Find out how to gain credits for your work
However when you click on it you are just redirected to various blogs wich are not related.
Are these courses really accredited and if so how do I go about claiming them as I'm very interested.
Ali x
Hi,
I've been separated from my husband for 5 years now and we've not managed to divorce as each time I ask he drags his heels and puts obsticals in the way, its not like he's hoping to get back together as he got a new partner not long after we split and he is still with her and seems very content with his life. I'm trying really hard to find the strength to move forwards this divorce by myself as its time to move on in my life, gain some independance and stand on my own two feet.
We have two children together a son who is 14 and a daughter who is 11, they both see their dad regularly as he has them when I work (I'm a shift worker, 2 days and 2 nights followed by 4 days off) so he gets to spend plenty of time with the kids and I have good childcare so that I can work. The only downside is that if I am not at work then I have the kids, dont get me wrong I love them to bits and am very proud of them but every parent needs some down time. My own family are not near by, there are a lot of us and we all get on well but everyone is busy with their own lives and seems as the nearest is an hours drive away and the furthest over 4 hours away meeting up is an occasion rather than the norm. Because of this I feel more isolated as not only dont I see my family much but I dont have a handy 'babysitter' if I fancy one evening to myself.
During the time I have separated from my husband I have dated and held down a couple of relationships, the most recent started almost a year ago, the brother of one of my few remaining friends. Because of circumstances this relationship developed in a way that I would never of allowed others to, he moved in very quickly and was with me all the time (he didnt work) at start this was nice as I find being alone very hard, but the teething problems didnt settle down and instead became bigger, it turned out that he was an alcoholic which I didnt realise until too late and what started as little differences of opinions soon turned into bickers, then full time arguements, then violence. I was not argumentative back, I was the peace keeper in the relationship and tried at all times to keep things stable but when he got out of control then there was nothing I could do but to wait for the storm to pass.
The first time I was outraged, I contacted the police and the relationship was over, but somehow he wiggled out of it all, the charges were dropped and he convinced me that it was his "wake up call knowing how close he had come to loosing me and he would change", obviously this wasnt true and before long the violence started and increased in severity and frequency. Unfortunately as I had involved the police the first time he had made sure that I knew what would happen if I contacted the police again (he does have a history with the police and has been in prison) so further episodes even though extreemey scary were kept between ourselves.
Early this year I had decided that even though I still loved him (I have no idea why) I needed to get away as things were deteriorating and it was only a matter of time before something really serious happened. The thing was I had no idea how to get out of this mess in one bit as previous attempts to end the relationship only made the violence worse. It took a while but I finally did it, it took for him to get drunk and agitated and start showing all the signs so that I knew what was going to happen again for me to do something about it. Fortunatley for me this was not at my house but at his fathers, so as we left in my car to return home, he was demanding rizzlas which I didnt have so I provided money and drove to the nearest petrol station and when he nipped inside I drove off and left him there!! I'd of so loved to of been able to see his face when he came out to realise I had gone :-)
After a barrage of phone call and texts that I ignored and after me having the courage to turn to someone for help I managed to tell him it was over and that sorry was not going to fix it this time. His belongings were returned to him (left outside his fathers door and then i texted to say they were there after I had left). He continued to text me, accusing me of having been with another man, appoligising, threatening, anything to get a responce. But i continued to ignore him, the day after we split the kids dad was there collecting the kids and so was my mum who was over for a visit when he turned up and started creating a fuss, but he left fairly soon.
My mum stayed with me until I left for a night shift. The next day when the kids dad came to mine to collect them so that I could go on my second night shift and only moments after he left, the voilent ex boyfriend turned up and started making another fuss and when i refused to answer the door he proceeded to start kicking his way in. the police were called and he managed to leave before they arrived. I gave a statement and explained all of out history so they could understand that it was more than just a slightly annoyed recently jilted ex partner. The police were happy to arrest him but he was on the run for a week still trying to make contact with me, eventually he was picked up and spent the weekend in police cells before going to court on the monday, he eventually pleaded guilty to criminal damage to my door and was given minor fines but as he was out of prison and still on liscence he was then told he was in breach of his bail and so would be recaled to prison for 28 days for committing an offence whilst on liscence.
