Hi everyone, really pleased to discover this site and the opportunity to speak to people who understand our challenges and feelings.
I`m a 42 year old mum of 2 girls aged 12 & 8. I was divorced in May 2011 and was seperated for 2 years prior to that. I had a difficult marriage as my ex was verbally abusive, often abscent, agressive and a bully & over time our friends & family stopped visiting as he upset almost all of them at one time or another and put unbearable pressure on my family/friend relationships.
Anyway I chose to end my marriage although he said he always loved me and realised he had treated me badly ( i still don`t know if it was just a line or he meant it ) but either way i had experienced too much pain and just couldn`t carry on. I have to admit though he is a good dad to the girls & they love him and i`d never disrespect him in front of them.
Since splitting i have worked hard, been promoted, started doing charity work & established a strong family & friend network. My friends tell me they love the new confident me and assure me i will meet someone special soon.
Trouble is that whilst i don`t want my ex back (he`s in yet another on/off relationship), i seem incapable of imaging a future with someone else in fact i`d run a mile at the prospect. I want desperately to put everything behind me but i can even imagine going on a date. Am i rushing to move on & are these feelings normal. Although i enjoy this new found independance, i`m genuinely scared of facing the future completley alone and pretend to everyone that i`m ok with my life alone.
Has anyone experienced something similar & how did you move on.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. x
Hello Manc-lass and you are very welcome to One Space
The feelings that you talk about are contradictory if you sort of take a step back and analyse them....on one hand you say I cannot imagine being with anyone else and I don't want to date. On the other hand you say you don't want to think of yourself being single long-term. So, something in the middle of these two scenarios would seem to be the answer. You have done so well to rebuild your life after what happened. I have a few suggestions you might like to consider.
Firstly, have a look at our free online course The Freedom Programme. It helps move you forward from relationships that had any abusive elements and that is what you are talking about here,
Next, have a read of our Dating Again article. I think the mistake that so many of us make is we think that dating is going to mean another serious relaitonship. Not neccessarily. Dating is fun, it is sociable and it is confidence boosting. It does not have to be romance of the century, it can be a few fun nights out with men you regard as friends rather than boyfriends.
I would say it is pretty early days to be getting involved in anything serious again, in that it takes time to recover from a difficult relationship. I don't know if you are a book sort of person but if you are then think about getting hold of a copy of this. I think it is a wonderful book.
Finally surround yourself with freinds of both sexes and continue to enjoy your work and your life and your girls....and you will know when the time is right,
Hope you stay with us, there is loads of friendly support on here 
Hi littleangel.
Thanks for taking the time to reply to me and thanks for your positive feedback and its great to hear from a fellow mancunian :)
I know i`ve come a long way but i think maybe i feel the pressure from well-meaning comments like `Are you with anyone yet?`. I`m doing ok but often feel lonely at weekends like all single parents do as a most of my friends are in couples so nites out are rare and i don`t feel confident enough yet to dip my toe in the on-line dating game just yet but maybe one day. Also as my ex has dipped his toe in quite a lot, his pityful looks at me when we do meet up eats me up & i feel totally inadequate. May be my imagination but still hate feeling this way.
sending you my best wishes & hope you are in a gud situation at present. Would luv to chat again sometime. xx
Hi Louise.
Thanks for your quick reply, I feel supported already. I will definately check out ` The Freedom Programme` and read the `Dating Again` article and take your advice on board re dating. The book sounds fab too.
It does still feel early days and i`m really glad you said that as well meaning friends often seem surprised i`m still single and seem almost pitying of me. I know i need to just keep working on my confidence and trust my own instincts.
Thanks again for your response it really means a lot to have this site and to get advice from you. I feel better already. :)
xx
Well, keep posting and don't forget we have a day to day chat thread as well where we share all sorts. Have a look here.
By the way I adjusted your avatar to a standard size as for some reason it was coming out very large. So if you think it has changed, it has!
Re relationships, and other peoples' views, it may be that you are one of the first of your circle to separate and as you go along more and more people will experience this. You will be the fab one with all the answers for them!
Hi Manc-lass, welcome from me
A lot of my colleagues are single parents and we often laugh at how other people think that we need pitying or sympathy because we don't have a man in our lives! We are often questioned about it and people always want to introduce you to someone or other.
I have two phrases that I want to share on this matter:
"It is better to have loved and lost than live with a psycho for the rest of your life"
And
"Being single doesn't mean you are weak, it means you are strong enough to wait for what you deserve"
You will know when you are ready, if you are enjoying life at the moment, then there is no need to add someone to it. Usually relationships come with all sorts of emotional pulls too and maybe right now you don't need that.
Statistics say that a person is a single parent on average for 7 years.
Louise makes a good point, dating is for fun, you don't need to get embroiled in a full on 'next partner for life' relationship right now, you are still learning new things about yourself and creating a life for you.
So now we have to find something for you to do at the weekends! Have you seen our article Making New Friends?
Hi Anna, great to meet you :)
Thanks for your reply and kind words. Your phrases made me laugh and i`ll definately be using them especially as they are sooo true. Can`t wait to see peoples faces. lol.
If i`m honest i am ok on my own and after 18 years with an abusive, controlling man ( i`ll be polite and not use the word i normally do ) i`m in no hurry for a new relationship. I still feel the awkwardnes from others though & my ex still has a way of making me feel inadequate & useless and that is my current challenge moving on & leaving my relationship baggage behind. I think sometimes that if i was in a relationship then he wouldn`t treat me so disrespectfully as he is a typical bully ( bad tempered & agressive ) and wouldn`t stand up to another man. I need to find the strength to fully stand up to him but its tough after so many years of confidence shattering.
On the plus side i am learning new things about myself that i lost or forgot over time and when my friends point it out i feel good so i know i`m on the right track.
