Age 54 Trying to manage the abuse

Roseanne

Hi,

Not a pleasant way to have to introduce myself. I have been in this relationship for nearly 6 years now, and I'm still trying to cope with it. I find myself making the most of the times when he is not abusive to get things done (like paying bills, getting on with my work etc). When things are bad I try to keep going but it is not easy, I get depressed and feel mentally blocked. If I leave I fear that I will lose everything that I have. It's not that I am materialistic, it's just that I have lost everything twice before and I know how hard it can be to come back. I am 54 and the thought of starting again now is so, so depressing. Some days I think to hell with it, I can do it, but other days I know I can't. He has messed my head up something awful, but I just keep trying to keep going.

Posted on: June 4, 2009 - 9:23am

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello Roseanne

Thank you for your message, I am glad you have found us. You are very brave to be able to talk about this. I totally understand that you are fearful of the future if you lose the security you feel you have, especially if you have been through it before. Life must be very difficult, waiting for the cycle to come to a decent place so you can get on with the business of life. Have you got any kids, whether at home or not and how have they been affected? Are you in touch with your local Woman's Aid/IDAS? They can give you support on an outreach basis, even if you want to stay in the relationship. Find your local contact at http://www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010024

You may have read elsewhere on the site about the Freedom Programme. This is a course for victims of domestic violence and is something that could help you in the future. For now, do pleae reach out and get some more support. We are all here for you and even being able to post is a massive step. Please keep posting.

BIG HUG

Louise

Posted on: June 4, 2009 - 9:52am

Roseanne

Thank you Louise,

Ok, now you have me in tears. Strange isn't it, I'm there when anyone needs help, but when it comes to me I put myself on the back burner!

I'm in one of those 'I can cope with this' moods at the moment. But the worst thing about this is that I know it is going to end, and I am going to be in my helpless state again. I really want to break this loop. I'm not unintelligent, but I do feel quite numb at times, unable to think straight or do what I need to do. One of which is obviously, think about myself first. I have actually done something that really goes against my grain, I have opened a secret bank account in my daughters name. This is a massive step for me. I manage to put the odd 5 or 10 in there, it is slowly adding up. This is not easy as he keeps a very close eye on what I spend. I have to stop myself feeling guilty about this.

So, yes I have two daughters, one who lives close by, three granddaughters, two live close and one grandson due at the end of July. They give me a reason to keep going in those black moments. I have got so much to be grateful for and I know that there are people out there much worse off than me, but I do confess, I feel sorry for myself sometimes, I don't deserve this crap.

Posted on: June 4, 2009 - 10:08am

sparklinglime

Hi Roseanne

Sending loads of hugs your way. I realise how much courage it has taken you to post this.

Your so right when you say you don't deserve this - you don't.

I think its brilliant that you have that back account. Are you daughters aware of what is happening?

Sending so much strength your way.

Posted on: June 4, 2009 - 10:09am

Roseanne

Hi Sparklingline

Thanks for your comments. Yes my daughters know, and quite frankly one of them would do anything to help if I made the leap. She is so good, she never gives anything away when she is talking to my partner. She knows most of what has happened, but not all. I'm afraid I have used her for support too often, but she is a gem and is always there for me, she listens and looks at me with those pleading eyes as if to say, please, please .......get out of there!!

There are times when he doesn't speak to me for days on end, has been weeks before. This does drive me nuts but now I try to use this time to get on with my business and get something that he can't take off me.

Oops, feel like the flood gate is opening. Hope you come back and talk to me again, got to get on with some work now.

Thanks again.

Roseanne

Posted on: June 4, 2009 - 10:26am

sparklinglime

I 'talk' far more when I have work to do! Avoidance, I'm very good at that.

I'm glad you have the support of you daughter. I also know that it takes time for the courage to build. More so if you've been through it before? I hope you do manage to get as much put away as you can.

My dad was abusive to my mum, and the silence would go on for weeks. It was horrid growing up with it, but mum was too scared to leave. Dad died 5 years before my mum, so she did have a bit of 'quiet' time.

I lost everything with my ex, but have been lucky in getting a housing association house - with a view across fields to the mountains! The rabbit has 'hopped' in from the garden and is sniffing around my chair!

Posted on: June 4, 2009 - 10:34am

Roseanne

That sound so beautiful. I love the countryside.