Unfortunatley a recall to prison is dealt with by the probation office and not the courts and in this case even though probation wanted to recall him they didnt manage to get the paperwork done in time so the court had to release him. The probation office then got the paperwork together the next day and issued another warrant for his arrest but surprise surprise he was on the run again!!
Since the day his attempted to kick the door down the police had fitted a panic alarm to my property and told me in the meantime to leave my house until it was safe to return. so the kids went to stay with their dad whilst I stayed an hour away at my mums, I was there for 2 and a half weeks and even though I was busy with the police and sorting out a few things it was so hard being away from the kids.
During this time I made a full statement to the police detailing everything that had happened in the relationship and how i had been forced to drop charges in the past, there was so much it took over 4 hours to do.
Eventually when the police managed to find him to recall him to prision I was able to return back home. It was nice being back around my own things and lovely to be with my children again but somehow the house just doesnt feel right anymore. I have the constant reminder of having the personal attack alarm and the panic alarm, I have to keep my doors and windows locked at all times and the house just feels full of memories that remind me of him both good and bad.
He has only been recalled to prison for 28 days but the police hae gathered some evidence together to try and get the crown prosecution service to give them the go ahead to charge him with abh, criminal damage and witness intimidation for the first incident back in september but seems as i orrigionally dropped the charges (i've now explained why) there are no guarantees that he will be charged or even if he is found guilty, so the reality of it is there is a possibility that he will be walking the streets again on the 9th of march. The police have placed a restraining order on him that he is not allowed to contact me or enter my street for a year but I dont have faith that he will abide by this. So if he does turn up i all i can do is press my panic alarm to allert the police and whilst i wait i can try to throw the alarm at is head and inflict nasty paper cuts with the restraining order!!
I really want to move, I need a fresh start, I want to live nearer my mum and sister so that I can have people around me. I want to be independant and free. Unfortunatley seems as I never managed to get divorced from the kids dad there is a slight snag, the house I live in is still in both names, I pay the mortguage but his name is also on there so I cant just sell up and move on. I have raised the issue with him and he is dead set against it, he doesnt see why I want to move. If i did move then it wouldnt stop him from seeing his kids but he doesnt want them to be further away from him.
So I am stuck, there is nothing left here for me, no friends, no family, no partner, no support network, nothing. I need to speak to a solicitor to try and push through a divorce setlement asap so that I can then try to move away to that place of safety that will provide the new start I crave so much but I'm in debt and cant afford one.
I am really stuck as to what to do, any suggestions?
Well after my not so cheery or brief introduction to the mess that it my life I shall finish off in the knowledge that life can only get better!
If you have managed to stay with me and read to the vert end then I thank you for you time and wish you well.
Ali
Hi Ali Jay. Welcome along. Well done for getting out of that abusive relationship, very difficult, but you should be proud of yourself for doing it. As I was reading your post, about dropping him at the petrol station, my heart was in my mouth reading that you had driven off!!! That took guts, and like you, I would have loved to have seen his face. You showed him that you weren't taking any more, despite his texts etc, you've stuck to your guns.
I can completely understand why you want to move, but maybe over a period of time, once things have settled, you might feel differently.
I do hope you stay with us, as it's a great site. What are your plans for today?
Hi Ali. Great to meet you on-line and i can honestly say you are an inspiration.
You have been thro so much and yet you are strong and genuine & your children are no doubt a great source of pride.
I truly hope life turns a corner for you and maybe if your ex-husband wont sell he may consider renting the family home so you and your children can rent nearer your mum. Also after 5 years you can divorce your husband without his consent.
It would be good to get some free legal advice so you know your options. Stay strong and don`t look back & most of all be proud of yourself for being a survivor & still managing to work & look after your children. I truly hope you move on & send you my best wishes. Keep us posted. x
Hi Ali,
I read your story. i can massively sympathise with your situation with the violent thug you got rid of (well done!) and the way you did it needs commending!
