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My lovely ex just informed me that his new girlfiriend (that he told me didn't exist) is pregnant. Basically he hooked up with her as soon as we finished and she got pregnant straight away. He only just told me despite knowing for some time.
They are now in a relationship and trying to make a go of it. I had a chat with her and she seems nice and said she will try very hard to include my 2 kids in her life.
I'm annoyed at the complete lack of respect shown to me but ultimately my concern is for the kids (8 & 5) Clearly, they are going to have to integrate with this new family.
My head is mashed. Whats the best way to go about this? He has only just told them there is someone else in his life and so far they seem accepting of this but it is early days. He and I have arranged to sit down and have a chat and after that I think I should meet her before she is introdiced to them. This all has to be done quite quickly if they are to get to know her before the baby arrives.
How do I even attempt to handle this?
Lol I know I am being far too nice!1 I have an amazing Support Network Thank God. I have no intention of holding grudges against an innocent baby and I'm just going to have to accept that they may be excited about it! My worry is that it's too much too soon. If only he'd told me earlier, we would have been able to handle it differently.
I can only hope she's true to her word about being good to my kids. She works with children and we actually have friends in common who have re-assured me that there is nothing nasty or unpleasant about this girl. She acknowledges that I have been treated badly and has said that what ever happens she and I will have to try and get on and make sure the kids are part of each others lives.
But these things can change in a heartbeat. My ex has never been brilliant at providing for us, how is he going to cope with 2 families? If the relationship doesn't work out, will she still be so insistant in having them in her childs life.
Do you think it's a good idea for me to meet her and voice these concerns?
If she is decent then she will behave decently anyway. However it might be a good idea to meet her and say I am glad that the children will have someone nice like you in their lives and that it has all been a shock for them and I hope you and I can always co-operate for the good of everyone concerned.
What do you think?
Yeah, it's good that she is being reasonable and I can't really ask for any more from her. Him on the other hand......... Seems like I have to deal with it, she has to deal with it , yet he caused all this mess.
These kids are going to be bombarded with all of these new things so quickly now and while I respect the things she is saying, I can't help thinking she has no idea how hard this'll be.
Yes I agree, she probably has no idea of the complexities. But at least the will is there from you both, even if not from the father
Yeah, she seems nice, I feel for her, this can't be easy for her either but it's just words at the minute.
My son is hard work, and my daughter is ultimately loyal to me. She won't just naturally love them the way family do!
I know he's not up to it but she obviously thinks she can change him!! I understand why she's giving it a go.
I know I'm a good mum and my kids always come first!! Always will.
Good for you, I know this is really a horrible situation for you and you are doing really well to find s coping strategy like this 
I can only agree.
I'm muddlling through. What else can I do????????
Hi seriouslyannoyed, what else would you like to do?
I am reading this through and thinking that although you weren't prepared for this, you kind of know that your ex's partner is ok, so there won't be too many issues here. Your children get a new sibling (which may bring excitement for them) and your ex is the same as he has always been.
You ask what else can you do and I think there is nothing else to do other than get on with your own life. The pregnancy is your ex and his partner's business, your children will continue to see their dad as usual and the new baby will just fit in with all of this.
Thanks Guys. I know all this really but it's so hard to get used to. No matter what you all understand that my fear is for my childrens future.
Things are so strained between him and I at the minute, it may be a case that 'm going to have to try and form some sort of relationship with the girlfriend. That is going to be very strange.
Hi seriouslyannoyed, you are up early!
Of course your concern is for your children future, from the things you have said here, it sounds as though they will be fine, they have a fab mum and although your ex can be hard work, the new girlfriend sounds ok.
How long have you been separated seriouslyannoyed? I get the feeling it hasn't been very long. If not, you as a family have gone through a lot of changes and I imagine you just want things to settle, so that you can see how the future will pan out.
It will be strange forming a relationship with the girlfriend, however you may find in her a friend for life, you just never know, it has been known!
We spilt in Jan, well that's when he moved out, we knew it was dead in the water for a long time. I'm not a bit surprised he moved on so quickly.
The thing is our relationship is so up and down, obviously we split for a reason but there are so many years of History there. I'm told this is perfectly normal for separated couples but it is so tiring. We have kind of decided to have as little contact as possible for the time being (although the kids are still young, this isn't always practical) yet, the girl wants to meet me and get to know me.
I'd like them to have a relationship with their new sibling, I only hope we can all stay true to our word and try to make it as easy as possible.
Do you want to meet the girl?
