This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Wow, I am loving thread! Sharing experiences and feeling empowered by one another, keep it up ladies! 
hi yep courts av all info they need bout my ex, i dont av say anythin bad bout him they no it all, x
angel cafcass due to visit me, as tht appened to u, wot wil appen, will she want to see my little girl, wil she ask me bout my ex,
Keira, My cafcass officer was brilliant he came round for about half hour and he had already been to see my ex so he already kew what I was up against. In my case he asked me to explain briefly the history between me and my ex and then explain my reasons for not wanting contact. He told me he didnt want to see my daughter as my ex was so high risk it would be pointless to ask her wishes in case she said she wanted to see him and the cafcass officer already felt that was too risky.
Your daughter is too young to tell cafcass her wishes so they probably wont ask to see her either. It was all very informal he didnt look round the house or anything even though I was trying to insist (again because I didnt realise I wasnt on trial at the time). The visit was arranged so I knew when he was coming etc so there was no shock when he turned up. He explained everything before I spoke so he told me anything I say to him can be repeated in court so I had to be sure I didt say aything I didnt want revealling in court.
For me I found it a very positive experience because cafcass are there only to hear your concerns so there is no pressure to impress or anything like that. I will say though it took forever for them to come and the report was only issued 3 days before my court hearing (but that was for safety reasons) so the waiting was the hardest part for me.
thank u little angel well my hearing in nov 21st, and woman from cafcass rang hr ago and left a message, saying she wud like to cum and see me, she also sent me a letter introducing erself, wot if ex says reallly horrible things bout me to er ,i dont want start getin wound up or upset , incase tht goes against me, wud she al;ready av bin to see my ex. she will no everythin bout my ex wont shex
i dont want ex to av contact , my soliciter said if i said tht it wil go against me in court but its truth, i dotn trust my ex to see my little girl, i really dont , espec after wot i heard in court bout him and espec after cafcass man said hes very high risk and my kids at risk if i av anythin to do with him so obviously i av very gud reason,
Yeah she will know about your ex as she will have his criminal records etc. she may see him first or you but that wont make any difference to you she wont tell you what he has said that will be in the report at the end. Be sure not to just sit and bad mouth your ex as she will already know what his past is you need to just focus on why you dont want him to see your daughter and what effect you think it will have on your daughter, not you.
If you say you dont want him to have access it will only go against you if you dot back up why your saying it. You have clear concerns regarding his drug use and violence but the court wont be as interested in what he did to you only what effect it had on your daughter so if he did it in front of her etc. also you say he has been cruel to your other children so you could mention that but dont forget that if he gets contact it wouldnt be around your other children. His secret life and family probably wouldnt be a concern to court so maybe try not to focus on things like him cheating etc because they may think you are getting back at him. I know the courts particularly dont like to hear about these things as my ex continually kept saying how I cheated and broke his heart and they repeatedly told him they have no interest in that side of the relationship.
You say you dont want supervised contact either (like me) this is a hard one because supervised contact is supposed to be safe so try and think about how supervised contact will effect your daughter, so perhaps you may say you dont want your daughter exposed to drug abuse and feel he is likely to be under the influence of drugs if contact was arranged, or you could say he has made threats towards you and you dont feel it will be safe for you to drop your daughter off at a contact centre etc. My case was probably easier in that my daughter was older so I could demonstrate how my ex's behaviour to her on the phone was causing her distress etc.
If cafcass have already said he is high risk then they are unlikely to change that unless your ex has had a massive change in behaviour so I am sure you will be fine.
hi well cafcass man said there are very serious high risks issues surroundin my ex, must b serious for them to say to me and my soliciter tht my kdis are at risk if i av any contact at all with this man, thts wot cafcass man said to me, my ex dus smoke weed alot, he as turned up stoned twice at my ouse when he cum to see me and outr little girl and wasnt happy bout it, he asnt even dun drug test yet, i av and was negative, u see he never used violence in front of kids, he seriously assaulted me on holiday abroad kids wernt there, they must think hes dangerous for them to say my kdis at risk, x
Little angel, you are absolutely right, CAFCASS are only interested in the effect contact may have on the CHILDREN so it is very important when you talk to them not to go into big details about how he cheated or had a secret life. You can say the relationship was abusive but do not tell your whole story, the important thing here is to say how that abuse or his drug use will be bad for your CHILD, ok?
