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Thanks for that - it was and will look into - thanks again for the advice. Its been interesting reading what has been written on here as my experience was that if my wife (ex wife now) was beating me, then I called the police (999) twice and they did nothing. I must admit I am considering making a formal complaint about this to the Police although it was several years ago, but I do believe this helped to escalate the situation and my drinking. The one time I stood up for myself (I didnt hit her but I did hurt her wrist as I was trying to restrian her from hitting me) I got arrested and she was absolutely paraletic/drunk when she made her statement. It seemed as though I was the big bloke and she was the little woman. I am amazed that some blokes get away with anything as my experience has been the other way around!! I have actually done very little about my situation which has not helped me, but the important thing for me was to get away and get well, which I did. Now i can cope with most of lifes things but I would like to tackle some of the things from my past, not only for my sake but hopefully those that need to learn, do so.
Hi Older Mother and I do hear what you are saying - in fact I would tend to agree with you. However, I did the battling through the system and it got me nowhere but penniless and mentally unwell. There is an argument that by being there for my daughter I have actually 'enabled' my ex to get away with things. Silly example: if I buy a coat for my daughter because her mum cant buy one as spent money on drugs then yes I am helping my daughter, but am also enabling her mum to keep using money on drugs etc. By not looking out for my daughter things may go down hill sufficiently that authorities will step in quicker than if I try to help. The other thing is that all this battling costs money. I am hopeful that in years to come when she is old enough to make a reasoned decision she will come looking for me - as long as I continue to do the right things. If I look after myself now (not just financially - but at mo this is a priority) then I will be in a better position to help her. More long term mentally well is important as if she does come looking for me and I have had a breakdown/commit suicide then there is not much for her to benefit from. So at the risk of sounding selfish to have any chance of being able to help her - I have to put me first. Thats all I am trying to do. That said I do hear what u r saying.
I have taken a lot of advice from single mothers that know me well and they all say that I have done more than their kids respective fathers. I also feel that I have done as much as I can do at this moment, but as with me writing in a book about it, there is more than one way to 'skin a cat' apparently. Good old northern(?) saying. Without trying to sound big headed/arrogant I can look at myself in the mirror and feel comfortable with what I have done. Some can do more but they are not in my shoes. However thanks for your comments. I dont want to sound dismissive as i am appreciating links, comments and suggestions. Take care and all have a brill day. BTW will you divulge your solicitors details?? No guarantee I will use them but I am going to do as much research as I can before I choose one. Going to CAB later today hopefully. Have a goood day!!
I knew the opposite arguement of what I wrote was what your reply would be and I totally get it, understand it, respect it. I live with the opposite of father having no contact due to court orders, alcoholism, drug addiction, fleeing area, him giving up any rights to see his child. But being 'older' and 'wiser'?? or a 'cynic' am able to know and see the psychologigal impact all this has on children. But also get 100% that you need to be well and in right place to be able to see your daughter when time is right.
Think am too opioniated, and bit too gobby. Think need to bow out and let people make their own decisions without my interference. When look at mess own life is in who am I to offer up an opionion when can't get own house in order!!!
I really do value your input and would be gutted if you bowed out. I dont mind anyone putting another side because genuinely I might not have thought of that other point of view. I am not perfect either!! If I was, my life wouldnt be such a mess either!!! lol. Too opinionated, too gobby, older, wiser, cynic - yeah they can be our weaknesses but most would see them as strengths as well. Keep on being you, I will keep on being me and 'Iamdoingthis' can keep on being her with her new tattoo to be done and we can all help each other??? Take care 
from Mr Shades
Hey, here is the details of solicitor. Google him and see what you think.
Damian Clancy LL.B(HONS)
Bawtrees LLP
01376 513491
Good luck with CAB.
MODERATOR: this firm has been mentioned by this particular member and doesn't constitute a recommendation by One Space or SPAN
Ta v much - have brill day!!!
Hello Older Mother
Your views are very welcome, please do not bow out 
All charlie, I do agree with OM that it is important to stay in touch with your daughter, She needs one stable parent and more than a new coat (I know that is only an example) she needs to know that her dad loves her and stuck around. If contact if not possible or sporadic, send postcards, and she will have a mobile phone before too long for texts. You say she will be able to make her own decsion one day about spending time with you...yes she will, but if you have kept the relationship goingin the meantime then there is much more chance of that.
Hi there Louise
Thanks for your comments. Still undecided whether to keep posting opinions, will have to see.