This needs to be about what you want ie what you think is best for the children and yourself.
Many 'new partners' want to meet the ex, get to know the children and show that there is no animosity from them, (I did with a previous boyfriend of mine), however they don't realise that there may be open wounds, jealousy or difficulties for any number of reasons and therefore might deem the ex to be trouble or unreasonable.
But what they think is of no consequence. It would be great if you could have a good relationship with her, but tell us what kind of relationship YOU would like?
Well I have said that it might be very difficult for us to get along and if she is going to be part of their lives then sure I'd like to get to know her. I've been told she is very nice but I'd like to re-assure myself!
I think it would be better for the kids if we could get along, because in the long run there are going to be times when we all have to be together, maybe birthdays and stuff.
I know she feels like it could be all happy families now but what happens when she has her own baby to protect? I think this is going to be extremely difficult fo her too. This is her first child so she has no idea!! But I really can't fault the girl for trying
I think you're right, until the baby comes she doesn't really know what it is to be a parent, but as long as you feel ok about doing this, I think it sounds a sensible idea.
I actually do. I think if she is going to be a fixture, it's the rights thing to do , suck it up and wish them all the best. I know this man, she may well end up in my position one day
Yes indeed seriouslyannoyed, it sounds as though you are beginning to feel some peace about the situation?
At times Anna. But what if I meet her and she meets the kids and then they break up. Ordinarily I wouldn't have them meet her so soon in their relationship. What if he messes this one up too? What if there is another one next year and the year after. Does a leopard ever change it's spots???????
I never believed a leopard could change it spots, but I have been proved wrong.... once!
If the children meet the girlfriend and then she and your ex break up, the children will probably be more sad about missing out on the younger sibling, than her unless she has a 'certain way' with them and I believe that if they get on well with her and you two create an all right relationship, then they won't lose out on anything.
I suppose, but you see they barely know each other and if he couldn't change for somone he loved for 12 years, how will he change for somone he sort of likes for 18 weeks?
I'd love this to be the thing that makes him happy becauase I do still care for him, and I don't want to be with him so I have to expect that he'll be with someone else, but he fails to convince me.
I want to meet her, a few people are trying to talk me out of it but in the long run it'd be better for everyone if we can all grin and bear it.
Yes, I think it sounds like the right thing for you.
Ok done, I've asked him to get her to contact me, I'll meet her for coffee or something next week, then she can meet the kids.
I'm still not convinced of his committment to her but that's not my problem really. I have to do what's right by the kids, including hers
My son told me he is sad about the baby. I just said that the more people you have to love and to love you then the better your life is.
I said he should talk to dadddy about it!! Hope I am dealing with this right!!
Yes that was a good idea It's nice to acknowledge a child's feelings and then provide the reassurance...."Yes I understand you are sad, it will feel strange for you seeing dad have another family but......" etc You're doing a good job, I know it is hard to see the children go through things and sometimes you may feel you have to be Superwoman.
It feels like Daddy creates all these difficult situations then drops them home and I have to deal with all the confusion. I've bought them a phone and told them that at any time of the day or night if they have any worries or questions they can phone daddy.
Yes that is a thing that a lot of us can empathise with....that a situation is created by one parent and the other one has to mop up the consequences!
So it's set up!!!! Meeting the girlfriend tomorrow. Funny thing is I'm not nervous. I want her to be nice and hopefully it'll put my mind at rest a little.
Good luck!
x
if its any consolation, and i am sure it is not, i met my husband after he split with his partner of two years (he caught her cheating so not the same as your situation). they had a two year old boy (result of a one night stand but these things happen and thats why he stayed with her). However, we married 11 months after we met and 7 years later still happy. i love his son like my own and we happily share parenting, i get on well with his ex partner, although we arent buddies as such, the atmosphere between us is so positive that his son has thrived. children must be the priority in this and your two lovely kids will have a new sibling one day who will be in their life forever hopefully. i realised the damage first hand when my ex husband made my life difficult when we split and the harm to my two children with him still goes on over 10 years later. my daughter became anorexic and my son is now in prison with drug issues, they both believe this is due to the damage their dad to them when we split. hopefully you will undertsand what i am trying to say is the children are all innocent parties and if you can try and all be reasonable with each other it is for the best. hopefully you too will meet a new partner one day. x
It is great to hear other peoples stories, although it's distressing to hear the effect a bad break up has had on your kids. I assure you I have no intention of making life difficult for my ex. He moved on very quickly but I asked him to leave so what can I really say? I know there are times when things will hurt me (like when the baby is born - I'd have loved another baby, but chances are it won't happen now.)
