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Pash. I do not understand what you're saying here. Ex claimed DV abuse, but went out on a whim and bought a car, when she gave up smoking?
That was in 2010 when she got the car she brough the other car we have home from servicing and showed me this brochure and said if i stop smoking can we get this car. everything was good then but her drinking got worst and if i tried to discpline the children she would sometimes over rule it and if i shouted she would give me grieve it was easier for her to drink than to back me up and the boys played on this thus causing more rows and shouting then i would get all the blame but i did let her get way with murder sometimes instead of standing up to her and growing a back bone even her old friends say i am better of without her hence all the gardening to keep occupied and i use to hate manuel work the most i get to that is walking to the office for my keys for the wagon.
Caza Have you been on a freedom program course i think this will do you the power of good. someone on here should be able to tell you more please go on it if you get the chance.
somehting has happend today my ex contacted me and said that he and his family want to build bridges for the baby for som normality , they have invited me down to his mums house tommorow with the baby to have a talk and see if we can sort things out out of court and they wont put any pressure on me about wanting the baby on thier own , the aggrement i had first made with ss said that this would be ok as it would be supervised by a membr of his family and it will take the stress of all the court stuff away and give the baby a chance to get to kno them in a family enviorment and the courts prefer it if you can sort things out amicably dont they? if i was to take the baby down there for an hour can this go against me or would i just be able to say i gave it one last chance to see if we could sort things out between us amicably if they start makin any demands or act inapropriate ie, upset me shout , in any way i would not take her again but am i right to test the water for a chanace of some normality
if they make demands asking for the baby to spend time with him alone i will refuse, but they have said they wont put any pressure on me
Is there any one you can take alone to the visit tomorrow, a friend maybe? it may be a little intimidating if your alone with all his family- its good they want to sort things out side of court. U should get a private agreement typed up and signed by you both, stating that buba lives with you but father has rights to visits (state which days and times)
theres not really anyone i can take with me but think i can handle the situation, i would find court alot more intimidating if anything doesnt feel right i will just say i have to leave , they have said that everything will be ok and they just want things to be normal im thinking it will be just him and his mum and possibly his dad or sister , if htings dont work out and it still ends up in court wil i still be able to ask for a contact centre if iv took the baby up there willingley could the courts turn round and say they can have unsupervised access without me there, i think its a good idea about gettin another aggremnt written up i was already thinking i neeeded to get a residential order to state im am the main gaurdian and baby lives with me, i may suggest this tommorow ( not the residential order, ut gettin an aggrement typed up that we both sign)
i would much prefer for things to be normal for me and baby, he has said that he waants to contact ss to find out how long the aggrement is in place for because in the future he may want to take her to a park or something and i sad i wouldnt be able to let him do that and i wasnt happy for him to do that so he would have to contact them as i wont allow unsupervised access, the ss stated in the aggrement that if ther was any changes they would have to re asees the situation, but im still not allowing unsupervised access so im doing everything write i think, he did say what if he wanted to come to my home unsupervised and i sad well why would you want to do that and he said to see the babay if no one can come with him , and i said again i cant allow unsupervised and why would my ex wana come to my home he said to see the babay ??? aw confusing
Caza, this up to you whatever you feel most comfortable with. I would probably suggest that you meet in coffee shop or something rather than the house just so they cant intimidate you and it will be easier for you to leave.
The courts wont look bad on you for this as you havent received a summons yet have you? so it is the normal first step before court to try and sort it out between yourselves and if not then mediation, and THEN court so you are at the "try to sort it out yourself" stage so it is ok to make an attempt to be amicable.
Do what YOU feel is best but dont let them pressure you x good luck x
hello little angel 
how are you doin hope youre well, yes your right i havnt recievd a summons as of yet but when i seen a solicitor she sad that it was best just to go straight to court i remeber now an she said tht mediation didnt look possible becuase the realtionship with his mum had broke down also , but if there willing to make an effort to be amicable im thinking perhaps i shuold give it a go , i will let you kno how it went if i decide to go
im really glad you found me again on this thread as i would of had to of gone pages and pages through my emails to find our other thread again ( which i was goin to get to lol ) x
thye said theyd meet me at the bus stop so we will be able to walk and talk first also x
ok well thats good, just be sure your comfortable before going in their house.
I wish you greatest of luck and know you will do the right thing x x
I am ok hun, your other thread is in the "seperation and Divorce" section on the left hun x
i hope so finger crossed x
im still working my way round the site how to work it lol and thought i had to keep checking my emails to find the new comments but that will be much easier if i can get to it through the actually site
i will update you all tommorw of any progress
goodnite x
hello caza, little angel has given you lots of information. I know you said you were representing yourself in person but that does mean that when questions like this come up you have no solicitor to turn to. See what the family suggests and maybe THEN see a solicitor? And don't forget the Legal Expert on here.