The silence is so hard to take, sometimes I just wish he would shout at me or something, just to break the silence. Sounds insane eh! But I think you will understand. I kept a diary for a while last year, only for 43 days, he didn't speak to me for 35 of them, and when he did he had nothing nice to say.I had no idea that things were that bad, it scared me so much I stopped keeping the diary.

Where I live there is no help if I leave, no income support or housing. I could come back to the UK but my family and friends are here, and I want to stay here. I have had offers of couches to sleep on, but it's rarely without some hidden agenda, if you know what I mean. I just need to get my business running better so that I can support myself, should have done it years ago, then maybe I wouldn't have ended up like this again!

It's so good to talk, but I really must go for now. I will look in later to see if you are there. Would love to hear more about your home and the views. I have been lucky enough to have lived in some beautiful parts of the UK and elsewhere. I am so happy for you.

Say hello to the rabbit for me!
Talk soon
Roseanne

Posted on: June 4, 2009 - 10:55am

sparklinglime

That must be so hard to cope with.

My mum worked full time (she was a nurse) and that kept her sane. As horrid as my dad was with my mum, I was quite a daddy's girl...

Being abroad makes things very hard for you. I used to work full time, but as it was nights, I did give that up when I left, and I have ended up on income support. I worked for most of my life, and I find this difficult - so a few voluntary bits, as I certainly wouldn't be able to commit to working for an employer (my youngest is home all this week following an asthma attack, and the nurse being concerned about his 'puff' volume)

I hope you are able to get on with your own thing so that you do have laughter in your day. I'm glad your children and grandchildren are close by.

Best wishes

Posted on: June 4, 2009 - 12:04pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hi again Roseanne

Sorry I did not realise you were not in the Uk and there I was giving you all the info as if you were :? Do you feel able to say which country you're in?

I am so glad you have the support of local family. But no-one can get you to leave until you are ready. I think It's very encouraging that you are managing to stow away odd bits of money.

Keep coming on the boards as there is good support here ;)

Louise

Posted on: June 4, 2009 - 12:46pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi Roseanne

Welcome to the boards! Reading your posts I don't think you are aware of how difficult life has become for you, I mean sure you do on a day to day basis, but living with this will be affecting your mental health considerably and no one deserves to be that unhappy or unfulfilled. It always surprises the mental fortitude that we have to be able to live in these circumstances and lie to ourselves that it will change, be different, be ok, we'll be different etc and it is only after we have left that we realise the full extent of the trauma and pressure that we were living under.

Like the others have said, it is great that you are able to siphen away some of your money, if you do attempt to leave suddenly do also make sure that you have your passport or any other legal documentation you might need, driving licences, bank account details etc, it is always an idea to have these together in the same place, as you may not be able to get access to them later. Another thing you can do to prepare yourself is to get together a bag with some underwear and spare clothes, either stash them safely in the house or ask your daughter to look after them, as one thing women who leave find that not having a clean pair of pants can send them into more depths of despair!

I am also wondering whether it would be a good idea if you cleared your internet history as well, each time you visit us or another site that could suppport you, as abusive men have been known to check up on their partners using the internet and he may well read your posts. I don't want to worry you, I just want you to be vigilant. :P

I know you said that you didn't want to leave family and friends and I completely understand that, but your safety is of the utmost importance. Are you able to call the police? Do you own the house you live in?

Posted on: June 4, 2009 - 3:24pm

Roseanne

Hey you guys are so supportive. I hadn't even thought of stashing undies. I have to carry my passport and driving license all the time, but my other documents are in the house, which we rent, I think he would notice if they went missing, but I will do my best. No good putting them in my handbag, he has ripped two of them apart to find money already, he says I steal from him. He did find some coins that had gone through the lining, he was welcome to them.

I live in Portugal. I came here about 13 years ago with my youngest, my eldest was 19 at the time and didn't want to come with us. He came here about 7 years ago, we met in 2003. Whirlwind of course, and to cut a very long and confusing story short, the chinks started to apear very quickly. He had just lost his wife to alcoholism and I put it down to that and decided to give him 2 years to get over it. But, as I am sure you have already thought, it wasn't greif that made him the way he is.......

Hey Spaklingline, sounds like you have been through it some. Hope your youngest gets over the asthma soon. Isn't it good to still be able to help them even when they have grown and moved on? I know I enjoy that so much. Not much to offer my kids, but I will always do what I can.

