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hi i went to see my solicitor over contact issues with my 6 month old babys father today and they told me that the case could be referd to the crown court , is this possibly because of the extent of dv or that he will possibly deny allegations , it all seems so daunting , he will do anything to hurt me and has even said that if he cant have i cant have her neither, the solicitor has told his solicitors that i am opsing contact and wish for him to adress his alcohol , anger and parenting issues and that i have signed an agreement with ss stating i would not allow any unsupervised contact , which he already knew i just dont think he had informed his solicitor or his solicitor has told him its not legally binding but has alot of meaning for me if i was to allow any unsupervised i could lose my children , didnt stop him asking for it still tho,i dread wht will happen next and i dread having to face him in court being made out to be the bad one
thanks louise yes i know he was the violent one but i did use self defence and surely that wont go agaisnt me, i should of asked my solicitor why they thought it may go higher court , i havnt got the details of the dv agency but will try to find out who they was, to be honest i have been let down by a couple of them over the past couple of yrs x
Hi caza, I know it is a really difficult time, but keep reminding yourself, that you are a good parent and you are doing all that you can to protect your children.
You don't know what the future will hold but for now try and obtain as much info and support as you can. I think you are doing a marvellous job and we are right here for you.
Some agencies are good and some aren't so good, search out the ones that you feel most supported by.
thanks anna , dont know what the future holds? you dont think there may be a chance of me losing her do you? x
when i say self defence he only had scratch marks when i was trying to get him off me , but that was when he got probation and dv course x
hi caza how are u hun well ive bin thru court, awfuli no, ex takin me for acess to our 2 yr old little girl, hes not allowed contact, as he very violent, but xstil scary hun im think in of u, u wont lose ur child, i wil if i av any contaqct with my ex, so believe me im notx
Caza you won't lose your little one, he is hoping to scare you (and he seems to be suceeding) However, that is not to say that he won't be allowed supervised contact with her. DId you get in touch with our Legal Expert?
thanks louise , like said we just dont klnow what will happen your right he is scaring me and he has ruined alot of what should of been a precious time with baby i have had precious time with her no doubt but i think back to when she was new born and all the crap he was givin me and how it clouded that special time he hasnt got her best intersts at heart cos he wouldnt be upsetting her mum if he did , i havnt spoke to legal expert yet but will soon :)
hi caza these men dont giv a toss, they only care bout makin our lives a misery, end of, they use courts to harass us, my ex total in denial sayin i wont let him see our little girl cos he finished with me, lol wot joke i ended it and he harssed me for weeks got proof, they are on anova planet altogetherx
god keira he done is doing xactly the same saying im keeping baby away from him because im a woman scorned and because i cant have him im keeping her away, he to harrassed me for months after we splitt untill i sent police rund two months ago i havnt heard from him since only solicitors letters , these courts tho i hear so much bad stuff about them about there so much on the dads side , is it male dominated in the court room why arnt they listening to us x
i n o wot u mean, im dreadin it,when i said to my soliciter i dont want ex to see my little girl she is 2, she said i wil b critized in ocurt if i say tht, yet i cud lose my kids if av contact with him again, confusin initx
yea cos apparently its our daughters human rights to see there father but what about there saftey our safety our sanity , he has said he will turn her against me and my other dauaghters had said when he gets her he wont give her back i told my solicitor this and said i wanted a residence order and she said they wont give me one they wont give the funding unless there is real risk , god isnt that risk enuf x
Hi Caza, Sorry things aint getting much better for you. I went to court myself and courts have ruled my ex is a danger to both me and little one and he is to have NO contact direct/indirect or anything. But I am told this is a rare ruling but shows it DOES happen.
Court is very daunting but I think we imagine it to be worse than it is. My ex cross examined me on the stand for 1 hour and 45 mins but after the first ten minutes I forgot I was there. I didnt feel it was as bad as I had expected. I chose ot to cross examine him and the courts were fine as I said there was a history of DV and I didnt feel comfortable confronting him on the stand.
Just remember that court is a SAFE place and the people there see this stuff all the time and will understand your nerves so try ot to worry if u can. I know that is hard and I was a gibbering wreck.
Good luck with it hun x
hi little angll good to hear from you i read your post :last hearing: and congratulations im so glad the ordeal is over for you unfortunatly i dont think that will be the ruling in my case as ex is just so clued up over the whole thing in his own way and will try his best to make me out to be the bad nutter , thanks tho for your words of encouragement and trying to calm my nerves , do you think that will deffo be the last you hear from your ex x
You never know caza, My ex had legal advice ad I didnt ad he has taken his sons mum to court and won so I didnt think I had a chance but i won so there is hope for you too.
