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hello im new on here and have recently separated from my husbandin may . i have filled for divorce which is going through. we had been married for 17 years so when i found out he was having affair it came as a shock as i had no clue what was going on or that there was anything wrong with us . we have 2 boys aged 6 and 10 who are really upset be this as my ex is on bail for hitting me infront of our son who jumped on his back to get him off me . i feel so sick and low as to what he as caused and that he has been blackmailing me to drop the charges which i ahve not . the police have been great but im scared and feel alone how do yoy pick yourself up from this . i have too as the kids are there for me likewise i am for them . i know my divorce will get messy as he dosent know i have filled for one but i want a fresh start i would like to chat amd meet new friends who are in the same type of way as me hello im sharon
Hi from me as well.
Do take care, and I look forward to getting to know you.
hiya am sorry you are going thru such a hard time and i hope you are managing 2 keep your chin up.
Hello there, I would echo what Anna has said and also would like to say that you are perfectly within your rights to file for divorce, since he has been unfaithful, he broke your contract of marriage and perhaps you can remind him of that if he becomes difficult about the divorce. Good for you, not dropping the charges, he has no call to use violence in any circumstances. Do contact Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247.
There is lots of friendly support here, as I hope you have already seen so please keep posting and share what is going on 
thankyou for writing back to me it helps knowing can talk about this and try not too feel alone . yes i have been intouch with womens aid have got a case worker on board . when the kids got back to school in sept they hopefully start counselling too which they need specially my eldest son as he saw what his dad did . it is not easy to call the police as it gets scary and he as been on bail for 8 weeks now . i wonder how people can change like this over nite , though he as hit be before once when my son was 1 and kicked me in the back when we were going out before we were married but i never did anythingthen as i loved him and thought he would love me and stay together how wrong was i but i hope to move on its hard to stay strong and to keep it together when i got kids i try not to cry infront of them i would like to go out and meet people but have no where how to begin as i feel unwanted and ugly as thats how he as made me feel i have got along way to go with this case and the divorce , but i will take each day as it comes this year being the worst as it has only happened in may . the boys are doing ok they have their moments but they are holding it together good it is nice to talk and let go of my feelings as i cant talk to the boys and i have not got much family really so thanku for listening to me
Hello again
You are not unwanted or ugly, hye has made you feel like that because he thought if you felt bad enough about yourself you would never manage to leave him. Have a look at this information. See if you can recognise your boys' dad from any of the "types" in the list, or he may be a combination of one or more of the types.
You have done the best possible thing in leaving this abusive relationship. for you and your sons. I know it is hard to realise and admit that a relationship has been abusive (been there!!) but you CAN move forward now and we are all here for you
Hi shaz 5. welcome along You're doing really well in such a short space of time. Even if you are afraid of him, you're showing your ex that you're standing up to him, by not having the charges dropped. Well done you. Take lots of care. Hope you have a good day today.
Hiya, I know its not easy to call the police, but it is what you have to do, OK? It is their job to keep you safe and if you find it difficult to do for yourself, do it for your boys, they need to know that there is someone out there that is bigger and more scary than their dad.
Have you told the boys how to call the Police? It might worth a conversation. A friend of mine's son called the Police when he was 9, after his dad turned up and had his mum in a strangle hold and it was mighty lucky he did.
You say you wonder how people can change like this overnight. I don't think they do and I know you don't either, you saw it before you were married and I bet any arguments that you have had in the past, haven't been healthy disagreements, where your point of view has been listened to??
What is good here is that you recognise that HE made you feel ugly and unwanted. You have to now say nice things to yourself. Tell yourself that you love yourself and approve of yourself, over and over again. (I did this and it works wonders)
I am glad that you have a case worker, they will really help you get through this and your boys too. Keep looking for as much professional support as you can as what you have been through is horrific and not something that you will just 'get over'.
Do you have any hobbies?
hi i would like to say a big thankyou for the replies, i have read them all and it as helped to know that i can chat . i got along way to go yet , i will try that anna but at the min i dont feel nice, i deeply feel that i have let the boys down in keeping the family together . i have hobbies i like zumba which i try to go to on a tues and gardening listening to music going to for walks . i do like meeting peole and chatting i do have alot of friends but i always feel that they are sick of hearing about get the next few months over with and i will start the new year fresh and tyr to be more postive.
