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Hi Bonkers, brilliant to hear that you are able to ignore his calls, well done you, not easy, but you are doing it. In a way it is like an addiction that you have to get over!
How did it go with the police??
I am off until Tuesday, but Louise will be online every day as will everyone else, just wanted to wish you a happy easter and catch up next week 
Hi there ,i slept a little better ,many thanks for asking !I am also napping during the day ..any time i catch is precious ..you are so right :)
Looking through some discussions on here i think i may have over stepped the line with my situation ..i am really sorry if i have offended anyone in any shape or form ..........i simply was looking for any kind of help/advice and i came across this group
Looking back now i realise it is more to do with parenting issues /children etc and i feel like i have intruded ....my sincere apologies :(
Hey bonkers, I am so glad to read that you are sleeping a little better, that always helps us to feel stronger.
One Space is a project provided by Single Parent Action Network and are here to support any parent who is raising their children on their own.
It could be said that as a single parent, any trauma that we experience will affect our children and our parenting, however you have not intruded at all. You are very welcome here. Whether you want parenting support, personal support, a rant or a rave, you are a single parent and we are here for you!
I have just uploaded an article on Surviving Grief and Trauma, which actually is pretty relevant to you, have a look, click on the Blue bold above and see what you think. I would love to hear your feedback!
Hi Bonkers. Please don't think you've intruded in any way. You haven't. you're a single Mum, has been and is going through a rotten time, so we're here to support you.
How has your day been? Did the police come round? Hope it went okay.
Awww thank you guys ,
My kids have been an amazing source of support even though they are hurting tremendously ,i feel guilty that i let this man into there lives ( first one that has lived me since there dad 14 yrs ago !) ,and let them grow to become so fond of him ..and for it to end like this ? Heartbreaking ,but we are all in this together ...obvioulsy i cannot discuss every detail to them ..horror of horrors ..no way !:) But this has been fantastic for me to vent my emotions ..i would like to say thank you SO much ...and i now have some reading to do :)
Thank you Anna,glasses on ...going in !
Hazel ,will let you know how it goes ,they are coming at 6 ..i don't think i have exhaled all day ,i am terrified :(
xx
Hi bonkers
Please let us all know how you get on tonight were all behind you,
Happy reading xx
hi bonkers let us no how u got on with th epolicex
Good morning and how are you today?
Hope you can see by the amount of support you have had that you are so NOT intruding.
Look forward to an update when you check in 
Good morning guys ,and i am overwhelmed at the support i have got from you guys ,thank you SO much ..you have helped me tremendously !
So the police came ,i had GOOD COP ,BAD COP ..it was not pleasent at all .I felt intimadated by the bad cop who was asking me if i was sure i wanted to continue with the case as i had met up with the defendant ,and i obviously still loved him !!Well excuse me Mr ,i cannot just turn my feelings on and off like a tap ,of course i loved him ..he has been a major part of my life for over 2 yrs ..!!!That does take away the fact that he raped me several times ...of course i am still going to persue this ,i will not let him do it to another woman ,i will not let him think it is ok to do this kind of thing ,how dare you suggest i pull out !..The bad cop then continued to intimidate me by saying that he was looking at ( my ex) 5-7 yrs if this goes to trial ,am i sure this what i want ? Man he gave me all barrels .....but i did not waver and told him to send the file to the CPS .i am doing this !!!.The good cop then decided that i had enough from the bad cop and spoke up .."you have undermined your case somewhat ,it doesnt look good that you met up with him ,he raped you ..but it will go ahead ,yes you wobbled and i can only apologise that the police did NOT step in when you asked us too ,i have no idea why no-one came to see you when you asked ,so we must take a portion of the blame ,please do not talk to him again ( i have not may i add !) ,we will now contact him and warn him if he comes near you again he will be arrested ." Well hallelujah !Finally ....
So guys ..it was not nice to be spoken to like a naughty child ,but i did not let the bad cop get to me .. i will know in the next few weeks if the file they send the CPS will be enough to take this all the way ......
Sorry if this has gone on a bit ..i am angry ,upset ,emotional ...i am a wreck really !But onwards and upwards .........i hope you are all well ?
Many thanks again ,
xx
Hiya bonkers your doing this
Well done for sticking with it! Brill I'm pleased for you, whatever the CPs decide you know you have done everything you can to put this man in his place.
