Please complete: Why are you a single parent?

I hear your pain when you say that you went along with everything that your ex wanted to do, his different fads etc and I too would have believed that that is the way to be in a relationship, a good loving wifey etc, I think that I said that I thought it was good you recognising your part in it all.

Don't you think that women have had it drummed into them (or maybe it is in our nature, i am still unsure of this!) to always put others first, our needs come last. Maybe because we know that if the members of our family are happy, we can then get on and be happy too.

But since the breakdown of my relationship and watching friends marriages fail, I realise that if I was only a little bit more selfish, a little bit more blunt and even a bit demanding, then I would actually have partners that would have to consider me more rather than believing (as I led them to) that they and their needs were the most important thing in this world!

Please enjoy this 'YOU' time to find out lots about yourself, it can be exciting, refreshing and very empowering. :)

Hi Anna, hope you enjoyed your holiday and the weather was kind!

I think you are right about the putting others first being wrong in many ways, I am enjoying putting me first and a happier me means happier kids. I read somewhere that the wife/family/house thing was like a triangle with the wife at the very tip. If the wife was at the top (ie she put herself first) then everything else was spread out secure below and the triangle was stable. If the wife was at the bottom (ie last) then everything else was balanced on top at the triangle was likely to topple. Makes sense :D

I had a conversation with him for almost an hour the other day - he never once asked what the kids had been up too, how they had been etc, it was all about him and what he had been doing. I volunteered information, but otherwise he would never have asked. Only twice in 5 weeks has he asked how I am! As you say he is the most important thing in his world - but not mine. After he went and I thought it all through, I felt a knot release ;) I have been a lot brighter ever since!

Thanks for your kind thoughts
peg

Awwww purplepeg, I hope he really enjoys it! I'm so glad his friend is going to.

Sending loads of luck your way - I'm sure the troop will be thrilled to see them!

Anna - love the family quilt - what a wonderful idea! its beautiful. no uniform yet, will see how first 2 weeks go! Ex came to tea tonight - the conversation was mainly about him again, although he did ask kids how school was! Other than that he yawned a lot - how rude is that - asked him if we bored him!! That comment just took us back to the very long week he had had.

I am starting to feel better everytime I see him - not sure it is supposed to be that way, but it works for me! yawning indeed!

take care
peg

hey mousie - Before I see him I still get the stomach flips and the doing something 3 times cos i'm distracted :) Then I see him, he looks terrible (lost loads of weight and looks lot older!) and he only talks about himself, never asks about us and it makes me think we are better off without him. Especially when he gets stressed out over the silly little things the kids do. It only seems to last a few days at the moment - then I start thinking that I miss him and what if.... As someone elsse mentioned 'those terrible inner voices'.

So for now it works for me seeing him at least once a week if poss. Thats good for the kids and works for me and who cares about him! today I could not wait for him to leave - I was bored :) Even the kids said goodbye and ran off to watch tv - leaving him just standing there - made me smile!

how do you feel after you see him - if you feel good about the whole thing then try seeing him more often.....

peg

oh mousie - big hugs....

it does get better, up and down days - both are allowed. lots of things i am fine with. telling people when back at school yesterday went both ways. listening to our first dance song - well that ones gonna take a long while to be fine with, but I am starting to really believe I deserve more. My kids definatly deserve a whole lot more than he is giving at the moment, but hey.

Please see how great you are, how AMAZING you are!

Always here for you
peg

Hugs for you both.

I'm lucky, I guess, as I didn't have to go through that. I just feel sick if I think he's been upset by something and might knock on the door! I know I'd still cry and stammer.

I'd never think that.

I know I'd never even choose my ex to be a friend now. It's sad, isn't it?

Sun is struggling here, but at least it's not bucketing down with rain :D

Have a lovely weekend peg.

xx

Also on a positive note - if my husband hadn't left me then I wouldn't have met all you lovely guys :!:

Brilliant post chihuahua.

Hi chihuahua
Welcome. A huge pat on the back for you. Your post has shown me that my son doesn't need his father in his life, (would have been nice, but not to be). I am also my son's mum and dad. You have done wonders with your daughter by the sound of it. Well done.
Take care
Alison
x :)

[

Hi everyone, I hope you like life stories lol read on

I became a single parent when I realised that my ex had cheated, ok don't twist my arm I will spill the beans lol.I met my ex when we were both 16 and working in a care home for the elderly, we were together for 12 years. By the end o that 12 years he had got his mechanics qualifications and opened his own garage at the same time I was doing a full time college course, taking driving lessons on a sunday and the shopping on the weekend too as well as all the usual stuff. I would be up until about 1am doing coursework, he was at work until about 10pm each night. He used to go out to see his mates on saturday nights whereas I would crawl into bed at about 10pm on saturdays and I would be asleep when he got home so I did not really know when he would get in, one sun morn at 5.20am I awoke and he was not there so I called his mob phone he said he was at his frends house! and that his friends were all single and he wanted to be too. I was already suffering depression by this point but did not know it. So in the feb 07 I finally asked him to leave. A few months after this my depression got so bad I attempted suicide and then again the following year, I was in and out of hospital and I had a nervous break down, the psycologist told me I was doing too much and the stress was what caused the breakdown. My sister looked after my kids for a couple of weeks at a time to give them and me a rest. my anti depressants were changed and I started to get better.