Good for you, shaz5, try not expect too much of yourself, it is still early days but I am glad you have some hobbies fro yourself. Zumba seems very popular just now. I am a bit behind the times, I have bought a line dancing DVD but have not tried it yet, used to go to a class but the hall where it was held ended up being shut down, so now I go swimming instead.
It's really great that you have friends. They won't get sick of listening as long as you make sure that you take an interest in them too, that is what friendship is all about, helping each other along . What are you doing over the Bank Holiday?
shaz 5, you will have a long way to go yet, but hopefully we will see you through and share in your success the other side 
!!
The guilt and regret that you are feeling is perfectly normal, however remind yourself, it was not you who let the boys down it was their dad. We are all told that we need to keep a family together, a broken home is where delinquents live etc. etc. You have done all that you needed to for many years. Now you are in a position to take control and provide the best for your boys. Some people say that as our children have experienced these things it can make them stronger, wiser and more stable adults, so it is not all badness.
It is great to read that you have a few hobbies, what is zumba like, I might give that a go in Sept. It is great that you like getting out, it will make your recovery easier, I believe.
Have you heard from your ex or any of his family?
hi zumba is fun hard but fun lol good way to lose some tension lol when i was a kid my parents broke up and i really didnt want my kids to be the same but i had no say in it he chose to have the affair . we are not able to speak to my ex nor are the kids as he is on bail and they are not sure if they want to see him and as it been 9 weeks since they saw him im thinking it may be i have to go for supervised visits . as way before i found out about the affair my ex took our boys to the park and texted his new girlfriend to coem to the park then told them they had a new step mom ! so they are upset by what he as said too . his aunt and cousins speak to me or text me but no one else his mom did but since he as been put on bail no and sent me and my son text to say that she didnt want to see or speak to us but in the end it will be their loss i can say not put me off ever remarrying as not all are like my ex but i will have to get stronger yet and get the kids sorted and make sure they are ok they are the reason i stay focus each day and i do take each day as it comes now
Zumba fun? Gardening a hobbie? Wow shaz!!
It's good your ex's Aunt and cousins are still in touch via text, but your Mother-in-law? I wouldn't worry about her right now. She is totally in the wrong for texting not only you but your son too. How on earth can she send a text like that to a 10 year old. Like you say, it is her loss.
i have just got back from friends we went away for the bank holiday needed too as with whats going on trying to stay strong when i feel like im failing walked into the house and had a letter from the dhs saying that they have recieved my forms for help towards the mortage but whilst my ex hubby is on here by name they cant help me im unable to but him out as i cant afford it i got 2 boys under 10 and with what they saw they are not keen to be left at the min also my hand is still broke which im off to the hospital next week to see what is going on there and may be facing a op does anyone know what or where i can go to get advice as i feel that im goin to be kicked out and so scared . i know that reporting my ex to the police was and is the right thing to do but this on top is scarring me too much about the house . i know that when he faces court fri he may not lose his job so he could continue to pay the house but if he loses then im worried does any one have any help or advice
Hi shaz 5, I am glad you managed to get away for a break.
I would sugggest that you contact our Ask the Expert - Money Advice, this service is provided by the Citizens Advice Bureau and they will get back to you within 7 days, click on the bold writing and you will be directed to the right page.
They might suggest you seek Legal Advice too, we have a Family Law Ask the Expert but the CAB will forward your query on if necessary.
You are absolutely doing the right thing, it is scary and there will be more difficulties to come, but you will get through this, its not going to be easy, but you will, in a few years you will look back and breath a huge sigh of relief.
