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yes 16months old very young, my ex was sayin yes i she wudnt even go to mediation, tryin make me look bad, but i wasnt allowed to go to mediation cos of the dv, or he said and i left presents at my soliicters but she refused to take um, even tho i got advised by my soliicter not to take um, but judges saw thru him,thank god, and he said ss are happy with his family, but cafacss said well thts not entirly true they are monitering his family and him with him smokin canabis, what as ur soliciter said to ux
i feel exactly the same, aparently they are so perfect adn his daughter 6 months younger than our daughter, yet he let me down alot and harassed me,it is upsetting, i no exactly how u feelx
well one of my solicitors said they thoughtit looked hoefull but again im not sure aboutthis judge, did you have screens in court hun? x
he,s said im the aggresive on eturned everytihn back on to me wont admitt to absouloutly any thing, but i have the messages of him being racially abusive and saying he hit me cos i moaned so hopefully that will show he,s lieing on things and the,ll realise he lieing on the rest, he even said i held a kinife to my stomach when i was pregnant cos he threatnd to leave me im worried they,ll believe him , it neva happend , he broke a mirror and i was cleaning it up and he turned and said to me what you gona do now kill the bXXXXd inside of you he so evil x
well i cud of dun but said no,and i was realy meant to av bin interogated by his soliicter but my soliicter spoke to judge and decided it wud b to much for me, so he didnt even spk to me, his soliicter kept repaeatin himself, even judge told he to hurry up and get on with it ,upsettin ex said he punche dme once in face when i new it was twice, wish i ad pictures of my face after the attack,show them,he said she ad scratch, tht made me even more upset, x
my ex tried turnin on m,e he said and one time she threw a lucozade bottle to my head, which i did, cos again he ad let me down and he was smirkin at me, but judges didnt seem interested in wot he ad to say, and he said she didnt like me working, load crap, he never cum ome at all, he failed to mention tht,i ad sit there and cudnt say shit,my ex evil get as well, feel sorry for his kids x
wil it b last hearin for u hun in octoberx
they,ll be a final after that apparently , i wish i didnt have to give evidence x
i no hun it isnt nice, mayb like me ur not upto it, mayb ur solicter wil spk to judge like mine did, i ad to get up and spk on oath i swear to tell truth etc and i said wot i wnated my ex to do, tht he needs to prove himself and go away and do all the work he as to do, cos i need to no my daughter is safe,and then i sat down, woman judge was really nice, three were 3 judges x
im just having one judge , was yours bench of magistrates i think its better if thrre more than one cos then it not just down to one persons opinion x
yes a bench of magistrates, 2 women and 1 manx i sat in corner with 2 trainee solicters, i went on my own, and sat in room on my own, wasnt nice, x
i just not sure about this judge x
because she or he isnt specialised in domestic violence, do u ever see ur ex, mean does he live near ux do u av non molestation order so he doesnt cum nr ux
yea where the one it was supposed to be have really alot of interest in dv she,d even written books on it, no he doesnt live near me he wouldnt come round now any wy got his happy lil family aint he and he proper hating on me , he did turn up a few months back but told him to go away , and it was just after tht he published his new relationship x
im worried cos i cant remember how all of the arguments started which led to assaults on me so much happend so when i give evidence and im like i cant remember certain stuff they might think im making it up like he,s trying to say x
one thiung led to another arguments went on for weeks x
i no what u mean, tht many things av appended sumtimes i cant remember, i remember everythin tho when he attacked me abroad,did u call police out, idid 18 times, cant believe it was tht many times,x
i was scared to call police when i was preg was saced they would take baby off me but then when it all came to a head the police got called but he wasnt charged cos i refused to put in statement again cos of fear of what would happen i just wanted it all over thats why he,s denying it , but i also attended a dv agency a month before police got called and got a letter from them for evidence but he tried to say i did that to try an get a new house , i regret now not taking action when i did and regret not doing more but i was such a mess and so scared hosptal records confirmed bite /sting t thumb and strangulation but he saying bothing was mentioned about this by police , police basically didnt do anything cos wasnt enough evidence to go on he saying im just trying to ruin his life and delibaratly stop hi mseeing baby x
but he did have a previous conviction remenber of assault on me but there saying they aint interested in that cos he already got convicted its what happned after that they want to hear evidence on x
mad these men seem say same things, my ex said i was milkin it cos victum support cum and put new locks on for me, and put alarms on all my windows, and a l;ight in my garden plus i av panic alarm, he said its all crocodile tears, i av ad social at my home when i was 8 months pregnant, cos i calle dpolice so many times, they interviewed my 2 sons, and check their schools, but case closed, police warned me not to put his name on birth certificate, but i did, regret it, i didnt see him for dust after his name was on, ex said tht in court tht it isnt fair he isnt allowed to see his daughter,and he smokes canabsi cos hes depressed cos he isnt allowed to see her, wot an excuse, u no he never bothered with er when we was together, im stil convince its all to get to me x well he as 2 harassment orders against him for harassin mex
