Please complete: Why are you a single parent?
I thought it would be interesting to see why we have separated from our partners and are now single parents?
We would then be able to see what the most common reason for parenting alone is and if it truly is (as the media often leads us to believe) because we are all young and promiscuous had children to get a council flat!!
Unfortunately when we moved sites, we lost this visual poll, thought I would leave the topic in though!
We will produce a similar poll shortly for the homepage, as the results are very interesting!
We would then be able to see what the most common reason for parenting alone is and if it truly is (as the media often leads us to believe) because we are all young and promiscuous had children to get a council flat!!
I wish I was still young and promiscuous : )
what do you mean "still"????? :lol:
I've put grown apart. Probably the most relevant, as I think other issues followed from that. I wanted to be married - he wanted to be able to tell people he was married (and later married with children) without actually "playing" the part, if that makes sense.
I still say he was "the" one when we did get together though. Such a Git now though... :D
Now I'm a single parent because I want to be.
I never give simple replies, do I? 8-)
Hi guys
Sorry bubblegum, when I set this up I had the choice whether to let people give more than one option, but felt that we wouldn't get a realistic figure. So I am controlling the situation!
Sparklinglime, you don't give simple replies because you are not simple!!
If you have any other ideas that we could poll our users on then let me know! :)
Hi Jenna Charlie
The other post you wrote, I have put it in the Parenting Support section and sent you a long reply, hopefully others will chip in as well.
I know, there are always many sides to the same story, aren't there, and people can be too quick to judge, Your life has taken a huge upheaval and it is important to try and see the positives of that, which I hope we can help you with.
Take care
Hi JennaCharlie, I have yet to see your other post, but I am pleased to meet you and don't worry, we are not judgemental here and we ALL understand what you are feeling at the moment, lonely, betrayed and hurt.
We are here for you, so look forward to talking to you some more. :)
To all our users,
Due to public demand, I have changed the poll to allow everyone to pick more than one option for the above poll!
You can also add your second choice now bubblegum!
I've added abusive - even though I couldn't see ti at the time, so you can knock that off if that doesn't count!
I've added unfaithful, even though he claimed never to have slept with these "friends" he was far too emotionally involved to bother with the children and me...
Nothing compared with what so many of you have experienced, I know.
scared in my own home of being attacked
Jenna charlie, that is such a horrible feeling, I too went through a couple of years, feeling very afraid at night time. I used to barricade the door with a bookcase and a chair wedged against the stairs, it was impenetrable, but the feeling still took a while to go away.
Are there any ways that you can feel safer? Ie window locks, chubb lock on front door?
You do indeed, skippy, not least always being made out to be in the wrong, I guess it was the only way he felt he could justify his abusive behaviour to you.
Have you had any specialised support from anyone such as Women's Aid? I know they are particulaerly supportive of rape victims within a relationship. http://www.womensaid.org.uk/ Also I wonder if you feel some counselling would help you? Your GP may be able to help there.
How dreadful that he has tried to tell your son that it is all your fault. Do you have contact with your son? If not, or if it is sproadic then there is another organsation that can help you. Go to http://www.matchmothers.org/
Please do keep posting on these boards as there is lots of friendly aupport here
best wishes
Skippy have you actually talked to your boys about their hostility or have been trying to keep the peace? If the latter then it might be worth saying to them "I know your dad might have said some things about me and it is certainly true that he and I do not want to be together but I will always love you, no matter what anyone else tells you, you have to believe me" Then they might say something like "well, why did you leave then?" and it wil give you a chance to explain. Try not to criticise the other parent too much, however difficult that is and try not to get upset in front of them. Teen boys don't deal with tears well! In between visits, keep the contact going, whether through text or MSN or Facebook (whatever they like) and say how much you are looking forward to seeing them. It might be a case of waiting for things to settle down (very upsetting) but do get support from that MATCH website I gave you the link for earlier.
Hi Skippy
Sending hugs and strength. I hope that your sons can get over their anger.
Hi skippy and welcome from me!
I can't begin to imagine having two older sons who blame me for the break up of the relationship, when their father is being abusive. It must be so painful for you, thank you for sharing. Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? It is an excellent programme that can really sort through some of the difficult emotions that you are probably feeling at the moment. Visit http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/freedomprogramme/venues.cfm to find a course near you, you will find expert advice and support from other survivors.
Have you contacted Womens Aid as Louise suggested? Here is their website http://www.womensaid.org.uk/
I think Louise made a great suggestion of trying to have one2one contact with each of your sons, it gives them a chance to be honest with you and breaks down their defences. If they can see that their dad is now happy, try let them know that your partner makes you happy and why, however I would suggest that actually what they really want at this age is to talk about themselves, so try and keep it brief!
Hello vickstick
That's great that you are happy on your own and have made a good recovery from what must have been an awful shock. Thank you for posting about that as other people on the board (who have separated more recently) can be heartened by how you have moved your life forward. Do please keep posting and join in the threads :)
Hi vickstick34, it is so heartwarming to hear that you and your ex have learned to get along for the sake of your boy, I look forward to hearing how you managed it! I am presuming that he was a good chap to start with, but it is great that you are enjoying life and don't resent the break.
Oh no Skippy. I'm so sorry. That is so sad.
Skippy I really feel for you, what a shame when the other parent's personal feelings cloud what should be a time of celebrations.....You are among friends here.
Hi Skippy, that must have been really difficult for you.