Weekends are definately a challenge though. My ex has girls this weekend & he & on/off girlfriend are taking them to sea-side and have fun activities planned which is great for them but i`m alone as no friends nearby who are single and all my family tend to do their own things and i don`t like to feel like a spare wheel. Also usual challenge of single parents is limited funds. So i`ll get a bottle of wine and watch another DVD which is nice but not the same as adult company. This is more or less the one thing ( other than him ) that gets me down. I would love to hear how other single parents have resolved this.
Thanks for your article suggestion which i`ll definately check out & i hope to chat with you again.
My best wishes,
Axx
Hi Manc-lass
18 years with an abusive partner is a long time to have suffered and survived and it will take time to re-find yourself.
I found myself trying to remember what I was like as a teenager and pretended that I was back on that road before I entered an abusive relationship.
You can do the Freedom programme online, but you can also go to a face to face group if there is one in your area, where you can meet new people and make new friends, click here to see if there is one in your area.
I think it is important to learn new things about yourself and feel safe in your own skin before embarking on another relationship. Otherwise you do bring all the old baggage with you and your new partner will hear all this horrible stuff and feel judged themselves.
Have you had a look at your local meetups? Is there anything in your area? What are you interested in? Have a look at your local paper, see if there is a craft fair or a singing group. You don't have to commit to anything, just try something new.
What did you used to enjoy doing before you met your ex?
Hi Anna,
Thank you for your reply.
You are right, i definately need to feel safe in my own skin and your comment couldn`t have been more timely. Forgive me but trying to hold it together enough to type this.
Over the last 2 weeks my ex has started to be very agressive again & last Tuesday he lost his temper and both me & girls were left scrared and the children were sobbing with fear. I`m sorry i didn`t mention any of this in my intro but i still feel shame over the whole thing and hoped it would be a one off. But last nite was too much. My ex was supposed to have the girls this weekend and take them to visit his girlfriend. Anyway me eldest daughter whose 12 has been invited to Blackpool with her friend & parents for the weekend and asked me if she could go. I said i was ok with it as know the parents well but it was her dads call & she would have to ask him. We agreed she would ring him after her tea. Later that evening the phone rang & youngest answered it. She talked for a bit then said dad wanted me ( She told me he sounded cross ). I answered the phone & he said `Whats this you telling G she can spend weekend with friends`. I explained what happened and that i had asked her to call him to explain but he errupted and said i should have rung him not her and the text said mum had said it was ok if she went and i had no right to do that.
I tried to explain but he became angry and told me i had to change & stop making out he was a `monster` to the children ( a word i have never used ) and i had mental problems. On top of that he accused me of being a terrible mother and said i only sent the girls to activities ( Drama, Brownies ) to get rid of them for a few hours & i couldn`t wait to have time to myself. I objected but he said the girlds preferred being with him as he did stuff with them and made an `effort`. I said i did things with them too and spent a lot of time with them when i`m not working but he ranted that he was disadvantaged as i`d kicked him out of his own home ( 2008 ) and I seperated him from his own kids and i was evil. I told i wouldn`t listen any more and he hung up on me only to call back 30 mins later. At this point he asked youngest if she still wanted to spend weekend with him she started to cry and said no she didn`t like being without G but she still loved him. They talked for a bit & then he asked for me. He told me K was coming with him afterall and it wasn`t up for discussion. I ended the phone call & spent the rest of the evening receiving abusive texts & he also texted G declaring he loved her more than me and would die for his kids. This terrified her & she cried herself to sleep. I spoke to K and asked her if she really wanted to go with daddy and she said no but daddy said she`d be fine and he would spoil her. But what freaked me was that his girlfriend lives 1 1/2 hours away & they would be setting off at 7.30pm Friday and he told her she wasn`t allowed to fall asleep on the journey as he didn`t want her wide awake when they got there and then he couldn`t get her to sleep as didn`t want any hassle when he and girlfriend sent her to bed. He told her to bring stuff to keep her awake but she couldn`t distract him whilst he was driving. She is 8 & is panicking as she always falls asleep on long journeys. How do i deal with someone of this mindset and how do i make him understand i want to move on too and he can`t keep bullying me and the girls like this. He told me a few weeks ago that his boss has referred him to the GP for anger management issues and his job is at risk if he doesn`t sort himself but doctor just prescribed pills. I feel drained and worried about the safety of the girls when they are with him. He has never hurt the girls or even smacked them, so no history of abuse that way but his temper alone terrifies them. I burst into tears at work today, thankfully my boss is great but i hate doing this and feeling like this. He still controls me and the girls even after 3 1/2 years. How do i stop it.
Any advice but be gratefully accepted as i don`t know where to turn?
sending you a hug manc-lass - i am sure someone will be along soon to offer good advice - they are a great bunch on here - hang on in there
Hi Mancs-lass
I am so sorry to her what has happened. The girls' dad was initially worried that you were trying to undermine his parenting time and I understand his anxiety but he went straight into defnsive mode and what happened afterwards is inexcusable. You daughters are people, not pawns in a game and how ridiculous to tell an eight year old not to go to to sleep. Anger management definitely sounds like a good idea!
On a practical basis putting the phone down is a good idea. I would also suggest that you have a special dad phone (or SIM card) and let him know that it is only on two nights a week between 7 and 9 for example. That way you will not be barraged with abusive texts. Save the ones you do get though, and now is time for your exercise book where you write down the date and time of every harrassing incident, in the spirit of building a picture of his behaviour.
However, looking at the bigger picture I believe you need some legal advice, please email our Legal Expert, who will outline your options.