Anna, thanks for the advise, all totally logical, but as you will know, not what you think about when you are in this situation. I do try. I have changed my passwords to everything on my computer, (which he has thrown accross the room countless times, I think he sees it as a threat) and given a copy of them to my daughter so that if for any reason, she can access anything of mine. She really is a gem and I think she will throw a party the day I leave. It's good to hear good common sense advice. Lets hope I have the sense left to follow it.

As I said earlier, this is a calm time. He is not having a go for anything at the moment, and I am trying to make the most of it. One thing for sure, I am so, so glad I found this site. I haven't talked this much in a long long time. Laughs, hardly ever. Made friends with a lady, we do have a laugh occasionally but it is so difficult to get out to see her now. Nobody ever comes to the house anymore.

Feel as if I am burbling.

Don't know you personally, but love you all the same.

Roseanne

Posted on: June 4, 2009 - 10:17pm

sparklinglime

It took me a long time for me to find the courage to leave.

Keep safe though Roseanne,

Posted on: June 4, 2009 - 10:45pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi roseanne, that's great that you are finding this site so supportive.

I wrote a long message to you earlier but the blasted thing got deleted as it timed out, tut! So I will try and capture everything I said again.

I run programmes for women who are surviving domestic abuse and also who have left abusive relationships, when I did the training I learnt about the Cycle of Violence, which I had never heard of before but it made a lot of sense. And I recognised it. Here it is, but imagine it is in a circle!!

Abuse/violence--------Lies & forgiveness--------Hearts & flowers-----------Calm------------Tension Building--------------Abuse/violence--------lies & forgiveness - he didn't mean it, he denies it, we are overreacting, he begs our forgiveness------------we get gifts, we talk about the future and holiday plans-----------------life gets back to 'normal'-----------------we start to notice the smallest things are irritating him, we start to tiptoes around him again------------you know what comes next--------and on it goes.

When I speak to professionals who ask, why she doesn't 'just' leave, I tell them about the cycle and ask them when they think is the best time, there is no right answer because you are always caught in a very high or very low emotional state. Also a woman is at her most vulnerable when she leaves and needs all the extra support she can get.

So what I am trying to say there is no right time to leave, often it is the smallest of things that seem to push us over the edge, so it is great that you are putting money away and that you have privacy on your computer, keep looking after yourself.

Have a look at the link below as it does offer information and scroll to the bottom for support for women in Portugal, but you do have to speak Portuguese!

http://womensphere.wordpress.com/2008/03/07/domestic-violence-cases-on-the-rise-in-portugual/

I hope this might be of some help, let us know if it is and keep in touch. :)

Posted on: June 5, 2009 - 4:15pm

Roseanne

Anna,

Thanks for taking time for me. I tried to get to answer you a couple of times at the weekend but he doesn't work weekends, so it proved impossible.

The cycle of abuse is so true and also very scary. You are right, there never will be a good time to leave, I think I've always known that, I am just going to get myself into as good a position as possible for when it happens.

He has just given me a perfect example of the cycle of abuse this weekend. It was 'hearts and flowers' on Saturday, and I actually said to him that my fear was that it would not last. On Sunday morning he was as nasty as could be, and I found myself treading on eggshells again. When I asked him why, he said I was looking for an argument!! No change there then. Later in the day he was 'Mr Nice guy' again, wanting to show everyone that we are a couple. I often think of him as Mr Jekel and Mr Hyde.

This is such a nightmare. I can see so clealy what is happening, but he still f**** my head up. Its so hard to keep doing the things that I need to do. One thing I am doing this morning is putting some more in the bank. Managed to hide some from the car boot yesterday. I am getting more work come my way now as well, it's slow, but it is building up. Maybe I won't have to sleep on the beach when it happens after all.

Thanks for the suggested link, but I'm not fluent in Portugues. I will have a look at the site when I get chance though.

Thanks again Anna, maybe one day I will be helping someone else in this situation.

Roseanne

Posted on: June 8, 2009 - 8:57am

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hey roseanne, absolutely true, you may well be helping someone else one day. That's how I got here! :)

Great to hear about the money building up. I do hope you can get through to the organisation I sent through, I don't know how well the Portuguese speak English, but hopefully they will be able to support you somehow.