As for your other thread, here is a link to it.
thanks louise im kinda thinking that in the long run it wont work but im gona give it one last shot and then hopefully if it doesnt work out i will be intitled to legal aid by then as im handing my notice in to work and putting a claim in for income support , it actually works out il be 100 pound better off per month this way ie free milk , school meals , rent , at least if it still does go to court i can say i tried to sort things out between ourselves but once they start asking for the baby to be there on her own or overnight it will be a deffo no no and will prob fall apart again , but they have said no pressure so il see
thanks x
Brain wave
I am supposed to be seeing my little girl tomorrow at a CC but i have thought that it will do her more harm than good as it will cause her more distress and upset.
Yes she is my little girl and we used go be glued at the hip and did everything together she is only 5 and the last time i seen her was in march.
Idea's please i see the SW tomorrow to dicuss this also but your advice will help too i just do not want my baby getting upset.
Thanks
HELP!! i have had a reply back from the legal expert i shall paste and copy he first paragraph
From what you have told me about the history of your relationship with the father, it is likely that the court will order a full investigation by social services, particularly as they have been involved with your family in the past. This man is violent and abusive. Social services made it clear to you that they would not take any further action provided that you ended your relationship with this man and did not allow him contact with your daughter. Consequently, you signed AN AGREEMENT TO THIS EFECT. I AM CERTAIN THAT IF YOU DID ALLOW THIS MAN BACK INTO YOUR LIFE THEN SOCIAL SERVICES MAY CONSIDER ISSUING CARE PROCEEDINGS AND ALL YOUR CHILDREN MIGHT BE PLACED INTO FOSTER CARE (BECAUSE OF THE RISK THAT THIS MAN POSES SHOULD HE BE INVOLVED IN THE CHILDRENS’ LIVES).
Under no circumstances should you give in to this man’s requests for contact (or his mother or any other member of the paternal family)..
the aggrement i signed with social services said i could allow contact with the baby aslong as it was supervised by either his mother or a person i felt safe with , the legal expert has said that i shouldent do this as he is a danger , i think considering this email from the legal expert i should not take the babay down today although i thought we could sort things out out of court and thats why the case was closed i am so confused an woried now of what to do and what not to do please help
this is just the first paragraph i have copyed and pasted , there is more , i tried to ring the soolicitor to speak with her but she wouldnt take my call as im not a client i sad it wa urgent and i just needed som advice on the emil she had sent me , i did mention in the questions to her that ss had said i could allow supervised access but this had broke down , but i neva said the family had asked me to build bridges and give it one last go .....what do i do now!!!
caza if that is what the legal adviser has told you then you must take notice of it. Send a message to his family saying I am very sorry I am not going to be able to come as a solicitor has told me it might risk further social services involvement and it is important that I take her advice.
Caza, call ss and tell them your situation. They know the history and they drew up the agreement so they can clarify EXACTLY what was meant by it. Any advice from them you will have to observe.
ok i have spoken to ss and thy told me to speak to careline , care line have informed me that the aggrement is still in place and that as long as i am supervising the contact i am not goin against the aggreement and the case remains closed so thay said there would not be a problem with me taking the baby for a visit as this is supervised and it would be my decision as to wether to do this or not and if i wasnt happy with anything then i would just leave and this would be acting appropriatly and go down the court route so apparantly this is ok for me to do
they also logged this call tot hem so it is recorded that they said this is ok for me to do
Get it all in writing of the SS as they have a bad habit of forgeting things
i rang back and asked if the call had been logged on the sysytem and they said yes and i have the aggremnet that is still in place
Caza here is some number someone at GMP DV unit gave me to pass on;
There are various website available offering advice, support and access to a legal team.
Women's Aid 24 hour helpline on 0808 2000 247
Visit the National Respect website or call 0808 802 4040
thanks pash02
Well thats great then Caza, they gave you the go ahead so your fine to do the visit.
good luck, hun x
yes its been logged also so they know i have rang to confirm if it was ok so nothing bd will happen will it 
x
hello everyone visit went well no problems an was supervised at all times , the ex was polite calm and amicable so aslong as he keeps it this way i am happy to organise another visit , if he raises his voice makes any demands then it will go to court, at least i tried to give normality a go, hopefully it will stay amicabe and he seems to realise now that i wont agree to unsupervised access , so fingers crossed baby can have a better experiance of her family gettin on r atherthen evryone fighting over her and confusing her
Well done you your a star 
Hi caza, I'm glad the visit went well, and like you say, hopefully it will remain amicable. As long as he realises that you definately won't agree to unsupervised visits! I know you've been so worried over the court stuff, and I wouldn't have really known what advise to give you, as I've not done anything like that. Have you arranged another visit, or have you left it down to him to contact you over it? Please be very careful though, and don't allow him into your home.
