This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Hi everyone. well my eldest has flown the nest she has been in for the last eighteeen years 
. Yesterday, myself, my youngest and her sister with her B/F went off to her Uni, which is about 2 hours away but took over three to get to. It got a bit emotional at times for all of us but we all held it together mostly. Did not spend as long as i would of wished talking etc there as unpacking took for ever, then there were introduction talks etc for her to attend.
Once home, both me and my youngest realised another part of this situation was unfolding
and now in a short space of 8 weeks, our family of four has evaporated into a family of two!
More big changes have been dumped on us.
From tomorrow, she will be waking up and returning home at the end of her school day on her own until i return at unknown times. The dog will be left on it's own between them times as well, and more important my daughter will not have the comfort of her big sister to greet if she needs her. We all have skype, e-mail, txting etc but none of these are a substitute for the real thing, talking face to face. Anyway this is something we both will deal with in our own way. The w is visiting my daughter at uni tomorrow (today) she is traveling by train, i am a little upset that she will be able to spend more quality time with her then i was able too, but ha that seems the way this situation is paning out for me right now, everything seems aganist me!
I am planing to visit in two weeks over a weekend and my youngest will also visit during her halfterm break from school.
Had more viewings for our house, everyone has been very interested but no one as yet has put in any offers. I am not sure how i think about selling the house. Most of the time i wish it does not sale, so my otherhalf can not move on out of her houseshare room, and so make it easier for herself and her bloke! Also when this happens i suppose it will be easier for her to see her daughters as she will have money to purchase a car etc, plus there will be a option for my daughters if they want to stay over with her!
Sometimes i wish it would sale so i can move on, into a rented apartment, only thing i'm sure of is where i go ,my dog will go, thats the only sure bet right now! Not much to look forward to really is it?
Still can not speak to the w as she has changed her number and not allowing me to know it, this i feel is unfair though as she still can ring me when ever she feels like it, she rung me several times last on friday and i refused to either answer or just told her that i could not talk without her giving me her new number. Not sure if it's right for me to have done this or whether i really need her new number?
O well time to wake up for another day, O been up already for three hours! Time goes so slow when you have nothing but thinking to do :(
morning its hard at the min and you have a lot to take on not just the break up but like you say you have gone from 4 to 3 in a short space of time. even though you knew that your daughter me leaving but its double hard to get your head round now.
im ok at the min with the house as my ex pays for it but will have to see about it when the court case comes . i very sadly had to say goodbye to our dog and that killed us , both my sons are young so they hurt but we did chose a lovely home and they send us reg pics of him and text us and he is enjoying country life . i had to get rid of him as i had to look at it as its another mouth and the vets and if we have to go into a rented house plus i couldnt walk him like he needed to . try not to like of the dog at the mo as you have alot to deal with
im with you at on the cant talk to exs well least mine i cant as he is on bail but there have been times when i wanted to something to do with the kids but then i looked at it as did he really want to know as mine did see the boys he wasnt really bothered
yes another week and another dollar as they say ! wish there was less weeks and more dollars .hope you have a good day
My sister's son has gone off to uni and I know she's devastated.
Not an easy time for any of you, although your eldest will be extremely excited with her new beginings.
Thinking of you.
It's very hard when they fly the nest and extra hard for you right now. There's something about getting a balance between lertting them know they are missed and not making them feel guilty that they have started a new life. Another parental challenge!
Did you enquire about counselling?
Going to uni is a big step! But she's only a couple of hours drive away!
I remember having the exact same conversation with my husband when No1 son went off to uni - insisting he'd live on campus although uni is only 15 minutes drive away. It went thus, as I had taken No1 son to uni with lots of stuff (husband was already ill and couldn't):
Husband: He's not gonna be ok, you know?
Me: What do you mean, he's not gonna be Ok?
Husband: He's not gonna make it. He'll run out of money and he'll have nothing to eat!
Me: He is 10 miles down the road! If he gets hungry, he'll come home!!!
The difference between 'gone off to uni' and '10 miles down the road' was enormous! 
The rest of my little people did (and still do) miss their big brother, but it's all good and they've got used to it. Your younger daughter will learn tons from this new experience, even though it's not all easy....
Hang in there, you're doing great!
Hi Louise, no have not enquired about any counselling, i am going to get through this without.
I just need time i suppose, i am always thinking about what the children are saying and doing when they are with or talking to the w. I know this has to stop for me but i feel so much anxiety when i either know she is with them or when i am guessing she may be/have been talking to them, which is all the time, hence why i am feeling this all the time.
I do have thoughts but not so much about what she is doing, i.e with her new bloke, but these thoughts are not always with me now :).
I suppose i just feel so insecure, whether she feels that way i do not and will probadly never know.
I think the loneliness will pass only once i have moved house, which like b4 i do not know when this may happen.