Your children will be at risk if you get back with him because there is a chance he will be violent towards you ad that will have a impact on your children. In the contact centre for example there isnt a risk of violence so try and focus on why a contact centre or supervised contact may put your child at risk also. Obviously cafcasss have more information on your ex and they will make their decision on that too but from your point of view focus on what your child is at risk of like louise says x
hi but isnt tht he is a high risk enuf for him to av no contact god he is a dangerous man, isnt tht enuf to say tht, anova thing tht wasnt mention was he assaulted his ex to police off icer told me tht, tht asnt bin mention,so cafcas cud av more info on my ex but avnt told me, andwot bout when police cum myn at 2,30am lukin for him in sept, i dont want dangerous man nr my little girl after wot i heard in court i dontx
isnt his violent past enuf for him to av no contact, thts wot i dont understandx
Well your solicitor thought not, didn't she, kiera? and I guess she knows more abiout these things than you or I. I would suggest you write down what you want to say to CAFCASS so that you make sure you concentrate on the right things at the meeting
any normal mother wudnt want dangerous man nr their child,
Yeah Kiera check with your solictor. When I had a solicitor in the beginning I was told being violent doesnt necessarily mean a parent cant see their child, unless obviously he was violent to the children. Try to re-word how you say things when speaking to cafcass Keira so your not saying "I dont want him around my child" instead say things like "if he see X she will be at risk because X,Y,Z" I know it all confusing ad seems unfair that a man can assault you and the courts may still give him contact but these are family courts so his violence towards you would be dealt with in criminal court and the family court is only there to see if there is a possibility of your child having cotact with their dad. It may well be the case he is too dangerous to your daughter so you need to focus on that and not what he done to you.
yes i see wot ur saying, do i mention when he called me to my 2 sons, vile names he called me to them in front of them ,and my eldest was 12, thts abuse, do i mention all tyms he called my eldst dawter, do i say when he turned up stoned to see us all, twice he does av alot of canabis but he admited tht to courts he stil asnt dun a drug test either,
so basically it doesnt matter tht he as put me in hospital or assaulted his ex or as violent past then as long as he asnt hurt the kids, dont make sense, mean he isnt a nice man to av round kids is e,thts my point
You are right there Kiera no we wouldnt want a violent thug round our child but the courts will look at it from what the childs rights are and they have a right to see both parents unless there is a significat risk to the CHILD ot the mother. I dont agree with this and I had to fight like you but I sat down and thought long and hard about the impact on angel and I only gave one reason relating to myself which you could also use. I gave 37 reasons why he shouldnt see agel and my last reason was that "because my ex's harrassment has caused a detrimental effect on my mental health making me have panic attacks etc. Angel's family life is being effected" (I backed this up with a doctors letter) The courts accepted this and also congratulated me for not making the case all about me.
It is very hard to come up with the reasons so maybe speak with your solicitor about reasons you could object to conatct?
well all the harassment did av effect on me thts why went doctors and he gave me low dose anxiety tablets , i felt like i was avin panik attacks when i went out , i waqs to scared to leave house incase he was therex
and isnt tht fact the cafcass man said there are very serious high risks saftey issues surrounding this man, well tht speaks for itself
I totally agree with you Keira, have you spoken to Womens aid? I believe they have been lobbying the courts on this very issue as it is not fair BUT that is how it works at the moment.
If I was you (again I am not an expert) I would mention names he has called you infront of kids but not as the main focus so talk about that AFTER saying how you feel contact will effect your daughter. You do have a right to demand the drug test I believe so definately refuse contact until a drug test has been done also.
Yeah thats what i am saying Keira cafcass may already have decided he to dangerous and that is great but I am just saying when you speak to them you eed to concentrate on the risks to your daughter not what he done to you as they already know he is violent.
he actually siad to my 2 boys while i was standin there ur mum is a slag who opend er legs to anyone, he was callin g me to them, and he as called my eldest dawter loads vile names but to me, never to er face xmy sonshouted at him to leave after he called me names to them but he just laffe din his face adntold he go away
its hard isnt it tho ,wot do u think bout my case angelximscared deatth he gona get contact and theres nothin i can dox
Yeah i would mention that hun.
i dont know Keira you need to ask your solicitor, It is a bit different for me as I DID try supervised contact first (on advice of a solicitor and I was not happy about it) and then I had that to explain why he was no good at contact. You are wanting to refuse contact without trying supervised contact first and that is quite hard to fight for as courts like to give everyone a chance.
I totally understand why your scared it is a horrible situation. Is your ex reliable? do you think you could agree to a contact centre and then if he doesnt show up on two occasions in a row you will have a right to stop contact and then you will have a stronger case in court as u can demonstrate that your ex is not interested in having contact.
yes i understand wot ur saying,just things he as said to my 2 boys and bout my eldest dawter im scared how he will b same with my little girl i suppose, the effect he cud av on er,im scared of tht when he event gets my little girl on er own with him, wot then, cos we all no the act they put on for professionals wot aftyer contact centre , im scare dthe effect he wil av on er bein typwe man he is,if man can call my too boys mum names to their face wot else can he do , does tht make sense,
It 100% makes sense Keira. i feel for you. i was so terrified when i had to take my girl to the contact centre because I had to face the man that had said over and over he was gonna kill me. it was awful and of course he was all smiles and charm when we were there because people were watching him but ow i am glad I went through that because he could only keep up the act for so long and as soon as he messed up I got the power and now he can ever see his daughter again.
I know you are panicking about the "what if's" and what mother/father wouldnt when you know what he is capable of. The problem is the professionals havent seen it and although they know he is capable of hurting his girlfriends and being nasty to your children they have not seen him do anything to his daughter so they may want to give him a chance.