yea they came out to see me and closed the case after i signed written agreemnet to not allow in him my home or resume relationship wt him or not aloow any unsupervised access they closed the case an left me to deal with it all x
yes on the 1st hearing last july cafacss told me he ad a baby and wa slivin with his girlfirend who i thought was his ex,and got told i must av nothin to do with him or my kids are at risk, then got told bout his criminal convictions, woundin with intent i didnt no bout, was awful i thouhgt god wot sort man did i av child withx
you must be so glad its all over , what wasa his reaction x
yes i am glad, his face was a picture, judge bollocked him,he waanted adjorn as he said he cudnt afford to reaply again, judge said thts not my problem, lol but after he was laffin on his mobile, i walked out with my solicter head held highx
god i hope it goes well for me to, did your judges have dv interset x
hi u no im not sure, but the woman judge seemed to b very sympathetic towards me which was very good, im glad, and she told ex off wehen he started callin me, tht must gon against him, he alswys brought me into it when my solicter questioned him, means he stil not aceptin responsibility, just wish i ad pics of my face after he attacked me, was mess, he said i ad scratch, so upsettin, he stil ninimizin wot he ad dun, aw i hope it goes well for u hun, well we av similar cases dont we, i am here for u cos i do understand totally, x
It's good that you can support each other. I am sure that there is plenty you have learned about life and relationships and men from all this kiera, what would you say are the top three things you have learned?
Anonymous mum, it certainly does not sound as if he is treating the new women well, isolating her from family and controlling her. You (and your solicitor) have plenty of evidence for the case proper. There are some weeks to go before that happens and it is important you look after yourself in the run up and don't dwell on it all the time, as that will be very draining for you
well i said to my solicitor why are they stillmaking me do this when iv got evidence against him so the evidence musnt be strong enough cos she said well they have to hear his side , he,s already denying there putting me through torment when he,s the liar its not fair x
hi hun it isnt fair i no, my ex said on stand it isnt fair tht i cant see my daughter, he said ive bin very stressed cos of this court case, ha stressed, he doesn no meanin of the word, it was all bout him, and judges cud see ryt thru him, they stil av to hear his side u c even tho it is bullsh*t, he was losein his temper on the stand, cafcss man said i believe he is a risk to his daughter until he adress his issues, judge said its rare to giv no contcat, thts why they av offered him indirect but thru 3rd parerty, cos he aint allowed to av contact at my adress, but who 3rd party wil b i aint a clue, but not allowed to show my daughter card s he sends av keep them in box, til he proves himself, daft reallyx
did they ask him to do any courses hun x
yes, he as to do 28sessions of domestic violence course, twice a week, he as to do counselling and av doctor letter to prove it, he as to b 6 months canabis free, and provide drug test again which he as to pay for himself,and do drug rehab and b crime free and av no domestic incidents with his girlfriendx we wil see x
my ex already done a domestic violence course , i didnt change him but he,s saying it did and nothing happend after that , i really hope they believe me x
well cafacss guy said thesed courses are hard , sum men do 2 session sand walk out, but worries me he wil sail thru test but stil b same, cos they put on good act dontthey, i dont want him to see my daughter at all, x
Good morning kiera and anonymousmum. Going through court can be a very uncomfortable experience and you have both learned that abusive people can be very similar in their ways. ie: turning everything around and blaming you, minimising the violence etc
The courts see this sort of behaviour day in day out, so they do know what they are dealing with.
anonymousmum, try not to think about the 'What if's' it will not be helpful to you. I know it is easier said than done, however it won't change anything other than make you more anxious, as Louise said, focusing on looking after you, will be the best way forward.
kiera, if we were to write an article on the site for women who have an abusive partner what advice would you give? What would you say you have learned through all of this? What would you have like to have done/known before this relationship that you have learned now? How can you protect yourself from entering into another abusive relationship?
hi anna god i dont no what to say, i have bin thru alot but got thru it, u av to do, especially where kids involved,i do not no why i stayed with man like tht,i stil dont no, to any women who are involved in dv relationship please please get out cos it gets worse not better, these men wil get in ur head and its harder to get out,well i wil never b involved with abusive man again, never,i wil no the warning signs, and th freedom programme is good way to start, im thankful i got out when i did, cos if i stayed i cud b in a box now,thts wot i believe. dont underestimate these men,and what they are capable of, im stil on edge now and its bin over year i ended it, ive got thru court and now i can move on propa but ilnever forget,x
Thanks for that kiera. It is really hard to put our finger on why we stayed, or what lessons we have learnt isn't it.
