Paula, I hope you today goes at least ok.
I'll be thinking of you today. Sending hugs and strength
Well done paulasgems it sounds as if you are taking some control back. Keep hold of that feeling.
I wanted to make a point here though about a mistake I made many years ago and I just saying it to air it I suppose.
When my ex and I had split for a year, he had a bit of access, but was rubbish and there was a lot of animosity. We came together and decided we needed to talk. We talked and talked and it felt great that the past was in the past and we now had our daughters best interests at heart. I felt so much relief that when he was leaving, I asked him for a hug. For me it was closure to a very difficult 7 years. He gave me a hug, then we carried on talking, then he asked for a hug, I gave it, then as it was SO late he asked if he could stay over so he could see our daughter in the morning. I said fine and felt fine. After I had fallen asleep he had crept upstairs into my bed and one thing led to another. And so we were back together again (I know weird huh, but he caught me at my most vulnerable - asleep!) Anyway it only lasted 2 weeks before he was back to being manipulative and controlling and I ended up kicking him out and we have never really spoken again properly since.
I have spoken to male friends about this since and they ALL said, what did I expect? :o WHAT?? :shock: He obviously wanted to keep control of me and by me showing weakness of needing a hug, of course he was going to try and take it further.
This was SO not my intention, but obviously I was sending him mixed messages. I know that other people deal with their emotions differently, I just wanted to share the above and say Look after yourself Paulagems and watch what you say and do. He knows that you have been a huge support to him over the years and patterns are very difficult to change.
Aghhh, best of luck, let us know how it goes :)
Take care.
and good luck for it to go how ever it is you want it to go : )
Hi Paulasgems
I do hope it is a positive and frutiful meeting for you today. By that I mean that you feel you get some answers, at least, and can move forward. I am so glad Anna shared one of her experiences with us, I guess that is what I meant when I cautioned you against falling back into old patterns, it would be very easy for him just to think that he could be with you as if nothing has happened, BUT IT HAS. Paulasgems, I just would like you to protect yourself against more hurt. Good luck today, will be thinking of you :) and I hope the kids will all be OK
Even I can understand the message I left!
I think it's such a good idea that you have some time to talk first.
Loads of hugs and strength Paula.
Always keep in mind what will work best for you and the children.
xxxx
Hi Paulasgems
Best of luck today, just remember what you need out of meeting up with him. I am presuming it is either an explanation and what the future holds for the children?
Or perhaps a discussion of where you two go from there. Try and keep to the point though and only get emotional with us here!
Its weird to have so many mixed emotions jumping around from one minute to the next, its perfectly normal though. Hold tight and look after yourself, imagine we are all in the next room listening in to your conversation!
Hey paulasgems
We will be your strength for you. :D
When you first came to One Space you were in a different place, over the weeks you have been picking your life up and growing stronger. It always feels like two steps forward one step back. Its fine what you are feeling, but don't forget that you have been betrayed, he deserted you and the children and has given you very little explanation since he has gone. DO NOT GIVE HIM YOUR POWER. You have been wronged, do not let him have free rein.
You deserve better than what he had to offer, he is hoping that you will be your usual understanding self, which ultimately lets him off the hook. I would try and go cold. Don't give him too much of yourself, because after he has gone you will be annoyed that you shared your upset with him. He has made his mind up and to make his life easier, he wants you to ok it.
This may not be very encouraging but I just don't want you to give him an easy ride. When you said he is caring, that is his way of approaching things and that is lovely to be around, but actually his behaviour towards you or your girls has not been particularly caring.
Although you feel like you do now, you may find as soon as you see him, your blood will boil! :shock:
Well done Paulasgems! That's understandable there were a few tears, after all it has been a heck of a five weeks! Hope the kids remain Ok and take heart from how strong you have already been. Stay focused and it will be fruitful ;)
Hi Paulasgems
Well done you, you sound as if the air is clearing for you and that in turn will help you feel stronger.
Stay vigilant these next few days as when he leaves it may be another wrench for you.
Thinking of you and good luck :)
Loads of hugs Paula for you and your children.
Hi paulasgems, well.....so far, so good. It must be difficult for you.
I notice in your post that there was a lot about him and what he wanted and what he was going to do and what might happen to him. Paulasgems it is not your responsibility anymore. I really want you just to think of you and the kids and if he has problems, well, TOUGH, he is a grown-up. As long as the kids are Ok then that is what matters.
Sending you barrel-loads of strength....... :)
I sometimes think we weep for what could have been.
All those dreams...
Loads of hugs... So many hugs.
Hi Pansy
I agree with sparkling, you are mourning for the loss of your hopes....it is the same as the process of bereavement with all the different stages to get through. it doesn't mean you will always love him like you do now but maybe, there will always be part of your heart that is his, and that's Ok, he is the father of your kids and you had all that time with him, people would not expect any different reaction of you.
What a rollercoaster you have been through! Don't expect to feel better too soon, it will take time and will be a gradual process. How are the kids?
Hi Pansy
I responded to you on the 'Hallo' post, but I just wanted to add here, that I think you are doing fabulously. In the other post, I said that you should do what you want today, and I just wanted to say, as a family you have all been through an emotional rollercoaster the last few days, so if the kids bother you, tell them how you are feeling and how you need everyone to have a nice week this week and that you all need to look after each other.
You probably already have done that, as you seem to be good at that sort of thing. It is always good for a family to share these difficult times and as your children are that bit older, it means that they can express their upset and you can show yours.
As Louise said, you will always have certain feelings for him, especially in the early days, but you never know what is round the corner, so it is YOUR life now and time for you. Think about you and what you want, because if he is coming down monthly, it could end up being all about him and waiting for his next visit.
Like I said it sounds as though you are actually very sensible and in control and at the moment you are going through all the normal emotions of a break up. Just take it easy on yourself and believe in your self.
Of course!!
I think that is a swell idea, although, if he thinks he is coming down and you are going out galavanting he might not make so much of an effort?
Sorry to all our dads online, but it does seem to me that some men only keep seeing their children if they are still in favour with the mother. Do you think this is true??
I just think it is very hard for parents of both genders to separate their feelings for the other parent from their involvement with the child......but it is FAB for the child if they can do so......
:shock:
.....I am looking sternly over my imaginary glasses (AGAIN :lol: )
Glad you're feeling brighter, Pansy :) You certainly have been through the mill the last few days!
Hear hear, its great to read that you are feeling a a lot better.
They say that the gym gives you a boost of serotonin, a chemical in the brain that gives you a 'happy feeling'. So good for you for going. :)
Oh Paula, I understand why you are scared, it's an enormous thing you are facing now. He may give you his "reasons" but they may not seem valid to you so don't expect that you will neccessarily feel any further forward. Also be prepared for your reaction to seeing him again. This could be anger, distress or even (dare I say it....) feeling a bit sorry for him, despite all the trouble he has caused you. Try to rise above those feelings, whatever they turn out to be; it would be very easy to be drawn in to the same "pattern" that you were in whilst still together and this can only make things more difficult for you.
Sending you Samson-strength!!!