Hi iv neva been on here before so no idea hw it works. Its good to no im not th only one. My relationship jus ended after eight years and im on my own wiv two kids n one on th way, wiv no idea how to cope. All th things im feeling dominate my thoughts, any advice?
Kirstybellx, here is a link to housing benefit etc. Don't know if you are claiming any benefits at the moment, but this might help some. here
Hi kirstybellx
As hazeleyes says, this is a brilliant site.
You will get through this, even if it doesn't feel possible today... One step at a time.
Hello kirstybellx
Welcome to One Space! There is lots of information and support here. How old are your children? How are you feeling?
I have suggestedon the other thread that you need some support from Womens' Aid. Do get in touch with them as soon as possible
Hi, thanks for replyin, I appreciate it. Im not sure wat womens aid is bt il contact them. Im 27 n my girls are only 4 n 5 n they are findin it hard too as they dont understand why we cant go home n why mummy n daddy dont live together now. They still see him on sats n ova days but hes starting to not turn up n snaps at them wen he does. Im nearly 6 months gone so im findin it difficult not to panic. Im sayn wiv my friend as iv had to leave my home so we classed as homeless n I hav to wait to see sum one bout gettin a new home which is makin things worse. N th only support I hav is my sis n two friends who hav enough probs of their own x
Hi kirstybellx
So much going on for you, that is why you must, must contact Women's Aid, they support women leaving abusive relationships, they may be able to help you find somewhere to live and help you get priority on the local housing lists....and give you some emotional support with all that you are going through. Good luck and we will keep supporting you here too......well done for everthing you have coped with so far, it is hard to explain things to the girls but just keep telling them you love them and everything will be Ok and they will settle down.
Keep posting, we are here for you
Hi Louise, im gna get in contact wiv womens aid today so thanks for suggesting it. I feel like I need all th help I can get at th min cos I know im struggling n I keep bursting into tears which I cant keep makin excuses to th kids for. I need sumthing to concentrate on cos I still love him which is clouding my thoughts. I dont even know why I love him after he can do th things hes done but I cant help it. I keep tellin th girls we both still love them, so they know thats not changed. But then my five yr old wants to know why we left and iv nothing to tell her. She cries for her daddy n I feel like th worst mother in th world for takin them away. Iv even thought about goin bak jus so it Wont hurt anymore. Iv neva felt like this before, completely lost n alone. Ppl keep tellin me time is a great healer but all I want to do is block this feeling out so I can think straight. Is it normal to feel guilty wen y leave a relationship, even wen it wasnt ur fault?
Yes, I would say it is entirely normal, especially where there are children involved. Say to your daughter that daddy and mummy do not want to live in the same house anymore (that's the only reason she needs). You are not the worst mother in the world......and you know deep down that going back will NOT make it stop hurting. This is such a hard time for you but be strong now and you can look back at this time as the period of your life where you made fantastic changes.
There are a few articles you can read here which tell you more about abusive relationships. An abuser is often an expert in making YOU feel guilty for something THEY have done!
Let us know how you get on with Women's Aid and take care of yourself 
I do know deep down it Wont stop it hurtin if I go bak, I know il still hav to go thru this at sum point again if I do. I no wat u mean wen u say they experts at makin others feel guilty, hes always told me im a great mum but th nite I left he told me I was a bad mother for takin th kids away from him n school n said I was bein selfish by not thinking bout wat they want. Im a good mum, everything iv Eva done iv done for my girls but I needed to leave so I can be a beta mum. I dont want my girls to grow up thinkin domestic abuse is th norm. I want them to be strong so they neva feel this. I read an article on dom abuse n everyfing that it said I understood. There must be sum sort of club cos they all seem to do th same things. It made me feel silly cos wen ppl tell me its wrong iv told them my relationships different n now I no its not
Hi kirstybellx. You are NOT selfish by taking your children away from their Father. You are doing what you know to believe the best thing for them and for you. You're a strong lady for doing this, so don't ever doubt what you have done. If it wasn't for his actions, then you wouldn't have walked away, so DON'T let him tell you otherwise. He is the one in the wrong, not you. It will get easier for the children, as hard and upsetting it is right now. Just keep telling them what you're already saying, that Mummy and Daddy still love them very much, but you couldn't live with their Daddy anymore. As long as they know they are loved, have routine, stability, then they will adjust very quickly.
