This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
It sounds as if you have two things going on...your head know what you "should feel" and your heart knows that you actually don't quite feel that way yet. I would hold off on the potty training if I were you for the time being.
The thing about the volunteer, yes you're right IT IS SO HARD to ask for help isn't it? but wow you have been to the moon and back and I reckon you need to cut yourself a bit of slack 
Hi IDT, I totally understand how confusing it feels to want someone who has hurt you so badly and continues to manipulate you. This feeling takes time to go away as time moves on, as you meet new people and have new experiences and start to feel more positive about yourself.
My heart used to feel sooo broken over my ex, for probably a couple of years after we finally finally split and still after that I would occasionally pine after him, wonder what he was up to etc, if he was with anyone new. When he did get with someone new, I was soo jealous and then I felt really protective over her once I had met her, she was a lot younger than me and lovely. She had the police on him within 18months (she obviously was smarter than me too!)
However now, I can honestly say that if he or someone similar to him ie characteristics came along, there is no way I would even contemplate even going there. No thank you....I have grown and I am a different woman now.
Can you tell us a bit about him having extra contact with the baby? Didn't the court arrange access dates and times?
Louise I am hard on myself, the volunteer says that I will think iv failed if say she walks in and I left the pots or not hovered but I am better if I'm on top of my house,I get fed up if it's a mess, I can do toy mess though ;) when I think about it it's all comes from him , does it?
You made me feel better Anna that I'm not alone in wanting him, I thought I was odd cos it's not rational, Last week it threw a spanna in the mix again and confused me because he'd been ok but then I learnt from way back I think on here? That I associated him 'kicking off' with him loving me, he wouldn't do it of I didn't love me I know it's rubbish but these things are deep x
Court set out contact yes, I agreed to an exra overnight and full day for him just the baby as he'd asked, I did think about it and there were reasons for me agreeing it I can never make a decision because iv never had chance to so I figured I need to start trusting myself because I think that's why so although I'm unsure etc I still made a decision x
And thankyou to both of you x
It's great to see you taking a decision IDT, and you are right when you identify the reason you feel as you do, Anna has described it very well and it is good that she can reassure you about how you are feeling.
I get what you are saying about the house. Here are my two sneaky tips. Firstly, when the pots have built up and you have neither the time nor the energy, just run a bowl of hot water with washing up liquid in and put a load of them into soak. This looks neater and as if you have started them! and soaking them means they are pretty easy to wash. Sometimes I even go back 20 mins later, wash the ones that are in the bowl and pop the next lot in for their soaking heh heh. Tip number two is leave the hoover out...once again if someone comes in, it looks as if you were just about to do it. And I reckon you are right that you have worries about these things because he had a bad reaction to any mess in the past?
Thanks for your tips Louise ;) side does look better free from pots! It is easier with so many children if I'm on top of things just as it soon builds up and then makes it harder but I need to relax a bit maybe ;)
It's like he's moulded me to who he wanted and finding your own values etc is quite hard but I keep questioning myself think g hmm do I really think this lol
I took the children swimming yesterday and did have some fun with them at last ;)
I have lots of work to do with them and undoing to do
They are very materalostic kids
They don't respect me at all
Iys nice to have younger ones to teach now, I can save these five the older two are lots to him x
Hi IDT, I like Louise's tips! I have to say I have never really had that problem, once I split with my ex, I relished in bieing messy for a few years, however I did only have one child, not as many as you!
You have been moulded, partly to suit him and partly to what you 'thought' suited him and although this is a daunting time, it is also a very exciting and interesting time. Finding out who you are! I think there is a lot more to you than you can see right now, I see the way you respond to people and wonder if it is the same person! I think it is great that you are questioning everything, I remember doing the same thing! Even things like saying 'I am such a stupid cow because xyz', I would NEVER describe myself in that way now EVER!
I am so pleased to read that you 'had some fun' - excellent news! It does all come to those who wait (and are patient!! 
)
I think that you as a family are on a new journey, I wonder if you would consider going to a parenting programme? I really rate them, they really helped my relationship with my daughter.
I think once your own confidence and respect for yourself has grown, you will then demand more from your children and children love respect and boundaries, it makes them feel safe and secure.
PS. Well done for taking time out and making sure that the decision for your youngest to have extra contact was Your decision 
Ha I think you were right about being patient ;) thing is I carnt rush some things can I !
I think I kinda know what you mean about me, iv been told lots of things I don't believe them by professionals and suchlike iv also been told that what I see is not how it is at all, I think they wanted to shake me at one point because I truly believed things like my house was filthy etc I thought if he comes here now and sees that hell flip etc it's was not filthy ot was washing on a side or a cup left out
My sw mate said that if I meet a new man that respects me then the children will truly respect me cos they have never seen another person show me respect, I have no family he vanished my friends, so there was no one but him ? I am starting to think of me better when we first moved here I wouldn't give myself a bedroom or a bed I had a quilt and slept on the floor or sofa so I know what you mean about calling yourself as I have now bought a bed :)
Thankyou for pushing me forward in the right direction x
Hurray, you got yourself a bed, and it is your OWN bed!! 
