Awww trying hard, sorry you're so down at the moment. It is horrid isn't it, when despite what our ex's put us through, we still hanker after them for ages, wondering why etc. Perhaps you're just feeling particularly lonely right now, so feeling the need for him? Don't beat yourself up with all these questions, (though I can hardly speak, as I've done the same in the past). All I can say, is you do survive, you do get through the pain and heartache, you're a wonderful person and a fantastic Mum. Hugs for you. xx
Thanks Hazeleyes , i just wish i could stop asking myself these questions , i have even thought of asking him outright what had gone wrong? when did he stop loving me? but then my pride kicks in and dont want him to see me hurting so bad , is he hurting?
I think asking yourself questions is part and parcel isn't it. Don't concern yourself over whether he is hurting or not, if he is, he's brought it on himself. If you asked him the questions that you have, do you think he'll give you the answers?
He's a very deep person and when you want him to open up you have to probe him, so i think you are right he wont have the answers not the honest ones anyway, my mum always says that he's good at turning everything into someone elses fault. So id be doing myself no favours really as everything would be my fault and id probarbly dwell on that and put myself down .
Thanks Hazeleyes its good to talk i do feel really lonely at the moment hope it will pass soon!!
If he'd just turn it on you, I wouldn't bother then, though of course it's your choice in the end. I actually think you'd be heading for more heartbreak, and feeling more down than you do now. You will pick up again soon though trying hard. We're all here to support you, you have your Mum, you've got new friends now too. xx
Hi trying hard, I think one of the very hardest aspects of a split is asking ourselves "why?" and I have known a lot of people who say that if they could just understand this then they could move on more easily. But it is a bit like hitting your head against a brick wall, you will NEVER really understand and it is better to accept that now rather than continuing to pick at it, like a scab that won't heal. You had a lot to put up with, when he was in prison, but please don't see this as a stigma, especially not on you.
Of course you will still feel shell shocked and hurt and lonely, but as Hazeleyes says you have a whole new life to move on with now, you're doing a great job...and we are all here for you 
I have to say that while it did take a while, once I accepted he was never going to give me any answers - and probably enjoyed the fact that I asked them - and then I did start to feel better.
It's a case of getting to the point of acceptance though.
Yes i do agree with you sparkling it is getting to that point of accepting its all over, i have days when i hardly think about him and did start to feel proud of the fact i was doing so well but now i seem to have gone backwards. I dont want him back, i dont think my eldest would be happy about that as he is aware of the pain and hurt he has caused me. I think i need to have more confidence in myself but find it hard to do that. Thank you for the support you really dont know how much it means to me xxxxx
Don't be hard on yourself though, as it took me a VERY long time...
xxx
about how long did it take you sparkling if you dont mind me asking x
If I might say... I imagine it would be differnt for every one and then I don't thing you every get completly over someone, not utterly, not when there are kids involved.
I look at mine from time to time and I can see their mum, I take lots of pictures of them and I see her in my daughters jaw line, my sons brow and eyes, some of their mannerisms, they way they hold their hands, their tempermet at times... as examples... and sometimes I remember things and I fell a loss.
Not like I wish we could be back togeather but maybe like I wish things could have been different, well her anyway : )
Sometimes the best way to deal with someone is to not deal with them.
I think the thing is to concentrait on the now, accept the past and then the future will happen.
It's an old adage but time heals... also 'their are plenty more fish in the sea' which used to make me want to jump up and down and froth at the mouth when ever I heard it.
The best thing to do is to think about something else, but I know that's not so easy.
: )
I agree it varies from person to person, and also varies with what the relationship was like. As with any period of mourning (which is what it is), each "first" can be difficult...the first Christmas apart, the first anniversary, and after that things do seem to get easier for most people. If you are really struggling then it might be worth thinking about having a few sessions with a counsellor? But, each to his own
Bubblegum says it well. I just had a lot of issues that didn't need to happen though which made things harder.
I never missed him. Just would have liked those questions answered... Ones that went back to before my eldest son was born. It's surprising how much you do see after you split up.
I know what you mean Bubblegum when you say think about something else, it has worked for a while i was painting the stairs and landing but now that has finished im back to dwelling (just have to buy more paint i guess!!!).
It is surprising how much we see after we split up im with you on that sparkling, i think thats why im asking myself all questions that only he can answer but then i think if he does answer them am i going to dwell on the answers which is not going to help me move on. I think ive just hit a bad lonely patch and telling myself he was everything (my friend, my family,) just got to go with these feelings and hope it gets better!