We are here to support you, so stay as calm as you can (the girls deserve at least ONE calm parent!) and this will help you as you moce forward
Dear Manc-lass
I have to join in here because it is like reading my own experience, although I only have one child. About 10 years ago, she wanted to see her cousin on one of the fortnightly visits, so I spoke to her father and asked if we could swap. He went nuts, upset our daughter massively by leaving abusive messages on the answer machine, so I decided I wasn't putting up with it anymore and went to a solicitor to try and rearrange contact to once a month as it was so disruptive. He too lived 120 miles away from our home and he too wanted our daughter to stay awake, keep quiet, entertain herself for the journey etc etc. (She used to have nightmares about motorways)
He didn't like the solicitors letter and all hell broke loose, that left me no option but to say No further contact. I had been playing his game for far too long and decided to put my daughter and myself first for a change.
I really want you to discount everything he said on the phone, it is typical insults that all abusive fathers use and none of it is true. Please don't question yourself over that. He is not going to see reason, so you need not respond anymore to anything other than contact. If your youngest doesn't want to go with him at the weekend. You can either tell her she has to and she will have to deal with that on her own, or you can decide that she will not go if her sister is not going and end of story. It doens't mean never, it's just this one weekend and you don't have to enter into long conversations about it. Its a fact and that is that.
Your ex is using aggression to try and get his own way. Don't be bullied by him, your daughters need you to be strong and assertive and I know you can be.
Dear Anna, Louise & LRH,
Thanks for you replies which are I really appreciate.
Thanks for the hug LRH, i definately need more of them right now and right back at ya. I will be keeping in touch as i`m really finding the support to be a huge relief and comfort. It`s great to have people who know what your talking about and to be able to share experiences.
Louise, your idea about a seperate fone is brilliant, don`t know why i hadn`t thought of it sooner and i`m keeping a log of his actions and calls/texts. I have resisted `legal advice` as i know any intervention would send him into a rage and on past performance he would see it as a challenge, but i`ve had enough so i accept i need do to do this as keeping the girls safe is no1 priority.
Anna, when i wrote my story i though `no one is going to believe this` but its good to hear you have shared a similar experience and you know what its like. My youngest is also terrified of motorways and as we`ve never had an accident or seen one, i couldn`t understand why but now it makes sense.Your advice is really valued. I know his comments about my parenting skills are rubbish and i need to develop a thicker skin but its hard when i hear it over & over again. Like all abusers you start to believe some of what they say.
I am resigned to the fact that this will probably only be resolved through the legal process, i just hope it isn`t the nightmare i`m dreading.
Thanks again and i`ll keep you posted. Best wishes to you all.
A xx
Hi Manc-lass
I am glad that hearing that others have experienced very similar situations to yourself helps.
His behaviour is really not that unusual for an abusive ex partner. In one sense we don't want to think that their behaviour is typical, but on the other hand, if we can recognise that it isn't 'us' and that they would still behave the same regardless of who they are with, we can put on our 'bullet proof vest' and disassociate ourselves a bit. Does that make sense?
Do not dread the unknown, I know that knot that forms in your stomach when you think about Court and all that it involves, however, dreading it is not going to help anyone. You will deal with it as it comes, acknowledge the feeling and then put it away and know that right now you have other things that are more pressing like dinner or ironing and enjoying yourself with friends.
This reminds me of what you said in your first post that you are scared of facing the future alone...however you were saying that you were enjoying your new found independance. You don't need someone else in your life right now, so why would that change? Enjoy each day as it comes. You never know what is around the corner! If someone comes along, hopefully they would add to your lovely life that you are creating right now, not become your life.
Hi Anna,
After reading your response i feel really inspired to see this thro. Yes its true i do have a knot in my stomach almost all the time but no more i`ve had enough. So my plan is to calmly tell him it has to stop and our only contact should be to discuss arrangements re the children & nothing else. I`ll tell him i`ve had advice and if things continue i`ll take legal action but i hope we can resolve it, but if not i will do it.
I do feel a genuine sense of trepidation but at the same time i also feel my journey is heading towards a positive outcome and i feel excited about that as i haven`t had a say in my own life for so long so it does feel good to have that power again. I`m older & wiser and my faith that the future will take care of itself is reassuring and friends like you keep me focused. I deserve to be happy - simples!
So thanks again & i`ll keep sharing my journey if only to help others on a similar path.
Best wishes
A xx
We are here to support you on your journey, Mancs-Lass
Big hug Mancs-lass and hope all goes well when you tell him
Hey Manc-lass, your post is inspiring too! I am so pleased to read it through,that you have found it within you to believe in YOURSELF and to take Control over your life.
This is the first day of the rest of your life and no-one else should be meddling in it. Have you heard from him? How did the weekend go?
Hi Anna, good to hear from you :)
Weekend was gud actually but mainly cause he was at his girlfriends so we didn`t see or hear from him, grateful to be honest. Had a rare nite out with a mate, meal & the cinema and really enjoyed the `me` time. Have seen him briefly tonite though as he picks up girls on a Tuesday. Didn`t speak to him as he just collected girls and went - no drama this time but its a pattern of behaviour i know well and after a period of calm there will usually be a storm.
So i`m waiting for the opportunity to speak to him away from children to explain how things are going to be from now on. Hoping to do this later in week when girls at their grandparents. Fingers crossed he accepts but fully expect him to get angry. Feel strong enough to handle it this time though and the help & advice i`ve received on here has had a big part to play in it.
I genuinely feel a sense of positivity about the future. I still have quite a few issues to deal with from the divorce but i think i`m moving into the `acceptance` phase and that feels good. Thanks again for your support and best wishes. Gonna have a glass of wine and catch up with `Spartacus`on Sky TV, mmmmmmmmmm 
.
A xx
Hi Mancs lass
You sound as if you coped with the weekend very well. I know what you mean though, about the calm before the storm!
Hope you enjoyed looking at all those Roman tunics
Hi Manc-lass, oooh, mmmmm Andy Whitfield (Spartacus) , I love this programme!
