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Well this appears to be pretty much 'u and me' show!! It really is nice and appreciated that you can relate. To be honest from what u have said I think I have had it easier than you. The violence was minimal and I was more than capable of looking after myself but knew it wasnt the answer. Thing that hurts the most is that she is trying to portray me as that bloke - the beater!! However there are holes in this. I went to a refuge recently where she had stayed. How do I know - she invited me in at the time!! The 'truth' was I had asked her to leave the house as I had had enough of her behaviour and she walked off in a huff. What she said to whom to get in the refuge I dont know, but can hazard a guess. Any how we kissed and made up of sorts. I used to drop her off and pick her up from the refuge!! I can honestly say I didnt know what the rules were!! Why would I?- She invited me in, so I went in. There must have been no staff there!! When i went there recently the woman I met said have u been here before? - ie in a professional capacity. I then explained what had happened. I could even tell them that it had been refurbed since i was last there as they had a big communal kitchen then and dont now!! She told me exwife would have been kicked out if they had known. To explain the madness I wouldnt let her come back to the house after what had been going on, so she stole my car and took it to the refuge. Naturally I knew where she was and went and got it back but this time i disconnected the battery so she couldnt nick it again. She tried and when it wouldnt start, she tampered with it - almost causing me to crash. She took main fuse relays for indicators windows etc out so I couldnt indicate. I was on a bloody dual carriagway tryiing to turn with a bloody big fuel lorry up my arse!!! I still forgave her!!! Bloody idiot. You dont have the monopoly on being a gullible fool u know!!! lol
I only had me to consider really in recovery. My dghter I tried to consider but after getting nowhere I had to focus on me. It was easy and sometimes fun being on my own. Single and freedom again. Where I was stir crazy on my own - I found a life thro AA and they taught me to live again. Sadly one of women who helped me, drank herself to death recently which was v sad. I lost touch with her whilst in Spain. She split with husband over her other addiction - shopping and when he finished with her - he was a nice guy too - she went back on the grog. Apparently she kept drinking, stopping, drinking, stopping but rarely came back to AA and i didnt know how to contact her. Very sad. A good mate of mine tried helping and he is usually bloody good so not sure I could have done any different anyhow.
One last story - a friend of mine a few years ago split with his lovely girlfriend - he couldnt stop drinking!!. I havent seen her for a while but I called round one night and we got chatting. She is of Asian/Pakistan - Punjab - nationality if that is correct? Prior to meeting my mate she told me about her life!!! I still think it would put both yours and my stories in to a cocked hat unless there is lots of serious stuff u have missed out. She has had a rough deal at every stage of her life - major assualts/burns etc. I/ we are lucky we got out - there are pple still suffering - then again to an extent we are as well but hope u know what I mean
Hi to both of you, wow. lots of talk here. First of all allcharlie, I want to say, the threads were split so that you could have your own space to talk - Older Mother, please feel free to start your own too, as I feel we could work through some of your 'stuff', althoug it is fine if you wish to share a space.
allcharlie - thank you for sharing your experience of alcoholism with Imdoingthis, again, it is only when you have been there yourself can you truly see what the other person has seen. My hat off to you for being 9 years dry, certainly not easy in this society, but hopefully you can see the benefits.
Older Mother - thank you for sharing some of your story, you ahve been through a very difficult time and on your own by sounds of things too. I remember you saying that you didn't get on with the Freedom Programme in your area and I wonder if you would consider doing it here online (click), in the comfort and privacy of your own home. It might help straighten out some of your confusion.
Having been in quite a similar situation to you myself, before my daughter was born and after, I recognise the feelings that you mention. It was the birth of my child that gave me the strength and the insight to leave. We are here for you, so please do continue to share, you can move forward from this.
PS. allcharlie, your daughters mother can call her what she wishes. Although if she wants to change it legally, she would need your signature.
Thanks for that Anna and u may have already answered this but I am being thick. At school can they put her down as 'Fifi Trixibell Blah Blah' or does it have to be the name on her birth certificate?? In this case all they have done is added his surname but I would like to know if they can do that or not? I would have thought they would have to go with what is on birth cert but am I wrong?
Doubtless to say there is a lot of serious stuff I've left out at the moment, one reason as said before head is not logical in processing stuff in the correct order.
No worries - I can wait. Take care and have a good evening. Off to AA mtg shortly.
But it's not a competition!!!!!!!