I think at the moment he has stopped drinking and im seeing the man i first met, but how long will that last christmas is coming up and i think the drinking will start again, it is the old cliche' that leopards never change their spots. Ive taken him back in the past and remember laying in bed crying thinking to myself why have i let this happen again he hasnt changed!
I think because you have seen a change in him (again) it's only natural to think that maybe he has changed, and perhaps this time it'll be for good. Only you know the real him trying hard. You've taken him back before, and like you say, you've ended up in tears when you've realised that he hasn't changed at all. Be strong, and be true to yourself. I really hope you can move on from this, but like everything, it'll take time. xx
Thanks Hazeleyes you are right i do know the real him but i do fool myself into its going to get better i have to be true to myself ive wasted 10years waiting for him to get his act together and lost my family over it too , so i know that i have to move on from this its just getting there and the hurt you have to deal with first. My mind is playing tricks on me just thinking about the nice him and not the real him. xx
The mind has a habit of playing tricks doesn't it. I hope you had a good time with your eldest today. I'm sure he's delighted to get you to himself every now and again, though he probably wouldn't admit it, hehe.
Yes he does like having me to himself , we went into town and payed money into his bank account so he can use his new bank card (feels older now!!) then came back home and watched abit of telly together it was nice. Although hes 14 and he does have his moods and tantrums,hes very affectionate and likes to have a hug (hed go nuts if he knew i was typing this he he)
As for the ex we just dont chat or anything just exchange childs car seats and thats that. My daughter has dropped me in it though i always ask how she enjoyed and what did you do what did you chat about , today before i could say anything she said " i asked daddy that you wanted to know if he had a girlfriend" I was screaming inside NOOOOOO i kept calm and said what do you mean she replied "i heard you talking to Grandma" that will teach me to speak in front of the kids even though they look preoccupied!!!!!
Oh blimey!!! I had to laugh though. Yes, we do have to be SO careful what we say on the phone. C could be doing the violin, but would still hear me. Only in a flat, so sometimes it is difficult, and you can even hear with the doors shut. Wonder what the ex made of that one though 
Yes i bet he was calling me a few nosey so and so's, she said " dad told me to tell you he had ten" There you go serve my own right for thinking of him it has made me laugh though which makes a change!
The thing about your daughter made me smile, my son is always listening in on adult conversation and getting the wrong end of the stick. He'll say something and it will take me a few seconds to realise what he's on about and where he got it from. He's actualy under strick instruction under pain of death to not open his mouth when ever we go to the DWP, I've told him to just sit there look hungry and smile.
yes kids really do drop us in it, but im so glad that there has been a bit of humour in all this upset i dont know how the ex has taken it but to be honest i dont care my daughter has made my day (admittingly i did cringe when she came out with it) ive had a giggle and ive been taught a lesson too!!!!
Oh trying hard, yes it was good that it ended up in a humorous way and heck it does bear out what we always say about the kids. My mum used to call my son Jodrell Bank when he was little
Yes they are good at chirping up at the wrong time!! She has said to me last nite whilst watching x factor , You could go and marry Gary Barlow if you want friends , if only life was that simple!!!!!
Wonder if Gary Barlow would be nice, or perhaps surprising like what Nick knowles was...
Will we ever find out, ladies??
MMMMM lets see i think im too busy to bother with the celebs!!!!!
...but I would be prepared to make an exception in my busy schedule.....let's see, I am free five weeks on Tuesday if that would suit him? 
They wouldn't know what's hit them, meeting us lot 
Teehee, what do you mean? we are an army of lovelies!
I have to say that I'd quite like to meet Gary to find out 
And quite, hazeleyes!
I used to say that Nick would want to marry me once he met me. It could be that he does, however...
Sparkling have you met Nick Knowles? If so whats he like?
Sparkling was hiding behind the TV van at the time, so missed her chance If only she wasn't so camera shy, hehe, lol
Oh sparkling thats no good hiding behind the van , If you had met him i bet that damp would have been sorted he he.
I did meet him briefly. 'Our' plumbers were helping with a DIY SOS project locally. The chap from Cornwall is lovely and I had a kiss of Billy (which I didn't even want!), but the plasterer chappy with hair didn't want to chat and Nick was surprising.
Didn't I put a photo on the family quilt?
I saw a pic of it, I think you posted a naughty link to it on a thread at the time and a few of us peeped before you took it away.....
trying hard, sparkling said that NK was not very friendly in real life 
Definitely so many of my dreams shattered, and such an effect on my television viewing. 
Just reading back your posts trying hard...Personally, I don't think he will change( sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but from experience it's what I think)...not a case of leopards and spots...just the fact that they are self-centered, selfish people), and where drink is involved, they just won't stop...( my H is/was a bit of a binge drinker, and because of drink, did what he did a year ago- according to him, but probably just another excuse....he never changed his ways though)...Maybe he will stop for his OW, but in the long term, he is selfish, so ultimately it will be what he wants to do...