How kind of your partner to display the cycle so clearly for us this weekend ;) In the programme that I run for survivors, we discuss different tactics of an abuser and one of the things we discuss is that once you can recognise what he is doing, it is like wearing a bullet proof vest, you don't need to question yourself over and over again, you can recognise it as abuse and start to move forward and away. There is no time limit on how long it takes you to leave, so don't be beating yourself up about that either, ok?!

I have just had a word with Womens Aid and they have recommended a website called hot peach pages, this was the first thing I found:

http://www.hotpeachpages.net/europe/europe1.html#Portugal, I clicked through to some of the links, although they were in Portuguese, and found that you can change them into English, hooray!!

Please have a look around, leaving an abusive relationship is NOT easy and I would recommend you get all the support you can, keep in touch and stay safe 8-)

Posted on: June 8, 2009 - 10:06am

Roseanne

Well, another week gone by. Another week when he wasn't talking to me after his outburst last weekend. Another week where I know he is blaming me. Another week where I have found it very hard to keep going with the things I should be doing for my own sake. Feeling sorry for myself, and angry with myself for feeling sorry for myself instead of getting up and getting on. Can't talk to anyone here, don't know who I can trust anymore. Don't want to keep talking to my daughter, she is 7 months pregnant and has her own stresses. Feel old, feel like a complete failure. So sick of this, no energy to get myself out of it. Does it help to type it out? Don't know!

Posted on: June 14, 2009 - 8:27am

Louise

Parenting specialist

Well I guess it MAY help to know that we are hearing you loud and clear and here to offer our support. I was wondering how this week had been for you, sorry it's been so difficult :cry: Don't feel angry with yourself, you are not Superwoman, you're a normal human being with complex emotions. It's Ok to feel sorry for yourself! Take a few deep breaths and think about just ONE nice thing you can do for yourself in the coming week

Louise ;)

Posted on: June 14, 2009 - 12:10pm

sparklinglime

Hi Roseanne
I am sorry your week has been so hard.

I hope you were able to spend some good times with your daughter, away from the silence.

Loads of hugs

Posted on: June 14, 2009 - 12:14pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi roseanne, i am so glad you have come back to One Space, as Louise said, we are listening to you loud and clear :) And I do think it helps to write it down, it means that you can finally express yourself without someone telling you that you are wrong, stupid, crazy or hormonal! It doesn't bother your daughter and it also means you can read it back at some point and recognise that this is an ongoing problem that needs dealing with.

Did you see this website:

http://www.wave-network.org/start.asp?extra=lnd&lndid=105&ctry=PORTUGAL

Leaving your partner is not going to be easy, please get all the support you can, from professionals I mean, your family can only support you so much, but like you said, they don't need the stress.

You know what is going on at home is wrong and even if it wasn't, you are not happy there. I am not surprised that you
are feeling sorry for yourself, you should be, if it was happening to anyone else you would be feeling sorry for them. Don't be angry at yourself, be angry with him, he is making you feel like this (I don't mean verbally, I mean to yourself, you don't want to give him any ammunition).

Please get onto the above website and see what is out there and get back and let us know, you don't need to keep dealing with this on your own, there is support out there.

Posted on: June 15, 2009 - 2:35pm

Roseanne

Hi all,

Yet again, thanks for you kind words and encouragement. I have looked at the website that you suggested but the nearest help is nearly 80km away, and I am sorry to say, that when my daughter needed help a few years ago I took her along and to be honest there was no real help available. A lot of form filling and 'sorry we can't do that for you'.

I had a lovely day out with my daughter yesterday. :D We went shopping for the new baby, due end of July/begining of August. I was very extravagant an bought myself a new top. Felt really good. She encourages me and is brutally honest if she thinks I don't suit something, but in a totally loving way. She is such a treasure. A bit of roll reversal going on at the moment, I don't mind at all.

Unfortunately the evening was bad again. I was a bitch for aking him not to turn the oven off, I was baking bread. The last thing he said to me before he took himself off to bed full of drink was F*** O**. This morning he tells me it was me, I was 'getting at him'! Yes, I can hear you thinking it, it's that cycle again, and yes, now that I recognise it, it does have less effect. I spend more time trying to find solutions for myself now, rather than running it all through my mind and driving myself crazy with it.