But on topic of allcharlie stopping contact with his daughter.......your comment is most valid and allcharlie perhaps if he had not,for example, bought his daughters coat the mother would not have either because she'd have still spent the money on drugs! My ex partner would still feed his addictions whether we needed food etc etc or not. Addicts are selfish people. Allcharlie has to be able to stand up at the end of the day and put his hand on hie heart and say I did everything I could for my daughter. Even when he feels terrible the thing that needs to keep him going is his daughter. I went to hell and back (not saying it's any different for allcharlie or anyone else on here) but I had to/have to keep going for my child. If something happened to me what would happen to my child? I cannot let them end up with a parent they've never been brought up by, who is still an alcoholic and drug addict been their carer. And that legally is a real possiblity. Allcharlies daughter needs to know that her father was oin her life all the time and tried his hardest for her. Children can be less forgiving than we realise and it has a huge psychological effect on them. He needs to be a constant in her life when all the other chaos is going on. Drugs=chaos, believe you me.
Think I've prob said too much again.
Am a product of broken family my self so know how it's affected me. my child is a worse situation because of what's gone on in there short life. My ex partner ruined me mentally, physically and financially, and I still have to live with the fall out on a daily basis (have stated this before) but have to keep on keeping on wether feel like it or not because I have a resposibilty to my child.
OM u have a lot of wisdom and this thread would be a lot worse off if you didnt contribute. You are entitled to your opinions as much as anyone including me. We dont even have to agree - although it seems we do which is good!!. It doesnt make u or me right/wrong it just means we might have different view points on somethings. Thats all. Like Louise said - stick around!! Plse!!!
That said - thanks OM and Louise for you comments. I will think again about situation. Can I explain a cple of things. Again this is just an example. When I was in Spain (still have copy of text smwhere) ex sent a message saying she had bought dghtr (then 7ish) a phone and I 'had' to top it up so she could spk to me. I topped it up regularly but rarely got a call. I subsequently learned ex was using credit. Away around this was for me to ring my dghter, which worked but cost a fortune at the time - spanish landline to english mobile. Again I subsequently learned ex had a landline number she refused to let me have. The way I see it she just wants me to incur unnecessary costs. She wants to hurt me in any way she can?
Whatever I now do for my dghter seems to be taken for granted/ignored by her. I say this as an example: last year i took her dolphin watching (Portmouth to Santander - bit of shopping - and return. Bght her a lovely dress as well which she chose - it cost a small fortune for a child!!). When all this kicked off again I got a very nasty email from dghtr saying I do nothing for her. All i got is vitriol. I understand its not really my dghtr speaking she is copying what she hears from them. I dont dislike her for it but it also doesnt endear me either!! I also paid for school trip to Germany - again ignored. When I was in my last job (last year) I was earning a good income. I was finally getting on my feet again. This next bit is absolutely true. Life at the time was so good it could hardly get better. Lovely sunny evening etc. Nice tunes on radio. Set the scene??? lol I went to Tesco just after dropping my dghtr off and on my way home. They had those big tins of choccies, Roses, QS etc for £4.50. I bought 4. I also went to speed bank and withdrew money. I drove back to dghter give her a tin to share and also made a point of giving ex even more money £60 than I was paying by direct debit. Not alot i grant you but a good gesture. This is how I get repaid. Two months later I get CSA saying i havent been paying anything and ex is lying about it all!!! You have to laugh or sometimes i would commit murder!!! lol Oh and I lost the job about a month later!! lol Priceless - u couldnt make it up!!!
Like I said I have to think of me. Financially I am broke again but just about turning it around. Ex wife is and has used dghter as a stick to beat me with - its the only tool (other than violent husband) she has. If I distance myself then the tool becomes useless? My plan is to keep my distance but send cards for birthday, xmas, easter etc plus other occasional stuff (which I have been doing but could improve on) but to write a book detailing all that has gone with supporting evidence so that I can give this to her as a present when she is old enough. She can make an informed decision if she is arsed enough to read it. To be honest from what I have seen of her recently she is copying her mother and in some respects i dont want that. My dghter is not the lovely nice girl she once was.
My focus rightly or wrongly has to be on me and maybe to battle with ex over things through the courts. I sent off my case to Independant Case Examiner yesterday over my battle with CSA. I have also considered going through Small Claims Court regarding taking my ex through there for lying about non payment. I have got copies of texts and cheque stubs, so even if CSA wont listen I may have a case through there?? As said previously many ways of skinning a cat but I am very welcome to your opinions and viewpoints!! I have learnt that I am not always right!!!!
allcharlie, may I ask how old your daughter is? Forgive me if you've already written that
She is now 12
Before new husband was on scene she was a lovely girl - even when the drug dealer was around!! Since new husband on scene she has gone down hill in her behaviour and attitude towards me. Not blaming new husband it could be hormones, age that sort of thing but the lovely girl that first stayed with me in Spain appears to have long since gone!!!