As for hearing from him, who knows?! He had made threats to seriously harm me if he lost the case so I was referred to marac and have some protection in place but he hasnt been in touch so far so only time will tell. I have no fear for my own safety as I have seen his worse but my only fear was he would abduct my daughter from school as he has made threats to do this ad even read out the name of her school in court! Because of this my daughter has extra security in school and is watched all day which makes me feel better.
littleangel it must be worrying for you my ex has threatend that when he gets baby he wont give her back so basically kidnapp her , but my solicitor said i wouldent be able to ask for a residence order makes no sense
well i want residency order as my ex as threatened to not bring my little girl bk, but cant apply til all reports cum bk from cafcass who avnt bin to see me yet, cafcass ad my ex criminal recordmthey said very serious high risks surrounding him, woundin with intent,assault with deadly weapon assaults,plus assault on me, plus serious car offences, so i dont want himseein er, plus police cum myn at 2.30am lukin for him and askin questions bout him,he never changex
yea they told me i probabley wouldnt get funding for it but could ask but not to hopefull, he,s the same but as far as i know all assaults were on me , but he got suspended in work a couple of times fo threatning other workers so wondering if i can use that aswell, he preyed on me cos i had no family around me and was already quite isolated when we started our relationship where his previous girlfreind either kept stum about everything or he didt touch her because i think she had brothers family near by and he would of got it back probably , but he knew there was no one there like that for me
ss has said he can have supervised contact they even said he could come to house with his mother but he has made threats since and things have broke down and come to this , the assaults on me were very serious like you, but most of the time ss say no contact , not sure why they didnt with him
Caza my ex has made threats to kidnap my daughter since I left and he has on two occassions refused to hand over his son after contact, but like you I was told I couldnt get a residence order. I was told they wouldnt do it in my case was because my ex is high risk and they felt issuing him with the order (which history with his sons mum had proved would make zero difference to him) could make my ex so angry that it would put me and angel in danger?!. I am not sure how it works but I was told should my ex actually kidnap her then at that point a resince order would be granted as an emergency that very same day. This of course did nothing to reassure me but I was told that I would automatically get residence if my ex took my daughter??!! Crazy really but maybe they dont like to spend money on the order if they dont have to.
hi angel im dreading court in nov and hpe they do not giv contact to my ex, mean he as very violent criminal past and hes not allowed contact now, and i got told if i av anythin to do with him agian my kids at risk yet they could giv him contact, my soliciter said il b critized in court if i say no contact but its truth, why shudnt i say no contact, i dont trust him, x
its so hard not knowing how we,ll be judged in court for protecting our kids, i feel horrible today all twisted up inside and chocked up , iv had it confirmed he is seeing another girl now and i know i should be glad but it hurts :( i hate feeling like this , he,s not even near mee and still manages to hurt me , i wish i was glad
well in court when my soliciter told me he lievd with his children plus new 7 month old baby and he as never left his girlfriend, all tht tym accusin me of cheating eyt he ad a family, unbelievable, feel sorry for next woman he gets with, same with ur ex hun and his new bird just feel sorry for er and u ad lucky esxcape thts how i feel
i do understand hun what ur going thru xx
Hi caza, you will be able to feel glad in the end. It's just a long process and even after you have gone through it, don't be surprised if a little bit of your heart still belongs to him, even while your head knows the right thing has happened. But that's ok, that's normal. I was thinking about the counselling thing we were talking about, there is no need for anyone at all to know that you are going, you know
i want my heart back he doesnt deserve it, i would have to be refrd by my gp and the solicitor said they will prob get gp records, i have to show them im strong when in side im falling apart
hi caza well i ended up goin doctors he gave me tablets for anxiety low dose tuk um 3 weeks but felt funny al tym, dont take um now, all stress of ex ,xdoctor cudnt believe i didnt cum sooner to c himx
neva took anything like that , dont want anything to go against me in court x
i felt same but anxiety got to much, but disnt go bk doctors as stopped takin um, they are not for me, i felt worse x rather copex
im worried about the letter he,s receiving from my solicitor i think they should of just said i am oposing contact he is asking for but they also said its because of the dv, tht i want him to attend an anger management course a parenting course over his parenting inabilitys( ie he wouldnt change the babys nappy when he did see her , said girls do girls boy,s do boys!!) and i want him to adress his alchol issues , i worried that he,s gona get really fired up over this letter and turn even nastyer in court , mayby they should of just mentioned the dv and opssing conatct for now
hi caza how are u , ring ur soliciter if ur worried, i always thought my soliciter to hard on me, mayb she ad to b, i was worried when my soliciter sent him a warning letter how he wud react, even tho he gave a false adress, spk tp ur soliciterx
to late the letter went out last weeek he should get it some time this week
Hi caza, you are currently living in fear or what your ex may or may not do. I am a great believer in the survivor ie You, dictating the best way forward with an abusive ex as you know him best.