Did you ring Women's Aid? Hope you're doing ok today. Take care. xx
Hi kirstybellx
Welcome to One Space from me . congratulations on where you are today. I know it feels really hard at the moment and your head and heart feel all over the place, but you have done the right thing, for all the reasons you mention above - to raise your children in a safe environment,so they don't see domestic abuse as the norm and you can be an even better mum than you already are being.
I left an abusive relationship when my daughter was small and I have to say it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It takes a lot of guts. The guilt, the ongoing abuse, the love and heartache you still may feel for your ex, the pain, confusion and uncertainty of the future is all there in the mix.
However time is a healer as you rightly say and I am sure that your ex will prove time and time again in the near future that you are doing the right thing!
I look forward to hearing how it goes with Womens Aid and I also want to suggest you find a local Freedom Programme (see bottom of page for their website)
Everybody's situation is unique, however, abusive partners do seem to behave similarly, don't blame yourself for this, for not recognising it etc, just know that you have been strong and will create a better life for you and your girls and your new baby. Feel proud of yourself.
I understand you considering going back to him, often is the case that the abuse will get worse as they then know that you won't live without them. How are your friends coping with all this?
Hi Kirstybellx
I too left a man who although wasnt physically abusive through our relationship, he was verbally abusive to me and my son. I came away from that relationship with low self esteem and depression! No one person should ever think they can treat another human being like that, I know this now I have moved away and finally got myself sorted, with money, a new home etc. I agree with the other ladies who have commented, you need to take a big breath and try and look to the future, especially with the new baby on the way. And when my son, now 5 years old (I left his dad when he was 2.5) sometimes asks why dont I have a dad or why doesnt my dad see me? I just answer that it's ok not to see your dad, you have a mum who loves you loads, which always makes him smile!
You are NOT the bad person here, you are the amazing and strong person, who has put her children first and is trying to plan for a great future :0)
Thanks, button, it is good to hear how you have turned around your life and great that you have moved on and are looking after yourself and your son. Well done to you!
Nice message button - love the name!
How are you doing today kirstybellx?
Hi thanks for th comments, jus readin them made me feel beta. Im ok today thanks, i woke up without bursting into tears for th first time in two wks which im takin as a good sign. Still feel low but its sinkin in now a bit more. I have my scan tomoro so am bit nervous as my twen wk they said babies heart was enlarged so hopefully al will b ok. Im also lookin at properties which is takin my mind off things n givn me summit to focus on. I know this is a good day n il prob b bak down tomoro but at least i know il have days where its not all gloomy now. Think its helping that th suns been out lol x
Hi kirstybellx
Good luck for tomorrow xxx
We will all be thinking of you xxx
Let us know how you get on at the scan!
I hope today is a good day too.
Good luck with the scan. I always found them amazing.
Hi kirstybellx
The sun is still shining today, which is a good sign! I hope that you have woken with promise of the future in your heart.
Good Luck with the scan. Great to read that you are looking at properties, good luck with that too. It means that you are looking and making steps towards the future. Your new nest!
Catch up with you later :)
Well i had my scan, thankfully babies heart is fine. But i got a litle surprise im havn a little girl, nt a boy like they said last time lol so gna call her lily cos always loved that name. My ex didnt turn up this time either bt i didnt mind cos had my friend there who is amazing. He tried to spoil it afterwards by ringin me n havn a go at me cos he was havn a bad day at work bt i calmly jus told him he cant speak to me like this anymore n i actually got an apology which surprised me! I think he expects me to be cryin all time n fallin apart bt cos i was happy after seein lily he felt th need to put me down. Bt after findin out my babies ok its like a weight has been lifted
Hi Kirstybellx. Really pleased the scan went well. So, a baby girl. Love the name you've chosen. Well done you for telling your ex that he can't speak to you like that anymore. Enjoy your weekend. Do you have any plans? x
Hello
So glad to hear your news about the baby 
Now you can move forward with a bit more confidence, find somwhere new to live and get all the support you can from Women's Aid. WELL DONE on being so assertive with your ex
I'm glad too.
Your are doing really well.
Hey there kirstybellx, congratulations! Another girl! That will save on new clothes! Do you still have your other two's baby clothes??