Since October 08 the medication has done the trick and I am feeing almost back to my old self again and in may this year I passed my driving test and my dad gave me a car and paid half the insurance for this year for me which was great timing as I have just been diagnosed with a condition called fibromyalgia, it causes widespread muscle pain and extremem fatigue, so even a simple shopping trip is completely exhausting for me, but I am a lot happier now without the stress of a man around.

well thats it for now, like I said at the start I hope you like life stories lol xx furry xx

Hi Furrytomato
Thanks for your post and your story. I am quite new to the boards and I find it really helps me to build up a mental picture of everyone through reading people's stories like this and I am able to really remember each individaul a lot better that way so thank you for that.
It is really good that you are feeling better now in terms of your depression and that the medication is working well. Well done for the driving test and I hope you are learning to slow down a bit? I have come to realise how good our bodies are at knowing what we need and often becomming ill in one way or another is the only way the body has to let us know that we need to stop or slow down drastically.
How are you felling today? How did you come across this site? I hope you find it useful and I look forward to meeting you and chatting again.
Cheers C-L

Hi Furrytomato
Thanks for the post and all the info. it must be very difficult with your energy rates going up and down like that - not really able to plan too much in advance as you never know quite how you will be feeling. Yes learning to pace yourself is a reall important thing for us all to do. I am forever saying 'yes' to yet another thing and then wearing myself down until I get ill and have to stop. Have you ever come across yoga nidra? It is a guided relaxation and healing technique whic you can do lying down and is great to do just before going to bed but can be done anytime really?
here is a link if you want to try it.
http://www.contemplatethis.org/category/yoganidra/yoga-nidra-podcasts/
It might take awhile to get used to their voice but once you do, then it can be a very good practice, both in terms of learning to relax but also in terms of self healing. Good luck with it.
It would also be worth contacting the DLA again to let them know about your condition as that should make a difference to the level.
You mentioned bullying as how you came across the site and I wanted to let you know that it is anti bullying week from the 16th-20th Nov. Remind me, has this been an issue for you?
I know it has been a recent issue for others so you might like to check out that topic.
Cheers C-L

Hi Louise and Claire-Louise, thanks again for the replies. How are you today?

I have looked at the links you both put up and find them a great help, thank you.

I have been reading some of the stories on here and thinking how can so many people be so hurt? what has happened to the human nature that we can all hurt each other so much but more importantly why do the children have to suffer too, do the things children have to see or put up with make them stronger in the long term or will it have an adverse reaction on them?

Enough of my rambling lol

furry xx

I put other as I went out to toddler group one morning came back and found him gone, no warning, no note nothing.

erm in answer to your other questions Anna, I don't really go to many groups at all, just one in town aimed at young parents (although the age limit is meant to be 19 so im 7 years over that lol). I'm looking at maybe going to some other groups if I can find the confidence to try and talk to people. I do find most mums are wary of single dads, but some aren't. I went to this group last year and it was a lot of different people there then, but eventually got talking to about half of them. This year its a whole different situation, only 2-3 people there I know and I find it hard getting talkin to the other parents there as there are only 2 dads who go there, me and another guy who is doing it alone too. i find the age difference the biggest problem really as i feel like they all look at me as some kinda loser, probably not the case at all but thats my low self esteem for ya.

I have been told there are groups for dads in this area, but I would probably find that harder to deal with than being around mums due to my upbringing and the negative relationships I had with guys and as a result of some things that happened to me. I do find there is a lot more help out there for single mums than there is for single dads though.

Anna, I know what you mean. There are times I feel incredibly lucky. But then there are other times I feel very unlucky, its usually when im feeling really low I feel unlucky and wonder why I had to be left on my own with 2 kids. I know it could have been a lot worse than it is now, if things in my life had happened differently I might have had at least 5 kids now, so I'm grateful things didnt go that way although at the time it hurt me to have the choice taken away from me. Its hard enough with 2 so I dont think I could have coped on my own with any more :shock:

I do hope that my experiences might one day help someone else going through the same thing. Personally I dont think at the time of going through various things I coped very well, in the past, mainly as a teenager I turned to drink and drugs at times to get me through the tough times, was never and hard drugs but not proud of it all the same. Just glad i stopped all that years ago now.

In the past i also attempted suicide, failed at my attempt for which I am glad now, but as you can see I haven't always coped. I guess I have just muddled along as best I can and just got on with things. Right now the hardest thing is seeing the kids outfits that we had bought for the wedding next month, it hurts to think all the heart and devotion I put into the wedding plans, how excited I was to be marrying her and now the harsh reality is she never really had any intention of marrying me, instead she is apparently trying for more kids with a new guy she's been with less than 2 weeks and planning to marry him next year. But hey, I'll get through it somehow

hi alisoncam,

Yeah I know what you mean. I turned my life around because I didn't want to go down the road that would lead me to a life of crime and other, worse things.

I'm proud I turned my life around, but just wish that along the way I hadn't ended up so alone. It's ironic that when I didnt care about my life or what I did I had more friends than I could count, but when I had enough of that life and wanted to settle down I soon realised they weren't true friends as they all left me to it. I turned my life around because I wanted to be a dad, I've got my wish, now i just have to make my life better for me and my kids.