However in this instance, I am presuming that all of the things that are said in the letter are things that you would like to see happen. That is good, that is YOUR voice. You should be able to say what you would like to see for the future with your childrens' best interests at heart.
If he is going to be nasty in court, then that is his decision, as littleangel has said, Court is a SAFE place. I think if he is going to be nasty, then at least it is all out on the table now.
I now it is easier said than done, but try not to worry too much about what will happen in court, because worrying doesn't change or create anything. All you can do is focus on getting yourself stronger and raise your self belief.
Caza a few of the things you have said I just want to mention (and you too Keira).
Firstly, I really do think that if YOU believe what you are doung is right in court then you will be ok. You are opposing contanct so be prepared that in court your decision to do this is going to be challenged. I was challenged for nearly two hours but my ex couldnt break me because no matter how he re-worded the question or how he attempted to get me to doubt my decision he just couldnt get me to cave. The reason is I was 100% sure from the second I walked in to court that contact was NOT in the best interests of my daughter, I knew it was probably not in my best interests either but I was very focused and clear as to WHY my daughter should not see her dad. My ex tried and failed to trip me up on the stand but I was very consistent in my belief and no matter how distressed I got I didnt ever doubt the decision I made. After my hearing the magistrates told me that even without the DV etc they were 100% clear throughout that I felt I was acting for the best of angel and not to get at my ex.
Caza, you have given some specific things you want your ex to address in that letter, i.e. alcohol, DV, parenting so I would reckon his solicitor will advise him that it is a good thing because they will have an opportunity to address these things by doing courses etc. In my case I was giving a blanket ban on all contact and stating my ex would not benefit from any kind of DV awareness course or anything like that, which is more risky than offering areas for improvement. Be prepared though that as you have raised specific issues the courts may order him to complete an alcohol programme, DV perpertrator course etc. with a view to him having contact once completed.
Finally, as for seeing your doctor, counselling and anxiety. Well I went 4 years in a state of terror out of fear that my ex would drag up my mental health in court. His argument was I was mentally unstable! I spoke both to my GP and a solicitor about this and they were very clear on the following, 1) court will ot ask for your medical records unless there are some specific safegaurding concerns re: your ability to care, even then it would more likely be a letter from your gp opposed to your medical history. 2) My doctor said that had I have not been to see her and addressed my issues and she recieved a letter from court it would have been worse for me as she would not be able to say a)if i do or dont have any issues because I havent spoke to her b) she would not be able to demonstrate I am addressing my issues. In the end my GP voluntarily wrote a letter to the court (this was not asked for) detailing my anxiety and depression and most importatntly the steps I was taking to tackle it. A solicitor told me that if you accept you have a problem/issue ad can show you are doig something about it, it will always go in your favour.
I hope this helps a little hun, I know it is hard and stressful, im still recovering myself but you will get through this x
hi little angel i didnt think about it like that yes i thought anger management alchohol and dv , but he has already done a dv course a couple of years ago and it didnt change him he just behaved while he was on the course and probation and as soon as it was finshed he started being abusive again , i think now i have made a big mistake asking for those things, i will have to remind me solicitor that he dne a dv course and didnt change him , although she did already know this :( i saw a trainee solicitor though and was a bit worried about that, i dont think these courses will change him but iv asked for it now x
hi angel im paryaing they dont giv eccess to my ex, at court cafcass guy said very serious highh risk surroundin my ex, he as very violent criminal past do u think bcos of tht he won tget accessm, u hear stores tho tht even violent men get acess i dont want him to see our little girl she is 2,he as hardly seen er anyway, i dont trust him at allx
Caz hun, dont worry, I am ot a expert but I was just trying to make you aware that then the court may (or may not) feel it is fair to give him chance to try and address these problems before completely writing him off, if that makes sense.The biggest influence is going to be whatever the CAFCASS officer says so like in my case the key point raised in court was the fact the cafcass officer said in his report (and on the stand) that "X would not benefit from ay kind of DV course, drug programmes or psychological assessments" So depending on your assessment you may get the same outcome as not everyone is deemed suitable for courses.