Trying to get on with some work today, not doing bad considering. Stop every now and then to feel sorry for myself then give myself a kick and go back to work.

Maybe one day me and my daughter will start a helpline in Portugal or something. :idea: Big ambition, long way off, but the seed is there.

Thanks again

Posted on: June 17, 2009 - 12:01pm

sparklinglime

Hi Roseanne

That is such a good idea that you have there. You'll certainly (and sadly) have so knowledge of things after what you're going through.

Sorry he spoilt a lovely day with you daughter.

In a way, you know you are working towards sorting this out, I'm just sad he's such a sod meanwhile. I wouldn't expect any of it to be easier, however.

Loads of hugs.

Posted on: June 17, 2009 - 12:14pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi roseanne

It is so good to see you back on the boards. I think sparklinglime hit the nail on the head, even though you might not feel like it, you are working towards a solution right now.

It is good to hear that you have your shield of armour on when he is being abusive, hopefully this protects your core self from being completely diminished and humiliated or beaten.

Don't kick yourself for feeling sorry for yourself, you wouldn't be normal if you accepted all of this and took it in your stride, he is being abusive towards you, you certainly mustnt be, you must treat yourself with the love and kindness you deserve. One mantra that helped me a lot was "I love and approve of myself and I am in control of my life". I used to repeat this 400/500 times a day, still do when i need to! :)

Try it for a few days and I bet you will find that you feel better/differently about things.

What work do you do at home roseanne :?:

Posted on: June 17, 2009 - 12:42pm

Roseanne

Hi Anna,

I seem to be doing a bit of eveything. I am an Aromatherapist/Reflexologist and I make up my own blends and sell them at car boots. I also grow plants to sell. As if that wasn't enough I am a bit of a photographer and I also put other peoples onto canvas for them. When I'm not 'busy' I work behind a busy bar, which I love. In my spare time I have built a website and am trying to get it to make me some money so that my options increase.....apart from that, nothing much really!!!

These are all new businesses that we were supposed to be working together on, but he seems to try to scupper my efforts whenever he can. I think it's because they are based on my talents an he has no control. ;)

Roseanne

Posted on: June 17, 2009 - 1:20pm

sparklinglime

Wow Roseanne. That's brilliant!

You can do this.

Posted on: June 17, 2009 - 2:10pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Wow, you are busy then! We are all rooting for you! Show us your website?!

Posted on: June 17, 2009 - 3:33pm

Roseanne

Hi there,

Yip, I am busy, I think it helps me cope sometimes. I've got two sites http://www.annlewisphotography.com and http://www.easier-weight-loss.com
Let me know what you think of them. I'm a newby to site building and I'm on a steep learning curve. If I never make any money, which I believe I will, I have learnt so much, not least about my own determination.

All quiet on the Western Algarve tonight. Sweat dreams everyone, and my heartfelt thanks as always.

:) Roseanne

Posted on: June 17, 2009 - 11:19pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

I love the photography site, are they your photos? They are stunning :)

Not so sure about the 'strip that fat' site though. I got conned into buying a liquid for £30 thinking it would help me lose weight, I think all those things are rip offs, recently saw a documentary saying that non of these things have proper scientific proof that they work, the only thing that works is eat less, exercise more!!!

Great to see you are keeping busy though! Also glad things are quiet for a while, hopefully you can gather your thoughts for a bit.

Take care of you, have a good day, I bet the sun is shining! 8-)

Posted on: June 18, 2009 - 10:15am

Roseanne

Hi Anna

Yes they are my photographs, thank you for your comments on them. Sorry you got ripped off with a weight loss product. We are all different, what works for one doesn't always work for the next. And you are right, at the end of the day it's as simple as eat right and exercise.

There was a time that I was going to have a T-shirt printed saying "Yes the sun is shining, again!" We actually could do with some rain right now, its hot and sticky, but I'm sure you won't feel sorry for us, and why should you.

Going to take a couple of hours out today to walk on the beach, it helps me to think.

Posted on: June 19, 2009 - 9:40am

Louise

Parenting specialist

WOW I love the photos.

Roseanne you just have SOOOOOOOO much going for you and so much talent. Please believe in yourself, and know that when you are ready to take the next step, you CAN do it!

Louise :)

Posted on: June 19, 2009 - 10:23am

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hear hear Louise!

