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Hi i ham going through what feels like hell at the minute .. i was with my ex for two years and have been split a year ... he was sexually, physically and emotionally abusive towards me often infront of the children he told me i wouldnt be believed and i tried to manage through it as best i could ..i allowed contact as long as it was at his parents house ... and told his mother everything she agreed to supervise due to him wanting me to perform sexual acts infront of my lo and hed kneed my son from a previous rel in the stomach because i moved out the social srvices dropped the case .. however i found out in jan that his mother was no longer supervising so i stopped contact hes taken me to court and its been nine months of confusion being ignored CAFCASS conducted an interview with him and an interview with myself and then decided a period of supervised would surfice we went to court friday and my solicitor was well aware that i wanted to contest .. as three months of acting like a good dad would not stop him .. she ignored me and told the judge i was happy to go ahead .. i was told before i went in that i could not speak unless spoken to and that despite having things to put forward i wasnt allowed to prove my ex was lying ... i told the court office what had just happened i was in shock but apparently now i have a court order forcing me to take my girl two bus rides to a contact centre that is very accessable to him and that my solicitor had booked without my knowledge because there were places available !!! yet there are centres nearer i have now learnt that i could have had my say and i just feel distraught i do not want my child to witness his perverted behaviour and yet i face fines and prison if i dont!!! this world is mad all im doing is protecting my daughter
awww thank you louise and have done i do feel totally let down and scared i cant take her its like handing over to someone who i know isnt suitable its just awful thanks again :) xx
Yes I can totally understand you feeling like that!!!
Have you had any help and support to recover from this awful abuse? One thing you could look at is our online Freedom Programme (click to see)
i havent as of yet but i am just waiting for the referal to someone through the police and also marac i will also look on freedom programme thankyou it feels like the hardest thing so i will try anything thankyou so much !!! xx
hi louise i have just trie to access and it is saying access denied ?? xx
Oh well it shouldn't do, if you are logged in. Were you logged in?
Give the link another go. Alternatively go to the Home Page (see the top left of the page for where it says Home) then go down the right hand side of the Home Page, it says Your Learning, under there, click on where it says Surviving Domestic Abuse, let me know if you are still having trouble
hi well i do av idea wot ur goin thru, i went thru 2 half yrs with m,y violent ex,he seriously assaulted once on holiday. but kept avin him bk, as he harssed me,followed me etc, made threats, hated my eldest dawter, i ended it in may for gud, policebin involved few tyms,ive bin maraced classed as high risk,anyway my ex takin me court over acess to our little girl, she is 2 in october, i dont want him to see er but i no judge wil prob giv supervised contact, found out in court bout his very violent past and he ad secret life and new baby i new nothin bout, i hate him now, i av gud soliciter,m he doesnt av one yet, he said im coke haed i did hair starnd test tht cum bk negative, hes angry i avnt ad him bk, and bin tild my kids are at risk if i av anythin to do with ex again, which i avnt, u wil get thru it hun, i av anxiety and takin low dose tablets, scare dof hearin in novemebr dont want ex to av contct, i no ur findin it hard im ere for u hunxx
aww thanks louise just tried now and its fine going through the home section so thanyou xx
aww thanks louise just tried now and its fine going through the home section so thanyou xx
keira ... tahnkyou so very much!!! i feel for you your story touches a chord with me and clearly we are going through the same emotional control even after we leave the situaton ... how are you staying strong .. and my biggest advice for court which i have learned to late .. is to listen to your solicitor but if she/ he tries to push you into something you dont want and wont take your ideas speak out your fighting for your child and noone has the right to silence you ... they have their happy lives and go home guilt free at the end of the day .. it is scary but just remember your the one whose there for the right reasons and havent done anything wrong please feel free to chat any time !!! your not alone and i understand so please feel free to :) massive hugs hun i know its not easy xx
Tis is something i am finding.... solicter has silenced me and tok them months to help. in process of changing. risk now not having legal aid.... what shocks me is how it appears that the police social services and solicter have abused the postion they are in and fuuly taken advantage i am isolated and have no family or support. I am frightened and feel quite alone. not enough to deal with the shocking events but the aftermath of a dreadfully handled case inaccurate reports and serious ommissions... Legal help? Sadly and this makes me feel like such a failure, my children would not have had to suffer if i could afford legal help. It has been a year