thanks pash , i have agreed to another visit next week as long as things stay amicable in the meantime and that it is supervised again, i wont put my self or my baby or anyof my children i any vunerable positions with my ex , i do still feel anxious over wht the legal expert advised but she did then email me back again and advised me to contact ss which i did and confirmed that i would not be doing anything wrong by allowing a supervised visit so they cant really come back if it does go to court and say i shouldent of done it cos they said it would be ok, something in my gut dont feel right tho and i have done the visit now , do you think im worrying to much as they had said i wouldent be doing anything wrong
Hi caza I am glad you have had some reassurance and have alo been in touch with SS.
You did really well to handle the visit like this. Just remember that all the cards are in your hands: the visits only continue as long as everyone behaves respectfully
thanks louise if the ss had said not to do the visit i would of declined the invatation, i even asked them if it could go agaisnt me if it did end up in court nnd they said no because i acted appropratly and would act appropriatly if the situation became volitile in any way , i just cant hellp feeling anxious still over the whole situation tho and am wondering wether it was the right choice as things could well possibly end up back the same again if he begins makin demands , and if it will make me look bad but i am trying to do the best for baby and thought that a family enviorment would be a better experiance for her and mayby build some bridges for her sake with the family so she will know her little cousins as i dont have any family , i hope things work out well for her sake, ,the ex,s mum was obviously there and she was babysitting her niece and nephew so there was other little children present at the time also that also made me feel more comfortable
Caza the court cant say you did anything wrong because as ss said you have acted appropriately by keeping it supervised etc. If he would have been abusive and then you agreed to go back for another visit that would be a different matter. All you a trying to do is keep things amicable and of course if contact can be organised with the least amount of stress that is best, if it goes wrong then you will stop contact and then it will go to court and you can say you tried your best but the second it got risky you pulled out, and that is you acting in your childs best interests.
thanks little angel i have barely slep for the past couple of nights worrying 1 about the visit itself and then 2 if i had made a really awfull mistake , i feel alot calmer and in controll now and am sure that i am doing things responsibly and will pull out imediatly if things become volitile and im sure this would make him look worse than me in the long run
did you see my post on our other thread about me having a discussion with him in the next few days about me and him neva resuming our relationship i want him to be sure that he knows this is neva going to happen and that the arrangent is based on contact with his daughtr and not me
Yeah it is good for you to have that talk (but it may go in one ear and out the other) but definately make sure you are in a public place for that as men like him tend not to like rejection. My ex is so smarmy I have been telling him for 6 years that I dont love him, want him and there is more chance of him winning the lottery and being struck by lightning on the same day as me and him getting back together, in fact in anger I have told him I hate him and wish he would fall under a bus. He simply says "I know you will come back eventually" I have simply given up!
I am a man and when the EX told me she wasnt coming back i told her "who said i want you back" she wasnt too inpressed as her voice went very melow BUT it is the only time i have said that!! before it was please come back blah blah blah we can start again, but now i dont think i want her back
Just a mans input Caza please go on the freedom programe if offered
i am a little worried he mite be gettin the wrong impression and i have just opend up a can of worms, i think things are still goin to end up in court
i have been offerd to go on the freedom project but most dont have creches and i dont have any one to babysitt and still dont want to leave baby with any one while shes so young , i have seen the online freedom project but i dont think its as effective for me andi would be better in a real group , the place that was offerd to me was also around the corner from where ex lived so didnt want to bump in to him as i was comin out or going and be asked where i have been
Soon as you get a chance please go on it, just so long as its safe for you.
La please dont take me the wrong way it is just the way i talk. and sorry if i have upset anyone.
you havnt upset me pash02
i think he,s already gettin the wrong impression and i dont want him to think im leading him on attal by allowing contact im happy to be amicable with him for baby but no more , and i dont think he will take rejection well neither i need to set the record straight, i feel like i have moved on emotionally and know i dont need him or want him and iv signed a aggrement stating i wont resume, i told him a few weeks back that i dont need him or want him and he said he was goin to move so i said please do! do me a favour , ur right little angel i just dont think hes gonna gt the message
Well maybe he wont but so long as you dont go back it doesnt really matter if her gets it or not, after all I have been living with and seeing a different man for 5 years but my ex still thinks Im his lol It aint gonna stop me living my life tho, it just leaves him stuck in the past unable to move on - his problem not mine (well most the time anyway).
