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I am in bits right now, I have just found out that my ex raped me several times. I left him a few weeks ago and it was not a very nice separation ,but it had been a long time coming as he was becoming abusive physically and emotionally.
I would often wake up after a night out and be very sore down below. I would question him about this pain and he would always say I was drunk and must have hurt myself ?
A few days later, bruises would appear on my arms and inside my legs.
Again I would question him and he would deny he did anything .
After I had asked him to leave he became very aggressive and then mellow, begging me to take him back ,but we were over. I had enough of him cheating on me ( yes I caught him 3 times, please don’t ask me why I stayed, I will never know. I had his Facebook password, he never knew this and decided to see if what he was saying about me was true.
I had heard numerous rumours, I clicked open on his messages and nearly passed out when I had seen what he had written to a friend about me. I quote yes i plied her with drink ,when she had passed out i would have anal sex with her ,it was the only time i could do it lol ,you should try it ,they have no idea and if they question deny it like i did lol she deserved it ...] So my suspicions were correct.
I have gone to the police with this information but suddenly his friend is saying he did not see the messages and they were not written.
I feel so alone
I am ashamed I stayed with him when I knew he had done this. He manipulated me. I was unaware until now how much he controlled me.He is still contacting me begging me to take him back even though he has bail conditions ..please help me ,i feel myself weakening daily
I am numb, please help !
Hi there ,and thank you so very much .
I have contacted the police 3 times to tell them that he has broken his bail ..they have done NOTHING ..how am i suppose to keep strong if they are not doing there part ? I feel so alone ..i do have a counsellor but just feel i cannot tell her everything ,i am so vunerable at the moment and my ex is wearing me down .......how low can i go ?
Thank you for helping ,i am at my wits end right now .:( x
You can do this and we are here to help you
You need to report EVERYTHING even if you feel like the police haunt done anything as it is building up a picture of what your ex is doing.
How often do you see your ex , do you have children together?
We have no children together ...i have 2 living with me ..they know what is going on and despise him !
I have not seen him for 6 weeks although he has contacted me nearly everyday in one way or another !He has bail conditions that he has broken ,yet the police are doing nothing ......i finally gave in and saw him this weekend ,i am ashamed .he was crying uncontrollerbly .....i was so sad to see him like this ,yet he did it to himself ? Oh what a mess .....i cannot stop crying ..what a mess ...
So does he have bail conditions not to contact you directly or in directly? If that's the case you must report him every time as it's the only way to deal with him I'm afraid.
Have you herd of the freedom program ?maybe someone else can link as I have no idea how to do it.
You have done so well bonkers I really feel for you I have been in a sinker place to where you are x
You have done the best thing really for yourself and your children
You deserve so much better than him dry your tears honey he's not worth it big hug from me x
Dear Bonkers, thank you for coming online and sharing what has been going for you. I agree it was very brave of you to go to the police and also very brave coming on here and asking for support.
I am so sorry to read what your ex partner did you to and would really like it if you contacted Rape Crisis (click) to talk with professionals and get face to face support with this, if you feel able.
Please also contact Womens Aid for extra support too. REach out to as many places as possible as you have experienced the most abhorrent trauma to your mental health and your body.
Try not to feel ashamed, forgive yourself, you were under his illusion that he created to keep you in place.
You feel like you are weakening towards his advances, this is normal too, we often run to our abuser when we feel at our lowest (crazy but true), so do use the helplines on the links that I have given above (Womens Aid is 24hr)
Write down all the reasons why you choose not to be with him. If you feel weak you could write down all the reasons why you would choose to be with him. You may find that that list is very short - 'because I love him' - which although may feel like the strongest emotion currently. His behaviour isn't love and what you feel towards him isn't love it is fear, manipulation, self preservation (he would stop hounding you if you gave in etc).
Do you have any close friends or family that can support you at the moment?
Hi there, I missed the rest of yours and IDT's conversation.
It would be brilliant if you were able to do the Freedom Programme, you can either do it here online or have a look for one locally.
At the end of an abusive relationship the abusive partner tries to lure his partner/victim back by being a persona described as 'The Persuader', this tactic includes threateneing suicide, crying and saying he has nowhere else to go. He may threaten to hurt the pets or himself and as a result we drop any charges and have him back.
Read more about the Tactics of an Abuser
I have my best friend and my mum ,they would be horrified to find out that i am weakening as they think i am a very strong person ,inside i am crumling !
I have tried to phone Rape crisis but am having no joy ...i shall keep trying .
Your support is much appreciated ,thank you .