When you speak with your ex about contact, be prepared for a little room for compromise, if there is any to be had. However really try not to get into too much discussion. Keep repeating your wishes, you do not need to explain them.
If he does get angry what is the best way for you to deal with it?
Hya Anna & Louise.
Thanks for your replies.I will take on board about compromise, i realise i need to put some effort in to get the outcome i need. Has been hard in the past as he doesn`t negotiate but maybe if i compromise more he`ll make an effort too. We can only but try.
Re ` Spartacus` - best show on TV, that and `True Blood` on FX. Brilliant shows and cause much lively & humorous discussion in my workplace 
.
Enjoy the rest of the week. Best wishes,
A xx
Hi Manc-lass ... I am so sorry to read all that you have gone through. Just wanted to send you big squashy hugs from me and my children.
Love
Ami xoxox
Hello Ami, lovely to meet you.
Thanks for the squashy hugs, can never have too many of them and hugs to you too.
It has been a rough couple of years for me and the children since i split with ex and still feeling the residual effects to be honest. Hoping we are turning a corner though.
How are things with you and your family, good i hope?
Thanks again & my best wishes to you.
A xx
Hi Manc-lass,
When I said be prepared to compromise, I was meaning on very small matters, ie: 5.30 not 6pm. If we go storming in and say I want this, this and this, from my experience, a difficult ex will not be happy with this new found sense of self and try to battle it all the way.
So I was suggesting be prepared to make a tiny bit of compromise if necessary, however completely stick to your guns. You will not be bullied into changing what you want because of something he says, you can say that you will consider it and get back to him.
I am reiterating this because you said:
"Has been hard in the past as he doesn`t negotiate but maybe if i compromise more he`ll make an effort too"
and I want you to be really firm in stating your wishes. I do not think for one minute that if he sees you compromise, he will make an effort too, that would give you too much power and if he is a difficult person, they never like to give that away!
Hi Anna,
Thank you for clarifying this for me. I clearly misunderstood. I get what you are saying and think i still try too hard to compromise ( or back down ) where he`s concerned, as i`m used to doing it. I hate conflict and he knows it.
This is a definate learning curve for me. In almost every area of my life this would not be a problem but with him........ it`s uncomfortable and will take some more practice. I feel able to do it but overcoming his objections is the true test. Will do my best to keep focused and remember the things you said.
Thanks again & i`ll keep you posted .
A xx
Hi manc-lass, did you get a chance to speak with him?
He is a grown man who is perfectly capable of stepping up to the mark, but he chooses not to. You do not need to buy into his beliefs, of he is the big strong man and you are the 'little woman who should do as you are told'. This is the 21st century!
Practising what you want to say is a brilliant idea. Even writing everything down that you want to say can be good too.
Look forward to hearing how you and the girls are
Hi Anna, thanks for your comments
I managed to speak to him today when he was picking girls up as he has been with girlfriend this weekend. Actually went ok. Suggested we keep to alternate weekends so we know when we know exactly who girls are with and i`m going to write his weekends on my calendar in kitchen so my eldest daughter knows who she`s with and who she needs to check with to alter arrangements. He seemed happy with this and made an `attempt` at an apology for recent events. I told him we had to make it work or I would have to consider a more formal/legal arrangement to avoid further issues.
As always i`m hopeful he means well but we`ll see. At least I am clear that he knows where he and i stand. Will keep you posted.
Would appreciate your advice on another trickly issue, if you don`t mind. My eldest daughter whose 12 and is at that emotional stage. Anyway, she is very very slim, skinny if i`m honest and i`ve noticed lately that she`s using the scales to weigh herself a lot and when i cook for her she sometimes goes to her room to eat. My mum says G has told her she`s fat and you can imagine what i`m thinking. I`ve tried talking to her but she gets annoyed and upset and we end up argueing. I`m very worried about her and how to handle this as i know she is dealing wth a lot of mixed emotions.
I would be grateful for your thoughts on this?
A xx
Your poor daughter, I can imagine how worrying it is for you.
The first thing I would do is to ensure that you all eat together. That way you can see what she eats. Put it to her in the way of "we need the family time", then make sure she has to stay downstairs, perhaps helping with the pots so she can't rush straight to the loo. Anyone who is worried about anorexia in their young person...well I will tell you a tip...have a look at their knuckles. If a young person is making themselves sick then their teeth will catch on their knuckles and graze them. Rather than talk about the eating or weight at this stage, I would chat to her in general about her worries and encourage her to see a counsellor. Make sure you spend some individual time with her too, and give her lots of reassurance that she is not to worry, that YOU are the adult and you will look after her (sometimes anorexia is a result of a youngster not wanting to be grown up and feeling too "catapaulted" into the adult world)
Have a look here for some information
Hi Manc-lass, it sounds as though the discussion with your ex went very well. Well done you :)
Louise has given some good advice regarding your daughter and her self image. I agree that you shouldn't mention her weight or eating habits, because if she is stuggling with her body image, this is a visual signal that she has other worries.
I am just reiterating what Louise has said here, but let her express herself, how is she within herself would you say?
She has been through a lot and it is so important that she has an outlet to express herself and her fears, whether it is stuff at home or general growing up stuff.
Hi All, hope you all had a great Mothers Day
I had a great one, even though my ex had girls Saturday and brought them back Sunday afternoon and only got me a card. Told girls he had no money for a pressie as he had to buy girlfriend a birthday pressie so he was skint. She has expensive taste i`m led to believe, glad really as he`s quite stressed trying to live up to her expectations. Anyway, i digress, my own mum gave girls some money so they had been and bought me a beautiful embroidered cushion for my bed and a `piggy bank` -` Mum`s dream fund ` it says. So that`s always gonna be empty then, haha.