The police have a tough job, and are improving I'm lucky I have a new dv unit at my local police station but some police forces seem to be lurking a little behind despite their zero tolerance dv policy's and shiny websites.However this often boils down often to the individual police officers sadly this can lead to what you experienced with bad cop,iv met brillent officers and appareling ones, iv been told before ' there's no point arresting him he'll be out in a few hours' bla bla bla they let their views spill over into their job.
So despite bad cop turning up the pressure you stood firm and that's not easy and you said you were quite worried about the visit so your a strong person that takes courage and you did it x
X
Your bound to be emotional after that and in my opionion the police should of been supportive towards you but like I said they are improving,
I d
Found every time a different officer came out I had a different approach or response depending on their ability and knowledge or lack of it in responding to a dv call.
It crossed my mind several times when "Badcop"was bombarding me that he was testing my resolve .....and in the end i was relishing in the grenades that he was throwing at me ..i stopped shaking suddenly ,looked him square in the eys and said " I loved that man with my whole being ,he abused that love with the cheating ,lies ,beatings, and finally to rape me ? You honestlt believe because i met him ,let him cry to me,let him hold me ,let him kiss me ,that i would give up all that i have done so far for the chance to have him do it again ? No ,send the file to the CPS ,tell them i wobbled by all means ,but also tell them that when i asked for YOUR support to keep him away from me ,you buckled ..you are as guilty as i am in letting me meet him ,you should have come running ..4 times i contacted you in 7 days ..NOTHING ,you did nothing ..so please don't think that i am going to take this lying down ..i'm going all the way with this ..and some ! "..
He then apologised ....well blow me down !!
So onwards and upwards indeed ....
Love you guys .....your not strangers to me anymore 
xx
WOW and DOUBLE WOW well done you!!!!! I totally agree he was testing your resolve, that is what I was thinking while I was reading it. The police have seen many times that complaints are withdrawn at a later date and I guess they were making sure you were really intending to go through with it. My own opinion is that if women making these complaints were given more support from specialised DV officers from the earliest stages then many more cases would go to court; so many victims are subsequently intimidated by the perpetrator again.
I loved what you said to him. Whatever the outcome of this, Bonkers, you KNOW that you have valued yourself too much to let this go and I hppe that makes you feel proud of yourself
Hey Bonkers. You certainly showed the bad cop didn't you? Well done you, for being so brave, and giving them what for. You're amazing, really you are. I hope you're proud of yourself
You seem to be growing stronger everyday, which is fantastic. Hope you get a good night sleep tonight.
Happy Easter. x
Yay-way to go Bonkers. I feel so proud of your strength of courage!!.
When I think of your original post the most shocking and disturbing part which made me really angry was the facebook entry of your ex to his friend. Not only was he gloating about what he had done but actively encouraging another man to do something similar.
If you are ever made to feel that you should drop this in the future please keep that memory in your mind. You deserve justice, this man needs to be stopped and it could be our daughters in the future who experience this sexual violence. (There endeth my rant-ha,ha!!).
I hope you can put this stress to one side and enjoy easter with your family x
Hold that thought ...oh lord ,the police are on there way as i type ,he is 200yrds away from me in the pub ,he will NOT stop txting me ,and leaving me silly messages on my landline answer machine .i actually feel intimidated and know what he can do with a drink .shaking like crazy here ,have told the police that he was warned again yesterday about contacting me ...and here he is again ignoring the warnings ..oh man i am scared ......police on there way ..............
He is now in the cells and facing a long weekend in them ,i can exhale !
Sorry for the last message ,i was actually terrified for some reason ? But am taking back control of my life ....i will NOT let him do this to me ..warrior !hehe
Well what can i say to you guys ..thank you just does not seem enough ,i am growing stronger as the days go on ....and this latest episode of him trying to manipulate me has just proven that i can do this ...i can go all the way .whooo hoo !
I will sleep peacefully tonight knowing i am safe ..for the weekend at least ,i expect a bashlash from him as he is going to be so angry ...but police have priotied my calls so i feel somewhat safer ? Speed dial me thinks lol ...
Good night my friends ,i hope you are all sleeping well ? Good ;)
Speak son ..and thank you once again !
xx
Well done for such prompt action, that IS what you need to do is anything happens, and in the end he will learn.
Have a peaceful weekend now and not too many choccie eggs! (this comes from someone who has one egg and has eaten half of it already whoops)
Hi bonkers how are you today? ;)
Hi there ,i am doing ok i think ...i know i am safe because he is locked up until at least Tuesday ....so why do i feel so bad ? But he brought it all on himself ...
