This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Hi,
This is the first time I have posted on here so I am a tad nervous. Three weeks ago I asked my husband of 10 years (together 13 years) to leave. We have always had a very rocky relationship. He has been very violent in the past, has always been verbally abusive and he still has a horrendous temper. I spent every day walking on eggshells waiting for him to erupt over nothing and tell me how useless I am etc.
In January I found out he had been having a lot of contact with a girl from work (140 texts a day plus phone calls while I was upstairs in bed). I had been questioning things he was doing for months as he had been hiding his phone but he told me I was stupid and paranoid. I eventually found out by checking his phone bill and found out it had been going on for 6 months. He said there was nothing going on and they were just friends but if that was the case I couldn't understand why it was all so secretive. Things have just gone downhill form then, I couldn't trust him anymore and was contantly questioning him and he played total mind games (something he is very good at) and turned it round to make me think it was all my fault. His temper got worse and we spent hardly any time together.
Lots of other things happened in the last few months (marriage counselling, make or break holiday) but the end result was that I couldn't stand being treated that way any more, I spent more time crying than not and we fought so much in front of our 2 daughters that they started to suffer too so my decision was based on what was best for me and the children. I know I have made the right decision but I am really struggling emotionally. Even though he put me through hell for the majority of our relationship I absolutely worshipped him and loved him with all my heart. I now spend most of my days crying, missing him, hating him, crying some more and so on. I have no motivation to do anything or go anywhere and I just feel so down all of the time. Its breaking my heart and it hurts so much, I can't even describe the pain 
How on earth do you stop loving someone or even begin to move on? I don't know how to pick myself up from this
Alana
Hi A1ana, glad to see you have started your own thread. 
i am sorry to hear that you have had to endure what you have, you have spent years trying to do right by this man and it has ended like this. Those feelings take time to calm down.
Now is the time to concentrate on YOU, find out your interests as an independant person from him. You will go through so many emotions, but remind yourself first that this is the beginning of your journey to freedom.
Do you have the support from your local Womens Aid group?
Thank you hazeleyes and Anna. I haven't looked into any support other than friends and family at the moment. I don't really know where to start with finding who I am either. Everything I did and liked was for him and I can't really remember what I like, it feels very strange. He is still in contact a fair bit too which isnt helping. One minute he is telling me how much he loves me and the next he is having a go and telling me this is all my fault. My head is all over the place, I find myself checking my phone contantly in case he has text or emailed even though i know it is so much easier when he doesnt. Its all so confusing :(
Hey A1ana
Welcome from me. I understand you must be really going through this nowand of course your emotions are all over the place this is natural. I would say try to concentrate on the bad parts, and try to remember why you left in the first place. The girls are the most important thing right now and they will get you through this. I have read a couple of books recently...how to mend a broken heart by Christine Webber was quite helpful. Have you got close friends you can talk to, even late at night when you may be feeling at your worst? Keep posting and you will get helpful advice...
take care x
Hi Renelle
I have just ordered Paul McKenna's I can mend a broken heart after reading a few good things about it on here. I do have close friends and a couple have said I can call any time of the day or night but to be honest I'm not sure I would dare call and wake someone late at night, I feel like such a burden. Today has been a relatively ok in comparison to most up to now. I have kept busy all day, its this time of night I find hard when the house is so quiet, I'm not a fan of my own company as I have never been alone, I was 18 when I got into this relationship. Its a scary and very lonely place to be when there is only yourself for company 
Hi A1ana - welcome to the boards - its hard isn't it - I have only be separated 6 months (see my thread "its only been a week" to read my story - very similar to you except the violence.
You know in your heart that you should not accept the violence and you certainly did not deserve it and you also know that you won't trust him again - I was in that position and it nearly destroyed me - our marriage was over anyway but I also felt like you - thought I loved him etc.
I bought the Paul Mackenna book too - it does help. Try and take one moment at a time - it is hard and it will take time and what you are feeling is perfectly normal. We are a friendly bunch who are here to support you so please keep posting.
Make today the first day of the rest of your life - we are here with you
Hi littleredhen
I commented on your post earlier as it made me realise that there is light at the end of the tunnel, I spent a long time reading through it all and it was very helpful to see someone coming out of the other side so thank you, your post is also the reason I ordered the book :) xx
Thanks A1ana - I am lrh for short by the way
I have just seen your message - yes I have my ups and downs but I often read through my posts to remind myself how far I have come.
