What does everyone do with their free time while the kids are visiting their absent parent?
My girls went from Friday teatime until Sunday teatime this weekend. Mixed feelings really. On one hand it was great having some space, no nagging, no having to nag, no fights, no bath and bedtime battles, no big meals to prepare etc. Then I felt guilty for not missing them enough. Come Sunday afternoon, I got bored and started to feel a bit of cabin fever.
Next weekend I'm invited to a Body Shop party and an Anne Summers party, so I'll be kept busy. I can see though that I'm going to have to do something about weekends in the future or I'll go mad. (I'm starting to feel bad about X being on his own all week).
Hi Lucyjad
I am not surprised you need to go out! You have three boys under the age of 6, that must be hard work! Do your boys have friends they can go to? Separately or together? Is there anyone that could babysit for a few hours after you have put them to bed? Often women in their senior years like to do a bit of babysitting, ask around, it is so important for you to get out once in a while.
Hi sheffmummy
Welcome to One Space! wiseowl is right about finding your local playgroup, or if your child is older and in school, you could get involved with her school, they are always in need of parents volunteering their time, whether it be for helping in the classroom or organising the school fair, it is a good way to feel a part of something and a great way to meet local parents!
Another way to meet people is to visit the Netmums site and have a look at their local board, there are always mums looking for new friends and things to do at the weekend. If you register you can find out about all the things local to you.
Good luck and stay in touch, glad you have found us. Does anyone else have any ideas??
Hi sadietwins, thanks for letting us in on your world! Free time is so important for us to recuperate, but if we are unable to hand the children over to someone we trust then we need to create that time at home. Excellent idea, going to the bedroom for cuppa and book. :D
Hi all
I have just been having a look at Netmums, if you register with them you can find all sorts of things going on in your area, mums post messages wanting to meet up with other mums, to do activities together. Have a look http://www.netmums.com.
Don't forget to come back and tell us if you found it good. :)
Hi Ray
Sorry to hear that you are feeling a little lonely. I think a lot of single parents look forward to the time when their offspring grow up and flee the nest so we have some time to ourselves, but it sounds that you are really feeling it at the moment.
It is difficult after devoting so much of our time to our family to start again as a single person. Are there any clubs/hobbies that you could join that interest you? Whether it be amateur dramatics, or volunteering somewhere? Football, rugby or rambling association? There is a lot of things to do out there, sometimes we might not feel like we want to go at first, but we have to take a leap of faith. You will meet new people, make new friends and hopefully find something interesting to occupy this next phase of your life.
Look after yourself especially at this time of year, do things that you want to do, spoil yourself, try something new. Another part of your life is just beginning, so try and grab it with full gusto.
There are many of us out here feeling exactly as you do, we are here for you, you are not alone.
Hi all
The last thing I want to do is to lose you to another site, but if you go to http://www.netmums.com they have a great meet-a-mum section where you can leave a message for mums in your area. Have a look I think it is an excellent resource. The one problem might be that they are not single mums, but they may well be isolated in their own marriage, which can often help us lot realise how lucky we really are, with all this independence and choices!!
If you do go and have a look, please come back and tell us how it was!! ;)
Hi Lou
If you need to sleep when your son is with his father, then sleep. It is time out for you, not time to catch up with stuff. If you want to catch up after a lie-in, then do it. Just because your son isn't there, it doesn't mean dedicated housework time. It is hard to get used to I know. My ex doesn't have my children over night now, and although my children are happier and more settled, I'm very aware that I've not had a break 19 months now (and 16 days, but I'm not counting!!). I'm old though - 46...
Also, you have no reason to be grateful as his dad is having him. It's really good that there is a good relationship there. I appreciate what you mean when they're having a good time too! So much to do with all the juggling. Somethings can be put aside though, to give you a chance for some fun stuff too - picnic's always seem to go down well, and it's only a couple of hours out the day.