hi how are u, well i av legal aid, sumtyms i feel my solicter very hard on me, she says she as to b, i said i dont want my ex to av any contact with him zas he is very violent, mean ive bin told im not to have him nr my kids or me yet he cud get supervised acess, dreadin next hearin in november, my solicter says i cud b critized in court if i say no contact,i said sorry but i dont want his to see er, solicter says even peophiles get aces to their children, scary isnt it,and bin told i failed to protect my kids as i kept avin him bk, he was violent to me once rest was mind games and emotional abuse, feel guilty i let violent man in our lives i only found out bout his secret life in court in july and tht he ad new baby i new nothin bout, xur not A FAILURE THOX
That is exactly the same for me i am doing this alone and i think they care nothing about it i wonder how many mothers who are trying to protect their children are being cast aside .. i have no doubt that there are some mothers out there who do use their kids as revenge BUTi think they are few and far between .. i know you will feel vulnerable and totally out of your depth at the minute but have you considered doing it yourself?? because i have had two solicitors and i now wish i would have .. this way you get across what you want and at least then you have given all the fight you can and then whatever the outcome at least you gave everything i dont think my solicitor did anything except hurt me in the end im going to speak to the childrens legal centre today i need to fight this but it maybe to late for me heres there number if you want to 0808 802 0008 youcan but ask hun xx
That is exactly the same for me i am doing this alone and i think they care nothing about it i wonder how many mothers who are trying to protect their children are being cast aside .. i have no doubt that there are some mothers out there who do use their kids as revenge BUTi think they are few and far between .. i know you will feel vulnerable and totally out of your depth at the minute but have you considered doing it yourself?? because i have had two solicitors and i now wish i would have .. this way you get across what you want and at least then you have given all the fight you can and then whatever the outcome at least you gave everything i dont think my solicitor did anything except hurt me in the end im going to speak to the childrens legal centre today i need to fight this but it maybe to late for me heres there number if you want to 0808 802 0008 youcan but ask hun xx
hi hun thanks for reply, i feel for u to, i said i dont ex to see our little girl, soliciter said i will b critized in court if i say no contact, but i said its how i feel, hes violent man, i dont trust him if u read all my posts ul see why, i hate him and im scared for our future, he ad secret life, new baby a girlfriend i new nothin bout, snd only got told on court by cafcass man, and tht hes bin jail loads tyms for violence, hes horrible man wish never met himx
mean i av had to do hair strand test to prove im not coke us4er cos he said i am, it cum bk negative yet he asnt dun on,e he asnt got a solicter, ive ad pay to get txt messages to prove him hartrassin me, he as ad 2 harassment orders against him, like i av do everythin, my solicter asaid she doesnt want me to b critized in court, i said he does whizz and canabis bbut he asnt dun drug test at all, av u already tuk ur child to contact centre yet,do u mean u want to fight this as in not let him see ur child, i got offered placce in refuge wish id of tuk itxx
mean my ex made my life misery and my kids, im in middle doin freedom programme and im doin one to one thru wave, so as elped me, and i av support goin to court av u got supportx
i know what you mean has he ever hurt you while your little girl was in the room or hurt her ... has he got a criminal record for being violent did you report anything ? do you have independant witnesses ie did you go to the doctors police etc?? the reason im asking is as much evidence in this respect as you can get will help your case i know you dont want him to and the solicitor told me the same but you know whos to know this is true if you have solid grounds the court need to know as to why and if you can put a good case forward then how can they dismiss it xx
ive had nothing .. nothing at all hun and now im making a statement on the serious crime he committed against me which is scary but i now know i have to xx
just rang the childrens law society and because i have a solicitor they cant advise me :( xx
Hi all, this is such a difficult time isn't it. I felt like such a bad parent if I said 'No Contact', but then I realised that I was a bad parent if I didn't. So although I knew he would probably get contact, I still said that I didn't agree with it as I felt it was important to have my voice heard.