I am struggling at the moment because "the idiot" is going away for a weekend with VEW to a foreign country and I can't get it out of my head - it is making me very bad tempered but I know once the weekend is over and done with I will be back on the right path!
Just contenting myself with hoping they have bad weather, flights cancelled and hotel overbooked
Another thing I did was phoned a helpline and chatted - it was very therapeutic to talk to someone who was happy to listen - good luck and we are here for you
I feel like I have so many bad days at the minute and very few 'ok' ones. I cry more often than not and I am utterly exhausted. I have bought some herbal sleeping tablets to see if I can get some sleep as I just can't function properly x Today is ok, I haven't cried as much but my 12yr old seems to be really pushing my buttons at the minute and its really getting on top of me :( xx
hi how are u, ive been in emotionaly abusive relationship last 2 half years,stil not out of it propa,hard,im always exhausted,hope u are okx
Hi A1ana
Welcome along
I also wanted to say do not forget that The Samaritans are there 24 hours a day if you need someone to talk to and they have helped me a few times, I can tell you! 08457 909090
As fir your 12 year old, dont forget that they are going through some stuff too and it is probably pretty scary to see their mum so upset and they are likely to misbehave as a consequence. When things settle down a bit for you, we will be able to give you some support and strategies around parenting if you need a bit of help but just try and get through each day at the moment.
Have you had some legal advice?
A1ana how are you and welcome to this site i have found the advise and the postings a huge comfort to me . my ex left me may last year and he too hit me and i ended up at crown court through mine , so not nice and yet it is hard to get through and over after being so long together. i have got the divorce to go through yet i have started that last year but still got some way to go and i know how you feel drained .
what can i say try to have a bit of time for yourself where and when you can even if it is to have a bath or a nice cuppa try as this is where you are going to be strong . the kids will push every button as it is their lives that have been turned upside down too and they have got to settle too. we have to be strong not only for ourselves but for them too and thats the hardest bit for me was being strong for them too .
take each day as it comes and do tiny steps and not like me try not too think too far a head or you will become bog down and sit there with cross ways infront so deep breathes and tiny steps and keep posting as people on here are just fab with what they post as reading them gives you strength x
Hello from me too A1ana.
Glad you have found us...
Kiera - I am so sorry to hear that you are going through it, its a horrible thing to go through and has affected me in lots of ways. I have no self confidence, extremely low self esteem and I don't trust anyone anymore. Conflict in any sense terrifies me so I daren't even voice my opinion anymore. I went through it on and off for the majority of my 13 yr relationship and it took a lot of strength to walk away but I'm hoping in the long run it makes me a better person for leaving it behind.
Louise - I got your repy and it was very helpful so thank you. I have had a brief appt with a solicitor but didn't feel any further forward. We have so much debt and according to the solicitor all he has to pay by law is half the mortgage so I am keeping my mouth shut as he is paying a lot towards the bills/debts. I am paying much more (most of my wages) but without his money I would sink.I do have another appt tomorrow. My ex wants me to file for divorce but to be honest I'm not sure I'm ready. I'm going through the process of trying to sell the house so that on top of everything else is enough to deal with at the moment.
Shaz 5 - I am trying to have some 'me' time but I hate my own company as I am not used to it so finding that side of things very difficult. My 4yr old is very good but the 12yr old is the one that pushes my buttons. I am really trying to be patient with her but its so hard.
sparklinglime - I am so glad I found you all too, the support already has been amazing and very helpful so thank you.
I have a viewing on the house on Saturday so feel very nervous about doing that on my own. I am absolutely dreading the day I have to move. I am going to have to rent as I don't think I will be able to get a mortgage on my own :( The girls don't want to move either, this all seems so cruel and unfair when all I did was leave an abusive realtionship :(
Hi A1ana, yes it does seem unfair when you haven't done anything wrong.....HOWEVER what matters now is moving forward with life for you and your children. There are lots of new things to be experienced, such as the house viewing. Each time you do something new like this, give yourself a massive pat on the back. In fact I would be inclined to make a list entitled My Achievements (because that is what they are)
Even if you don't do anything about the money side for now, I am glad you are seeing a solicitor as this will help protect your position. The practical things can feel overwhelming when you are in such an emotional place, so one step at a time
hi A1ana
hope you are feeling better this morning....I have been for a couple of days now, fingers crossed this is here for longer this time!
