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I have started a new thread to finish the ending to my escape
I have achieved an amazing amount of thing I have kept my children set up a new home and gained so much knowledge With the help of loads of people that have helped us
...
I need a bit of hand holding to get me through the last bit Im feeling lost
It's just me and my kids, that's what I'm struggling with having no family
I feel like I'm regreting leaving but it's not him I want it's the 'him' I wish he was
He is being a nasty b*****d but I'm missing the family life not him
So now what? What's next I'm lost
X
Yes, you HAVE done it. We are very proud of you and hope you are feeling proud of yourself 
Great new thread.
I know what you mean about the him you thought he was. This is one of my favourite poems, by Wendy Cope:
I can't forgive you....even if I could
You wouldn't pardon me for seeing through you
And yet I cannot cure myself of love
For what I thought you were, before I knew you
Does this sum it up?
Of course we are still here to hold your hand. Don't expect too much of yourself. Remember that Hidden Hurt website and all the things it said on ther about feelings.
Hi IDT, I love this thread too! It shows how far you have really come, it is all small steps from here on in.
You are feeling lost, this in time will change. You have to make the mental shift of what the future will look like, I presume you imagined you and him together as grandparents, whereas now perhaps the future holds lots of friends and their children, sharing their lives with you and yours.
Don't expect too much of yourself. Everything will come. In 5 years time you will look back and be amazed at the progress you have made and how completely different your life looks copmpared to today.
OK, so how would you like to see yourself, your children, your home, your work etc in 5 years time? Dare to dream! 
Hi Anna
I have a defined picture in my mind of our future I have an aim and I will get there because I'm determined
I want to move home, I am going to re train at college etc etc but I do have a plan of how to get to what I want x
I think I'm a bit frustrated and it's misplaced I think since I was 17 iv been a SAHM and here I am doing the same as I have two littlies at home where as there's no one holding me back now but nothings changed in that sense I'm not moaning at all I love them to bits and I could be sat without them now I'm just eager for a new experience.
So for now I'm a bit lost ? What do I do etc I just need patience and I don't have any!
Yes IDT, patience is the answer here!! You and your children have gone through huge upheavals recently. The future is yours for the taking, but how about taking each day as it comes.
We need to teach our children to be patient and to do that we have to be role models.
So how about setting some small tasks. Whether it is clearing out a cupboard, decorating a room, researching college courses or enrolling on a local one, start swimming with your little ones or do something that you never thought you would. Once you start doing little new things, you will be surprised at the knock on effect.
So please one day at a time and with a smile. What courses are running at the Childrens Centre? Are you still going?
Hi Anna, shell I just write on this thread now and not my old one, it might get confusing ;)
Good idea thankyou for some small tasks to do,
Well it sounds a good idea to just use this thread now, IDT
How are you this morning? And what tasks might you choose?
Sorry I feel so upset today, I'm trying to keep it together I am
Confused again
Whats wring with me?
Oh posts crossed sorry, aww I am sad to hear that you are feeling like this, is it NORMAL but you must feel very confused with the rollercoaster of emotions. When you are recovering from anything major, whether bereavement or an abusive relationship, you get these days....you just think you have stepped forward a lot then BAM a backward step. I honestly think you just have to say OK it's a bad day, and ried with it and know that the good feelings will come again
Thanks Louise Why do we do it to ourselves Why did I leave .... I should of gave him another chance ... Maybe he'll change Errrrr it's all a load of b****s he's a tw*t and I'm free but iv spent my life in a prison having his kids like some breeding machine producing ball and chains in his eyes when I was fooled he loved me ha it's joke he's not capable of loving no but himself Now I'm just here with 5 little people trying to lern how to help and contact to them I feel very isolated, vunrable and alone today I feel worried but don't know why I feel like iv got nothing I wanna feel safe again but I know I wasn't with him but u feel it If I had brothers or sisters people around me I'd be better, I was as a child extremely insecure spent time at school looking in on other kids so he's been my world no wonder I clung to him he gave me security I always craved Then I grew some balls and left Now I'm left with what? Sorry u see the mood I'm I need to vent today
I think you're right, he did seem to give you the security, you were vulnerable. And this is a good place to vent
What are you left with, you ask? I could give you the answer "five beautiful children, seven in fact, although five living with you" and I know you would agree with me, but that is no consolation at the moment as the children feel like (and indeed are!) a lot of responsibility for you. Yes it IS about building your new family setup to be a strong unit but some days are just BLEURGH and that's ok. Go with it, and you will ride the storm, no-one can be strong all the time 
All the negatives are staring at me today
Like I have no confidence at all
And how scared I am if a man comes near me ;( Etc bla bla de bla
Awww Imdoingthis, I hope you heard Louise's message? We all get down days, this is just one of those and you can choose how you deal with it.....