I have just spoken to my eldest at uni and she had a great night meeting her fellow flat mates and she really does feel good at the moment, this may change when my w turns up!!!!
Yes, it is a whole new life for your daughter.
Your feelings of anxiety will settle down over time, think about learning to drive and how scary it is when you first get behind the wheel...it's an unknown quanitity, what will happen? Over time your confidence in your ability to cope increases, and repeated safe times mean that you start to believe in it being OK
Need some help here ladies!
Need to clean the gas cooker
Need best method, best product and quickest.
Thanks
My sister came to help me sort out my kitchen and PAID someone to clean my cooker!!!!!!!!! 
And it wasn't actually that bad. We've had the house rewired so everything covered in lumps of plaster and dust.
In the days before I was disabled I used to use oven pad. Did the trick and the oven did gleam. I used brillo pads on the shelves.
Thats sounds like hard work sparklinglime! LOL. I was thinking on the lines of a spray, leave for a while, wipe off, job done?
Googled and ovenmate from Lakeland, maybe. I love Lakeland stuff, although I do tend to browse nowadays!
Mind you, heavy duty oven cleaner on the MSE site uses ammonia and vinegar
Feels like another long night a head ! waiting up for youngest daughter who has been to watch ed sharon, in shepherds bush. Feels like i am the only concerned party in this ex family life :(
Your unit is still a family.
That has been something I've emphasised with my lot, that even with one parent, we are still a family.
Hi Bodysnatcher, you are doing a magnificent job! I think it is great that you got your daughter to Uni, she will always remember her first day.
Your second daughter is learning a bit of responsibility and like I said earlier, may enjoy those couple of hours, having the house to herself. I hope she had a good night with Ed Sheeron, my daughter would be so jealous!!
Time will heal and you will find a whole new life for yourself.
Did you get the oven cleaned?
Oh yes, did you clean the oven?
I know it's hard when people say things will get better, or that you're a strong person and can cope, or there is light at the end of the tunnel...BUT it's SO hard hearing that when at the present time you just feel awful about everything...and especially when you see your children growing up and leaving the house too...and also when you have the added worry of not yet knowing where you will live once your house is sold...
but we are here to give support too....
I'm not putting my house on the market until January at least, so have to stay here over Christmas and winter...but I am resigned to that fact now...I have a friend coming over for Christmas so I won't be on my own, and also my ex-sister- in- law and Niece might be able to come down too.....that's when you can feel alone/lonely.
It's also hard just thinking about the future right now, so all you can do is take a few baby steps at a time...and that helps you get through what can sometimes seem like endless days ahead...
Hugs...
( On a side note is there a PM function here Anna or Louise, or a way we can contact each other?)
Hi Mich, sorry but No there isn't a PM function. We feel that it is important for people to keep their anonymity, as there are so many predators out there, your safety comes first.
Thanks alot, no i have put the oven on hold right now,it just was something i thought of a some god earthly hour on night and thought it was a cool thing to do . Catch u later mayb, it's a shame about PM, but.....
Feeling frustrated!
Hi Bodysnatcher,
Every day can feel like a mega challenge at the moment, with the different things going on. Hope your daughter had a good time at the show, sorry to hear you had a frustrating evening. How are you this morning?
Hope you're ok this morning...
How're you doing today Bodysnatcher?
Hi everyone, not been here lately, just trying to get on with things. My situation has changed a little , i can sleep better, which is great, my working hrs is taken up mostly by work and not thinking of the W! I still feel sad about the whole situation and i suppose i do miss the W, but only in the role of helper! I do find it hard to juggle work with home chores, I did not take her for granted but i do now realise the work that was once shared is very tough now there is only one of me. My daughter in Uni is getting on really well which is great news, she is home this weekend but seems to be with her B/F more then me, but that is girls and teens i suppose? My youngest has been ill and off sch all week with flu symtoms, i took her to a walk in medical centre yesterday as she has been complaining about stomach pains for the last two days and i was worried it was appendicitis but thankfully it is all ok but she is very dehydrated and that is causing the pains, she is very skinny and has never drunk enough.
I do not talk to the W at all, when she rings i refuse to answer as she will still not give me a contact number to contact her if needed, this i feel is sad and it hurts to think that she does not want to talk after 22 years but thats her idea not mine and i will get over it like i am getting over her.
Need to walk the dog, his going crazy so maybe i'll get back on here later, hope everyone is going good
Hello Bodysnatcher. It's good that you are sleeping better. I find if you've had enough sleep you can function better all round. Sorry to hear that the youngest has been ill. So many bugs and flu like symptoms doing the rounds at the moment. Hope she's soon better. Your eldest sounds like she is having fun. You're doing so well, and indeed coping with a lot of stuff, but you're getting there. As for the oven. I cheated once, bought an oven cleaner, where you put the contents in a bag overnight. It worked wonders. Most supermarkets sell them, and it was under £4. I did however do it by hand the other day, brillo and washing up liquid!