I must admit that in the 3 years i was with him he showered me with love ,he adored me to the point that he became obsessive..that was scary ,it was only when i felt i was been suffocated that i asked him to leave .he was mortified ....and then angry and thats when he wrote what he did ..i was horrified and went straight to the police ,they charged him with rape straight away! I was amazed at how quickly it moved ....6 weeks on and he has broken every condition he was given ,i informed the police 2 weeks ago and they have nothing to protect me ...is it no wonder i became weak ,no wonder i gave in ? oh god what a mess i am in .........
I am sorry that you are unable to get through to Rape Crisis, the helpline is open 12 - 2.30pm and then 7 - 9.30pm.
Have you tried the domestic abuse helpline? 0808 2000 247 its open 24 hours
I also think that you need to contact the police again as it is not ok that he has broken bail and that you are concerned for your safety and wellbeing.
Have Victim Support been in touch with you since you reported it?
No one has been in touch since it happened ,and i have just heard from the police .....they have said that the investigation was still on going and that they wanted me to focus on my counselling rather then the case?
I am a mess ....i am thinking of just turning my back on it all and running .....whats the point ? I still love my ex ,i cant bear to see him hurting like this ........i cant do this anymore..
Hi Bonkers, as I said earlier, what you are feeling isn't love it is a mixture of confused emotions including fear, manipulation and wanting all this to just go away. It is understandable that you feel these emotions, but please recognise that it isn't love. Your ex doesn't love you in an acceptable way either, love is kind, gentle, warm and keeps you safe.
Here are a couple more numbers that you can try as I feel you need to talk to someone right now:
Rape and Abuse Helpline 0808 8000 123 open 7pm - 10pm every day
Victim Support 0845 30 30 900 open 9am – 9pm Mondays to Fridays & 9am – 7pm weekends
You say you can't bear to see your ex hurting like this....how is he hurting? How are you hurting? How are your children hurting after what he has done? Do you believe that if you forgave him and went back with him now, he would have learnt his lesson and never be so dispicable again, using sexual violence on you?
Please I urge you to seek some telephone support before you crack, once you go back to him, it will be so much harder to leave again.
Can you turn your phone off too, so that you don't have contact with him?
The mess is enormous ...after several attempts at telling the police he would not leave me alone ..i buckled and saw him this weekend ......
I have finally heard from the police and they tell me he has contacted them to say i was contacting him ..utter lies ..omg he has duped me ,what a fool .i am in bits !!
The police have just rang AGAIN to say they are coming to see me asap ..i am terrified ,am i in trouble ? oh god what do i do .......
Hi bonkers
The police DO understand, you should be honest with them I think, tell them how it is for you, keep it simple ie kept it factual but dont be afraid to talk to them
Did they say why they wanted to come to see you?
The police know how women ( and men behave) eg if you have met up with him the police are trained in domestic abuse and know how hard it is fir someone to leave their abuser so please try not to worry to much ;) I'm sure you will be fine x
Hi bonkers. I am so sorry that you have been through such awful abuse. You've done really well in reporting him, and getting out of the relationship. Please keep reporting and logging down everytime this man contacts you. He is isn't hurting bonkers, the person that is hurting and suffering is you, and also your children, seeing you go through this too.
I hope the police have been helpful, and you feel more reassured since talking to them. Please get in touch with the links that Anna has left for you.
We're all here to support you too.
I cannot stop crying ...i feel totally ashamed of myself ...i feel like a naughty child ..i am trying so hard to contact the lines you have gievn me ,but to no avail ...i think i shall just go to bed ,i am tired of the emotional battering he has given me this weekend .so tired
Hi bonkers
I hope your managing to sleep as the emotional rolercoaster is so tiring
YOU have nothing at all to be ashamed of he on the other hand has he is the one in the wrong he's a grown up and in full control of his actions
Ok so you met up with him in my opinion that's perfectly normal I did the same when my ex was on bail we met for coffee as I needed to be sure and luckily I made the right choice and kicked his sorry arse out of our lives.
Just take it bit by bit x
One thing with women's aid is the national number can be a little busy
They will have a local number, if you search woman's aid follows by your local area into a search engine it should give you your local woman's aid and chances are they are not so busy
This is what I found anyway x
Good morning bonkers, I am sorry to read that your evening was so emotional, also that you were having no luck with any of the helplines.
Imdoingthis (IDT) has given some good advice, try googling your local womens aid.
I am sorry to say that the guilt you feel about seeing your ex at the weekend and wondering what the police want are all part of his game plan. As hazeleyes your ex isn't hurting right now, he might 'say' he is, but I don't believe so for a minute, he might be 'upset' that he got caught writing what he did to his mate and I really hope he feels dreadfully ashamed for his actions, but I very much doubt that he feels hurt, scared, emotional, heart broken etc.