This evening I had song lyrics up on the computer screen while playing a cd, and my 10 year old and I had a karioke (how the heck do you spell that??). My other children shut the kitchen door to drown my singing out (youngest has a lovely voice) Bit of madness. Do random dancing around the kitchen too. My youngest told me I'm a fun mummy and he doesn't want me to stop! :D I was surprised!
Don't for a minute think you sound selfish. You're not! I understand where you're coming from wanting some time-out with friends. I think a lot of people can't afford to go out on a Saturday now though. Any chance of a night out with colleagues?
I have a suspicion that, listening to my friends who are a couple, Saturday nights aren't alwasy cosy.
What about alternating weekends with his Dad. Or maybe him have your son on a Friday? Would that help?
All I can do is send a load of hugs your way. I understand where you're coming from.
Hello Lou
I always think it is hard for the parent who has the majority day-to-day care, the chores, the laundry, the fatigue......and along comes the other parent with their "holiday" head on and your child has a whale of a time with them. Thank heavens he DOES have a fund time with dad, that is wonderful for him, though.
There are no "shoulds" about your me-time, just do what you want. No need to feel guilty about sleeping -and the housework can wait! As long as you both have food to eat and clean clothes to wear then that's all that matters. If you do crave company then why not have a girls' night in at your house, buffet, bring a bottle, fun activities such as dance-mat or charades or why not have a Murder Mystery evening? I would like to bet that your partnered girlriends would be only too pleased to get a break from the home routine ;)
Take care of you; you're very important!
Louise :)
Hi Lou
I just want to re-iterate what everyone else has said, don't spend your Saturday evenings think "I should" spend it thinking "I could" It puts everything into a different perspective.
Sleep if you want, buy yourself some delicious micrwave (!) food from M&S, have candlelit bath, then watch a film in your pj's, scoffing all those little naughties you don't usually allow yourself. Its not the height of excitement I know, but it is about looking after yourself.
I 100% agree with sparklinglime, it was my initial reaction when reading your post, don't you dare feel grateful...for your ex having his son. It's great to have a break, sure, but I bet you would feel more grateful if he paid for you to have a cook, cleaner and nanny!!
I think it is an excellent idea to invite some of your coupled up female friends, to yours for shared supper, or just booze and gossip as I think couple do actually get really bored doing nothing on a Saturday night.
One point I want to make though is try as best you can to make the most of it now, because your ex may well get a new partner soon and he might decide that his Saturday nights are better spent wooing her!
Let us know how you get on and leave some tips for others, if you find anything that saves you from loneliness. :)
I have to say I did enjoy the odd quiet evening when the children did stay at their dad's. I used to meet up with my best friend in Chester - half way for both of us - but she died. It will be two years this month...
So, in a way, ex not having the children means I can't have a day out, so - something that has just occured to me - it's probably helped.
I love the music channels - the main reason I got Sky! (basic package!). The children all love music too, even my son with special needs, and we do silly singing and random dancing, and probably really enjoy embarassing each other!
It's so funny going through life without a best friend, I have to say. I do have some brilliant friends - but she did know me inside out!
It's good you go and stay with your friend and have good evening. I have a friend who pops round with a bottle every now and then, and we do have a laugh.
Always seem to have music on here! Love the holidays we were having a Take That morning this morning (had the CD for mother's day)! All essay avoidance!
The children had said he'd been on one of the music channels - said he was really good!
Hi
It is hard when you can't get out. I notice how much easier it is with my lot getting older. My youngest is 10 now, he had only just turned 5 when I left.
I can't tell you how quickly those years have gone by!
My company is the computer. I still find it strange not having a "best friend". We'd talk for hours on the phone! I miss her.
My children go to bed so much later now, and I feel I just need a bit of quiet time, and so come online! Often just to do a jigsaw.
I'm an 'older' mother. I was 29 when I had my first child, and I'm 46 now. That's made a difference, as some of the girls I was in school with are grandparents!