I just think you will be causing yourself more pain...My motto in life is' Everyone desreves a second chance' After that they've blown it....You've given yours more than that already...now it's time to heal yourself, and move on...
( Sorry if that was a bit long)...
Wise words, Mich
That wasnt long Mich just spot on! I do need to heal ive been in and out of a relationship with him for 10yrs and i just think what a waste , but i know i cant give him anymore love , support than ive been giving him, time to just face up to it now and stop punishing myself. How are you feeling after the weekend?
Sparkling its a shame NK wasnt what we all expect him to be thats telly for you!!
Morning trying hard...well mornings at the moment aren't good for me, ( although I have been sleeping ok)...It's weird how things/times change when you feel down isn't it?....but I am going out later to meet my new friend( another single Mum I met through SPIN), and then taking the cat to the Vets later...as she keeps scratching her neck raw...I think at least tomorrow when I get my blood results I will know more what's going on...
How about you today?
Hi Mich hope your cat is ok poor thing. How did your afternoon go with your friend good i hope.
We are ill here with a tummy bug so not much energy at the moment, its hard trying to care for everyone when youve no energy yourself. Good luck with your blood results tomorrow let us know xx
Will do, and sorry you are feeling so poorly at the moment..I hope you get some energy back soon too.
Well got back from the Vets £44.30 lighter( for an anti itching injection which didn't work because she started scratching again when she got home), and a few tablets to put in her food....I'm going to have to email my H to ask him for money...but haven't yet seen either a re conditioned tumble dryer or the money for the call out on it...
So we'll see...( I don't even want to have to email him...I don't want any contact with him...I haven't for over a week..it seems longer, but it helps not having to contact him...Oh well....
huh i caved in and talked to my ex about why he left, i think it has done me good as i can see him for what he really is, he reckons that things fizzled out between us as the kids took up all my time!!!!!! Hello if he helped out a bit then id have more time, also he said id see what he didnt do and not what he did do so that got to him, on the day he walked out he admitted to over-reacting and was thinking of trying to make it up to me but my mum and eldest son blanked him so he knew it had gone to far. What did he expect a warm welcome, for us all to say how much we have missed him, well all ican say is that he only has himself to blame.
Christmas is coming and he wants to come down the house to give the kids their presents in the morning, the only problem is that my mum and eldest dont want to see him or be in the same room as him, so ive explained to them that he can come and sit in the front room to see the little ones so they wont have to talk to him, hard trying to keep everyone happy as i dont wont to spoil christmas.
Oh trying hard,at least if you feel it has done you some good, then better that i suppose...
At least you are thinking ahead to Xmas too...he is lucky you are even letting him in your house then, so he had better behave...I hope it isn't too stressful for you...
hi there, welcome to the site. just so you know you are not alone. also been hurt by ppl who you trust...hopefully what they say is true-time is a great healer!
Hi misha 1983 how are you? Yes i believe they do say time is a great healer i for one hope so.
Thanks mich i think it has done me good i dont seem to be constantly thinking of him its like i am coming to terms with it being over, i got quite bad as i was thinking of him constantly which i started to think of the good times rather than what life was like with him, so speaking to him has been a bit of a wake up call.
that is something then trying hard...It's all part of the healing process though and the shock we go through....It really is hard, but thank God for this place and support from lovely people that help us cope with it eh?
Thanks Louise, i have just ordered that book i need something to help me understand what im feeling at the moment. I know the relationship was strained as it never felt the same between us after he had been away for 18 months at HMPS. I was embarased by him and rose above it for our kids, i then started to shut myself off from what it felt like the world, the mums at my daughters school asked me out last christmas but i didnt go as i didnt want to get to relaxed in conversation and let things slip out , just pretended it didnt happen. ( cant believe ive just admitted that!)
I think i was hoping that things would have gone back to the way they were but it didnt and i think he just became restless and like you said his needs were changing i had been there to help him when he was released , a taxi for him now he has his liciense back im not needed, i was there to cook him meals but now he has his own place and a job he doesnt need me for free meals. The only good that has come out of all this is that he does spend 2hrs with the kids which he never done before. Its funny though that the kids havent missed him i think that while he lived with us that he done so little with them they didnt rely on him for anything, so in their eyes they still living their lives as they were before with me doing everything so no big change. He never even use to say good morning to them which use to really bug me. ahhh sorry for moaning and giving my life history its good to let off steam!! Perhaps if i read this post when im missing him i will see the reality rather than think of the fantasy of when everything was good!