I can hear that you've really got your back against the wall with all this. 12 is the start of a really difficult age re girls and fathers.
lol thanks!! You inspire me!! lol - no offence meant!!! Maybe I am better off just sticking to my focus on me mentally lol - does it ever get any better?? If so what age can I see light at the end of the tunnel? Sounds like a Hindhead one!! Incidentally I have a good mate in AA who used to be a right bad lad up until abt 2 years ago!! Since he stopped drinking he has turned his life around in fairness to him with help and I've got to know him well. He has just had his daughter (11 years old) over and she was over him like a rash. He has little money but she does not care. She enjoyed time with her dad. Brilliant to see and must admit was a bit envious - she was like mine used to be. Mine is now the opposite. She wants everything - yesterday from me. I cant help think its what shes been taught - she is copying her mother. That said your message does say 12 so maybe he has all this to look forward to??
Well I did want to say stop spending your money on her and just try and see what occurs. My father walked out on us and clearly didn't want anything to do with us. This continued and worsened as time progressed. he didn't contribute financially, emotionaly, etc etc in my life. Histroy, unfortunately, has repeated itself in my own life.
Don't feel guilty for feeling envious of your mate, who wouldn't want what he's just experienced. Your daughter will be coping her mother to some extent, she is afterall a product of her upbringing and parenting that she experiences. That's why think you should seriously consider not not seeing her.........you are her constant; her grounding; her tie to 'normality'. She may have started acting up when new husband came along for a number of reasons.....bet he's been told on a number of occassions 'but you're not my Dad'!!!
Oh, and you're an adult, you can see the bigger picture, the pit falls, have more life experience, etc etc.
When you're 11, 12 +++++++++ you have attitude. think you know everything.........been there, done that, got the t-shirt etc etc. But in fact thy've never even been out the front door!
Thanks OM very interesting and constructive. If she is saying 'but youre not my dad' in my opinion he deserves it with the way he has tried to speak to me. At Xmas just gone he was after this extra CSA money based on their lies. I think he wanted me to go around with it cash if he got his way. He was telling me how I had done nothing for my dghter and that I should be ashamed of myself. 3 months earlier he had put my dghter and his own 2 children on 'At Risk Register'. Yet I should be ashamed.
My father was very much the same as u described. So much so that i have gone out of my way not to be like him. To have it levelled at you that u r being like he was, bloody hurts, but I also know it is not true. They are trying to manipulate to get me to pay more, so they can feed their habits. How else do two pple who dont work pay for drink and drugs. Break the law?. I am just waiting for them to be caught.
Not sure if I have already mentioned his, but last year ex wife was touching my hand (she got in car with me after dropping dghtr off) and was trying to tell me how good I had been/was - on Monday she was screaming in our street about what a **** I was. I may have been a bit Jekyll n Hyde when i was drinking but that is taking the biscuit!!
So you have your own thread!!!!
Sit ok with you?
lol - yeah its fine with me lol. I am an alcoholic - I dont need resentments as I am likely to drink on them!! lol
I must admit I felt bad keep putting my shit on 'Iamdoing...'s thread so think it is sensible to separate the two. I will still follow her thread though as I am a nosey b*gger and its nice to see people get well/grow and get on with their lives if that dont sound too patronising. Hopefully she will come and visit me too!! lol
I know some of my messages are quite long but what I am finding is that I forget/push things to the back of my mind regarding my ex. When I try writing my book I clam up/cant think and therefore cant write. Oddly this is a good way of coaxing stuff out of myself. Bizarre!!
Not bizarre at all. You're being prompted/asked questions which is making you recall stuff that's been consciously/unconsciously 'buried'. Also time passes and so receeds our ability to recall details so easily.
Additionally, been told first hand by Chartered Clinical Psychologist that when a person has suffered Trauma it DIRECTLY affects our ability to recall and remember information, details and so on. Very convienent for the abuser wouldn't you say??!! That's why it's so good you've kept texts, cheque stubbs etc as abuser will tell you black is white and as innocent party it's down to you to prove otherwise!!!
I felt bad too about talking to you on Imdoingthis's board; I must take my share of blame and some.