Well yes the children would take their cue from a respectful bloke but I reckon there is a lot YOU can do with our support in the meantime, and let's face it, it is about you and the kids. But having fun seems to me to be top priority right now, it was so hard for you to relax through all those years and now you are starting to learn how to! so...I am glad you went swimming. Things like games together and trips to the park, all these things can be fun for you all, and if you do feel a bit anxious about the house, I reckon getting out of it will do you good. Anna' right, how exciting to have the opportunity now to find out who you really and what you want to do.
Morning ... Pots are soaking
It's like your holding back all the time with my kids, in case 'I do something wrong' or we enjoy ourself he didnt like us laughing or having fun, school holidays we had to still get up cos he was up for work, we had to be back in the house for three , shook time with it immaculate sooo this summer holidays will be fun its like learning to 'let go'to be myself with the kids and it's scary, but exciting too like one of you said.
It's like going back to being that naughty teenager breaking the mould and staying out 'late' with the kids.
Iv been trying to pull the children together I understand kids fall out, but there was no sibling connection no looking out for one another if one was hurt or being picked on etc it's always been high competition between them and I know it's partly cos there's a few of them, so just pulling us together as a family, my sons hard, I had a thought and I think I need to change something, I'm very sarcastic sence of humor and generally like if a cup gets spilt, I'd say yeah well done G great one and clap, I think it's not helping cos there starting to do it tap hand it's just me though,
heheh Pots in Soak is the way to go
Yes I see what you mean. It will take a while to get used to the new way of going on, I reckon. Maybe the thing you mentioned about clapping your hands and saying well done, maybe you could try saying oh dear the cup is broken, whoops, let's clear it up (the first time you say it you will be like WHAAAAT?) but you can create new ways of being, and save the clapping for praise things like when they have done a good picture or heldp to clear up? baby steps...
Thankyou yes baby steps I need reminding I'm getting used to baby steps I think x
Just got to be ready for if he gets on it and I hit the floor ;) he's not going to do that to me any more iv got to stop allowing him the pleasure x
Yep, being prepared is a good plan , what could you do to prepare?
Not to sure really, Apart from emotionally blocking out the twunt which involves becoming emotional knum again which involves pitting up a wall again which at presant I'm trying to lower
Going to the police is out of question.
Wa would result in above
I reason my solicitor
What do you think Louise?
Well, I was thinking that "being prepared" might translate as "how do I cope if he starts his tricks again" and if that is the case then I think blocking out is good. I dont know if you ever saw that Ready Brek porridge advert a few years ago, but the kid eats the porridge and he gets a red glow around him. Whenever I feel scared or vulnerable, I imagine I have a glow round me too that will protect me from emotional hurt (of course if physical hurt is on the cards then it WOULD be the police) but verbal and emotional stuff, it is about you not responding, of not allowing him to stress you out and saying to yourself "I am better than this!" What might help you in this endeavour is knowing that if you KEEP ON doing this, in the end he WILL give up, it is a test of your nerve.
Hello IDT
I'm new to the site so I don't know your full story but I read your posts and I could identify with some of what you're feeling so I wanted to offer you my support. I left my ex almost 3 and 1/2 years ago. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made and for months afterwards I felt like you do, did I make the right decision, maybe he'll change if I give him one more chance etc.
I just wanted you to know you won't always feel this way! In the last couple of years I've done so much. My daughter started school so I did too! I did one short course with the Open University which turned into another and another and now I'm only a few months away from having an honours degree! Not only has studying given me back the confidence my ex took away but it gave me something to concentrate on in the early days of the split. Eventually it might lead to a real career which I would never have had if I'd stayed in an unhappy marriage.
For now, concentrate on you and your children and take one day at a time. If he's constantly texting or calling you and this is upsetting for you then tell him to only contact you if its about the children - set the ground rules and stick to them. If he continues to call you turn your phone off. Remind yourself you don't have to deal with his drama any more. When you're feeling down try not to hide yourself away, which is often easier than facing people. Make sure you spend time with friends and family who love you - they will probably be really happy to help you throught difficult times.