I can see why you want to move as I know just how awful abuse can affect you and if he does come out you will be living in fear and that is so unhealthy. I see why your husband doesnt want you to move but what do your children think? If they are happy to move then your husband should be more helpful get some legal advice on that. If your children dont want to move maybe look at moving somewhere not too far from where you are now?
I know what it is like when you feel isolated and if you cant move closer to your family why not try setting up a little support network where you are now by joining local groups and making friends?
Anyway I wish you well and I hope your violent ex gets the punishment he deserves.
Hi folks,
Thank you so much for your kind welcome, in response to your posts:
Louise: yes I have spoken to womens aid, I did this after I left him at the garage and before he kicked my door in, I had also spoken to the Police domestic abuse team. I am still in touch with both of these services and am finding them very supportive.
I did look into the possibility of me affording a mortguage on my own and am relieved to say that i am able to get a mortguage for an amount that would easily cover the cost of a house near my mums, however if I was able to sell the house that i am in at the moment then I am fortunate to say that there is a fair amount of equity in the house so if I just took my half share then it could pay about a third of the cost of the new house in one down payment making any mortguage needed even smaller and more affordable.
As for work, it is true that by moving to my mums i would be increasing my travelling dramatically but on the upside my work is moving locations in 2 years and will actually be much nearer to my mums that it is to my current location. I have thought about moving near to my mums before however recent events have made me more determined to do it but in my mind i was considering the childrens ages in relation to their schooling and thought that maybe in 18 months time my son would of finished his options but my daughter wouldnt of started hers yet, plus by then I hopefully would of been able to get that divorce sorted.
Hazel eyes: my plans for today - well it was a beautiful sunny day here today so when I finally got home from work at 9.30 this morning i took my two 4 month old jack russel pups for a really long walk which made me feel much better. then it was home to bed, back up at 1pm to potter about the house for a bit before it was time to leave for work again at 5pm. How about you have you had a good day too?
Manc-lass: thank you so much for your kind words - me, an inspiration?! i've never felt like that, i just feel like i'm bumbling along from one mess to another trying to keep afloat lol!! Also if i'm honest i also blame myself a bit for putting myself in the position i did and for not doing something about it sooner. But thank you :-)
Littleangel: my kids thoughts on moving - well my son who is 6 months into starting his options is obviously a tricky one, normally i wouldnt dream of moving him but following recent events.... plus when i spoke to him about possibly moving to near my mums he confided in me that he was having some big issues with friends but not lessons and would really relish a change of school. As for my daughter, she does have one close friend who she is concerned about leaving behind, but with mobile phones, facebook, school holidays and weekends there is no reason that they cant stay in touch but she will also soon make new friends, but again I do know its not ideal. Maybe i'm being selfish, this move is more for me than for them I guess, I really dont know, I feel that I need it and maybe the good it will do me will have a positive effect on my kids.
As for local groups, i wouldnt know where to start, its difficult to meet regularly due to shift work, but its not impossible, but what would i do, where do i start? I am hoping to try puppy socialisation with my pups but so far since they have had their jabs i've been working each time they meet, hopefully next week....
Ali x
Hi AliJay
Puppy socialisation! that's a lovely idea. A couple of things you could have a look at are SpiceUk and also MeetUps to see what is on in your area.
Gosh you didn't get much sleep after your night shift, is that usual?
Hi Louise,
Nope I dont get much sleep, I've just finished my housework and washing the school uniform etc and am heading for bed now, gotta be up again in a couple of hours to collect the kids!!
Shift work is exhausting, in someways you do get used to it, I've been doing this for 16 years now, but in other ways you just end up feeling jet lagged all the time.
But on the plus side I only have to work 4 days out of 8 but that consists of two 9 hour day shifts and 2 15 hour night shifts, so in the space of 4 days I actually work 48 hours.