Did you have a good break away?
hi anna thanku for the 2 links they have been helpful . with me im trying to run before i can walk ! i see the worst before it has hit me . i suppose in situtations like this thuis is a normal feeling? people have said you will get through this and become stronger and move on i just find it hard to see this at the min. i would like to move on and may be find a new partner as not all men are like my ex with me it will take time cause of the violience.
we had a good few days away thanku , did us good . my little one cried all the way home bless as he had fun away . they are back at school next week so that will help and i hope to get their counselling started soon. just hope the school lets it happen in there. i was only going to do my eldest but the other one is too quite and not saying much so i will get help for him too x
when will my nightmare end !! i did go out last night with a friend we went to a local pub for drink and that did me good we were able to talk and it did us both good. she told me i will get through this but at the min it is hard . he went to court and he pleaded not gulity so its is going to crown court. he can see the boys but only through a third party but he cant see me or speak to me . but the kids are scared and feel more likely to want supervised visits only but i cant get that yet he did text our neighbour asking them to be the third party and he only wants to see the every now and again , thats no good for the boys doing that . when will he learn and listen he thinks it is me dragging them through the courts but it is not . i got to stay strong but it is hard and i try not to show it infront of the kids but im finding it hard not to cry . i keep telling myself it was him who caused all this pain but it doesnt stop me crying sorry to rant
Aww shaz5
Firstly that's great that you had an outing with your friend, you do need time off and adult time.
Secondly you KNOW it is not you doing this, it is him, and whilst I agree that it is not good for the boys to have inconsistent contact, the TOP PRIORITY is the safety of the boys and you. Of course you feel like crying, you have been through a dreadful time but in six months you will be amazed how far you have come.
As part of the divorce proceedings, you will have a financial settlement hearing, and that is where you apply to have the house in your name. In the meantime, please write to the mortgage compnay, explain briefly what has happened and ask for a repayment holiday, or reduced payments for six months, they may ask you to come in for an appointment and to bring details of your income/outgoings but that is fine, all you have to do is be honest....and then hopefully iot takes the immedaite pressure off financially. You should be able to claim Income Support for a short while as your youngest is under seven, so please get that ball rolling also, if you are not at work. You can find out how to apply here
im sorry if i have posted loads but i have had a lot of trouble trying to post unless its me
That's ok, shaz5, we always like to hear from you! What seems to be happening is blank posts, I wonder if you might be double clicking before you have chance to type what you want to say? What browser are you using? I must say that Firefox does seem to be more friendly that Internet explorer, what have you got?
well im happy the boys have had a good day back at school :) i have spoken to my mortage leader and they say not to worry to much till my ex stops paying . he will be in trouble if he gave me nothing towards the kids . at the min i do work only 6 hours aweek and im on income support . when they sort my hand out i will try to gain up to 16 hours aweek but till this is sorted im stuck and the boys are not ready for me to increase hours . i will find out this week what they plan to do with my hand as it is not set good and causing me alot of pain . i cant believe it hurts still after this long . im on yahzoo i was on google
Hi shaz5
Incredible that your ex pleaded not guilty, is he representing himself, or does he have a solicitor?
Good news about the mortgage, that is a bit of pressure of for a month or so.
I know it feels like you are drowning at the moment, but think of it as you are surviving. Once things have cleared up a bit, then you will find that you are moving forward. Its good that the boys are back in school as it keeps the stability in their lives.
What are your plans for today?
having trouble again in posting its me not techinal yet lol im doing ok today trying to stay postitive yes he had a solic they told him to plea gulity he went against what they said so now we going to crown court the magistrate told him he could see the boys but like a day each week and only through a thrid party but he asked my neighbour if they would od it and they said no but in the text to them he only wants to see them every now and again, they are not taps you cant turn them on and off when you feel i rang my divorce solic and she said no he cant see them as my son is a witness . i have just cleaned up now off to work what you up too? have a good day
Fab to hear that you are doing OK today. I know it is not easy, just keep taking a day at a time.
As your son is a witness then hopefully that means that there will be no access until this goes to Crown court. Maybe you can now have a bit of a breather, do you have a date for Crown?
Hope you have a good time at work, my day will consist of reading through these threads, then I must get on and write some more articles and get them on this site
well what a start to the day pounding headache !! trying wake the kids up think they too cosy in bed . dont blame them with this wind but i did manahe to tune the tv in ready like it said so im kind of proud of myself no going to do any chores today im off to look at the shops i think before work see if that plans out ironing can be done later hope you all have a good day xxx
Well done on the retune!
EURGH it's horrid when you wake up with a headache. Hope it soon lifts
Hi Shaz, I hope things are going a bit better for you today, and that you had a better time shopping?