Women who have survived an abusive relationship are still using the brain that is used to being manipulated, we are used to trusting someone else's judgement and letting them make the decisions for us. So these custody and contact cases are so unbalanced as we try and do what is right for everyone else and spend little time thinking about what 'we' believe is right for our child.
just me - did you contact our legal expert?
hi anna i did hun just awaiting a reply .. and my reasons are due to the safety of my daughter i allowed contact for a year but supervised with his mother .. due to the fact he wanted and tried to force sexual acts while i was holding or infront of my daughter and would have done if i agreed therefore i wouldnt trust him to be on his own with her and he raped me while my daughter was in the room ..he strangled me while i was holding her .. and i have voice recorded evidence ..he is mirroring our relationship with his new partner got her pregnant straightaway told a pack of lies etc etc .. i just cant sit back and let my daughter witness what he did to me with his new partner i have an older child to a previous partner and i didnt stop access i see the importance and difference between is ability to be a dad and our relationship xx
thing is he assaulted me on holiday in tenerife, he puched me in face twice and spit on me, he piut me in hospital over there he just turned on me, he blames drink of course, but it was him, cos he a thug, he got thrown in cells for 4 days, i pressed charges, there was trial but he didnt turn up, but i ad him bk u c 2 months later, very dumb i no, then my eldest dawter hated him my elder son does, my dawter left cos of him, feel guilty bout tht, we av bin on and off fot months an dmonths, but he ad a famuily sumwehere welse yet he accused me altym, called my friends slags, called my dawter vile names even accused me of goin with my own dawter, and my friends, he as followed me, stalked me, harassed me me, so kept avin him bk, all emotional abuse u c, but courts did expose him for wot he really is u see, a cheat and liar and violent thug, his long criminal record all viol,ent crimes, i didnt no bout, i really do hate himx
honey i have just rang court and i just explained why i was so worried and scared and do you know what the woman said on the end of the phone ... well what do you think the judge will think of you for letting him in the house ......that is another woman who woks in the office of the court department i have just picked myself off the floor and cant believe it shed asked me the reasons i told her and that was the response .. isnt it why women dont report it in the first place through shame embarrassment and because they wont be believed .. an abuser programmes you to believe its you and look even a woman says it DISGUSTED
hi it is bloody disgusting, all my soliciter says to me is a woman who was terified of er ex wudnt keep avin himk bk,meanin me, i said loads woman who go bk to their man even tho they av battered them its common knoledge, i said tht to my soliciter cos she aint in my shoes and i aint avin er tellin me any different, xx
my soliociter told me off cos i ad him in m yhouse, but he just walked in, i rang police in my bathroom, ive bin thru enuf without soliciter avin ago at me, i dont need it, and u dont either, do u av to go to a contact centrex
im so glad you told her thats awful and im not being funny but if she doesnt know that is what happens in domestic abuse cases then she needs to find a new job what an absolute cow!!! is it any wonder women are left to be killed cause when you do tell this is what you get x
even woman who cum court with me from sure start to support me said my soliciter to hard on me, i ad a privat eroom so i didnt av see my ex, and then cafcass man tellin me tht he lives with his children and he as 7 month old baby i new naffall bout oh and then his long violent past which i didnt no bout then to b told im 1 step from care procedings if i av anythin to do with him again, yet he cud av supervised contact dont even make sense, i dont trust him with my little girl she is 2 in 2 weeks, imscared for erx
i told my soliciter tht i dis agree with er, tht my ex ad strong old on me, and i was scared of him, yes i kept takin him bk, i cant even answer why, prob cos of all harassin he did , seemed easier at tym and police can b sarcastic as wellx
Hi... I have been battling for nothing more than prompt legal advice,representation and importantly protection.
The social services had to become involved to to the nature of the incidant last year. They were shocking towards me and put my daughter through hell. This was after i called the police because i found semen on my then baby son. The horror of the night and what has followed just beggars belief.
My solcters failed to get in touch or give the advice and rights i am learning about. Also there was no support until last week form doestic abuse! I am shocked that even the solicter did not explain my rights, my rights as a Mothere that is who has protected her children.
You can make a formal complaint about the solicter but it has to be done in the correct order... i am shocked and the sheer volume of work i am having to do because of proffessions mistakes and discrimination is getting harder and harder to deal with... All my focus should be on the incidant and the shocking results. Such a tangled web.
I have a duty and an example to set my children and to protect them and support them through this and ensure they are as unaffected as possiable now and in the future. As frightening and unfair my treatment has been, remaining calm and strong is so imortant as has been explaingg to my daughter why they behave the way they do.. There is no reason or rationel...
Whatever has is and will be thrown at us, My children are my priority, i adore being their mother and when the lights go outand the door closes behind me, yes the whole world seems to vanish and it's the lonliest place and rather frightening! But theas two ducklings of mine give me strength to believe in myself that what i am doing is right but so unnessary as we should not have to fight for justice and certainly not to have mistakes corrected and their mothers name cleared.