Spent the afternoon at my own mums with my other siblings and had a really good laugh. My brothers wife has recently left him, she`s 36 & new boyfriend is an unemployed 20 year old ( a real catch ). They have 3 boys, 8, 6 & 2. My brother is doing quite well seeing as tho its all fairly recent but we chuckled at our similar situations & sharing experiences. Promised to see more of each other, so that`s good.
Re eldest G, had a little progress. She`s eaten with us twice last week and all but finished her meal and didn`t go to toilet afterwards. Checked her knuckles ( not obviously but kept glancing at them ) as suggested and they look ok so not sure if she`s vomiting but not ruling anything out yet. Had a chat with her and she feels under pressure for so many reasons eg:- keeping good grades, being a good daughter, dealing with friendship/growing up issues and she often feels unable to cope so i told her to try and not to worry so much and reassured her that me & her dad love her more than anything and she`s just a wonderful human being. Told her she could also speak to the school pastor if she wanted and this wouldn`t be relayed back to me as completely confidential. She`s also upset as her Dad has been ignoring her a lot lately as he`s been cross when she`s cancelled visits so i need to try and deal with that with as little impact on her as possible but will be tricky as he doesn`t see how his behaviour can affect the girls. Will keep u posted.
Thanks for reading and sorry to drag on a bit. Take care and speak soon.
A xx
Hi there, found your thread (yay me lol)
First things first, well done you, you have made some huge changes that have obviously been difficult. Just reading through some of the things your talking about sound very familiar.
Love the advice that you have been given. Spot on. You don't have to put up with behaviour like that (no person should). Sending you strength and cuddles (important things lol). In case you hadn't noticed I try to use humour wherever possible, much better to laugh at the stupidity in life than cry. Although sometimes a good bubble is very healthy. I hope you continue to grow in strength from these changes.
I hope that all of us struggling parents find some kind of happiness (we deserve it).
D
xx
here here purple wings
Hi Mancs lass
Lots of really positive things on Mother's Day, and wow that is a good result with G. I loved what you said to her. Praise can sound a bit over the top to us if we have the "English" habit of restraint, but research shows that it takes seven positive remarks to neutralise a negative, and I know from my counselling work that negative comments can stay with people for years. So one of our jobs as parents is to boost our children's self esteem, not just with praise but also spending individual time with them.
What plans do you have for the next few days?
Hello all,
Thanks to LRH & Purplewings & Louise for your comments, its means a lot to get replies so soon as it really feels tangible and i draw so much from it as i`m sure others do too on thier own threads !
I read everyone`s thread & i`m constantly struck by the similarities we are alI going thro ( some a lot harder than others ) but this site is brilliant for making us all feel `normal` and also comforted when times are tough and reminded that we are not alone in this.
I`m trying hard to be a good role model for my girls and i`m sure i`m making mistakes as well as some gains but knowing i can come here for advice is helping me to make better choices.
I`m having a good week so far, as had parents nite for youngest and teacher told me she is a lovely girl and the class clown as she likes to make people laugh and is particularly sensitive to other children who are unwell or upset as she tries to make them laugh or at least smile. That made me soo proud as she has a good heart. Eldest brought her report card home and hers was fantastic too so couldn`t be prouder. Girls are at their dad`s this weekend so will be a quiet one for me but plan to spend time `repairing` my very sad looking garden so hoping for a sunny weekend. Not a natural gardner `me` so think some plastic flowers from the poundshop may have to be strategically placed around it.
Hope you all have a great week/end.
A xxx
You must be one proud mum with that good news from the schools!
I do agree that that is one of the big benefits of this site, that there will always be a listening ear and in fact most of the time you will be able to speak to someone else who has been through the same thing.
Ooh gardening......have you ever tried to grow vegetables? My dad had a real cottage industry going when I was a child and there were homegrown veg in the freezer each winter. My own efforts were pathetic, with a few straggly onions, several failed crops and a handful of spinach!
Hi Everyone & Happy Easter, hope you are all well and enjoying some lovely family time .
Sorry for my recent abscence mainly due to working extra hours and to be honest feeling really down at the minute and trying hard not to become very depressed but not fnding it easy.
Don`t even know where to start. My ex has just had girls for a week and spent it at his girlfriends on East Coast. Girls had a fab week and were spoiled rotten which seems to be the thing everytime they go there. Went to the sea-side and had fab time on fun fair, went to York and saw all the must see attractions, got a beautician round to her house to give girls a makeover - nails, pedicure, make-up, hair & dressing up. Had a bbq and all friends and neighbours came. Girls came back and eldest ok but youngest has done nothing but complain how boring it is with me and she cant wait to go back.
On top of that Ex rang me at work last week while at his girlfriends, to ask me about a family holiday we once had in South Wales and were we alone ( me & him ) errr no....eldest was with with us, our first family holiday when she was 18 mths old. He couldn`t remember this important fact. Anyway, when he brought girls back he `excitedly` told me that him & girlfriend have booked first holiday with our girls & her daughter and going to exactly same site in same resort that we had our 1st family holiday and they were going to have best time ever and loads planned. May be just me but thought going back there when anywhere else in country would have been better was really insensitive but kept it together & cried later. He also hinted they are considering moving in together and that would mean him moving to her city. It was more of a shock than i expected - Why?
Also he knows i can`t afford a holiday with kids myself so just feel like i have nothing to look forward to for me and girls- oh god i sound so self pitying, hate it when i`m like this. Generally i`m good and know i`ve come a long way but as my sister said yesterday ` you need to let go and move on, its been long enough now`. so why aren`t i?