And how are YOU mrs ,are you coping ok ........lots of choccie eggs in the house i bet :)
Hi bonkers I think it's normal to carry the guilt but of course your absolutely right he brought it on himself he know he's not allowed to contact you so if he has any sense he will lern won't he x
I am just going through some emotional confusion about my ex it's cos iv seen him I think,
And I think iv hovered five times so far! Chocolate everywhere and the recycling bins full of boxes xx
Have a good day bonkers
Hi Bonkers, I was off over the Easter weekend, but am back online today and catching up with messages.
Wow what a busy few days you have had! You have stood up to the police AND put them in their place, and also you have found the courage to call the police when he was harrassing you. This is all very difficult at the best of times, but when you still feel emotionally attached to someone, it is all the harder, so it was understandable to read that on Sunday you were feeling pretty rotten.
You had been surviving on adrenalin and then you hit the low.
How are you doing IDT, did you mean hoovering earlier, or have you actually hovered 5 times!!?
Haha ,i wondered if she was hovering too ....."Do i hoover now ..or just wait until they have ALL finished "? ...;)
Yes it has been an eventful weekend ,i have shed a few tears as this is the longest i have not heard from him and i wonder if he is ok ? Despite him contacting me daily ,be it one way ot another ,i never responded ,so all in all i have not spoke to him for just over a week now !I feel stronger everyday ..but i also feel the guilt of "Have i punished him enough "? Such a strange feeling :( The police contacted me this morning to tell me he has been released ,they have also upped his bail conditions ,he is not allowed in the area at all now ,so not only has he been locked up he has also lost contact with his friends as they all drink in the local next to my house !Oh dear ..pangs of guilt are enormous ....but he did it to himself ....now the waiting game starts until i hear from the CPS as to which way this is going to go .........
Thank you for asking after me ,i really appreciate it ...it is such a relief to be able to talk about it and not be judged ,i have my friends... but they obviously think that he deserves all that he is about to get !
IDT ,how are you hun ..?
xxxx
Hi Bonkers, of course you wonder if he is ok, you have spent time loving, caring and considering this chap throughout your relationship, so it is natural that this continues, it is very hard to just stop feeling in an instant.
Keep reminding yourself that he created all of this, I know that you are already doing this, but any feelings of guilt - he has created. If anything, allow yourself to be angry with him for putting you in a situation where you do feel guilty.
It is a complicated emotion and one that friends and family can find it hard to understand if they have not experienced similar, they will see it very black and white.
Have you considered attending a Freedom Programme locally?
Hi Anna ,i have heard a lot about the Freedom programme ,i would like to know more ,and yes i would consider it .
I also followed the link that you posted here the other day ...it was uncanny that i was experiencing all the emotions on the trauma trail !
Yes you are right ,my mother seems to think that i shall buckle and go back to him ,though why he would want me back after everything that i am putting him through ,is beyond me ....i would hate me if i were him ,yet he claims to love me immensley ......and i do find that hard to believe !I do get angry ..then sad ..then angry etc...."Sigh"..such a vicious circle :(
hi bonkers yes it does seem like a vicious circle, i tuk my ex bk countless times,where did it get me tho, nowhere,i felt worse, my ex left countless messages pleadin for me to giv him another chance, yet when i did he let me down again, it was confusing,he foudn loads excuses for me to contact him, like he ad accident at work and cud i ring him, pathetic, i didnt giv in tho, so he turned up givin me grief, i av dun the freedom programme, it is gud, is there one in ur area,x
Hi Bonkers, you could have a go on the Freedom Programme (click) here on One Space to see what you think, you will learn all about how abusive men will try and lure their partner back to them, whether it is swearing undying love, threatening to commit suicide or the two extremes of looking dishevelled and not coping (to pull on your heart strings) or buying new designer clothes (make us feel jealous)
These are all tactics and everything your ex does will be a tactic from here on in. Of course he would take you back, why not, you sound lovely. Also if you did take him back he would know that you would be putty in his hands and he could get away with whatever he wanted. He has mistreated you in the most inhumane way and it is not surprising that you are going through a mass of different emotions.
Did you call any of the helplines that we linked to in the end? I do believe it would be good to get as much face to face support as you can right now, to thrash it all out and get it dealt with. How are you finding the counselling?
