Hi Harrissa
Like Sparkling, I don't really know what to say either. I can't even imagine what you are going through. However, if you yourself get Social Services involved, and explain that you need help, then they won't necessarily take your son into care. They want to keep families together, not seperate them. A friend of mine is involved with social services, (not through her choice though, ex has raked it up). She was appointed a 'guardian', who regularly calls and helps the family as much as she can. Maybe this is something for you.
Living on the sort of estate as you do cannot be easy, and if your son has witnessed these awful things, although it is not an excuse of course, it can't have helped matters, plus of course all the other stuff at school.
As Sparkling has said, when and if the police call, they will be able to tell you more as to what will happen with regards the court etc.
You should be entitled to legal aid, ring around the solicitors, and see which ones offer, (I do know, not all can)
Sometimes, it doesn't matter how a parent brings the children up, you can only do your best.
Would your son apologise to the boy he attacked? That would be a good step, and also show the court, (if it gets there) that your son is full of remorse over his behaviour, provoked or not.
I wish you well, take care
Alison
x :)
Oh harissa what a terrible worry for you. Thank heavens the other boy wasnt too badly injured. You present a very clear and fair picture of what happened and all the factors that could be there. This does NOT make you a bad Mum.
Let me assure you that children are only taken away from parents VERY VERY rarely. I have been working with families for eight years now and I only ever saw it happen once and that was a case of neglect of a baby. What is far more likely is that you will finally get a a package of support (disgusting, eh, that you couldnt get it before?) Your son will maybe be referred to the local Youth Offending Team, who will offer support and counselling to him and to you.
Does the school have a "Pupil Support Officer"? Many do, and if they don't then there will be one attached to the Local Education Authority. This is someone else who can help.
The main message I want to give you is DON'T PANIC. Have a word with a solicitor if you think it would help, and check you will get Legal Aid for any advice (you should)
best wishes
Louise
Hi harissa, here is a link to The Advisory Centre for Education, they have a really useful website and gives a helpline number for advice, have a look:
http://www.ace-ed.org.uk/advice-about-education-for-parents/
Also have a look at this site, which also has a number, they can give you some support during these next few months:
http://www.youngminds.org.uk/
Also you could have a look at the Youth Justice Board website, where you can get more information about the Youth Justice system:
http://www.yjb.gov.uk/en-gb/yjs/TheSystem/
Good luck with it all and keep us in the loop. It is so important that you get support through all of this, so reach out all you can.
Hi harissa
I am so glad that you've got a lot of support for yourself and your son. At least you have people to give advice, and help you.
I don't know what to suggest about your son, and the idea that he may have been abused. It is terrible. My son was abused when he was four. Through my GP's advice, I didn't put him through police interviews etc. My GP told me that I had handled things brilliantly with my son, but because he is a bright boy, one day it might come out in him through anger.
It's awful that you are going through this. Your neighbours are definately warped.
Best of luck, and hugs for you
Take care
Alison
x :)
I've been on the phone most of the day and have only just been able to check in. Thanks for all your kind thoughts and advice. A couple of my friends have been phoning for advice from police friends they have and solicitors they know so I now have several leads to pursue.
We still have not had a visit from the police yet but several of my son's friends parents have contacted me to volunteer character references for him. Quote "We only let our daughter play with your son because he is a nice boy, not like some of the others round here. He is always well behaved and polite and we like having him round." It made me feel a lot better as I realised that he is a popular boy and the fact that many other parents are prepared to speak out for him shows that he has earnt their trust. It goes some way to put him into a better context. Doesn't get him off the hook for assaulting that poor boy though!
One big bombshell, from which I am still reeling is the growing suspicion that he was actually sexually abused by the paedophile family next door (moved away in 2002 after their house burned down). He was just 4 at the time and in nursery and I was convinced that the obscene language and odd behaviour he had picked up (from the neighbours) was of real concern. I actually went to the nursery and told them I felt something was very wrong and they kept an eye on him but reported back he seemed OK. The violent rages were so random it was hard to get a handle on them - they would come out of the blue and were quite different from what I considered to be a normal temper tantrum. One woman, now a good friend, who knew my son's father but not me in those days, told me yesterday that she too thought that my son had been sexually abused and had told my son's father. This hadn't got back to me at the time but links in to the same time frame I was worried.
I'm in a quandary how to deal with this aspect as, round here, people believe that any child suspected of being abused will go on to become a Paedo. Also my son won't remember that far back though he still regales with morbid glee and disgust the tale of what he saw them do to the dog. Having seen all that stuff about false memory syndrome I am loathe to expose him to having his head messed with. However, there is that niggling fear that his violent rages and the extreme reaction to being called gay might have a sinister root.
I have to say that I am unimpressed with my local social services as they utterly failed to protect the children next door, in spite of reports from myself and some of the other neighbours. We witnessed months of those kids being beaten, thrown, screamed at, whipped and even found the 10 year old drunk and comatose in the road. He bore the brunt of it. None of us turned a blind eye and we all phoned for assistance frequently. The children remained with the mother and her collection of alcoholic violent men because, as you say, social services were keen not to break up the family unit.
Many of the good neighbours ended up selling up and moving away, which destabilised the community as they were the ones who would get involved, help people out and gently chide any kid misbehaving. One lady had lived here since 1974 when the house was built - which goes to show the events in 2002 affected many others lives apart from my family's. I'd even gone to my MP at the time to push for an enquiry into the many failures of the child protection service and local policing and how it had created despair and chaos. Nothing came of it apart from some bizarre phone calls from someone claiming to be "my social worker" (which I didn't have) who implied that my own children would be taken into care. That wasn't dealt with either. Basically, I do not trust the social services, having first hand experience of watching them botch peoples lives up before.
Hi harissa
My son is now 7. Not long after it happened, his personality did change. He was angry and one night blurted out that he hated me because I didn't do anything to stop ....... I was absolutely distraught, but cuddled, kissed, hugged him, and explained that I didn't know what was happening. We have numerous conversations now about keeping secrets, (although I had spoken to him before, endless times, about no one being allowed to touch private parts etc). As far as my son was aware, it was a doctors game. He is one of the lucky ones I think, as I was able to play it down a bit. I think he is going to be fine. At first, it was very difficult dealing with it, especially like you say, when you are totally on your own.
You have been through so much harissa, and you are a very strong person. Your family will deal with whatever happens, because, quite simply they have you. If you do find out that something happened to the children when they were younger, it is perfectly natural to feel guilty, but it happened to my son in my own home, right under my nose, and in my friends house. You can't hold onto the guilt, you weren't aware. I tortured myself with the guilt, but my GP made me aware that I had to let go of it, because the anger I was feeling about myself was slowly destroying me. I had to be strong and concentrate on my son, just like you have always done with your children.
Take lots of care
Alison
x :)
Hi harissa
I'm so glad people are contacting you and offering support.
I don't know what to say harissa. I'm sorry this has happened.
Have you got all the incidents documented?
I'm sure the police will be able to tell what the next course of action will be, and that will depend on a number of factors too.
It could be if Social Services to become involved then maybe your son will get help and counselling that he seems to desperately need.
As for the legal side of things, I'm sure that legal aid will apply.
This "gay" lark is doing the rounds here, and has meant that some of the lads in Scouts who were best of friends have fallen out big-time.
I think at the moment, until you know what the next step is going to be that there's little you can do.
I can well imagine the shock you're feeling here. As for your son, he's going to have to face the consequences of this. Sadly, you can't stop the tittle tattle that may well follow. Then again there may be no tittle tattle.
I'm sorry, but I don't know what to suggest.
I'm just sorry you're going through it.