Its a good job and it pays the bills (just) so I guess I shouldnt complain :-)
Yes, but a tall order, nonetheless. I take my hat off to you! 
Hi Ali Jay - welcome from me!
In your first post you said that there was a point where you felt you still loved your violent ex and I wanted to tell you something that I read recently.
Often we fool ourselves into loving our abuser as it is easier and safer to do so rather than trying to leave.
You also say that you blame yourself a bit for getting yourself into this situation and not dealing with it sooner. Well you did deal with it sooner, but he soon halted that process, he apologised and played on your good nature and used mind games to stop you from reporting any further abuse. So please release any blame you have. This is only continuing to hurt yourself in the way that he has done previously (and unnecessary)
When we have been in these situations we can talk about them in a very light hearted fashion. We have to because if we saw the true extent of what was really going on, we would just crumble.
You and the children have been through a horrific ordeal and you need to be kind to yourself from here on in. Our money expert says that it is important to get divorce proceedings underway as soon as you know the relationship is definitely over, then everyone knows their place, so time to take the bull by the horns and deal with your ex husband next!
You are taking control back over your life and we will support you through it. So glad you found us. Are you working this evening?
Hi all,
right first things first, guess what? ....i feel fantastic today!!!
yes you heard me - I'M FEELING FANTASTIC!!!
Its great, i'm smiling and everything!
After speaking to my brothers partner yesterday we have come up with a plan for me as i tend to shut down and ignore everything when i have too many things going on that need dealing with and it gets too busy in my head. The plan is mind mapping, i've used this process to help with some work projects that i had to do and found it really useful, i have no idea why i didnt think of doing it with my life before! so this morning i have gone out and bought myself a journel and i'm gonna mind map everything i need to address as well as making a few lists of things to do, that way i can stop carring everything in my head and am more likely to start working through some of this stuff as i will be actuallising it and making the tasks into much smaller areas to deal with, plus i will have the feeling of achievement each time i get to cross something off my list or mind map even if it is the smallest task. I feel so positive about this, i know there is so much to do that its gonna take me ages but it will give me something positive to focus on.
in answer to some of your replies - louise - sadly yes that is a usual amount of sleep after a night shift for me but i do sneek in the occasional afternoon snooze whilst the kids are at school to try and catch up :-D
anna - i'm actually off work now until thursday which gives me a couple of days to sort a few things out
You are right about being a little light hearted when acknowledging things that have happened, its easier plus he spent ages convincingme that its really not such a big deal and the only reason that it upset me was because i was weak and i needed to toughen up! obviously i know this was a pile of rubbish but it does actually confuse your beliefs in right and wrong and that in turn knocks your confidence and before long you are questioning yourself and listening to them....oh the clarity that hindsight gives you!! It does still feel like i have some feeling for him and at times i do miss him, for a moment i worry that hes ok, then i remember that he is in prision and the reason why he is there, the way he made me feel when he was treating me badly. i will never let him into my life again but i want these feelings to go so that i can detest him for the awful lowlife he really is.
oooh get me, i've just made an appointment to see a solicitor!!!
Hi Ali Jay,
Jus wanted to say well done you and i`m really pleased your feeling `fantatstic`.
I know what you mean about how they make you question everything you do & shatter your confidence but you are strong and from a personal perspective it takes a strong person to withstand what you did for so long and still come out the other end. How many people stay with abusive partners cause they can`t see a way out or their confidence has gone completely or they are simply afraid to be on their own.
I hope things work out for you and look forward to hearing all about it.
Best wishes
A. xx
Hi Manc-lass FYI - I have initialised your name as we like to keep things confidential on the site and for you to remain anonymous
Ali Jay - FANTASTIC! I love to read your positivity. Mind mapping sounds like a brilliant way forward. Sometimes the whole prospect of the future can seem like a quagmire, so by separating it all out should make it easier.
You have made an appointment with a solicitor, is that your first TICK?
Give yourself time to move on in your life. You will find that your feelings towards your ex will change the more you learn about yourself. You have spent a long time conditioning yourself to love him even at the lowest points.