Hi allcharlie, please do keep commenting on Imdoingthis thread as I think your support is invaluable, not only with being further down the line from DV, but also your experience of alcoholism. It just seemed like you could do with 'your own space'!
I am wondering if either of the following organisations might be of some support to you or actually at this point in your life - you be a support to them? There is so little for men who have experienced DV, I read an article today saying that Roger Moore (007) was in 2 abusive relationships - he revealed this on the Piers Morgan show.
Emotional support and practical information for men suffering abuse - Helpline - 01823 334 244
Offers advice and support for men in abusive relationships - Helpline - 0808 801 0327
There is so little support or understanding for men who have experienced DV, I read an article today saying that Roger Moore (007) was in 2 abusive relationships - he revealed this on the Piers Morgan show. I hope that this highlights and raises awareness within all professional organisations from the police to Cafcass and the courts.
I have a male friend who has had similar issues with his daughter, she became very like her mother (who had stopped contact etc etc) however once she became a fully fledged adolescent she started to see through her mothers cracks, they argued incessantly and now at 18, she has a brilliant relationship with her dad, completely independant of mum.
Hi Older Mother, I am sorry to hear that your father walked out and lost contact, did you have a good relationship with him?
Early on in the threads I did apologise to IDT and she was fine 'more the merrier' was her respose but I understand the need to separate the two out. IDT seemed cool about it and if not I aint too big to apologise.
Interesting what you say about the CCP - I joke that I have the memory retention of a goldfish with Alzheimers because I do seem to forget a lot, in fact I seemed to remember more when i was drinking. Unlike a lot of alcoholics I didnt really suffer with blackouts. I had the occasional one, but now I question how many I actually had. For example now I know what a liar my ex is, I actually question some of the stuff she used to tell me. Whereas when I was on my own before and after her I had very few blackouts.
I just wish with the stuff that I had kept I had been more organised. I generally am well organised but with all the moving etc I have kept things in different places and now it is a struggle piecing all together. Also a lot of texts I kept - some I had copied from phone to writing as SIM card was not big enough to keep any more texts. However some were still on phone (not SIM) and phone got dropped and broken. Result - texts lost!
I read you apologised, it's all cool I'm sure.
Don't beat yourself up about losing stuff/stuff going missing. You'll have to work with what you've got and can remember.
Is the daughter in question your only child?
Anna - no problem at all and thanks for your comments and advice. DV with men whilst obviously occurring seems to get forgotten. My ex wife has tried to turn the tables on me and make out it was me who was violent. I am not perfect but I am not going to take mantles I dont deserve, hence also why I want to write the book. I can go through each 'thread' and highlight the holes in her defence.
Its interesting what you say about your friend. I think (hope!!!!) this will happen with my daughter. At some stage she will see things for herself (I did with my parents) and rather than me trying to mess and maybe control the situation, a tactical withdrawal may be better option. It also means I can channel my energies more constructively which may also help my cause long term!!??
Hi OM - no I also have a 3year old boy by more recent girlfriend. Everything is good there!! So far!!
Everything will stay good with your 3 year old etc as I think you'd be more 'on it' if things started to move in wrong direction and you'd work it out before it got out of hand. Do you agree?
Have been reading over some of what you've replied to my opnions/comments and it's quite stricking how you have experienced very similar situations to myself through mental, physical and financial abuse. The obvious stricking difference is though that I've kept my child with me. Is it wrong to ask this; but have you never considered applying for sole custardy of your daughter, or was that out of the question? Don't answer if you don't want to.
Hi all Charlie Come to check your new thread out ! Hope that's ok?
I havnt cought up yet as I havnt read all your current posts but I will x
Don't forget to come over to my thread sometimes ;)
Or residency?
Thanks for that - yes I have learned a lot and did some of the growing up I needed to. I know I am an alcoholic - to me now I have no doubt, but my drinking and behaviour was very different from most. My ex started drinking heavily after birth of dghter. You could say she had post natal. I dunno. All I do know is she wasnt much better before the birth either. That said for about 6 months after birth she was okay. We both still drank, maybe moderately, but then her behaviour got weird. I think this is when she got into drugs but not totally sure and I started experiencing violence. I started keeping a diary which had been advised. However things changed dramatically over a period and it became a car crash of a relationship and I sank further into alcoholism whilst she got into cocaine. Drink almost killed me Amy Winehouse style and that was my wake up call. Once I woke up and smelt the coffee instead of taking her word for things I started checking things out. Its difficult to explain some of these things but she had been with me and a friend one day and she asked for us to drop her at her mums. Vague recollection: We went and she said 'oh she is in, the light is on in the window'. I looked and couldnt see a light on. I asked my mate and he couldnt see a light on either. Things werent adding up. She would tell me that our daughter had had a whole tin of beans for lunch. She might have been 12 months old at the time. I would say a whole tin or a half tin. She would assure me it was a big tin and she had ate all of it and then I would get home and there would be a big tin in the fridge, with some taken out and some left on the side which had obviously been cooked but she hadnt ate. This happened often and it didnt add up. Why lie about it?? I was also increasingly coming home to empty alcohol bottles whilst I had been at work all day. At that stage she was the alcoholic and I was more like a casual heavy drinker. If that makes sense?