Hi Anna ,the counselling is going fine ,but i must admit i do not tell her everything ? I find myself closing down ,i say i am doing fine when in fact i am not ? I really do not know why i cannot tell her ,yet i tell all on here ? I see her once a week and she is lovely ,but as i say i do not feel comfortable ..very strange !
I wish i could just run away from it all now ,the strain is taking it's toll on my famliy now ,plus the fact that my ex has txt my kids and told them that he was in the house a few weeks ago ,has not gone down well ......i should of seen that coming ,i had ignored all his contact and it was not going down well with him ,he kept saying he needed to talk to the kids and tell them we wanted to get back together ? Still i ignored him ..so yep ..lets tell her kids i have seen her ..maybe she will talk to me then !I was horrified ,and of course so were my kids ,he txt them in a group convo ....i cried so much when they confronted me ..and then i called the police , he had to be stopped .........now i hate him more then ever for what he has done to my famliy ..
Hi Bonkers, this chap is going to keep pestering you. I think you are doing a brilliant job of rebuffing him, although I can only imagine how upsetting his most recent tactic was.
Were you able to talk with your children and explain things? These are valuable life lessons for them too. Can you encourage them to delete his number off their phones?
It is understandable that you dont tell your counsellor everything, there is only so much time and I am presuming some things just feel too uncomfortable, however Bonkers, do use her to your advantage, if there is something that is nagging you or bothering you, raise it in one of your sessions.
Your family sounds like a strong unit and you WILL get through this, how about a bit of treat for all of you one evening this week?
Hi bonkers how are you doing ?
Have to say Anna,the police were excellent ..they had my kids in the room and explained everything to them ...that no matter what i had done nothing wrong ..my son came over and cuddled me and just said i was a fool and how he wished i had told them !Made me ceven more ,my daughter is not so forgiving :( She is such an opiniated person and is not afraid of saying exactly what she thinks ,and she was disgusted with me ..harsh .Over the weekend she calmed down quite a lot ,but i know she thinks that i have a weak case now ...i have tried to explain that this happens a lot apparently ( think the police should do more to prevent it !) it's manipulation ans i feel for it !I have learnt my lesson now ...and him txting you say's it all really ,he will stop at nothing to get to me ..but not anymore !Grrrrr ..warrior here :)
Hey IDT ,how are you hun ? I am having a ok-ish kinda day ,feel very drained today .....but hey ho ...
So tell me what you been up too ....are you still "Hovering "about :)
x
Hi Bonkers, that is great that the police explained things to the children, no doubt they are hurting too and need to process everything that has gone on.
Is it possible that you and your daughter can spend some quality time together, a little treat just for you two?
Indeed ,we did go shopping on Monday and it was great ,i still have some ground work to do regarding not telling her ,but i am hopeful she will come round .I am done crying over the mistakes that i have made ( really should have learnt by now if the saying is true ? ) and i am going to concentrate on the case that i have coming up .."sigh"..
I do appreciate your support ( each and everyone of you ) and i will keep you informed as to how this pans out ..once again thank you guys !
x
I'm glad to read how your doing today bonkers x
Just wanted to say hi and thinking of you x
hi how are u hun, ope ur ok xx
Hi Bonkers I have been off for a few days and have been glad to catch up with your news. Just a suggestion: how about writing down the stuff it is hard to say to your counsellor and you can decide whether to just give her the piece of paper. I work as a counsellor and a couple of clients I have worked with have felt it helpful to write it to me
Morning ladies ,i hope you are all well on this snowy day ? what is going on with that uh !:)
I have just heard from the police ..the file is now in the hands of the CPS ,please tell me why i am suddenly shaking like a leaf, and why i am so nervous all of a sudden ..how ridiculous ......
Sorry Louise ,we must have just crossed each other .I have considered doing that ...and i shall do that ..it's a great idea indeed .Thank you .
Hi Bonkers, the reason you feel so nervous is the reality of the situation. You may well have been running on automatic mode whilst you get through these last few weeks, however as you have had a bit of 'breathing' space from him, you have been able to relax.
Please do not think any of your reactions are 'ridiculous', that is not fair on you sweetheart, you have been through an awful ordeal and any emotions that you have are your natural ones, so embrace them and allow them to happen and then pass.
Good morning Bonkers, how was your night, I do hope it was a bit better and you got some sleep. At the times when my sleep was bad I would try a quick nap in the daytime as you have done and another thing I learned was that it was as good to rest my mind as it was to rest my body...so even if you manage a short lie-down with restful music and concentrating on deep breathing, then that is beneficial.
Let us know how you get on with the police