I'm in the South, and today at least the wind has dropped, and the sun is shining weakly.
I hope your headache has gone too.
hi thankyou louise and mich my headache seems to have gone . went shopping got afew things for my son who's 7th birthday is coming up came home had a letter from the dhss about my house they are not going to help me with the payments as my ex is still paying but they did say they would look at it again if it stops the payments so that was ok news in away i hope he carries on paying for the house and i wont go down the road of csa hope you all having a good day too
It's good to know that they will consider it, at least.
Fingers crossed he carries on paying it, as in my books he should...
Yes, fingers crossed too......
Glad your headache has cleared and you got some shopping done, have a nice afternoon :)
hi hope you are ok ? im trying to stay positive alittle down today think it is because of my headache
the boys came home from school in a good mood tea done now off to bath them and get some ironing done then it will be put feet up as im am tired today . tomorrow another big day ahead take the boys to school then it is off to the hospital to see how my hand is doing hopefully it is on the mend in the right direction but looking at the lump still i am hoping they say they are going to rebreak it or even pin it ! thankyou ex hubby for this went to the shops today and guess what they sre bringing in christmas stuff already im not even thinking of that yet hope everyone as had a good day too xx
Hope you get on ok at the hospital tomorrow shaz...
Oh shaz5 poor you with your hand, hope you get some positive news tomorrow
I hope it goes well too.
thankyou will let you know how i get on i must admit im nervous . sods law it as not hurt me the last 2 days bet it will after ! teh i got work to go to , yesterday was abad day for me as i was down for most of the day even went to bed before 9 suppose i will still have days like that . but i woke up saying to myself i got to look ahead now get this hand sorted least the boys have settled back at school and the one as cubs tonight the other goes to beavers next week so thats is good . been trying to book a indoor carboot got stuff to try to get rid of and not all mine things of his il get rid of he wouldnt have a clue what he got and why not make afew bob for the kids treat them in oct half term have a good day all
well not the news i was hoping for i got to have physo each week and go back in nov then if still swollen i will have to have it operated on so im not too pleased but least they will get it sorted one way just hoped they could have sorted it now but i will get there
shaz, that's really the problem isn't it? You want to get things sorted out as quickly as possible, but things just don't seem to happen like that...It's so frustrating...and least you are sounding more positive today...
Sorry to hear you felt a bit down last night and went to bed early....I blame it on the weather too....it was so cold and miserable yesterday....
hi mich yes when things like this happen i want it to be sorted and done like now so you can move on a forget about it but it doesnt happen like that ! things just take time and it does my head in as he as moved on and forgot about what we had but im left trying to sort it out well its another to test us wish when at school they teach you life lessons . well thats my moan out the way . hope you are feeling better ? the weather doesnt look good today either we must have had abit of rain last night well hope everyone as a good day
Sorry to hear about your hand, shaz5, let's hope you don't need the op and it settles down
I'm sorry too. I do hope the physio helps so you can avoid the op.
How are you feeling today shaz5?
I know exactly what you mean...it just makes it feel like you are stuck in limbo a bit doesn't it? Oh and moan away.....I'm doing a lot of that too.....I think every one does in the early stages....I've started to read a book ' I can mend your broken heart' so I'm going to read it through, then concentrate on doing the visualization afterwards...and see if that helps...I'll write up on them too in my thread....
Hi shaz5, I am sorry to hear that your hand is still going to need more attention. Some people might say that although you want to move on quickly and get life back on track, these things hold us back for a reason.
Perhaps this is a reminder that:
a) What has happened over the years, won't heal itself straight away
b) You need to slow down and look after yourself
c) In moments of weakness, it will be a reminder of what has passed and you will heal as your hand does.
Might sound bonkers, but although it is a pain, when your hand is better, your life will have shifted a lot.
You need to take this time to feel the emotions, the sadness of your loss (of the family unit and your ex (even though he probably doesn't deserve it!!)), to let it all come out, whether that is with headaches, tears or general glumness.