I am also not good on my own, or I thought I was not. But for the last four and half months I have managed. got a new bolt or two on front door, camomile tea, nytol herbal tablets, loads of books (never found time for reading anything before!), and I have survived little steps at time. Also to let all the emotion out when the kids are asleep is helpful. I am so sorry you may have to move so soon. I do not seem to have to at this time, but cannot go on for ever like this as he is bound to reduce the payments sooner or later down to only what he has to pay! I keep telling myself over and over that he does not deserve me and I think little by little this is sinking in. Have you tried this?
the book I said about has the same title as the Paul McKenna one and I was confused at first but I have them both now and I think the Christine Webber one is ok it did help at first. I got it from Amazon for around £2 ....
Take care and hope Sat is ok for you
Hi A1ana, I am glad that you have ordered the book, as everyone has been saying, taking small steps is all you can do at the moment.
Have a look at our article How to recover from a broken heart, as it is a useful read.
I was young when i got with my ex and didn't really know who I was when we broke up. One thing that I used to do was think back to being a teenager and try and start again from back there! I tried to grow up all over again with me being in control of my life rather than him.
A couple of helpful phrases that I often say to myself is:
I am in control of my life and I love and approve of myself, I say these to myself over and over again, try it for a few days, you will be surprised how you start to feel different. The book that helped me was You can heal your life by Louise Hay.
Are you close with your 12 year old daughter? Can you sit down together when your youngest is in bed and have a bit of a girly session where you can just 'chat' about what is going on for her?
We are really close but she does tend to keep things to herself and not talk about things. I will try the girly night though as it might help.
I'm not feeling too bad today, although I am a little confused. My ex has been texting quite a lot, its as if he is trying to be my best friend and although it's better than bickering I'm not sure how I feel about it. I dont want him to think there is hope as there isn't, I worry that there is a motive behind it too as he is very good at mind games. I am just trying to stay focused on the reasons we split and remind myself that he is a nasty piece of work and the niceness never lasts very long otherwise I am worried I might end up thinking he can change when he has proved over the years that it is impossible for that to happen. Feeling very lonely today too :(
It is hard, A1ana, not to feel lonely - I like the company of others but am trying to start and enjoy my own company. I would try and ignore his texts unless its about the kids - that way you can't get sucked into all that stuff again.
Stay strong - you can do it!
I'm worried that if I ignore his texts things will turn nasty again and thats when things get me down as its a constant battle. I try to be as blunt as I can in the texts and not encourage the conversation but it is really hard as although I don't want to be with him I do miss contact with him
I am so teary tonight 
I know how you feel - I have been the same - its ok to cry though and can be very therapeutic - sending you a hug
Sending you one right back LRH ((((())))) xx
hi hun are u ok,im same, im tryin get out emotionaly abusive relationship,so hard tho,angry, upset down u name it,i dont cry maybe i should,i just try and get on with it,in front of other people i smile and laff, but inside im just existing have been for a while,im on my own every night,well kids,but no adult company, just ex mithering, ope ur ok hunxx
im always scared of ignoring ex txtx cos he goes worse,it is a constant battle,ex on my mind all time,takes over,anxious all time he as dragged me downx
my ex is nasty piece of work,even tho he is convinced he is a decent man,when i think of all vile things he as said and done he isnt decent,yet i keep goin back to him,my head all over placex
Yes it IS ok to cry, Alana1 and don't forget the Samaritans number I gave you.
Kiera I know you are going through a rough time at the moment, Anna has asked you on your thread about your options so maybe that is something you could have a think about?
Hi A1ana,
It's hard to go it alone, but as someone else said, every time you have done something no matter how small or even getting through the morning or the afternoon or getting the children ready for school...remind yourself you did it all on your own... as moms(and dads) on our own it is a herculean task.
Remember to take one thing at a time. It is massively important to talk and to have friends whom you can trust...but sometimes that take courage on our part to take that step and share our burdens. Choose your confidants wisely; if you find supportive friends...they'll be worth their weight in gold.
I was in a similar situation ...and my children are similar ages too. I found it help to make sure they are fully informed as much as poss. They need to know you are going to be there for them. Mine were reassured to hear me say that I will look after them. My older one is much more mature than the younger and even then she needed lots of one to one time just to spend time with me.....sometimes they 'act out' when really they are scared and worried. I wish there were resources for our children to have counselling time without jumping through hoops.