Good luck. Messages seem to be crossing so bit out of order, but you get the idea.
lol!!! No worries - competetion is on Imdoingthis' thread - I have hijacked it again!! - oh no admin police!! Arrest him constibule!!! - anyway back to sanity - got to suggest a nice film for Imdoingthis. No prize, no cigars just see what we can come up with in the way of suggestions. have good night
Hello there Anna
Yes I've had to do all this on my own and continue to do so. It's been so so hard. And to be honest I still find it extremely hard. The only thing that keeps me keeping on is the fact that I have to look after my child. It's only been him and myself all the way through from birth, although his father was around for a very short number of weeks after the birth he did not help only endangered their and my life, and continues to be so nearly five years down the line. It's very isolating. We have a court order that does not allow my ex partner to know our address etc. Single parenthood is the hardest job I've ever had to do.
Probably doesn't help being an 'older mother' either!
OM at the risk of asking a stupid question what aspects of it do u find hard?. is there any bits in particular you struggle with. Do you have other mums u mix with?. Any family support?? I am guessing not but thght I would ask. I take it your boy is now going to school?? Keen to help and support but obviously need to understand better 
. Take care and try and have a good nites kip!!!
Hi allcharlie, your ex can call your daughter what she wishes at school, at the doctors, dentists etc. It is only official things like passport, bank account etc where she needs to use her birth certificate for proof of identification.
Then once your daughter turns 16 she can change her name by Deed Poll to whatever she wants.
Older Mother, I think because you had to move to a different area and suffer the emotional torment that you obviously carried with you, this transistion must have been so hard for you. Are you interested in making some new friends? If so, at the school gate, can give you the perfect opportunity. You have suffered long enough, now is the time to be free and embrace your life.
Parenting alone IS the hardest job, but I do believe the most rewarding. Once you get settled into a routine with school, life will take a new direction.
Hi Anna - thanks very much for the clarification it really is appreciated. I dont even want to be difficult with her. I just want a quiet life and to move on. Until all the lies started again I was happy to carry on as we had been - believe it or not from circa June 2010 to Sept/Dec 2011 all had been reasonably good. But when the lies started again it just brought back everything she has done and got away with. I mention Sept 2011 as that was when I heard dghter was put on 'At Risk Register' with Social Services. Ex wife told me of this and NOT social services. I rang SS and gave them my details - I heard nothing! Work wise that period was crazy for me so I didnt have time to chase up. It is only subsequently that I have chased and apparently they have had an investigation and now dghtr is off the 'At Risk Register'. I have seen documentation however I believe there are things not included that should have been. Sadly work has precluded me chasing this a little and from the slightly negative response from SS to be honest I felt I would be wasting my time with them. All I got from them was a 'sorry' that they had failed to follow their own procedures - however for me this is not good enough. When whatever happened I had a chance to go for custody again and by not including me they have hampered my case is how I feel. Also exwifes new husband has a history of violence - he has served time and from documentation read - police have been called to their house on several occasions. Understandably I am bit narked. I don t fully believe that those organisations whose jobs are there to protect my dghters best interests are being done correctly. What galls me even further is neither seem to work so get free legal representation where I earn a low wage but still have to pay or so it seems - went to CAB yday and got an appt for 2 weeks time. If I can get Legal Aid I am going to start challenging some of the stuff that has been happening. Rant over and thanks very much for your advice. Have a damn goood weekend 
Hey there
How's things?
Support? No I have no support to speak of really at all. I live an isolated and lonely life. I was unable to keep contact with all bar 2 people that I trust with mine and my childs life, literately, when I fled. Have tried over the years to form new friendships but for various reasons this hasn't really worked out. I'm the 'odd one' being an older single mother. Family? Shockingly no support their either.
Pretty rubbish isn't it?
Hi Older Mother, that does sound hard. When you have been through a lot then it can be hard to trust people (ANYONE) again and that can be a barrier to new friendships. The school gates can be "cliquey", I know from experience 
but think about things you could do to meet new people (they needn't become bosom pals but it is a bit like falling off a horse, get on and have a canter, no need to be in the Olympic Showjumping team) Even if you are not particularly religious, church can be a place to meet people (of different ages and backgrounds) and I found when I was starting again that just to chat to someone in a shop or on the bus polished up my social skills and started to increase my confidence. Voluntary work is another, excellent way of doing this.