On top of that, it was my brothers 40th yesterday. My brother and his wife split in january and he told me yesterday that he`s met someone already, she`s a work colleague & only 24! I love my brother but god what is it with men that they bounce back so quickly? My own family said i should take a leaf from his book and go out and get someone or at least dip my toe in the pond and have some fun as i`ve been on my own too long now. I`m even shaking my head as i type this, whats wrong with me? I feel so low and my self esteem has taken another battering and i just want to feel ok ..... oh and where are these men that you can just go out and grab - wish i knew. Also why is being on your own seen as some kind of `failing` and something to be pitied. It`s not that i don`t remember the great dvice you already gave me on this site, its just harder to put into practice than i thought.
And lastly, my eldest daughter started her periods on Saturday whilst she stayed with her dad and i was at work. Admit he was really sensitive and matue about it and reassured her it would be ok. He went to chemist for her and chemist said he should win a `father of the year award` as not many dads would do that. I know i should be grateful he handled it well (as not normally his strong point) and how she`s feeling thats important but sods law she was with him and not me, i should have been there to deal with this ` important event` and do what us mums do best but sadly no and guess whose wallowing in all the credit.
I` ve suffered from depression in the past and it took a lot to come out of it and i dont want to go there again but just feel soooo low, its 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. Any advice would be really appreciated and sorry for the length of my tale and thanks if you managed to stay till the end. And if your shouting at the screen, i understand as i`m shouting at myself too! 
Best wishes,
A xxx
Hi manc-lass, congrats on your eldest reaching 'womanhood' have you had a little celebration together?
It sounds as though your youngest is very confused. Earlier on in your posts, she was unhappy about travelling to her dads. Do you know if he says anything negative to her about you?
I am wondering if you have ever contacted Womens Aid? It sounds as though you could really do with their support. Your ex is an abusive man and he is still getting to you and I feel you need support to deal with this. Find a local service where you can meet other women and talk through your worries.
As we have said before, unless people have lived with an abusive relationship they will never understand what is going on under the surface. You could meet someone else, but you still have a lot of things to unravel about yourself and therefore it wouldn't necessarily be a productive relationship. You know that - forget what others are saying. Yes you are feeling messed up and that is ok and completely normal after your experience. You will get through this and will be the one who comes out on top!
Hi mancs-lass
Just wanted to ask how you are feeling today. And I also wanted to comment on the thing you said about men bouncing back very quickly. Some people (men AND women but in my experience more men) do seek to recover from Relationship A by getting into Relationship B. This is not healthy and means they spend no time reflecting on what went wrong, what they have learned, or going through the grief process .I do believe that is why they get into Relationship B, to avoid all that but it will bite them on the "posterior" before long
What do you think about Anna's suggestion of contacting Women's Aid?
Hi guys,
Thanks so much for your comments which have been really helpful. I`ve been on the Womens Aid website and was amazed to see story`s identical to mine. I never really considered myself a victim of ` domestic abuse` as i too only related it to physical abuse and just assumed i`d been unlucky in marrying a moody, manipulative, controlling B*****d so i`m both pleased to find such a great resource but also worried that my `damage` goes deeper than i imagined and how difficult it will be to relive some of the more painful bits. I know its necessary but i feel `desperate` to put it all behind me and not let it define me - does that make sense? I intend to get in touch though as i accept i need some help to deal with this once and for all.
In answer to your question Louise, i feel ok`ish today, but mainly because a good friend of mine invited me and youngest to cinema with her and her son to see ` We bought a Zoo`. Lovely film and had a wonderful message about hope for the future and as one door closes another opens. I like hearing those kind of things it helps me to keep going. Recommend it for kids too as theres lots for them to enjoy.
On another note i would value an opinion. My eldest is like all kids her age and wants latest fone and to be on facebook. On her last birthday she asked for a Blackberry and i said no but she asked dad & he said yes so she got one for her birthday. Once she started secondary school she wanted `facebook` but again i said no as she was only 11 and felt it was too adult an environment and not enough controls. Up to now her dad has disagreed with me but respected my wishes. Last nite she asked me if she could follow twitter and i had some reservations about it so she asked dad and he said he was ok with it but wanted to speak to me. I explained my reservations and he said i was too old fashioned and all kids do it and i should be more `with it`. in the end i gave in under the condition she only followed appropriate people eg teen stars not adults who may be deemed inappropriate & we agreed on this and her dad said he would sign her up and ensure we had her `password` to check up on who she is following. Today i find that she is following ` chris brown, rhianna, lil wayne ` all with dads permission. She`s also following her own dad and told me he has made many tweets expressing his feelings towards his girlfriend and lets just say in a rather explicit manner and also tweets about football where he swears and uses strong language. I`m not happy at all especially as some of the tweets are rather risque. Am i wrong to feel this is inappropriate for a 12 year old as this is causing more tension between me and eldest as she feels dad understands her & i don`t and we had a few crossed words which has left me feeling deflated again. 
Help !
A xx
Hi Mancs lass
Glad you had a look at the website, so many people do not realise that abuse takes so many forms. And I do think it can be VERY hard to realise that you yourself may have been a victim. The good news is that yes you CAN move on from it and our Freedom Programme online can help a lot with this, have a look at it and see what you think.
Great that you enjoyed the cinema!
As far as your daughter is concerned, I must say that I agree that some of the Twitter things sound inappropriate. For a start, not all those stars have lifestyles you may wish her to emulate but more seriously, in my view, it is not Ok for her to know those details about her dad. Maybe her dad would understand if you could explain that she needs to see him as a dad and she will stop doing that if she is subjected to details about his relationship. What I am saying is rather than tell him she is not allowed etc, you might make more headway if you said she will totally lose respect for you as a dad. My own personal view is that mobiles are Ok once children are ten or so and Facebook is not too bad as long as you monitor it. See here for guidance in keeping your children safe online.