Night time, holidays and weekends are the worst times. Everyone else are doing their own thing. I found early on that if I have a loose plan, we seem to do better...even if it's just a quick trip to the shops and stop by the park on the way or get a treat when we are out...my kids and I have found that we are even closer than before and we have found that special times eg watching a particular programme or doing a meal together really helps us focus one ach other and brings us closer. So take this time to concentrate on each other... lots of chatting, turn on the radio...bring in the music (up beat ones)
Sleep was difficult to begin with for me and I'm sure it must be the same for everyone else...but try to eat well. Get your RDA of fruits and veg. You might find without a good breakfast, you will start flagging by teatime when you need your wits about you when the kids are home and need that attention from you. That's when we need that energy to keep from yelling at the kids and kicking the pet cat 
... make sure you are drinking your H2O, juices too...
There is frequently someone responding to your posts here...there's lots of us here...take care of yourselves. Be encouraged to know that many have travelled this path, they will support you.
Great post, Phoenix, thank you One really important point that I want to pick up on is the thing about being there for your children. They can feel very insecure after a separation and that reassurance about "I will look after you" that Pheonix mentions is vital, in my opinion, and focusing on the children will also help you to have a shape to your day.
How are you feeling this morning A1ana?
Hi All,
This morning I am more confused than ever. I had my first night out last night but I really didn't enjoy it and he ended up picking me up because I was in such a state (mentally not drunk). We spent 3 hours just driving and talking and crying. I love and miss him so much and I just feel so torn. I want so much to believe he can change. I want to believe the thing with the girl really was nothing like he says but I have and always have had so many insecurities. I am tempted to speak to a counsellor, my head is so muched up :(
Oh how confusing for you.
Try to remember what life was like when you were together. Read your first post here. What needs to change for you to feel more positive about him?
Counselling is a good idea once you are able to order your thoughts a bit. In the meantime, I have given you the number for the Samaritans, which will be someone to talk with, 08457 909090
Take care
I think that he needs anger management because although he isnt violent anymore he is very short tempered. My main issue is trust and I really dont know how to regain that :(
This comment has been moved here.
Dear A1lana
That is for HIM to do, to regain your trust and to undertake the reqired therapy, and believe me, if he is not bending over backwards to do this then that tells you that he is not prepared to change.
It's really important to look after yourself now, and the children too.
Hi A1ana, I am guessing that you only split up with him about a month ago. Yes?
That took some massive guts. You took a massive leap into the unknown after 13 years of trying to fix an unhappy relationship.
You were looking for time to heal, if he had left you alone and respected your wishes for the relationship to be over then, you would have moved forward slowly. But he didn't want that, so he has hounded you with 'friendly' texts. Which unfortunately you said that you were scared not to respond to in case it aggravated him. Therefore bringing you back into his web.
You say your ex isn't violent anymore. I disagree, he has either got older and can't be bothered OR he just doesn't need to.... he has beaten you down enough, so that all he needs to do is be a little 'short tempered' and you will fall into line.
I am sorry to say this, but he is lying to you. Manipulating you. Controlling you.
Please contact a local Womens Aid group and get some support to help you understand the mind games he is playing and also to find some strength in how to deal with it.
If you were to get back together and have a healthy relationship, he needs to back off, let you heal, then show you by his actions that he has changed. After all that, you might find that actually you don't even like him as a person!
Ok.......so I disappeared off the radar for a while. The truth is I took him back and guess what?? Two weeks ago I was on my way home from work at lunchtime and his phone rang me........I listened for 5 minutes while he was having sex in the background with the girl he had been texting. She rang me to get back at me for her relationship breaking down because of all the texts. I was and still am devastated, I took him back, tried to rebuild the trust and he has broken my heart. I am going to a solicitor in a couple of weeks and I am gonna file for divorce. I had a really bad weekend and I took an overdose, I was in hospital for 3 days and I am so lucky to be here and I refuse to let him damage me any further. I need to pick myself up ad move on but I have no idea how :(
Hi Alana
Good to see you, although not good to learn about the dreadful time you have had. You must have been in the absolute depths of despair to have taken the overdose and I am glad that you have recovered and are out of hospital. Did they offer you any help in terms of counselling or aftercare?