A thought - I think once the children start to go to Nursery, you do start to meet other mums. I have made a couple of good friends that way, although one will be moving to West Wales as soon as they sell their house. That will be another loss, as my son and her son are in the same year at school. As nursery was only for a couple of hours we used to go to the local garden centre for a coffee. A good place to start and short enough if you don't get on it's not too difficult, and you don't have to do it again.
Hi heatherwin
I can empathise with your situation entirely as I was very isolated when my daughter was smaller.
sparklinglime is right your world will open up once your little one starts nursery/school as you will meet other mums. I also wanted to add that in hindsight I spent too much time on my own, dwelling on my situation, my confidence was knocked because I was now a :o Single Parent :o !!
Forget the single parent thing when you are out and about, there are many married/cohabiting mothers who feel exactly as you do, just remind yourself that you are free to do whatever you want, without the constraints of compromise or boundaries of a partner. Hooray!!
Have you tried meet-a-mum on Netmums? Did you get any response?
The dog-walking thing is a great idea Roxy and I must admit I hadnt thought of walking someone else's dog.....could mean some of the fun without all the responsibility 8-)
Talking of older people just got me thinking. When my youngest was born, i really felt the lack of a grandma figure as my Mum lives 70 miles away. So an older lady who lived round the corner sort of "adopted" us. I took her shopping once a week and in return she would be an extra grandma to my boy, pushing him round the block so I could get a break, taking an interest in his progress etc.
I watched "The Secret Millionaire" last night. It was set in Dundee and looking at a Community Centre where lunches and music were provided for the elderly in the area and also a Young Mums club. Some of the millionaire's money went towards a plan to match up these two groups of people. How fab! :P
Louise
Dog walking does sound cool, great exercise too!
I recorded the Secret Milllionaire and have yet to watch it Louise, so I shall look forward to that when I get a moment. When I was a younger mother going through hard times, there was a charity called Mothers for Mothers? I never contacted them, but I have always thought what a great idea, a bit like your Granny situation, as I am sure there are loads of older women out there who would love to feel a part of a family again AND have some really useful experiences to share.
Hi Bec
My youngest was 5 and my eldest was 12 when I left my ex. I've no family near by, my parents have died and my brother and sister (who are a fair bit older than me) both live away. Lost every thing because of ex's debts - nice house, nice car...
My social life has become the internet! The ex sees as little of the children as possible, and as you're finding, budgeting is not easy. I have to say that I don't ever see things getting better financially - the children will need so much!
I've been on my own for 5 years. I think it was possibly three years before I started to start to feel better. I've been doing OU courses - which I feel have made me start to read 'grown-up' books again. As a lone parent, and because of my circumstances, I've had the courses paid for. I've become involved with Scouts now, and have made some new friends there. All my lot are involved with scouting. At the moment I think its taken over - and I'm glad it has. I try not to look too far ahead though - too hard.
Have you spoken to your GP about how you're feeling. Maybe things are catching up with your and you could be depressed. S/he may have some ideas on how to help.
I'm sure you'll find some really good support here.
Best wishes
Hello Bec
Wise words from sparkling lime there and I hope you will be able to take on board some of her suggestions ;)
I had two boys of 8 and 3 when I first became a single parent. It wasn't easy. One thing that helped was the local "button" scheme. This does not have to be with other single parents, just with other parents. You can meet them at playgroup, or at the park or through organisations like The National Childbirth Trust (http://www.nctpregnancyandbabycare.com/in-your-area) or netmums (http://www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/). Don't be shy of making friends with people just because they have a partner, you will still have a lot in common. Re the button scheme, this is where a group of us got together and we all started off with 20 buttons, each worth half an hour. We would pay each other in buttons to babysit. I know you can't leave your little one to go and babysit in the evenings but you have another child to stay over, and give those parents a break too.