What about creating your own celebrations for him this coming weekend or one in the near future?
Whether it just be a meal out, or home cooked, or a day trip to a local tourist attraction, you need to celebrate it too, you did give birth to him after all! :)
This is always a hard one for separated parents, like Christmas time, but it doesn't mean that it has to pass un-noticed by you, it just means the celebration has to be on a different day and in a different way.
Good Luck, please do something special with him, for your sake.
:? It certainly wasn't my choice: I was apparently perfectly happy, though I did strangely enough have a premonition that I was losing my husband, without consciously knowing why.
It turned out that he was having a fling with our german au pair, and then decided he would like the three of us to live together... Sorry - despite my interest in cultures where polygamy is acceptable, I could not share my husband with someone I wasn't getting on with anyway!!
So now I work part-time so that I can be here for my children (we had three, the youngest only 2 and a half years old when he went). I unfortunately made another mistake and got into a peculiar relationship with a single man who wanted children - we have never married or even lived together, but have 2 boys. So I am still working part-time, will never pay off my mortgage, and rely on benefits to keep our heads above water... The children from my marriage hate the father of their little brothers - life never ceases to be a challenge!
Hi cupricorchid
Very nice to see you again! Its been a long time.
It sounds as though you are feeling a little under the pressure at the moment.
working part-time, will never pay off my mortgage, and rely on benefits to keep our heads above water... The children from my marriage hate the father of their little brothers
I think there are going to be very few parents on here who DON'T have money worries, so don't beat yourself up about it, accept it and move on! Until all your children have grown up and you win the lottery, life is unlikely to change. This is fine, as long as you keep your heads above the water! You are doing a grand job. I am sure raising 5 children has not been a breeze!
Your older children are still not happy with your current partner. Why do you think that is? Are they jealous of him? Is he indifferent to them? do they think he treats you unfairly?
Has he moved in? From you last post, a year ago, it sounded as if it might be imminent, although you did sound as if you were 100% sure it was what you wanted.
Keep in touch and let us know how you are....and thanks for completing the poll.
Hi purplepeg
I think it's understandable that you felt like a drink and a hug last night! How brave of you to stand back and look at your situation and see your own part in it. Not many people can do that, not many at all, believe me :roll: But don't feel down about it, you live and learn and future relationships will be all the better for your strength, and you say yourself that the kids are Ok!
Hi purplepeg, of course it is normal to want a glass and a hug, might disagree if it was a pint glass of spirits and a hug from a serial killer!!
I agree with Louise that it is great for you to be able to reflect on your relationship and see what you would have done differently, you never know, maybe this means your next relationship will be full of shared interests and you will be madly in love with him!!
The children would enjoy that too, don't you think!? :)
Never say "never", purplepeg ;)
:lol: :lol:
As I say and have learnt from experience.....You NEVER know what is around the corner. But as we have discussed before, it is always good to take time out from relationships once in a while, to get to know you again, find out what makes YOU happy as an individual. It can be fun and interesting and a new part of our life journey.
It must have been such a shock when he left as it sounds as if life was going along quite smoothly.
he was right and I can see the kids and I will be happier, I am starting to see some of the effects already.
Can you share some of the effects you have seen already?
You take care too peg.
Purplepeg of course you are not to blame about what happened! What I was saying was that I was absolutely amazed that you had been so mature to have already thought about what the consequences of the relationship have been and how you could learn, so that future relationships were better FOR YOU, ie you would find happiness with somoene wonderful that deserves you! I am sorry if you felt in any way to blame, it is natural for us when relationships break down that we question ourselves. You take good care of you and your lovely children, it is hard that they misss their dad and you are doing a great job :D
Oh my gosh!
My heart breaks for you there, as I know how much hard work goes into being an accountant.
Ah yes, that 'inner voice'...
Keep posting, we can have some good banters going here.
This sounds like a plug - but isn't, honest...
The thing that I think saved my son was Scouts. The leader there was brilliant with him (and my daughter and now 13 year old). He was consistent and gave strong boundaries that my son needed. He was 12 when he joined as a Scout - Cubs had never even occured to me.
The two leaders retired last year, which is a huge loss to our group. They're good friends still though, so are still in my son's life (who is not far off turning 18). While this chap was not a father figure, he was a consistent male role-model.
I'm not sure what would have become of my eldest if he hadn't had those boundaries and that influence in place.
It's just a thought - and needn't be Scouts, could be any activity...
Hi mummymichy
Welcome to One Space, that sounds absolutely devastating for you and is hard to move on from, no matter what. How deadful for you to implicated in the court case when you had no knowledge of this at all! Did you get any support at the time? If not (and even if you did) I am wondering if counselling would hlep you to quell that"inner voice"? What do you think?
Boys in particular seem to enjoy having a dad figure in their lives. I am not being sexist but children learn about how to take their place in our society from the adults that surround them, and small children of both sexes are often surrounded almost exclusively by females. So sparkling's idea re Scouts or another activity is a brilliant one. or youi may have members of the extended family or friends who can take on this role.
It sounds to me that you're doing all you can, and doing it so well.
We've got women running the Beavers and the Cubs in our group.
My youngest plays football. Sulks as he plays defender when he wants to play attack - I tell him he does what the coach says.
Now you've had a diagnosis will you be able to have any help should you find you need it?
We have a Teddy Bear's picnic tomorrow with the scout group - we've run all summer.
I wanted to pick two : )
and