It is very worrying for you as a mum and I have been where you are hun, it is horrible but in the end going to contact centre for me was the best option as now my ex can ever take me to court again or do anything to stress me out like the threat of contact did. Contact centres are safe places and if you have fears of him they make arrangements for you to arrive and leave at seperate times, use seperate entrances etc. so you dont have to see him. I would sit upstairs during contact where he couldnt see me but i could watch them play through the window so i knew she was safe. Speak with your solicitor and find out exactly what she thinks is going to happen so you can start to have realistic expectations going in to court. I still think if cafcass say he is a risk to your daughter you may not have anything to worry about but check that they are saying he is a risk to your daughter and not he is a risk to you or a risk to your daughter if he is WITH you. Hope that makes sense.
Double posted - oops!
thank u sooo much little angel, u av elped me soo much, cafcaass myrt sayanyway he is to much of a risk, i understand bit more nowx
So glad it helps you Keira, I know it is a scary worrying time but you will get through it you'll see. Stay strong and look after yourself and try not to over think it. Take time out for fun!!! Big hugs x
little angelwot do u think of my case, mean ur opinion wud b appreciatedx
aw keira I am no expert at all, I couldnt say. It really depends on wat cafcass say after they seen you and your ex. Generally whatever they say is what happens hun just stay focused on your concerns when talking to them and not on how your ex treated you x
None of us are legal experts (apart from our Expert that you can email of course!) but little angel has given you a lot of very useful information kiera. You keep saying, over and over, that you are scared about any contact between him and your daughter (and we totally understand that) SO.....if that is your overriding fear, the best thing to do is to sit down, calm down and start making a list of what you will say to CAFCASS, bearing in mind that it is how things affect your daughter that they are interested in.
SO, for example, when you think about the incident where he called you a slag etc, you could say "He is contstantly verbally abusive about me, telling the children I am a slag and saying obscene things. My daughter needs to feel she lives in a secure and stable environment and will be deeply affected by his filthy and disrespectful language" Do you see what we mean now?
hi little angel well spoke to cafcass officer she seems really nice she is cumin monday at 1pm, just to see me, she said to do a risk assessment to see bout risks to me over contact, thts wot she saidx
hi louise thanks for ur reply yes i un derstand, x
my ex as bin very disrespectful in front of kids callim me to their faces and callin me vile names in front of our little girl,i wil say all thtx
Thats great Kiera so now you know when she is coming and what she is coming to do! So make a list as Louise says as this will help you stay focused when you talk to her. i would start preparing it now as you will probably need to keep changing it before it is how you want it. I wrote my list about 50 times because i tend to babble when I write for first few times lol
hi little angel she said tho a risk assesment to risk to me over him wantin contac, did u av risk assessmentx
No I didnt have one hun x
wonder why u didnt as ur ex was violent wasnt hex
hi my ex was abusive to my children but it hadnt been reported so couldnt he just say im lieing because its not down on paper an not facts, he raised his hand to my daughter called her names and spat at her , but i am worried the courts will look upon me badly for not reporting it imeditaly and he could just say it was a lie
hi us women are always in awkward positions, well my eldest son was witness to all name callin he was 12 at tym, andmy youingest son, cafcass women said see wot risks there are to me, she didnt say my little girl but me, hes not allowed cum nr me u see, idotn want him nr me eitherx
my eldest is 18 can she stand as witness with her being an adult now? she said she would if she could but again its our word agaisnt his over certain things z
i mentioned to solicitor i wanted ex risk assesd to x
I don't know what the position is about evidence from children etc caza, it really is for your soliciitor to say. Write down all the questions that are occurring to you at the moment so you can remember to ask everything. You could also email our Legal Expert
Hi, I did actually have a risk assessment it is on my paperwork.
Caza I think you should most definately say about your ex being abusive to your kids that is important. Family courts dont work the same as crimial courts so they dont just go on evidence they use probabality also. They are not there to judge you hun they know how difficult it is when you are i a violent relationship. Chances are he will deny it and i am sure men do but they will look at the credibility of his statement and yours. My ex denied everything i said but in the end they said I was most credible witness and I didnt have one shred of evidence against him.
thanks little angel, i was worried that they would look bad on me for not reporting it at the time, did you call any witnesses x
No hun I didnt. There was no option for that in my case though it was a one day trial and it was to discuss specific issues in the cafcass report and to give my ex the oppurtunity to cross examine me over my claims of DV.
If you havent had your first hearing yet hun you shouldnt worry about it as you may not even go to trial. It only goes to trial if your or your ex want to dispute what is in the cafcass report or if you you disagree with the courts ruling. It is not like criminal court.
Aw guys thank you for your kind words x
The important thing for me is that it helps someone else in any kind of way as I have been there and no how awful it feels. It is very hard when you guys are at the stage you are at and anticipating the all the worst possible outcomes which is exactly what I did, but I have come out of the other side and now have hindsight which makes me able to see things much more clearly. I really was a nervous wreck and made myself ill but never actually stopped to realise that I wasnt actually on trial, angel was going to stay with me no matter what and my ex can say whatever he likes about me but he cant provide FACTS for any of it. If I would have realised this at the start it would have been so much easier. As you said you guys have FACTS and your ex's only have vindictive words that the courts arent interested in and more importantly your children are with you and that is what matters x
I am her to offer any support for you ladies I know exactly what your going through x