Manc-lass is right, I have worked with 100's of survivors of abuse and can honestly say that we are the strongest (and funniest) I have ever met!!
Glad you have a few days off now, so that you can concentrate on your new plans, what is your next goal to tackle?
Hi all,
well its been another lovely day here but sadly the drive and determination I felt yesterday seems to of abandoned me. I have spent the majority of the day asleep on the sofa :-( mind you I have achieved one positive thing, i took the pups to their first training class.
There were a fair few people there and the pups were a handful but they seemed to enjoy it and i got to chat to a couple of the people there. So that counts towards working on my social life and my mental wellbeing which are two areas on my mindmap.
Hi Manc-lass, thank you for your kind words, you are right we are strong, its time for me to view myself differently, i'm not a victim who suffers from awful luck, i'm a survivor. I'm a warrior who has been through a battle and won, i am victorious because i am free and he is in prison! Now my life is my own to do with as i choose......oooh get me being a lion instead of a mouse lol....shall try not to think of the obsticals ive gotta deal with to get where i want...eeek eeek!!
Hi Anna, yes finding and making the appointment with the solicitor was the first tick on my mindmap as was getting all the official paperwork together that I will need to take to the appointment. Today by going to the puppy class also counts towards building a social life and looking after my mental well being which are also areas on my mindmap.
Not too sure what I will do tomorrow.....maybe a nice long walk with the pups and then tackle some cupboard tidying or clearing out some of my pets. They would also count on my mindmap and the walk is in the well being category and the cupboard and pets come under the preparation to move category - the pets as i have a fair few and am looking to sell a couple as its too much work/cost for me and i'm lucky that the house i have now has alot of room to house them but a normal house would probably be a bit crowded, so by cleaning them out i can then get some nice photos so that i can advertise them.
Hope you are all having a great day x
You too, Ali Jay
How many pups do you have?
Down days are normal as you shift through this stage of your life. The key is to not beat yourself up about it. Be blue, sit around, watch daytime TV and you will find that you move on quicker than 'trying' to be upbeat whilst telling yourself that you are rubbish.
I've got two jack russel pups, brother and sister aged 4 months, very cute and full of mischief.
Really, is it ok to have those blue days?
Blimey Ali Jay absolutely! If you feel blue what are you supposed to do, beat yourself up and feel worse or say OK body, I hear you I am going to look after you and I know that this will pass.
The problem occurs when everyday is a blue day, but seeing as the other day you were on an upper, you know that you have it in you for everything to be ok.
I know that you have to find a balence between the good days and the bad days but i spent almost a year sleeping, i was only awake when the kids were about, escaping the reality of life is a great coping mechanism, i have managed to break the cycle and have been much better for a year or so and i know its mainly down to depression, i've been suffering for quite a few years now and am still on anti depressants and under councilling but when i start to revert to spending days asleep rather than dealing with the day it does worry me that its a slippery slope
Hi Ali Jay
It is indeed a case of balance and you need to look at the overall pattern and make sure that you have down days and not down months, perhaps?
I am sure the doggies will keep you on your toes in some respects.
Spring is just round the corner and it feels like there a few of us who need a boost of sunshine
Hi Ali-Jay,
Gosh, i`ve spent so many days lounging around watching telly, drinking the odd glass of wine and generally not doing much and i used to feel very guilty & also worried i was depressed. But with the lives we lead & the extraordinary challenges we have to face day to day whilst being strong for our children, i`ve come to realise that my mind and body needs to rest and catch up and this `me` time is really an essential part of `my` maintenance. Don`t feel guilty just enjoy.
I don`t have dogs myself but what a great way to meet new people, good luck.
I hope you are ok and send my best wishes.