Enjoy the walk on the beach, wish I was joining you. :) I used to love writing things in the sand when I was little and was feeling furious about being told off or something. Because once you have vented your rage you can cribble it out and only you, the sand and the ocean will ever know how you truly feel. ;)

Enjoy :D

Posted on: June 19, 2009 - 12:47pm

Roseanne

Hi Everyone,

I have just found the url for this site. I lost it and had no record of it anywhere (I am in the habit of deleting browsing history so that I can't get caught). I found it attached to my website as a link, it must have happened when I gave you my website address. Thank goodness. :D

The situation is not improving, but I am feeling as if I am regaining some of myself. I have a little more faith in myself and that is partly due to you all. You have been so encouraging and supporting. (Which is why I was so gutted at having lost the link! :) )

I am going to do all I can to build on this and work toward where 'I' want to go.

I'd love to know more about you all. What do you do etc.

So happy i've found you all again. :D

Roseanne

Posted on: July 3, 2009 - 9:18am

Bubblegum

Hi,

If you loose the url again, just goggle 'single parent' and it's the first link.

: )

Posted on: July 3, 2009 - 9:59am

Louise

Parenting specialist

That's handy, Bubblegum ;)

Hello again Roseanne, I was wondering how you were getting on. Hopefully the others will chip in and let you know a bit more about themselves. I am one of the moderators of this board (with Anna).

I am glad to hear that your strength is growing, you sound as if the "focus" is becoming clearer, somehow. Does that sound right?

Posted on: July 3, 2009 - 2:14pm

Roseanne

Hi Louise,
Yes I am feeling more focused and clearer headed. As I said it's still not good around here but it seems to effect me less in some ways. Feels good to be gaining some control of myself again. :)

It's lovely to know that you were wondering about me, feels like I have friends out there. And the best thing about that is 'he' can't affect or control that. :D

Thanks Bubblegum, that really is good to know, and I'm sure it will help others too.

Just had a visit from my daughter, she is on a high at the moment and that helps too. She is so much more beautiful when she is happy and positive, and that's where I am going. One step at a time. ;)

Cheers

Roseanne

Posted on: July 3, 2009 - 4:25pm

sparklinglime

Hi Roseanne

I'm so glad you're feeling more positive about things.

So glad you're daughter's doing ok too.

One day at at time, I find is the best way to be!

Quite a breeze here today - such a relief!! :D

Posted on: July 3, 2009 - 5:10pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi roseanne, i have been away last week and you crossed my mind a couple of times, so its FANTASTIC to see you back again :D

Sorry to hear that things aren't improving, but great to know that you have been wearing your bullet proof vest! :shock:

As long as you keep protecting yourself from hateful words, hopefully the behaviour becomes easier to recognise and easier to disassociate yourself from.

I have just learnt that when our children are happy, it really takes a load of ones mind!! My daughter had an upset the other day and I felt heavy and blue all day for it, when I spoke to her after she got home from school, she was fine and suddenly my day improved, children huh, who'd have em!

Keep in touch, what are your plans for the next few weeks?

Posted on: July 6, 2009 - 11:54am

Roseanne

Hi to all,

Still ticking away. Started a new business selling cakes and cookies, 110 euros in the first week. Fingers crossed for a snowball effect. My daughter, due any day now, is now finding it quite uncomfortable to move around, especially in this heat. Even worse today because the wind has dropped, it can be quite unbearable. Will have my first grandson in my arms very soon.

I dropped into a friends pool on Monday, heaven :D He was at work and when he asked me what I'd done that day I just said that I had sat in the back yard reading. (had to explain the sudden suntan!) Felt really naughty, but ever so good. :lol: Plan to do it again when I get the chance, so enjoyed the break.

Hope you enjoyed your week away Anna and lovely to know that you were thinking of me. I've added a weapon to my bullet proof vest. I came across this quote the other day.

"No matter what you say or do to me, I am still a worthwhile person."

Maybe someone else will see it here and it may help them. Most of the time my 'vest' works, I find that it's when I am tired that he gets to me more than any other time. That's when I try to think of the above quote. It does help.

Glad your daughter is OK. Know what you mean, I worry so much about mine sometimes, despite the fact that they are nearly 30 and 32. I hate it when things aren't going good for them. But we wouldn't be without them would we!