Anyhow getting back to what u asked. I went for custody, but I had recently admitted to my alcoholism and the court understandably viewed that dimly. It had almost killed me. I knew she was on drugs because of things she had said to me predominantly but also things I had checked out. She lied and cont'd to lie and she got custody. As I think I have said previously CAFCASS officer eventually recommeded me for custody provided I could prove she was on drugs and drug dealer was still on scene. She said she had split with drug dealer and refused to take another drug test. Court refused to make her take one. She has subsequently admitted almost gloatingly at times that drug use continued and the relationship continued supposedly until he threatened her with a knife, which supposedly my dghter was witness to. Ideally I would like to know of a way to get this back in to Court where it could be proved she has lied to the Court/Court Official and hopefully justice be served. I think this is too much to ask??
Anyhow thats my shit??? What about your story or have you got that out of your system?? I think mine is very much still in my system, hence why I am writing a lot. need to get it off my chest
Have thought this since reading your posts over last couple of days; I cannot understand why your solicitor did not fight harder for further drugs tests on your ex wife, and how the court could get away with not retesting her as she'd tested positive previously??? It makes no sense to me at all. Not 100% sure of this but think you can go back to court and challenge ruling, especially if she is still doing drugs now? Cocaine and alcohol, now there's a dangerous mix!!!
You finding the writing cathartic? Is that why you want to write your book?
My story? I live with it everyday. Mine is still very much immediate. As said before, think it's got some connection to having his child.
I truely don't believe it'll ever go away, just that it's happened another day further in the distance as each day passes.
I'll never be the same person I was prior to that relationship. But I'll never let myself get in a situation like that again either, so a positive to take from it??!!
You sure you want to hear my story? Or you just being polite!!!!!!! Guess it'll help you understand some of the responses I post, and that I'm not as wise as you think!!!!!!!!!
I dont think she was as good as I thought she would be however I guess the quick answer is money!! I was haemorraging money and i couldnt affford to fight any more!! Hence why I have been asking for good solicitor now. I want to fight but also I need to know if I can do it on Legal Aid or if I can get a solicitor to fiight for me that can take the money if I got compensation for example. I am only interested in the result. Just to elaborate I think i got poorly treated by police. Got arrested when ex made drunken statement. You have hit the nail on the head with the writing but not just cathartic I want to show my daughter I would even write a book for her because I love her. Not many people would or have done that? Her mum and violent a***hole wouldnt even write a text unless its asking for money. They are scum and I want to prove it. But prove it in a way they cant easily wriggle out of. I know they are devious, clever manipulators.
Yeah I would be really interested to hear your story and hope i dont sound patronising/false. I am genuinely interested or just bloody nosey but yeah it would be good to get to know you. Its funny you say you will never be the same and maybe i dont like to admit that to myself but I think you are right. I have perhaps wrongly blamed not having drink as my crotch for my inner anger at times but thinking about the rage is probably more likely hurt pride at being turned over/stitched up..
Dont feel compelled to tell only if u want to however I get the feeling u r strong enough now to do what you want without me telling you!! lol
Stupidity. I feel totaly stupid that I got sucked in and abused. But that is what they do; they are exceptionally charming, and as you said very devious and clever manipulators who will do anything but take responsibilty for their actions. Blame everybody else but themselves.
I'll start telling you my story tomorrow as have to sign off now.
No worries I have a lot of work to do tomoro/Friday so if I dont respond straiightaway please understand. Nothing personal - honest!! Take care and sleep well
Morning all charlie, the links that Anna has given you are great so do check them out. It sounds as if your daughter's mum is very much trying to turn her against you and it does seem to be all about money, rather than love. I think the book is an excellent idea, when you are writing it can I suggest that you are really careful not to put the emphasis on how badly you have been treated (although you really, really have been!) and think of it as a gift for your daughter as to your feelings for her, your dreams for her and how you never stopped loving her. If you want, write TWO books, one for yourself too.