My daughter is 15 My son is a toddler, when i see how they are with each other and friends, their out look on life, it gives me hope that, regaurdless of money, status, friends and family, They are happy safe secure and healthy just me. Only time will stop the nightmares for them.
Me i need help, support and my voice heard...
Good luck, keep your calm and remember why you are here.. You are a MOTHER you must see it through but in a way that is consistant honest and calm...
jesus !!!! and wow noway did you get to have a seperate room i had to sit in the waiting room with him glaring at me on my own and im not surprised you dont want him to you def need to keep pushing!! its hard when your in it to explain as to why and you dodnt have to when theres millions out there going through the same thing its clearly what happens or there would be no domestic violence full stop god they make me so angry xx
You sound like you need some advice and sounds upsettingly familiar, differant circumstancess.. There is the Solicters regulatory authoritywhich will give you advice. Put in a formal complaint, you have the right to feel in control of your legal representation, objectivly, yey they can be harsh and have too... However mine has over stepped the mark on quite a few occassions. Contact the Law society too, all have given advice... Is sad the children have to suffer so much more... Why is'nt the information readily available? i have spenthours months trawling calling to find info i have so far... chin up
well i asked my soliciter cud i av seperate room cos no way i want to see him but i ad to face him in court even after hearin wot i heard bout him, i dint luk at him once, he didnt av a solicter and shouited im coke head and i leace kids on own all tym,and he brought up an abortion i ad, he tried getin my attention but i didnt luk at him,i cried all way om e scared tht social services cum and take my kids off me,yet i avnt heard off athem at all, x
Really think you need to contact the solicter regulatory authority! Social services??? Have you contacted them? Do it doit in writting and when they help, try get a 3rd party there to and record eveything. You need to see your G.P living in fear is worse than dealing with it, use others experiances to give you awareness, not all social serves etc are bad i'm sure. So be aware, take a deep breath dust your self down and stand tall.. You really are not alone
i dread post cumin , really do ,hate getin soliciters letters, today ad lett from contact centre court order i av to attend a parents information meetin, well il go ,dont mind ive nearly dun freedom programme and doin one to one thru wave, do all i acn so courts can see im tryin, but i dont want my little girl to see him, end ofx
and wot ur ex did was awful he shudnt b allowed to see his child, disgusting, x
and yet u av take 2 bus rides to centre, my little girl as hardly seen him and il b dreadin if i av to take er to a centre, is it supervised x
lizzielaw im really sorry i didnt see your first post so please dont think me ignorant i will read now and reply thankyou xx
I am in no way qualified, all i have is my own experiances and i empathise with the dread of the mail... It sound like you need support for you, it is hard and often you get doors slammed in your face, which can make us feel hopeless and rejected. Don't give up, accepting the end of a relationship, family unit is hard whatever the circumstances and it is like a grieving process, some for hat has been lost, some for what we never had, and the guilt and fear that kept it going.. I can only take your word as i have meet women who have out the fathers of their children through hell when it was only a breakdown... Whatever the outcome your duaghter will learn from how you deal with this, how you react and the reassurance and love you gve her. Hiding our emotions completely i believe can be harmful, however we have a job to do and it tough sometimes. This sounds harsh. Foucs on how you would like your dughter to have the emotional strength and complete confidance in her own emotions that should she get contact she is aware and will be of minipultive behaviour, the experts will have the childs best interests. Again from my experiance often they just want to get it over with tick all the boxes and ensure there backs are covered, something that bewilders us in our case.. Do you have a good support network? again i don't mean to sound harsh, someone that will point out your faults too, but more importantly listen,support and understand? Are you sure you are accessing all agaencies? It's becoming a full time job for me, today is a tough day emotionally, last night was a long one, i found this site... There are good people out there, you must believe that x
wow that is disgusting and how dare they do that !!! you are clearly doing all you can and im inspired by your self control im a wreck and getting nowehrre i will definitely call them im wondering if as a collective gathering more women in our situation maybe we can do something campaign for better information etc and support while going through court ... the only reason there is cafcass is due to the fathers for justice movement the balance seems to have tipped the other way !!i get ignored off my solicitor by emails never rings me back and when i told her i wanted to contest she just ignored me and told the court i was happy for this .. alli wanted was for my voice to be heard so that the decision was bsed upon all info .. and kiera it is supervised but only for three months ...and then reviewed to see how it can progress as they dont like to keep paying for supervision .. i worry once i take her and the process of seeing her starts it wont ever stop xx
and i did go doctors for anxiety ,after all tht i ad bin thru with ex and livin on edge al tym and couyrt was stressful so doctor said no wonder u av anxiety he gave me low dose tablets, only bin o nthem 2 half weeks, av to go bk, im 40 and bk on m yown again, x
dont forget i never met his family,he ad a girlfriend and baby i new nothin bout, i worry say after contact centre wot wil appen god nos wil he wil take my little girl, ex let me down so mant tyms, he as hardly seen my little girl,ive got a residency order goin thru,he as threatened to take er bfore, does scare mex
wot area u from im north westx
This is the reason i have joined this site.... our situation keeps slipping through the net... honestly i think we should try get together as the lack of how the law and systems work have left it open to abuse and so much hell... Fathers for Justice? I understand what you are saying, but i wholeheartedly believe there are good dads out there who need that help. I just wish we had some support
Hi everyone, after dealing with an abusive ex, police, CAFCASS, orders, acts and the courts etc etc, I am very passionate about this cause.