Hi Sparklinglime, good to hear from you. Sounds like you have been having some good weather too. You are right, one day at a time, but these days I have one eye on the future as well. ;)

Thanks again for your kind thoughts. Roseanne

Posted on: July 15, 2009 - 12:38pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hi Roseanne

Good to hear from you. Your quote that reinforces your bullet-proof vest is wonderful! :)

How exciting about your grandson's imminent arrival, you will be a proud grandma to him. My sympathies to your daughter; both my babies were born in late August and the lat few weeks were very dificult...it will be worth it in the end.

Wow, a new business enterprise, let's hope it continues so successful. Make sure you put away what money you can, ready for when you go.

Take care and let us know re the new baby.

Louise

Posted on: July 15, 2009 - 12:52pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hey hey, how lovely to 'see' you Roseanne!

Oh good, I am glad you have found a quote that you find empowers you and gives you strength and an extra of armour! Mine was 'I love and approve of myself!' I used to repeat it over and over again all the way through an argument. It is so sad that we need to reinforce this to ourselves, surely that is what a partner is for!

How exciting about a new baby in the family, do you/they have any names yet? Will he be Portuguese?

You sound very enterprising Roseanne, 110 euros is fantastic for a first week of business! Who are you selling these goodies to? I wondered if you were doing it door to door, you could drop into a couple more pools on your way! I bet that was divine. I do hope you get to do it again soon.

Sending you happiness, smiles and a weeks luxury cruise to the Ice Hotel in Sweden where you can chill your boots and get away from the searing heat! :lol:

Posted on: July 15, 2009 - 2:45pm

sparklinglime

Things are sounding so positive and exciting!

Your "vest" is a brilliant idea.

I'll be thinking of you and your daughter. Look forward to hearing the news when you're able to.

Posted on: July 16, 2009 - 12:20am

sadsy

Hello Roseanne,
just wanted to say I loved the photos and website! Did you do it all yourself? Sorry if this is old news, I have not read your posts.

You might want to check out http://www.istockphoto.com for selling your less precious pics. Not sure what the terms are as I've only ever bought pics. However it is a big global photography site. Is volume based. Otherwise Getty have pretty much bought out all the other picture libraries.

I'm sy and my long-term partner left me taking the children to another guy 5 weeks ago or so. I am a mediocre graphic artist - lol.

Grandson coming must be really exciting!

I do also have a saying to help me, from a book, it's a bit dramatic! Not shared it with anyone before...

Quote:

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

Best wishes

Posted on: July 16, 2009 - 8:52pm

sparklinglime

Wondering if Roseanne is a grandma yet...

Posted on: July 21, 2009 - 9:41pm

Roseanne

Hey you lot, so good to know so many people are thinking about me.

Where do I start? My daughter is uppermost on my mind at the moment, she as PGP (Pelvic Girdle Pain) and is extremely uncomfortable. To add to the discomfort she is now 41 weeks, and here in Portugal they will not induce until after 42 weeks. All a bit scary! You can't really converse with Doctors here, they don't consider that you should have anything to say about health matters.

So Sparklinglime, the answer is no, my new grandchild has not arrived yet, but I will let you all know when he does. :| He will be half Portuguese and has to have a Portuguese name. If you name your children anything other than what is on the official list then you have to pay a lot of money for each name to the government! They know how to cream every cent off you here! :roll:

Hello Sy, Thank you for your comments on my photographs, I will have a look at putting some on iStock. Sorry to here that you are going through such a rough time. I can't imagine what it must be like to not have your kids with you. :( My first husband left when mine were 3 and 5 years old. He completely disappeared for the next 15 years or so. He resurfaced a couple of times and now wants contact with his daughters and grandchildren! Mmmm! :x

Graphic Designer eh, do you have a website? Would love to see it if you do. I didn't build my Photography site, but I did build my weight loss site, and wow have I learnt some stuff doing that. Big, big learning curve, but lots of fun.

I love your saying, I will add it to my ever-growing collection. Thanks.

Anna, A week in an Ice Palace, sounds like heaven, thanks for the thought. Selling my cakes to anyone that I can, mostly people that I know locally. Must try to think how to get them into other places.

You are right, our partners should be there for us the way we are there for them, but I now feel that that is a naive dream, one that I plan never to have again! I can and will 'love and approve of myself'!