So put yourself first, he will continue to lie and may well lie in court if it comes to that, so keep trying those numbers, keep reaching out for support.
Rape is hugely damaging on a person emotionally and mentally, during wars it is used as a form of torture, dominance and control and there is no excuse for it. Please do not blame yourself for any of this.
What time are the police coming?
Hi bonkers how are you today?
Hi there ....i got myself into a right pickle yesterday ..i slept so badly i feel like a zombie ( actually ..thats how i am most days anyway ! :0 ) ,but thank you so much for asking .
I feel a bit better today .i realise i have done NOTHING wrong ..he has manipulated me ,broke me ,cornered me ,and tbh i blame a lot of it on the police who didn't respond to my cries of help when i said he would not leave me alone !They have apologised and said that they deal with it daily ..shouldn't they do something to stop it if it is happening daily ? Hmmmm ..
Anyway ,i am now ignoring his calls ,txts ,pleading etc ..i am going to be strong again ..i have come so far ......and with the help and advice from guys like you ,i know i can do it !
Thank you so much .........you are amazing !
How are you today ?
x
Yes you can do it and your doing so well so pat yourself on the back x
I'm glad to hear your feeling a bit better today you sound positive today :)
X
How did you get on with calling woman's aid? They are there to help you through this bonkers you don't have to go through this alone we are here and there is support out there x
hi bonkers,
i just read your post and felt compelled to offer my sympathy to you. I was in a relationship 1o years ago and my partner used to have sex with me when i was asleep, regularly. I thought it was normal. It was mostly if id had a drink on friday or saturday night , i would wake up the next morning with the results of his pleasure on my body. hed say we had done soemthing the night before but i was so drunk i mustnt remember?? yet id be fully clothed and he would do it from behind when i was asleep.I really thought it was normal in a relationship and thought as the dutiful girlfriend it was my duty to provide him with sex on tap. luckily since then and many relationship later i realsied that if a man respects and loves then he wouldnt lay a finger on you when ur asleep, drunk or sober!!! I never told anyone but it was very distressing for me as i had to buy the morning after pill so many times. luckily i didnt see the swine for many many years and probably never will again.Please dont let feelings of guilt weaken your choices. write down what he has done and if u start to weaken ,. just look at it. You deserve much much better !!
Thank you Donna ,i can relate to everything you have said ....i was often so intoxicated ,it was alarming !My friends would voice there concerns regulary, and like a fool i would just say i was a lightweight ! Little did i know he was getting me drunk on purpose ( and now i believe drugging me too)to do acts with me that i would never normally consent too ....i would not be able to stand within 3 hours of me been in the pub ,very unlike me as i could drink a horse under the table !I should have opened my eys and left him months and months ago when i had my supicions ,but i wanted to believe that this was not how the story was going to end ....i am so ashamed i stayed with him ...and yes i still miss him ,love him ,but what he has done is so wrong ..i have to keep focused on that and try and stay strong ..he is very manipulative ......
Onwards and upwards i hope ......
Thank you for sharing ..it means so much from all of you !;)
xx
yes i know how u feel bonkers, that man i was with for 4 years and he treated me like sh*t as well as the rape. i would kick him out andtell him we were finshed and withiin hours id be thinking what have i done, how will i live without him, and id miss him so much i wud phone and beg him to come bk. i doen it several times. looking back , i was just scared to be alone and its a horrible feeling that fear. eventually he left and done me a big favour.it will get better , one day at a time xx
Awww ...its the loneliness that is the killer ,yet i would often crave my space when he was here ? But now that he has gone for good ..well it hurts !He has broken his bail so often in the last month and all because he cannot bear to live without me ,yet he did this to me ? He is in trouble and he knows it ,i wonder if that is why he is so desperate to have me back so i will drop the charges ? He swears blind that he just misses me so much etc ..i met up with him at the wekend ..was a huge mistake ,but i just could not help it ...an invisible thread was pulling me to him ,what a fool .....the police know all this and assured me not to worry ,but i am so very worried .......and i still fell sorry for him :( What a mess uh .....
x
Bonkers I still feel sorry for my ex why? I have no idea only I guess they are good at it... We feel the guilt when in fact we haunt done anything wrong
My situation is a bit different to yours he didn't get me drunk although he did use alcohol to get his way I guess, I understand how it leaves you feeling it used to take me weeks to try and piece together what had happened on one night and slot of the time I never did but just had the 'evidence' of him etc
Just remind yourself bonkers your out of that now ;) well done x
Hi Bonkers,
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It is horrid and the churning mix of emotions you're experiencing is sadly totally normal and understandable.