A xx
hi,
ive just had a phone call from the police with an update on the case against my ex. they took all the evidence to the cps and the cps have decided that if anything all they will agree to have him charged with is common assult which carrys a punishment so small its no more than a fine and a slap on the wrist and the best i can hope for is a two week custodial! whats more because i origionally retracted my statement i am no longer a credible witness so if it does go to court they wont use me to testify but they may use my son.
they promised me if he gave his video statement like he has then they would use that in court if needed but now they say if it does go to court he will have to testify.
they told me that i need to prepare myself for the fact that when his release date comes up on the 9th then there is every chance he will be released :-(
im now wondering what the point was, ive put myself, my son and the police through a lot of trouble and he is just going to get away with everything he has done.
lets hope then when he comes for me he does enough damage to get him put away but not so much that my life is in danger
im so fed up :'(
Great, to add to my joy my 14 year old son has just confided in me that he started smoking a month before christmas to help him cope with the stress of his problems at school as well as everything else......now i feel like the worst mum ever, if his dad finds out i know i will be blamed, what am i supposed it, obviously i cant condone it but how do you stop a teenager from doing what they want? i almost wish he hadnt of told me :-(
Hello AliJay
Yes, the justice system sometimes seems like the most unjust one there is. Don't give a thought to whatever trouble the police may have been to, it is their job and they known the system., it is you and particularly your son who have been put through the mill. You may be interested to read this thread by another member who was assaulted by her children's dad and whose son had to give evidence via video and also in person.
You say you wish your son had not told you but I think it is brilliant that he did and shows that you have a robust relationship and also him telling you is a genuine plea for help. Of course I know you will be chatting with him about how he is doing but would he talk to someone outside the family, such as a counsellor? The school may have contacts or you can get in touch with Relateen. Try not to focus on the smoking itself..,...that is just a symptom of what he is going through and he is already punishing himself by doing it. Can you spend some individual time with him, doing something of his choice (might be something rather tedious for you!) just to reinforce your relationship and let him know that he doesn't have to take on the role of an adult quite yet..And tell him that you love him, and praise anything he does that is good, in the general spirit of raising his self esteem. Be strong and focused when you talk with him, acknowledge his feelings but tell him you will be ok as a family...he needs to know that. as he is scared he might have to be the head of it now, and knowing you are the one holding the reins will reassure him no end.,
Hi
I'm sorry that they've reached that decision.
It's so hard when you find that your child has started smoking, but it is good he's told you. I somtimes think that half the battle is getting our children to talk to us.
Thinking of you.
Hi folks,
Thanks for your support, it really is appreciated. Nothing new has happened since I last blogged apart from me cleaning out my big fish tank (an all day job) and now i'm on night shifts. I hope all has been well with you.
I am just trying to do the second week of one of the courses on here and i have noticed a link on the left hand side of the screen which says
Find out how to gain credits for your work
However when you click on it you are just redirected to various blogs wich are not related.
Are these courses really accredited and if so how do I go about claiming them as I'm very interested.
Ali x
Hi AliJay
I am not sure about this one, it comes up as a search facility and the "blogs" you mention are threads from around the board with some keywords in, I will send an email up to the main office for them to amend this.
ve Hi, I am a 46yr old umemployed mum of 2, I was previously married but that ended 5yrs ago in a divorce due to abuse. I have no family or friends and at times feel very lonely. I have recently been offered employment and both myself and my 2 sons are overjoyed with the thought of me getting back into work as it will make a huge difference to our financial situation.
The main problem that I have is that the employer has now asked for character references, I have been able to provide them with 1 reference but as I dont know anyone else I am finding it difficult and dont know what to do, to get this job would me everything to us as a family so I am hoping that someone may be able to offer me some advice on what I can do...Many Thanks.
Hi roxie3
It is hard when you are making a fresh start but don't forget that you have been asked for a CHARACTER reference, not an employment one and the person who gives it to you does not have to be in your life fulltime, or anyone "grand", it could be someone you have known on and off for a while...a neighbour, a worker from somewhere that may have given you support such as Women's Aid, a friend of the family, a cub leader or similar if you have helped out, someone that runs a youth group your children may attend, your child's teacher? if you really cannot think of anyone then you may have to tell the employer that you had to leave behind your old life because of the abusive relationship and that's why you are struggling.