I'm so glad your eldest is settling down well. Yes, that is teenage behaviour.
Hope your daughter is feeling better though. There's loads about at the mo and I feel like wearing a surgical mask at all times.
Hope you're doing ok.
hi glad to hear that you are sleeping better and yes its double the work load for us i still have not managed to clean the car this weekend as i thought the garden needed it more but it will get done . hope your daughter is feeling better soon
Hi Bodysnatcher
Glad things have improved a little, it sure is hard being in a team of "one"! Your poor daughter, you must have been so worried, hopefully you can encourage her to rehydrate. One thing I always found helpful was those ice pops, you buy a pack defrosted and freeze them yourself, it will only be flavoured water if she has one or two of those but often they can think of it as a treat and it encourages them
It's great that your daughter seems to like Uni as well!
I am being unindated by people viewing this house! I still feel this should not be happening to me and my youngest daughter who is living with me, I then think well someone will put a offer in and buy it so it is going to happen in time.
Because i work all and every day I am finding it impossible to be around myself to stop my dog from attacking the agent and/or the people interested, he does not want to move either!
My parents are the only people I can fall on to help out but they are not spring chickens and i worry that they can not really handle the dog on walks whilst the agent is showing people about. My W says the same old thing " I have transport issues and can not really come over". It is not fair or possible to involve my daughter as she is at school.
I have told the agent that weekends are possible only but I understand they are interested in seeling the house for their commission so naturally they want the house viewable at a hours notice! This seems so unfair and stressing me out big time! How has others coped with this? Thanks I'm going mad!
I do not want this to happen over night, as i know as soon as my W has her share of the money from the house, she can move on to a new place with her man and then i think I will lose my daughter and just see her at weekends etc! This reason i suppose is behind my feelings i am having right now :(
Insist on weekends, as clearly this is causing you concern.
You are the customer and they should listen.
When the laughingly called family home had to be sold, that was weekend viewing only...
It might take longer, and so be it. Enjoy the time with your daughter, and don't worry about what might happen.
Loads of virtual hugs.
hi i agree with sparklinglime ask for weekends only and dont think of what may happen, as your daughter said she is going to leave ?at the minute your head will be spinning you have a lot on but take each day as it comes and try not to think ot what may happen hugs sent
Well BodySnatcher...I'm not thinking about putting the house up for sale until January now...( I know they said there is a six week window from middle of Sep. to end of October)...but it would've been too much of a rush for me...plus in my head I'm thinking New year, new start to hopefully moving etc...Plus I haven't even thought about the Divorce part yet ( again I'm thinking if I can sell, and get the move done, then I can think about other things)..This of course is all dependant on what my H does...at the moment he says things that he is not carrying through with, so that could mean anything too, if he starts to get funny...
At least you have your house up for sale...
I hope your daughter feels better soon too...there is so much around at the moment..
hugs to you.
My Lentil lasagne went really well thanks Anna.
Decided to come home early today, just feel so low and depressed!
I have made a appointment to see my GP, I really need help to get over thinking about my W 24/7 and worrying about what my daughters are thinking and what they are discussing with their mother.
I have approached my youngest daughter who is living with me and I understand from her that if the W could buy a house tomorrow then my daughter would like to live with both of us. This i realise will happen, but I was unaware that she wanted this now! She also told me that she felt I was not as understanding and approachable as her mum is to her. It hurt me to think this is what she is really thinking and wanting right now and if my W was in a position where she could provide my daughter with a bedroom/space she would go :(
I hope the GP can help in some way, not sure what options they have but.....
Anyway off to take dog for a unexpected very long walk.
Hi Bodysnatcher
Sorry you are feeling low...and great idea about going for a long walk. Glad you have made a GP appointment, you might get a few sessions with a counsellor who can give your some strategies.
One thing I find really helpful is to put a "time limit" on worries. Of course you can't stop yourself worrying about them altogether but if you think about having a box in your head (like a sort of hinged wooden toybox type) then you decide how long you are going to "allow" yourself to worry, say 30 minutes...set a stopwatch or even the alarm on your mobile. Let your thoughts dwell on things and then say Right, time is up, and mentally place those worries in the box and shut the lid. The thoughts will come back and you talk to them as if they are people and say NO! you have had your time, back in the box! and consciously distract yourself. One thing you could do is to make a list of distractions (that would be a distraction in itself) These could include music, a book, a list of other topics to think about, a walk with the dog, a favourite DVD or Tv programme, researching new recipes(!)...whatever.