Lizzielaw and just me, you said that you would like more information and support, what sort of information could an organisation like One Space provide?? Do you have suggestions for articles that I could get written by a legal advisor?
Since starting this site in 2008, we seem to come up again and again with abusive fathers using courts to get access to our children. Since I was in court 12 years ago, I think judges, police and CAFCASS have all had a lot of training about DV, however there is still little understanding of the impact on a womans mental health, logic and wellbeing. If you have been controlled and conditioned to 'do right' by someone else, you lose a sense of yourself and decision making abilities, therefore trust that 'professionals' know the answers and will give good advice, but get let down time and time again.
I would have to disgree, we have fought and have a scraping of an apology from social services.... we were not believed and the treatment has and is shocking, also the sheer amount mistakes i recently discovered.... i don't want to use this site to be negative as i know not all proffessionals behave in the way i have had to experiance and totally reccommend that the correct procedure is followed with integrity... What do i want?To know i am not alone, to share my experiances but i am cautious of divulging exactly what has happened... I have contacted your legal advisor whom i am sure is busy!!
hiya my message seemed to av disapeared lol well professionals are alot better dealin with dv,but, like my soliciter sayin i musnt of bin terrified of my ex as i kept contactin him, but they dont seem to understand hold these men av on u, yes i kept takin him back, last thing i need is my solicter avin ago at me ino they av to hard in sum ways,but we dont need tht we bin thru enuf and police are same sum are sympethetic sum arntx
Hi keira im also from the northwest ...i too have been treated for anxiety and i can fully understand why you in your situation would need that too its just awful isnt it !!!
lizzielaw i agree fully and it was through constant searching to try and get information that i came across this site ... i think there are good fathers out there who som women have used their children to get at them ... but i feel we are now all ignored and that the law caters more for them than actually listening to mothers with real concerns even when theirs evidence
Anna the last sentences you have just written speak exactly what i have been through and feel i also agree DV is taken more seriously but at the same time i do think what a women who is still going through the trauma of what happened, still raising children and then going through court and facng brickwalls and there is nobody out there who will speak to you take you through step by step what to expect or what rights you have .. i have tried various helplines who all seem unable to give advice if you have a solicitor instructed .. i feel that if i had money id be able to fight my daughters corner instead its what they say goes .....i think abusive fathers are more likely to take a woman to court to keep the control going rather than for access xx
i really want to do something positive... maybe start a campaign highlight these terrible issues .. i believe that something serious needs to be done to help women who like me are just thrown into the lion pit the fact that my ex with all he has done can have access makes me wonder what the hell these fathers who climbed up buckingham palace had done to be denied !!! xx
http://www.speakoutloud.net/category/tactics-of-abuse
just found this kiera if its of any interest i think with what your solicitor said x
im from nr manchester, well my ex played alot miund games he seriously messed with my head,lettin me down altym then when i ended it he harassed me left roses and posted long letters thru my door, so id av him bk then he wud let me down again then id bcum upset angry, tht appened for months, i didnt understand it i do now tho, and all tym he ad a family, he really messed with my head , he is evilxx
Hello just me
It sounds to me as if you feel very let down by your legal adviser and not at all listened to. I suggest you drop a line to our own Legal Expert (click) asking what they suggest as the way forward...and let us know how you get on