Louise, as you can see from above, no baby boy yet, but soon. Yes, you are right, the heat of August is no time to be pregnant, but this wasn't planned. My granddaughter is only 14 months old, this one came as a bit of a shock.

My cake business is a bit hit and miss, but still seems to be working, when I have that 'bounce' about me to go out and sell them. Putting money away is so hard, I don't know how he manages it, but he keeps an eye on all money in and out. Amazing really as he doesn't even know how to pay a bill here in Portugal, let alone how much they are or when they come in!

But heh everyone, there are people out there much worse off than me, so I will stop winging and get on with building my future.

Thanks again to you all for your kind thoughts and comments. You are all an extra brick in the wall that I am building between me and my situation. :)

Roseanne

Posted on: August 4, 2009 - 9:27am

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hi Roseanne

It's always good to hear from you :D

oh your poor daughter, phew only a week to go then before they do something if it does not happen naturally. Keep us posted.

It's rainly and muggy in the UK :(

Glad your various projects are going ahead. Yes it must be sooooo annoying that your partner seems to keeps tabs on all the money, strange how they can do this. You are doing the right thing, loving and approving of yourself.

Take care :)

Posted on: August 4, 2009 - 10:42am

sparklinglime

You're sounding well Roseanne - if that's possible via a post! Posititve anyway.

I was almost three weeks overdue with my daughter - I reckon I'd still be pregnant if I hadn't have had a C-section (she's 15 now...).

Do take care, and keep taking those steps forward.

Posted on: August 4, 2009 - 11:19am

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi roseanne, lovely to hear from you.

Your poor daughter, it must be so frustrating for you and her, but shortly all this will be over and you will be cooing and aahhing and these last few weks will be forgottten!

It sounds as if you are keeping positive through all what is going on for you. It must be tough and I am sure you are having down days, but you have a goal and I am sure that must be a comfort knowing that you are doing something towards changing your circumstances.

Thinking of you :D

Posted on: August 4, 2009 - 12:09pm

Roseanne

Hi to all,

Thanks for your replies. It's 8.45 am Wednesday, and I am sat on the edge of my seat. My daughter went to the hospital at 4.15 this morning. :)
No news yet!

Just taken you know who to work, won't be able to visit until later today, so I am taking my camera and a friend to the West Coast for a few hours, see what new pics I can get on this special day.

Be back later when I have more news.

Roseanne

Posted on: August 5, 2009 - 8:50am

Roseanne

Hi again,

I should have waited a bit longer before posting. Micael Angelo was born at 8.52 am. :D All doing well. Won't meet him until later today.

My first and probably my only grandson, I am absolutely overjoyed.

Roseanne

Posted on: August 5, 2009 - 9:22am

Louise

Parenting specialist

CONGRATULATIONS! :D I bet you are over the moon! Hope your daughter is as well as can be expected after the birth. You must be a very proud grandma, time to get that camera into gear again........ FAB!!!!!!!

Posted on: August 5, 2009 - 10:10am

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hey Roseanne

********CONGRATULATIONS - PARABENS!!********

Saúdo a Micael Angelo

I hope you have a lovely time visiting him. If you are using a digital camera, please upload the image onto our family quilt so we can all coo over him!! http://interactive.onespace.org.uk/quilt/

Posted on: August 5, 2009 - 4:34pm

Roseanne

Hey Louise, Anna,

Thanks very much. Yes I am totally over the moon. :D He is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. (But then so were my other grandchildren, oh and before that my daughters!) Not seen him awake yet, every time I visit he is peacefully asleep, ah! I put a photograph on the quilt for you.

So Anna, Tu falas Portugues? I don't find it an easy language to learn, but then I mix too much with the English to really make any headway with it. Still trying though.

Micael aside, I didn't have a very good weekend. The usual. He's fine until the door closes, then the cursing and swearing starts. I just go to bed, don't even ask him why anymore. :|

One really good thing happened on Sunday at the Market. I print my photographs on canvas and I had an inquiry to export them to Norway. Don't know if it will come off but even if it doesn't I am going to look abroad for markets to sell to. Even if I have to bring my prices down it would be worth it. Fingers and all crossed! Ah, the smell of freedom. ;)

Good to hear from you as always.

Roseanne

Posted on: August 11, 2009 - 7:12am