Hi all charlie, yes it does seem unfair that you have to pay so much for legal assistamce when others get it free. You mentioned before that you have another, younger child, are you enjoying the chance to be a dad again?
Hi there Louise
Thanks for your input.
Just need to illustrate some of things I've done since I fled so you'll understand my problems bit more:
I travelled up hill and down valley trying to find toddler groups for me and my child to make friends; the place I've fled to is primarily occupied by pensioners, people who've lived here for generations and are not forgiving to incomers, a transient population of specific workers. I am unable to make frinds myself as I have no money to socialise, have no one to babysit or money to pay for that.
My income has recently been reduced on a weekly basis and I'm struggling to keep us with the basics of life.
The school my child attends is again attended by children with a long history of family roots imbedded in the area; I can assure you it's not for want of trying to find people for me and my child to make friends with.
Evening classes out of question through lack of cash, babysitters, not local in vacinity, and very limited choice of subjects.
Cannot afford to join gym/swim or travel there.
Where I live there is VERY limited local bus services and the cost to keep car and petrol, well...........
Although I was on my knees when I fled here I truely tried and still do but it's not through lack of trying that I'm in this void of lack of friends etc. They have families, other children, jobs, estabilished friendships, and I was the odd incomer; unmarried, single mother, older, from another part of the country that they couldn't identify with/can't identify with; we had nothing in common although I tried desperately.
So I just wanted to portray that I have tried, and still do but it basically is still just me and my child. I know we're at a disadvantage due to a very low income and our geographic location, but those two things are not going to improve.
I'm not trying to be defeatist or negative but there is not really any stone I've left unturned in the pursuit of friendships for myself and my child.
Good morning OM and Louise.
Sorry work and other matters have kept me away from posting and apologies for this being a quick response.
Yes Louise am enjoying being a dad again and all the things it entails. Got a good relationship with my little boys mother and who knows where that might take us. I think half of the problem with me has been learning to 'trust' again. However, my recovery is slowly allowing this.
I do sympathise with OM - when I was out in Spain I found it very difficult to mix there. The expats were generally a lot older than me and interested in different activities and the Spanish has their nucleus so it was difficult to break in to a group and stay there. As I no longer drink going into bars I found difficult and didnt really do. That said there was AA out there and I put a lot of effort in to that for my social intercourse.
Lots of jobs to do so going to go offline and get them done. Hope you both have a brill day and enjoy another day of sunshine if that is what u r experiencing. Take care
Hello OM , I was not for a single moment thinking you had not tried, indeed you come across on the boards as someone with a very resourceful personality so I guess I wanted to sound encouraging rather than otherwise. I spent a year and a half in a town with a small baby and no friends and whilst making massive efforts to meet people, all the people I met were just.....NOT my cup of tea (to be tactful!), so I do empathise, although a year and a half was a short time. What a shame that one or two of the pensioners in your area would not be open to being adopted grannies!!! it is extra tough when there is limited transport and no money for babysitters. Voluntary work is still a possibility, as most agencies pay travel costs, but I guess it is about time to travel too. Are you planning to stay in the location in the longer term?
Hi all charlie, it's sunny here too and I am delighted to hear about your little boy 
Hello OM - just found thread!!! Sorry for not being in contact - meant to email you days ago but lost thread and couldnt seem to find it again. Just been busy with work. How are you doing?? What have you got planned or what are you doing this weekend. I have been busy working so its kept me out of trouble!! lol I tend to get depressed if on my own for too long but work is keeping me reasonably sane. Its also slowly teaching me to be better organised. Just been doing my own accounts and that is a very grown up (for me) thing to do!!! Hope you have a good weekend and just wanted you to know that someone was thinking of you. I know you said you felt lonely and isolated - so I thought I would just bug you from afar!!! lol. Take care
Nice to hear from you allcharlie
Hello Louise - glad 2 hear from you too - apologies for not responding to you in the message above. How are you?? Have you had a good day?? What have you done?? and what have u got planned?? Sorry that seems a bit like 20 questions
Hi again, was going to suggest that you cut and paste the webpage addresses of the threads you are involved in and keep them stored somewhere?
I have been working today, one of my jobs is as a counsellor so I saw a client at the counselling place and also did the last quarter's stats and put them into the computer(sigh of relief) then went to the shops then finished reading my book about Achilles and his (male) lover. TV tonight, and maybe a glass of wine. Hope your weekend is going well....and I hope Older Mother is Ok too and will be back soon
Yes OM has been quiet - hopefully with good reason 
- spending the fortune she won on the lottery for example. Yes your suggestion of keeping the web page addys seems sensible - far too sensible for me!!, but I might just take you up on that idea.