Keira I kept myself up all night reading stories of violent men getting access to their kids. It is true but then again a lot dont (like my ex) dont read these horror stories its not worth the extra stress. I read that cafcass and the courts are now more willing to look at DV more seriously. I think that if your cafcass guy is not recommending contact then your ex wot get it. The magistrates at my hearing even told my ex that they wont go against cafcass unless something dramatic came out in the trial.
thanks for ur reply angel, its just worryin isnt it, cafcass man ad me promise him tht i wudnt let ex see k, i said yes, and i avnt, cafcass woman due at myn soon dont no date yet, so see wot appens thenx
Thinking of you ladies, stay strong and try not to worry too much, i know this is easier said than done, but it is difficult to think logically when we are overly worried.
So be good to yourself and relax and de-stress regularly.
Caza if your concerned about the trainee solicitor can you not ask for another one with more experience?
It is worrying Keira I was a complete mess as you will see on my other threads but now I see I shouldnt have got so worked up. The cafcass clearly have concerns about your ex and they will be sure to let the courts know so you should be ok. You have a solicitor too so you have somebody on your side which is good.
Just remember it is not YOU on trial at court or YOUR ability to care for your children the court is simple trying to establish whether HE can have contact so really HE should be the one stressing not you. I didnt realise this until after court.
yeah ur ryt, ive not done anythin wrong well aprt from keep getin bk with my ex u c, thts why cafcass man ad serious concerns, and ad me promise i wudnt av anythin to do with him atall which i avnt, thsnks angelx
Your very welcome Keira, I fully understand what your going through but just as all good things come to an end so do all bad things 
your doing the right thing staying away from him and thats what matters x
littleangel, you are definitely star poster of the month!! Thank you for your clear messages on this thread, I think they have been really useful coming from someone who has so recently been there.
I especially like 2 points you make:
1 - Stand your Ground, you are doing this with your childrens best interests at heart. Not to p**s off your ex nor to get one up on him.
2 - Worrying won't solve/fix/change anything - you need to be fresh, in control and assertive. (Easier said than done, but try and take control of it)
it really does help reading your posts littleangel knowing what you have been through your experiance really does help me and kiera i think put things in to alot better perspective and give us hope , keira make sure you let me know how you get on when is your trial? everything you are all saying is right were not on trial they are , thankyou xxx
u no wot angel ur words av made me feel sooo much better really want to thank uxxx
i think the courts need more dv awareness they see this sort of thing everyday and yes i beleive that have to differentiate who is doing this for there children and who is trying to get back at there ex,s , but it doesnt change the fact that the children are the most important in all of this and there wellbeing and emotional and physicall health isnt damged by these violent twisted men , but keira we have facts against our ex,s and those are the things that will stand the most ground in court , i know they are going to tyr and dirty our names but we have the facts xx
i agree with you keira she really does have a great perspective on these things because of her experiance and most defiianatly is the star poster shes made us both feel so much better x
yes i no mean it all cum out in court in july bout my ex or wud i av ever found out, cmen its my ex with violent criminal record not me, its my ex tht as secret life and lied to me and my kids in a massive way, i avnt, my only crime was keep takin tht man bk as ireally wanted us to work, but it was nevre to appen, i av done everythin the courts av asked of me, drug test wot i passed the couirses i av bin to, he asnt even dun drug test, and to b told me kids are at risk if i av anythin to do with him well says it all realky and police cum to myn at 2,30am 21st sept lukin for my ex says it all as well, so i av dun nothin wrong at allx
and ex can say wot he wants bout me, he said im bad coke head well test cum bk negative he said i leave kids on own all ty,m well avnt heard of ss or anyon eso they cant b tht concerned, courts av facts bout my ex ur ryt caza,it all cum out in court bout him and bet u he wasnt expecting that, hax
me and u caza are in same boat so we keep supporting each otherxx
hello caza
This is a scary situation for you but YOU ARE NOT THE ONE WHO HAS BEEN VIOLENT. Several members on here have had to face all sorts in court (shaz5, little angel and kiera being three of them) and I am not minimising it by any means but you have done all the right things.
I don't know about the reason for the crown court, maybe you could run this opast our Legal Expert? What I do know is that the DV agency should have contacted you (as you said on the other thread) Have you got their details so you can contact them?