yea your right it doesnt really matter what he thinks ,and i kno i wont go back i wouldent choose him over my baby and there is nothing to go back to even if i wanted to it would just be more abuse i wasnt happy when i was with him and im feeling happier without him he said to me also a few weeks ago that he thinks im still his but ye thats him living in the past iv moved on and im happier and so are my kids and i woud neva expose baby to his nasty abuse and she wont have to see that aslong as i keep him at arms lenght , apparently he was only ever abusive to me not his ex,ex but i think he saw me as an easy target cos i have no family no me and him hopefully means no abuse and i hope his next girl gets a better deal than me which she prbably will cos she,l most likely have family and feinds arund her and he wont say boo cos he,s just a coward at the end of the day
he wouldnet of treated me the way he did if i had family an feinds cos he kno,s people react and he wouldnt of treated me like that if i was a man , im really petite alot smallr than he was
Great that you are recognising all these things, caza. The Freedom Programme will help even more with this. How are your older children?
Caza is he the one who told you that your the only one he was abusive to? Because in my experience they all say that as an extra way of making you think the problem is YOU not him. When i met my ex he was on probation for assaulting his ex, I dont know how he did it but he had me convinced she had told lies and attacked him first etc - I actually felt sorry for him. Of course now I know he assaulted her, and two previous girlfriends yet throughout our relationship he always told me it was only me and his ex that caused him to behave like that.
his family also have said that he and his ex had a great relationship and as far as i kno there was neva any police involvement in their relationship but i have always suspected she just hid it cos he is the way he is and i couldent see him being less angry headed with som one else , and yes it was all my fault in his eyes i made him do it cos i moaned to much apparently, i think he controlled her more and she neva answerd bak etc but something went wrong cos they arnt together are they and he always told me it ws cos he met me but i think there is more to the story that even his family didnt kno, the girls are fine thanks louise there a great help with baby, i kno i havent got a partner and im 40 but i still feel like being sterilised was a really bad mistake i would of loved to of had one more and feel like the crap he put me through while i was pregnant caused me to have my ligation cos i wasnt thinking straight and as soon as i met baby i knew it had been a mistake , i cant have this reversd on the nhs i beleive and ... i havnt got a partner to have another baby with but who kno,s wat the future holds , but this is something i will neva have again because of him
I think it can be quite an emotional upheaval for a woman to be sterilised....or to come to the end of her childbearing in other ways, too. After I had my youngest I was told not to have another and I mourned then for the fact that I would never have a daughter. But I understand that it feels like it was HIM who was the cause, and that is more difficult for you.
yes its like im mourning the fact il neva have another baby i spoke to the doctor about my feelings about this and she said it was a good sign that i have really bonded with my baby and i should feel differantly in a couple of months but i dont feel differant yes i have most definatly bonded with my baby but i still feel upset at the fact i cant have no more , do you think they would consider doing it on the nhs ( reversing ) if it was kind of the fault of my circumstances and dv that mde me make such a bad choice
my ex made me get rid of two other babys ( terminations) as i had to have a trans abdominal cerclage to carryon with my pregnancys and the doctor said while we both sat there that there would be no way i could go through it alone as it is major abdominal surgery and i was pregannt ( this operation was to save the pregancys as i have an incompetant cervix and had 3 late miscarriges with my ex husband , father to my other girls at 22 weeks and 2 at 23 weeks ) my ex walked away and left me knowing i couldent go through with the pregancy without his support , we got back togther and i feel pregnant again and ...yes he did it again , i then had the operation pre pregancy so had abdominal surgery that tied a stich around the top of my cervix not the bottom so its differant from the cervial suture that goes around the bottom of the cervix, this way because i had the stich pre natal i could recover and if i fell pregnant again would be able to carry on with a normal but high risk an high moniterd pregancy , if i had miscarried while i had the abdo stich in my womb would of ruptured or my cervix could of torn which would of put both my an babys llifes at risk, by this time i ha got back with ex and he had decided he wanted a baby so fell pregnant again with the stich in place , and he then treated me the way he did while i was pregnant knowing it could of killed us both, any way to get to the point of the story 1 i lost 3 babys by late miscarrige and then he made me lose another 2 i mourn for the first 3 and i mourn for the 2 he wouldent let me have they would have been so beutifull and i mourn for the fact i will neva again have that
i will look forward to my grandchildren
Hi caza, it sounds as though you could do with some emotional support around this, would you consider going back to your GP and asking for some counselling?
You are grieving the loss of your babies and it would be good to talk it through with a professional.
You've done well not to contact her.
That's where the take the sim out of the phone comes into it. And you have to be strong.
Will go to your thread pash, to try and keep this contact centre focused...