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It is hard I am sure, I only have one child, so the only person she can bicker with is me!
You might be interested in this article on Sibling Rivalry, let me know what you think.
Thanks everyone for your comments.
Sally, I've asked whether something is bothering A at school but she says not. I think that she gets bored easily so I will try and keep her busy and see if that helps.
Louise I liked your suggestions of keeping A's emotive comments in conext by thinking of them as benign comments about the neighbour.
Anna thanks for the link, I read the article and thought it had some good ideas.
HM I am sorry your daughter said those things about you on facebook, I'm glad you haven't taken it to heart and can see all the good things you have done, well done for not responding too, its hard not to retaliate but its always the best option i feel.
Kiera, bickering in the house is such a drain and it breaks my heart too that my girls don't always get on. Letting them have a break from each other is good for everyone sometimes.
Well I had a 'chat' with A last night, she tried to bat me away with comments about how I always take H's side etc, but I perciveered (bad spellling!) I explored with her how constantly tormenting someone can make them feel and left it at that for now. I know I have a tendency to turn things into a lecture and didn't want to do that. Hopefully some of it will have sunk in.
Well PQ you did well to chat to A and I hope you are feeling more positive, it is all so draining, isn't it?
kiera the break will have done your eldest a lot of good.
Happy mamma, sorry to hear about what has happened.
Let's hope for a more peaceful day for everyone
Hey so much for peace in mine youngest daughter now started going off on one. Think I might have to start a thread of my own.
Hope your all ok - belated happy Valentines day x
HM
Oh dear HM, feel for you.
Feel free to share this thread x
Hi Pq, well done on having the chat. Like Anna, I only have one, so he only has me to argue with, but I do remember the constant bickerings when I was growing up. There was nine of us!! How my parents did it, I don't know.
Thanks PQ im full of man flu and soooooo tired i will try to catch up tomorrow off to bed the alcohol didnt kill the germs but still lost over 22lb at slimming world and daughter STILL going on but what a shock when im NOT babysitting tomorrow night. Would baby sit any time but not when you have publicly abused me to the point the guy im seeing owns own businesss but employee says wow been going off at your end his step daughter seen what she wrote on bloody FB (ashamed)
Night all xpoorly me 'sniff sniff'
Sorry you're not feeling well HM, bed is the best place to be.
Hazeleyes, one of nine? I was one of three, can't imagine what having 8 siblings must have been like!
Sorry you have been unwell happy mamma i hope your somewhat recovering from your flu?
Yeah that is a wow hazeleyes! i'm one of six and that was deemed as unusual in my area when i was growing up, i did learn alot about getting along with others from this though.
How are things in your household PQ?
Hi Sally, Its very much up and down here.
We had a day out at the seaside yesterday. We had a lovely day, the girls played really well together, we went on the fair and had so much fun. However when it was time to go and eat A wanted to go to this Indian restaurant but H didn't as she's not keen so that was it, they were digging at each other, being unpleasant and bickering so I had to sit through a meal with the pair of them going at each other. I felt so disappointed. When we got back neither of them said thankyou. I'm still really upset about it today. I know I should be the adult and rise above it all, but I do wonder why I bother.
They're going to my parents today, and I can't wait to get rid of them for a few days, that sounds horrible but I'm so fed up.
I absolutely sympathise with you, PQ, have been through the same with the boys, it IS a feeling of disappointment and yes, teens are never grateful...read my post in Chat today and you will know that I understand 
Deep breaths...enjoy the nice things you have planned over the next few days, you deserve it.
Hi PQ
Hope your enjoying the peace. My daughter has decided to give her head a wobble once i started to put my foot down and not baby sit at the drop of a hat and stopped the extras - she forgets she lives here rent free and is not behaving like that in my house. Dont think we will have a repeat of it.
Man flu took a hold good and proper by Saturday I could not get out of bed. Sunday I have to be up as was taken to The Killers concert so dosed up in flu plus and rather a lot of Alcohol and had a whale of a time. Back in work today, called home and kids moaning about each other so I hung up and turned my phone off. I will deal with it when I get home and do what i did last week - remove the internet box and the house phone 1st.
Won £40 on the lottery in work - we have started the irish lottery so for once im treating ME
Hope all are well
HM
Well done on the lottery win, nice to have a treat happy mamma. What a good idea to remove the Internet box heh heh, that works in my house too. Hope your illness is abating 
If I listen very carefully I can hear the sound of a whisp of tumbleweed in PQ's house while she enjoys a bit of peace......
He he, yes louise you're right, very peacefull.
Like the internet idea, I have used that once before but I am thinking of introducing it as a concequence for breaking house rules.
Unexpected windfalls are great HM, let us know what you treat yourself to. Hope you're begining to feel a bit better now.
I LOVE The Killers. Enjoy spending the money on you happy mama.