How are your girls?
If I can find one positive thing to say about this awful situation, it is that you have finally received the impetus you needed to be able to leave this relationship for good. Do think about calling Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 and don't forget the Samaritans on 08457 909090 It's important that you feel as supported as possible right now and we can be part of that support, it's very friendly here as you have already seen, and it IS possible to move forward...keep posting and talking through how you feel. We have an online Freedom Programme that will also help you when you are ready.
How are you doing this morning?
hi hun aw im sorry bout wot he as dun, ive bin out my relationship last 6 weeks, he asnt left me alone, he as turned up 3 tyms, ad police out,now ive seen a soliciter, sent him warnin letter, i txt him on a nyt out, stupid i no, so nopw bk to square b1 ignoring him, he aint gona leave me alone im bloody drainedxx
Hi A1ana, thank you for finding the courage to come back and talk to us. Obviously you are not in a good place and you have been through a horrible time, but thankfully his true colours are now really clear to you, which mean that you can move forward.
You have said throughout this thread that you don't know how to move on....You need to contact Womens Aid (See number from Louise above) and find your local centre, where professionals can help you learn more and overcome the damage your ex has done on your mental health.
Do this as soon as possible for your own well being and that of your daughters. When you are ready, have a look at our online Freedom Programme.
Please stick with us and use us for support too, as many of us have been where you are and come out the other side. 
Today has been a bad day. I seem to have cried a lot today compared to yesterday. He has been texting a lot apologising and saying we can work through this so last night I had to tell him in no uncertain terms that we are over for good and it was so hard to say so maybe that's why today has been so hard. I have been to the doc and I am now on anti depressants to help me through this and I have sleeping tablets for the short term. I have been referred for counselling to so I really am trying to do everything I can to get through this for my girls xx Thanks for welcoming me back x
hi hun aw hope u get thru this hun, u will do in tym, my ex wont leave me alone, wish he wud disapear for my sanityxx
I know that feeling hun, unfortunately I need to stay in contact for the kids but I also wish he would disappear, he just doesn't get it, he thinks an apology makes everything ok :(
we av 20 month old dawter together,he more interested in me than our dawter,i dont av to stay in contact cos of our dawter ,if he wants c er he can c a soliciter wot he always goin on bout,im stil waitin, he says he wil drag me thru court ,all empty threats,my ex same he seems let me down constantly then day afta he sorry and i shud accept his aplogy, but i cant,ad enuf u c, x
I've had enough too, sorry doesnt fix things anymore :(
i feel exactly same as u,makin me ill, but him harassin me is makin me ill, ive ad 6 weeks of it, u no when the polcie cum myn last tym he turned up bangin on my windows and shoutin thru letterbox he drove off like manikac bfore police cum, well ex rang and police man tuk it and said to him listen mate ring bk in couple days c how land lies, i cudnt believe it, i didnt want him contact me thts why they where there in 1st place, joke, police are not takin me seriously, x
think i shud go doctors, ive dun alot of crying over last few weeks cos of him,wish i never met himxx
aw its awful wot he did to u, bloody awful,well wot they both did to u,how do u get over sumat like tht, u wil in tymxx
Hi Alana. Welcome back to One Space. I'm so sorry that he has put you through this heartache again. Thankfully, you've recovered from the overdose, and now realise that there is no going back.
my ex is geting desperate he said he spoke to the courts and put us both forward for mediation where we can sort our problems out, god ive finished it 6 weeks ago, like hell i want to sit in a room wiv himxxhate him
Good morning Alana
How did you sleep? Hope you feel a bit brighter today
Hi A1ana. Welcome along. Please don't be nervous, we're all a great bunch
I'm so sorry you've recently split, but a huge well done from me for having the guts to do so. You've managed to get out of a violent/ abusive relationship, which has been going on for years, but I guess finally you'd had enough, and knew the relationship was no good for either you nor the children. I was in a violent relationship, didn't have children, but I left him in the end, and it hurt like hell because I did still love him, but knew I had to walk away. Sometimes it would be great if we were taps wouldn't it? Able to turn our feelings on and off!! Nobody can tell you how long you'll feel like this, but just keep telling yourself that you're worthy of much more than being treated the way you were.
Please keep posting as others will be along to also welcome you and offer some advice. Take care. Look forward to getting to know you.