kick out but no i stayed clam and carried on walking with my head up because they are not worth it and they are not worth letting them see us upset as they are winning then. yes i can type away saying these things but infact i think they are true as many friends have said this to me .i cry yes i weep too i kick the outside wall when im mad but i will never allow my ex to see me down never will he see me at my lowest point . they chose to have the affairs . they chose to tell the lies and they chose to walk away not us . so these feeling emotions will pass others have been through what we are going through and come out the other end and we will too ! how fast that is we can say and nor can anyone when we are having a bad time try to do something to snap us out but i was told never hold in the tears cry as sill as it soounds crying is good for us while we are going through this .
ask yourselves really how wonderful are their lives ?? like i say denial cant last
Hi Bodysnatcher
Your feelings are totally normal. It is good that Mich and shaz5 can tell you that, with them being in the same situation themselves.
Have you got anyone to talk to? You do need to get your feelings out in the open, although not to the children. Your GP could refer you for a few sessions of counselling? it does help to get it all off your chest
Yes, you are right shaz5....and not only that, but I was thinking about their relationship...and the thing is, if you don't have a secure anchor, you can't have a great relationship...both my husband and his new woman are both cheats, so what sort of relationship is that? Not one that can have any solid foundations that's a certainty.So I think that goes for all of us anyway, and none of us here need relationships like that do we?
No we don't....you are quite right, Mich
hi mich i never thought of that they are both cheats that saying 2 wrongs cant make a right !! i try not to think of them as thye are not worth any thought its hard at times last nite i got abit weepy but the moment past
Oh Shaz 5, big hugs for you and Bodysnatcher too....I know they don't deserve our thoughts but, that is easier said than done( especially when it's still early days)...all we know is we are definitely better without them, even though we have other worries ssuch as financial and emotional....at least we have more integrity in our little fingers than they have in their whole bodies....
Hi Bodysnatcher, I agree with Louise, it would be good if you could find some counselling for yourself, your life has been turned upside down and sometimes we need some outside help to put ourselves back on track.
Your girls are just being teenagers and the last thing they want is to be at home if Dad is being miserable, but how about arranging a night in? DVD night, games night? Tell them that you have missed them and want to have a family night of fun. Would they be up for that?
Did you make your lentil lasagne? Here is a recipe I found for you!
Hi Bodysnatcher. Welcome along to One Space. Sorry to hear you've recently parted from your wife. That must have come as a terrible shock for you finding out about the affair.
Your 15 year old, is she able and mature enough to be left in the house for a few hours alone? Could she perhaps go to a friends or a neighbours if you're not happy leaving her?