Colleague and I have started sneezing and spluttering this afternoon. No idea where this cold has come from...
Enjoy the evening pq.
Hi Pancakequeen.
Oh how I wish I had started this thread a year ago!!. I completely hear you when you say the bickering is driving you to the edge.
I have two beautiful daughter's aged 6 & 12. The eldest has a wealthy father, step-mum, two half-siblings and extended family oversea's who she saw 3/4 times a year plus sporadic phonecalls. My youngest a violent, criminal father she is not allowed to see and know's next to nothing about (Yes...I proper messed up!! ).
I have struggled alone for over 10 years and until 18mths ago had done quite well, keeping a decent roof over their heads, progressing in work and therefore financially (not mega bucks but enough to afford treats and days out). Due to job vulnerability I decided to embark on a full-time degree course (something I put on hold when I fell pregnant with my eldest) in the hope of gaining job security and ultimately security for my girls.
Juggling a demanding degree course and family life wasn't easy (even more so when my mother and only source of support was diagnosed with a terminal illness) but I managed to pass the first two years. I then broke two ankles, needing reconstructive metal work surgery, recovery was really slow and very painful. At the same time my mother was nearing the end of her life:(. Deciding I couldn't cope with all of this and complete a final year of a degree I suspended only to be told by the jobcentre I couldn't claim JSA unless I left my course completely!! (enter financial dire straights!!).
Sorry this is a bit of a ramble but there is a point!. Despite being in constant physical, emotional and financial pain it was my daughter's bickering that got to me more than anything. Zapping energy I just didn't have anymore, grating on broken nerves, requiring a referee I couldn't be, stealing the peace I needed to be able to think, regroup and re-build strength. I became someone I didn't recognise, short-tempered and critical. I implored with my eldest to stop bickering but she's 12!, I know I screamed at her at the worst that maybe she should live with her dad so that the arguing would stop (I didn't mean it).
Anyway in December my eldest daughter decided to go overseas to live with her dad and his family and I haven't seen her since.
Pancakequeen, you mentioned you had a nervous breakdown previously and feel scared you are heading towards another one. Please take care of yourself and seek support. Don't end up in the despair I am in now. You don't want to get rid of your children, you want peace and space to regenerate the strength to parent them as best you can. Hugs :)
Hello Poppy10 you have really been through the mill and I am so sorry to hear your story, it sounds as if the stress of everything happening at once was just a bridge too far. I do hope you have some contact with your eldest, and you can get some extra support with being separated from here from MATCH (click)
PQ I am glad we are here to support you, you are doing so well in parenting your girls and all the strategies you are putting in place are starting to pay off 
Hi Poppy10, Thank you for sharing your story. What a time you have had, I'm sorry your daughter has moved out, I hope you get the opportunity to rebuild your relationship with her in the future.
I am getting lots of support from fellow one spacers and friends and family. As louise said above I am begining to put some strategies in place to help us all cope, which are begining to work. My next aim is to try to get the girls to move to their own space when things are getting bad, at the moment they both want to stay within sight of each other which perpetuates the situation. The regular house meetings are a bit hit and miss too so I'm going to try and be more focused on those too.
Hi pq. Enjoy the most of your quiet time, you deserve it. Re-charge your batteries and all that, then you'll be fighting fit for their return.xx
Hi Poppy. Sorry to hear you've been through so much. x
Hi Poppy10 and welcome from me, thank you for sharing your story you really have been through some tough times. I am sorry to hear that you have had no contact with your eldest, I imagine this has had a huge impact on both you and her sister.
pq, you are doing a great job of taking control of the situation of your girls bickering, it won't change overnight, but you are finding strategies for coping. I think your house meetings have worked (at least during the meeting time) the girls have been open and co-operative, especially when you treated them to Shloer and endeavoured to show them some grown up respect!
Thanks Anna, I would like the bickering to stop altogether, but I think realistically the best I can do is what I'm doing, keeping myself sane and helping the girls to find better ways to deal with their frustrations. Coming on here and talking about how I feel really helps, as does hearing everyones encouragement, suggestions and anecdotes.
Hi PQ, hope your enjoying your child free time, when do the girls come back from their grandparents?
Not until sunday sally, whcih means I'll get a restful weekend too. 
Oh dear, oh dear.....
My restful bubble burst with a big bang!
The girls came back yesterday and within a couple of hours they were up to their usual tricks. Yelling, swearing and generally being unpleasant to each other. They don't usually do it when we have other people in the house but after spending the week with my parents they seemed to forget they were there. My parents were really shocked at how badly they behaved, when it got too much I decided to take the play station away at which point H pushed me and I nearly feel over. My dad was furious and I thought he was going to explode at them but he managed to keep his cool.