Also have a think if there are any older neighbours that might like to be an honorary granny. it might mean you going out and about to meet them (eg your local church) but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day and the thing about the Romans was that they had a plan of action and that's what you need here.
What about working or going to college? now is the time to think about anything you might want to start up in September. Once you work 16 hours you would receive Working Tax Credit and this would give you a bit more financial independence, with 80% of your childcare costs covered.
Having said all that, sparkling is right and if you are particularly low at the moment then do see your GP....and remember we are always here to lend an ear and some support. Losing the life expectations you thought you had is very hard :( and you need to build up your resilience to deal with your new life
Take care
Louise :)
Hi Bec
I remember being in the same place as you are now, I rang a lot of local organisations looking for support and eventually ended up volunteering with one of them! I only doing admin and stuff, but it was such a great time for me, because it meant I was relied on by others, I only had to commit to a couple of mornings a week and the most surprising thing for me was that professionals in that organisation spoke to me like a normal human being, not a lowly, depressed, single parent who had failed in life. I now work for this organisation and my life has changed in leaps and bounds. :D
Just wanted to add that I didn't really want to volunteer because I didn't want to work for nothing, when I felt that I did that anyway and I also felt exhausted all the time, but you get expenses and I found that I had a new lease of life in me.
Have a look on our Advice Finder to see what organisations there are in your area and see if they are looking for any volunteers http://advicefinder.onespace.org.uk/
I am wondering if your son is in nursery at all at the moment? There is also meet-a-mum, where you can find mums in your area and they also have a telephone line on weekday evenings 7pm-10pm.
http://www.mama.co.uk/default.asp?nc=2448&id=25
If you feel you don't want to talk to your doctor about it, speak to your Health Visitor as they often know other mums feeling the same way as you.
Keep coming online, this time WILL pass. :)
you have some brilliant plans in place Bec. Teaching will be brilliant! Good luck with the course.
Best wishes
Hey bec, the more the merrier, but don't use us as a distraction and not getting your work done ;)
We have a few people on the boards, who are at college, Uni etc and it has been said before how the others in the class are younger, or responsibility-less and that must make it all the harder soI say hats off to all of you! :)
Good plan though, doing teaching, works well with holidays. Is that why you chose to do teaching or are you fulfilling a dream?
Hello meandthe boy
it's hard joining new groups isn' it? :shock: Whatever your age and status there are always people who have been there longer than you. I remember having to make a SUPREME effort when I had my eldest as a toddler and we moved to a new town. I tried to think of him as a "passport" to a set of new people :lol: I don't know if I have mentioned netmums to you, but here is their website and you can see what's going on in your area. I always use to hate it that everything stopped for 6 weeks in the summer (imagining everyone else on a month-long trip to Barbados :( ) . http://www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/
Hi me and the boy
If you do find a local single parent group, please let us know on the 'Local Info' board, we really want to spread the word, you never know, there might be someone out there in your area, looking for the same thing.
I was quite a young mum and I used to feel really grim at those parent and toddler groups, I was unmarried, I had been in an abusive relationship and I lived in council property, but looking back I realise I was projecting all that stuff out to others, even if all the above was the same, but I had felt positive and happy, I would have been received differently, I am so sure.
It is so true what Louise says, having a child in tow makes it so much easier to meet people there are so many activities around for them and we get to go too. Imagine if we were single with no children, how would we meet people then? :?
Oh god, don't you dare feel guilty for him, you haven't explained your circumstances thoroughly but on a previous message you said you attended the Freedom Programme, so i take from that that life had been hard and you had reason to leave him....
As for the free time, i know what you mean, it can be difficult at first, but you soon long for it by mid week! My daughter sometimes is away for a week and i very rarely miss her at all, i love her dearly, but god its good to have some space, then i find i can't wait to see her again, but by the following evening we are back into our usual lull of nagging and frustrations!!
Enjoy next weekend, sounds like fun!