Children, and especially teens, are not really interested in our emotional processes. I sometimes look at my two boys (pretty grown up now) and think "You have no idea...." We were at a birthday meal recently and talking with eldest about the fact that he had no regular hours at his job and I said you could get a second job I guess, when you were little I had five jobs patched together" Their mouths fell open and I must admit I thought "finally you may understand! Ask me about it then!" but they changed the subject. So what I am saying is that our processes are OURS. Disappointing but true.
Hello Older Mother! I am glad you have your child with you. Agree with you that you will never be the same as you were before that relationship. Every relationship changes us somewhat but some REALLY change us, hey, how wise are we becoming? It would be good if you felt able to share with us and it is great that you are hearing echoes of your own experiences with all charlie's, after all we are all here to support each other.
Thanks Louise - daft as it sounds I am not too sure which way the book is going to be written. I am just going to write it and see. As much as I am minded to write it for my daughter, I also want to write it for me and I also want to write it in a slightly condemning way regarding the relevant authorities, so they can hopefully look at themselves and learn from mistakes. Eg: police treatment of me seems I am the big man she is the not so little woman. Therefore he is going to hurt her and not the other way around. As we have just seen with the Hillsborough Disaster attitudes still have to be changed in the way government bodies deal with things. Social Services failed to contact me last year when dghtr was put on 'At Risk Register' yet this is in their guidelines!!! And I contacted them (as surprisingly ex told me) - and I still got left out of the equation!! Very wrong!!! CSA all i know is that the 'C' stands for corrupt!!! I have provided them with evidence stating I have paid money to ex and they have refused to accept it. They believe her word over mine - which is discrimination and again I am trying to challenge this!!! I have been beaten over the head not just by my ex, but by the Courts, the Police, Social Services and now CSA. Something very bloody wrong!! It seems that the only thing I have done wrong is to admit I am an alcoholic - and i stopped nine years ago!! Oh and I have taken some library books back late lol - and maybe the odd speeding fine. End of. Sorry for my lickle rant !! lol 
Just one further thing. My parents split when I was younger and it affected me. Each blamed the other. I knew one was not telling the truth the most, but couldnt work out who. I resolved to find out and I did. My dad was the a**e. Not saying my dghter will copy me but if she does, I dont want her to draw the same conclusion.
Hey there allcharlie
How's your day going so far?
Hiya OM
Alright - thanks for asking - but little work achieved!!. Went to CAB yesterday but shut. Went to CAB today shut but got email addy. Sent email. Cant get through on phone. Still beautiful day and I enjoyed the walk. What I dont do today I will do at weekend so no major shakes but would like to have weekend off more. Got company books to do as well.
If only I was as diligent at dealing with my work as I am looking at this site. Need to be more self disciplined!! lol
Hows u??
What rich tapestries of life are you tangling with today??
Have fun - time for a brew and a bite to eat me thinks
Not doing very well on trying to write what happened to me. Keep writing then deleting it. Don't know where to start.
oooh thats a difficult one!!! I know the feeling well!! If your head can be as scrambled as mine then I fully understand. I know what happenend to me but my head seems to store it in a jumbled order, that is why writing a book has been so tricky for me. Formulating into a logical coherent story is not easy - it is in my head but when i try to write it it comes out jumbled or I cant type quick enough!!. That said in essence (and correct me if I am wrong) but u are only writing it for me (as i asked u). You dont have to impress me as u dont know me. So you can write any old shite (not literally but hopefully u get my gist) and it dont matter. I can judge u based on what u have written but that suggests I am not the nice and tolerant person I am trying to portray. Alternatively I can understand and like you have with me coax things out of you maybe?? Sorry I am not very good at that I dont think, but I will try. Why not try where it was good as I guess it must have been and where it started to go wrong and take it from there. Look forward to hearing from you 
Maybe I should just write and not stress about the order it comes out in etc, like a stream of consciousness and see where it takes me!
I was abused very severly psychologically before I feel pregnant, but once pregnant the physical violence stated too and the psychological abuse increased and then financial abuse started and spiraled out of control. that's a pretty apt description of the entire relationship actually, that the entire thing spiraled out of control. He is out of control and nearly took me and my child down with him.
The physical abuse continued after I gave birth too.
He stole bill money, money out my purse, took things out of the house to pay for his addictions; he is an alcoholic and hard drug user. But I did not know this until it was too late as he kept these addictions hidden from me. he is an expert at doing this.