Today hasn't improved, they completely disrespect me and the house rules. I don't know how I'm supposed to impose them when they don't care about anything I try to do as a concequence. I tried to have a house meeting tonight but A has refused to come to the kitchen, saying she knows what I'm going to say so there is no point being there.
I was watching supper nanny with A this afternoon, it was about a family with older children. The children fought and swore at each other. The mother was saying she couldn't take much more, that she didn't enjoy her children anymore and that she'd rather be at the gym. A found his upsetting and said she doesn't want me to feel like that, but as soon as H came home she started it all up again. I took her into the kitchen and reminded her of what she had said to me, but she just smiled and said H was too annoying so she couldn't do it.
I'm trying to hold onto the calm I found last week but I'm really struggling.
Oh PQ what a homecoming. Have you considered reviewing their consequences? What are the consequences at the moment?
Aww Pq, don't give up, I think you're doing great. Keep going with the consequences, something must eventually work!! Stay calm, deep breaths. I'm finding myself taking the deep breaths for you, as I know how frustrating it can be, as will other members here. Now your Dad has seen the behaviour for himself, would the threat of a phonecall to him do anything with the girls? Would they be upset if they thought he'd be disappointed in them I mean?
Hello PQ I am glad that your dad saw what was going on, sometimes other people can think we are exaggerating etc, now he has seen it then he can really empathise! I do think that your parents saying to your girls that they are shocked at their behaviour and they are totally out of linem would be a reality check for them, they could say your mum works really hard, it is a big job for a parent to be on their own and you should be helping her not acting like three year olds (good old fashoned approval)
Deep breaths.....first of all have a think about what motivates each of your girls, what I mean to say is what is a consequence that would affect them, whether money, mobile phone etc?Every teenager has an Achilles heel.
I totally understand the calm is hard to rediscover but that is your best tool right now (and indeed most times) Find a key "disapproval" phrase such as "This is not acceptable" (supernanny says this a lot, you may have noticed and she usually mispronounces it haha) You need to appear totally and utterly unaffected by their shenanigans. So you say the key phrase and impose the consequence. As for physical struggles, such as when you almost fell over, you repeat your key phrase, STILL CALMLY, and leave the room.
I also think it is worth thinking about WHY they kicked off as they did. My own gut feeling is that it was to get your attention and to "prove" to themselves that they had some power (ie the power to wind you up) This will be particularly so with your eldest. To dispel this pattern you need to prove to them that whatever they do they will not wind you up. The strength to do that is very, very hard to find and the only thing that kept me going during that tough time was thinking "If I don't do this now then I hand the power to them and I will find it harder and harder to regain" In other words, however hard it is now, it would be even harder in a year or two. Many parents, understandably, think I am not up to this, they cave in and adopt the position of being their child's best friend as this is much, much easier. And of course none of us are strong all the time and sometimes it IS easier to back off or to give in. But on the whole, perhaps 90% of the time we need to be in charge.
Sending you a barrel of strength, a barrel of calm and a barrel of hugs
Thanks louise, sally and hazeleyes,
Sometimes it feels easier to give in and try to be their friend, but I know in the long run this will not do any of us any favours. I also know that joining in doesn't help either because then I am just another child behaving badly 
.
Anyway, last night inspite of everything I took H up for a bath and made a big fuss of her, bathed her like I did when she was younger. She really responded to it and we had a lovely hour together. She seems much calmer now and less angry. A is off school again today and we have spent some time together too so hopefully they have both had their batteries recharged.
One of the things supper nanny was saying to the parent who was not enjoying her children, was how easy it is to disengage from them when you feel like that, and how we must remember to let our children know we love them. I know this is something you have said before louise. I know I can withdraw when I'm finding things tough, so I need to keep check of that and make sure I don't shut the girls out.
There's just so much to deal with all at once, it can be so overwhelming.
As far as concequences go sally, I hadn't really put any in place, mainly because I was trying to focus on positive behaviour. I think its something I need to look at, but as louise said it needs to be meaningful to them.
Hi pq, I think you are doing a smashing job and your girls proved that when you spent some quality time with them.
Although I think you feel as though you are doing a terrible job, I sincerely think you are doing marvelously and your tactics will have rewards in the long run.
You might be interested in these articles from our site: Disciplining your child on your own and Temperament.
When your children were smaller and your ex lived with you, what happened when they squabbled?
Well done, PQ, yes it is mega-tough, as I said do hold onto the fact that the hard times now will avoid even harder times ahead. Unfortunately, when things go wrong with teens and pre-teens, everyone is quick to point the finger at parents (especially schools) and yet if ONLY money and resources would be put into some help and support at an early stage then it would pay dividends. Don't forget to read your book if you want a boost
Yes, keep loving them, part of the trouble with teens and pre teens is they can feel pretty unloveable.
Anna has asked a really intersting question about how the girls were when their dad lived with you?
We used a combination of diversion tactics and timeout. They were quite effective but I think they are a bit too old for those now.