I am not surprised that your ex's apology caught you off guard! Remember that this doesn't mean he has changed at this point. You need to keep your barriers and boundaries up as an abusive person will now be trying different tactics to see how to get under your new skin. So take care of you!
How is the house hunting going?
Hi, god this carry on neva ends. Things hav gone from bad to worse, my ex has let th kids down ova n ova since we left n on Fri i made th decision that if he wants access then he can go thru a solicitor cos am sik of seein them cry n makin excuses for him. On sat i found out hes been to my old neighbours houses tryin to get info about if id been havn lads round wile he was in prison for three yrs. One of my neighbours rang me to tell me so i pulled him only to get a mouthful of abuse that it has nwt to do wiv me who he speaks to. Then his mother rang me shoutin on they gna take me to court to get my children, n insulting me so i explained th reason why i left n surprise surprise she knew nothin bout it. Then yest he demanded i ring him all day n wen i said no he started textin accusin me of sleepin with his friends even tho i dnt no any of his friends n he is bein really horrible. Iv said i havnt bt he jus keeps sending me msgs sayin he knows n i hav no idea how far him n his family are gna go, wateva that means. I hav an app wiv a solicitor tomoro to sort thru this bt i really dnt want him near my kids cos i no hes drinkin again bt cant prove it. Am i doing th rite thing by my girls by stopping them seein their dad till all this is done properly?
Hi kirstybellx
You really should see a solicitor and maybe give the Police a call to make them aware of your ex`s behaviour, please be careful as he sounds a little unstable, dont want to worry you by saying that but its always good to be alert and keep safe,
Please keep the appt tomorrow with the solicitor and tell them everything all the things he has done over the time you were together and after you seperated. Your solicitor will tell you whats best with regard to the children having access with their dad.
Please let us know how you get on, we are all here for you xxx
Hi
I think it might be an idea to get a new sim card for your mobile. Its a way of reducing the horrid messages. You can put the old sim card in once a day, maybe, to catch up with any info he has sent that might be relevant.
If the children are in danger when they're with him, then you are right to stop them seeing him. If he's not putting them in danger, and they want to see him, then perhaps the situation needs to be reassessed. It will be difficult to stop them if there are no issues.
He does need to be told though that no communication unless regarding the children or sorting out property...
How about keeping a diary too, that can always be useful for your solicitor, any conversations that you have with your ex make a note of etc xxx
how are you feeling in yourself, hope you are looking after you and your baby, it is difficult I know but please try to xxx
If you can, put your feet up. That might be a daft thing to suggest, but if you can...
I have to go now as its late and I have a very busy day ahead, good luck with the solicitor and please let us know how you get on. Try to get some rest tonight xxx
I dnt think nt girls are in danger from him himself, he wud neva Eva hurt them, altho he has been nasty to our oldest at times verbally, wat worries me is he isnt allowed to drink cos his violent behavior n on one of th nites he had our youngest he came bak in th morn stinking of drink n she said daddy was bein silly n was drinking stinky water n fell in th mud. He denied this. Wen he drinks he drinks vodka straight n loses control, n its in this state he has been violent towards me. Wen they are with him i worry constantly n he doesnt ansa his phone to let me hear they ok. They love their daddy, very much bt they hav been kept hidden from most of th bad stuff n i worry theyl get scared if they see him drunk n he starts kicking off n theres nobody there for them to go to, n id be too far away to get there quickly
My friend suggested keeping a diary of all th things hes doin, shes a residential social worker so shes used to seein this kind of stuff. Im defas gna change my num n see my solicitor. N as for how i feel, i feel sick to my stomach, iv spent th last two days feeling like im havn a non stop panic attack. I wish i cud put my feet up bt im too restless so been out to soft play areas as much as we can jus to keep kids mind off things. My babies kickin like a good un, bt where as i normally go aWw, now it feels like a constant reminder of how bad things hav been messed up before shes even born. He is unstable, hes known to police for bein extremely violent n unpredictable which is another thing im worried bout as hes threatened if i Eva stop him seein th kids hel Di me serious damage. Im nt sure if that was a bluff cos he does say things he doesnt mean
Hello kirstybellx
Poor you, what a lot of stuff to cope with!