As well as sending you hugs and adding my support to the others, can I just offer something from my experience.
Going back or answering his calls come's from the emotional attachment you had with him and to be honest you wouldn't be a feeling human if you could shut those feelings off straight away. My experience taught me that nothing good in the long term ever came from having further contact with my ex once I had the courage to end it. I just ended up counting more losses.
Lonliness is a huge reason in my opinion and I really wish I'd had the support of this site to draw strength from (that and 'blocking his number'!!).
I'm so glad that he is not your children's father and that you will be able to free yourself from him completely.
Stay strong and know that you are not alone xxx
Thank you for the amazing support ,today has been a good day ...i have ignored his every attempt to talk to me ..be it one way or another .
Maybe tomorrow i will fall apart again who knows,but for now i feel strong !
I pray that sleep comes easily as that is my biggest fight at the moment ..the lack of sleep despite tabs from my Dr .....my eyes want to close but my brain goes into overdrive ,it's a killer ....
I hope you ladies are having a good day so far ...if there is ANYTHING i can help YOU with ( says the emotional wreck !) please feel free to ask :)
xxx
Bonkers I'm sure your days may be up and down honey some days you feel stronger than others ;) and we are here for the up and down days as you ride the waves x
I didn't sleep maybe a few hrs per night when I left my ex so I do understand my brain couldn't switch off, be kind to yourself x
You can help me by venting on here when you need to xx
Awww ..Imdoing this ...you have been amazing ,thank you so much :)
Well i have just had a deleivery again ( yesterday flowers !) ..today he has sent all my boots ,shoes,and clothes back that he took when he went ..his friend has just dropped them all off ...as the saying goes... "These boots are gonna walk all over you"....Huge mistake ......
Stay strong ladies :) xxx
Hi there bonkers and IDT, I think it is great that you can come on here and vent, shout, be angry or cry.
I have used a smokers forum, when I was giving up and found it sooo therapeutic, so please feel free to just get your emotions out, you are in a safe place here.
I love what Poppy10 said and something you can hold onto bonkers - he isn't the father of your children, so in the long term, you don't have to know him. I know right now, you are confused about how you feel about him, but one day, this man will be in the past.
When you go to sleep, do you do any relaxation exercises? Deep breathing? Tensing and then relaxing from your toes all the way up to your forehead? Putting negative thoughts into an imaginary box? Or writing them down instead of them whirring around your brain?
Well, good for getting your belongings back, that's at least one loss you won't have to endure!! :)
Hi Anna ,it is great yes ,my house would look like it had been burgled if i could not come on here :)
I have a routine now ..i bathe,i have candles,i have music ...and i do this all at the same time of an evening ..i then climb into bed ,switch on the TV for a while ..relax ......and then get up and make some more hot chocolate cos i can't sleep !!!.....Vicious cicrle ..but i am smiling at the moment because it just seems incredible that i have been reduced to this ...
No he is not the father ..the kids father has been amazing through this i have to say ..who would have thought !
xx
Haha ..would love my TV back ..but am guessing i would be pushing it ...and plus it would be the contact he is craving i guess ...
I asked him why he took all my stuff when he went ,his reply "To inconvienience you "..and he sure did ,but hey ho ..
So ladies can i ask ..how long from the charge ..to the court would you roughly say it takes ?
On average it's six months I believe from the time of the afence
Oh right ...thank you ...i hope i stay strong until then :)
Hi Bonkers,
Me again!. My ex took things like, the cordless phone, TV remote control, even the sensor from my daughter's Wii (pretty low-huh!) amongst other things just to inconvenience me. As infuriating as it was most of these things were replacable on E-bay..as the advert goes...not taking my spirit-'priceless'!.
On a different note. A friend of mine took a past sexual abuser to court. She was given an allocated female police officer who specialised in sexual/domestic abuse crime who supported her throughout the whole process which took some time. Could you ask if there is a similar officer in your police locality who could support you?. :)
Hello me again ..:)
My god ...he took my house phone ,my computer cable ,my virgin box ( no use to him at all !) my contract on my mobile was cancelled ....and so much more ..how uncanny is that haha ..silly twat ,just made himself look foolish as bit bit he is returning them .doh !!!;)..replaced they were indeed ,my birthday was the week before he left ,he bought me quite a bit of jewllery ..guess what ? Yep ,took it all back and exchanged it for a new plasma ,a home phone ,and treated myself to a flash new iron ........lol ...
On a more serious note ..i have asked the police to help me through this as i am terrified i asmit ...i fail miserably at times to smile ,but today has been a good day ...i have ignored him completley ...as hard as it was, i did it !
