Abit of advice please folks
Of course Claire-Louise, throw some bits Shortie's way, I've nominated her for the packing ;) :) :)
Hi all
shortie2, you must'n't feel like you are palming Louise off, this just isn't true. It is good for her to have the experience of being around others. I know she is only little at the moment, but it is important for her to learn a little bit of independance even at this young age. Letting someone else have her every now and again could be a life saver for you. :)
Count me in for Barbados, in fact I'm already packed and waiting at the airport right now!! :lol:
Hi shortie2 when are you thinking of going back to work?
Your daughter is only 5 months or so, so I think it is fair enough to want to keep her by your side at all times, she is completely helpless and needs you. However when she becomes one and romping around and a little more independant, maybe you won't find it so hard. :)
don't worry about flight tickets, they are on me!!! :D
Hi shortie2 when are you thinking of going back to work?
Your daughter is only 5 months or so, so I think it is fair enough to want to keep her by your side at all times, she is completely helpless and needs you. However when she becomes one and romping around and a little more independant, maybe you won't find it so hard. :)
don't worry about flight tickets, they are on me!!! :D
Thank you so much Anna.
Just highlighting it so we can all see it :D 8-) :roll: :geek:
:lol: :lol: :lol:
A whole hour, shortie2? :lol:
Seriously it will be a hard transition for you and we will be here to support you through.
Hi Sparkling
I saw it, and I'm loving it :lol: :lol: :lol:
Just highlighting it so we can all see it :D 8-) :roll: :geek:
Shortie, you've done the packing, we'll do the babysitting :)
Oh shortie2, it is so waring on the heart and soul, all this two-ing and fro-ing. I read your post and feel the frustration and remember it vividly. However I want you to stop and think about something...
How was Louise? I know she is only small, so can't telll you, but was she well? Were her legs freezing? Had she gotten nappy rash?
I remember that so often I was noticing all the things that he had done wrong, that I didn't stop and realise that everything was actually ok, just not my way. Some people just don't seem to think that half an hour later than originally planned is late, it might have been that they set out 5 mins before the allocated time, then had to get petrol and cash out, had to stop for phone call, who knows, but they got delayed and don't realised there is a woman waiting in her house pulling her hair out staring at the clock and making frantic threats with every passing second! :)
I am not saying you are wrong wanting supervised access, but from my experience (and it may be different in your part of the country), these places are supervised by elderly volunteers, who just think it is lovely that there is a place for absent parents to spend time with their children, regardless of the circumstances. They always give a glowing report to the court regarding parent and childs behaviour, all they can do is sit and play board games.(Although years later my daughter said she really liked it there because her dad would play with her rather than drive around and visit his friends!!)
Usually supervised access lasts for 3 months and then it has to be reviewed and moved on, usually in favour of the absent parent as they have shown up every session. (they have shown their consistency, their willingness/keeness and have not missed one of 6 fortnightly visits, how responsible this has showed everybody :shock: :oops: )(Do I sound cross??)
Anyway what I am trying to say is, hard as it is can you try and look at the positives of your ex and what he is doing with his daughter, he may want her just as a trophy and if that is the case he will still need to learn how to look after her properly. We are with them 24/7, we know pretty instantly when the nappy needs changing etc. If someone had landed a baby on us 2 years ago, how would we have coped? Itis all a learning experience.
Come on here and have a good rant, as it is soooo frustrating visits to the absent parent and it takes a lot out of us, more than anyone else could imagine. But take your time with threats against him, for your own sake as you don't need added grief, everyone's backs get up and it is a long painful process.
Phew! Sorry shortie2, I was only going to say that I recognise that feeling of the audacity of your ex and his incompetence! How are you today?? :)
hi shortie2
Glad the snow is melting up there. I agree it is a worry the little ones going out in this freezing cold weather.
I am not surprised you are so angry about what happened the other day. Anna has some really wise words for you and I just wanted to say that I agree :)
Hi shortie
How are you today? I would have been just as angry as you, and would probably have threatened all these things. Reading Anna's post makes lots of sense, and I hope you've had a re-think now. Yes, the same sort of thing will probably happen again and again, but hold on to Anna's words. I was actually thinking too, that if your ex doesn't get any sort of reaction for being late, leaving tights off etc etc, he might well get bored with the whole thing!!
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hi shortie
Are you part of 'taggart' team :lol:
I just had visions of you with camera in hand, and your little baby staring at you in wonder!!!
It is great that you are not being vindictive by not letting him see baby Louise, and if it did go to court, he wouldn't have any ammunition against you. I really do hope that tomorrow goes without any hitches. Have a good night, and try not to worry too much. Easier than said than done I know.
Take care
Alison
x :)
Good for you shortie2. It will be interesting to see whether it is the same nappy. By the way, he does not actually have any "rights" (although he could have, if he got a court order to define parenting time) However, the general presumption is that the child has a right to a relationship with both its parents, provided it is safe to do so.
Anyway I am sure you are handling it the right way, to wait and see
Hi
I'm apologising in advance here... I'm just throwing in some different view points into the pot (comes from having to put arguements into essays...)
It's good he's wanting to see your daughter and I feel he is trying. He has no idea how to deal with her, as he's not spending enough time to gain confidence. Yep, it could be that he's not bothered and I'm not disputing that.
An idea may be to suggest that he takes her out for an hour or two. That way he's spending time with her, and you know that she's not going to be in a manky nappy all day. You will also know that she's being fed properly (long story regarding my in-laws here if anyone wants to know :D ).