I am soooooo glad you have a solicitor's appointment today. Tell them everything. This man is bullying you and threatening you and harrassing you. He has an history of alcohol abuse. Your solicitor MAY suggest that any contact the girls have with him is "supervised" ie through a contact centre. They may also suggest that they write to him saying that if he does not stop threatening you they will apply for an injunction to keep him from contacting you and you will call the police. He won't want that if he has a criminal record. All in all you have to be strong right now and think of you and the children, especially your unborn baby.
The diary and the new number are both good ideas the others have put forward. I suggested before that you contact Women's Aid. I know this is a hrad thing to do but you need the support, PLEASE contact them today.
Hi kirstybellx
How are you feeling this morning? I hope you will contact womens aid they can and will help you. Good luck for today with your solicitor xxx
If they give him supervised access he wnt keep it up, hes already told me he wudnt do it. Once again il hav to watch my girls get upset, they already blame themselves wen he doesnt cum, they tell me to ring him n promise theyl be good. Wen he finally gets in touch wiv his excuse they wnt believe me n get angry wiv me, my youngest sits wiv her coat on cryin that daddy will cum for her. I cant keep watchn this cos its killin me. N iv been puttin off contacting womens aid cos i feel like im bearing my soul enuf by havn to explain to councils n its humiliating havn to admit to strangers things iv tried to hide for so long bt i will contact them. I need this all to stop cos its too much n i feel like sometimes i cant do it, im not cut out to deal wiv this kind of thing
Im ok part from th obvious, how are u? Feel like all i Eva do is whinge on here n forget to ask how others are doin, bt its th only place i no u hav where ova ppl understand x
I agree it is difficult to talk to people about what is going on and a lot of women feel as you do when it comes to discussing donestic abuse.....almost as if it is your fault. IT ISN'T.You and your children are the victims in this situation. Women's Aid have years and years experience of helping women who are going through what you are experiencing. Do it today , PLEASE, if not for you, then for the childrens' sake
kirstybellx its fine that you dont ask us how we are you have so much going on, I am fine though thank you xxx
Please dont feel like you are the guilty one here, you arent, my daughter turned 18 yesterday and it took me back to when I was preganant and living with her dad, I left when she was 4 weeks old he was a violent bully who drank a lot so I really do understand how you feel, they make you feel as though all the problems are your doing and not theirs, that is NOT true, they are the guilty ones and from what you have said your ex doesnt deserve to see the children and yes it does upset children as they dont understand but sometimes we as their parent have to make choices for them that in the short term are really difficult but in the longer term are the right and proper choices for them and as they grow they will see that, if you do nothing and something happened whilst your ex had the children intentional or not then you would never forgive yourself and you could be said to be failing to protect them.
I know this is hard for you especially with being pregnant but YOU can do this and you will get there, please contact womens aid they will do nothing you dont want them to but they will be there to support and advise you, they helped me all those years ago and I have never forgotten it xxx
Just re reading your last post about your girls and it seems that they are being damaged by the contact at the moment, they should never have to promise to be good so that their dad "might " come to see them, this is wrong.
Please call womens aid and just have a chat to them, what is hard for you now is to see it all in black and white, its such a rollercoater of emotions for you but please talk to them, they will help you and can help you to work through all of the issues that you have surrounding your girls.
It really does get better xxx
I bet ur daughter is a credit to u because u left wen she was so little, she wudnt hav had to go thru seein that like she wud hav had u stayed. I totally get wat u sayin bout them makin all their probs yours, my ex has blamed me for everytime hes drank, hit me, cheated on me, that one was classic, he blamed me for havn post natal depression for him sneaking off wiv slappers n then attacked me wen i found out. He blames me for how he gets angry n thinks sayin sorry after hes slammed my confidence will make me forget it all n carry on like it was nwt. Ppl round me kept tellin me its not my fault bt after a wile u start blaming ursel for everything n try to show others it was ur fault cos for sum bizarre reason u still feel u hav to defend him so u dnt look a fool. Hope that makes sense. Nobody thinks he deserves to see them, hes been in n out of jail since th day they were born. Hes drank around them n been abusive n violent in front of my eldest, his mate got th bairn out of bed to watch him kick th crap out of me. N instead of stopping he jus told his mate to take her bak to bed now n carried on, he has no care for their emotional welfare n thinks theyl jus get ova it. This is wat i worry bout, he wudnt physically hurt them bt he has no idea or cares bout th damage fone by them witnessing his actions
kirstybellx,
I have 5 children altogether 2 older than my daughter and they have seen some terrible things so I really do understand.