I know it doesn't sound like much right now when things are difficult but you are not alone and things will get better. One day you will look back and realise, like I do, that you made the best decision. I wish you and your children all the best x
Hi and thankyou Glad to know I'm not the only one, it's that feeling of having nothing really and I think I sway in and out of enjoy g the positive things to not having him here like my freedom I can please myself etc to wanting him. I think it is a very hard decision it was for me but something just clicked one day I'd had enough I'd given him a chance let him back in the family home think he was on bail I gave him an inch he took a mile,he'd given me something and I slept for hours and hours, woke couldn't get up but could here them All couldn't talk, everything was in slow state it was scary moment of my life it is extremely frightening f*ck that's upset me writing that , sorry not made sense ,while he was downstairs with the children so that was decision made really after that. I am inspired by your degree well done what is it a degree in ? Not saying I'll go get a degree but if I can focus on something it will keep me going, I get mentally board! Thankyou for your post it's helped x Oh and welcome on board nice to have you join us x
Hi IDT, it is surprising when things that we had almost forgotten about, rise up when we are talking about something and then we feel the full impact.
It must have been very frightening when your ex slipped you something, but when you feel overcome with fear or upset now, just take a moment to bring yourself back to the present. Right here, right now, remind yourself that you are safe. You don't want to spend the rest of the day reliving those feelings. Acknowledge them then move forward.
Yeah I don't think I want to go there no point best buried
I'd rather move on talking about that with anyone isn't going to help I don't believe x
Louise i liked your idea of imagining you have the ready brek glow, will have to try that one.
IDT i think your right not to dwell on this, but it maybe good to go talk to someone about what happened too you and how this made you feel, what i think Anna was suggesting is a technique so that you don't get stuck in those feelings of reliving that time, as they will just bring you down, and we know how hard you are trying to maintain being positive.
Do they run any courses at your local children's centre that would interest you IDT?
Sally I understand what you and Anna mean it would be easy to let those thoughts bring me down? I wanted to get help with the certain part of the relationship and the sw did too she got me numbers to call( she called but they said it was best if I did) and I had follow up letters from topaz centre offering me counceling there but court was top priority and now I'm scared to re visit what's in that box I'm safe, it carnt hurt me were it is but it will hurt if I unbury it.I don't know I'm unsure tbh.
I don't know about the courses I think I'll have a look maybe well there's no chrech at my nearest one but further afield were I did freedom p there's one thanks.
I think iv been stuck for so long and now I'm just starting to move on so I think I need to not look back ATM do you know what I mean x
Hi can someone please tell me at what point a solicitor or simler are ment to act and step in if the care of a parent is of concern, is there a line what's the line ?
I'm asking because mt reality feels shot again, all the way through this it has x
Hi IDT, I am sorry to hear that you are raising this question.
Have you spoken to your solicitor? Are you not feeling supported by them? Here is a telephone advice line from Rights of Women offering
Family law advice on issues including:
Call 020 7251 6577 (telephone) on Mondays between 11am-1pm, Tuesdays and Wednesdays between 2pm-4pm and 7pm-9pm, Thursdays between 7pm-9pm and Fridays between 12noon-2pm
They may be able to help.
Lets leave the counselling issue for the moment and deal with what is going on now.
You can and will deal with whatever is going on at the moment, your ex will be probably trying to assert his authority and control over you and the children. You are in control of how you respond to this. Try and focus on love and protection of your children, rather than any fear or lack of confidence.
We all believe in you. Give that number above a call and let us know how you get on.
Thanks Anna that's helpful I will call tomorrow
I'm just out letting steam this morning feeeew breathe I'm just ranting ok I need this bail back to be over, I'm a bear with a sore head iv had a headache 3 days running This situation that's been created needs ending, I actaly hate the police right now and that's harsh but its giving so much grief this mans not invincible but he's having a damn f*** good go right now, fewww breathe I know I must of done something wrong if I'm on bail but I haunt just iv held my hands up to the truth and bring it on He's destroyed my help again that's sad. And the sick perv cares for our daughter my baby it breaks my freking heart I love her to bits x
Hello IDT glad we are here to let off steam to. It's awful when your head just won't clear.
It just must feel so devastating that no matter what you do, there he is with a counter-move, like a scary game of chess.
You're doing great and once the bail matter is out of the way, things will feel easier. Police bail seems to drag out with repeat visits to the police station and it feels to me that this is a punishment in itself.
School tomorrow and a bit more time for you...are the children with you today?
I'm on bail for 3 months, longer than him for things that left with horrid aftermath were is the police going
I got locked up for hours
Police are clueless sometimes I wont be talking to them in future this is last draw for me it's broke the last bit of faith I had left
My kids are back Tuesday in starting to have that glazed over look today ...
Yes I understand that about the bail stuff, people I have known usually have a monthly "report-in" system. So annoying. Sorry your eyes are glazed over. Hope the day pans out better..I am tempted to nag you to do something nice for you but understand when you are in a low place then maybe it is just too much to contemplate. Remember your advice to another member: an hour at a time if that's all that you can manage, BIG HUG.