With pain/fear "I have no one, my life is awful, I messed up, I am such a fool, he was right, I love him, I miss him, I'm stupid for feeling like this"
or
With love/acceptance "I feel pants, but I know that everything will turn out ok, but today I am just going to do what I need then curl up and do something that I want to, tomorrow is another day"
It is easy for us to say these things, but it really does help to try and change your thought patterns, you have had some good days and you recognise that don't you? So let yourself have a bad day. Rome wasn't built in a day - Patience IDT - Patience and time to HEAL.
having a sh*t time sorry for deleting
Sorry to hear you are having a rubbish time, IDT. Can we help?
Hi Louise I don't really know, I think I just need to carry on regardless in the direction I am I was doing ok wasn't I x
Hi IDT, you were doing really well, from what we could gather! Really well and you have been a great support to Bonkers too.
I know you don't like talking too much on these boards, but please tell us what is going on if you want to.
I have been really proud of the way you have handled yourself and the court process and everything else. You have been taking steps to improve yours and your childrens life. It is not easy and unfortunately every day throws something else into the mix, don't listen to what anyone else says, believe in your heart that you are doing the right thing, but it takes time.
Thankyou for what you've written above ;) I loved writing on these boards it was a huge support for me because I could talk my true feeling and events and gain the advice/ support I needed so badly, now I'm a bit stuck sometimes x
I'm a bit stuck now.
Sometimes in the past iv almost hinted at something silly but iv wanted to write it but was stuck.
Often I chew things over to long ti the frustration of people too bit that's me,
Anyway I'm chewing right now :) thanks x
Well we are here to talk to.
Hope today is a better day, have you got anything planned with the kids today?
Thankyou,
Its just a bad situation that I'm now in that iv created maybe I feel stuck as in with him there's so many reasons to keep stum it's not right it's not ment to be like this but it's reality
I don't expect them to believe me
It's a mess really but you know all this
He's been texting me today with his sarcastic messages,
It's a mess that can be cleaned up ...don't you dare think that you created this ,why are you in this position today ? Because of what HE done ,not you .......
Be strong hun ..you are a fighter ..a warrior ,and we are right behind you in your battle !
;)
Thankyou bonkers
I think my actions were a direct result of his behaviour I had no choice.
Xx
He's Gomez nuts ;(
He'll be k x
Oh god it's been horrid.
whats up hun ? are you ok ? x
Morning IDT how are things, what did you mean when you said he was Gomez nuts?
Sorry I got scared I never do the right thing, I went out last night with friends and had some trouble but everything's fine x
Onwards and upwards ;)
He was texting me while I was out, the baby fitted when he was with him then he wassayinh his medication was wrong
He's sarcastic trying to outsmart me all the time he blanks me then I get strings of messages for hours, I'm sure he's put something on my phone to track me :-/ he knows to much and he's un nerving me again he says things like I know, well how does he know
Almost feel today like iv made a mistake by leaving, I carnt believe I just wrote that, my kids I want them to gave a proper home with a dad.
I still have feelings for him too which the strange thing is they seem to off been hiding iv felt knum towards him for so long now just felt nothing and now I feel warm towards him ? This is all so stupid I stud slap myself I need it today, he's getting weird again and I want him , yep that makes sense don't it :-/
I met a man last night but feel like running miles I panic with other men.
Need to get this out my head maybe I'll feel better now ;)
Hope you do, IDT, remember the poem I left for you the other day,that was saying how hard it is NOT to have feelings.
You could think about having another SIM card or even another phone and telling him your current phone will only be on during the time he has the children? Then leave that at home when you go out.
Must have been worrying about the baby too, poor you, BIG HUG tonight
Hi yes the poems good I find it odd iv had no feelings to him now there ariving in this way makes it harder to deal with.
Little mans ok now but it was a bad fit for him normally means he really got upset or hurt but he's fine now.
I'm x
Take care of you and your boy. I know things are hard, and feelings are confusing. I guess it feels something along the lines of "right we have done all the official court stuff so we can get back to normal, ie me loving him" What is hard to get your head round is that now there is a NEW normal...does that sound right?
Yes I think you summed it up well thankyou x I also feel like ok I'm strong now I'm back to myself so I can handle him now, I handled him fine the other night.
This is the problem I need someone that keeps me in my toes it's never boring with him.
I still no it's wrong though because when I stood up to him we end up fighting and that's no good for my kids.
I need to move on x
You ARE moving on, IDT, it is just that it is a slow process, and that is fine and normal. If you read back over your posts of the last couple of weeks you will see the ups and the downs and on the next down, it is worth reminding yourself that it will not last and the up will come again
I just don't know what to do feel so confused still, I feel like I could be making a huge mistake in contacting him.