In fact, as long as she proves to be kind, I have agreed more access so they can get to know her and integrate as a family. I think this is for the best. I had no idea I could be this reasonable!
She seems as anxious to meet me as I am her and I can only assume that's because she wants to meet them and get to know them. It's nice to hear you talk about your partners son in that way, and I know my kids are good kids and hopefully she becomes a fixture and learns to care for them.
As for me meeting someone ............... who knows? It's not as easy for me is it? But if they do end up spending more time with dad, maybe it's my time to get out more and enjoy myself at the very least!
Good luck, seriously annoyed and let us know how it goes
I did it, she is nice and she is going to be kind to my kids and now I can breate that sigh of relief.
I feel better for having done it!!!
Well done to you, hope you can relax a bit and the children will also sense this, if you do
I'm obviously going to feel uneasy about this for a while. I still don't think he can do this but I believe she will be nice to my children and that she wants them to be in the new baby's life
Hi seriouslyannoyed I am so pleased it went well and that you can breath a sigh of relief.
As Louise says your children will react and respond accordingly, if you are accepting of the new girlfriend then they will be too and it will make any new arrangements easier all round.
Yeah, then everyone can move on and be happy...................except me that is.
Ok, didn't really mean that. Just had to meet the ex and now I'm angry again.
I know no-one can replace their mummy but I feel like the 3 of them are heading off on some big adventure and leaving me behind.
Sending you lots of love. You're doing great.
My only advice is to feel your feelings, sit with them then, if you feel it's right, think about what action you can take (to move on I mean - to have your own adventure!)
Gem
x
PS don't climb Everest though - that's really dangerous. Try something smaller like ferret racing. I've always wanted to do that.
x
Thank You. Mini melt down last night but I'm ok. I suppose there are just going to be times when this hurts like hell.
The children are meeting the GF tomorrow so we'll have to see how that goes.
Yes it is hurtful, it is a real struggle at times. I think it is because it gets to something really "primitive" within us. I have heard the same from fathers where mum wheels someone new in and suddenly the kids are calling him "dad".
I agree with GEM, it really is a case of sitting with the feelings and deciding to have an adventure of your own.
Big hug
Thanks guys. Had a hard time yesterday evening. Thats the worst I've been yet. It just feels so unfair , that he messes our relationship up (twice), behaves like a hormonal teenager, lets the kids down, lies about having met someone - and he gets another chance at being happy. We won't even have split a year when the baby arrives. That is crazy.
Everyone keeps telling me how well I'm dealing with it and now I feel guilty for having a wobble.
Like I said, we have agreed more access so the kids can get to know her, so maybe this is my time to get out and about. I've never been interested in meeting anyone else as my focus has always been the kids, but surely I'm entitled to have some fun.
I don't want to sit about feeling sorry for myself and I'm not usually one to wallow in self pity, so I just need to shake myself. I'm off to 2 weddings next week, so that should be fun (and I'm leaving them with dad for 4 whole days - yikes)
I know, I know. Sometimes as parents we have to bite our tongues so very hard, and say "so I am actually the only adult in this situation" Hold your head high 
I'm trying, I really am ! I have no idea how to get out and have fun anymore so it's a learning curve there too.
hi ur lucky tho hun at least ur kids get to see thier dad, wish my kids saw their dads, all bin waste of spaces, look at it tht way
Well , he's not alway been the worlds best dad, but they love him and he seems to be making an effort. Wonder if it'll last when the new baby arrives
i no it must b hard,u wil b worried wonderin if it wil last,and then what, u b left to pick up the pieces, lets hope it last hun for ur kids sakex
Thanks, me too!!! They're meeting her today so lets hope it goes well.
let me no how it goes today x
Hello seriously annoyed
Good grief that is a lot to deal with all at once. Let's look at the positives....she is nice and it will be several months before the baby comes. The negative possibility is that the children will feel pushed out by the new baby. Mostly that will be down to their dad but you can help by referring to the baby as "your new sister/brother" although this will be awful for you to have to do.....EURRGH. You also need to tell them about the new baby in a positive light..."isn't it exciting, the new baby will love you" etc
I am sure you can do that but the one I am concerned about is YOU. Do you have a close friend/family member that you can privately vent to? or so you think seeing a counsellor for a few sessions would help? I am just thinking that you need an outlet for those feelings if you are having to be a right old Mary Poppins the rest of the time.