This is all normal and embrace it as part of the healing 
thankyou anna i know im not giving myself time to get through all what i have to to go through i now i want it all over with today in away so i can block it and move on but like you say i have to go throughthe emotions. i do feel stronger than i did afew weeks ago but still have down days then i get anger cause of having them then i get anger cause of my ex going out enjoying himself putting us through this . i know the hand will heal but just longer than i thought im glad i did go to the hospital now as i thought i had just brusied it how wrong was i and he thought that too how very wrong was he . well im off to take the kids to their swimming lesson in abit then home do homework with them back to that then we are off to see my cousin and aunt for the afternoon. i got to get some more birthday presents too for my little one i did yesterday brought my first xmas present lol tesco selling the tin chocs so for my friends i have brought them one and my son is doing his hair now and pampering himself so i have brought himafew alitlle stocking fillers . im looking into taking the kids to a pantomine for xmas as we have never been so i may do that as a treat . i was dreading xmas but so how now im not it will be him who be missing out . as he wont beable to have that fun time with the kids all day as he wont see their faces when they wake like i will :) :) we have been asked to go to friends over xmas so thinking about that they want us but im thinking should we do xmas on our own any how still got away to go for that kids want to do their lists tomorrow so that will be nice or not lol little one wants all of the toyr us as they do but i love them . feeling postive today hope it lasts ask after they done their homework as it is MATHS and they have done their lists well best go swimming is calling hope you all have a lovely day xx
Hi shazs5, yes there will be up days and down days and I thought Anna's post was brilliant, it really IS all part of the healing process. Very tiring though!!!
Hope the swimming lesson goes ok and good lick with the Maths 
hi all anna's post was good . maths was ok thankgod my eldest son is good with maths so he helped his brother. he was to try for his gold badge but didnt do it he got so upset he cried but in away did him good as he has been bottling up so i think as he failed the badge this time it just got . there is always next time for the badgex bless him just booked a in door carboot for the end of the month be good to try to make abit of cash courstey of someof ex'x things he wouldnt even remember he had lol i suppose they do have their uses lol off in abit to see family in worcester not got much family but my aunt and cousin have been my rocks in this .
have a lovely day shaz
hi hope everyone is well least here it is not raining had loads of that last night driving home from my aunts . had alovely day yest little one cried again coming home didnt want to come home im begining to wonder if this house holds to much for them should i look into moving ? but where and how ? i have to still tell my ex of things like that well i was told to when i applied for the divorce but how do you do that when the other half is on bail !!!! then i look at what i got here and think i have the kids settled in a school i have afare good friends here and good neighbours that have been there for me but if i move to a new area then im going to be on my own my aunt wants me to go over there but how they live in a expensive area and i doubt i could get any form of help in housing there . oh today i really hate my ex for this i have just had a cry with my little one as he has come in to me crying it hurts to see them upset and he has not said or cried much since may . its been 4 months since he left am i asking too much of myself to be over it by now ! god i wish i can get up blink wipe 17 years away just like he says he has and start afresh !stay positive keep telling myself that hope it helps today . off to get ready as i have had a lie in today which is rare for me then i go in the garden tidy up get the washing out as it will dry today then do the ironing ready for school hope you all good day today hugs to you all x
Hi shaz5
I doubt that moving away would make a great deal of difference. Children want to be with the people they love, no matter where, what is grieving your sons is their dad's bahviour and they will carry that with them even if you move house. I know it must feel frustrating not to be able to sort things out more quickly but you have done the very best thing in looking at getting them some counselling.
Take care today and hope things will improve, we are with you every step of the way
Hi, welcome to One Space. I am sorry to meet you at such a difficult time, but am glad you are here as we can support you through this.
Well done for filing for divorce, that takes some guts and also well done for keeping that to yourself and not sharing it with your ex, I am sure that he will have an unpleasant response to it, so first and foremost we need to ensure that you and your boys are safe.
You say that the Police have been great, have you had an alarm fitted into your house?
Have you been in touch with Womens Aid? They have a 24 hour national domestic abuse helpline, so you can call at any time: 0808 2000 247.
You have a journey ahead of you, but you have taken the first few steps, yes it is going to be hard, but the future is now going to be better than the past, I can assure you.
Try not to think about the past, you are making changes now and that is the important thing.You have obviously been through some terrifying experiences as have your boys, however it sounds like you are a strong unit.
Do you have anyone locally that is supporting you through this?