It does sound, however, as if this is part of a wider pattern of your daughter's dad trying to undermine you and this is something you need to keep an eye on
Hi Manc-Lass,
I just wanted to let you know you can move on and be happy, I managed it step by step, I started by ensuring every single day I did one thing I enjoyed regardless of how small this seemed as long as I completed this task I started to put myself first and re-build my own feeling of low esteem. I had previously been in a relationship that was so controlling I couldn't even write my own wishes and private thoughts in my diary for fear of it been read, I edited in my head in such a way it would have been fine if "he" read it ( which he did and often mocked me for ). So my moving on also involved me writing what I really felt in my diary, harder than you think when faced with a blank page. But I did it.
Anyway once I started to re-build internal view I had of myself, I actually started to enjoy things and made choices that benefited me, once I started to flex this muscle I moved on to voicing my opinions and standing up for myself. Something that was alien to me previously. And guess what it felt good!!!
On reflection my whole life changed as did the way I viewed life and dealt with problems, simply going from an Ostrich that buried it's head to been alert and actually participating in my life. Making active decisions that affected my life positively.
I have a wonderful Partner who listen's to me ( this was rather difficult to accept in the beginning), I have good friends and lovely life, with no Drama or violence and no fear, Decisions had been made previously with regard to the care of my Child that were out of my control, yet now these decisions are slowly changing and everything looks bright for the future.
Living a life that you have carved out for yourself is priceless and affects every aspect of your personality, My Children are happier they look at me as an inspiration and they know with hard work and tenacity anything can be achieved.
I am not defined by the 20 years of Domestic Violence I tolerated I am a Survivor and not a victim.
We all have the ability to build a wonderful life and a bright future.
Good Luck x
Great post Murray72, thank you for that. I especially liked:
Living a life that you have carved out for yourself is priceless
Any person who has lived with abuse needs to rebuild themselves first before they can move on into a positive violence free future.
Manc-lass, although it is hard to recognise abuse unless it is physical, I am glad that you are seeing that things maybe more serious than you previously thought. Being able to put a name on things can really help you to move forward, rather than questioning everything.
Regarding your eldest daughter, I think it is brilliant that she is speaking with you and asking you 'if she can' join Facebook, twitter etc. it shows that she still respects your opinion. It would be really good to acknowledge that you appreciate her asking you rather than going ahead anyway, but perhaps also asking her why if you have said no she goes and asks her dad. She is old enough to understand that your opinion is being undermined and that you don't appreciate it.
You can share with her that you have concerns, but you want to trust her to make good choices.
So now she has a Blackberry and Twitter. If her father is putting unsavoury stuff on Twitter, why don't you suggest to her that maybe she doesn't follow him? Tell her that she really doesn't want to read all that stuff does she??
I have to say that once our children are in secondary school they learn about the adult world so quickly ie porn, drugs, sex etc etc. There is always somebody trying to boast about any of the above. So my suggestion is that rather than protect them from it all, talk to them about it, keep communication open, so that there are no secrets. Girls especially want to talk about things they learn in school and you can ensure that she is getting her facts right.
I used to worry about my daughter growing up too quickly, but in Year 7 she was at a friends house and her brother had put a gay porn photo as the desktop, it portrayed multiple naked men doing things to each other, apparently they were 'old men'. I was horrified and swore to myself that she would never go round there again. But I soon learnt that you can't protect them from these things they are rife in schools, we just have to keep talking, not show any shock and be the all knowledgable adult.
My daughter joined Facebook at 12, they are all on it and it is better for her to have your consent than do it behind your back. Do you have Facebook?? (It can be a good way to see what they are up to!!)
Thanks for the quick replies, can honestly say it feels good to know that someone out there has my back - so to speak. I`m constantly filled with self doubt and i can`t talk to my family as they find it awkward. I haven`t yet told them the full extent of the `abuse` i endured and i`m not sure i ever will. So it eases the pain to know i can tell someone.
I only realised wheni read your reply Louise, that i hadn`t made my self clear -sorry. Re my daughters `Blackberry`, i wasn`t that she wanted a fone, she already had one, her third one actually costing £75 only a few months before. It was just that once she started Secondary school she felt her fone was uncool and she had to have a Blackberry - never mind the £140 cost. So when i said no & she went to dad.I felt let down by both of them and now she knows if i say no theres a good chance dad will say yes but i want her to learn ` appreciation` and not take things for granted - does that make sense?
Murray 72, thanku for taking the time to send me such a lovely and inspiring reply. I too have always avoided `confrontation` but i`m getting better. I have a long way to go but i hope i`ll get there in time - i just wish i had that magic crystal ball to let me know it will all come good as i`m still plagued with doubt and worries. I want to feel sure of myself, confident and really i would love to be `content` as its something thats always illuded me. Contentment is my goal in life and i`d be happy in whatever form it comes. Your words are an inspiration and i agree that i have to start to make myself happier and start to `like` myself as i always feel a fraud waiting to be found out. Even when my friends tell me they `love the new me`, i doubt their words as i don`t feel `new`.I feel stuck, unable to move on. I have tools now to help with that and i intend to use them as the best thing i can imagine is showing him he didn`t win `I DID`. I`m really glad things turned out well for you, it helps people like me to see that we can make our own future - it is possible! 
Anna, your comments have given me real reassurance. I trust my daughter to make good choices and i`ve never shied away from taking about `anything` as i always felt such a strong need to arm her with information `knowledge is power` so they say. She gets embarrased as all kids do but i keep the lines of communication open as if i can do one thing its protect my girls and help them to be good adults. I hadn`t ever bargained on it being me against dad though, so this is new to me and i want to help her to understand i only have her best interests at heart even if i am `uncool`. He on the other hand will always see it as an opportunity to come out on top and its hard to be the bad guy when i only mean well - I hope in time he will come to realise its better if we stand together on these things but we`ll see. In answer to your question, yes i`m on facebook but i don`t really use it and never post anything myself. If i`m honest i have a huge dislike of it but only because it played such a major part in my marriage breakdown with my husband on it constantly and i mean constantly- till dawn most nights and only getting 2/3 hours sleep. He added women friends constantly and even met up with some, always refusing my `friend request` as `spying on him` and i eventually found out he was seeing a woman on his facebook who was an old school friend of his. But i realise i have to leave my own issues to one side on this one. I have agreed she can join later this year when she is 13 and will stick with this for now if she`s ok with it.