Thank you Poppy ,you guys on here are great !;)
x
Hi Bonkers, it is fantastic that so many people have come on here to support you. As you say, one day might be good, another bad. Try not to worry too much about the sleeping thing, I only slept about 3 hours a night for a year during my divorce and its aftermath and it does eventually settle down. Every day you get a day nearer your life moving forward and I loved what Poppy said...most of the stuff can be replaced from ebay but he can't take your spirit, that is priceless
Morning guys ,
Sleep does not come easy these days ( or nights !) ,it's a constant battle that i seem to lose ,i walk around looking like a zombie most of the time ,not a good look as i approach middle age !;)Even with sleeping tabs ..its a restless sleep .....and so on and on ......
Anyway ..i hope you all have a great day ,and thank you for the fantastic support .......xxxx
Your welcome bonkers x
Hey ,how are YOU today ,Imdoing this ?
Tell me more about you ,i feel as if i know you :)
x
Hi bonkers I have a thread on here the first one is 'why is he hurting our children' My new one is ' the great escape' It's very long ! But if you read the first post it sums me up! Iv had amazing support from this site as my ex took me to court to try and get the children took away from me. You feel as if you know me because we are or have been through simler stuff so you can feel and understanding with someone who's been there! :)
hi bonkers how are u todau, well my ex ad sex with get policer and soliter me whn i was aslleep. or id wake up to him avin sex with me,once he kneed me very hard in the back when i was aslleep. it took my breath, he said he was asleep, unbelievable,my ex dragin me thru court for acess to our little girl, it never endsx please dont giv in to him, i took my ex back countless times,x ad get police and solicter to get rid of himx
Sorry to hear of your experience Kiera ,i am glad for your advice ,thank you .Yes i have weakened several times ,but i am getting stronger now and will not go back to him ..no matter what .
I have the police coming to see me tomorrow so i will wait to see how that goes and let you know ...
Im in this ...just going to have a look through your old threads ....
x
Good day bonkers, I hope today has been as good as yesterday was. I was wondering if you were able to have an afternoon kip at all to catch up on some sleep so that you don't feel so strung out?
How old are your children are they in school?
Hi Anna ,i have had a good day today ,i have been inundates with calls and txts from him ...but i have ignored each and everyone ...i feel stronger with each day that passes ,be it i do miss him ,i shall not buckle !
I have 3 children ,1 is still at school ,the other 2 work ...and they have been a tremendous support .They would be deverstated if they knew that i had been in contact with him as they despise him now .......very, very sad as they initially adored him :(
I creapt into bed at around 10am this morning ..i have been up since 5am ....and managed to snooze for a while ,it was much needed ,i need to stop fighting with my brain at bedtime ..it's exhausting !
Thank you for asking how i am ,that is much appreciated ,Anna
I hope you are well :)
Hi bonkers I'm glad you've had a good day today ;)
Hi Bonkers. Just been reading through your posts, since you first began the thread. Wanted to say how well you're doing, take one day at a time, and you'll get there in the end. I'm so pleased that you've confided in the police, and they are seeing you tomorrow. They are there to protect and help you, so call on them anytime you need too.
Hope you manage a better sleep tonight. Have you anything planned for the Easter weekend?
Thank you guys,i will let you know the outcome of the visit tomorrow .
Strange, but i feel a whole lot stronger suddenly ,yes i miss him dreadfully at times ( god knows why !) but have an overwhelming need to see he never gets away with this again ,i will do all in my power to have him see the error of his ways ..as i type he is trying to talk to me ..i am ignoring him ( he has set up a fake FB account ..tut tut )and watching Corrie ..hehe ..
Tbh ..i have no plans for the weekend as yet ...hopefully i will soon ....I know i need to try and keep busy and i will .
IDT ,i have read your post ...both of them ..and may i say i have experienced every emotion that you went through ,some i still am ,but here you are still standing ..stronger then ever ,head held high ..way to go girl !!..Hopefully i will be right behind you :)
So another day draws to a close ,lets hope we all sleep peacefully ..and if we don't i am sure as hell you will know about it !!!Hehe 
xx
Hi bonkers i hope you are ok?
In my opinion you have done the right thing in going to the police this man had no right to do this to you so a big well done I know how hard it is to do that, the police can and will help you if you work with them they can be your best friends in helping you against your ex partner.
It sounds to me like you have been very brave so far, things will get easier I have been there and now Is the time you need to dig deep and find your inner strenghth to STAY strong and stand firm you can do this and you are doing it x
X
Rape Crisis are very good if you need someone to talk to but look at there opening times as they are limited
Or there's plenty of us on here to talk to