I should have done some work today but managed to avoid it and will do it tomoro instead. Enjoy your evening. Chocolate biccies for me instead of the wine!! lol
Yesm choccy biccies, good for you Good luck with the work today.
Hi there allcharlie
Thanks for making me smile by thinking of me. I'm afraid I've retreated into myself somewhat as things are not going too well at all, I'm not sure how to cope with it all and couldn't think of anything positive to say so thought best if I just kept away.
Have you made any decisions/progress where your daughters concerned?
Aww shucks!!! - he says going all bashful!!! 
Glad I made u smile and its such a shame that my scenario of you winning the lottery was not correct!! I know what you mean about going into your shell. I've sort of been in a bad place on and off over last week or so and you are not alone. You dont have to explain yourself to me but if you feel that helps, please feel free to. I will always try and be here for you - as I am sure others will so please dont feel u r on your own. You can get through this but sometimes we are given a bad hand in life that we would not have chosen. You dont have to be positive but again I understand where u r coming from on that one. From my point of view I thought you were very trusting telling me a bit of your life and what I didnt want to do was just 'disappear' - sadly work has dictated me being off line abit over last few weeks.
With regards to my daughter - CAB appointment tomoro funnily enough. Dentist first!! What a combination!!! lol Going to see how that goes. My daughter has arranged to go and see my mum during the half term so we are keeping routes open that way. My daughter believes my ex's lies and I am not going to fight that. I dont feel the need to at the moment and think it may do more harm than good. I just intend to keep working on me and when time is right, hopefully both her and me will be ready
Hope you have a good evening :-)
Just found this - not brilliant but some good answers - hope u enjoy!!!
WHY GOD MADE MUMS Answers given by 2nd year school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the selotape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mum like me.
What kind of a little girl was your mum?
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3.. They say she used to be nice.
What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least 1 million a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mum marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mum didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such an idiot.
2.. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between mums and dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Mums have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
Thats great allcharlie!! How funny!
Hi Older Mother, do you like reading? A book that I found really useful after my life turning itself on its head and I was looking around myself wondering 'how on earth I ended up here' is 'You can heal your life' by Louise Haye.
I know it is not everyone's cup of tea, but it certainly put me onto the path of freedom to learn new things about myself. One of the most important bits for me was at the beginning of every chapter there is a few lines and it always ended with 'My life is as it should be' (or something similar) I used to fight against this, thinking it is soooo not as it should be, but once I accepted my lot, it was only then that I found that I could move forward and see the opportunities and possibilities.
We are here to support you get through these difficult times, do not hide away if you are feeling negative, come online and get them out. Sometimes stuff goes round in our head and turns into a monster. Once it is out in the open, you can see it for what it is - often a momentary thought that we have allowed to grow arms and start to strangle us!
How was your weekend?
Hey allcharlie. How's life treating you today? Thanks for the 'mummy humour' and trying to cheer me up.
What's been happening to you over the last week or so that's made you retreat into yourself if that's not too personal a question?
Hi Anna
I do enjoy reading a great deal, and think I'm familiar with the book you've recommended and may even have been lent it and looked through it a couple of years ago. I'll have to check that out as my memory isn't all that great.
Weekend? Bit of a mixed bag really. Some pretty negative things happened and am still reeling from them today.
Hi OM - good to hear from you. Nothing too much has happened since we last spoke really but I think the stress of trying to fight the unjustice of it all has got to me a bit. I did appeal the CSA's decision and am awaiting to hear the outcome. Also with work I am not being as productive as I should be. I am at home with too many other distractions and beating myself up for not being more self disciplined. Some of my work relys on concentration and naturally I find it diffiicult to concentrate when I have other thoughts going around and around in my head!! I need to get the work done but am good at keep putting it off. Still I have to draw a line under what I havent done and get on wiith what needs doing!! Hopefully this week will bring it to a close and I can move on with some new work. Going to see the guy I get alot of work off tomorrow and hopefully things will be positive. Take care and speak soon :-)
Hi allcharlie thanks for the mum post, i liked it!!
Sorry to hear that you and OM have been having a tough time of it!!
allcharlie i hope all goes well with the work guy tomorrow?