Thanks again to you all, i feel really happy to have such lovely people to talk to. I hope i can do the same for you at some point. All the best to you,
A xxxx
Thank You Manc-Lass and Anna I am happy you found my post helpful.
Manc-Lass I know the feeling your describing when you mention "Fraud" and been found out, I used to feel the same and I am not sure if that is part of the past creeping in and been confused with new feelings and emotions, I spent so much time hiding my abuse from my friends, family, children and myself I was living a lie, when I felt like a fraud after the abuse ended yet I was living a life that was true to myself this made no sense, I doubted myself and worried about making decisions that were considered wrong or stupid etc. I am not sure if this is part of the healing process.
I took each day at a time and accepted I had bad days and good days (WE ALL DO) even that imaginary perfect woman we have lurking in our head that we all aspire to. And you know what it is ok to have an off day.
I also think our Kids are more clued up than we give them credit for, your Ex may be the one who pays out for the new phone, but I bet your the one they couldn't be without. Keep that thought close to your heart whenever you feel uncool.
Have a great day
Hey Manc-lass,
only just read through your posts and wanted to tell you my views on the facebook/twitter situation:
My daughter is 13, she's on facebook, but I don't think she goes on it that much. I dealt with the whole facebook situation by setting up my own account (almost by accident - I asked son No2 what it was all about and he said 'I know, we'll set you up, then you'll know' and bang I had an account) and only allowing the children on under the premis that I was 'befriended' and had access to their accounts.
This has worked well for us - it means my daughter is not excluded from her friends and I can intervene, if the need arises (it has, and I was able to sort it).
In my house, luckily, noone is interested in twitter, but I understand your concerns - No way would I want my daughter to follow Rhianna or want her to read her dad's explicit posts to girlfriend. Can't you talk to her about this and explain why this is so inappropriate? You say you trust her to make good choices, so if she knows why you feel so horrified about this, she'll probably make the right choice?
I sympathise on the blackberry front - my daughter is forever after the latest phone, we have the same discussion every birthday (summer) and Christmas (winter) because she needs to 'upgrade'. Although I don't get it, if that's how she wants to spend her birthday/christmas/pocket money, so be it. She saves up for it, too, and it's totally her responsibility.
Hope I've not repeated too much of what others have said! If so, sorry!
Hi Manc-lass
Our children are growing up in a world where materialism and gadgets rule. It sounds as though you are really conscientious and keeping communication alive.
So although we might not feel that our children are learning to 'appreciate' these 'luxuries' as long as we keep talking about our thoughts, fears and concerns, it is going in somewhere.
Remember all those things that your parents have said and you shunned when you were a teen? And now you can see the value of their point!!??
There is light at the end of the tunnel, My son's have reached Manhood (still act like babies at times lol) but they each have the latest phones and have Contracts they are responsible enough to keep up the monthly payments and now appreciate the cost involved.
I don't know why absent Dad's think they can make up for bad parenting by spending cash on the kids, all this does is de-value the relationship and then the Kids use them for the wrong reason. My Kids were materialistic and often assumed Dad would buy expensive gifts. Then ignore him for another 6 months. (serves him right I say).
Hi and thanks again to Murray72, Anna & Hopeful for your replies, they have given me real reassurance.
I know kids today are probably no different to us in our day, its just that technology moves on. I remember mithering my parents for a `Rolph Harris Xylophone` ( sorry to anyone too young to remember, it was a cool 70`s toy ) but they said no and stood their ground as thought it was expensive rubbish, haha. Funnily enough my mum got one from retro shop for youngest for xmas and i play on it more than she does. Really showing my age now . Anyway my point is that yes i understand they want the latest things but i agree eldest is old enough to use her birthday/xmas money now so i`m going to suggest that in future and it will give her both `independance` but hopefully an awareness of the costs of things. I hope her dad agrees with me on this.
Re `Facebook` i still have my reservations so i`m going to stick with my decision for her to wait a bit longer. Two great websites that i`ve found for any parent/child who has any worries are www.Cybermentors.org.uk & www.Beatbullying.org 
(Don`t mean to lecture anyone but just thought the websites are useful to know)
Well i`m going to place my cheeky bet on the Grand National now - i love watching it - don`t have any great tips but like to sound of ` Viking Blond` after Eric in `True Blood` and `Organised Confusion` which is my life at the moment . Wish Red Rum was running! .
Good luck to anyone having a little bet today and enjoy the weekend.
Best Wishes
A xxxx
hi im a manc lass,im thinking of going thru legal way,geting an injunction stop ex from turning up and harasing me and stalking,ive ad police involved to many times now,hes had harassment orders but i end up going back,now im thinking of injunction,dont no my rights tho
Hi Manc-Lass (nice name - Im a manc too!),
I read your story and it sounds like you have already moved on. You have a new found confidence and your family and friends, new job etc. I think you need to pat yourself on the back for what you have already achieved. Well done.
As for the dating game - well dont worry about being alone in the future because someone special will come along and maybe the time isnt right now as you say you have finally found your independence?! Do you feel lonely at the moment? because if not then just carry on doing as your doing and Mr Right will come find you. If you feel like you are ready and want someone special right now then why not test the waters slowly, go out with friends and see whos about, or maybe try chatting to people online (but be careful about meeting anyone) just to get used to communicating with the opposite sex again?
I wish you well either way. Good luck.