I do try to use diversion now, I will get one of the girls to join me in whatever I'm doing, but often the other one will come along too and continue the bickering. Timeout only works now if they are willing to go to their rooms, which often they refuse to do.
hi my 15 yr old and 11 yr old bicker, seems my 15 yr old winds my 11 yr old up, then he gets angry, then my 11 yr old says he hates him and wishes he didnt live with us, tht upsets mex
Yes PQ, diversion is good but there is a limit, and in the end sometimes you just have to let them get on with it.
Kiera it is less common for boys to bicker, it sounds as if keeping them separate would be a good idea.
i do, i have seperate them, its my 15 year old tht winds 11 yr old up, i try and speak to them both in quiet voicem,but it just carries on, drives me madx and i dont want my 15 yr old to av another siezure
Hi kiera, of course you will be worried about your 15yr old having another seizure, but it is not acceptable, he should be a role model and protector to his younger brother. Do you get on better with one son than another?
It is upsetting when they drive each other so mad that they want to live apart.
I've decided that picking fun at the absurdity of it helps me sometimes, of course I don't do this with them as I don't want to make fun of them. For example, recently my 2 spent all morning arguing about who had the most annoying face....at the time they drove me mad, but now I can look back on it and laugh as its so rediculous. I hope one day to be able to look back and share that with the girls too.
PQ, humour helps me sooooooo much, as I am sure you can tell from my posts on here, it also helps me to detach from the intensity of the situation, I start thinking about how I am going to make it into a funny text to my friend. I know that is awful but it is how I have coped over the years.
Kiera, Anna asks about whether you get on better with one son than another....wht do you think?
being a nurse I have always been able to find humour in the most awful situations as a way of dealing with the stress. It sounds like a good solution. Hope my friends are ready for the barrage of texts
It is funny when you are able to take a step back isn't it, the argument about who has the most annoying face did tickle me, but I guess at the time it is hard to be able to extracate the emotions from it all. One trick, nip to the loo and lock the door!
hi well like on monday my 11 yr old played football in iteam , i went watchin him,and my dad did, he played fantastic, when we went to my mums house, my 15 yr old was there, of course we was sayin how well he played etc, my 15 yr old started anoyin my 11 yr old by putin tune on tv he nos he hates, and cud see 15 yr old was windin him up, but i thiught is it xcos we was all goin on bout how well 11 yr old ad one at footy, i get on with both sons same, my 11 yr old son may get more attention mayb, im on my own, it is hard ,and with everythin goin on, i get stressed an dalways tired cos my little girl, hard
Well done to your 11 year old keira, your right to think that your 15 year old was probably annoying his brother because he was getting all the attention, my 4 can behave in the same way when one is getting more attention than the other, i found that praising each of them in turn to my parents or who ever i was talking to minimised this from happening.
Do you spend more time with your 11 year old because your 15 year old is out with friends?
no my 15 year old doesnt go out at all, he refuses to, he wud rather stay on laptop, but last few weeks he as bin revising hard he is very very clever, and does homework, hes revising non stop at the mo, even saturday i asked him did he want to go pictures while my 11 yer old is a t a party, but he refuses cos he wants to do his revising, he as also aplied for head boy at school, so he is doin a speech at aschool. even for his brithday he didnrt want to do anythin, he as couple close friends, but hes not one for goin out, hes happy at home, now my 1 1yr old plays out, he plays footy, hes oppositex
Children are all so different, aren't they?. it was great that you asked your eldest about the cinema, and offered him some one to one time with you, kiera. I wonder if there is something else he would do with you?
Hope you find the prospect of funny texts will help, PQ
It sounds like your son wants to do well at school, you must be very proud of him kiera.
Life here has been good this week. After our initial blip when the girls first got home. I have been feeling very relaxed and in a silly mood which the girls have found funny. The break has done me good
hi pancake, yes my son wants to do really well, he wants go cambridge university i am proud of him, yes i offered him one to one, today while son at party, but he wants revise, even to go for summat eat near by but he wont have it, aw glad break as done u good, today it wil b quiet as 11 yr old at party 2 til 7, so b no arguinx
My girls are out with their dad so peace and quiet for me too, although the only noise in our house this week has been laughter
kids eh, but we love um loadsxx
hi pancake well my 2 sons bicker all time, i hate it,they bicker over anything, they are 15 and 11, my 15 year old actually asked cud he stay at his nanas for few days for a break, as he is revising and wants peace, well i was upset but my 11 year old wasnt of course, and must admit it was peaceful,but when son got back went back to bickering, my 11 year old said he hated his brothjer and wished he adnt bin born,i cry over it, hate it that they bicker,i no tht brothers and sisters argue but it doesnt help, hope ur ok hun, i feel like crap mum sumtymes, plus i av my demanding 2 year old little girl, very hardx