I think the Warning Signs were brilliant from the Freedom Programme, I agree.
I think the hard thing is that we have to just keep on our toes, because it is so easy to think "Oh I don't like the way they did that", but then in the next minute something funny is happening and that thought is forgotten.
thank you for ur replies anna, one space av bin tremendous support and want to say thank youx
i have bin thru it and come out the other sidex
kiera you are very welcome! We are very proud of you! You have come so far and have so much to offer others and I look forward to seeing/hearing/reading how your life progresses over the next year as YOU ARE NOW IN CONTROL!
This may be a daunting prospect, but you can do it, small steps, do things that feels good for you, feels good for your children and close the door to anything negative.
well now i av another worry, i have got rid of one nutttre, and n ow my sons waster dad as left me nasty threatening message on facebook, ive blocked him now but kept the message. i dotn no wot to do, he isnt allowed see my son at all, but i have no protection order against him,im bit p[aranoid now,shuid i see my old soliciter th represented me inj court in 2009 or wot, cant believe ive got rid one man, now he as sent me tht message, plus he sent my eldest daughter and my elder son friend request,they av blocked him i av now deactivated my account for a while,
Hi kiera I think you have done the right thing. There are no grounds for a court order at the moment unless the message says anything about actual physcial harm such as threatening to beat someone up or stab them, just do what you have done and keep the message as well. I would also get a book/writing pad and write down August 2013 threatening message on facebook and say what it was. Then if there is anything else you can put the date down and what happened....but hopefully it is an isolated incident, you are bound to feel paranoid after what you have juse been through but see it for what it is, just a blip.
hi louise, he as indirect contact. but 2 year ago he cum to my house with present for my son with beer can in his hand, i didnt get door, last 2 years he as posted my son birthday card thru post and exmas card, if anythin else appens i am ringin police, and now my eldest son ad siezure on bus last night, we was gona get off the bus and he looked at me funni, ad tell lad to tell bus driver quick to stop bus, he dis, he ranfg the ambulance,we ad good afternoon, he bin dentist then went to kfc, ambulance took an hour to get to us, another bus ad to cum and the other people got on the bus, anyway he was fine, consultant ringin me in the morning, he as ad 3 siezures now close together so summat wil av to b dunx
Hi kiera, well done for taking action straight away and de activating your Facebook account.
I think it is a good idea to give your old solicitor a call and definitely make a record of the threatening message and any other contact he has tried to make.
Why do you think he has decided to contact you now?
hi anna well he messaged my eldest daughter few weeks ago sendin not nice messaeg, she blocked him, and now he as sent message to my facebook,sayin hes ira and hes gona blow me up, and tht hes on way down,and called me not nice name, he said more, then he said sorry he said he wasnt mental til i stoped him seein his son, and cud he see him,ive kept the message not goin on face book again, ive gon thru court and now this, sick of it, why do i meet such nutters, hes just like my ex, now im paranoid cos keep getin witheld calls, only started getin um since court, wonder if its ex of my daughter, sons dad doesnt no my number, bk to jumpin when fone rings, why doesnt it ever endx
Ok so the message was actually physically threatening, well you definitely need to report it then, see what the solicitor says initially.
Saw you were mentioning your son on the chat thread so will talk more to you on there
Yes report it,they get away with far too much,I dont have that worry with my ex but he has my son and got a battle ahead of me to get to see him,so sad when it all ends like this,its hard to believe what we ever saw in them isn't it?,make sure you keep your mobil on if he ever crosses your path so you can record him!
hi sorry to hear your having more trouble keira it seems like one thing afer another , i feel like im getting one knock after another found out not long ago him and new girlfreind are having a baby getting a new house and now found out there planning a wedding to , he seems to be making the perfect life for himself when he,s destryed mine i cant help feeling envious and hertbroken at the same time , im worried that this will all also go in his favour with our case x
hi lorraine, well if my sons dad even sends another messaeg or cums nr me i wil ring police, it was nasty message, anyway kept message and deactivated my account,after wot ive bin thru with my daughter dad i dont need it, i want b left alone, thanks for ur replyx what as appened with ux
hi anoymous yes my ex was like tht in court sayin how good his relationship is and how he sees his children everyday, joke, but its al false, it wont go in his favour hun, ye smy sons dad suddenly rearin his ugly head, ive kept nasty message and deactivated my account, for the best,hope ur ok hun, keep strongx
its upsetting to see he treats her so good and treated me so bad and now she gonna have brother or sister x