I subsequently found out that he has lied to me about everything he ever told me, and so realise our entire relationshil was based on his lies. I now cannot believe anything he ever told me and that doesn't sit easily with me. He abused me so severely pshchologiaclly that he nearly drove me insane, and I do not say that lightly. Bruises fade, but the psychological scars are not. He has totally f****d my head up.
He beat me when he was sober as well as drunk/hi so he can't explain it away as it being just when he was 'out of it'.
I felt at some points that the only way I would be able to escape him was dead. 2 previous girlfriends have died.
He blamed me entirely for his actions and what he did to me. I 'made him mad'. He'd say he didn't remember punching me, kicking me, spitting on me, beating me so ferociously a few days after having my child via c section that I was curled up wedged between two door ways, stamping on my hands and knees, punching my mouth so lips split, holding knife up to my neck after backing me into corner of room demanding more money to go out drinking again, and so on.........He was clever though as he primarily beat me on my legs, arms and back etc, parts of the body I was able to keep covered.
Psychologically he brought me to my knees and at some points it did feel like I was going mad/had gone mad. He was the charmer to everyone else and they all thought he was wonderful, but the woman he was suppose to love who was carrying his child he was the devil.
His parents thought I was upsetting him because he would go to there house and say I was giving him a hard time and please could he have some money to go out drinking to relax, and they gave it him every time and or bought him alcohol.
My survival instinct kicked in when he put my childs life at terrible risk. I made it impossible for him to obtain any money from me and when an addict has their money supply cut they have to source it else where.
I had to move 4 times in the first 3 1/2 months of my childs life; attend court hearings as I'd gone and got myself a solicitor as I knew I had to get advice on how to protect myself and my child from this monster; move from one end of the country to another and attempt to be some kind of mother whilst dealing with chronic anxiety, recovery from C section, no possessions as he'd taken everything from the house and either sold it or who knows what....dealing with debts he'd run up....I could go on.....
Because he'd lost control of the situation, and that is an important point here because he was so use to having me in his control, he tried any manner of disgusting things to gain control again; malcious calls to child social services; death treats to me and members of my family; any manner of underhand things you can imagine.
With a lot of abusers it is about control, and once I'd taken back control he was lost. For so so long he'd told me I was useless and would never be able to cope without him, even more so after the birth of my child. But it was the duty of care I had to provide for my child that finally made me realise I had to get out. I was no good to my child dead and I had to make sure they got out this situation alive, if I hadn't of fleed I seriously believe myself and/or my child would not have survived.
Just read that back to myself. hmm it's quite vague and devoid of emotion. But think now I've started to write about it to you I'm hoping it'll come more easily as I do want to talk about it but until now I've not really been allowed; my family won't let me talk about it and any new friends I've tried to make don't know what to say as they get embarassed listening as they say they don't know what to say having not been through it. Also i guess it's a bit of a downer for people to have to listen to.
Bloody hell!! From what you wrote I could understand why you thought there were similarities in our cases.
'I subsequently found out that he has lied to me about everything he ever told me, and so realise our entire relationshil was based on his lies. I now cannot believe anything he ever told me and that doesn't sit easily with me. He abused me so severely pshchologiaclly that he nearly drove me insane, and I do not say that lightly. Bruises fade, but the psychological scars are not. He has totally f****d my head up.'
Well glad, is that the correct word?, you can see where I was coming from.
Even when you were writing about your ex wife demanding credit for your daughters phone and then using it all herself, I totally get why you felt about it. It's not you being petty but yet again being explotited.
A classic was when I went back to the house which he was no longer suppose to enter to get the new video camera before he took it and sold it. i went to where it had been and found it gone. I telephoned him and asked him where it wa He denied being in the house and taking it countless times. he swore on his new babies life he'd not taken it. My step-father was with me and starting saying I must have moved it somewhere and forgotten what I'd done with it. Was I sure I'd not moved it etc etc.
I looked everywhere and had my step-father thinking I was crazy as well. On the return journey through a certain town I asked him to stop as my gut feeling was I'd find it in 'cash converters'. Surprise surprise, there it was in the window! Went inside and asked who had sold it to them; they said they couldn't divulge that info due to customer confidentially! I told them that he'd have had to sign it was his to sell when it wasn't, it was mine (at this point it'd not even been paid for as was on credit card, he'd obviously got it on my card with intention of selling it for cash at some point) and not his to sell. They went and looked at paperwork and came back and said although they couldn't confirm he'd sold it to them their advice was to go straight to police-their way of telling me it was him! They refused to take it off display as they'd bought it in good faith even though it was obviously stolen goods. Telephoned ex partner again and asked him again where it was; he again swore on childs life that he'd not taken it. i told him I'd seen it in 'cash converters'. All he would ssay to that was if I'd been in there and said anything to them that'd buggered up him selling anything else in there to them! And he was gutted that they'd put it up for sale for quite a bit more than they'd given him!