Good luck! and hope you get on Ok and make some new friends with the job, fingers crossed. You have done a very brave thing in breaking away from the abuse so all power to you!
Hi Louise. Thanks for your reply. I did have help with the abuse when I was going through the divorce from Womans Aid, they were fantastic and I owe them so much,but that was 5yrs ago and I dont think they would remember me to-date
I hope that I can work something out with the new job offer as it would be lovely to meet new people and start afresh again. Thanks once again..
Hi roxie3
Good luck with this. Meeting new people will be great.
I started to help out with Scouts a few years back (put on the spot really) and have never looked back. I do work part time, but the Scouts is what I enjoy.
Do keep posting roxie, as even though it's virtual, you can have good company here.
Hi Sparklinglime.
Thanks for your reply...good company is hard to find when your on your own, so thanks a lot I will keep posting.
Hi roxie3 and welcome from me
How is your search coming along have you found someone?
Hi. Thanks. I have not had much luck at the moment,and have just had a call from the HR Dept at Head Office. They said that they will not accept another Character Reference and need to have another Employer one...Unfortunately places I worked for years ago won't remember me, so it's not looking to good.
Hi roxie3, welcome from me :)
Did you tell the HR Dept that you haven't been employed for a long time as you were a stay at home mum? I think it is important that they know this.
Don't give up just yet, positive thinking helps us go a long way. If you don't get the job, you could consider volunteering somewhere, it would get you out and about, learn new skills and meet new people, so all would not be lost.
Hi Ali Jay. Its appalling isn't it, all the stress and anxiety, note taking, statements, visits to/from the police and violent people rarely get their comeuppance, its no wonder people don't report it.
Thanks for pointing out the issue with the online learning. I have removed this currently. Unfortunately these courses won't be accredited for individual users of One Space any time soon, sorry. Is there a Womens Centre in your local area? You might be able to do something there? Also haver a look at WEA.
Hi, Have looked into volunteering as I think you are right it will get me out and about and meeting new people,also may help with future employment. Thanks.
Have a look at our article Volunteering, it has useful tips and at the end are links to brilliant volunteering websites. Good luck, let us know how you get on.
hi folks, i had a call from the police today with an update and the CPS have definately decided that they will not be able to make any charges against my ex with regards to his violence towards me because i orioginally retracted my statement it makes me an unreliable witness, if they do anything at all then it will be a charge of common assult against my son but they are 99 percent certain that this will not get a custodial sentence just another slap on the wrist and it would take for my son to go through a court case for this so there seems very little point. so he gets to walk free from prision tomorrow :-( i'm so fed up, how can a low life piece of scum just get away with it all just because he was clever enough to threaten and harass me until i dropped the charges, guess that makes me the idiot instead of him :-( who's the winner now?
Well I dont think you are an idiot, how were you to know that it would mean you could not then take the case at a later date?
Sorry to hear that you have had confirmed what you were fearing. Now it is important that you nip anythimg further in the bud and do email our Legal Expert to ask about whether getting an injunction is approrpriate or whether the restraining order will still hold good.
Agghh, Ali Jay, this is so infuriating, please speak with the Domestic Abuse AdviceLine 0808 2000 247 before you make a final decision not to go to court.
I understand that you don't want your son to have to go through this, for just a slap on the wrist. What does he want to do?
hi all, sorry i've not said anything much the last couple of days, i just cant find the words to say...
thanks louise i will see about an injunction
its too late Anna, the police gave me just a matter of hours to make the decision and my son was at school so i had to wait until he was at home, so the charges are dropped and he is free.
as for my son, he is going downhill fast, i went to his room tonight to tell him it was time to get in the car as i'm on a night shift to find that his room smelled strongly of weed!!! for the love of god, shall i just buy him a crack pipe and a few needles, how more out of control can my family get :-( he's 14, i love him so much and he really does talk to me and treat me well but he is punishing himself for something, i am gonna contact the school councillor tomorrow but what if they decide that things are bad enough to get experts involved, social services etc??!!
my beautiful quiet little daughter is struggling too, i had the mother of one of her friends ring tonight to say that my daughter had been mean to her when asked how things were she snapped and has been not talking to the girl since and telling other school mates that it was the other girls fault.
