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Hi caza
I would like to say that I think your feelings come more from the loss of your babies than your sterilisation...and the reason you are feeling so sad about the sterilisation is that the natural instinct after the loss of a baby is to conceive another and you know that this possible solution is not open to you.
Yes, you have your little one and have bonded but you did not lose one baby, you lost three...and then the other two, well that is a lot of grieving and with everything going on, I imagine you have not had the time or headspace to do it properly. Don't be scared of grieving (there seems to be a lot of pressure on us these days to be happy happy all the time!) as it is a healing and in some ways beautiful process.
Caza, I'm so sorry to read about the babies you've lost..
hi yes your probaly right i think at times i did try to push things back down insted of letting my self go through the natural greiving process especially the other two because of the dv i neva had time to greive and now i am, in some way as i feel a mixture of joy for my baby and loss for the past babys and any future babys that could of been x
Absolutely caza, you have been through so much, there hasa been little headspace to think about very much at all other than getting on the day to day practicalities of parenting and then with the dv as well.
Small steps you will get through this time, lots of loving yourself and nurturing yourself.
It was lovely to hear that you had a burial with the baby's names on a headstone, one friend of mine found that writing letters to the baby that she lost, quite healing.
thanks anna , thats really touching , and i think thats a really nice idea that your freind had , i found alot of poems that got read at the funeral and i have a keepsake box that willl stay with me forever footprints, hand print and the poems, sands really did help reading storys of people that new exactley how i felt and they also had a support phone line and i spoke them on a few occasions , they realy was a light at the end of a very dark tunnel at the time that i felt i would neva come out of , music also helped me greive x
It's a process that is still happening for you, caza and over time you will feel stronger as long as you let the feelings "happen" and don't try to push them down too much 
hi anna tried couselling after i lost my 3rd baby to my ex husband as it was so traumatic and baby was born with a heartbeat and lived for around 2 hours , i just didnt feel like it was for me and felt like the only thing that would help would be to have another baby i did have some ccontact with an organisation called SANDS stillbirth an neonatel death society and they really gave me alot of support , i dont think i cried so much in my life and i mourned for all 3 babys and had a funeral and buryel and had all of there three names put on their stone, time is a healer but you neva forget and i knew they cannot be replaced but wanted a baby still but my husband didnt , i think it was to much for him to see me perhaps go through it again and also what it meant for him, this destroyed my marrige because i couldent come to terms with the fact he would not let me have another baby after losing 3 , thats when i met ex
i think being sterilised and atlast having baby has brought things up to the surface again a bit just because i am so made up with her and and the love reminds you of what you lost and what could of been