It's normal for your daughter to feel like she does, most children want time with both parents, especially after a recent split. It feel hurtful that she says her mum is more approachable and maybe you can think of some things you can do with your daughter that would boost your relationship with her. What does she like doing?
Sorry yu are feeling down Bodysnatcher...Our kids sometimes innocently manage to upset us over things to do with our stbx...so between our kids and our stbx...we have those emotional mood swings....( I'm sure if we didn't have them hanging over us it would help lessen the swings quicker), but that is the nature of the beast isn't it?
Still we are here to support you, so big hugs...
Wishing you well Bodysnatcher. Cannot imagine what you are going through.
Hi.
Friday went to the GP and prescribed anti-depressants for me!
Yesterday had three couples to view house, and one has put in a offer to buy! Looks like it may be nine weeks! A even better Christmas then I was dreading I think NOT!
Youngest daughter was upset as the realitity of all of this has hit her, I sat her down and tried to explain what will happen and after a few hours, a arguement with her mum! and being alone for a while she come over to me and she said it would be Ok eventunately. I wish I was so optimistic with the future.
Hi
Do you know where you're going to move to bodysnatcher?
My lot got so excited about moving to a new place that it gave them a focus. It might work with you.
I saw the house we rented advertised, and then went to see it with the children. I didn't see it inside without them as then we made decisions together. The same when I was given the keys to this place. I had two friends who wanted to come and see it with me, and I refused. The children and I came here and saw it together...
No idea if it made things easier - as things were actually hellish at the time.
Just a thought bodysnatcher...
Hi bodysnatcher. That sounds like a good idea of Sparklings. Including your daughter when you view somewhere maybe.
I have no idea where we are going sparklinglime.
I have tried hundreds of times to sit at this screen and do searches etc in my area, but nothing really comes up! I now have left it with the estate agents who are selling my house, fortunately they deal with rent/lettings as well, whether it was sells panter when I instructed them to sell I do not really know! After they let me know yesterday about the offer they said in the next two weeks they will begin to look for me, this is once the legal/searches side has started! One thing I have made clear to them is no way am I signing anything without knowing where my future home is first. My daughter has agreed to coming with me to look at places when this happens, as she said it will be her home as well for half the week :(
The W acted surprised when I got my daughter to message her that the house is sold, she thought it would take a lot longer, I think she is panicing alittle! Like at the beginning we both put a time limit of July before something had to be done.I told her that next w/e I need a skip to start emtpying the loft and garage, she said she would pay half (nice of her) She does not want anything but a steamer and her cook books! Does that just sum up our 22 years of marriage?
So I have to decide whether to keep all the baby clothes/toys mermentos etc that we kept from bringing up our two children! She did say her wedding dress can go in the skip, this is so painful!
the stuff my ex threw in the skip were shocking, including stuff he knew I wanted and that I would not be able to retrieve - including a set of taperstries I'd done.
My ex needed the furniture and white goods for his 'new' place, so I had to replace them anyway. I did quite well though getting reasonable second hand things.
I was married for 20 years, so don't really think time comes into making things more 'special'.
Just things though...
I just know though, that once the laughingly called family home was empty it became a house.
You and your daughters will make a new place your home.
Do look in local papers though - together if you can.
I know its hard, but the more positive and excited you can be, this will become an adventure.
Sparkling lime is right, for your daughter's sake you need to try and make it an adventure.
People keep strange things from all their years together. When I told my husband our marriage was over, he said "Can I keep the record player?" (not how sad he would be to lose daily contact with our boys!)
Glad you went to the GP, once the meds kick in you may feel a little more motivated.
These are wise words, and the truth...I have yet to go through this, but no doubt will find the same things....
You are right though..I want to move and will see it as a fresh start for me and my daughter...I think it's a great idea too that she should come a choose with me...
When we have moved I will hold a painting party i think with my friends so I will cook up a big meal, put on some loud-ish music and get everyone paitning..( that's the plan anyway)...It gives me something to focus on, as I can't wait to get out of this house now.....
Big hugs to you Bodysnatcher...at least it is something happening...forward...
The momentos from when you brought your children up, and photos, do keep hold of them.
The Git chose not to keep photos and the children know this and were deeply hurt by it.
I can understand the wedding dress. Mine was in the box for 20 years - and it went to the charity shop still in the box. So if she doesn't want it, put it in the skip...
The bills for the skips (we had two) I paid for, but when we did the accounts after the sale, I did get half back.
Perhaps if you're not sure you can ask on here, as it can be difficult to know what to keep and what to get rid of.
I've now had three quarters of our stuff in the garage since May, and I think we can possibly live without half of it!!
Thinking of you.
New beginnings...
How're things going at the moment Bodysnatcher?
hi bodysnatcher hows things now ? hope you are ok
How're you today Bodysnatcher? What have you been up to? Has it been sunny where you are?