My head is seriously fucked up right now I just carnt carry on like this but I don't know
He's not promising to change he's not even being particularly nice
I know this sounds so weak and shit, I carnt put it into words properly and that's not like me, my kids need so much they drain every bit of me.
In fact nothings changed when I think bout it got bruises and cut on knuckle but what I got that's better
I need some help I'm so messed up ;(
Is the site down ?
Yeah I think it is bonkers
Yeah x
Seems it was bonkers
What happened it posted mine quite a lot :-/
Hello IDT the site was down, I have just been able to get on. Your duplicate posts have been sorted.
You sound really low at the moment and you're right, looking after the kids is tiring enough without all this.
I know I have asked you this before and maybe you weren't in that right place just then but I am known for being a famous NAG so here it is again, I do think that you could have a look at asking for a volunteer from Home Start to give you some support and help. It would be like having an auntie for the kids, and another grown up for you to lean on too.
You sound really,really tired and I hope you can get a decent rest tonight, deep breaths and some rubbish TV and tomorrow is another day. Keep telling yourself "I am doing well, I am doing well" even when you doubt it is true.
I am tired but mentally worn out of going around with him I'm stuck the kids are at a demanding stage I have had a volunteer from before court my sw mate made me call up but I'm to proud to let her do oat except jaw her to death I want to be happy right now I'm so the oposit I'm a f*cking nightmare I know I am
hi im doin this how are u hun, how are kids,ive bin feelin down last few days, wish i was bloody happy, but im not, i am in front of people tho, il b happy when court over and ex gets no contact then il b happy, wot bout u hunx
Hi kera I carnt wait for your court to be over too, i understand that feeling of it hanging over you but you will get there Hun x
I'm doing rubbish iv tried really hard but I don't know what's going wrong but loads of things keep going wrong
My two year old is really demanding he wakes at about 5 ish and won't leave my side all day, he won't play on his own for a bit, he's not talking either so he screams for what he wants
I'm trying to loose the dummy bottle and iv got them both to potty train at the same time along with the puppy who still ant house trained
Sorry moan over
What u up to today kiera x
hi hun my little girl is 2 half and very demanding, she ad me up at 2am ish, so didnt get bk sllep for ages, then sshe as me up really early,she paddys,screams at me, throws things, i av go in another room to calm down, and yeah im potty trainin to, she wont poo in potty but she asked to wee on the toilet and she actually did wee on the toilet, she is like tomboy tho, then other times she so loving, she says hug and sorry mama love u aw, not doin anythin today, prob walk shop, waitin on doctor get bk to me, see if results av cum in for ct scan for my eldest son, worryin, and to think he hurt himself while avin siezure, awfulx
Will be thinking about you, it is upsetting Hun when they hurt themselves my sons quite little so does not normally hurt himself like your son but as he grows I guess it's something I will have to deal with, he bits his lip normally makes it bleed or his tongue
We were told it was epilepsy at first now there saying it's RAS (reflex anoxic seizure) but that triggers an epileptic seizure but he's not epileptic ?? But I'm still recording them for the doctor and he's having tests too x
Keep strong honey I know you can xx
Hi IDT, you still have a lot of things going on. In a years time you will be able to look back and see how far you have come, but at the moment, you are expecting miracles.
It sounds as though when you were out the other night your ex was texting you. I am wondering in the future if you can send him one text saying that he needs to contact the hospital if he is concerned about the children. This might sound harsh, but I am wondering if he is using your motherly love to try and control you/be in your life?
Then I read how awful you were feeling the next day and my first reaction was - alcohol...
I am really aware of how much alcohol plays on my emotions, only yesterday I was feeling a bit tearful and I couldn't figure out why, then I remembered that I had been drinking Saturday lunchtime - not a huge amount - only a couple of glasses, but realised that this was what it was.
Alcohol stays in our body for up to 4 days and really affects our emotions and our ability to think 'straight', so I am wondering if that is why you were suddenly feeling 'all over the place?'
How are you today?
It wasn't alcohol Anna and I don't take drugs.
I know what you mean it does effect you in lots of ways x
Hi IDT, how are you doing today?
Life sounds pretty exhausting for you at the moment, are you doing to any Easter holiday activities this week?
Hi Anna, I'm ok
We have been to a play centre, out for dinner, went into town and treated them today.
Hey that sounds good! They have had a good time then!
How are you feeling? Still rocky? Have you heard from him?
Hello IDT. I love your new thread title by the way.
You're right, you have achieved an amazing amount. You've battled through some scary times, and come through the other end.
You're now asking what next? In my opinion, after everything you've been, and still going through, I would give yourself time to recover from it all. Concentrate on just you and the children for now.