Alternatively, you provide the nappies and a change of clothes, and tell him to bring everything back (ok, not manky nappies). Yes, it can be argued that he could go out and buy a pack of nappies and some clothes, but the reality is that won't happen. I was married for 20 years but still had to provide everything for The Git when the children were staying there regularly (including dry-nites for my son with special needs).
This can be turned into a challenge each time he sees her - and she does have a right to see him and build a relationship with him - or you could perhaps make things easier in the long run, as you will know that she has everything she needs.
As I say, just some different ideas.
I can hear how absolutely fuming you are, shortie2, and no wonder. We can turn into tigresses when it is an issue of protecting our children.
See what the Health Visitor says. There may be some sort of parenting support HE can get, if he has little idea of caring for a child.
I have to say that I agree with sparkling lime. Witholding contact will certainly up the ante and then you will be in the middle of a legal battle. If your character assessment of him is correct then he will stay in the background anyway, after the initial flurry of effort. Human nature being what it is, it is my opinion that if you cross him, this will make him more determined to fight you.
Of course you have to make sure Louise is safe and properly clothed and yes, that might mean proiding the nappies. Remember, you would be providing them for Louise (not for him!) I know he does ot get on with is dad any more but is there anyone else he DOES respect that could give him a bit of friendly advice about childcare? It might end up being the Health Visitor, who could perhaps make an excuse to have an appointment with him ("We like to see both parents" etc?)
I think a list is such a good idea. I am sure there are men who can do these things so easily, and while I know I'm being very generalistic :? :roll: 8-) boy, do some men need a list...
To be honest, as I had no childcare experience myself when I had my first child, I would have liked a list as well!!!!! :oops:
What do you think, shortie 2?
yes it is very difficult to know who is telling the whole story here.......You will just have to bide your time, shortie2 and see what happens. At least now you have talked with the Health Visitor, it has put your concern on record
Hi shortie2
Well done for getting the solicitors letter out.
I have just editted the names in your post. We encourage everybody to anonymise people that they talk about as it exposes you and breaks confidentiality. So please use initials or abbreviations.
Have you heard anything since he received the letter?
Hi shortie2
Thanks for the update.
I wonder if I might say something that struck me when I read your post? It seems to me that there are a lot of texts flying back and forth and I wonder how it would be if you just decided not to have that sort of contact with your daughter's dad and maintain a silence.
You're right, he may well not do anything about it but he has also put you and your daughter in a difficult position financially by only contributing £10 a fortnight to her upkeep. The stuff about his bereavements is not really relevant; all you are asking him to do is to keep your daughter warm and clean when he sees her. I have said before that the issue you have about the new girlfriend is a more difficult one as unless you can prove she is a danger to your daughter, you would be unlikely to get contact with the girlfriend banned.
Hi shortie2
In my view point, as you've chosen to take action via the solicitor, then stick to it.
As Louise has said, you can't stop his partner seeing your daughter when she's in his care.
Personally, I feel that short visits would be in order so that you know your daughter is clean and fed.
And - again, just my view point - why all these text messages between the two of you? Ignore anything that doesn't relate to contact with your daughter.
You're just getting wound up over it - and believe me, I know how that feels. The Git still plays games with me, and with what is going on today between the children too.
The Git is a disgrace. He sees as little of the children as possible and avoids paying maintenance by lying about his income (I get £37 a month at the mo for four children as he claims to work 12 hours a week when I know he works full time).
I just feel this is being made harder than it needs to be. Your life will be easier when you get to the point of accepting that this is how he is (it took me four years to get to that point, by the way, so I do understand how horrid things can be).
Hi shortie2
sparklinglime's post was really poignant for me in regards to your message.
It takes us a long time to get over all the things we wish that the absent parent should be doing. They can play games and twist things and we can get very mixed up and annoyed with it all.
Where you are right now, is still very wound up by your ex, WE can't control them and we need to truly recognise this. When we have, it means we can let go a bit and get on with our life. Make new expectations and boundaries and stick with them.
I think from your posts:
You want your daughter to know her dad. (which at this time, he sounds like he does too)
You want your daughter to be cared for (if he has her for a few hours at a time then you can control food and nappies and clothes)
You don't want ex's fiancee involved (she is a part of your ex's life now and if they are going to be married, will be for the foreseeable future, again you are unable to have control over this)
Of course you want the best for your daughter, but maybe it is time to recognise that if you try and control everything it just becomes really stressful for you.
I know this is easy for me to say as I am 15 years down the line, but I do remember going through all that you are and at the end of the day, whether he takes you to Court or not, the situation is unlikely to be resolved exactly in the way that you want.
Give yourself a break, know that you have done everything that you can to create what you wanted for your daughter, but now it is time to compromise, it doesn't necessarily mean you will be 100% happy with the outcome, but it does mean you can focus on the really important issues, which is your daughters well being.
Do you think this is possible?
hope you're doing ok shortie2
Hi yummymummy25, thanks for your message. It is something that we all have had to go through and it is not easy, however once we get through the initial hurdle of acceptance, our lives do become a little easier. I like how you said. We just have to let go.
Is your ex still with his new girlfriend, or is that old news?
Ahhh
Its good to be able to have a joke and and laugh (as well as a good cry!) Its just been snowing here in bristol again although it has now turned to rain. Ohh some hot sunshine would really do the trick. can I come too???!!
C-L