It really concerns me that you have any contact with him whatsoever, please please call womens aid right now, you say he wouldn`t phsically hurt the children, you can never be sure with someone who is drunk and out of control but the emotional damage is happenening right now and it has to stop today.
I know I am being a little pushy over womens aid, no one can make you call them, but you really do need some help and support, yes we are all here for you and will continue to be but you can have physical support from them, they will be real voices who will meet with you for a coffee and a chat, there is nothing to be frightenend of in calling tham I promise you that, they are wonderful people who can and will help you.
You know that what your ex is doing is so very wrong and he isnt going to change so you need to take control of this and put a stop to it, please do this, you will get there, yes it takes time but your children have to come 1st over and above anything else.
What time is your solicitors appt today xxx
You have done nothing wrong please remember that, his actions are his and his alone, the way he behaves is not you fault xxx
I will contact them today once iv been to see solicitors, ur livin proof it gets beta n i know u are rite, hopefully sooner rather than later x
Jus talkin to u is givn me bit more strength cos uv been there n hav got on with ur life. Has it affected ur kids uv th long run? My solicitors app is at three today n im dreadin it cos i neva thort it wud cum to this n i feel sly to my girls even tho i no its wats best cos they dote on him. I will contact womens aid n get help cos i know i need it.
N thank u x
kirstbellx, I promise you it gets better.
My children are happy well adjusted and safe!!!!!!!!
It isnt easy at 1st they have questions that they want answered but be honest with them, thats the one thing that I have always been with mine, when they are little you have to use language that they understand, all of these things womens aid can and will help you with. You are not being sly at all YOU are doing the right thing in the best interests of your children.
You will be fine at the solicitors, just take a deep breath and tell him/her everything, they do need to have the fullest picture so they can give you the best advice.
I`m really proud of you for being so brave and doing the right thing. xxx
I`m glad that my experience can help someone else to know that you can get through this and life gets so much better for you and for your children xxx
Please let us know later how you get on xxx
I think children can be so resiliant. I think the more vague while being positive about why the other parent doesn't see them helps.
My lot knows that their Dad has chosen a new life which has made him happy. His new life is busy but he loves them and will see them when he can.
They (the children - or The Git for that matter) have no idea I call them (he's now married - this was the third fiance he had after we split) The Git and Gittess. My lot are so much older now, andI can usually talk through and reason with them the anger they sometimes have. I can turn it around to how much fun we have as a family (remember, you are still a family, even if there is one parent).
Hope the solicitor can help you feel a bit more positive about things. Do contact Women's Aid as they can offer you so much support. I had a support worker (not women's aid, but a group that supports vulnerable women) and she helped me in away I hope she does understand...
Thinking of you.
Hi kirstybellx, how are you xxx
Th git and th gittess, i like that lol its awful that kids get angry cos of wat one parent does n it hacks me off that its us mums who hav to sort it out. It dnt feel like we are a family anymore, it feels broken. A family is all iv Eva wanted as iv neva had one so i think thats why i stayed wiv my ex so long. Its not nice raising kids alone, havn no ova parent to share things with, iv spent most tb time wiv them alone on th many times hes been away. N im ok tiredmum, hows u? Iv been to solicitors n its really unpleasant, she said i wasnt to allow him contact ova than phone contact so he can tell them everythings ok. She said cos of his violence n criminal history n drink issues hes a risk to them n if i allow contact then im allowin them to be put in danger. I can barely look at th girls cos th guilt is horrendous. They luv him so much n this will really hurt him n i feel awful now. She said its wats best for th girls but it still feels like im doin summit wrong x
Hi kirstybellx. Welcome along to One Space
You're definately not the only one, so I hope you won't feel alone anymore. It's a wonderful site, full of support. Once you've posted, like you just did, someone will come along and reply at some point during the day and evening.
How old are the children? How many months gone are you? I'm sure your feelings are all over the place at the moment, and with another baby on the way, perhaps a bit scared too. Is the father still in contact with the children? Do you have support from family or friends? You will cope, and with support from us on here, you will get through the bad days. Of course it'll take time, but you will get there, as others here will tell you.