I thanked the mother for letting me know and have spoken to my daughter and the cruix of it was when asked how things were she didnt know how to answer so just said 'mind your own business, its nothing to do with you', the other girl obviously took offence and said 'thats no way to talk to a friend' and before you know it things had spirraled out of control. my daughter is so mouse like normally, so it sounds like this big whole mess is screwing her up too :'( she has said she is sorry and will apologise and explain to her friend tonight so i guess thats something but what has happened to my family?
maybe i'm just not capable of looking after them, they are starting to slip away my son faster than my daughter and its all my fault, if i think that what must their dad think or social services if they find out?
how do i get help without causing any more trouble? has anyone got a magic wand i can borrow??????????
I wish I knew what to say.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
Don't feel you're not capable though, it's "just" hard going at the moment... Always be positive and keep those rose coloured specs on to spot the smallest positive and praise them.
I wonder if parentline will have some helpful advice?
www.familylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-help-line
Hello Ali-Jay
Yes praise is a very much underestimated tool, as sparkling says: do praise to the high heavens anything that either of them does well. It is all about building their self esteem , and your relationship.
Another tool is Special Time. Make sure you spend time with each child doing just what they want. This means that you might end up doing something that is really not your cup of tea (one of our mums ended up going fishing with her lad)Tell them how much you enjoy their company.
It may feel like really hard work when you are going through so much yourself but think of it as an investment to stop things getting really out of control.
The school counsellor is a great idea. As for social services, they only get involved if a child is being harmed or neglected by the parent. What is happening here is self-harm. Poor lad, he just doesn't know how to cope with all the emotions he is feeling. You said in an earlier post that he was having some issues with friends so maybe some of his support system has gone at the moment.
A website that can be helpful is Young Minds. Have a look and see what you think
Hi Ali-Jay the others have given you some great suggestions, are there any youth activities in your area that your children can get involved in? I have found that this is something that has helped others in the past.
Another suggestion is to contact your local Family Information Service, as they should beware of any services that could support you with the difficulties you are facing.
Hello Ali Jay
Thanks for sharing your story and you are welcome to One Space.
You have been through a great deal and I am not surprised you find it a challenge to think about divorcing your husband, as in comparison to the abusive treatment your received from your most recent partner, it must seem as if he is a cuddly teddy-bear!
Well done for finally breaking away from that abusive relationship. Did you have any support from Women's Aid? You could contact them now for some help during what you are still experiencing.
I totally understand you wish to move. I also understand the feelings of the children's dad and don't forget that your children are now of an age where they will feel very uprooted if you move to a different area. The recent happenings must have affected them too. You also have a job where you are. How about a house move, but staying in the same area? Another thing to bear in mind is if you get a house just in your name, will you get a mortgage in your sole name with your income?
It would be a good idea to get some legal advice with regard to the divorce. You can get a fairly amicable divorce (you have irrefutable grounds on the basis of adultery!) and he may be more amenable to selling the house if you gave him a guarantee that you were going to stay in the area. If push came to shove, you could just say right I am divorcing you and the house will have to be sold by court order as part of the financial bit of the divorce but if you have a decent relationship with the children's father then maybe it can all be done more pleasantly. If you would like some legal advice then do consult our resident Legal Expert
As for the getting time to yourself.......I am thinking that you get time during your days off when the children are at school and for the evenings, it is quite simple to employ a sitter, your children are not small. If you don't know anyone suitable then one idea I always think it helpful is to contact local nurseries and ask if anyone would like some babysitting work. You know that these people have been checked out with the authorities and they are often poorly paid and welcome the chance of a bit of extra cash.
Anyway I am glad that you have found us and hope you find the site helpful, there are lots of friendly people here!