Hiya i wrote quite a long response to you and for some reason only the above has been printed?? I then saw u had put another comment on there. Dont be too self critical and analytical. I enjoyed what u wrote - granted 'enjoyed' is probably not the best word!!!!
Yeah I know what u mean about family and friends. Fortunately/sadly a lot of my friends are now from AA. I have a better and deep friendship with them than I ever had with my drinking buddies. When I was in hospital very few drinking buddies showed any concern - the pple from AA did. They know more about me than most and vice versa.
When I speak to my friends we speak the same language - very much like 'Iamdoingthis' was talking about the Freedom Project.
I had a girlfriend not long after I got sober - she lived over your direction and her ex was exactly what u described. I saw how damaged her five year old boy was. She has now moved ironically enough to near where I was born up north. We still keep in touch. Good woman. Helped me to trust again after my ex and vice versa I guess. She only just got away with her life from what she told me. Ironically enough - a bit like me she kept her sense of humour - her way of dealing with it!!
'Insane' - yeah been there. Didnt end up in the nuthouse fortunately but did get to hospital. Funnily enough same hospital rang me this morning over something totally different. I have been wanting to do something as a 'thank you' for them helping to save my life all those years ago. Wanted to do it last Xmas but was broke but am hopeful this year no excuses. So will go and take the hospital/nurses something.
Its interesting also what u put about the phone - it would be very easy 'not to get it' as it does sound petty. Other example: we have no money, give her a birthday party. Spent small fortune on party , invite pple around, lots of prezzies never see her again for 18 months - all contact stopped. Bought her a lovely bike - used once!! The list is endless. Beds and stuff bought specifially for her - a girl - hardly used or slept in. Also when you move around like I did in Spain u end up having to get rid. Ridiculous.
One other thing I have done today is email dghtrs school. Ex said something the other day about changing dghtrs surname. I looked at what she was registered at school with and they have got her down with dble barrell name - my surname and his. Dont know what legalties are but that shouldnt be on her birth certificate and not aware of name change, however my signature has been forged before, so going to monitor situation. I emailed the school and will await their reply. If u know anything on this I would appreciate your comments. Otherwise take care and have good afternoon in the sunshiiiiine!!!!!
She cannot change your daughters name legally to his without your agreement
Hmm - like your story - mine: got back from hospital. Restless night. Dunno why decided to check a saving acct I had in my name only as a trustee for my dghter. Mine was the only signature allowed. Withdrawal made! Went to see ex told her what I had found and told her I was going to go the Police. She looked me in the eye and told me it wasnt her. I said u r the only other person with a key to the house. All windows were shut - you are trying to tell me that the thief broke into the house via the letter box, stole the pass book - went and forged my signature - and then got back thro letter box and put book back presumably having had a pang of conscience - she said ' yeah that must be it then'. What really galls is never got this money back and both Abbey National and Police were useless. Having said that, just chased up Santander up and told them I want money back - saw an article in paper - and hoping to now get this back. Not only that but going to pursue police for failing to investigate properly. Girl cant sign for me easily. U would hope they would recognise the diff between us. Bloke can - what bloke? Drug dealer? Drug dealer had been in court just prior - they would have finger prints - did they check - did they hell and I did tell them. Police did sweet FA -- again.
Hmm - thanks for that - will see how the school respond and take it from there. Previous experience with her other school meant that I never got replies - I will monitor the situation.
thanks,
Hey there allcharlie
Just want to say what about 'the duty of care' you owe your daughter?? And leaving her to be brought up by what you describe to us on here as not the mother you would necessarily choose as her primary carer?
It does get you down the fighting with your ex and all the agencies etc etc but you need to SERIOUSLY think if bowing out of your daughters life is the correct thing to do. It's not just about you, but your daughter.
In my experience freedom programme was set up to help, stop and enable participants to identify they had been abused and then teach them how to recognise it in others so not to repeat the pattern of getting involved with another abuser again. We were not encouraged to talk a great deal of what we went through; it's wasn't a group meeting to support each other greatly. My experience as I said, maybe they're not all run like that?