If I didn't have the children I think I get plastered today it's one of those days, but I have the children so caffiene and cigarettes will have to do for now :-/
I think your right about the scary game of chests so if I don't play he has no one to play with
He's not clever but he's cunning
Hi IDT, how are you doing today?
Thankyou Sally
I am all over the place, I don't know iv had some really good days, I had trouble with him and I want bail to end
I'm a bit not sure iv not posted cos I don't know what to put, maybe that's a good thing i don't know iv not drunk either I haunt wanted or needed it now iv recked it.
I'm sorry to hear that your feeling all over the place, but it is fairly normal for someone that has been through what you have to be up and down emotionally, as time goes on your good days will more than your down days.
Are you able to talk things over with your WA worker?
Thankyou
I don't have here any more she's closed now, Anna said before that I can still call her and I said yes but shell die if I do she's only just got rid of me
hi hun how are u, u not bin to gud, how are kidsx
IDT, you jolly well call your WA worker if you need to, it is her job! I know you have been signed off, however you still need support. In some cases you may be able to re open your file with her and continue to get support through this next phase, as I believe your situation is an extreme one.
Did you try out that number from Rights of Women?
Thankyou Anna, I would like to manage if I can without her I feel awkward contacting her but I know that shed been fine if I did and mad if I needed her and didn't contact her, I'm fine ATM maybe foolishly in a false sense of security as it's calm now.
I don't feel very normal seriously I don't, the whole situations insain.
Hi kiera I'm ok thanks just a bit stressed out I think, kids are good too x
How's things your end? X
Life is quite often 'insane' for a lot of us, IDT - we just don't say so!
If you need to call your WA worker, do. I know she'll be there for you. As Anna says, it's her job (and there is always room for an extention of services, especially in ongoing circumstances such as yours) x
Sorry Mary I didn't realize.
Nothing to apologise for, IDT. But mental health is a fragile thing & I've certainly had times when mine has been questionable. Most counsellors say the same
I don't understand what you mean
I don't know any one who is in the best of mental health at all times - and as a trained counsellor, I can say that myself and most of my colleagues have suffered from depression at some point in our lives. We wouldn't have a good idea of how our clients experience life without our own recollections of 'bad' times x
Ok I'm gonna not post x
I think everyone feels they 'don't fit in' at some point - and it can be especially hard when you've gone through massive upheaval or change.
Only 'shut up' if you want to - you are very welcome to continue posting on the forums here.
hi im doin g this are u ok, wots wrong, i hope u wil keep posting on here, i will mess chatin with u , message me x
IDT, I'm not sure what's gone on here, but it seems you've misunderstood what I was saying - I'm sorry for not being clearer.
If you read my last post on this thread, you'll see that I said you should only 'shut up' if you want to.
No one can decide if you should or shouldn't post apart from you x
Hiya IDT, it was good to read that you are feeling fine at the moment, but you are also wondering if it is because everything is 'quiet' I so remember that one, you just long for everything to remain like this, but you kind of know deep down, that it probably won't. This is natural human behaviour, you are remaining 'on guard'.
You said that you don't feel normal and that the whole situation is insane, well I have to agree with you. I think, as I have said before, that once you are out of an extreme situation such as yours, you start to see other things that have gone on and can become quite overwhelmed with how serious things had become, so I am not surprised that you are not feeling 'normal' right now.
I am glad that you know that you can ring WA woman and that she would be there for you and also that you know she would be mad if you needed her and didn't contact her.
I think that you can trust yourself to reach out as and when you need her. You have mentioned to others on here about reaching out to any and everyone when you need help - that is what I did and that is how I moved forward - so although you might initially want your time to be done looking for help/support, Do Not hide away from it either.
The experiences that you have had can take at least a couple of years to recover from and as these years pass, you will need different types of help too.
Don't stop posting
hi im doin this please message me, like u i was o edge for ages after ended it with ex,when evrythin was quiet i stil felt on edge, nothin seems normal againxreally do ope u are okx
I don't know what to write I'm sorry I'm completely fine everything's fine thankyou kiera it's scary isn't it x
No worries! Hope you are enjoying the sun at the moment, it is glorious here, wish I was out in it!
I could do with a hand to hold please it's all rushing through my mind so fast but now I just need a hand holding xx thankyou x
I feel like " what was all that about " like what Louise said I think I can fix it but deep down I know I carnt.
I know what I'm doing and thinking is wrong or misplaced and so I feel confused still I am still loving this man and wishing to be with him x
I know what I'm feelings wrong, I know he won't change I carnt have what I want, well you know what I mean but that makes him all the more desirable :( because I carnt have him
I have talked to him iv agreed to extra contact for the baby
This is all wrong but I have to be a 'big girl now' in other words I should grow up and grow some ;)