OM have you been able to talk with anyone about what has happened recently? you could always post to our Relationship Expert if you don't want to share on here click (the click) for the link.
Hiya Sally thanks for that. Am sure all will be ok and am worrying about nothing. I guess when things have a habit of not going your way, then it is easy to think the worst.
Call me extremely cynical and I am saying this tongue in cheek but does the Relationship Expert say 'dont have them' ie relationships. That would be good advice!! lol
Thanks for the recommendation Sally, I'll click on the link and see what it's about.
Hey allcharlie, have written a couple of times today but then managed to lose the comments before posting them! Found it quite easy to be open(ish) with you before and you did some of the same in return; at the moment I feel totally lost and feel like on a downward spiral that for various reasons cannot stop and get off and start to climb back up this time. Really can't see any light at end of tunnel at moment and end of tunnel is nowhere in sight.
Want to wish you lots of luck for tomorrow. U'll be fine, you're a winner. Go get'em cowboy!!!!
Hiya OM know what u mean when u spend a lot of time writing things to post and then they disappear - its happened to me a few times!!! Extremely frustrating!!! I am here if u want to tell me/all and I will do my best to help and possibly patronise!! lol You seem incredibly level headed (for a woman - joking!!) and I am sure you have thought of all possibilities/alternatives. However, a problem shared is sometimes a problem halved apparently. I am happy to give my personal email if that suits but I dont want to risk breaking any rules/advice on this site and other than my posts, there is nothing to say that I am not the homocidal maniac that my lovely exwife has often tried to portray. Bless her!!! Take care and try to have a good evening :-)
Hi OM, sorry that you have been going through some rough times, we are here for you. And you can email privately to the Relationships Expert as Sally suggested, if you don't want it on the boards.
All charlie, I was reading about your day on the other thread, sounds tough. We all cope with stuff differently and I know that you (like me) find solace in humour. Yes, you're right, it is not permitted to give out personal email addresses, sorry.
What does today hold for both of you?
No worries Louise - I expected it might be and understand the reasons. Struggling to wake up today and could quite happily have a duvet day. However, got to go and see man about (hopefully more) work shortly. Will then try and do some of the work outstanding. Going to be good and productive and give the house a good clean/ ironing that sort of thing and then aim to go to an AA meeting tonight which is one of my regulars. Should have gone last night but the guy I was taking couldnt make it so I had a nice tea and settled down in front of the television/computer laptop and had a lazy night. What about you?? Take care
Good luck with your day, all charlie. Tuesday is my counselling day and I have a full complement of clients this afternoon. Going out with friends tonight, so looking forward to that. Hope the work news is good for you!
Hi Louise. My worst fears were unjustified. Quite the opposite which means I must be doing something right!!! Hurrah!!! Going to use my confidence boost to get some of the work done and do my chores. Enjoy your busy day. Take care
Great stuff allcharlie, I hope your chores are going well
Hi Om, how are you doing today? Please do share what is going on for you if you found that it helped last time.
Morning Iv not caught up but was just thinking of u hope all goes well with ur daughter xx
Got to dash school run
No worries. Hope all goes well this morning and will see how things transpire. Have fun. Take care
Hello OM was just thinking of you. You seem to have been quiet and just wondered if u were ok?? I do hope so. Take care
How are things going for you ?
Hope it's all well x
Yes thanks and just left a post for you on your thread. All good this end. Dghter has gone to her aunts for tonight , which was her choice. This is her mums sister- sleepover with her cousins. I dont want to be like my ex and dictate who she sees as that makes me as bad as my ex. I want her to know she is free of all the games. So I have been to friends and had good evening. Life couldnt be better at the moment but I know there is usually something around the corner to pull the rug a little from under my feet. So for tonight I am going to enjoy tonight!! lol Take care x
Glad things are good for right now, yes I was in a little bubble of happyness but it soon popped! And reality landed ... Hay ho
Soz to hear it popped, I will read your thread and see what has been happening. Little worried about OM as she hasnt posted for a while. All good this end just taken her out for Carvery lunch - she ate loads and still had dessert!!!
What I like about you is that your defeatest attitude seems to have left you and the change over the last few days in you is incredible!!! Really proud of you. This guy is NOT going to drag u down. Well done!!! :-)
You've had a bloody rough time of it, surprised you're still standing! Glad you are though as fed up of talking to myself!!!!!!!!